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Ending a long distance relationship

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  • February 13, 2016 at 1:16 pm #95982
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    HI Everyone, Im new to this site so bear with me! Im feeling really down at the moment and need to reach out to somebody. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 1.5 years now and feel I have no choice but to end it. We met on holidays and since then we meet every weekend with the occasional weekend off. We live a 3 hour drive away from each other. Several times I have brought up the topic of us moving in together. He goes really quiet and avoids the conversation and says things like maybe, we’ll see how it goes. He still lives at home with his mother and I rent a house with 2 housemates. His parents are divorced. There is an age gap between us, he is 26 and I am 30. We love each other deeply. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met. We have such a deep connection and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are so happy when we are together and have the same interests and outlook on life. He recently brought up in conversation that his mother wants to move house. She has the house up for sale and is now looking for a two bedroom cottage for the both of them. He said he is excited for this. I feel that he could not possibly see a future with me if he is planning on continuing to live with his mother. When I brought this up he became avoidant again and said he doesnt know and cannot predict the future but that he loves me so much and wants to continue with our relationship but he still cannot give me any indication of our future. I really dont understand this and feel that he could not really love me enough. I would love to settle down in the next few years. Should I wait it out or just end it now…? I am devestated 🙁

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by kaleidoscope.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by kaleidoscope.
    February 13, 2016 at 1:27 pm #95985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    He loves you… but there is a woman he loved first, way before he met you, a woman to whom he is most attached, maybe desperately attached… you know who I am talking about….

    What do you know about their relationship, past and present?

    anita

    February 13, 2016 at 1:44 pm #95986
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks for your reply. I feel that his mother is very bossy and I can feel quite intimidated by her sometimes. I feel that she is also very lonely because her husband left her and also her daughter died a few years ago. I feel she is very jealous of me and often jokes that I am trying to steal him away etc. I have tried so much to be friends with her and it is what I want desperately. I think my boyfriend feels obliged to stay with her but also I feel that it suits him financially.

    February 13, 2016 at 1:53 pm #95987
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    You have competition, serenity, competition with his mother. She herself expressed it clearly to you, saying that you are trying to steal him away from her. What does it mean, this statement, steal him away? Sounds to me if she is afraid you steal him away, it means that she feels she owns him. How else can something be stolen unless it is owned?

    And he felt attached to her naturally since his birth, 26 years ago. And he has a financial benefit in living with her.

    How can you compete?

    Did he ever express anger at his mother? Did you see him angry at her, anything he shared with you to that affect?

    anita

    February 13, 2016 at 3:37 pm #95988
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Not really anger. But I feel he wishes she were happier. She doesnt work or go out much. She has talked to him about her unhappiness and her previous dependency on alcohol.
    I understand that he wants to look after his mother and they have a sacred relationship but I feel left out in the cold by this. He knows for a long time now that I want us to move in together. Sometimes, I feel its not really so much about his mother but his lack of commitment to me and his unwillingness to be responsible ie. paying rent, bills etc.

    February 13, 2016 at 3:38 pm #95989
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Are you considering moving to where he is currently living? Or are you asking him to move to you? If you are considering breaking up with him I’d advise you to sit with him quietly next time you are together physically and calmly explain that if he’s not ready to take that next step you feel like you need to move on. If you are willing to move in with him NEAR his mother so he can still see her on a regular basis that might be a good compromise.

    February 13, 2016 at 6:56 pm #95994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    You are devastated by the fact that you found out that he is excited about moving to a different place… with his mother while you were hoping that he will be interested in moving with you. And he told you that he cannot predict the future with you.

    It is obvious that regardless of his relationship with his mother, he is not ready to commit to a relationship with you beyond what it is, that is moving in together, paying rent, etc.

    I wonder if since the posts above, if you communicated with him further.Please do post again if there are any development and otherwise, to express your feelings… Sorry you are going through this hard time.

    anita

    February 14, 2016 at 1:09 pm #96027
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your replies. We spoke on the phone the other night and he told me that his mom has now bought a plot of land and they are going to begin building a 2 bed bungalow for themselves soon. I didnt want to get into the conversation on the phone. I will see him in person on Friday. I just hope I will have the courage to follow through with it. I keep thinking maybe in time he will want to move in with me. I would be willing to move to where he lives and live close to his mother. He has not ever suggested this to me. He has told me in the recent past that he is happy to keep things as they are and maybe in the future we could move in together but cannot tell me when this will be. I feel that we have been together for 1.5yrs and I am 30 yrs old. I cannot wait anymore…

    February 14, 2016 at 2:49 pm #96030
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    We can make our best decisions based on the information we have. According to the information you have he has no plans to change his relationship with you from the way it is and has been. No such plans whatsoever. You are also aware of his payoff of living with his mother: not paying rent and other expenses he would have to pay if he was to change the relationship with you. This is strong information, evidence, in my evaluation, to believe that there is a very small chance that … out of the blue he will change his mind. He is not even debating between living with his mother OR with you: he is not conflicted. It is clear he is sure about what he wants to do.

    So, if you are waiting, there is no evidence to support your waiting being reasonable because he is not conflicted and his mind is set about what he wants to do.

    If I was you, I would have a frank conversation with him telling him just that: what you need and want. And if indeed you get no new information about his position… then you either accept things as they are or you end the relationship.

    So far, it seems to me that he was honest with you, not leading you on. So, make use of that, get any information yet to be gotten and make your informed choice.

    anita

    February 17, 2016 at 5:02 am #96266
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for all your replies. Been feeling so emotional the last few days. My bf will be here this weekend and we will talk then but I feel it will inevitably end with us breaking up. I am starting to feel really afraid at the thoughts of this. Im not close to my family and dont have any very close friends. I feel like the foundations are being pulled out from under me. I have suffered very badly from anxiety in the past and I can feel this creeping in again. I cant stop worrying about the future. I feel so angry and depressed that this is happening. I put so much effort into the relationship and always gave him time and space so he wouldnt ever feel pressured or anything. Looking back I feel I was a pushover.

    February 17, 2016 at 8:25 am #96280
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    Reading about your anxiety and lack of social support, about you feeling that the foundations are being pulled out from under you, I am thinking that you may consider the possibility of not ending your relationship with him after all, not at this point. If the relationship the way it is (and since it is not abusive) gives you some comfort and you will be lacking adequate comfort if you end it, then maybe you shouldn’t end it this weekend.

    In any case, I would, if I was you, express to him this coming weekend the truth of how you feel, all of how you feel including that you need his attention still (however inadequate it is), if this is the case. Being authentic is most important and you can be that possibly if you don’t end the relationship. You can use the time this weekend to learn more about him, to take a break from your anxiety and ask him questions about what motivates him, as if you were “only” a friend. Ask him if he sees himself living with his mother for years and years… and anything you are curious about.

    anita

    February 22, 2016 at 4:15 am #96736
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    HI Everyone,

    So we spoke at the weekend and decided that the best thing would be to end the relationship. I know it is the right thing to do. I feel absolutely devestated and I dont know how to get on with my life. I feel I will never be happy again. I dont really have anybody else in my life that Im close to. I find it very difficult to find people that I connect with and can really enjoy being myself around. I struggling to understand what the meaning of my life is if I dont have somebody to love and someone who loves me.

    February 22, 2016 at 6:41 am #96741
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Serenity,

    I’m going through the same. Hang in there and we will soon get over it. Cry. Cry as much as you want. Let everything come out of you. Crying will clean all your sadness. And meditate. I’ve just started a 40-day sadhana for myself. 108 om namah shivaya mantras daily. Really feels like I’m cleansing. Take a moment to grieve and suffer. We need that and it is fine. New things will come along, we need just to open ourselves. I’m here going through the same so feel free to talk to me anytime.

    February 22, 2016 at 8:07 am #96753
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear serenity:

    To love and be loved, to truly love and be loved does give serenity, doesn’t it? But even here, on this site, you can express yourself more, someone responds with empathy, maybe a word of wisdom, and you take that. So there is something for you, some love even here. Please do post again anytime.

    anita

    February 22, 2016 at 8:48 am #96757
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Thank you for that. It is really helpful to me to post here. Cath I would love to correspond with you, thank u. I have been crying for most of the weekend and last night I felt a bit like I might lose my mind. Im finding it hard to allow the grief and sorrow to fully come up because I start to get really panicky. Im hoping that in time it will release.

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