Forum Replies Created
September 22, 2019 at 8:50 pm #313677
This guy’s behavior sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. “Avoidants get easily overloaded with too much intimacy and need to regain their space and autonomy by moving away. When their partner gets too close, or stay close for too long, avoidants start to pull away.”
Look it up in learning more about it and how to deal with it.
How long did you know him before he asked you to be his girlfriend? How many times did you meet?September 5, 2019 at 4:24 pm #310515
I sense hostility from you to me. This feels hurtful. If that is your intention then please refrain from that here. I view this forum as a safe place. Thank you.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 11:02 pm #310361
Congratulations on this epiphany of wanting to get back to your True Essence.
I reminded about that trope, How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One spoonful at a time.
You can start by practicing by being mindful. This means to me is that you are aware of what is going on within and without; your thoughts, your emotions, your environment, etc. at the present moment. For each moment’s awareness, you can choose what you want to be, what you want to do.
For each instance, you can make a conscious decision to be a good person – whatever that means in the moment. Life is a series of moments isn’t it?
You seem to know or remember what that good person you want to be again so choose towards that.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 10:29 pm #310359
Good for you to find that out about yourself. You can tell him what you posted here, i.e. I realize that what I thought were romantic feelings were really my need for physical contact. I really would like to be friends. I hope this won’t be awkward between us for I value you as a friend.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 1:50 pm #310299
Thank you for that compliment Alexandria. Probably best you give me your DM app of choice and I can reach out to you.September 4, 2019 at 1:29 pm #310291
What is great about this website is that we can post about anything and the community is very supportive of the poster and can weigh in with some good wisdom. In your previous post, you said that you are almost 50 years old. As someone of middle age, I am puzzled on your interest about your cousin friend around this particular situation. What do you plan to do with all the opinions you solicit here? Are you going to relay all of views to your cousin friend? I am curious and puzzled.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 1:10 pm #310289
Your post says that your boyfriend and you were broken up when this happened. My understanding of what “broken up” means is that the two of you are not together which means to me that there is no relationship which means there can be no cheating.
Am I missing something?
Plus he was not conscious while getting felicitated and had legitimate feelings of guilt. You can hold him to your standards of honesty but in my view, this was a non-incident during a time when you two were not in a relationship.
I evaluate people based on their character, values and their track record of behavior. It sounds like this man is a decent person who tries to do the right thing. If you want to judge and distrust him based on this one non-incident then that’s your prerogative but in my opinion, you need to let that go and move on.
MarkSeptember 4, 2019 at 9:58 am #310265
You don’t think that your wife’s violent behavior is not sensed or known by your children? They don’t have to be on the direct receiving end in order to be traumatized.
You use your finances as an excuse to keep your wife and her lover in the same home as your family. You assume that it is you and your children have to move out. Why can’t you kick your wife out? I find it interesting you did not entertain that option, again that seems like victim mentality.
I know it is easy for me to say but you are reaching out to this community for advice, observations, suggestions, and sharing of our own experiences in order to best counsel you.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 11:16 pm #310223
Choosing the right therapist is like choosing the right girl/boy friend. Therapists are not all the same. Go forth and find the right one for you.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 12:31 pm #310173
It looks like you answered your own question after describing your schedule and availability.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 12:02 pm #310161
We see the world through our own lens. We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” – Anais Nin
Why can’t you take what your mother says at face value. I suspect this is a deeper story than what you have presented.
You don’t feel loved by your mother and this is more proof of that? Your mother does not really tell the truth to you and this instance is yet another example of that? That you see your siblings as the favorites and you are the poor child of the family?
View this as an opportunity to explore what really underlies those feelings of confusion and hurt. You have the power to change the story you are telling yourself and hence how you feel about it.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 9:57 am #310151
As it has been already noted, any “friend” who puts down, talks how lame other friends are is someone whose negativity and lack of integrity is part of who she is. That is not a friend in my opinion. I stay away from anyone who is so judgmental.
MarkSeptember 3, 2019 at 9:43 am #310147
This living situation is highly unhealthy not only for you but especially the children. You are setting an example of your willingness to be abused, put up with infidelity and financially enable her to do all this. You are playing the victim. If you have a son then he will see you as the model of what it is to be a man. If you have a daughter, she will see your wife as the model of how to treat a man.
I believe a lot of parents think they are doing the right thing by keeping the family together, not changing their situation. Rarely they look at the long term impact on children. There is a trade off between stability and handling an unhealthy situation by experiencing some pain and disruption.
MarkSeptember 2, 2019 at 10:38 pm #310091
I wonder from you not wanting to know about his romantic life is because you are ready to move on and not be involved with him anymore?
MarkSeptember 2, 2019 at 6:33 pm #310069
This is a great experience by adding to your wisdom in how to “do” relationships. It does not matter who wants the romantic relationship if it is so soon. Whether he or you saying you want to be boy/girlfriends and exclusive, the other person should throttle that back and take it slower. The proper response is “let’s see how we are after 6 months of dating.”
The two words that have high level of misinterpretation are “friends” and “love.” People rarely know what that means in practice and usually don’t have the same idea which each one means.
My suggestion remains: Go let him “go figure it out” while you move on by having a full life without him. If he comes back then you are responsible for taking upon yourself in pinning down what sort of relationship both you and he wants and what that looks like.