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Noor

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 52 total)
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  • #365728
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your advice, I truly value and appreciate your insights!

    It is reassuring to hear the suggestions you have provided. I like the emphasis on initially treating the meetings as interviews before committing to dating and considering a lifetime relationship with anyone. I feel less anxious about trying this online dating process now and I will continuously read your input to ensure I am still on track. I definitely feel for me physical intimacy will not be with anyone until I have considered that person as someone I can have a lifetime relationship with so certainly not during the casual public place meetings.

    Sending you good wishes as always!

    Love,

    Noor

    #365609
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are you? I am always wishing you well!

    Prior to starting online dating and seeing some of my friends do it, I do have some questions and I was hoping I could get some input from you:

    When starting online dating are there any general rules…that would be good to keep in mind. For example, should you exchange numbers or start texting and calling on your cell number before you meet? I know some people keep calling and texting for a good few weeks before meeting in person, is that a good idea? I am living where we can meet people being socially distanced or with a mask since lockdown restrictions have eased.

    Also, what is considered taking it slow when you meet someone from the app? Since both of you are looking for a relationship based on the profiles, but what would be a good amount of time before giving that title of being in a relationship? I have a friend that met someone online and after two weeks and four dates and texting non-stop,  they are now officially a couple which I find is VERY soon but I know it is different for everyone. Should you also plan dates with the person twice in one week or give it at least a week’s gap to ensure you are taking things slowly.

    I  may be overthinking this but because it would be my first time I would love to get some perspective on these things.

    Love,

    Noor

    #364660
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response, once again, truly appreciate it! I feel better about my decision.

    Yes, certainly. It was a little hard at first but I am happy that I did 🙂

    I hope you have a good day ahead of you!

     

    #364601
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    One of the greatest learning curves from my ex was to not be involved in a relationship with someone who’s immediate family lives in India. I feel coming from a similar culture, I have realized the severe family dynamics, and social issues of arranged marriage that exist give me severe anxiety as I know it will be a bubble of uncertainties. My preference would really be to talk to people who’s family is living in North America. I am a very family-oriented person and I want the opportunity to get to know their family because with my ex I believed too much of his words since I had no way of getting to know his family living miles away. Would it be healthy to carry this thinking when dating? For example, if I am speaking to someone who has family residing in India then perhaps it may not be the wisest to continue the conversation.  I also don’t want to miss out on someone great because of that but I feel it might be the best thing to do before I get too invested and then I am not able to.

    I ask because recently my friend told me about someone she thinks I might get along with (she does not know as much about my experience with my ex and the reasons for the relationship to end), I agreed to speak to the person she suggested. After a few conversations over text, I learned his whole family resides in India, and only he has been living in the same city as me for five years. I just didn’t want to continue the conversation further and politely ended the conversation. I know I could have taken the time to get to know him better before jumping to conclusions but I find it only becomes harder then because your selective memory kicks in and you want to focus only on the positive “what ifs” rather than that harsh reality check.

    Do you feel that was okay for me to do?

    #364418
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, I think online may be the best option for now. It is wonderful to hear that you met your husband online as well, I love hearing such sweet stories. I will most likely make an account soon, I have not heard of Plenty of Fish before so that will be an interesting one for me to explore along with the most popular one that my friends are using which is Bumble. I will give you an update as things progress. I am so happy to hear that I can have your guidance and support along the way, thank you!

    I look forward to writing to you again soon, in the meantime, I am sending good wishes your way!

    Warmly,

    Noor

    #364329
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How wonderfully put! I love reading your metaphors because they do such a nice job in describing exactly what I need to hear. You’re absolutely right there is no need to rush and that was the biggest learning lesson from my first relationship so it would be a mistake if I did not implement that! I think I will have the hardest time with it but I will make sure to give myself constant reminders and daily reflection checks when I do start to date again to ensure that does not happen. The greatest challenge now will be how I start dating! Since with COVID-19 all my hobbies have become virtual, my school is done, and my work is remote, and none of my friends know anyone that they can recommend either as they are also single and trying to date. Online dating has been working for many of my friends so I am curious to learn more about how that works but with an open mind to make sure I am not rushing anything.

    Dear Rose of Yellow,

    I love your username! Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much. Wow, I did not even think about codependency from that aspect but it makes so much sense. A healthy relationship should consist of both individuals respecting and valuing each other but also making sure the other is fully functioning, as you mentioned. I guess these are all lessons that I will now keep in mind as I move forward in life and not just relationship wise but in general. I wish you a wonderful week ahead!

    With love,

    Noor

    #364270
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for checking in with me, I really appreciate it.

    I am doing good and spent approximately 12 hours of my day today outdoors surrounded by mountains and a beautiful lake so it was peaceful.

    I hope you had a good day too.

    I was actually going to write on this thread as lately I feel myself missing having a companion of the romantic kind by my side.  I realized in my initial post I wrote my relationship with my ex was six months of long-distance but I guess I was a mess while writing that post and didn’t realize it was actually 10 months of long-distance with only 3 months of it in person. I had not seen him since February and the whole thing officially ended mid-June. Prior to the relationship ending, I had already built a safeguard around me knowing the relationship could end when his family found out because of all the concerns I initially had due to confusing responses. Maybe that is why I feel I am moving on faster than I thought since I had put a stop to my feelings well before. There are occasional low days that I am handling better, and usually, those low days happen because I miss having a companion.  At first, I was worried if I have a co-dependency issue or something but, to be honest even during the good times of my past relationship I would still balance all of my other things and never felt I was isolating myself and only relying on my partner, it just felt nice to have someone to share parts of your day with. Even though it was my first relationship and the majority of it was long-distance I still valued the emotional aspect of having someone. I am grateful to have friends and family for that as well but, of course, it is not the same.

    I guess for that reason I feel like I want to now maybe try to just get to know people, and then this time slowly see if I want a relationship with that person instead of rushing things as I did with my ex. I guess I am confused because I feel the official break up being only 1.5 months old is not long enough….should I still wait longer before I start to consider dating again? As much as I miss having a romantic companion, I am enjoying my new freedom of being single since I am re-discovering parts of me that got lost in that past relationship, and I genuinely am worried about if that happens again because of a new relationship.

    So these are some thoughts that lately dwell in my mind which I wanted to share with you in the hopes of some advice, I would be grateful for any feedback you may have.

    With love,

    Noor

    #364173
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear S:

    I am a new member of Tiny Buddha and after reading your entire story, I am so proud of how far you’ve come! I am sending more good wishes your way.

    I experienced a similar tale of betrayal as to yours and as hurtful as it was; it was certainly a learning point in my life. I hope to not bring back any negative feelings for you but I just wanted to ask how you are doing now?

    Warmly,

    Noor

     

    #363748
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you once again for all your kindness! Your words truly mean a lot and I am feeling so happy that I had the chance to contribute towards making your day 🙂

    I will keep your words in mind about emotions never staying constant to ensure I am better prepared for my days ahead. I am fortunate to find this forum and community of support that I can turn to even in the future!

    Dear Yellow Rose,

    Yes, I agree with your points about viewing this relationship as an opportunity of self-growth and being grateful that I did not end up marrying this man! The more I reflect on the nature of the relationship, the more I realize it was bound to end sooner or later as we were just too incompatible, so the sooner it ended, the better for me. I have truly learned how different people in this world can be and unfortunately, some may be dishonest, manipulative, and very cruel.  I am happy that my future will have a healthier relationship and I can take many lessons from my ex moving forward.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate your words of wisdom and kindness. I am sending good wishes your way!

     

    #363705
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to truly emphasize on how much your replies made an impact on my healing process. Whenever I am having a low day or thinking about the fantasy of that relationship (which is becoming less and less) then I read our posts. It makes me feel so much better and realize the reality of the situation.

    I am lucky that restrictions, where I am living, are slowing easing so I can go back to doing a lot of my favorite hobbies such as hiking and going on long bike rides. I feel liberated in a beautiful way and for the first time, I am thankful for experiencing a heartbreak. I could never have viewed it from that perspective if it wasn’t for your thoughtful and quick replies to me. I am also slowly, slowly feeling like I will be ready to put myself out there again, not yet but maybe sooner than I expect.

    Amidst all the chaos currently happening in the world, I wanted to ask how you are doing? I continue to actively read these forms and notice how much you take the time from your day to reply to others in the hopes of uplifting their spirit, it is inspiring.

    I genuinely hope all is going well with you.

    Love,

    Noor

    #363091
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    After reading your post, it seems a lot of your worries and fears stem from this “what if” factor.

    Your relationship of two months sounds like it has no other major issues, although you did type that you feel he listens but does not understand you…could you please expand on that? The main issue right now is that your boyfriend not willing to commit to marriage because for him it is too soon, is that correct? From his perspective, it seems he is still trying to solve things related to his ex and his kid and he is clearly communicating with you that he will not be ready to commit to marriage until at least 1 to 2 years. He is thinking about what he wants as he should because he has every right to do so and so far it seems he is being honest with you from the very start (although I do not know enough about him to make a concrete conclusion about if he is an honest or dishonest person). I can understand that you are hurt because he is not making the commitment of marriage to you but from his viewpoint, two months is very fast to commit to a lifetime. Regardless of how great the time you are both spending right now is or how often it could simply be the honeymoon phase and it would be wise for the relationship to progress more before making such a commitment.

    “Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…”  I actually feel it is good that he is not marrying you for such purposes, because otherwise, you will never know if he is marrying you because he truly loves you or because of visa or since you can help him with house installments.

    Now, the other guy is the one your family feels you should marry. He is a family friend, also the brother of your sister’s husband and it seems you also know him fairly well as you wrote he is one of your good friends. This family friend is ready to marry you but that could also be because he too is feeling pressure from his family ( I am not 100% and you can write more details if you wish). You could marry this person immediately but you will also never know how long or how good that marriage will be because that is also a “what if” since although he is your good friend, you do not know him from a romantic/intimate aspect. People can treat and react very differently when they are with their girlfriend/boyfriend compared to when they are just with a friend.

    In both scenarios, it seems you will be taking a risk. On the one hand, you have a current relationship which is currently facing a lot of problems because you are both not on the same page, on the other hand, there is this family friend who you can marry right away. The choice is really up to you.

    You could continue dating your current boyfriend for a few months and see how it goes, I know you don’t want to wait a year but if the relationship cannot even survive one year then marriage is really out of the equation. Or you can simply marry your family friend and hope that relationship is strong enough to survive the lifetime commitment of marriage.

    At this moment Peace, what is it that you feel the most comfortable doing? Do not think of this situation from your boyfriend, or your family friend, or your family, or your best friend’s perspective but simply yours. At the end of the day, it will be you that has to live your life and you need to be at peace with your decision. Unfortunately, there is no way as of right now for me to really tell you what the right decision is because the “what ifs” are never going to end. Sometimes in life, we learn from experience, some good and some unfortunately bad, but what matters is going with your gut feeling. Family pressure can be a lot of stress on your mental health but I highly encourage you to not make a decision simply because of your family, family is indeed very important but again, at the end of the day, it is you that will be living with the decision you make.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    #363081
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Marina,

    Being in a relationship is a natural craving, after all, human beings are social animals. We long for companionship but to make them the ultimate purpose or goal in life can be extremely stressful even for the person you are with. Think of it this way you are taking all your lemons and putting it one basket that is not capable of handling more than let’s say 50 lemons but if you continue to overwhelm it instead of dividing the lemons and using other baskets then you are bound to damage the basket.

    Your desire to be in relationships should be parallel to other things in life as well, such as your career goals, family, friends, and other things that make your life your life. Even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship it is still important for that relationship to not become your everything to a point where you are not able to set boundaries or you are “dropping everything to care” for the other person.

    Many of the things you have mentioned such as “no one will ever want to date/marry me”, makes me wonder why you feel such negativity towards you. It seems you are willing to care, empathize, love, and appreciate the person you are with which are wonderful qualities and  I am certain you have many more. So why wouldn’t anyone want to date/marry you? I would highly encourage that you take some time away from this relationship and focus on you. The letting go process as Anita mentioned will be hard but it is a journey that is important for you to take in order to be in a relationship that can nurture and grow. Just remember your purpose in life should first and for most be to take care of your mental wellbeing and the rest should follow.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    #362354
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    From personal experience, I can relate to what you are currently experiencing in your relationship. My very first boyfriend (now ex) was always reluctant from the start to tell anyone in his family that he is dating, he never told them about our relationship or any of his previous ones for that matter, and when the time finally came to tell his family then things escalated downhill extremely fast. The relationship had been of one year with half of it being long-distance but throughout the relationship, I too was unease about why he would not tell his family about me. I could never truly enjoy the relationship because my gut feeling always knew there was a reason he was not telling his family and although he assured me they were very liberal and accepting, I still felt something was wrong. I should never have ignored my gut feeling.

    My main learning outcome from that relationship was to always focus on a person’s actions rather than their words. If you feel there might be the slightest chance of you having a future with this current boyfriend of yours then I would recommend you take a break from this relationship until he is ready to have a conversation with his family and is willing to introduce you to at least one family member. During this break, you do not have to see other people rather you can simply put a little pause on the two of you speaking or spending any time together. No matter how many times he says he has had the conversation or that they will be okay with it, I would still recommend that you focus on his actions and have the chance to speak to one of his family members. Right now all you have are his words to trust but when it comes to tribal issues and arranged marriages, words are not enough. Let his actions speak. Since the relationship has only been for 3 months it will be extremely wise on your end to have this cleared right now before the relationship prolongs. You really don’t want to invest more months only to end up with a broken heart.

    Also, from your original post, it seems he told you he had a conversation with his sister but now he is telling you he didn’t? Did he lie to you about this conversation?

    #362291
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle,

    We all learn from experiences they are important in helping us grow as individuals. I personally agree with Anita that he also came on very strong and it is only natural to feel so flattered when a guy does say such amazing things to you right from the start. I feel the outcome of the situation is for the best for you because you now do not have to be in this “what if” boat with him and instead focus on talking to other people while learning from this situation.

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed. Please do take care of yourself extra and the more you think of this as only a learning experience the better for your mental health.

    With love,

    Noor

    #362179
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Isabelle,

    It is great that you are at least well aware of your habits to fall instantly for people. I am also familiar which is why I have to try and be extra careful to best protect my heart from getting hurt. For me, it is also the inherent uncertainties but as time passes I have realized that no matter what, uncertainties can arise at any point in a relationship so it is best to first take things slowly to at least avoid getting hurt from the start.

    I think once you start dating more people and actively remind yourself to take things slowly then it will get better. My first relationship recently ended and a huge part of it was because I didn’t take the time to truly know the person hence I ignored all the red flags later because I was so “in love”.

    I am happy that you have chosen to take a step back at least for now and continue the dating process. If J is really the person for you and if he truly cares then it will become apparent. Just think of it this way when you are entering a committed relationship there are qualities you would like in your partner and sort of use that as a checklist during this dating process, there is nothing wrong with that and it might help prevent the pain you have gone through in previous relationships.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Noor

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