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    Hi Nycartist

    I  relate with your struggle to find better ways to communicate especially in these charged times.  I to often retreat to silence but then feel as I’m not be honest. Its a work in progress.

    I am impressed that when  your post was flagged (I think due to a misunderstanding) it didn’t silence you!

    Today’s Blog post was interesting: How to know if you should speak your mind



    Hi Anoob

    Your correct, managing does not mean control, though managing can become an tool of control. And your right the practice of healthy detachment (boundaries)  can be difficult to develop let alone put into practice in the moment. But that’s why its a practice.

    Your on the right track wanting to find a better way to respond to your emotions rather then react to them. Be kind to yourself as you work towards that goal. As you learn better do better. What more can we ask of ourselves or others.

    I wish you well


    Hi Anoob

    The article you mentioned suggests that accepting ones emotions and anxieties is a first step in “managing” them. I place quotes around the word manage because its not quite what we do as manage might suggest control which suggests ego…

    The intention I think is to feel what you feel and notice what may have triggered those feelings of anxiety. Check for F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real). Check for control. Is the anxiety triggered by something within your ability to change? is it a desire to force life into matching your expectations of how it “should be”?

    Accepting and “managing” ones anxieties and emotions require flow. The ability to allow life to flow. Attempting to Control or wish that life be otherwise is a saying “No”. and Nothing blocks flow like a No.

    The practice of detachment can help here. This is the practice where you notice your feelings and anxieties without attaching your sense of self to them are labeling them as being good or bad. Its important to remind yourself that Detachment is not Indifference. What you feel and experience matters, you matter, and your true self cannot be defined or boxed in by a experience,  emotion or label. You have experiences and emotions, You are not a experience or emotion.

    On a practical side. Like you the idea of talking in front of people, given a speech or some such terrified me. In my case its mostly F.E.A.R  and being afraid of appearing stupid and incapable which points to an attachment to ego. I joined a Toastmasters session and learned that if I was prepared I could do manage and even enjoy it. Thus I would add a step to “managing” our anxieties as  finding a safe place to practice. I would also recommend taking a ballroom dance class as a place to practice.

    All the best




    Hi C Eagle

    Tinny Buddha is not a political forum. The majority of the articles are about looking inward for self improvement while the majority of threads are about seeking help for relationships troubles. Other concerns tend to be around existential angst of meaning and purpose. If your looking for political engagement  this is probably the wrong site.

    The treads that may appear to be political tend to be more about the difficulty with communication in a calm and helpful manner with those that disagree with you. Being authentic to ones experiences and values, finding ones voice with healthy boundaries without demonizing opponents. No easy task. Its clear that your post was not meant to demonize yet read from a different perspective could be experienced as a such.

    In one such threads I made a comment were I explored the idea of ‘taking offense’ and preferring the stoic response which someone tagged as inappropriate. I didn’t take offence, my first attempt was badly done and did stray into the political which I regretted.  These thing are difficult to talk about.  I like to think I can uses these experiences to learn from.

    I agree their is a deep seated fear among many in the world today.  This site attempts to help people navigate the fears they may be experiencing by first looking inward and doing so being better able to respond vice react to our fears (which more often then not is false evidence appearing real.) The goal is not to demonize but compassion for ourselves and others. Of course we don’t always live up to our best selves.

    I wish you well Eagle

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Peter.

    My question now is when is the truth a lie,  how far do you have to go in protecting you identity on a public forum before your truth becomes a lie. What’s are acceptable identity protecting tactics and at what stage do these tactics distort the truth to the extent that your truth becomes a lie ?

    Engagement in social media requires a certain amount of discernment.  In someways it can be used as a tool to revival ones true self just or as a tool to conceal it. The question as to what is a truth or lie about oneself can only be answer by the self asking it.

    Protecting identity though tactics might suggest the involvement of ego. As most social media dialog is with people we do not know a other questions we might ask ourselves: what is identity, what am I protecting and why do I feel the need to protect it in the ways that I do?

    From a different perspective,as we often don’t know the persons we are talking to, dialog on any social media site can be viewed as dialog with oneself. A great tool to discovering things about oneself, clarifying thoughts and such. But a difficult tool engagement with others honestly and with compassion. Of course that also reveals something about ourselves.

    We must put our confidence in truth. But that doesn’t mean sitting back, and waiting for the truth to shine from above, as one might sit back and wait for the day to break. It means following with devoted obedience the truth we have seen as true, with an entire confidence that life will correct, clear and redirect our vision, to the perception of a freer and deeper truth.

    Go with the truth you have, and let it carry you into collision with the hard rocks of life, and then you’ll learn something.

    Of course Learning requires a openness  to being wrong, capable of being brutally honest with one self, no easy task in my experience.


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    Sorry I didn’t indent to submit the above.

    These are such crazy times

    The Stoic philosophers taught that if you choose not to be offended by others’ actions, you will not be. An offense is up to your interpretation. Instead, treat others with kindness and assert your autonomy.”

    The stoics were saying that to be offended requires participation. Thus the one offended ought to ask themselves why they are feeling offended. Any answer requires a good deal of self knowledge.  Being offended because you disagree with someone is not a good reason to be offended and likely not the real reason.  Taking offence tends to be personal. I feel offended because what someone said or did was experienced as a attack on my sense of self, identify, ego….

    In a better climate when someone is offended because of something you wrote a response saying that you are sorry that they feel offended as that was not your intent might be enough to smooth things over and you might even be able to ask them to explain what part of what you said offended them.  If its a disagreement you could have a dialog about that. If they felt what you said was a attack on their sense of self you could review your statements to see if your wording could have been interpreted that way and correct any unintentional misunderstandings,  however their isn’t much more you can do about that. In this case it is a opportunity of the offended to take a inward look at themselves to determine what they are attaching their sense of self with and if that truly represents them. If they can do that they would be better able to enter back into dialog.

    These are difficult times for dialog. Everyone is offended it seems all the time. Its hard. When my family and friends defend, support and give their loyalty and support to a Man who’s character I don’t think deserve such loyalty its hard not to feel and look at them differently. I’d like to say I could do so with compassion while still standing up for what I think and value. I like to think I try but if I’m honest I tend towards being silenced. I suspect what is happening to our society is not about politics.

    We tend to create what we fear when we are blind to our shadows and it takes work to shine the light on ourselves let along for others to see. I am at a loss



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    Hi nycartist

    I suspect many find themselves in a similar situations.

    As a archetype the “liberal” is expected to be kind and listen to all sides and be kind when responding while the “conservative” gets to tell it as it is.  When a conservative offends that’s the offended problem when the liberal offends its their problem. That is of course a very general statement yet I suspect many may be offended by it.

    For reasons I don’t fully understand we live at a time where the tenancy is to be ‘offended’ when we disagree.  To “take offence”.  “The Stoic philosophers taught that if you choose not to be offended by others’ actions, you will not be. An offense is up to your interpretation. Instead, treat others with kindness and assert your autonomy.” In other words to be offended one chooses to be offended.

    I am not saying that your friends are doing this however a tactic (often unconsciously) to quite someone is to take on the role of being offended and victim.  It is also possible that your friends are offended because their is a part of themselves they don’t want to look at. Assuming someone isn’t intentionally trying to be offensive choosing to be offended is a great excuses to avoid checking in with whether ones values, actions and words are inline with who we think we are and stand for.

    Just like your friends you have the right to express yourself especially if  you feel being silent is not being authentic to your self.  It is unlikely you will find a safe place to do so in these charged times. I hope you keep trying.




    “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

    The law of attraction has roots in Alchemy which as part of its goal is the Alchemy Marriage .  Union of of opposites, the masculine and feminine, feeling and thinking, doing and being. That what we say and what we believe matching our actions.

    The Alchemy riddle. As above so below, so below as a above. We are both influenced and in participation with Life.  The law of attraction occurs, I think, in the participation. Whit the law of attraction we work to become the change we hope to see/attract.

    Easier said then done as the task requires being fully conscious of our true selves. Unresolved Repression, Projection, Shadow, Complexes and the problem of opposites need to be addressed or the likelihood is that we work against ourselves and at some level attract what remains unconscious.



    Its a sad reality but sometimes Love requires a relationship to end especially if continuing the relationship is leading to a distortion.

    From the way you are able to express yourself I suspect you will come through this stronger and with healthy boundaries that will enable you to find a relationship and love that is waiting for you.


    Hi Katie

    Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Or can anyone perhaps offer some insight into his thought process? I really have no idea how to proceed with this.

    I spent some time in the military and observed similar situations quite a bit. It was mostly a man thing though I’ve seen woman abuse or confuse love in this way as well.

    Based on my observations the probably of such situations ending out happy ever after are rare. The worst cases going on for years.

    For practical advice on your relationships Anita will help you through. My thoughts would be more general on the notion of relationship and love. Many people use those words without really knowing/owning what they want or expect from a experience of love and relationship. As such relationships become a crucible in which we have the opportunity to discover ourselves, examine our fears and perhaps why we hold on what we hold on to.

    Tied up into the experience of Love will be experiences of meaning, purpose, accountability, responsibility – being seen. Reading through just a few threads on this site and you will realized how desperately we might cling to the experiences of meaning and purpose while avoiding how the notions of accountability, responsibility, commitment, discipline play in those experiences.  If you didn’t get to be responsible  or accountable for your actions, words, who you are meaning and purpose could not be experience which would most certainly impact our experience of love.

    Questions you might ask yourself.

    Does your Ex see you? Do you see him? Are you holding each other accountable? (accountability isn’t about blaming or punishing but being honest with each other, show each other that what they do and who that are matters .)
    What about the experience with your Ex are you holding on to? Have you projected a missing part of yourself onto your Ex? If so is it possible that you are mistaken and that what you felt he gave you was always yours and within you?

    What are your expectations when it comes to Relationships and Love? Do you feel you deserve less or more?


    I can’t quite grasp this “let go” concept. It’s suppose to be good and make you feel good,

    I think it may be unhelpful attaching concepts like “feeling good” (good or bad) to the art/skill of letting go.  I think because a aspect of letting go involves removing our labels about our experience as being this or that, and not attaching ourselves to such labels.. When we do this we gain a perspective in which we can view what were letting go of  in a new light. Your kind of looking at yourself looking at the experience without attaching your sense of self to what you see and feel. This does not mean you don’t feel but instead are in a space that allows the feelings and experience to flow.

    You might note that it is the ego that attaches itself to the experience and feelings which prevents flow.  So letting go involves ego work. If your clinging to something its likely your ego trying to fix and control something.

    To the ego ‘letting go’ feels like dying so its often fear that keeps you hanging on. The reality is Letting go is a kind of metaphorical dying as we are detaching our sense of self from the ego identity which is clinging to the experience and or feelings. If your sense of identity/self is overly attached to your ego  your going to fear ‘dying’ and cling to it for all your worth,  stop flow. (and growth)

    When we do let go you might notice that the ego has been placed into its proper place as the part of us that helps us communicate our experiences and making the unconscious conscious.  The ego not the captain of the ship but the link between the engine room and the bridge.

    Letting go is not a state of indifference or forgetting but a process of “becoming”  more conscious of our True Selves. Its a process of growth as we bravely observe the experience, feelings and identity were clinging to and trying to fix or control. We ask ourselves why we are clinging to it? What am I afraid of? How is what I find attached to my sense of identity? Should it be? And as we grow and learn we allow the experience to flow.  What might the experience teach us about ourselves if we looked at it without fear or need to attache our sense of self to what we learn. (which would be the ego wanting to be captain again)

    The paradox you might be getting frustrated by is that it takes a healthy ego to let go of ego. Meaning you need a health senses of self with healthy boundaries to realize your Self is not that. (letting go requires boundary work) A healthy sense of self with healthy boundaries does not need to cling to or attache itself to a sense of self.

    A question the lies behind all wisdom teaching though for some reason never directly asked.  How are you responding to Life as it is.  To Life wonder and horror (as life must feed of life). A seed that does not ‘die’ does not become a tree. That is its wonder and horror.

    All the wisdom traditions point to the better answer as being a unequivocal YES. Yes it all the joy and the suffering. Not a easy place to stand and you can only stand in that yes when you are in the present moment as it is only in the present moment that Life Is.  Letting go requires work of leaning to be present. Another irony or paradox is that we work for which no work is required. Thus like Paulo Coelho Alchemist who discovers his treasure was were he started. We return home to see it for the first time.

    Unfortunately most wisdom traditions are misunderstood and so many of us answer THE question of how to respond to Life As It Is with a NO – get me off this ride, or a No, we broke Life but we can fix it if we follow all the rules and be good little boy’s and girls.

    A honest attempt at ‘letting go’ will require ego work, boundary work, learning to be present and the development of the skill of detachment while staying fully engaged in life. No easy task as the trap will be indifference and withdraw from life.  If you keep at it though and when life asks you to look it in the eye, as it is in all its wonder and horrors and answer the question of how you are you responding? Yes? No? Maybe? Only one of thus answers is flow.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Peter.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Peter.

    Hi Jenny

    Is it possible to reach a place where i feel nothing for my ex-bf?

    I suppose it’s possible however that would be along the lines of ‘letting go’ by forgetting or more problematic repressing the experience and what we might learn about ourselves through them.

    There is a time for everything including a time of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a ‘longing for home’ and can teach us a great deal about ourselves. What it is that leaves us feeling safe, loved, content, at home in our own skin. That said it’s easy to get stuck in our nostalgia if we project this feeling of ‘being at home’ onto others or what we do instead of looking for these things within ourselves.

    Its possible your missing the mark with regards the Art of Detachment when you say “my mind telling me that i should detach every emotion”. That may be a kind of repression that could lead to indifference to our feelings and experience. To learn and grow from our experiences its important that we feel what we feel.

    Detachment is the art of feeling what we feel without attaching our sense of self to them. We have emotions we are not our emotions, I earn a living doing this or that job, ‘I’ am not my job… When we find ourselves attaching our sense of self to a emotion, job, person… it is often as indication that the ego it attempting to cling and or control which often comes from a place of fear.

    Asking the ego to “let go’  when we have attached our sense of self to the ego, will feel like dying to the ego.  Which in a way, metaphorically, it is. As we let go we detach our sense of self from the ego. The ego no longer in the driver seat, its going to resist that ‘dying’. .. Who am I if not what I do or what I feel?  Who I am without this other person? Scary stuff.

    Detaching ourselves from this fearful ego might start with seeing the ego as the bridge between the subconscious and conscious. It is through the ego that we communicate and become conscious or ourselves. The ego is an important a part of the whole that is the Self, it is not us.

    Nothing like a brake up for providing the opportunity to discover and awaken to our true selves. If were brave and honest.

    I wish you well on the journey of discovery, be brave.


    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Peter.

    The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have – Kierkegaard.

    It may be a error to think that ‘letting go’ means forgetting. The reality of life is that it is a cycle of letting go, a cycle of birth, death and rebirth, the reality of each breath we take.

    We ‘Let Go’ as we detach our ego from the moment to better learn from it. the ego will attempt to cling, blame, control and identify the moment as being the self. So we detach (this is not indifference) the ego to get perspective.

    No experience is lost when we take what we learn forward.  Looking boldly at the best and worse our experiences the path forward become clearer.
    Love given and received is never lost. Sometimes love means a relationship ends but it remains Love. The ping pong nature of your relationship born out of love is not the love you need in this moment.

    How do you breath through this mental block? We work for that which no work is required. The thoughts that you have are a real as only you make them.





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    Nostalgia, the longing for home, pain for home.

    We can get lost in such longing if it becomes a escape into the past for the good old day’s.

    Often the time of nostalgia is a itch of the subconscious to re-remember a aspect of yourself that was perhaps lost and that the Self longs to reconnect with.

    When you visit the old haunts ask yourself what they meant to you then. How did you feel about your self when you were with that friend or in that location? How are you connected to those feelings, dreams, hopes now? Is their a part of yourself that you need to re-connect with?  Perhaps a ability of the imagination which we often ‘leave at home’ as we go out into the world?



    Great question Dom

    I think this is one of the most important questions. If you find yourself able to say Yes to life as it is, how do you stay engaged in life. A attribute that is helpful is being able to hold what appears to be opposing ideas at the same time. Getting comfortable with Paradox

    The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. F. Scott Fitzgerald

    How to remain engaged in life and Accept (say yes) to the life (the moment) as it is?  How to “be grateful for the thing you wished most never happened” – Steven Colbert   How to “Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.” – Joseph Campbell

    My understanding of Buddhism engages the idea of Detachment. This is not indifference which would lead to the issues of stuckness your concerned about. Detachment is the practice of acknowledging/accepting the moment as it is without attaching a sense of self (ego) to the experience while living your truth and engaging in that moment. Can you hold the two seeming opposing actions of accepting the moment while living your truth to engage that moment?

    This is action coming from a place of humility, honesty… vice anger, revenge… If one is in a brutal relationship the task is to see the relationship as it is and as Anita mentions changing what you can. Love may require that relationship end. Accepting the situation as it is in that moment does not mean you don’t stay in that situation. Accepting may be recognizing that you can’t time travel to undo the moment. Accepting is Seeing the situation as it is and acting on your truth as you know it to be in that moment.

    Perhaps the problem comes down to how we define the word ‘Accepting’ ?  If accepting is a surrender you will likely end in indifference. But if acceptance is seeing things as they are then your in a better position to recognize what you might influence

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