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Blindsided by breakup

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 33 total)
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  • #125421
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    This relationship belongs in your past, I believe. Use what you learned, that “you don’t really know someone until things get hard” in your future relationship/s. What a relief it is, is it not, to put this relationship in the past knowing you are avoiding lots of future misery?

    anita

    #125465
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all of your support. It is been a great help to me during this time. Due to social media and the fact that we share a mutual friend, I have discovered that yes he is now dating this woman. It’s a pretty awful slap in the face especially since I gave him such a great life, friends, and my family.

    #125487
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    You are welcome.

    He was dishonest and manipulative about the breakup- it was not about you looking into his phone, it was about that “infidelity in progress” that the texting history revealed.

    Unfortunately, for his new girlfriend, she is now the recipient of that dishonesty, too bad for her.

    See to it that your future boyfriend and partner in life is an honest man, as honest as you are.

    anita

    #125625
    janice
    Participant

    But I would say that you should forgive them.

    #125626
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Magnolialuloo,

    Not trying to make you feel bad or guilty in some way but asking you to explain the situation a bit better.

    What exactly was wrong with him messaging a girl happy new year at midnight? Was the content of photos and videos shared personal?

    Do you reckon it’s possible that after she told him she likes him, he may have spoken to her in person and made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with her? If indeed he wanted a relation with her, wouldn’t the content of his messages swing to inappropriate?

    It is possible that we may be friends with someone who likes us and choose not to act on the interest because we want to stay faithful to our partner. Which is what i suspect he did at that point – felt conflicted about being attracted to another person and then resolved not to act on it because he is with you.

    Yes he may have liked her but perhaps he spoke more in anger to you about this. That you didn’t trust him enough to not see his personal messages. This is a sore point for many people – how would you feel if your significant other doesnt trust you?

    Where he went wrong is not telling you that this girl has expressed interest. That was lack of transparency on his part but I don’t think it’s being a cheater. He hasn’t communicated properly and seems to have acted coldly based on some kind of past issues/triggers. Perhaps indeed something else was going on which he didn’t tell you properly. I don’t mean the office girl, I mean the past also.

    Now he appears to be dating her. Clearly as he have split up, he has acted on his interest. Or this girl cleverly nabbed him at his weakest.
    Whatever the case, things haven’t gone the right way.

    In this situation, I feel both of us have made your set of mistakes in handling the situation. Communication and trust seemed to be lacking. I apologise if I have come across as insensitive in any way.

    Regards
    Nina

    #128095
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I have used the past month or so to do some healing. I have had no contact with the man I was dumped by. I am proud of myself that I have been so strong. We share mutual friends and I heard that he has been talking about me. He told my friend that he misses me and apparently is an emotional mess. Is it silly for me to think about reaching out to him? If he wanted me, wouldnt he contact me first? Is he just manipulative and is telling my friends what they want to hear? Did things not work out with the other girl? He has remained adamant that this is still about me reading his text messages. Any advice would help.

    #128133
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsay Harrington:

    You are proud of yourself for being strong enough to not contact him for a month. Why take away this self appreciation that you earned?

    In my last post to you Jan 16, I wrote: “He was dishonest and manipulative” and so, when you asked above: “Is he just manipulative..?” I think, probably.

    You wrote that apparently he is an emotional mess- apparently to whom? If he was an emotional mess, wouldn’t he reach out to you?

    If you assume HE is an emotional mess, and you contact him, YOU will be an emotional mess.

    anita

    #128231
    John
    Participant

    Was just reading through this forum to put my own recent breakup in perspective and I felt compelled to reply to this.

    I know it must must be unimaginably painful to see him dating the new girl, but the way I see it is that fact completely proves he is full of shit.

    For one, it proves that you were right to go through his phone. Maybe if he was completely innocent and he caught you going through his phone he would have right to be mad. But YOU caught him, the fact that he dated her is the ultimate proof that you caught him in a wrongdoing so the way I see it, it doesn’t matter what you did to get that information, it is good that you got it so you can see what kind of person he is before you are even more invested in this relationship.

    Finally, it proves he was lying about not taking enough time between girlfriends too. If that was the case, wouldn’t he need this opportunity to take the time that she claims he should have taken before dating you? Not only is he not doing that but jumping into an another relationship right after yours too!

    I think all this crap about losing trust in you is just a way to deal with his own guilt being discovered. Either that, or he is just a philandering asshole and he wants to have a girlfriend who will never be suspicious of his infidelities.

    I second what Anita has said. I am proud of you for having the strength to avoid him and I would suggest that you keep up the good work in the future! HE is the one not to be trusted and you are much better off without him in the long run.

    If it is hard to see that now, I can assure you that you WILL see it in time. This is coming from a person who a few months ago was on the verge of suicide and couldn’t imagine life without his fiancee. I don’t expect you to be happy right now about the fact you dodged a bullet. I wasn’t. You still need to mourn for the person you thought he was and the future you thought you had together. Seeing the reality of the situation does little to ease that pain but I know if you stay strong now you WILL be glad in time 🙂

    #128315
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I know in my heart that I should not contact him. I feel like I’m just
    Stuck in the past and remembering the good times instead of focusing on the fact that this man left me. He obviously didn’t want to fight for me and I deserve a man who will.

    #128351
    Nan
    Participant

    On a side note, let us know how soon he moves in with the new girl, if it hasnt already happened. He complains that GF’s have had trust issues with him. Can they all be wrong?

    #128417
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    I think my problems with this break up stem from the fact that I was so sure that he was the one. I had never dated anyone that I had so much in common with and felt so comfortable around. Even my friends and family said that they had never seen me so comfortable and happy. I think it’s difficult for me to look into the future and think about finding someone with that level of compatibility. I guess my hope is to find the compatibility again but also find someone who is mature enough to take blame for their wrongdoing.

    #128437
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsay Harrington:

    We may feel comfortable around a person because he reminds us, in some superficial way of someone who was kind to us in childhood, someone with whom we felt comfortable. It could be the looks of the person, the way they smile, the way they talk… that is all it takes. The comfortable feeling you had did not mean he was the-one.

    Your last line: “My hope is to… find someone who is mature enough to take blame for their wrongdoing” – lots of people never mature that way. They age and die, still taking no responsibility for their wrongdoing.

    When you meet a new man in your life, pay attention as soon as possible: is he taking responsibility for his actions? Is he kind to you day in and day out, continuously? If yes to both- I hope you feel very comfortable with him.

    anita

    #131689
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    Well,

    He contacted me. He said he broke it off with the other girl because he missed me so much. He admitted it had nothing to do with the phone and that it was all his fault. Now what?

    #131693
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsay Harrington:

    I read through all your posts on this thread. Up until Feb 16, he maintained that the breakup was all your fault because you looked into his phone. And now he says it was not the reason, correct? “He admitted it had nothing to do with the phone”-

    What an extreme departure from a claim he held so strongly, an accusation he insisted upon- and which you took to heart and felt guilty for.

    He is not an honest person. He told you what suited it then and he is telling you now what suits him now. He wants you back and he believes telling you it is NOT the phone and that it is his fault, that it will get you to be back with him.

    “Blindsided by the breakup” is the title of your thread. Do not be blindsided by his effort to get you back. If you take him back, and marry him (if it comes to that), you will be choosing a life of blindsided-ness.

    You have eyes to see. Don’t give up on seeing reality as it is (not as he claims it to be at any time).

    anita

    #131701
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    Thank you anita,

    I knew this day was going to come and I am happy that I am strong enough to tell him that ship has sailed. I will never be able to trust his word. I decided to dig for the truth from him. He supposed fling with the other girl was not a fling at all. In fact, he introduced her to his whole family. This makes me believe that he did not end it with her, she did. And now he is crawling back to me. In truth, I will never know because he is NOT an honest person. I will never know his motives, and I will also never know what would happen in the future when another woman entered his life.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 33 total)

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