I suspect that everyone at sometime in their lives feels this way. There is this idea in phycology called ‘persona’. A persona is a kind of mask we put on as we interact with other. Persona’s are not fake. While at work one would not put on the persona of Husband, Wife, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter…  that would just be weird.

When we first become aware that we have persona’s, masks, roles to play, its natural to wonder, oh I must be fake.

In Buddhist teaching we are reminded that we are not our persona’s. we are not there role we take on, we are our emotions, we are not our thoughts…  It is however when we over identify with a specific persona, emotion, thought that we are not being real.

For example, ‘I am a businessman’ Everything I see and do comes through perspective of the businessman. When I succeed in business, I’m good, when I fail, I’m bad. You can see how that is going to be problematic especially when the ‘businessman’ needs to relate to others as perhaps Father, Son, Lover, Friend…. The role of businessman is not fake. Its just not appropriate when relating to a partner.

Anyway, you’re are a point where your noticing the various roles you have with the realization that you are not your roles. This is understandably uncomfortable, but not fake. It is through our roles and interactions with others that we learn about ourselves.

My advice for what its worth is to pay attention, play a bit with the roles you take on, what fits, what doesn’t fit, what is helpful what is not.? Are you over identified by a role taken on? If so why?

As you discover this thing that is you, be kind

There are no answers only questions…. That said the following pretty much answers it all

“I don’t get it,’ Caroline said, bemused. ‘She’s the only one with wings. Why is that?’
There were so many questions in life. You couldn’t ever have all the answers. But I knew this one.
It’s so she can fly,’ I said. Then I started to run.” ― Sarah Dessen , The Truth About Forever

“You spend your whole life looking for answers because you think the next answer will solve all your problems: make you a little less miserable, because when you run out of questions you don’t just run out of answers… you run out hope.” – House

 

“The Riddle” – Five for Fighting

There was a man back in ’95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him

Wait, what’s the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me

He said,

Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see… You will see

Then he said,

Here’s a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There’s a reason for the world
You and I…

Picked up my kid from school today

Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can’t live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me

He said,

Dad I’m big but we’re smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we’re nothing at all
Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me

And Hey Dad
Here’s a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There’s a reason for the world
You and I…

I said,

Son for all I’ve told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world…
Who am I?

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we’re not wise enough to see

He said… You looking for a clue I Love You free…

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel’s eyes
A song plays on while the moon is high over me
Something comes over me

I guess we’re big and I guess we’re small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we’re all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here’s a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There’s a reason for the world
You and I…

• This reply was modified 4 days, 21 hours ago by  Peter.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 21 hours ago by  Peter.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 21 hours ago by  Peter.

We tend to desire Purpose as an objective experience, a job a passion… but such experiences can’t last. The truth is the experience exists in the moment and like all moments flows by.

Whether you notice it or not, all that you are, as you are, and do is purpose and gives meaning to life (life does not give you meaning you give meaning to life). What your looking to experience then may not be purpose.

Some Quotes on purpose and meaning by – Joseph Campbell

  “We’re so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about.  – Joseph Campbell

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

“Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived.”

“We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world”

“We’re in a freefall into future. We don’t know where we’re going. Things are changing so fast, and always when you’re going through a long tunnel, anxiety comes along. And all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It’s a very interesting shift of perspective and that’s all it is… joyful participation in the sorrows and everything changes”

To think about thinking… Is there anything else we can do while doing it? See while seeing, hear while hearing, smell while smelling, taste while tasting, feel while feeling…

“A simple enough process seems to be in the present and take it as it happens. This though easy to state, is not as easy when it comes to the practice of it.”

The reality is that we are always in the present.  In that sense there is no try it already is. It’s an illusion that the thoughts of the past or the future happen in the past or the future. They occur in the present and we deal with them as we deal with all things as it happens. The practice isn’t to make it happen but to accept it’s how it is.

Hi No-thing

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. If I’m reading you correctly the anger and frustration your holding has to do with the problem of justice. Lots of books written on that subject and still the idea is not understood.

I get it. Everyday we watch as people that hurt others remain oblivious, untouched and or simply seemingly uncaring about the harm they do. We want them punished. Something about life is wrong and we want to fix it and condemn it.  I get it.

The reality is life is not going to change. The choice then, remain angry and spend your life self-righteously shaking your fists at the heaven’s and all the wrong you see around you demanding Life be different, demanding Life conform to your expectations… or… let it go…

Be the change you want to see, it’s the best anyone can do. (the reality is we always are weather we consciously choose it or not) Stand up when you see injustice but detached (not indifferent) from outcomes.  Life’s will, will be done. How other people experience that is their fate to face how you experience yours is yours. Its one of the few choices we get to make so choice wisely.

Hi Nothing. (from nothing comes all things)

You ask some really good questions.

“All I teach is suffering and the end of suffering.” – “Life is suffering” – yet the Buddha was not arguing for the end of life or, in my opinion, the disengagement from Life though for some that is a path. (most of us are not called to be monks or hermits but to engage with life)

In general: We see life as we are (karma) not as it is.  As we become more conscious – “enlightened” – the opposites fade and we experience Life as it is, which is as we are. Life is a wonder; we are a wonder which includes suffering. We say Yes to life and engage fully with it, Joyful suffering… Have you noticed that the experiences that becomes deeply meaningfully because they are bitter sweet.  The experience of pain and suffering transformed…. Which yes, raises many more questions.

I am not a Buddhist so the following may be off the mark but maybe it will help.

The purpose of the various practice of Buddhism is greater awareness. Consciousness arises from the tension we experience when confronted with opposites.   We don’t become conscious of the experience of cold without having the experience of hot.

Perhaps the first confrontation we all experience is the knowledge of good and evil which is different from knowledge of what is good and what is evil. Knowledge “of” is not the same as knowing “what is” so we suffer. What I experience as good one minute is in the next experienced as bad. What I experience as good you might experience as bad. How can that be? How can one thing be at the same time both? Not Two?

We “awaken” to the problem of opposites, becoming conscious through struggle. In general, we experience struggle as suffering so you might say that the price of consciousness is suffering or, the price of life is suffering.

When we look to nature, we become conscious of the fact that Life lives off Life.  Life requires the sacrifice of Life.  Our life comes at the cost of life and the tendency is to repress that truth = we suffer. I would argue that the question behind all religions is in my opinion how are we to respond that truth. Yes, No, or We can Fix it. Interestingly most religions can be interpreted in any of these ways.

If we answer No, that Life should not be, get me off this ride. We dissolve the ego, no ego no suffering because there is nothing that can be touched. Begs the question, what is the ego and what role does it play in consciousness? Many interpret the goal of Buddhism this way.

If we answer life was good, but we broke it so must fix it. Well, I suspect you know that just creates allot of suffering although it’s a good way to experience suffering as meaning and purpose.

If we answer Yes, we enter into the flow or life as it is, that we are one, intimately part of Life, its wonder and suffering. We Suffer however our relationship to suffering changes and becomes not suffering.

I would argue that the Buddha, as was Christ, were showing the path to say Yes to Life As It Is. Each moment of life a moment of “birth – death – resurrection/reincarnation” – not opposites but intimately connected and interwoven that we are to enter into freely.

Which brings us back to the problem of opposites, suffering, consciousness and ‘enlightenment’.  As we awaken, we realize that opposites are illusions of our own making. Not that the experiences aren’t real but that they aren’t separate, aren’t opposites. Good and Bad exist together as one, as the All is one. Joy and suffering are not opposites but are one as the All is one. This is a different kind of consciousness and being.

• Objective consciousness:  Object and Subject or separate. This is our relationship to the outer world where “real” equals those things we experience through our 5 senses.
• Subjective consciousness: Object and Subject or separate. This is our relationship to the inner world, how we feel and think about what our senses reveal to us.
• “Dream” consciousness: Both Object and Subject arise from the self.  You are both Object and Subject. The division between Object and Subject disappear. Object and Subject no longer opposites.
• Consciousness enveloped by unconscious: conscious of the unconscious…. Add silence and you have the sound of “one hand clapping” the sound of the Universe, the sound of Life, ‘Oum’.

So, what am I saying?

As we engage in the practice we will eventually be confronted with the problem of opposites. As we practice, contemplate and meditate and allow the levels of consciousness to arise (cycle) the opposites of object and subject merge and the experience of opposites dissolves. As the opposites dissolves the questions of good and evil, joy and suffering dissolve and so our relationship to Life and relation to ego transforms to something that is transparent to the transcendent . In other words, beyond the limitation of words. We return to where we started but see it for the first time.

Its not just woman who find themselves in the same situation. I fear I am also a member of the club.

My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

I wonder sometimes if she was right.  I know as I have gotten older taking a leap of faith has become much harder. To be candid its been so long that I wouldn’t know where to start.  As INTJ I think to much and trust myself to little…  so, in my case I am getting in my own why.

I agree with Valora though. I think for people like us we need to meet that person who is patient and that won’t panic when asked to move slow so that we might create that safe place.

Hello Moondrop

The anxiety about not wanting to have such dreams could be reinforcing the dream.

From what I understand about dream interpretation the dreamer is both the object and subject of the dreams contents – As such characters in a dream are created by the dreamer as a symbol or metaphor that the dreamer subconscious is attempting bringing whatever is being symbolized to the surface.  The theory is that if you make that conscious the dreams will stop.

A place to start is to write down all the associations that come to mind when you think of your experience with your Ex. Its possible that the experience of your Ex represents a unconscious aspect of relationship (in general).  What is it you learned about yourself through the experience? Are you hanging on to anything? Anger, fear, resentment?? Have you forgiven yourself (we often unconsciously blame ourselves just for having taken the chance with someone, even when we haven’t don’t anything wrong)

Once you have done the work instead of fearing the dream before you go to sleep ask that your dreams show you what it is you need to ‘awake’ to, to learn. If you can re-enter the dream and make it lucid and try to shape the dream to a conclusion to you liking.