July 3, 2020 at 4:45 pm #360438
I am confused about my relationship with this guy that I talk to every single day from morning till night. We’ve met in person a few times before but as a friend. He checks on me when I did not reply to his message or if I don’t message him. We do video calls too. He says he trust me more than he trusts himself. He also mentioned that I am the only person that he trusts the most. He’s hot and cold. He shares all his secrets and I see him opening up to me more recently. However, I find it confusing and hard to read his mind because we are both in different countries. I’m the first person whom he shares good/bad news with. Yesterday he talked about some girls messaging him but he did not mention about him interested in them. Is that normal? does he treat me like his best friend or a therapist of some sort?
what am I to him?
Anna JJuly 3, 2020 at 6:20 pm #360446NoorParticipant
Something I have learned that sometimes it is better to ask a person rather than trying to find the answer yourself. Based on his actions it seems he could consider you a best friend or a therapist or maybe even someone he is potentially interested in as a relationship partner…..but who knows. I would recommend just honestly asking because that way you won’t invest so much time trying to read into every action of his. There is also the chance that he may lie to you but I do not know enough about this person to make that conclusion, so the first step from my perspective is to ask, and based on his answer you can see how you feel.
Also, you also don’t have to be blunt with your question, for example perhaps not directly asking that do you consider me as a best friend or a therapist, rather something along the lines of I was wondering if you feel so comfortable sharing all this with me because you consider me a close friend or? Again, just my advice 🙂July 4, 2020 at 7:44 am #360486
Noor’s reply to you is so perfect, that I will repeat some of it here:
“it is better to ask a person rather than trying to find the answer yourself… I would recommend just honestly asking because that way you won’t invest so much time trying to read into every action of his… the first step is to ask.”
Like Noor wrote to you, if and when you do ask him questions, “there is also the chance that he may lie to you”. When you ask people questions you receive answers that may be completely true, completely false or partly true/ partly false. So it takes evaluating people’s answers. If you do ask him a question and you need help with evaluating his answer, share your question, his answer, and I will be glad to give you my input.
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 9:16 am #360515
Thank you so much Noor and Anita! This is helpful.
I am only scared it will ruin the strong friendship we have. He gets nervous when I don’t text him all day. He also mentioned no one could replace me and that he is grateful and blessed to have me in his life.
I will try to be brave some day and ask him the question.July 4, 2020 at 9:27 am #360517InkyParticipant
Because you live in different countries, he probably views you as “safe”. A relationship without all the headaches of love, touch, and emotions. The real question is, if he moved to where you live and confessed feelings to you, would YOU want that?
InkyJuly 4, 2020 at 10:01 am #360524
You are welcome. You shared hat you are “scared it will ruin the strong friendship we have”, you mean that you are afraid asking him questions will ruin your friendship with him?
If so, can you give me an example of a question that you are afraid will ruin the friendship?
(I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours or so).
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 10:33 am #360527
I agree with you. He probably view me as “safe” or maybe a backup plan if he can’t find anyone. But the only person he shares all his secrets are with me. Even his friends says he is a bit closed off to them.
Your question about if I would want to be in a relationship with him is he confessed. I say yes because I feel we connect somehow. I find myself sharing a lot with him as well. He’s like my most trusted person.
AnnaJuly 4, 2020 at 10:38 am #360529
That’s correct. To be honest, I am afraid to lose him. We’ve been texting each other so much that we are like in a relationship but of no title. Sometimes I wonder if it’s normal for a girl and a guy to be best of friends like that. Where you send good morning text to good night text every single day. I don’t even text my girlfriends like that. Which is why it makes me wonder what am I to him? Are we both falling for each other? or it’s normal?
I didn’t think of any questions yet to ask him. My mind is still all over the place and confused.
I am glad I found this forum where I could share my feelings.
AnnaJuly 4, 2020 at 10:46 am #360530
Reads to me that he is emotionally attached to you and that you are emotionally attached to him.
“He says he trust me more than he trusts himself.. that I am the only person he trusts”- I assume a few people betrayed his trust and it is very important to him, and very exceptional, to trust someone.
I understand that you are afraid that if you ask him anything, he might become uncomfortable and not text you as often or not at all… it is true that some men withdraw when they feel that a woman is pressuring them to have a relationship, even if the woman simply asks a question.
What you can do to get more information about his thoughts, feelings and motivations is to attentively read what he writes to you. You are welcome to copy and paste here parts of what he messaged you (taking out any and every identifying piece of information, of course), and I can try and help you read between the lines, so to speak.
anitaJuly 5, 2020 at 6:58 am #360586
Sorry for the late reply.
I think you are right. We both could be emotionally attached to each other. I had to Google to understand that emotional attachment can happen to two individuals who aren’t in a relationship as well.
That’s correct. He had few failed relationships before so I guess which is why he doesn’t trust anyone anymore. He is in Germany and I am in US. We’ve known each other since small. We travel back and forth but it was nothing like this. We’ve never communicated the way we are communicating now. We tell each other our whereabouts too.
Part of me is afraid to ask him questions because he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years last summer. Is he just using me to get over her or…? But it has been a year. He did mentioned before that he has moved on.
Also, I find myself to be waiting for his messages or phone call/video chat. I find it comforting. However, I am not sure what this means to me as well. Have I developed an emotional attachment with him?
I will post some messages from him here when I find it confusing or messages that will give me mixed signals.
AnnaJuly 5, 2020 at 9:49 am #360698
“Have I developed an emotional attachment with him?”- yes you have. You are clearly emotionally attached to him. But emotional attachment is not something unusual: social animals of all kinds, including dogs, deer, coyotes, wolves and humans form emotional attachments to each other on a regular basis, naturally.
“Is he just using me to get over her..?”- in a way, everyone is using everyone, it is not a bad thing. What is bad is to misuse or abuse another. If your friend is missing his ex girlfriend and calls you to feel better, he is using you to feel better, but that’s not a bad thing, just as you feeling sad for whatever reason, call him to feel better. People use each other this way all the time. On the other hand, if he lies to you and makes false promises to you so that you will be available to him online, that’s misusing or abusing you.
No need to apologize for a late reply, you can post anytime. Whenever you post, I will reply.
anitaJuly 6, 2020 at 8:54 am #360777
Thank you for getting back to me. You are right. We are all using each other some way or the other. He never lied to me though or maybe he did and I just didn’t know since he live in Germany.
So yesterday he asked me to try some tequila shots with my friends. I don’t drink but my friends does. He said just to try but it’s okay if I don’t want to try. He then mentioned that he don’t like to pressure someone that he cares about. But then he said that’s technically everyone’s action. Don’t you find it off? Sometimes he would give mixed signals.
Not sure if I have mentioned before. We know each other’s whereabouts and schedule. We can be on a video call for 3-4 hours long till he switch off his lights to go to sleep.
AnnaJuly 6, 2020 at 9:20 am #360780
“yesterday he asked me to try some tequila shots with my friends… Don’t you find it off?”- yes, I do. It’s not a good thing to ask someone to .. get drunk, basically. It is irresponsible.
You wrote that sometimes you spend 3-4 hours on a video call “till he switch off his lights to go to sleep”- I am thinking that anyone who spends so many hours, some of the time while very tired and sleepy, is going to say irresponsible things from time to time. So don’t take everything he says too seriously, some of what he says- in the context of hours of talking before he goes to bed- is going to be silly or irresponsible. If he says something very alarming though, let me know what it is.
anitaJuly 6, 2020 at 11:14 am #360787
He basically meant to try one shot for experience and not to get myself drunk. Which is why he said he doesn’t want me to try if I don’t know to.
He is also very moody. Based on his zodiac sign, he is moody and can seem to be hot and cold some days. I find it frustrating sometimes. Especially after when I think he is interested in me with the way he talks and behaves, I find him totally opposite the next hour.
Thank you for listening to me Anita. I couldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings and scared of being judged.
AnnaJuly 6, 2020 at 11:47 am #360792
You ae welcome. It is a pleasure talking with you. I understand: he asked that you try one tequila shot. I hope you never drink alcohol or take drugs because someone asked you to do so, not even if the person asks you to drink only one shot, or take just a bit of a drug.
I was going to ask you earlier about what you meant in your original post where you wrote: “He’s hot and cold”, and in your recent post: “he.. seem to be hot and cold some days.. I think he is interested in me with the way he talks and behaves, I find him totally opposite the next hour”-
Can you give me an example of him being hot/ talking and behaving like he is interested in you—> and then being cold/ talking and behaving like he is not interested in you?