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    Hi Angi

    “What we see changes what we know. What we know changes what we see.” – Jean Piaget

    “We create the world that we perceive, not because there is no reality outside our heads, but because we select and edit the reality we see to conform to our beliefs about what sort of world we live in.”  ― Gregory Bateson

    The Law of Attraction is very much connected to the idea that we ‘see’ what we expect to see and call it attraction. perhaps you heard the saying “your car goes where your eyes go” – “The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.” – Garth Stein

    Here the driver that can’t look away from the wall ‘attracts’ the crash while the driver with a calm ‘mindfulness’ looks down the track ‘attracts’ the regaining of control. (it is a ‘break of free will’)

    I like the question of how much ‘free will’ do we have as it points to my observation that we have free will however that it is difficult to exercise. (And that many people do not exercise at all – for these people every “choice” is a reaction never a response.)

    There is a hermetic saying – As above so below, as below so above – we are influenced, and we influence, we are created as we create, we are bigger then big smaller then small – we are influenced from outside forces, nurture and nature, that we have no control of… yet at the same time can influence the outer by addressing the inner.

    ‘Free will’ then may be the art of making the choice to become the change we hope to attract and create in the world.

    Thus, we have the practice of mindfulness and ‘not doing’ – free will is the art of not doing – how’s that for a paradox. In the words of the infomercial “set it and forget” it. When we try to force change we almost always shift to trying to change outside forces of which we have no control over. Imagine trying to force a plane into the air by lifting it. When we are the change we become that slight change of the wing that allows the plane to lift off.

    I would argue that the Universal plan is Life – the paradox here being that life relies on the sacrifice of life. That is life’s wonder and its horror. As such life does not give us meaning, we give meaning to life. Your destiny then is to be you.  You are exactly where you must be to get to where your going. So follow your bliss, drive your ‘car’ mindfully, avoiding becoming fixated on fear and be the change you want to attract.



    Based on the scenario I’d say were dealing with immature/undefined boundaries from both the sender and receiver.

    When expectations about borrowing and returning items, giving and receiving, aren’t clear someone is going to cross the line.  Both parties are assuming they are operating on the same understanding of the idea or respect as it comes to the relationship and borrowing.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 14 hours ago by  Peter.


    Hi Nicolaas

    We work for that which no work is required. In the Buddhist tradition the practice of mindfulness would help. You appear to be aware of the moments you become short tempered  the next step would be make a choice in that moment not to react but to respond.

    Like you I tend to get annoyed with last minute work requests and drivers who driving I judge to be idiotic 🙂 I realize a while back that in those moments what I was really angry about was a lack of control. That life was showing me very clearly that I was not its center, that I was smaller then small… I’ve learned long ago that control of outside influences is a illusion and that the best we can do is influence our inner experiences – be the change we want to see…

    I continue to be annoyed at other drives. A part of me enjoys my impotent anger. Its kind of a outlet. I know what I’m really frustrated about and after the outburst I take a breathe and have a good laugh at myself for thinking that my needs, my plan, my views ‘must‘ matter more, must be more important, then anyone else’s. (that is not to say they don’t matter, the problem is the must. )

    This may sound trite however if you want to stop being short-tempered stop being short-tempered.  When you falter, which you will, don’t beat yourself up about –  just another form of short-temperance. Learn better do better, repeat, and have some laughs along the way.




    Hi Omar

    Not sure what the intention of the tweet. Here are my thoughts on the matter.

    In psychology (mirror neuron) we discover much about ourselves through the reflection of others. We “see” and to ‘know’ our selves through the “eyes” of others.  Consciousness needs something to ‘push off against – you’re not conscious of cold until you also noticed warm.

    Life is a continuous cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. Life demands growth (phycological/spiritual growth requires ‘death’ – not literal but death as in letting go, doing better when we learn better. Letting go is difficult because it ‘feels’ like dying to the ego).

    Unconsciously we tend repress and not fully understand our pain and fear and how it has influenced us and distorted our ‘seeing/knowing’ our authentic selves. To heal our pain, we unconsciously recreate the past with those we are in relationship with hoping that they might ‘reflect’ back to us, in such away that that we better ‘see/know’ ourselves. Healing the past as we become conscious of how we were influence by the past and then doing better when we know better.

    Each person we meet then is an opportunity for growth and healing.  – note both people in relationship are participating in this cycle at the same time, healing and being healed. In a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries each will learn and heal each other. In unhealthy co-dependency relationships the fears and hurt feed off each other fears and hurt. Repeating the cycle not to heal but to re-enforce it. (Both situation we can grow from if we become conscious of it and create the healthy boundaries to avoid re-enforcement.)

    The people we are in relationship with are reflections of a repeated cycle however when made conscious, in hindsight, will be thought of as being guides to a new start.




    All words are symbols and the word ‘God’ is a big is a big one – meaning that when we unpack all the attributes that the word points to it can be overwhelming. Mostly we tend to mistake the map for the territory or the word as being the thing is only points to.

    When you use the word God what is it you picture? Something outside yourself, something withing, both? Many approach god as if he/she/it is a alien being with powers to punish and reward – I don’t recommend that approach

    We are bigger the big and smaller the small….the human being is not merely a drop that can merge with the Ocean, but a drop that also contains the Ocean. Every divine attribute is latent within the human heart, and by the cooperation of human will with divine grace these attributes can be awakened and manifested.

    We human beings contain within ourselves the potential to experience completion, to know our intimate relationship to the whole of Being in such a way that we reflect this completion through ourselves.

    My favorite form of prayer is listening.

    “You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don’t know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don’t know who your friends are, you don’t know what you owe anybody, you don’t know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen.  Joseph Campell”

    If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”― <span class=”authorOrTitle”>Joseph Campbell</span>




    Hi Javairia

    At such a young age you certainly have had a lot to deal with and I’m impressed that you have been able to keep you head above water, if only just, and are able to recognize that you could use some help.

    I agree with your intuition (which seems to be a strength of yours) turning to your friends as a therapist would be an error as it is unlikely they have the skills needed to lead you through the ‘woods’. That’s not saying you can’t lean on your friends as you support each other, just that turning to friends as you might a therapist will change those relationships.

    My advice would be to seek out help from a qualified therapist. Is it possible your school guidance consular could point you towards someone? There is no shame to getting help and sometime we just need someone that we don’t have a relationship with to listen to our thoughts so me might better straighten them out.

    I wish you well on your journey through the woods.



    Hi Rosie I’m not sure what you mean by the word ‘passionate’. Its my opinion that the ‘self help and becoming’ movement have created a lot of unnecessary angst by creating unrealistic ideals with regards to passion, purpose and meaning all of which are connected.

    I like what <span class=”authorOrTitle”>Joseph Campbell</span> said about Passion or Bliss “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. (Passionate Life) I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

    The experience of being Passionate for career or what have you is just that a experience that exists not as a object to hold by a moment of being to experience. In a given day, week or month if we expect to the Passion for what we do in every moment were going to be disappointed. To a large extent we are the stories we create. as such having a Passionate career is a choice.  This has been my experience. There have been moments that I dislike what I do for a job and moments when I feel very passionate about what I’m doing. I am greatfull for the moments I experience passion for what I do.



    Hi Ranger:

    You are not your thoughts. If your trying to repress your thoughts they will only become stronger.

    Be honest with yourself and decide what it is you need. Note that wanting and needing are not the same thing. Once you answer those questions you will better be able to enter into a honest dialog with your wife and work on a plan that will move you forward towards your desired outcomes.



    Hi prudence

    Do I understand correctly that he ghosting you for three months and that for those three months you continued to call him everyday?

    The question I might ask myself if the above is true is why I don’t think I deserve to be treated better then that?




    Hi gj

    Sorry to hear about your Mother.

    It may sound trite however the best we can do at such times, is as Gandhi suggested, “be the change we want to see” In this way we might just influence others respond in kind.

    I suspect most doctors need strong boundaries in order not to be overwhelmed by everything they must deal with. That of course does not excuse a poor bedside manner. My own experience was that after the diagnoses and a plan established those in the medical field I dealt tended to show a great deal of compassion and kindness. I hope this will also be your experience.

    “May Light always surround you; Hope kindle and rebound you.
    May your Hurts turn to Healing; Your Heart embrace Feeling.
    May Wounds become Wisdom; Every Kindness a Prism.
    May Laughter infect you; Your Passion resurrect you.
    May Goodness inspire your Deepest Desires.
    Through all that you Reach For, May your arms Never Tire.”  ― D. Simone



    Hi Nelum

    Viewing the world through the lens of social media is bound to distort what you see.

    The personas we create are not fake but the means in which we engage with the world. How you relate as a son to your parents is different then how you relate to a stranger, friend, boss… as it should be.  The mistake happens when we mistake our identity’s and others identity’s as being a persona. We are more then the sum of our parts.

    To get to know oneself and others one needs to engage, develop trust and drop the guards we put up to protect ourselves. I get the feeling that the observations in your post could be your way of justifying a desire to stay safe and disengage. I say that as it’s a tactic I have used in the past. If everyone is being fake why should I engage with them, better to keep to my introverted self. End result…. loneliness.

    Advice for what its worth is to avoid these types of judgments and measuring standards. Focus less on what you imagine others are thinking about you or what you imagine they want you to be and instead be yourself. Engage honestly with people that interest you and eventually if you are courageous in refusing to hide behind your wall of fears, you will find your tribe.



    Hi James

    Do you think I can achieve what I mentioned above, without exposing myself to possibility of getting rejected or hurt by others?

    Based on my understanding of Love I would say no.

    “Every time we make the decision to love someone, (The same is true when we make the decision to love ourselves.) we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain…. Still, if we want to avoid suffering we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” – Henri Nouwen

    For the majority of people, pain is the most dreaded enemy, and so when they experience pain, they try their best to fight against it or run away from it, as if it’s an evil monster that’s after them. The reality, however, is that pain is there for our good, if we pay close attention to it and understand why it’s making its presence in our field of consciousness. If we’d really want to overcome pain, we first need to understand what it is and why it’s there. Then, we need to address its root causes, and not merely avoid it or treat it on a symptoms-level.



    Hi Belle

    I know that for my sake (more than his), that I have to forgive, forget and move on. But my rage boils over sometimes

    Forgiveness is an art that most of us practice badly. Most people feel that when they forgive they are also giving up on asking for accountability from the person that hurt then and so they must forget as in never remember the event of being hurt. If you think about it, such a perspective likely creates resentments and anger.

    Forgiveness does not remove accountability. You can forgive someone and hold them accountable. By forgiving in this way, forgetting is a decision not to dwell. You become mindful when you are dwelling on the past hurt and taking a breath to let it go.  Let it go is not in pretending the hurt didn’t happen but realizing that when you dwell on the hurt it only intensifies. The practice of ‘forgetting’ is to notice and allow the experience to flow vice damming it up. Other attributes to forgiveness are to forbear and forgo. We forbear as in we sit with what we are feeling, a time to feel what you feel without reaction or responding to it. When we forgive we also forgo desires of getting even and revenge. Revenge and getting even are not the same of holding those that hurt us accountable. We hold them accountable from a place of love. If I give you my key and you steal from me taking back the key is not done from a place of anger but accountability and love.

    I suspect your right that much of your anger is coming from a place with the feeling of a loss of personal power and control.   If such is the case the practice of mindfulness might.



    Hi Bell

    One of the purposes of relationships is to discover ourselves and become conscious. We tend to do this the hard way. For whatever reason when everything is going our way we tend not to learn much.

    Anita will likely help you sort out your thoughts, however I would like to comment on your statement: “I know life is in my control, but i feel like everything is in a mess and i need help.”

    There is a Hermetic saying/riddle As “above so below as below so above”. Psychologically this points to the truth that we are influenced by factors outside our control with the possibility that we can also influence them.

    The reality is, is that the majority of our experiences are influenced by factors outside our control and or that we are not conscious of.  We think we are responding and making choices when we are not. In most cases we tend to react to life. “As below so above” however suggests that change we have influence over starts from the inside. Even this however isn’t so much as control as it is about influencing and allowing. The moment when we attempt to control we tend to grasp and want things to look and be a certain way causing us the miss opportunity.

    I guess what I’m saying is that as you move forward and learn the lessons you need to learn from your experiences don’t focus to much on control. If you can, when you can set time aside practice embracing uncertainty. “Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”



    “But I still love him”

    I suspect your learning that love does not mean that relationship will thrive or last. That you can love someone even as you end a relationship. Perhaps even that Love requires that a relationship end.

    Responsibility, accountability, discipline, meaning, growth… are all attributes of the experience of love.  Love requires that we hold those we are in relationship with accountable and sometimes that means the relationship must end. Ending not because you do not love but because you do love. Love continues even if a relationship does not.


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