Forum Replies Created
June 25, 2019 at 11:27 am #300701
You are in a long distant relationship. You can make the way you do this relationship that meets your needs of safety. You will not be actually be in his physical presence.
You can set boundaries and rules-of-engagement so you can feel safe.
Do you do video chat (e.g. Skype) or text or email or voice communications?
Is there anything in particular in terms of behavior/words that you are afraid of him saying?
MarkJune 24, 2019 at 9:38 pm #300627
I echo what Raju says in the last sentence as well.
Whenever you allow someone to determine whether or not you are happy or enough then you are giving away your power. You are not loving and respecting yourself.
Read what you posted about him and how he is mistreating you. Would you do the same to him or any other person?
MarkJune 24, 2019 at 9:31 pm #300625
So you gained weight because of your mental illness? Was it because of the medication that dealt with it or that you over ate because of it?
I am with Peggy about the low sex drive part. It is not uncommon for long term partners lose interest in sex. The boredom and the monotony of the relationship contributes to that.
I wonder if you are attracted to him sexually?
MarkJune 24, 2019 at 8:21 pm #300591
How old are you? How many relationships have you had before this man?
You have been given the opportunity to explore your curiosity. Do so. You don’t want to keep second guessing yourself and not be fully in on a hetero relationship if you keep wondering “what if?” My take is that it is fairly common that women have such fantasies. Your former bf even encouraged you to try.
When we are in our 20s is when we get to explore and try on different experiences, lifestyles, attitudes, views, etc. We do so in order to mature and learn about ourselves.
Have you had yourself medically checked out for your low sex drive? This may come into play that maybe your attraction to other women is “safer” for you sexually but that is just a guess. Regardless have it checked out.
Insofar as wanting to have butterflies in your stomach, that’s a nice thing to want but we are all different. I never really had that for those women I was attracted to and went into relationship with. Plus that feeling goes away after the initial Honeymoon/Infatuation Phase.
MarkJune 24, 2019 at 4:30 pm #300567
Good communication is essential in any romantic relationship which means you two need to share your feelings with each other. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication process is an excellent way to do that for there is no blaming so it is a safe way of being vulnerable.
I also like the 3 rule approach to communication: Is it true? Is it useful? It is it kind?
You mentioned how being in the moment is when it is nice. That is a great practice. Continue doing that. Plus focus on what is good about the relationship, about you as a desirable partner and about you as someone who is good regardless of who are you with, i.e. love yourself.
MarkJune 20, 2019 at 5:40 pm #300059
You want to know how to cope with this in a healthy way?I wonder if you have had to experience loss in other ways? A loss of a loved one? A loss of a job? A loss of a friendship? A loss of another romantic relationship?
How did you cope with any of those?
He is going away and your relationship is shifting, nothing is permanent. Put that in perspective. I know that this won’t be comforting but it has been less than a year of knowing each other. You two never got out of the honeymoon phase where you idealize him and project all those great qualities without really getting to experience the nitty gritty.
Buddhism talks about sitting with our feelings rather pushing them away or distracting ourselves from them. It is easier said than done (at least for me). The best way of coping and moving on is to do that.
You are pre-grieving. Make the most of the present moment rather than spoiling your time together by becoming sad before he leaves.
Does any of this make sense?
MarkJune 20, 2019 at 10:41 am #299989
It’s only guilt if you are (not) doing something that you should do. I contend that you have a misplaced belief that you *should* be doing something for your adult sister especially to the detriment of your own well being.
Work on loving yourself rather than focusing on your sister.
MarkJune 19, 2019 at 6:15 pm #299893
I believe in loving ourselves first. Sometimes in order to do that you need to set boundaries in order to protect yourself. I don’t believe you are the one who should rescue her especially if she is not asking for help. There is nothing more annoying is getting “help” when you don’t want it. Plus it sounds like unless she starts working on herself first then you would be throwing your time/energy/money down the proverbial drain.
You can love her at a distance.
MarkJune 19, 2019 at 6:08 pm #299887
I believe you have your own inner wisdom as well as allowing your own experience to answer the first question.
When you asked the question on how to stay motivated and if I practice this, I am believer of being positive and grateful as my daily spiritual practice and not be attached to the outcomes. I am happy if something turns out well for me and if it doesn’t then I consider that as an opportunity for me to learn from or to handle with equanimity.
MarkJune 19, 2019 at 11:55 am #299819
From a Psychology Today online article:
“I propose that we replace this law with a principle, the Principle of Attraction. This principle of attraction is an evidence-based phenomenon with a foundation in positive psychology, goal-achieving research, and mind-brain sciences.
How does a Principle of Attraction differ from a law of attraction? The principle of attraction states that “Like Tends to Attract Like.” Positivity usually attracts positivity and negativity usually attracts negativity. What are the consequences of adopting this principle?
June 19, 2019 at 8:40 am #299815
- An appreciation for the power of positive thinking.
- Positive people tend to have greater success in their career, higher salaries, better jobs, better relationships, improved health, and more altruism.
- In terms of personalities and fortune, like tends to attract like.
- Positive people tend to be surrounded by like-minded positive people.
- You cannot control everything that occurs in your life. Natural disasters and diseases may occur irrespective of your level of optimism.
- Helping those in need is beneficial for both the helper and the beneficiary.
- Aligning your thoughts, feelings, and actions with your goals, directs your brain’s reticular activating system (RAS) to sift through millions of bits of sensory information to focus on your goal. Thus, like often attracts like is a phenomenon that occurs within each of our brains, not due to a universal law.
- Adopting the concept of like tends to attract like, opens us up to visualizing the process, not just the outcome. We become more “present-minded”. This allows us to prepare for challenges and set up an action plan.”
Good luck. I also recommend getting out to socialize with people in person. This way you won’t feel that your whole social/love life is tied to online interactions. Group activities such as Meetup are great for that.
MarkJune 19, 2019 at 8:15 am #299809
Why don’t you just kick your wife out the home? It is not your worry if she has to figure out how to live on her own, to find housing. She is resourceful enough to find men to fuck. Let them take her in
I know it’s harsh but she made her bed and now she has to sleep in it.
MarkJune 18, 2019 at 7:54 pm #299735
If you want to keep your marriage then work on it. Love is a verb. The feeling of love is when you two were going through the stars-in-the-eyes emotional feeling phase. Now it’s work. It’s a day-to-day conscious focus. It’s like with your children. There are days when they are little shits but you still love them. You hug them. You tuck them into bed. You read them stories. You go to their school activities. It’s no different with your wife. Love is active.
You may crush on someone else. That’s understandable. We all have fantasies that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. We can project onto another person that she is more exciting and more desirable.
It’s your decision. This is what being mature is all about. It is knowing the difference between being infatuated with a fantasy versus wanting to do the sometimes hard work on a relationship. Court your wife again. Make a conscious effort to show/say that you love her. Take time to be present with her, to really listen to her. Give her a break from the children. I assume that she is the primary caregiver. Give her time for herself. Support her with her dreams, her hobbies. Have regular dates with her.
MarkJune 18, 2019 at 7:35 pm #299733
It sounds like your wife made up her mind. Best to physically separate, i.e. live separately and protect yourself financially and emotionally.
MarkJune 18, 2019 at 6:03 pm #299729
Is this guy an online relationship too? I go with that anita says, get to know him over time. No need to “like” him especially if you know him from only online. I have a prejudice of online relationships for communication/connection needs to be done in person for body language, vocal inflection, etc. make up almost 80% of human communication and understanding. Plus until you two actually are physically together and deal with real life disputes and situations, then your relationship has not really matured.