November 10, 2017 at 12:39 pm #177613
I have spent most of my life being naive’ and feeling that everything and everyone was good. I chose numerous times to choose to believe in the good of someone, ignore the selfishness of others and continue to give my heart and soul to make others happy and I could feel important and indispensable. This would make me believe that people “needed” me and I was happy to oblige.
I was giddy with delight and happiness when I thought I had found a true relationship that I could trust and received constant love and words of encouragement and positivism. Deep disappointment for both of us came over and over, but I chose to see it as circumstances beyond our control and somehow the universe would make it all come out to our favor. Looking at things and interpreting them as positive signs from above of how we should be together and it will all work out. It has been a long time, and the roadblocks for us have been too numerous to count. I have lost faith now for more than 3 months, and feel less hopeful than ever before. Even the simplest of hopes, dreams and plans doesnt come easy, and then doesnt ever work out over and over. My feelings of disappointment and actually thinking things would work out, make me judge myself these days as woefully delusional and stupid.
I feel I should give up, but the thought of not being with this person breaks my soul. So, I continue to mildly think that it might work out, but have a much stronger feeling and voice that says ” Maybe the message was not of agreement from your universe, but you chose to only see it one way. Now see it bluntly for what it is.” This person continues to also be disappointed but always bounces back and thinks things will work out. I keep quiet on my sadness and think he “doesnt get it” that maybe these life lessons will always knock the wind out of us, until we finally give up on the dream and desire.
I am hoping that this deep veil of lack of faith will soon lift. Another year goes by, and we are still in the EXACT same situation, that is all I can think of.November 11, 2017 at 5:26 am #177651
Welcome back, although I wish you were back feeling much better, or at peace.
You mentioned having been delusional regarding this relationship (R-1, from previous threads) and at the same time, you wrote ” So, I continue to mildly think that it might work out”- meaning, you are currently … mildly delusional?
Let’s look at Reality, then. No one can predict much of what is in the future. He may get divorced and he may not. You can check the public records at his State and see for yourself how long have the longest divorces lasted, how long is the average divorce in similar circumstances to his? This will be Reality.
And so, it is possible that he gets a divorce, at one time, and then, it is possible that the two of you will be living together. If you do, when you do, this is what can be predicted:
* His strained or difficult relationships with his adult sons will continue to be difficult and you will be hearing about it, witnessing it and somehow involved in these.
* If his base mood is depressed, it will continue to be his mood much of the time. It may be that when he talks to you on the phone he is in a better mood, but when he lives with you, he is not going to be in that better mood all the time because you are there. Remember when you met and he cut the time together with you short, because he was troubled regarding his sons?
* His finances, his relationship with money, whatever it is now, it is likely to continue.
* You are likely to continue to feel guilty as you have so far. And afraid.
anitaDecember 20, 2017 at 3:42 pm #183049
Update to the past posts:
I am more at peace having just stop trying to control what is uncontrollable. What has gotten better, is that with discussion and gentle persuasion, he has found his reality ( his sons are just mooching off of him, want everything to remain the same, and never to grow up, while living there and getting into middle age themselves). They have no relationships and just live in the house as simply as a teenager, with inconsistent low paying jobs. He knows now that he is being used. One good thing, is his eyes are now wide open and his guilt with them extremely reduced. He knows and sees what I have been gently pointing out for years now. They also serve as spies for Mom, so she can keep track of him.
Divorce doesn’t appear to ever be settled ever. He has even asked the court to consider the judge or a jury to make a settlement and the divorce final under court order. l. It has been 3 1/2 years and it can go on until someone dies. If the two parties cannot agree, there is no divorce. No court will intercede. So that is a fact and reality. He has no savings and no car that is his. The one care she is driving, though in both names. Everything got taken in the bankruptcy 4 years ago. It is now settled and paid off. The only asset is the shared house and she wont sell it, split it or agree to anything. So, that little fact is that it is apparent he will never get divorced. He is prepared and I am aware that he may never be single again. We have spoken of how to make wills and documents to take care of each other, if we do end up together eventually.
As for me, I am accepting of where I am, where he is, and am leaving my future in God’s hands. I continue to live my artificial life, and wait to see how this will all turn out. We do arrange to see each other every 3 months or so. It is all we have at this time. I have told him I will not lose everything I have, to go take care of another man, like I have for the last 20 years or more.
I cant shake that out of my head.
He works 7 days a week when not visiting with me, so I know he is a hard worker, at 65 years of age!. Unable to get any nest egg, as there is always something unexpected, such as Social Security payments held back, or car or house repairs. I see from the wife’s point, if she never settles, he is trapped like a caged animal – not able to leave the paid off house, continue to pay for upkeep. I see him as literally babysitting her house, since she lives with a friend and they both conspire to make sure he is miserable. She has told him to his face, he will die before she ever agrees to settle on any shared assets. And it is all shared assets. But since he lives there for “free” ( his own house he paid for over 40 years) , she doesnt agree to pay for any repairs.
When I am with him, we are so good, kind, loving and gentle with each other. He has had 3 years to show me his personality. and it is always the same and very sweet, even when I get cranky or impatient with his situation and tell him so. I desire to be with him, and will just “let it go” for now, as I can only control my own situation in this case. If I should leave and go to him, I stand to lose most of what I have acquired. Also, will be taking on a man with no nest egg. So my head wont allow my heart to lead, no matter how strongly I desire to be with him. I dont even feel guilty anymore. and almost ( but not quite) wish I was found out and let it all blow up! I have accepted the situation as it is, and look to the future, as that is the hope that keeps us going. We are both in a better place of acceptance and just continue to love each other the best we can, within our limitations. Maybe something will break open, but it is not something I am banking (hah) on. It is good to say things I could never say to a friend, so thank you for the space to pour my soul out to the world!December 21, 2017 at 4:39 am #183109
You are living with your husband, living your “artificial life” with a man you do not love, while in a long-distance relationship with a man you do love, physically getting together with the latter every three months or so.
Antonyms to the word artificial: genuine, authentic, sincere, honest, truthful, straightforward, direct, frank, candid, open, natural, unaffected, kosher.
The man you love is not your only chance to be living a genuine, sincere, truthful life, if such a life was to be your aim.
December 21, 2017 at 8:30 am #183165PeterParticipant
- This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by anita.
I thought I had found a true relationship that I could trust and received constant love and words of encouragement and positivism
What makes that a definition of a ‘true relationship’? The naivety may no be so much ‘seeking out to see only the good in others’ but in your expectation of relationship and love.
Sorry I don’t mean to be harsh just that… this problem seems to be in almost every relationship post on this site… and I can’t help but wonder if those stuck this way don’t enjoy not enjoying the drama they create and feeling bad about it. Eventually you would think that we would get to get to a point where we wake up to what isn’t’ working and stop doing it. Yes it hurts, but so does the drama we stay stuck in.
The universe is talking but we don’t like what it has to say, or what the ‘signs’ point to, so we lose faith. ????
Faith is never lost it is revealed. Faith is not the same as belief. Beliefs can and will change, should change as we learn better. What one lean’s on in times of doubt and uncertainty is faith revealed. (Sadly, the faith we actually lean on remains unconscious. We would rather pretend and hold onto the shifting sands that are belief/words.)
Let it go and be happy.December 21, 2017 at 1:30 pm #183213
I am nearly 65 years old and this man is my first husband, You are right about beliefs will change. Over a year ago, I posted with all the background of how this all startedand wont repeat it, but it can be quite an interesting read.. I am not the 19 y/o
(over 40 years ago) who married and then left him, because I was immature and had negative influence from an overbearing and outright liar of a mother. I have been married the 2nd time for 37 years now. I grew up and saw many things and experienced the good, bad and ugly. What is different is that I have now learned how what you think you know can change and can fail you sometimes. I have learned of the absolute vindictiveness and bitterness a person out for revenge can have, and actively create a prison of sorts for another, legally, emotionally and financially. What I have learned is that things aren’t easily solved and that whatever this will become, is what it will become.
I have experienced what a kind loving relationship should look like between two people who love and care for each other. I grew up and he grew up. But I remain where I am, as it is my choice for now. I have no pretend, what I have now is reality and realize life is of choices. After having experienced what unconditional and accepting loving relationship looks like from this man, I cant really just let it go, and stay where I am. Have hope that this will work out. Time will tell, or maybe one of us will pass on, before we could actually realize what could have been. My delusional thinking of how this would play out has not come to be. I have worked on gaining my faith back and know that I cant control anything but myself. So, my choice is to stay put. There is no further drama anymore, as only the two of us know of this situation and we choose to not let others know. Then there will be real drama. We arent addicted to drama, and prefer peace, but it wont be easy to get to the peaceful state. There could even be violence and we know that. My ” let it go” is to just continue to live until the time to change comes. Hopefully, before one of us dies or becomes senile….we arent as young as mostly those on this site, and we are biding our time in the most logical way we can come up. with at this time. The future unfolds, with us or without us……December 21, 2017 at 2:43 pm #183227PeterParticipant
Thanks for sharing more of the story and I apologize for being harsh – Sometimes when I go through the relationship posts I come away wondering why we make life so difficult for ourselves.
If I read your post correctly your trapped in a relationship that you are unable to get out of and are, in this moment of time anyway, accepting that that is how it must be?
However, its this acceptance that is behind the ‘loss of faith’ in…. yourself, relationship, love, universes ‘love’, others??? Which begs the question is this acceptance or reluctant giving up to the fate’s?
You’re in a difficult position stuck in the present imagining a future that cannot be… “the most painful state of being is remembering a future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” – Kierkegaard – The only way I know of to move forward from where you are is from where you are, dealing with the immediate issues of your current relationship where you are, one step at a time. It’s the projection into the imagined future and desiring everything change all at once, that is behind much of your distress and ‘loss of faith’. (You haven’t lost your faith or your hope though. )
Change happens slowly then all at once.November 16, 2021 at 11:08 am #388703
How are you Nan? It’s been so long..
anitaNovember 18, 2021 at 11:07 am #388732annaParticipant
I am glad to read your story here. Hope you will be okay now.