I have been with my husband for 28 years, married for 21. We had a daughter who has recently left home and I am wondering what is left! Its so confusing but I feel that there is just nothing in this relationship any more!

My husband is essentially a good guy. He is an alcoholic, drinks every single night, sometimes too much but generally falls asleep….I kind of make sure I am quiet so he does. I have had so much more time to think now my daughter has gone and realised I have developed all sorts of ‘coping’ technics.

Right from the beginning he used to get cranky when he drank, sometimes attacking my emotional and mental being. I learnt to close up, not say stuff and ‘keep the peace’! When our daughter came along, he wasn’t all that involved with the day to day stuff. I was the one who had to get up, even if I was tired or sick. He changed 2 nappies in his time. He would get really cranky at her even as a little one, I learnt to keep her quiet, or entertained, propping up her ego. Then, he would be so kind, having fun and letting her do all the stuff he got mad at before! As she grew, he was still rarely involved. I was the one who took her to sports, school, everywhere. I was the only one who taught her how to drive (except the 2 half hour sessions). He would still get cranky at her, I spent hours in her room, talking to her, telling her this or that was not her fault, that she was a good person. I did discuss with her about alcoholism and how that effects personalities. I tried to shield her. She also learnt ‘coping’ techniques and I feel guilty that she has had to learn these things so early in her life….should I have left earlier!? All this time, I was the one working full time in a shared business. I have also been the only one who has paid the bills, done book work, done all the shopping and cooking, sorted things out, most of the cleaning, all of the washing…its been exhausting but I did it because it needed to be done and I was it. My husband has not been into a bank or supermarket more than 10 times in 28 years.

As a family, holidays were always stressful. We get up early and if i am tired, I get called cranky and that I am ruining the holiday before it begins! He becomes very moody and daughter and I feel the need to tiptoe around. He never wants to come to dinner, so daughter and I go together (I mean, gee, we are on holiday!) Then he bags us both out about wanting to eat all the time! (we are both slim). He constantly complains about money being spent! Us women just ‘cope’ and ‘pretend’ that nothing is wrong. He will play mind games and tell us he doesnt want to go anywhere with either of us and then decides at the last minute to join our tour or whatever. But he is in a hurry to get back to the hotel….most unenjoyable.

Ok, Then on a more personal note….our sex life….or total lack of it! I am not talking about a few months…but YEARS! he lost interest in me years ago, I tried, but there was no interest there…as I said, I am not an unpleasant person to look at, I dont think!? But for the last 10-12 years I have given up and that seems to suit him. I used to be a unloving person and would joke and tickle and try and spice stuff up…he hates being tickled, hates everything I do in bed. Once I woke him up touching him, trying to entice him…he pushed me away and told me he felt like I raped him! Lucky there are toys 🙂

We have no shared interests. I am not into the pub or golf which are his only two interests. And I love doing all sorts of things. I am involved with committees, and love art and lots of stuff. Even reading a book or watching a movie….none of that interests him. I work in a shop and sometimes want to chat about interesting people…he always interrupts my story and asks where its going! we dont even sit in the same room at night now, taking turns going to the spare room to watch our tv. So I just dont bother now.

Now my daughter has left home and comes to visit, he is Mr nice guy to her, Its freaking me out a bit. Nice to see them getting on and said as much recently. she answered that yes it was nice but she expects nothing and wonders how long it will last.

My mind and my heart are all swirling around. I dont have very many friends….I feel like there is so much emotional energy spent in my day to day life, I haven’t got a lot left. Also, our friends are shared (couples) and I am scared to talk to them. I am happiest when he occasionally goes away. Then, when he due home I get all nervous…is everything clean enough, are the plants looking ok, etc etc. He will usually pick something I have missed and make an offhand comment on it. I think thats what it is, he does a lot of little offhand comments, little tit bits to attack something I have or haven’t done. Jabs. And in an argument he will not let me have emotions…he is better than me at arguing, and attacks my weak points. Then I get flustered and back off. I am not ‘permitted’ to be cranky or tired because he will always get angry and moody. He has a few times really gotten angry..like grabbing my throat and pinning me against the wall, fist in my face. He has smashed things and putting his fist through wardrobes and doors. He grabbed our daughter round the neck once too. So there is that fear that the latent monster could come back. My daughter is an amazing person, she has become a kind and considerate person but does have some anxiety issues which i think comes from her upbringing. I have tried to keep the mother away from the friend and have always been honest with her to a degree. I never wanted to be the mum who bags her father, but I also dont feel its right to pretend nothing is happening when there is obviously a problem. I have not mentioned my desire to leave him.

Writing this down has made me see that for much of my life with this man has been a pretend game. I am his carer not his wife! I feel like I am an employee who needs to behave in a certain way! I am sorry if this is so long, when I started I just couldn’t stop. I would like to just tell someone my story and get some feedback. I do have a place to go to ( we have a residence at the shop we own with other partners). I dont want to leave because I want someone else, just to have some peace in my life. To maybe find out who I used to be, to find the unloving and genuine caring person that I am sure  am inside. I have tried to talk to him over the years, he either tells me I am off my head, to F**k off, or yeah yeah yeah….nothing changes so now we are reduced to mindless meaningless conversation. He pretends there is nothing wrong.

Help, how do I leave a guy when there seems to be no major reason? How do I tell him?? Im scared and feel so alone. Cant even talk to my mother cause she is depressed about loosing my dad 3 1/2 years ago and I feel like I support her more than she is a mother to me! I need people…please