Forum Replies Created
August 18, 2019 at 2:16 pm #308499
I understand your frustration of not feeling you have made progress in yourself. I can only offer encouragement. I have felt similarly in the past with myself. Be lovingly patient with yourself. Have faith that you are getting healthier. It’s a lifelong process. Journal out your pain, your frustrations, your revised future life of optimism. I am sure when you look back on it, you will see how far you have come. When you are the midst of your pain and sorrow, it is hard to acknowledge you are doing better. Usually we wish faster and more dramatic progress but that is where patience, hope and faith comes in. This is where persistence comes in. This is where self love comes in.
MarkAugust 18, 2019 at 7:22 am #308439
This is a grown man who is responsible for himself. If he does not take responsibility for his actions, I doubt he will listen to you about his bipolar/violent behavior.
Good for you for taking steps to protect yourself and your child. Change the locks. This is your house correct?
MarkAugust 18, 2019 at 7:17 am #308433
I believe a lot of marriages get stale and being roommates is common for a lot of couples. Before considering leaving your marriage, I wonder if you have any hobbies? friends? Are you working?
I learned from my Compassionate Couples Communication class that we all have needs such as companionship and physical closeness. Ideally we would get that from our mate but not always. We do not have to depend on our spouse for meeting all our needs. Perhaps you can have that emotional closeness from others? The physical affection need is trickier to get met from someone else.
MarkAugust 18, 2019 at 7:12 am #308431
Are you back in therapy? It sounds like you need to reset for you are in the midst of being depressed. Yes, take one day at a time.
You are projecting out to a future that you constructed to be the worse case scenario. I recommend writing down an alternative future for yourself. Have a better one for your mind to stray to. You can even share that with us if you wish.
MarkAugust 17, 2019 at 1:43 pm #308385
Thanks for sharing this Peggy. This harks back to when I read Neale Donald Walsch’s book “Conversations with God” soon after it was published in 1995. The only thing I remember from it was that the only lesson we need to learn is to remember our own perfection.
For me, it is not about remembering but it is about connecting with my heart and my Truth that brings about what Burch is saying.
Burch’s list is still theory for me. The last paragraph is the one I relate to the most and is closer to what I am doing than the other ones.
MarkAugust 17, 2019 at 5:59 am #308337
I assume you are posting this because you are asking for help. In order to understand what sort of help you need, I need to find out more about you and your background.
You did not say how old you are and whether or not you live on your own. Are you a social anxious person? A highly sensitive person? A shy person? An introvert?
Is this lack of having friends a recent phenomenon? You had friends when you were younger?
It sounds like you are approaching your dilemma the right way, i.e. participating in choir, going to Meetups, joining bicycling tours, etc.
Can you pinpoint what is keeping you from creating friendships? Do you have acquaintances, i.e. people you can be friendly with and do things with on occasion?
MarkAugust 16, 2019 at 3:40 pm #308267
I want to add this excerpt from an article I found online:
“The most important thing we need to do to heal the emotional wound rejection creates is to revive our self-esteem by focusing on what we do bring to the table, whether the rejection was by a romantic partner, a prospective employer, or a neighbor,” Winch says.
Making a list of positive qualities you know you already possess can curb negative self-talk after the ego blow, and help you to bounce back sooner.August 16, 2019 at 3:23 pm #308265
You always have a right to your feelings. Your anger is understanding considering that he told you that he wasn’t ready for a relationship then turns around to start another one. It is natural to start comparing yourself against the other woman.
My take is that he is still looking outside himself to provide what he does not have, qualities that would “save” him. He still has his illness and still probably has not worked through his family issues. Time to cut him off and don’t look at his social media.
In other words, nothing about him has really changed that will make him a good partner for you (or probably for anyone else). Go back to therapy for wanting to kill yourself is not a good sign.
MarkAugust 16, 2019 at 11:12 am #308241
I would think any issue that is emotional would be more something that a therapist can help with.
What are his issues? What are his goals?
August 15, 2019 at 7:26 pm #308161
- This reply was modified 3 days, 10 hours ago by Mark.
Your feelings are based on unmet needs. Your need is for integrity, honesty and consideration and you are not getting that from your boyfriend.
You do not know how to stand up to someone who is disrespecting you so blatantly and openly? Respect yourself.
MarkAugust 15, 2019 at 1:05 pm #308121
You have shared your pain in every posting. I hope you are getting the support you are seeking, whether it is empathy or practical advice. I know it is easy to give advice and sometimes extremely hard to implement it. I notice whenever I read your posts; I get a sense of hand wringing, self hatred, overwhelm, some confusion, guilt from you. Coming from that emotional space, I can understand you feel absolutely stuck and cannot really take a step back and take action that you need in order to take care of yourself and your family.
I must say, reading this repeated theme in each post causes me to be really frustrated for it does not seem to change. That’s my issue. I will leave others to respond more empathetically since I don’t see you really able to do anything different.
MarkAugust 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm #308119
I am sorry for your depression and struggle to be ok with who you are.
Acceptance and even loving who we are is hard especially for women. Those people who take it upon themselves to comment on your appearance are clueless jerks. This does not reflect any caring or concern on their part. This is just none of their business. How to deal with this? You can Google that.
You can do anywhere to ignoring them to being sarcastic and saying “oh really? thanks for letting me know. I really got to get a scale/mirror.” to telling them “oh thanks. by the way, you really are gaining weight/lay off the cheeseburgers/you don’t look so healthy yourself.” to smiling at them and tell them to “F off.” You don’t need to be nice.
I know that this won’t help but I thought I put this out for you anyway: “An estimated 160 million Americans are either obese or overweight. Nearly three-quarters of American men and more than 60% of women are obese or overweight. These are also major challenges for America’s children – nearly 30% of boys and girls under age 20 are either obese or overweight, up from 19% in 1980.” So there may be a jealousy factor from such people who are commenting since they may envy your beautiful slender body.
Ultimately the long term “solution” is to be ok with who you are and what you look like. That is a process. You can also Google on how to love yourself, check out the Body Positive movement, and do the Loving Kindness Meditation.
MarkAugust 15, 2019 at 9:21 am #308103
It does not sound like your boyfriend is your boyfriend anymore. If he doesn’t have the guts to break up with you then you should. You’re dealing with someone who’s left the relationship already. There is no need for you should stay together.
MarkAugust 14, 2019 at 8:15 pm #308049
You have been in this for 7 years. For your child’s sake, don’t take long to take action to protect your child.
The research and consequences are well known. What is there to think about?
MarkAugust 14, 2019 at 4:14 pm #307941
I understand it is not an easy decision. I have read that most women stay in an abusive situation until they see their child/ren threatened or abused by their abuser then that is the final trigger to make them take action. Please don’t wait for that to happen and even he may never do that, there is what you are doing not only to yourself but to your child.
The behavioral responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or mother. They can become self-injuring.
Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away.
Recent childhood trauma studies demonstrate how observing violence has a lasting negative impact on a child’s brain development. Each year, nearly 60% of youth are exposed to violence in their homes, schools, and communities. Over time, exposure to violence during childhood is significantly correlated with negative outcomes; childhood trauma symptoms in adults can appear as psychological issues, adverse behavior, and serious illnesses.