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Blindsided by breakup

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  • #125205
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    u/magnolialuloo9h
    I asked my boyfriend to move in with me on Christmas (he had been asking if I wanted him to for a few weeks). I should mention too that the week before he told me that he was thinking about the possibility of marriage with me.

    The week after Christmas there was a weirdness between the two of us. He then told me that he was going to get his haircut by a girl at work and this made me suspicious but i trusted him.

    On NYE I brought up how were were going to split bills and if how he was feeling about the move. He was very disconnected and moody about it. Later that night I asked to use his phone to look something up (I know his password and we have an open phone policy). I saw a text message from the girl at work and opened it. He said happy new year to her a midnight. I was hurt and shocked so I decided to keep reading. The texts on his end were not inappropriate but she confessed how much she likes him in the text chain and he never did anything to stop her. And he was going to get his haircut by her that following week. He also sent her the same photos and videos that he sent me over the past few weeks. (Should i mention she is the new girl in the office?)

    I confronted him about it in the morning and he told me that he can never trust me again because i looked through his phone. He looked me dead in the eyes and told me yes, he does like the girl who is cutting his hair but he never planned on leaving me for her or cheating because he loves me.

    We tried to work it out and move past it but he dumped me this week saying he feels not trusted and it will always eat at him. He said he feels messed up right now and needs time to figure out what is going on in his head. He also said that he thinks that things moved too fast and he should of had more time in between his last GF and me.

    What I am having the most trouble with is guilt. He has told me that this is all about me going thru the phone. I KNOW IT IS WRONG TO GO THRU SOMEONES PHONE. But I just do not feel like the punishment fits the crime with this one. We were flying so high, no fights, nothing wrong at all. I cannot seem to wrap my head around this one. My girlfriends are telling me that it is the other girl but I cannot believe it. He assured me that is is not.

    He is coming over on monday to talk. I feel like my expectations for the discussion are way too high. He said he will listen to me and hear what i have to say but that he cannot give me any promises or any hope that things will change. We were so deeply in love that i cannot imagine a cell phone being the end of our relationship.

    He has told me he has trust issues and that in the past his GFs have done the same thing to him and that it always ends up with the same outcome. I will keep snooping and that he will never be able to feel trusted again. I know that I am not that kind of person and he said it doesnt matter… i did it and i cannot take it back…. HELP

    #125212
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    His focus on your “sin” of looking into his phone serves him well in sidetracking you from the real issue which is his infidelity-in-progress with the new girl in the office. It gives him power-over-you as you wallow in unjustified guilt begging him for forgiveness.

    You wrote yourself that there was weirdness before the NYE and that he himself said he moved too fast with you following his ex girlfriend.

    Better not give him the power he now has over you. It is not fair to you and will not serve you well.

    anita

    #125232
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    It’s the next day now. I am still overwhelmed with guilt about the whole situation and beating myself up about it. Maybe I’m too naïve to believe that there are people in the world that will tell you that you mean the world and the then the next week pick up and leave

    #125269
    Sara
    Participant

    I think Anita’s advice is well-worth listening to. He’s putting a lot of energy into what looks to be a huge smokescreen. You are describing your actions with great remorse. That’s normal when you make an honest mistake and inadvertantly hurt somebody you love. Slamming somebody with platitudes about how they can no longer trust you… right or wrong… that’s an odd way to treat a loved one.

    When I get emotionally overwhelmed and struggle to make sense of things, I like to re-imagine the event… only I switch roles. I would pretend you are him and he is you and run the scenario again. Do the events make sense in this version? Does something jump out like a red flag or a clear bell of truth?

    Not everybody values clarity and truth to the same degree. Do not destroy your heart by pairing yourself with somebody who does not share your same definition of the things that are important to you.

    #125283
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Why does this remind me of the “hacking” scandal with the US political parties this year? Exact same tactic: attack the supposed source as opposed to dealing with the content of the material. In all likelihood, there is truth to your suspicions, and here is the reason I say that: when you can’t address the material, you look for supposed faults in how it was obtained, or similar. It’s a classic “magician” trick to get the audience to take its collective focus elsewhere. It’s a classic trick in trials to try to get the jury to focus on unimportant things and to miss the damning material. Be especially cautious if you ask him about wiping his phone, and he responds with “like with a soft cloth.”

    #125306
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    The feelings of guilt are so strong. I feel completely responsible for ruining my relationship. I feel like I hurt someone that I love and it’s tearing me apart.

    #125310
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    Three people replied to you on this thread, I am one of the three respondents and this is the second time I am replying. On your two posts following my reply and other replies, you did not mention any of the respondents, neither did you attend to any part of the responses to your share. Nothing.

    This is making me wonder if you are able to correspond with others; if in the relationship you are sharing about, if you ignored him like you ignored me and the two other respondents here on your thread…?

    anita

    #125313
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    It was not my intent to ignore you. I think I just don’t know the nuances of this site just yet. I am brand new. I truly appreciate your kind words.

    #125314
    anita
    Participant

    Der magnolialuloo:

    The nuances of this site allow for you to read the responses to your sharing and evaluate if there is something to consider in these responses. You are welcome to do that!

    anita

    #125315
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    I have read what you said over and over just to try to make sense of things. No matter how many friends, family members, and strangers on the internet tell me that this is not my fault, I keep the blame on myself. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on the “what could have been” if I didn’t look in the phone and had communicated my suspicions to him directly.

    #125328
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    It is possible that you have a deep belief that you are guilty, from a long time ago, long before this past relationship. Maybe when you were a child a parent blamed you for things you were not guilty for, but you believed the parent. And from then on, whenever someone blames you, you automatically feel guilty, you automatically believe you are guilty and it is all your fault.

    Problem is sometimes it is not your fault, or not ALL your fault.

    Am I correct in what I wrote on the first paragraph here?

    anita

    #125345
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    To be honest with you the words that you wrote in the first paragraph have been the ones that have been able to get me through this situation. Particularly the line about him Side tracking me and putting all the blame on me. I think the bottom line is is that I caught him and instead of taking the blame he’s running away. In the long run he wouldn’t of been a good partner anyway because true maturity is when you can take responsibility for your own actions.

    #125354
    anita
    Participant

    Dear magnolialuloo:

    I agree: “true maturity is when you can take responsibility for your own actions.”

    He did wrong, you found out, and he responded by blaming you for finding out. It is a common tactic. It almost work for him: he is guilty yet YOU feel guilty; he did wrong, yet YOU apologize! He did wrong yet you beg him to forgive you- this is absurd.

    Sometimes we get confused by our feelings. In this case, you FEEL guilty (or did in the past) but you are not guilty. Don’t let him manipulate you.

    anita

    #125396
    Lindsay Harrington
    Participant

    He came and got his things while I was away over the weekend. Didn’t leave a note didn’t say anything just took his stuff and left. I think with this really teaches me is that you don’t really know someone until things get hard. Up until this moment we had never had a fight or disagreement.

    #125399
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    As hard as this is, see this as a lucky escape!
    That you didn’t get him to move in with you etc, he put the ball in motion, not you.

    The first thing about forgiving someone is when they can agree and acknowledge too what they have done wrong, and make amends by saying sorry, explaining the situation and generally opening up etc.. if they cannot do this, they do not deserve to be a part of your life, unless this is something you don’t mind putting up with of course!

    Agree with everything everyone else has said on here though, keep your head strong, there are lots of articles on here for grieving, understanding where and why you are where you are etc 🙂

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33 total)

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