June 13, 2020 at 6:31 am #358453ZackParticipant
Thank you for taking the time to read this post! I always feel a little anxious posting to these kinds of forums, but I wanted to talk about something that’s been bugging me recently and I didn’t know where else to go?
I’m 19 years old, currently a college student on break. I’ve been back home with family for a few weeks and it’s been nice…but, I haven’t been feeling all quite there, in terms of well-being? I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies and lashing out at people, I still get really nervous easily. And given the fact that there’s so many awful things going on not just in my country, but the world, it’s really been getting to me? I’ve actually been having nightmares of seeing myself or friends being maimed or seriously hurt, and I’ve been much more reserved than usual as of late?
On a certain level, though, I do kinda feel as though I’ve grown from seeing this all happen. I’ve been donating to charities/funds and been spreading the word about injustice/ways to help people affected by disaster; I’m glad that I did something, instead of just sitting back and hoping things’d get better? At the same time, though, I feel like it doesn’t really matter what I give; I could give away all my money (It’s not like I need it, I live with family) and still nothing would change?
I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have. Not everybody gets a lover, friends, and family who support them, a house to live under, good food to eat…What did I do to deserve any of it while people who are probably much kinder and have more potential don’t get to?
Is it natural to feel this way? What would I do to help combat these feelings? No matter if you have any wisdom or not, thanks for taking the time to read this! I needed it off my chest and everyone I know has more important things to deal with, I didn’t know where else to go? Thanks, and have a nice life? <3June 13, 2020 at 7:09 am #358466InkyParticipant
It’s not that you don’t deserve to have friends, family, loved ones, a house and good food to eat. It’s more like EVERYONE deserves those things! Throughout human history we have been surrounded by people, food and shelter, even if it was just a hunting tribe living in caves. So no more guilt, OK? Once you have kids, by the way, you cannot even entertain guilt.
People I know are either doing everything or nothing. We are in the middle of a Collective Trauma. Just getting through it (two breakdowns and a panic attack here) is enough. I feel like a Warrior, to be honest, even with my neuroticism.
InkyJune 13, 2020 at 8:16 am #358470anitaParticipant
“I’ve been donating to charities/ funds and been spreading the word about injustice.. I’m glad that I did something, instead of just sitting back and hoping things get better”- I am glad too, and thank you for doing something to help other people.
“I could give away all my money.. and still nothing would change?.. I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have”-
* It is better to do nothing than to do something that hurts other people.
* It is better to do something that helps other people, even if it is a small something that helps just one person, than to do nothing. It is better for the person you help, and it is better for you because you get to feel that you are making a difference. Be modest about how much you can help others and appreciate the little helpful difference that you can make.
“Not everybody gets.. a house to live under, good food to eat… What did I do to deserve any of it while people who are probably much kinder and have more potential don’t get to?”
* Our world is mostly not a just world; it is mostly not a fair world where good people get to enjoy the rewards for their good deeds and bad people get to suffer the consequences for their bad deeds (and therefore, get motivated to change). You having a house to live in and food to eat is not about you deserving these things (no god entity administering justice and fairness in the world). It just so happens that you have these things. So enjoy the good things you have, best you can.
“I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies and lashing out at people..”- I wonder if you think that you deserve to be anxious, and to worry and to be harmed?
anitaJune 13, 2020 at 4:14 pm #358488ZackParticipant
Thank you both for posting, anita and Inky;
You both make really good points! I think it’s stuff I would’ve known, but I always doubt my intuition; hearing other kind souls say them sorta validates whatever line of thinking I may have?
To Inky; I’m glad you feel like a warrior, in these trying times! If I’m being honest, my career path and my passion, video games, give me that feeling a whole lot. It’s my escapism whenever I feel down, as I like being able to feel like a hero, even if it is just for a little while. Everyone does deserve a good life, and I’ll try my best not to feel bad for the things I have. <3
To anita; I think I might seek some medical professional about my anxiety, because at times, I do feel like I kinda deserve it? I remember, a few nights ago after I had one of my nightmares, I said something to myself akin to:
“You deserve to be worried! Plenty of good people are experiencing what you are every single day! The least you could do is try to feel their pain!”
I don’t know why I say these things to myself when I know I would never say it to anyone else, and I think once I head back to college, I’m going to see if I can’t talk to any on-campus therapists? In any case, thank you for your time, it’s greatly appreciated and I don’t think I would’ve sought out this change had someone not given me this kind of advice. I hope both of you kind souls are staying safe and having the best life possible! <3June 13, 2020 at 4:47 pm #358491anitaParticipant
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I think that seeking an on campus therapist once you go back to college is an excellent idea.
Putting together what you shared in the two posts, Ijust realized that I can very much relate to you when I think of myself when I was your age, and older: “I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies, and lashing out at people, I still get very nervous easily.. . I feel like it doesn’t really matter what I give; I could give away all my money and still nothing would change.. I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have.. whenever I feel down, as I like being able to feel like a hero, even if it is just for a little while… I said something to myself akin to: ‘You deserve to be worried! Plenty of good people.. The least you could do is try to feel their pain!”-
– Growing up my mother was in a lot of pain, mostly emotional, some physical, and I felt so bad for her. I was willing to do anything for her, to make her happy, but nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did helped her. I used to daydream about making her happy in all kinds of heroic ways, being a hero.
I was very anxious, nervous, I worried a lot ( that my mother will die from all the pain she expressed); I felt that I was a bad person, I was angry a lot, I felt powerless to make any difference in any area; I felt selfish, like I didn’t deserve the food and clothes and toys etc., my mother gave me. I believed that I didn’t deserve to be happy, not for as long as my mother wasn’t happy.
I wonder if you experienced something like this with any one of your parents?
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by anita.