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Sudden Unloving

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  • This topic has 14 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 days ago by anita.
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  • #359583
    Alitame
    Participant

    Hello Everyone reading this, hope you are having a nice day.

     

    I want to share something that is happening with since past 4 days. So there is this girl I am in love with since 2 years. I love her since 2 years. But nothing good has happened between us until the last month when things started being as we had imagined.

    Past 2 years have been really hell for me at least, Really really bad. Past 2 years I have just cried as she was in a relationship with someone else and she couldn’t breakup she didn’t love him but she couldn’t breakup at least something happened so she could easily escape, She also loved me the whole time but she never showed me I was hinted many times by her but I was too dumb to understand. But in short the past 2 years were really really bad for me and I wanted her to be with me like anyhow and I never gave up on her no matter what happened I only Imagined to be with her no matter how worse things get and no matter how she behaved with me as she wanted me to move on for at least the time being when she is in relationship with the other guy. Things went so bad so bad that suicide was also a good option and my mind was really forcing me that there is no reason to live if she won’t be in your life. We had some good moments too maximum 5 over the 2 years. I loved her over anything and everything.

    I have never been in a relationship with her and we didn’t even plan to go in a relationship but stay as very close friends and marry each other when the time comes. So since the last 20 days we are finally here to this very close friends phase which we had plan and i have been soo sooo happy with how the things are going like really felt like heaven on heart I was sooo happy We were meeting daily We held hands like I still feel like goosebumps when I think this has happened in the past 20 days. I have never gone through such a happy phase before. My mind did create some problems for me when things started being good i.e what if everthing is fake what if she is lying to me from the start and I just went through soo much overthinking for 3-4 days I didn’t sleep at all but in some days I became normal. Then again I started thinking that what if she is talking to someone else the way she talked to me when she was in a relationship The same thing happened I ovethinked but in some days I was normal and I was very very very very Happy everything was sooo happy.

    Then suddenly 5 days back there was like a switch in me like if I dont feel for her It was sudden. And I just didn’t feel my heart there like if my heart is not connected to any of my nerves and just it made me felt soooo heavy hearted. I was tensed but I just said ki its nothing I need to sleep. I met her the next day morning for 2 hours and I was happpy I was tooo happy I was happy to be with her. Being with her made me sooo overwhelmed I was genuinely happy and I wanted to be with her for my entire life.

    I got back home feeling sooo overwhelmed soooo happy but I checked the feeling what I was feeling last night like just checking ki all of that was bullshit but then I felt the same way again. I tried to be busy I tried to fight my mind that its thinking bullshit but it was my heart I couldn’t feel. But somehow I succeeded not feeling that way but my mind again went on to check that feeling.

    I haven’t met her after that due to this coronavirus. Before I felt this feeling like when I slept or when I wake up but since yesterday I have been feeling that soooo much that there is a very small time when I am not feeling soooo heavy hearted and questioning my love.

    I have been crying so much since yesterday I dont know what to do. I cant leave her.  I want to spend my life with her. She is the woman of my dreams and she forever will be. I never gave up in the last 2 years and when the good time came what the hell is happening to me. Its like when I think that yes I feel for her all of this is bullshit sometimes I succeeded and the other times I just dont feel my heart like it just makes me feeel soo much heavy hearted and I just start crying. Whenever I feel okay my mind just gives the feeling a check and I feel the same heavy heartedness again.

    I know I love her I mean its just impossible that I dont, I cant imagine my life without her and I dont want to. I dont want to feel what I am feeling right now. What is happening What should I do Please guide me?

    Maybe its my mind that is creating the problems but here I just dont feel my heart.  Please help me. Thank you.

     

    #359609
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    You shared that you felt love for this girl for two years while she was in a relationship with another guy. You wrote that those two years for you were “really hell… really, really bad… so bad that suicide was also a good option.. there is no reason to live”.

    In the last 20 days, she is no longer in a relationship with the other guy, and the two of you are in “this very close friends phase… meeting daily.. held hands”. At the beginning of this very close friends phase, “My mind did create some problems for me.. i.e. what if everything is fake, what if she is lying to me from the start.. soo much overthinking for 3-4 days.. I didn’t sleep at all”. After that, you “became normal” and felt  goosebumps and was “soo sooo happy with how the things are going.. felt like heaven on heart”.

    “Then again I started thinking that what if she is talking to someone else the way she talked to me when she was in a relationship.. I overthink but in some days I was normal and I was very very very Happy”.

    “Then suddenly 5 days back there was like a switch in me, like .. I don’t feel for her. It was sudden”, then you met her and felt “happy I was tooo happy.. to be with her”. Later you “felt the same way again”, meaning no loving feelings for her. “I tried to fight my mind and its thinking bul***”.

    You then felt love for her again “but my mind again went on to check that feeling”. In the last two days you are not feeling love for her, “soooo heavy hearted and questioning my love.. crying so much since yesterday. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her. I want  to spend my life with her.. what the hell is happening to me.. Whenever I feel okay my mind.. check and I feel the same heavy heartedness again… I know I love her, I mean it’s just impossible that I don’t.. I don’t want to feel what I am feeling right now. What is happening. What should I do? Please guide me?”.

    I am not a doctor or a mental health professional of any kind, so I can not and will not diagnose you. What I will share with you next is coming from my own experience with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) from which I suffered at a very early age, about six years old: you are anxious a lot of the time, this or that thought enters your mind and scares you, so you keep thinking around the scary thought, trying to reason with the thought and make it go away.

    After a long time of such turmoil, you get a break, a heavenly break, and you feel okay, normal (“I became normal.. I was normal.. feel okay”). And even happy, very happy. But not for long because the OCD took a break, it was not gone forever.

    “My mind did create some problems for me.. soo much overthinking.. I tried to fight my mind and it’s thinking bul**”- that’s the O (Obsessive) part of your OCD, as I see it  (again, I am not a doctor).

    “I checked the feeling what I was feeling.. checking.. check and I feel the same..”- checking how you feel is the C (Compulsive) part of your OCD.

    Are you aware of OCD, every saw a doctor and diagnosed with it or with another anxiety disorder?

    anita

     

    #359625
    Alitame
    Participant

    Dear anita:

    Thank you for your reply.

    Actually she broke up 4 months ago but after that like in not even 4 days a different problems arised which were his parents. Her father said no to everything and just didn’t let her contact me but she was caught everytime somehow and situation got worse. Her father said they wont let her marry you, or even talk to you and this is where my suicidal thought took place.

    A month back she managed to force her parents into agreeing and everything got better as  I said. There wasn’t even a single moment I wasn’t in love with her.

    And I haven’t got any checkup regarding any anxiety. Should I get one? If you can suggest something online then please do.

    I think its my mind creating problems coz it was always in it like a habit. Its my first time I got the woman I loved. And now when everything is what I imagined it to be my mind is replacing it with utter pain and I really want to get rid of this. Its actually impossible like I cannot not be in love with her. I am hating it. I am sorry but I really need help.

    Anyway Thank you for your reply. I will see on the OCD and my anxiety disorder.

    Hitesh

     

    #359634
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    You are welcome. “If you can suggest something online then please do”- you can download guided meditations that will help you relax. There are a lot available online. I am familiar with Mark Williams Mindfulness series of guided meditations, and I used to like a lot <i>The Mountain Meditation</i>, available on line as well.

    Daily exercise, including 30 min- hour of aerobic exercise per day (ex. a fast walk outdoors) help with anxiety.

    You can look at the home page of this website, point the arrow at “BLOGS” and scroll down to “Mindfulness and Peace”, see what you can find there.

    “I haven’t got any checkup regarding any anxiety. Should I get one”? Yes, if you suffer on an ongoing basis from anxiety, and reads like you have, then yes, do see a medical professional.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #359695
    Alitame
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for your help Anita, I will check all the stuff out 🙂

    If you don’t mind I want to ask one last thing. Why does it feel difficult to experience the same love again, to feel the same that I felt a week ago. Why can’t I feel it, Its like it’s difficult for me to think about all the things I used to think and imagine it and what to do about it?

    #359698
    Alitame
    Participant

    Something is blocking me. Something is not letting me feel it. Suppose I miss her one second then other I feel that thing again worrying that I don’t feel for her.

    #359703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    You are welcome. “Why does it feel difficult to experience the same love.. to feel the same I felt a week ago. Why can’t I feel it?” – think of the feeling of love like a cool air breeze in a hot summer night. It feels wonderful when you feel the breeze. You want more of it, but it is impossible to grab the breeze with your hands and hold on to it. It is impossible to trap it and keep it in a box.  You can run after it, but you won’t catch it and you will end up hot and sweaty instead.

    Also, no one feels love all the time. When person A is with person B long enough (awake and conscious), neither one feels love for the other all the time. You can not be an exception to this reality. Neither is your girlfriend an exception to this reality.

    There is a guided meditation called the Mountain Meditation. You can google it. It is about you imagining that you are a mountain, solid, not changing while everything around you changes, like the weather that keeps changing. The weather is like your feelings, they keep changing.  But you can be like that mountain, calm, not disturbed by the changing feelings, not trying to fight the changing nature of feelings.

    Here is some of what the meditation says: “Through it all, the mountain just sits, experiencing change in each moment, constantly changing, yet always just being itself. It remains still as the seasons flow into  one another and as the weather changes moment by moment and day by day, calmness abiding all change… Clouds may come and clouds may go.. . At times visited by violent storms.. Through it all, the mountain sits. Spring comes, trees leaf out, flowers bloom.. Through it all, the mountain continues to sit, unmoved by the weather, by what happens on its surface…

    “In our lives and in our meditation practice, we experience constantly the changing nature of mind and body and of the outer world, we have our own periods of light and darkness, activity and inactivity, our moments of color and our moments of drabness… we endure periods of darkness and pain, as well as moments of joy and uplift.. It may help us to see that our thoughts and feelings.. are very much like the weather on the mountain… The weather of our own lives is not be ignored or denied, it is to be encountered, honored, felt, known for what it is, and held in awareness… And in holding it in this way, we come to know a deeper silence and stillness and wisdom.”<span>
    </span>

    anita

    #359769
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Alitame,

    I think most of your time was spent yearning for her. There’s nothing like pining for someone you cannot have. It’s romantic! It’s Bittersweet! The highs! The lows! This is life!

    But then once you had her, you start doubting your feelings. The highs are no longer as high because you have her now. And what lows, even though you are separated now. It is a level field. But this is good news. This is mature love.

    Hang in there!

    Inky

    #360887
    Alitame
    Participant

    Well ummm Update.

     

    I came over that thought in my head Regarding my unloving thanks to this community.
    But it was again replaced by some other concern like maybe she’s lying and that used to eat my brains. But I was dealing with it the best I could.

     

    Giving her a nice time and everything was going very good.
    But since 2 days, there have been some problems like uk discussions and it got normal back again.

    But yesterday I found some out that appeared to be a lie. So before blaming or anything I just asked for that particular information from her. And she wasn’t giving, she kept asking why. I then told her the exact thing because this isn’t okay and I want to see if you did or not.

    She then broke off. She said she doesn’t have that information she deleted it and then she started blaming me to stop peeping in her life its her life stop interfering it.

     

    I discussed that I just ask for a piece of information nothing more like that thing wasn’t okay.

    She then just backed off the commitment. Saying she is too young for the commitment. She will commit when she wants now if you wanna stay then be friends.
    After all I have gone through because of her in the past 2 years(detailed above) this didn’t seem okay.

    She started acting like there is no love between us there is nothing there hasn’t been anything. Our whole thing was based on her commitment.

    This thing was my concern for the longest time that if she backs out I won’t be able to dating it. After all her commitment was just words just promises.
    Even like 15 hours before all of this she expressed her commitment that I don’t break promises why are you thinking I am here I won’t go anywhere ever.

    I changed my plans for my future studies due to her as she wasn’t able to join along.

     

    After the past 2 years and soooo much of this she is saying now she can’t commit.
    Whenever I am making any valid points she just comes back to her point saying you can’t force me to commit.

    She is okay if se stopped talking.
    And I just can’t cant go through it. I can’t accept it. After sooo much and sooo many things sooo much pain in the past 2 years and when it got better she is backing out of her promises.

     

    She is saying that I am making her depressed by not listening.

    I can’t sleep I cannot do anything. I am having problem breathing. But she is not listening a word.
    Please Anita and everyone reading this I beg guidance.

    #360905
    Alitame
    Participant

    I said her that okay I am in but I need you to increase my trust, we will spend time like going to and fro from college and stuff, and just that there’ll be no guy prior than me.

    She said all of this conditions are commitment only and I don’t want to commit. “Trust if you want to do then do or don’t, I’m tired.”

     

    She Just discontinued the convo saying “I don’t want to discuss My mental health is suffering”

    #360922
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    “yesterday I found something out that appeared to be a lie. So before blaming or anything I just asked for that particular information from her… And she wasn’t giving, she kept asking why.. She then broke off. She said she doesn’t have that information, she deleted it and then started blaming me to stop peeping in her life, it’s her life, stop  interfering.. She then just backed off the commitment… I said to her, that’s okay, I am in, but I need you to increase my trust… She said.. ‘Trust if you want to.. or don’t. I am tired. She just discontinued the convo saying ‘I don’t want to discuss. My mental health is suffering”-

    – can you tell me what that something was, that you found out, which appeared to be a lie, and what did you ask her (approximately, what were your words to her)?

    Also, how often (how many times in a day or in a week) did you feel that what she told you may be a lie, and then either blame her or ask her to explain it to you?

    anita

     

    #360932
    Alitame
    Participant

    Hey Anita

     

    Soo I told you before right that before that unloving stage I had 2 thoughts that were just lingering in my head 1) if everything was a lie. 2) If she is talking to someone else or maybe his ex-bf.

     

    I got sooo depressed at that time I just told her that I am suffering through all of this. Can you answer my questions or doubts that I had when I thought the whole family thing was a lie coz I didn’t have any real proof that thing happened. But I had some things that just didn’t made sense.

    So I asked and she denied but I told that this happened that you were using insta coz you viewed someone’s story just after her parents caught her for the 6th time.

    She denied and just got soooo angryyy on mee that how can I ask questions and all to her. I said I am doing this coz it will be better for us coz I just can’t sleep bcoz of this. I said sorry okay I won’t ask But she got sooooo mad. I kept on explaining and like at the end of the day it got better. My questions weren’t answered but I tried to forget it.

     

    And about the next thing what happened was she said she was sleeping but the next morning I saw that a post is liked from her account when she said she was sleeping.

     

    I just asked her ki did you wake up during night or something like if you did then okay. But she said I didn’t I told that there was a post that was liked during the time you were sleeping.
    she said Idk maybe someone else was using her phone during night.
    it just didn’t made sense but I tried not to discuss and just left but I couldn’t stop thinking. Later that day I sais ki how did this happen like I don’t understand She said that yes I asked them they were sleeping in my room and they unlocked my phone. I said ummm okayy. But she got angryyy that how can I ask all of this I just said that my mind was revolving around it I just asked and then done but she got angry alot alot angry. I told her that I am going through this stuff please help me out here. But she just was talking soooo rude to me I couldn’t take it I just went in my bathroom and started crying I didn’t tell her but I vomitted like it was bad she was not angry by then.

    I just told her I didn’t say anything to you I am nit blaming you I just asked and done and for that you are torturing me don’t do that please.

    she said she’s sorry and after that it was done.

    Days passed and I was going through that unloving phase. I didn’t tell her this I just told her after some days that I have OCD probably and she said that yes maybe I just told please help me with it my brain really needs help and just if something comes in my mind I am not blaming you I just want to cleat it soo answer me instead of torturing me. She said yes okayy.

     

    Then next day a boy that was interested in her texted her he was knowing that she has broke up with her ex bf. Soo he reminded her that remember I proposed you and stuff. She said to her I am not ready now for and won’t soon stay happy stay single.

     

    She told me that he knew from somewhere else that she has broken up. I said okay like okay okay nothing wrong.

     

    Then after an hour I got a call from somewhere that she told that guy about her breakup like he wanted to confirm the reason. I was like she told?? I was knowing that he has known from some other source coz she told me this. But it turned out she was the one telling. I got screenshots of her telling which I was not knowing about. She told that guy just last night like 12 hours ago. I asked her again in some way that how did he know, She was like leave na. I just sent her the ss of her telling like for me she is clearly lying due to some reason.

    She replied I didn’t remember telling him I am telling many people and she got angryyy and just started questioning me that how did I got that ss I said I didn’t ask anyone Somebody sent me but she just started again torturing me. I said okay you didn’t remember I mean that just didn’t made sense but I just said okayy and tried to calm her down. She wasn’t calming down she just started torturing me and talking rude to me.
    I kept on explaining that I agree and I wasn’t spying on you I didn’t ask for it someone send me coz he wanted to confirm. Things got bad but it got okay.

     

    Things weren’t making sense and there were many things that didn’t. But I just tried to forget it and have a good time. But the thing that she is lying I thought that alot alot about many stuff It was getting hard for me. But I didn’t say her anything cause it was making it worse.

     

    She was sleeping alot more she was going on calls a lot more. Her cell was coming busy but she just denied that I wasn’t on a call it maybe a but It wasn’t a bug I was sure coz I called 2 times and both times it was busy. I agreed but it didn’t made sense I was just thinking alot.

    My anxiety was getting worse. I got angry on her that she slept again after sleeping 10 hours even after I told her that I am sad I want to talk I am suffering I want to talk. But she slept reading the chats in 2 minutes. I got angry on that I agree I was wrong I apologised to her many time but she was sooo sooo rude and just made things worse for me but okay while sleeping it got a little better and after all of that I said that I am concerned about you backing off cause you are committing by just words like you can backoff easily and you have backed out once before If you back you I won’t be able to do anything She again promised that dw I am with you I don’t break promises and all I was like okay but try if you can give some real surety like I am changing my future plans for eg that is a surety like even a small thing was okay

    Th next day again she was sleeping till late and my mind was wondering and I just checked something that was going around my mind. That the time she was telling about his ex bf to the other guy. I checked that what the time relates to in my side like what did she told me when she talked. I checked and I got that the period she wastalking to the other guy was when she told me she is sleeping for more 10-20 minutes I said okay like text when uou wake up.

    My anxiety rose sooo much like she was talking to someone saying that I am sleeping like I just couldn’t trust anymore. But I peacefully asked for the chat and timings like I wanted to confirm but she asked why and when I told she just backed out. Blaming me that I am going into depression because of you and all of that. No commitments.

     

    Current update: She told everything to her parents and her parents are angry at me, so does she say. I do not believe her if this were the case they wouldn’t let her talk to me and she is still conversing with me and blaming mee for everything that I am forcing her to commit and stuff. I said I will obviously opposed coz this was soooo sooo much wrong to me like backing out like thiss I will oppose obviously but after that I even tried to find some solutions. But she is blaming me.

    And for the past 3-4 days I have been doubting that maybe she started talking with her ex-bf and now I am 99% sure that she has. I am really wishing that I tell her ex-bf everything. i dont know what to doo now I don’t trust her. Did she really do wrong to me the whole time and used me as a rebound and talking to her ex again? That’s just sooo bad to me. Please helppppp

     

    #360945
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    “I just told her after some days that I have OCD probably.. I just told (her) please help me with it, my brain really needs help.. answer me instead of torturing me.. I peacefully asked for the chat and timings.. “, etc.

    She can’t help you with your severe anxiety/ OCD. She can’t stop your obsession with the idea that she is lying to you. If she spent eight hours a day answering your questions, you would still come up with more questions, because you are obsessed with the idea of her lying to you.

    Plus, no one can be 100% consistent, remembering what, when and where they said/ messaged what to whom. Human memory is far from being perfect.

    Like I suggested to you earlier, seek professional help: a medical doctor or another health care professional. She is not a doctor. She is not a health care professional, therefore she can’t help you.

    I understand that you feel tortured because I was diagnosed with OCD and it was torture. But it is not this young woman who  it torturing you, it’s a mental disorder that is torturing you. What you did was pass on your torture to her. It is not that she has been torturing you, you have been torturing her.

    “for the past 3-4 days I have been doubting.. I don’t trust her”- that’s your obsession: doubting her, not trusting her.

    “I am really wishing that I tell her ex-bf everything”- a bad idea. Don’t try to hurt this young woman, please.

    “Did she really do wrong to me the whole time.. Please helpppppp”- I don’t see that she did you wrong. I see that you did her wrong. Just like she can’t help you because she is not a doctor or a health care professional, I can’t help you either, for the same reason. Please seek professional help as soon as possible, so that you can the much needed relief that you need, so that you can feel much better and think more clearly.

    anita

     

     

    #361017
    Alitame
    Participant

    Yes anita.

     

    Maybe I am in the wrong for forcing her and thinking alot. But this thinking and not trusting isn’t due to OCD. Thinking about it more definitely is.

    But the part of not trusting comes from the amount of times she has broken my heart, amount of times she has broken my trust, amout of times she has hurt me and mostly the reason was getting back with her ex-bf.

     

    Over the 2 years she has done this many many times. And specific in this year the most amount of times. Break up then talking to me then him coming back she accepting and then hurting me. She stops talking or I stop talking to me then. Then after a week or so she texts or maybe I text. And she giving explanations reasons that why she did this and me being blindly in love, I accepted everytime.

     

    But all of the hurt and broken promises is the reason Its hard for me to trust her.

    I stopped talking then and there when I came to know she is talking with her ex bf again and at the same time she is saying that she told her parents and they are angry at you. That was a lie.

     

    And about that timing that I asked her, I got the timings from somewhere and I was right there, she did told me she was sleeping and talking to other guy about her ex-bf. This makes me wonder so many things that could be lie and she just lied many times to cover them up. I am trying not to think about it.

    I think that when she said she isn’t ready to commit and I forced her like not forced just saying her that how can you do this and all that maybe was wrong but I was doing it for us forgetting everything that she is doing to me.

     

    Am I still in the wrong for not trusting her?

     

     

    #361021
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alitame:

    You wrote that you don’t trust her not because you suffer from OCD, but because she truly doesn’t deserve your trust because of “the amount of times she has broken (your) trust.. all the hurt and broken promises”-

    – it is definitely possible, of course, to suffer from OCD and to be involved with a person who is untrustworthy. People who suffer from OCD, just like anyone else, come across people who are trustworthy and people who are not trustworthy.

    You asked: “Am I still in the wrong for not trusting her?”- if she is untrustworthy, as you state that she is, then you are not wrong for not trusting her.

    As I understand it, she doesn’t want to have any contact with you anymore, correct? It’s a good thing then, isn’t it, to no longer be involved with a woman you can’t trust?

    anita

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