Forum Replies Created
July 13, 2020 at 1:39 am #361526
I think it is admirable on your part that you are truly putting in the effort to build a bond with your sister. I am sorry that her reactions make you feel “sad and hurt”, those are certainly not good feelings and you do not deserve that. I hope things gradually get better, and lately, for me, I have been taking a lot of nature walks during such circumstances, it feels like a nice escape for a while.
Wishing you all the best and thank you so much for your kind words.July 12, 2020 at 11:12 pm #361520
I read all your posts and I empathize with you.
One thing I wanted to mention was in regards to building a relationship with your sister. My sister and I are nine years apart, and we have completely different personalities. She is also into gaming, being on her phone, the new trend of TikTok videos, and just wanting to be with her friends. Growing up I always wanted a friendship with my sister but I realized the age gap was significant so it was only natural for us to not have that kind of friendship which sisters that are two or three years apart may have but I still wanted us to have a good, and strong relationship. I will share some of the few things that really helped me build a strong bond with her. However, I understand that people are different so not all things work with everyone, but I will still share in the hopes of something good coming out of it. My sister is a teenager and I am in my twenties.
1) Recognizing that my sister is in a different timeline in life than me and probably has her own stress/troubles etc, I try to bring up conversations that allow her to also open up to me while I can share some of the things in my life. I try to get her to understand how important it is for us to have a good bond because we always need that emotional connectivity, and reliability with someone in our family to feel supported. I always discuss the importance of these things with her and gradually she does understand. I start conversations by asking about her and eventually we have longer conversations. Since I am much older than her I have felt that it is my responsibility to maybe take the lead in strengthening our communication. (This is also because growing up my parents have constantly reminded me to take the lead as the older sibling, it was frustrating at first but I try to view it from a practical lens of age difference)
2) Don’t be afraid to open up to your sister. I have lately been going through a difficult time and again, keeping in mind the age gap I know my sister cannot understand my situation completely but I let her know that I am sad, I am feeling frustrated, I am hurt, or whatever it may be, by doing this she even sees that I also have my bad days and when she has her bad days then she can vent to me.
3) I try to do things she likes for some time such as making TikTok videos (as annoying as they are for me) but for her, they are fun so we spend time doing that and then I will take her on a long drive where we can vent, blast music, and just be ourselves. It was difficult at first but eventually when I started to be more involved in her life then she took initiative as well and we became closer.
Overall after reading all of your posts Annie, I hope you feel better soon. Lately, I have been going through feelings of “numbness, and emptiness” as well stemming from a breakup, and although it is very difficult, just remember it is one step closer to finding a relationship you truly deserve.July 9, 2020 at 5:47 pm #361217
Thank you for responding.
Yes, I am focusing more on work, for now, I got a new job offer which made me really happy.
I guess the marriages I have witnessed in life have been extremely toxic and abusive, but for some reason, I never saw those marriages ending. People were miserable but for some reason, they choose not to leave the other person and stay in this cycle. Perhaps unconsciously I avoided relationships because of that and when I got one I too was determined to make it work no matter what….since I was used to that being normal when clearly it should not be.
I used to also get angry at myself when I craved a romantic relationship because I thought I should be focusing on other things in life and I already have people who support me so what more did I want. I realized after being in the relationship that having a person of the romantic kind can be beautiful and it is completely different than other things in life. It is just unfortunate that my first relationship did not work or I guess fortunate considering how toxic it became. I am slowly learning that I should give myself time and space before I am ready but also not get frustrated when the longing for the companionship of the romantic kind does occur.
Anita, I hope things are going well at your end.July 9, 2020 at 12:15 pm #361166
<div class=”bbp-author-role”>Hi Adelaide1,</div>
I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak, but it is admirable to see that you had the courage to slowly start the dating process. It gives me motivation to see strong people like you that learn from their experience and do move on, no matter how hard it initially seems. You are right regarding missing companionship even more because I know what it feels like but knowing it can happen again gives me reassurance and hope.
I will keep your words in mind when I am ready…whenever that may be. In the meantime, I will try to shift my energy towards learning and loving myself along this journey.
I am sending positive vibes your way. I can tell you must be a good person for even taking the time to advise me in the hopes of some reassurance, so thank you.
</div>July 8, 2020 at 11:55 pm #361082
Thank you for thinking about my wellbeing…I appreciate it.
I guess I am just tired and confused as to when that amazing relationship will be. I feel this relationship was so rushed, and I put in so much effort to the point of extreme exhaustion, and for the other person, it seemed it was so easy to forget all of it and just quit. I sometimes wake up wishing it was all a dream and sometimes I thank my lucky stars for not continuing the relationship longer than a year since it was clearly not the right fit for me.
I don’t know how people even end up in a happy relationship. I have seen so many negative examples around me which to some extent were also because of traditional cultural weddings where two very incompatible people come together to make even a toxic marriage work…..so I understand not all relationships are like that. My point is how do you get to build a good relationship, how do you even build the courage to put your heart out there again, and why am I missing this void so much. It’s like now that the relationship is over, all I can fixate on is how do I move past this, how do I forget him, how do I even begin the process of thinking about a new relationship……I feel scared to ever go through something like this again.
Should I just focus more on other things for now such as work? I tend to overpack my schedule where I am so busy that I don’t even have time to think about my relationship or in this case single life. I use to do it before too where I purposely put a lot on my plate so I can only focus on that but I guess that is also not the healthiest approach.July 8, 2020 at 3:58 pm #361061
It has been a little difficult lately….I am trying to just distract myself and be surrounded by loved ones. I have been focusing more on my professional growth but I just can’t help and miss that feeling of being in a relationship. As time passes, I do not miss him, rather it is the feeling of being with a person who I shared every little moment with. I had not even seen him since February so as much as I missed the physical closeness, for me it was all about emotional connectivity which I miss having the most. I live at home so it is hard to mask my emotions, my family is very supportive but I can’t help feel as if my emotions are also a burden that is making the environment more depressing.
I am trying to keep my busy and focus on other things in life that can and do bring me happiness, but it is like a void is still there. It was my first relationship so I do know how to enjoy life being single, but I still am craving that companionship.
I don’t know what to do.July 5, 2020 at 12:51 pm #360720
I will be away from my computer for a bit but I do want to respond to you. I first just want to start by saying that you are not unworthy of love, friendships, and happiness. No, you deserve all the good things out there. Again, I will further elaborate when I return. In the meantime, I wish you kindness and comforting thoughts to mitigate your anxiety.July 5, 2020 at 12:41 pm #360714
Thank you for offering to be there for me…I really appreciate it. It is unfortunate that we are both dealing with similar situations but it is certainly a relief knowing that I am not alone. I agree with the points Anita has mentioned, you were indeed very admirable in this relationship and took actions on your part to ensure it could work in every way possible. I do not think Dave did, in fact, I truly believe he knew well before dating you, considering he also had a “five-year relationship” before you what his parent’s expectations were which I think should have clearly been communicated to you at the very start of your relationship. Again, I agree with Anita, there is indeed hypocrisy in your story.
I also thought I would marry this person, I told my friends and family all about the life I imagined for us. As time passes though I again reflect back and think, would I want to marry a person with a family that is judging me about things that are not in my control, would I want a man that cannot be honest and sincere with me, do I want a man that cannot simply stand or keep up with the promise he gave me, because all of those things are what love is made of us? So in my opinion, although my boyfriend did tell me he loved me too, it was not the kind of love that I would want in my future marriage or long-term relationship. Even though Dave claims he loved you which I do not want to say he did or did not, I do think two-weeks is too little of time to truly love someone, and even if he did, he simply did not prioritize that love which is something you certainly deserve.
Lisa, I grew up seeing horrible relationships around me especially the marriage of the closest people to me. I have seen countless divorces, betrayals, and subconsciously I started believing this was the outcome of all relations. But, when we think about it on an individual level, it is merely two incompatible people trying to save a marriage which makes it a disaster followed by other environmental factors. Just think had you married Dave there would have been a mountain of problems coming your way, resulting in a potential break-up.
This is a lot to absorb and I don’t want to keep rambling, so for now, it is healthy to take the time and just feel the sadness and when you are ready to talk about it more, I would love to share. One thing I suggest that has helped me is writing a list of all the things that were wrong in this relationship and your expectation of a loving and caring relationship, including for me at least, a loving family-in-law life. I read that when I have the temptation to contact him because at that time I am only focused on the good memories, and re-reading my original forum post because Anita generously helped paint a more clear picture for me, also makes me feel better.July 5, 2020 at 2:30 am #360578
Also, one thing I wanted to mention is that you stated that “before [you met him, you were] so insecure with [yourself] and hated [yourself].
Lisa, I use to feel similar thoughts, and I thought being in a relationship would fix all of that. I am slowly learning that was probably not the best approach because I ended up attracting a person that was not the right fit for me (although he was kind and respectful, there were still many early red flags I could not recognize because of my thought process).
Instead of solely relying on another person to make you feel happy about yourself, I think it is important to take time to find ways that you can appreciate, and value yourself on your own. I hope you are more kind to yourself. Being comfortable in doing things for yourself and taking up new hobbies, meeting new people, and taking those steps to feel happy. I truly feel when we learn to be happy on our own then we can come to a place of serenity that no one can have the power to take away from us.
I know all of this is much easier said than done since I am still learning myself but I do believe if we keep practicing such things every day then we can learn to love, instead of hating ourselves.July 5, 2020 at 2:16 am #360577
I can completely relate to your story and your emotions. I am experiencing my first break up, in my early twenties, after a year-long relationship with a guy who is also Indian, an only child and the reason we supposedly cannot be together now is that his family believes in arranged marriages. I have posted my full story on a separate form titled “claim he is not choosing his parents, rather he is losing me” if you are interested in reading my entire story.
In my relationship what really hurt me the most was the dishonesty on his part for not telling me from the very beginning the expectations of his family. We both belong to the same culture and religion, so he would constantly reassure me it would never be a problem but was always afraid to tell his parents about me (again, my full story is already posted and it hurts to retype it), anyways fast forward, after he told his parents they had very extreme reactions and well eventually said they would not be accepting and primarily because they did not “choose” me. They didn’t even bother talking to me because his mother was just too stubborn in her own ways according to him. We have been going back and forth but the relationship has recently ended for good.
I have been a mess as well, constantly going through emotions where I am fine, then sad, then angry, and then just feeling numb from all the hurting. It has been almost a week but the pain is still very sharp. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system of my family and friends which has been really helpful but of course, it is still taking time to heal. I am focusing on other things in my life that I use to enjoy doing, but the pain really stems from this first heartbreak which I truly believed to be “the one” for me. As time passes, I am realizing that our relationship was bound to end and maybe the sooner it happened the better. Such cultures and traditions are deeply rooted in many South Asian families (I speak from experience), and you can never truly free yourself from it, and it is the worst when you do marry into it. You are expected to compromise your life and revolve everything around theirs, although it does depend on the person, it is still the case for many individuals.
I cannot give an exact estimate as to how long the pain will last since I am currently going through it, but I do find that it is slowly, slowly getting better. I started becoming obsessed with how I could have saved the relationship or why this all was happening but once you start to accept and focus on the healing process then it does get better. To be honest I am still learning and trying to relieve the pain so when I fully do then I would be happy to share more of my thoughts on the matter with you. For now, all I can suggest is to really focus on distracting yourself, meditating (I just started but I have read that it can do wonders for a person), and journaling. Do what you need to feel comfortable and my advice is to try not to call and text. I did call him a few times after the breakup and the same with him but the thing is no matter what the outcome will not change and talking just delays the healing process. However, when I did make the call it did feel better to get it out of my system so I am not sure if it was still the right thing to do but at the time I needed to and after I felt better, but for the future, I am going to try and avoid it. Just don’t be too harsh on yourself, it’s okay to go through these phases, I am learning it is all part of the process to feeling better.July 4, 2020 at 10:27 pm #360569
Thank you for being so responsive…I really appreciate it. I need to just take some time and heal from this, I went through a really bad wave today of anger, sadness, and just the feeling of betrayal. I called him because I really could not resist the feeling but a part of me is a little happy because hearing the stuff he said on the phone…..the way he accepted the end of this relationship and made it very clear that “he does not care if he does not have a very loving married life…as long as his parents do not disconnect with him then he will be fine”... made it more clear in my head that he really is just all about himself and it does not matter who his potential life partner will be since he is very much okay with living the life his parents expect him to. I guess I do respect that, I respect his parents choice and their expectations from their only son, I just wish he had been honest since the very beginning.
Since this was my first love I thought this was it and it just had to work…..but my friends and family reassure me that first break-ups are always the worst but it does get better and slowly I will be able to accept that he was not the person I believed him to be or a person I want to marry. I remember he once told me adoption for him was out of the question and for me it is my dream to adopt kids…I can’t believe at the time I was even ready to compromise on that……this further shows me that we really were not meant for a future together. It’s like my mind knows and can rationalize the situation but my heart is the tough battle that I keep having to fight.July 4, 2020 at 11:41 am #360540
Anita, one thought I keep having is was I lacking something….could I have been better in any way for him to maybe fight….even just a little harder. I never had a relationship before and I truly believed he was “the one”….jokes on me. I am so scared to ever data again…..I don’t want to go through such feelings...I hate this feeling.July 4, 2020 at 11:38 am #360539
You are right. As time passes, although I know I did the healthy thing by ending things on my part and trying to move on I still go through waves of intense emotions where I feel sad, angry, and most of all betrayed. I still can’t believe some people can be this way but I am still trying to focus on the learning point of this relationship. Anita, I feel it was still so easy for him to just forget or though that is what it seems like. I still can’t properly sleep knowing all the moments we shared and still mad at myself for choosing such a person. Anita, I can’t tell you the extreme measures I took for him, and to end up with literally nothing in return hurts. I am still trying to wrap my head around why I ever was with him in the first place and why I “chased” him. The more I think about my childhood and the relationships I have grown up seeing around me…the more I realize the things that had fogged my judgment…I just need to work on those.
This forum really helps. I have read so many threads and it gives me hope to see people that have gone through similar and even worse things but have overcome them. I just wish I stay strong to continue and fight the urge to contact him. My friends are now dating which is amazing, I am there listening ear but the more I hear about their dating life the more the memories of my ex engulf me and the harder it feels. Trying to take it one day at a time.
Thank you, Anita.July 4, 2020 at 2:41 am #360459
You may have just posted your last response as a way to vent so please do not feel as if you have to reply or even read my post. However, in case you do, my only sincere advice to you is to walk away while you can before it continues further and you are even more devastated. As per your response, it is clear that because of his family/cultural traditions there is no long term or marriage in this relationship and if that is something you hope for in your own future, then it might be better to move on and start your healing process. I know it is extremely hard especially because your life is so used to him but sometimes making the harder choice is better for a mentally happier future you.
If this form of love sucks then it is not the love you deserve.
NoorJuly 3, 2020 at 6:20 pm #360446
Something I have learned that sometimes it is better to ask a person rather than trying to find the answer yourself. Based on his actions it seems he could consider you a best friend or a therapist or maybe even someone he is potentially interested in as a relationship partner…..but who knows. I would recommend just honestly asking because that way you won’t invest so much time trying to read into every action of his. There is also the chance that he may lie to you but I do not know enough about this person to make that conclusion, so the first step from my perspective is to ask, and based on his answer you can see how you feel.
Also, you also don’t have to be blunt with your question, for example perhaps not directly asking that do you consider me as a best friend or a therapist, rather something along the lines of I was wondering if you feel so comfortable sharing all this with me because you consider me a close friend or? Again, just my advice 🙂