Forum Replies Created
June 29, 2016 at 5:17 pm #108532
“Once again ask it, once again state it, and that calmed it for a while, if I was lucky, but soon enough, here is that urge again and it wants to be verbalized, pushing through those vocal chords: say it! Say it!”
This is a PERFECT description of what I feel. All the way down to the calm of being “reassured” for a short while. But the payoff of having to argue or harm my relationship by making him think I don’t trust him or question his integrity is just no longer worth it. I’ve basically been just refusing to ask or say it…like you describe. It’s not easy but I have hope that it’ll get easier. It makes me feel a little better to hear that I’m not the only person who has the urge to do this.
Thanks so much for your insight!June 7, 2016 at 12:04 pm #106671
I have to say I used to have a problem with my ex watching porn. What it came down to was an insecurity within myself. I am now in a relationship where we both occasionally watch/view porn (both together and separately). Porn is not the issue.
If a boyfriend told you that you were no longer allowed to watch “chick flicks” because they set unrealistic expectations for how men should behave in a relationship you’d be livid. And then, if your same boyfriend “caught you”, an adult woman, watching one and broke up with you because of it…I’m pretty sure you’d never speak to him again. It’s “normal” for women to watch those kinds of things, it’s “normal” for men (and women) to enjoy watching other people have sex. Unless he’s comparing you to the women in the porn, it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s taken me YEARS to learn this and accept it but it is.
It’s crazy to lose a good relationship over porn. But reading your post there was already more going on here. If you want to explore the problems in the relationship with him and he’s willing you can definitely do that, but I’d forget the porn.
Just my 2 cents.June 7, 2016 at 11:51 am #106670
I know someone who was in a very similar situation to the point that he finally separated from his wife even though they have 2 small children. He coparents the children and does well on his own. She continues to behave in much the same way…messy house, very little responsibility for anything, constantly expects him to do things for her (repair things, research things, etc). Only difference is that now, unless it’s for his kids, he can and does say no and tell her is her problem.
Your situation is yours, not his. But unless she’s willing to change or afraid to lose you, she’s not going to change.May 2, 2016 at 1:00 pm #103391
I have a similar, though less intense, association from the one time in my relationship that my boyfriend did something dumb and hurt my feelings regarding another girl. It wasn’t that big of a deal but it occurred on a vacation to a particular place during a very cold, rainy weekend. Even now, after sorting it all out, knowing the truth and knowing his true feelings and intentions, I still get a little “flashback” when I am out in that exact kind of weather. Or when I walk into that place. Luckily, I’ve been able to actually go there and have new experiences with different outcomes so I no longer have a strong negative reaction. Maybe it’s possible to watch movies about Venice or read books or even travel there with family or very good friends and replace that association with a different, positive association.
Just a suggestion.April 30, 2016 at 5:13 am #103164
Yes, I had actually thought about that as well. Especially if that third person was someone we’d need to see again on a regular basis if we decided not to continue. If that person development feelings or an attachment, even if neither of us did, it would make things beyond awkward. It’s not so much about things being or getting boring (we’re both spontaneous, “weird” and creative people) but more about questioning is the “old way” the right way just because it’s the traditional way of having a relationship.
It’s more of an intellectual discussion because I’m not sure I could evolve emotionally to the point I could be comfortable anyway.April 30, 2016 at 4:40 am #103161
I definitely do not think your scenerio is getting carried away. Those are the exact reasons I’ve never seriously considered going through with it. And I know that I tend to be a bit jealous and a bit insecure (both things I’m working on and things that have gotten much better thanks to this boyfriend). So I can only imagine the way I could potentially feel…especially if you add in my tendency to over think. I have a feeling that if there was a look or gesture or anything I’d assume it meant more than it did. Basically, I’m pretty sure I can’t separate the two and I’d end up in the situation you describe above. Even if he did nothing….April 27, 2016 at 12:51 pm #102926
I absolutely do not want this to sound flippant as that is not my intention at all…but he stated he felt it would help if you told him when you started to feel anxious. So maybe do just that. If need be, sit down with him during a non conversational moment and discuss it with him a little. See if he can help you come up with a phrase or sign you can give to let him know you’re getting anxious. And maybe even come up with a signal for when you’d like to change the subject to a lighter one without having to say “honey, can you shut up about that now? “April 23, 2016 at 2:42 pm #102558
I don’t know why it’s not posting my full reply 🙁 I’ll try again later.
I agree with Anita. I do not believe soul mate exist and I think this idea is one of the big issues in many dating situations.
“I would agree with your buddhist friend on accepting her and her beliefs, but would elaborate on it: do accept that she will leave you when she gets that … feeling for another man. Can you do that? Truly accept and have peace with what she told you she will do: leave you when she gets a feeling for another man? Can it be okay with you to be with her until then and then see her go?”
I also think this is important. For if she truly believes this then if she ever feels like she meets her “soul mate” I believe she will not hesitate to leave you to be with him. Your choice if that’s a risk you can live with.April 23, 2016 at 1:58 pm #102554
I agree (againApril 23, 2016 at 1:58 pm #102553April 23, 2016 at 1:53 pm #102550
I agree with Anita. As frustrating as it is, don’t just lose your virginity just to get it over with. It’s a bit of a big deal and one day you’ll date someone that YOU will want to have sex with. It will mean much more to you if you wait. And, trust me, any guy worth a darn will be pleased as punch that you waited for the right opportunity rather than just doing it with whoever.April 23, 2016 at 1:48 pm #102549
First, four months is not that long to be into a breakup and I think the feelings are pretty normal. However I also feel like you may be spending so much time and energy trying to win him back and convince him that it’ll work that you’re not really giving yourself a chance to work through the actual feelings from the break up. Or to give yourself a chance to move on. There is the possibility that there is a better relationship out there for you. If that’s the reason he left and he’s never once considered reconciliation then I think it’s safe to say there’s more to his side of the story than that. Whether you know or will ever know is not all that important. As hard as it is, I recommend that you cut off all contact with him. Definitely do not beg him to come back, try to convince him any further that you’re the one for him, etc. If he decides he misses you and wants to get back together he knows how you feel and he can contact you. You can then decide if that’s something YOU want. In the mean time, work on being truly happy alone. Don’t necessarily date if you’re not comfortable doing that yet. Take time to figure out what YOU want, what YOU need and what YOU’RE willing to accept in a relationship so that you are prepared for the next opportunity.
Just my 2 cents. I know it’s hard as we tend to build expectations and plans that seem hopeless when a relationship ends. Try not to think about it that way, try to see this as a chance to get to now yourself and build a relationship with you that will allow an even better romantic relationship in the future!April 19, 2016 at 3:10 pm #102276
That’s what I’m planning. A good “spring cleaning”. I’m definitely going to have to just not think to hard about things. Just let them go. Thanks for your input!April 18, 2016 at 10:31 am #102137
That’s a great idea. We live together but we’re moving in June or July as he’s buying a house so I’m sure he’d be glad to help have less stuff to move to the new place! Thanks for the idea.April 18, 2016 at 10:13 am #102131
That’s my thought this time as well. And I’m pretty sure I can make that work for shampoo, soap, etc. But I also have a hard time paring down my clothing. I read about a process for turning all the hangers in the closet the “wrong way” and then when you wear something hang it up turned the “right way”. Then, at the end of a certain amount of time (6 months, etc) you throw out or donate everything you didn’t wear. I’m thinking that might work.