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    Hi George

     “the adult in me regrets what I almost did”

    I do not know anyone who has not been surprised by a thought that seeming come out of no where. If you have ever attempted meditation and quieting the mind you might have noticed that the mind produces thoughts. One after the Other. Most of which we don’t even notice or pay any attention to.  One of the intention of meditation is to avoid attaching oneself to the thoughts which then become thinking.

    At 13 you it’s likely that puberty greatly influenced the thoughts that arouse. Thoughts that would have been confusing and seeming come out of no where. At this stage of life its understandable to have urges and thoughts that scare you. As this particular thought repelled you, you learned that that was not you. You are not your thoughts, you have thoughts and are not compelled to act on every thought you might have. You learned to master your thoughts and not have your thoughts and urges master you. Very important lesson of puberty.

    Regret is usually attached to things we wish we hadn’t done or not done. Regret is usually a desire to change what cannot be changed with the result of getting stuck in the past and missing out on the present.  I don’t see the point in attaching the experience of regret to something you are glad you didn’t do isn’t regret. There is not point to it, unless of course you enjoy punishing yourself, but that is a different problem then regret.




    Begs the question: What defines a mistake? When does a mistake become a mistake?



    Hi Felix

    The whole social media dating, meet up… whatever its called doesn’t make much sense to me and I suspect many find it frustrating.

    I had a friend who did the online dating thing which worked for her however she understood it was about the numbers and was prepared for a lot of rejection and rejecting. She never took a rejection personal. That took a great deal of self awareness on her part.  I suspect that those of us that are sensitive that method isn’t going to work well. It sucks to feel ‘rejected’ but it equally sucks to be the one doing the rejecting.

    My suggestion then would be to work on your personal awareness. What can you handle what can’t you? Social media interaction may not be your thing if you can’t detach your sense as self from the experience.  Our their any activities, sport’s that you enjoy? Maybe join a group and interact their. (Just don’t be that guy that join a group with the ulterior<b> </b>motive. Join because you enjoy the activity allowing those around you to see you. You will make friends and from their who knows.) Joining a dance class is a excellent place to practice letting go of insecurities.






    Dear  uclmerc:

    Reading your post the thought that came to mind is that you have already decided the future of this relationship. Their is nothing wrong with the relationship but its missing something. Love is the requirement for all relationships however love does not mean a relationship is meant to be.

    If I’m correct you may be unconsciously ‘testing’ your partner and looking for failures. Even setting him up for failures. The failures giving you ‘permission’ to be upset and end things or perhaps make life so difficult he ends things. You don’t  need to seek out this type of ‘permission’.  This unconscious testing can become a unintentional form of ‘gas lighting’ where both parties begin to question there reality – especially the one being “tested”. Having been on the receiving end I can tell you its very painful way to end things.

    Re-read your post and ask yourself if you haven’t already made your decision and then be honest with your self and partner.

    Be kind to yourself



    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Peter.


    Hi Mona

    Its important to distinguish the difference between Self care and Self comfort. More often then not we choose the latter, comfort. And by comfort a means to avoid anything that might causes us anxiety, uncertainty or taking a chance.

    How to get out of this? Be honest with yourself.  Stop when you notice your telling yourself a story, that others don’t like you…. Ask yourself if this a excuse to stop yourself from engaging. Dos the thought of engaging leave you feeling uncomfortable? Is that self care or self comfort?

    Your not alone. Speaking for myself I tend towards self comfort, comfort being avoidance of social situations that I fear will overwhelm me. I tell myself I’m not good enough, will mess things up, they won’t like me. But its all a excuse not to engage and remain as I am. Self comfort can easily becomes self abuse and not comfortable at all.

    Self care is being honest and trusting oneself, its having healthy boundaries. Others will be attracted by that.




    As a person with tinnitus what you describe very much sounds like tinnitus. Tinnitus has many causes and or is a symptom of many things such as hearing loss, medication, blood pressure, diet.  My understand is that the brain is trying to adapt to a sound it expects to hear. In a odd way tinnitus is the sound of no sound.

    researchers say that the absence of sound caused by hearing loss in certain frequencies, due to normal aging, loud-noise exposure, or to an accident, forces the brain to produce sounds to replace what is now missing. But when the brain’s limbic system, which is involved in processing emotions and other functions, fails to stop these sounds from reaching conscious auditory processing, tinnitus results

    That said you aren’t wrong to pay attention as the ‘volume level’ will change, for example when something induces a change in blood flow, so changes in sound can be revealing with regards to how the current situation is influencing you.

    For many people who have tinnitus however that act of paying to close attention to the ringing is enough to increase “volume”, which leads to anxiousness, which leads to louder ringing, repeat, until you feel like your going crazy. So, if you can train yourself to pay attention and remain calm it could become part of a spiritual practice.

    For myself my tinnitus has acted as a warning when I’m out of the moment (attached to the moment, fear, desire..) and to stop and ‘calm’ myself.




    I’m dealing with the end of a long distance relationship, which didn’t came because we didn’t love each other but cause the circumstances are so hard.

    There is a difference between seeing a sign and asking for a sign

    When asking for a ‘sign’ we are at the same time implanting a thought into the subconscious. At a subconscious level we see more then what we are conscious of seeing. (we ignore most of what we see and hear…) By setting the intention for a sign you asked your subconscious to make what you might normally ignore noticed.  Kind of like the “pink elephant paradox” which refers to “inductive thinking caused by the difficulty of inadvertently proving the existence of a concept or phenomena just because it overtly or insidiously exists in one’s thoughts, leading to mis-attribution, or mis-categorization of data, and thus subverting inductive processes.”

    Meaning if the thought of seeing a butterfly as a sign is important to you your more likely to notice butterflies and because of the sign association you have attached to butterflies make a mis-attribution as to what it means – wishful thinking to see what you want to see.

    If your going to ask for a sign and then define what that sign must look, your defeating the purpose as you must then ask if you are seeing what you want to see… although doing so is a indication that  you really want the relationship to workout. (which is a sign of what you want. Sadly does not change circumstances.

    It is unfortunate that Love alone does not mean a relationship is destined to be.



    And I’ve always thought that my experiences would make me be less afraid to make changes, but they didn’t

    I don’t think your alone on that. As I get older it seems making choices and jumping into live have become harder. Even though my experience of change in the past were mostly positive, experience tends to mean we have more defined “filters” through which we look at things.  We also tend to think we have more to lose if we choose badly. Younger stating over isn’t such a big deal, we have all the time in the world…

    Being aware of and allow our experience to flow its important to become aware of the desire and fear that might be attached to the change we wish to make. Maya both obscures and reveals.  Fear and desire may distort our vision of what is and or may be but it also reveals the path. A song just popped into my head… Might as well Jump.



    Our Culture puts a lot weight on the ideas of purpose, meaning following your dreams. We think we must have a plan and know exactly where and what that should look like.  For some this might work for most I think its better to be open to the opportunities that present themselves and the doors that might open. You never know were the connection you need comes from.

    “If you think you imagine yourself taking the position of esthetic stasis, you’ll understand about withdrawing fear and desire for what happens, and about samsara being nirvana, the still point in the mist of the turning world. That’s all there is to it. Then the world becomes a display of things from which you are disengaged, and yet, voluntarily, you can become engaged “joyous participation in the sorrows of the world.” It is very different from being compulsively linked.”  – Joseph Campbell

    “Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else.” ― Joseph Campbell

    There is a time for all things. It is a wonder to me the surprise of arriving where we didn’t expect to be but is exactly were we needed to be.  Following your bliss is not necessary the same as following a set plan.

    “At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”― T.S. Eliot

    All the best Marius




    Hi limbikanimaria

    I have no Idea why someone would leave a note like that for someone else with no explanation as more often then not the color black is unfairly associated with negative connotations.  I might guess that this person was asked to leave the conference because of a habit of doing this.

    Begs the question as to why the color black is associated as being negative. Perhaps as it is associated with death and death seen as “bad” and or sadly perhaps due to false racial associations.

    Symbolically the color black is associated with many things with the qualification of good and or bad dependent on context of the person engaged with the symbol.

    Black as a color is not a color, or it is the absence of color, which at the same time gives depth and vibrancy to other color. (as does death provide depth to life). As a symbol the color Black is associated with uncertainty/mystery.  In the west uncertainty is something to fear however it is only with uncertainty that learning is possible.

    Black is associated with power, fear, mystery, strength, authority, elegance, formality, death, evil, and aggression, authority, rebellion, and sophistication. In other words  ‘Black’ adds depth to experience.

    The art of symbolic language is similar to dream interpretation where it is the dreamer the decides what the symbols in a dream means or points to. This is an engagement where nothing is right or wrong, good or bad, and instead a door to learning something about ourselves.

    Contemplating what a ‘black heart’ might mean to you could be illumining as long as you don’t attach a sense of self to the process. This is not a ‘fact’ or ‘objective’ exercises but a subjective one where you pay attention to your intuition and discernment.

    All the best

    Light likes to think it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. – Terry Pratchett




    Hi Joanna

    As you work through your thoughts and feelings about your experiences with Anita and Inky it can be quite emotional, and the tendency could be to identify with the emotion and or though.  For example, I am sad vice in this moment I feel sad are two very different things. Or I am Bad because bad things happened to me.

    My suggestion is that as you go through this process of healing that you take a few moments each day to sit quietly and reflect on what you have learned and notice if you have attached your sense of self to an emotion or thought. Nothing more then noticing is required.

    There is a time in everyone’s lives where the task is to take responsibility in learning how to nurture ourselves and “become our own mother” – (nurture yourself).  Your experience of your mother will have influenced your ability to nurture yourself however it does not or need not define that ability.

    We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. – Seneca



    I agree with Inky.  When the idea that we influence our reality becomes blaming oneself it becomes unskillful and a victim trope

    Here is an allegory

    Say there is a dark ally in your neighborhood in which many people have reported being robbed. One day you find yourself running late so decided to take the shortcut through the ally and you get robbed.

    Some may argue that you should have know better, so the fault is yours. However, it is not a crime to walk down an ally it is a crime to assault and rob people. Love requires that those that robbed you be held accountable. The guilt is theirs.

    On reflection asking yourself why you did what you did may prove helpful, maybe you discover a part of you likes danger or feels that you aren’t a good person and deserve to be hurt.   Those would be important realizations as you probably are at a unconscious level helping to creating those situations where such judgments will be verified.

    That does mean you are to blame. When reflecting on the role we play in creating our reality, judgments are unskillful. The idea is to make conscious what is unconscious so that you might write a different script. Learn and do better or don’t, there is no blame. Maybe the next time you don’t walk down the ally maybe you do, this time with a bat… or maybe you engage the community to address the problem.




    Hi Joanna

    I’m afraid I have no identity…

    From the perspective of Buddhism you are correct you are not a ‘identity’. You have experiences  you are not your experiences.

    That might sound like semantics however it does create the space to engage in life experiences without being overwhelmed and defined by them



    The word that comes to mind reading your post is “duality”, the problem of dualism which has many forms and were we tend to think in terms of either or. The problem of dualism is related to the problem of opposites. In most wisdom traditions the overcoming and coming to terms with the problem of opposites leads to the realization of oneness with All and with that oneness compassion for all. Here’s the rub, even after that kind realization the question of how to engage with Life, engage with other remains.

    “It is said that you can never hurt anyone, you can only hurt yourself.”

    From intellectual and spiritual perspective there is truth in that.  Say you stubbed your toe tripping over cloths left on the floor as you got out of bed. You could decide it only hurt your body which will heal but not your experience of ‘self’. Or you could beat your self up for being so stupid for stubbing your toe, such an idiot…  (mind body dualism). Perhaps like most people you will do both, and maybe one being more spiritually skill full then the other. Either way a reasonable action will be to make a habit of keeping your cloths off the floor.

    Your friend hurt you. An attribute of love is accountability and responsibility. If we never got to be held accountable nothing we are would matter and we would never learn anything. Engaging in life, engaging with your friend in the moment and addressing the experience is engaging in life. Address the wound and pick up the ‘clothes’ off the floor.

    After maybe a time for reflection. What role did I play in the experience? Could I have handled the experience better, what did I learn, what should I work on…. Did I attract the experience by thoughtlessly “tossing my clothes” on the floor? Why would I do that… what does that say about me

    Being hurt in relationship is of course much more difficult experience to see through. It wasn’t you who thoughtlessly tossed their cloths on the floor it was you partner… You stubbed your toe on their issues. The process remains the same. Work with your partner to address the problem and maybe, in time, reflect on what the experience is teaching  you.



    Well done ArtHeart!

    You are a inspiration!

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