I very much relate to that inner sense of…  empty… missing… something… that leaves one feeling blue and off ballance.

Finding someone to talk, a third party that can listen to you objectively could be helpful.  Sometimes we need to hear out loud what were thinking and to have those thoughts reflected back to us by another.  Sometime friends and family are to close to us, or tied up in how they need us to be, to be helpful in this manner.  Follow you intuition.

You might find the following book helpful: The Untethered Soul – the journey beyound yourself by Michel A. singer

If I could go back in time I would change my entire self/life.

A common hope that many people have… if only, what if… replaying the past over and over perhaps fantasizing that just maybe, if subconsciously, that maybe if I just ‘remember… re-remember’ it better I might change it. But what really happens is that you end up re-experiencing the moment and end up stuck in the past with that re-experiencing firmly connected o feelings of anger, hate, frustration and shame to any present moment.

I wish I had some magic inspirational words that would allow you to let go of this cycle of stuckness that would disconnect you from having the past in the present but I don’t. This type of work, and everyone has to learn to come to terms with the past, requires just that, work.

With regards to hope, it is my opinion that hope is a skill, a skill that most people are really bad at. We hope for things to change that we have no control of, we hope to change the past. We hope for change to occur magically with eyes closed… if only, should have, could have, would have… but hope is a verb, hope is active.

When we hope with skill, we hope with eyes open ready to act. Hope that our life might be better, even when we might not be able to articulate what this better might be, pays attention to the present moment as it is. Noticing those moments of possibility and acting when we see them.

I imaging my hope as a tiger hunting, crouched in the tall grass ready to leap when the moment presents it self.

There is also a spiritual hope, the hope that things can be ok even when everything is so wrong. This hope is a kind of surrender and acceptance to life as it is while not a giving up. Where Unskillful spiritual hope often leads to helplessness and giving up magical thinking, while Skillful spiritual hope connects a person to life, as it is, all the ups and downs, with a Yes.

Dad I’m big but we’re smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we’re nothing at all
Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me
– five for five: the riddle

Depending on perspective We are smaller then small but also I think bigger then big, ether way the answer to the riddle is the same – come play with me – play. Accept the memories of the past as that, memories. Learn better do better, what more can we ask of ourselves. Memories may have shaped you but are not you. You are not your memories, you are bigger and more then memories.

Play

Eventually you might discover that you are working for that which no work is required. once you learn to get out of your own way you might discover that what you are really hoping for has been there for you all along just waiting for you to notice.

“Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.” Bryant McGill,

Love doesn’t require you to continue a relationship.
You may love someone very much, but you may not be compatible with them. Or they may drive you crazy with their continued disregard for your feelings. You can still love them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Love doesn’t mean that you have to stay, and stay and stay. You can leave the relationship and love them anyway.

Relationships are the crucible in which we discover ourselves. As such we create and play out scenarios that need healing with in relationships especially those in which we feel safe in. When we stop feeling safe within a relationship yet continue to seek out healing the relationship could become one of codependency. In codependency instead of healing and growing we become stuck in our pain, a kind of ground hog day but one we never find our way out of.

It is a perplexing paradox, however it is often the painful end of a painful relationship the pushes those involve to heal and grow.

We long for the La la Land happy ever after ending. Yet the movie of the same title showed that sometimes a relationship is only fated for a moment in time and not ever after.

I also thought the movie had a lot to say about the reality of relationship and the role that love plays.

I found that as an observer to what on the surface was an old-time Hollywood musical, that I wanted the Hollywood la la land ending. I wanted Mia and Sebastian to have it all. I wanted their experience of love not only to inspire and push them in their becoming but to also mean they could be happy ever after, together. But that was not to be. And as you mentioned would have been a mistake for Mia and Sebastian. Timing as the movie so cleverly revealed is everything.

Love it seems, on its highest plane, seems to demand that we become and that relationships are often the crucible in which this is realized. (Even at time the cost of the relationship we might have imagined and hoped/worked for)

After a breakup, I found myself asking the Question “what’s Love got to do with it”? (It being a committed life long relationship). My answer surprised me. Everything and Nothing. Without love relationship is not possible yet even where there is love (even when soul mates) it does not mean that a objective relationship is possible. There are times that we come into each other lives to push each other forward and sometimes fatefully it is the pain of the breakup that is required to wake us up and put us back on our path.

It was recently suggested to me that we are our own soul mates. That in the finding and becoming our authentic self we discover our soul. On the surface as we watch Mia and Sebastian we might have said they were soul mates and in a way they were, but not perhaps as we imagine. Together in that time and space, call it fate, destiny, or perhaps a window of opportunity that was noticed, through the eyes of the other they saw their own souls and became.

I saw the movies La La Land and Collateral Beauty in the same week and to my way of thinking they tell the same story of Love – Love bitter sweet.

Thank you for posting. I relate to your story

Something I noted when reading your post

I’ve been seeing a therapist but don’t feel like she or anyone gets the depth of the abuse I’ve endured and what it’s doing to me.

I had the same experience. In hindsight for some reason I wanted my therapist to acknowledge my hurt, which he did in a way, just not in a way I subconsciously wanted. I think I wanted an excuse and justification for feeling the way I did, I wanted to blame and be righteous in my anger. His concern was not about what my X did or taking about her but on me and how I might move forward and perhaps in time use the experience to grow. And He was right. Focusing on my X and trying to understand her was not going to help me.

I know it’s just my ego… And when fear and anger and shame and hate overwhelm me I just swallow it back down because I don’t know what else to do.

I feel that the statement ‘just my ego’ can become misunderstood and even get in the way of dealing with our experiences.
It takes a strong sense of ego to be able to let go of the ego. That might sound like a contradiction but I don’t think it is.

For me it’s a difference of identifying ones identity with the ego (which is what we want to let go of) and viewing the ego as the observer and part of the self through which we experience being conscious.

I am not my ego, my ego is a part of me. I am not my ego but in relationship with my I
I am not my fear, my sense of self is experiencing fear in this moment, I am not my joy, my sense of self is experiencing joy in the moment and grateful. I am not my failures, my sense of self is experiencing disappointment at not succeeding in the way I imagined…

When fear, anger, shame and hate overwhelm you the ego observer notices without identification judgments.
You might swallow the experience but instead of feeling helpless notice that as well, you might yell and notice that. Your ego not the cause and so effect of the issue in the moment but as conscious observer.

The experiences you had were real and your responses valid in the movement. They may not always have been helpful but still valid. The act of allowing the ego – your sense of I – to observe (without labeling the self) I believe opens the door to learning better ways in dealing with the memories and learning from the experience.

There is a time for all things and it may not be time to hear the following so forgive me if it upsets you (I know I didn’t want to hear it at the time, I was in a time of hurt and didn’t want to think about growth) – in a few years when you look back on the experience you will discover that the experience pushed you into a greater awareness of your relationship with your authentic self, others, and even things like your concept of love and relationship.

Though time does not heal, time can transform and ‘soften’ our memories and yes time can also harden memories and doing so embed the past in the present. Reading between the lines of your post I suspect the former will be the case.

At the end of a relationship it is likely you will question such concepts as happiness, love… if only to make sense of your experiences. You will be torn between acceptance and bitterness.

I know as part of the process it will feel as if your whole experience with this man was a lie.
But that is not likely true. It is possible to continue to love and miss someone even when a relationship as we hoped it would be, ends.

Allowing ones happiness is become dependent on another can put a great deal of strain on a relationship. The idea/ thinking of making oneself happy or finding happiness can get in the way of experiencing joy. Happiness is something we experience in the moment when we notice it. I think if you examine those moments where you were surprised by joy and experienced happiness that you did not create it, they just were. It is only in highlight when we look for explanation, cause and effect, that we say oh such and such was what made me happy. And then we try to repeat the experience expecting the same result, but this time almost always surprised not by joy but by disappointment…

Where to start?
Allow yourself to be ok with feeling lost, there is a time for all things.

Why It’s Okay to Feel Lost (and How to Find Your Way Again)

And maybe you discover that it’s not that your lost but in a time of wandering, and wandering opening the door to discovering your path and joy. “To live like a river flows, Carried by the surprise Of its own unfolding.”

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king
J. R. R. Tolkien

Why did he tell you that “he loves me more then anything and misses me like crazy and how he thinks of me every min” right before he said the above?

It is surprising how little the role of the ‘idea of Love’ plays in a discussion to end a relationships or not.
Two people can authentically love each other and still have the relationship end.

Without love a relationship is sure to fail but even where there is love a relationship is not assured, in fact love my require that it end.

I know that doesn’t help. Its one of the paradoxes of love I struggle with most… and as the song goes… What’s love got to do with it…

My conclusion, on one plain everything and on another level nothing, and both coexist at the same time, in the same moment, as everything is Love…

I’m panicking about the life ahead of me

Living in the imagined future of what if and fear… I know it well.
Some cognitive advice – try paying attention to when you cross the line from planning for your future to living in the future of what if ‘the sky is falling’.

From my own experience, in hind sight, all my worries I had as a student were pointless.
Even if you manage to do everything right and make all the right decisions it will not mean you end up were you expected to be. In fact I suspect you won’t, and will be glad of it.

Make the best choices you can with the information you have – when you learn better, do better. What more can you ask of yourself or anyone?
Remember most of the fear you will experience in life will be based false evidence appearing real.
The purpose of fear is to get your attention, once it has your attention, take appropriate actions and let it go. don’t let it take you into the future and out of the present