Forum Replies Created
June 29, 2018 at 9:59 am #214711
I also agree that the book mentioned above is excellent for figuring what to do. dont wait too long. I also didn’t think that the reasons I had for not loving him anymore and wanting to leave due to emptiness and lack of love were enough. It seemed the offside comments, the feeling that I wasn’t up to his standards of cleanliness and lovemaking, and everything in between, felt bad and this was considered an emotional abuse. Not every abuse in a marriage is related to a black eye, or drinking away the paycheck. It is the small “drips on the stone” that wear you away until there is little left.
Please think seriously about this. It is too late for me. I thought long and hard for 4 years now ( married 38 years next month) and did nothing. I became paralyzed. Had only fear of the unknown and fear of no emotional support from friends, to slam the door behind me. I am now trapped, as I am losing my sight in one eye, and have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, that will make me a virtual prisoner and dependent on him. I had made all the plans, saved money, and still did nothing to leave. I am now trapped. Don’t wait too long, time marches on.February 16, 2018 at 11:52 am #192877
As a nurse, it is usual in most of the US. States that up to 20 weeks is considered for termination of pregnancy ( TOP).What is meant by ” too late” for termination? If she is over 20 weeks, TOP is usually not an option. So, she could be up to 5 months pregnant. Highly unlikely she “just” found out. She need to talk with the father. What will probably happen, is he will deny paternity, if she has a history of hopping around. It may take paternity tests to declare the father. The father that is being accused, could do the tests and be off the hook. Any possibility that others are potential fathers, from the time of her “one night stand”, to the time you started dating her? Are there others she approached with this same scenario? Looking to find someone to support her? How did you reconnect? Did she reach out to you , or you to her? Your story sounds so familiar, as I have seen several unsuspecting and naive men get taken for a ride. It ended up ugly for all involved, when the truth came out years later.December 21, 2017 at 1:30 pm #183213
I am nearly 65 years old and this man is my first husband, You are right about beliefs will change. Over a year ago, I posted with all the background of how this all startedand wont repeat it, but it can be quite an interesting read.. I am not the 19 y/o
(over 40 years ago) who married and then left him, because I was immature and had negative influence from an overbearing and outright liar of a mother. I have been married the 2nd time for 37 years now. I grew up and saw many things and experienced the good, bad and ugly. What is different is that I have now learned how what you think you know can change and can fail you sometimes. I have learned of the absolute vindictiveness and bitterness a person out for revenge can have, and actively create a prison of sorts for another, legally, emotionally and financially. What I have learned is that things aren’t easily solved and that whatever this will become, is what it will become.
I have experienced what a kind loving relationship should look like between two people who love and care for each other. I grew up and he grew up. But I remain where I am, as it is my choice for now. I have no pretend, what I have now is reality and realize life is of choices. After having experienced what unconditional and accepting loving relationship looks like from this man, I cant really just let it go, and stay where I am. Have hope that this will work out. Time will tell, or maybe one of us will pass on, before we could actually realize what could have been. My delusional thinking of how this would play out has not come to be. I have worked on gaining my faith back and know that I cant control anything but myself. So, my choice is to stay put. There is no further drama anymore, as only the two of us know of this situation and we choose to not let others know. Then there will be real drama. We arent addicted to drama, and prefer peace, but it wont be easy to get to the peaceful state. There could even be violence and we know that. My ” let it go” is to just continue to live until the time to change comes. Hopefully, before one of us dies or becomes senile….we arent as young as mostly those on this site, and we are biding our time in the most logical way we can come up. with at this time. The future unfolds, with us or without us……December 20, 2017 at 3:42 pm #183049
Update to the past posts:
I am more at peace having just stop trying to control what is uncontrollable. What has gotten better, is that with discussion and gentle persuasion, he has found his reality ( his sons are just mooching off of him, want everything to remain the same, and never to grow up, while living there and getting into middle age themselves). They have no relationships and just live in the house as simply as a teenager, with inconsistent low paying jobs. He knows now that he is being used. One good thing, is his eyes are now wide open and his guilt with them extremely reduced. He knows and sees what I have been gently pointing out for years now. They also serve as spies for Mom, so she can keep track of him.
Divorce doesn’t appear to ever be settled ever. He has even asked the court to consider the judge or a jury to make a settlement and the divorce final under court order. l. It has been 3 1/2 years and it can go on until someone dies. If the two parties cannot agree, there is no divorce. No court will intercede. So that is a fact and reality. He has no savings and no car that is his. The one care she is driving, though in both names. Everything got taken in the bankruptcy 4 years ago. It is now settled and paid off. The only asset is the shared house and she wont sell it, split it or agree to anything. So, that little fact is that it is apparent he will never get divorced. He is prepared and I am aware that he may never be single again. We have spoken of how to make wills and documents to take care of each other, if we do end up together eventually.
As for me, I am accepting of where I am, where he is, and am leaving my future in God’s hands. I continue to live my artificial life, and wait to see how this will all turn out. We do arrange to see each other every 3 months or so. It is all we have at this time. I have told him I will not lose everything I have, to go take care of another man, like I have for the last 20 years or more.
I cant shake that out of my head.
He works 7 days a week when not visiting with me, so I know he is a hard worker, at 65 years of age!. Unable to get any nest egg, as there is always something unexpected, such as Social Security payments held back, or car or house repairs. I see from the wife’s point, if she never settles, he is trapped like a caged animal – not able to leave the paid off house, continue to pay for upkeep. I see him as literally babysitting her house, since she lives with a friend and they both conspire to make sure he is miserable. She has told him to his face, he will die before she ever agrees to settle on any shared assets. And it is all shared assets. But since he lives there for “free” ( his own house he paid for over 40 years) , she doesnt agree to pay for any repairs.
When I am with him, we are so good, kind, loving and gentle with each other. He has had 3 years to show me his personality. and it is always the same and very sweet, even when I get cranky or impatient with his situation and tell him so. I desire to be with him, and will just “let it go” for now, as I can only control my own situation in this case. If I should leave and go to him, I stand to lose most of what I have acquired. Also, will be taking on a man with no nest egg. So my head wont allow my heart to lead, no matter how strongly I desire to be with him. I dont even feel guilty anymore. and almost ( but not quite) wish I was found out and let it all blow up! I have accepted the situation as it is, and look to the future, as that is the hope that keeps us going. We are both in a better place of acceptance and just continue to love each other the best we can, within our limitations. Maybe something will break open, but it is not something I am banking (hah) on. It is good to say things I could never say to a friend, so thank you for the space to pour my soul out to the world!December 20, 2017 at 3:03 pm #183047
You seem to feel very hard on yourself for the snooping. But with the mysterious phone calls and what you did find on the emails, it seems that the answers may be there. Maybe it is too painful to see. His getting so upset ( only when you mentioned what you saw on the emails) means he is hiding something?. He then blames you for his hiding, because you would be so upset. He seems to blame you for this and then conveniently is “done” with the relatioship?. Have you tried to determine who is calling, such as their name and what details they may have said about this, and you could search for the truth. What motivation do you think a woman would take the time to harass you with calls, if she had no relationship with him? What purpose would it serve if untrue?
For you to say that you are 100% responsible for your actions, yes, that is true. But to call yourself the “bad one”, hmm….a little too harsh on yourself. I applaud you bravely fighting back the re-occurring cancer and you are brave and strong! Listen to your gut, as it may be telling you something, that you dont want to face about him.
I see you want to tell him face to face you are sorry. Do you think he will forgive and forget? Or make this a convenient excuse to quit the relationship, and still come out looking good socially, as a person who didn’t abandon you in your time of stress and need for emotional support and love in this hard time you are facing?
Is the only accomplishment of going there Friday going to be to say you are sorry? What do you think will happen? What do you want to happen?
The old saying “Where there is smoke, there is fire” may apply here. Hoping he allows you to see him in person to settle your mind and guilt with this. You are a strong person and the universe wants you be strong and happy, for maybe there is something (someone) better around the corner….November 1, 2017 at 3:18 pm #176129
You say you give him 75% of your salary for living expenses. Since you have a separation now, are you still giving him money? Does he need your money to live? It doesn’t get better, truly a leopard doesnt change their spots, and unless he is truly caring for you in a respectful and loving way, it is my opinion he is using you. Where do you live during separation? Do you pay rent or expenses? Please listen to Anita…..I have witnessed the lure of being beneficiary and then it can be changed in a day, via online or form faxed over. You have no security. Is this how you wish to spend your last years? Disrespected, tired, weary?. What kind of life is that? Better to be peaceful than to be berated and used like this. I am 63 years old, so have been around awhile and seen the way women will tolerate anything, versus being alone. Have hope, I was 60 years old when a beautiful man came into my life. The universe heard my prayers and were mostly answered. While still working, you can start to create a secret fund that no one knows about. for your future. Because I guarantee, if he knows you have a little money elsewhere, he will force it to be given to him by emotionally abusing you, until you feel worthless and try to make peace by giving it to him.July 14, 2017 at 2:08 pm #158168
I do not go on Facebook anymore, as it makes me feel like the whole world of friends/family are having magnificent vacations, lovey-dovey absolutely cutesy relationships and the posting of their food on their table isn’t relevant to me. I also found that people from high school ( over 40 years ago) would reach out and want to be “friends”. They seemed to have forgotten how awful they were to me in school, so it kind of creeps me out. It seems to be such an superficial thing!
If someone moans about a bad time or similiar, bunches of “friends” say how wonderful the complainer is, and seems like it is all false accolades in my opinion. Birthdays are the worst- if you cant text, call or email me, dont fill the FB mailbox up with the mindless and 30 second focus of Happy birthday, etc… For an occasion I take the time to get a gift, get a card, mail it and then get a 30 second ” thanks for the gift! Fred loves it!” on FB? Sorry for the ranting, I feel absolutely more peaceful and focused without FB. I treasure the friends/family who make the call and I can hear their voice, or email me on my private email. Must just be an old fuddy-duddy these days!June 16, 2017 at 1:46 pm #153714
Yes, I do believe as couples grow and mature, they can grow apart, if they are not both on the same page. The expectations change and resentment grows. In their case, he, the small-town factory worker at the beginning, served her needs well. Once he was able to grow and promote himself in the manufacturing business he was in, and finally use the degree he had, it did not serve her needs. Animosity grew, even as he took her to Tahiti and every Caribbean island out there at least 3 x a year for years, to try and please her the way he only knew how. A disastrous financial bankruptcy in 2008 and she had him by the short hairs, as it were. He dumped every last dime he had, to save the house, the family ( both sons lost their jobs, and he took his savings to help them save their houses and cars), but it was never enough. So, finally after exhausting everything, he could only go thru bankruptcy, saved their house, and both single sons lost their houses and moved in over 8 years ago and havent left. She has left the home over 3 years ago, but continues to pull the strings at her leisure.
In my case, there was not so much of that drama, but I always made to feel belittled and inferior, even though it was my career and my working that saved us during my husband’s bankruptcy.. R-1 opened my eyes very gently to the reality of me being used and then no gratitude on this side either. Just jabs to put me in my place about my looks, my job, my parenting, etc. Just take and take, and keep me feeling “less than” and thinking whatever I did, wasnt enough.
2 peas in a pod….the best thing is that we both do not have small children that would be affected. We are both older, and our adult sons of us may not like us, but too bad, once we take flight from this. If we should ultimately not ever be able to get together (one of us dies or gets seriously sick), we have each other in our hearts, and know we were loved unconditionally and adored without question by each other.June 16, 2017 at 10:27 am #153680
We are all in our 60’s. Not too many chances for happiness left. I feel she just doesn’t want him to move on. She has him tied up, since his resources are all in the jointly owned paid off house. If she aint happy, he damn sure needs to be beaten by her and made to suffer. She hopes he will die from the aggravation and she will have won the battle and all the money is hers. She is a hometown girl, lived in same place for her whole life. Both R-1 and I grew up together in big city and looking forward to a new life with exciting travel, even if just to beaches local and exotic places, as we were both from Miami. She hates changes and likes life to continue and feel in control Seems to have a deep down unhappiness that was toxic and affected her sons and took it out over the years on R-1. Being as patient and calm as he is, he took some abuse that I dont think most men would,as far as insults, and being quite the unsatisfied person left home, while he traveled as an executive for a large company. She wanted him to stay home and work in the factory ( where he started) and not go further. Seems like she needed the control and unable to see the benefits of him going up through the ranks and fighting his way to the top. When invited numerous times to travel with him, she declined, said he was too big for his britches and she couldn’t leave the sons even though grandparents in the same town (teenagers- not toddlers at the time). She made sure that she told sons that their father doesn’t like them and doesn’t want to be home with them.
I asked about her upbringing from R-1, as I see that you really focus on childhood and how our personalities are formed, based on parental influence. He indicates she did not have a loving relationship with her father and mother, dry and not warm. Maybe has an inbred hatred towards men? R-1 married to her for 37 years….and thought nothing was better than what he had. When the meanness and toxic insults really beat him down, he reached out to me 3 years ago, on a whim, that he just wanted to know I was OK and happy in my life. He always carried a torch for me, all these years and wanted to know that he didn’t “ruin” my life from 40 years ago, since he was considered to “ruin” everyone around him in this relationship and was the whipping boy for any of their problems all these years. you know the long story…..
It appears that no one seems to be accountable for themselves in that family, and R-1 is a convenient whipping boy. So anxious to leave the situation, but all resources tied up in that house and settlement needs to happen. Found out he wasn’t officially divorced as per the paperwork he signed, as it appears that the divorce is not final til the finances done. She has him over a barrel and she knows it.
We speak daily and just converse and keep each other in our daily activities, so we can feel we have something good. I have offered assistance and am very relieved that he has refused, as he will not ask me to take care of him and his troubles. He does want to move on, take care of me in his enchanted and loving way, and cut all ties with this toxic situation and move on with me. You speak of patience – it has been 3 years. Maybe a judge may see through this game-playing, charge her with contempt of court and threaten jail time if she doesnt comply with the court-ordered agreement, as settled. She usually comes into court with 2-3 friends of hers, who then attack R-1 verbally in the hallway before and after the hearings. I only thought this hateful behavior was the stuff of novels, but it is real life. I am surrendering and letting go of my expectations, so that is why I feel I am in neutral and not going forward. Life lessons………..and I remain in my shallow life here, as waiting to see what happens.June 16, 2017 at 8:00 am #153646
No, the 4th time agreed upon settlement was to have him get the worth of half the house on 4/28/17. It did not happen. The bank and court notified him on 4/21/17 that the account was no longer active. ( An account that had been her 401K account for dozens of years). It appears to be stalling at it’s finest. So, 4 times he thought it was agreed and signed, and then she filed motions for another idea. In other words, she went back and forth from giving him half the worth and then owning it herself, then stopping that agreement and saying she wants the house sold ( would take months to sell, with commissions, etc) and then backing off of that at the end. She has gone back and forth, the final agreement was signed on Feb 8th, 2017, that he would get a sum from her 401K, he would move out and sign the house over to her with date of payment to the courts and then to him by 4/28/17. No money in the account she had promised to have the bank and court withdraw from, when attempted on 4/21/17. These are the games being played. He had asked for less than 50% of the value of the house, anxious to move on and out, but her vengeance and vindictiveness is stunning. AND she knows nothing of me, she just wants to bury him and wait him out. We have arranged to see each other once every three months or so, and we are getting older by the minute.March 7, 2017 at 4:14 pm #136683
If you are so defective in his eyes, why is he still with you? Have you asked him that? I took many years of this subtle comments of my looks, my weight, my cologne, etc, etc. It took a kind loving man to show me that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I agree with above Asterix- run, dont walk away. He will make you miserable and beaten down in no time. I know, it took me 35 years of this sh*t to finally wake up.February 19, 2017 at 2:00 pm #128351
On a side note, let us know how soon he moves in with the new girl, if it hasnt already happened. He complains that GF’s have had trust issues with him. Can they all be wrong?January 18, 2017 at 4:03 pm #125662
Dear esther08, Your situation scares me for the following reason: my friend is 63 years old (my age), She had similar relationship with her mother in her twenties and onward. We went to college together, and I can see how your relationship with your mother is very similar. That hostage feeling of: “she needs me, makes my life comfortable by taking care of of me and paying for things, so I don’t leave. When I speak of a possible life more independent, she becomes upset and tells me she will cut off any support “out there”.
This is exactly the discussions and thoughts we used to talk over, over the years and decades.
Here is the very sad continuation of this sort of life:
My friend’s mother is now 95 years old, senile and a very big problem to deal with. My friend never left home, and has been living with her her ENTIRE LIFE now. She feels she has burned her life away and now takes care of a woman who doesn’t even know her, fights with her in her frail way, and is a struggle to get her to take a bath or not poop on the floor. That is the life my friend has now. She also could not make “decisions” and it was easier to stay year after year. She has many regrets and realized paralysis kept her in” place”, because she wasn’t strong enough to think of any other way. If life is purposeless now, how will it feel years from now, if there is never a time to get up and get moving, no matter how frightening or guilt-ridden. You are young, dont let your own life get away from youJanuary 10, 2017 at 7:45 am #124996
Send her a video of the event? Can anyone video it on your behalf and send to her, or have someone in the family help her with viewing it?January 9, 2017 at 12:10 pm #124948
Please yourself first. Her ability to broadcast this on FB, shows a complete lack of respect for you two. Dont start your married life letting others boss you around. It will only get worse.