Caught him watching...

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This topic has 21 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by HippieChick.

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June 2, 2016 at 12:40 pm #106316

Stephanie B
Participant

Hey guys! Today I went on and talked with him, and he told me he won’t be waching anymore. I’ve moved in again to not bother my friend anymore, but he didn’t take our talk very seriously; he didn’t think that our fight was a reason for break up (he WAS serious about not waching it again part). After I’ve asked him why didn’t he came after me when I left, hesaid that he knew he was wrong, but that at the moment he didn’t care because O ha e shouted at him really badly. Sooo what do you think?

June 2, 2016 at 12:54 pm #106317

Anonymous
Guest

Dear smallpieceoflife:

You asked:”Sooo what do you think?” About what? Can you be specific?

anita

June 2, 2016 at 1:19 pm #106321

Nan
Participant

Do you really feel he means to stop? How many times did you catch him before? Do you have a trust level about this with him now? Or just “wishing” in your heart that he means it? Since returning, has your sex life improved, since he would be so glad to have you back? The last sentence about ” he knew he was wrong, but at the moment he didnt care, because you shouted at him really badly”. This is his excuse now? You yelled at him, so he didnt pursue you?

June 3, 2016 at 12:06 am #106344

Stephanie B
Participant

“How many times did you catch him before?” Maybe 3-4 times

“Do you have a trust level about this with him now?” Well not really, no.

“Since returning, has your sex life improved?” We did have sex, but I started it and not him, and it wasn’t like it was before. I’m thinking that is because of the unrealistic expectations due to too much porn. Maybe he needs to clear his head of it?

“Since he would be so glad to have you back?” As I’ve said, I don’t think he really got the picture I did; I was thinking of breakling up, whereas he told me that he knew it was just a fight we can work out. That is why I don’t think he was “glad to have me back”, because he didn’t really understood he could lose me.

“Do you really feel he means to stop?” Now, I think that this is the most important question. I really do mean he will try to stop, he seemed honest and like he knew he made a mistake, like he knew it was wrong. He said that he knows that this fight is 100% his fault and that he will try to stop. He has the will to stop, and it seems to me that this is really important; the first step to getting rid of an addiction is to WANT to get rid of it.

June 3, 2016 at 12:22 am #106345

Evan
Participant

Hi SmallPieceOfLife,

Tough spot! No doubting that. Summarising my own thoughts, and some comments above…….

You left for a reason….
Why leave? If watching porn is not ok, and he will not change, then you have followed your heart. Or have you? Is him deriving sexual gratification from others a negative? How do you feel about porn yourself? Did you leave out of anger, or a value within yourself?

Why watch porn…
You are in a relationship. If porn is a part of that, and you can both derive something out of it, then the porn in not harmful. If only one person enjoys the gratification, then that gratification is formed outside the relationship, and is not healthy.

Why Return…
No doubt walking away is extremely tough, and as you said, he is there for you when you need it. That sounds like a great friend! A partner must be true to himself, but also acknowledge your feelings. I would allow him to choose between the two, but if porn is part of who he is, and not a part of you, then put that energy and momentum of the relationship into building a friendship, and allow yourself to be true to who you are.

What do you want for yourself…
You are with yourself to the very end……. Relationships come and go. The only true relationship that requires your utmost attention is the one you are having with yourself. If that is not a healthy one, then you can not expect the external relationships to be healthy either.

I hope this helps 🙂

Best

Evan

June 5, 2016 at 1:16 pm #106573

Rose Tattoo
Participant

That sounds hard. I don’t think porn is the core issue – I think it’s the fact that he’s hiding from true intimacy with you. In his case it’s porn, but it could just as easily be booze, drugs, other women (that’s what my ex did), schoolwork (that’s what my current BF does), even going to the gym. There are lots of ways people can hide from showing up in their relationships. But I understand how him watching porn while not wanting to be physical with you could make you feel hurt and confused. If he wanted to be intimate with you and still wanted to watch porn, the porn could prove to be a stimulus that could actually help your sex life. But obviously that isn’t the case here.

Without demonizing or pathologizing his porn use, I’d suggest letting him know how hurt/confused you are about the fact that you two are not having he kind of sex life you’d like. Yelling at him about his porn use is likely to just make him want to run away from you (and go use porn). If you’re still wanting to be with him, possibly couples therapy might help, if he’s not made to feel like a sicko for using porn. There’s a reason he’s using porn and not having sex with you. I suspect it’s that he’s afraid on some level of real intimacy. But forcing him to stop something he finds pleasurable isn’t going to help your relationship. Making your relationship pleasurable/enjoyable for him (and also for you) is the key. Good luck!

June 7, 2016 at 12:04 pm #106671

HippieChick
Participant

I have to say I used to have a problem with my ex watching porn. What it came down to was an insecurity within myself. I am now in a relationship where we both occasionally watch/view porn (both together and separately). Porn is not the issue.

If a boyfriend told you that you were no longer allowed to watch “chick flicks” because they set unrealistic expectations for how men should behave in a relationship you’d be livid. And then, if your same boyfriend “caught you”, an adult woman, watching one and broke up with you because of it…I’m pretty sure you’d never speak to him again. It’s “normal” for women to watch those kinds of things, it’s “normal” for men (and women) to enjoy watching other people have sex. Unless he’s comparing you to the women in the porn, it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s taken me YEARS to learn this and accept it but it is.

It’s crazy to lose a good relationship over porn. But reading your post there was already more going on here. If you want to explore the problems in the relationship with him and he’s willing you can definitely do that, but I’d forget the porn.

Just my 2 cents.
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