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Seriously need advice, help me

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #331107

    Felix
    Participant

    hi, im really having a tough time here as i cant accept my height which is 5’5. In here this is the average height of woman and some woman are taller, as for men the average height here is 5’7 above. I just seem to cant accept this, as every time i go anywhere i have to wear thick sandals (increases 2cm) to be able to look taller than average girls and i also wear thick shoes every where i go. But the think is whenever i go to anyone’s house i feel embarrassed as i cant wear any sandals or shoes and if i stand in the wrong angle i even can be shorter than the average girls which is my friends.
    Some of my friends (boys) has a shorter parents than my parents and he is 5’7 which is taller than me, i feel this is so unfair for me that he is taller as he should be shorter than me. Idk why im this short, even my dad is taller than me i feel god is being unfair to me. Everytime i go anywhere i’ll always feel uneasy about my height as i cant accept it. I cant even attract girls with my height here as almost all boys are taller than me. My height is even shorter than middle school boys and i hate it. I just cant seem to take off this stressful feeling, i tried to think positive by trying to accept my height and be grateful but i just cant. I feel i cant attract anything with this height. I even thought that if i was given this height why not make me as a girl at the first place, as it wont be this stressful.

    my short height is i think due to me having an unusual eating habit than normal people as everytime i swallow i’ll have to use water to swallow it because i have a swallow trauma since a child and i also rarely have any appetite to eat so i only eat when im hungry, and basically here is not my fault right, as im born with this trauma. I also chew with my front teeth till now since i was a child as i dont rely on my back teeth as swallowing for me only requires water. So if there is no water i cant swallow. I know this is a weird habit but this is me, and it happens since i was a child and i believe its not my fault that this trauma is in me from the beginning which affected my short height. Very unfair to me.

     

    #331115

    Mark
    Participant

    Felix, You seriously need advice?  What sort of advice would you give yourself?

    You feel that it is unfair that you have trauma which you attribute to the eating habit you acquired which in turn being shorter than the average height of males your age.

    You stated this in your first sentence, that you have a hard time accepting your height.  What anyone says here cannot get you to accept who you are.  Only you can do that.  Men and women can tell you that your height is OK but will you believe them?  I suspect you won’t until you accept your self.  Are you willing to take steps towards that self acceptance?

    #331179

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You brought up new things in this thread and I want to respond to these:

    1. Nutrition in childhood affecting adult’s height: Scientific American has an article titled: “How much of human height is genetic and how much is due to nutrition?”

    In the article (you can google it), it says: “The short answer to this question is that about 60 to 80 percent of the difference in height between individuals is determined by genetic factors, whereas 20 to 40 percent can be attributed to environmental effects, mainly nutrition”.

    It also says there that the percentages (italicized above)  are different for different ethnic populations who live in different environment. For example, “In Asian populations, the heritability of height is much lower than 80 percent… 65 percent, based on a Chinese population of 385 families”

    This means that in China, about 35% of the difference of adult height between individuals is determined by nutrition in childhood, and 65% by genetics, while in a population of white men, 20%  is determined by nutrition in childhood, and 80% by genetics. For example: the average of adult height for a white man is 178 centimeters (about 5’10”). If you meet a white man on the street who is 183 centimeters tall,  five centimeters taller than the average, 80% of it, about 4 centimeters, was caused by genetics, and 1 centimeter by nutrition.

    The average adult height for a Chinese man is 170 cm. An Asian man who is 5 centimeters shorter than the average-165 cm, about 2 centimeters of that difference is due to nutrition, meaning if that man had better nutrition, his height would have been 167 cm.

    “The most important nutrient for final height is protein in childhood. Minerals, in particular calcium, and vitamins A and also influence height. Because of this, malnutrition in childhood is detrimental to height. In general, boys will reach maximum height in their late teens, whereas girls reach their maximum heights around their mid-teens. Thus adequate nutrition before puberty is crucial for height.”

    2. Difficulty swallowing, also called dysphagia: The Mayo Clinic has this about difficulty swallowing: “Difficulty swallowing (dysphagia) means it takes more time and effort to move food or liquid from your mouth to your stomach… persistent dysphagia may indicate a serious medical condition requiring treatment.. The causes of swallowing problems vary, and treatment depends on the cause”.

    A lot of dysphagia is caused by problems with the structure or function of the esophagus, it is called “Esophageal dysphagia” and it refers to “the sensation of food sticking or getting hung up in the base of your throat.. Some of the causes of esophageal dysphagia include: … lower esophageal muscle (sphincter) doesn’t relax properly… poorly coordinated contractions of your esophagus… a narrowed esophagus (stricture)…esophageal tumors.”

    It reads: “Difficulty swallowing can lead to: Malnutrition, weight loss and dehydration. Dysphagia can make it difficult to take in adequate nourishment and fluids”.

    The causes of dysphagia (difficulty in swallowing) in different individuals is different, but Malnutrition is a result in many cases. Because you suffered from dysphagia in childhood, it makes sense to me that you suffered malnutrition and didn’t eat enough of that protein that is needed to reach your maximum height, which would have been a couple more centimeters, I am guessing, you being now 5’5”, 165 cm.

    In summary: if you didn’t see a doctor lately for your difficulty swallowing, please do, maybe there is some new medical advancement in the area of dysphagia that can help you.

    (The rest of my input on the topic is in your previous thread of same topic).

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #331847

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for researching regarding my 2 problems which is my height and eating problems.

    I’m really sure that this eating problem is a factor for my short height, as i believe i actually can reach 5’7 but i did not.
    My eating problem i think its not of difficulty swallowing/dysphagia its more of afraid of swallowing/phagophobia i think, because when i was a child i was babysit by a maid and i always refuses to eat but she forces me which results in me vomiting and lead to trauma till today. After that incident i have difficulty eating, i always vomits in eating any food. I only eat porridge when i was a kid. Then at 7 years old someone asks me to try eating a rice with only a small spoon, when i try it im still afraid of swallowing then i try using a water to flush it in and it works. Since till now i always use water to flush the food into my throat, but it will lead me to frequently going to the toilet due to drinking a lot. I’ve done it for 13 years. And i also eat using my front teeth which results in a weird mouth shape will chewing and some of my friends make fun of it. Idk if this phobia can also destroy my hopes in finding a wife, as idk if girls wanna accept me. And also i have a short height. Im so done in getting a wife.

    Some of my friends said to me that you dont need to worry as ur parents have money and eventually you’ll get someone to like you. Yes its true my parents have money, our family can be considered “rich” but i still dont believe his words that i can get girls this way.
    In june, i’ll graduate and i’ll work at my parents company in which i’ll start at the bottom as an employee. In my parents company all the girls are older than me and im leaving uni so i wont meet anymore girls, im really frustrated as im not good at getting to know girls if i dont meet her daily. I’m also frustrated that just now i walk without any tall sandals/shoes to buy something and i really feel like a dwarf, its like everybody is taller than me even the girls.

    And i wanna reply my previous thread regarding to the girl that i’ll meet in the airport, i just found out that she’s taller than me. Lol i really dont know what to do now. It’s like im not given any hope

    #331849

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    For whatever it’s worth, 5’5′ is not that short for a man. A few years back I was friends with a man who was 5’3”. He is married now (to a woman who is shorter than him).

    You are welcome, regarding my research. I now understand, your difficulty eating and swallowing is not because of a structural abnormality but because of fear, a trauma in childhood, that of being forced fed.

    Interestingly, to me, you and I have this in common: we were both forced fed. I have no memories of it but I was told that I was forced fed as a baby, that I refused to eat, kept my mouth closed,  so my mother closed my nostrils with one hand, and when I opened my mouth to breathe, she pushed food into it with her other hand. I don’t know for sure that it is connected, but I have suffered for years with difficulty breathing comfortably. I hold my breath, I still do, this very morning.

    Forced feeding is a real life trauma that babies and young children suffer wherever there is no awareness by care takers that it is indeed traumatic

    I wonder if, it being a phobia, if there is a treatment, similar to treating other phobias for you, a gradual relearning of chewing with other than front teeth, and swallowing small pieces at a time with less water.

    This way of eating makes it possible for you to enjoy flavorful drinks, but impossible to enjoy any solid food, correct?

    anita

    #331851

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Anita, i’m really sorry that u are forced fed to which results in difficulty breathing every morning. Both of us didnt intent this to happen but it did and i still believe that this unfair treatment of something which is not our mistake and lead to something negative like my height.

    And you said that “a gradual relearning of chewing with other than front teeth, and swallowing small pieces at a time with less water“ is a method that i can improve on, and my parents also told me that i should do that, but now whenever i try to chew with my back teeth i feel pain as i never use it and it always gets dirty for being unused which requires me to wash my teeth at dentist every 6 months and they even thought that my back teeth is dirty due to smoking which is not.

    And yeah i only can enjoy flavorful drinks completely, i still can enjoy foods tho its just that i need to flush it into the throat with water so basically i dont know how to enjoy food like normal humans do.

    I also get your point that your friend with a height of 5’3 still get married with someone. But over the few years i still cant find girls shorter than me that im interested in, the faces that i find attractive is mostly taller than me.

    Im really thankful that you understand my food trauma as i hardly tell anyone about this. This trauma causes me to not have many much appetite on eating, that’s why i dont have many nutrients in me. Most of my friends just know that i eat very slow, they even tell me that if i find a girl i need to find a girl which is also slow at eating to be able to catch my eating pace. They just dont know that i have this swallowing trauma and it really hurts, and also that word lead me into realizing that this causes my short height.

    #331859

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    Thank you for your empathy regarding my forced feeding trauma, one I have no memory but of which I suffer as I am typing these words, still trying to breathe comfortably. I never communicated with another person who was forced fed, or who shared that he or she was. It is amazing how much we suffer and for so long from things that didn’t have to happen. And yet, we can’t change what happened.

    I am trying to breathe comfortably. One thing that helps me is to go on fast, long walks outside, my usual 3.5 miles a day. When I walk fast, I have to breathe, I don’t have to try.

    Regarding your chewing or eating, it is understandable that it hurts to use your back teeth, because you don’t have experience using them. Any progress on the matter has to be very, very slow and gradual. Just a bit of chewing with your back teeth to start with, let’s say two chews one day for seven days, then three chews the week after, and so you build endurance to chewing over time. If you could see a therapist or a doctor on the matter, to help you along this process, that will be best. And if your family has the money, it will be an excellent investment, getting a competent professional help so to adopt a healthier, more comfortable eating practice.

    Regarding my example of the 5’3” man, I also know of one man who is about 5’6” who married a woman who is about 5’7”, if that helps.

    anita

    #332099

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    You said “It is amazing how much we suffer and for so long from things that didn’t have to happen. And yet, we can’t change what happened“, yeah i agree with you but i still cant think positively regarding this and keep blaming god for the injustice that happened.

    Regarding your advice for my eating habits, i’ll try to practice chewing myself and if it doesnt work i’ll try communicating with my parents regarding if i need a therapist.

    Regarding my height, there’s actually quite number of girls shorter than me, not much but there are few. Actually there’s one girl i use to interested in and she’s way shorter than me.. like 5 inch only. It’s just that i havent get to know her but i have followed her ig and she followed back. She’s in the same uni as me, but im graduating soon. I’m still also having insecurities in getting to know girls outside my friend’s circle, it’s just that i always though that i have to blend in into the girl’s friends circle, and im not good at communicating so im worried they might judge me. Regarding this girl, one of my friend’s know her due to both used to attend the same club (organization) in uni.

     

    #332107

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “I can’t think positively regarding this and keep blaming god for the injustice that happened”- I don’t think positively about things that are negative. If it’s negative then it’s negative.

    There is very little equality and justice in the world and there is no god taking notes, no complaint box, or a suggestion box where you can place put your complaint and have god review it. Imagine a god is taking a piece of paper from that box, reads it and figures: oh, I didn’t know Felix was unhappy with his height.. let’s see.. 5’5” is too short for a  man, yes, I agree… yes, I made a mistake. Okay, five inches are coming your way, Felix! Next thing you know you get up from bed the next morning and you are 5’10”-

    – this will never happen.

    So there you are, 5’5”. Don’t think positively and don’t think negatively. Think realistically: what can I do? All you can do is what you have been doing: wearing certain sandals or shoes, a certain fashion of clothes, that’s all.

    Next, look at other aspects of your life: the chewing and eating- there is something you can do about that, slowly and gradually, preferably with a professional’s help. So  do it and your life will be better for it.

    Next, dating, a love relationship, if you care so much about being taller than the woman, then seek a shorter women. There are plenty of women who are about 5′, five inches shorter than you. You are self conscious about the way you eat- well, you’ll be working on it, but you have the option of choosing a woman who is also self conscious about something regarding her looks or habits. Maybe her hair is thin, maybe she has a facial tic. I had plenty of facial tics and still have some tics, so… what?

    You are not perfect and there are plenty of imperfect women out there, choose one! If you are more accepting of your imperfections, you will  be more accepting of a woman’s imperfections. You will feel so much better about your imperfections once a woman loves you anyway, and she will feel so much better about her imperfections when you love her anyway!

    anita

     

    #332897

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Right now im feeling better regarding my height, in the mean time i’m accepting my height now and starting to think realistically. I hope my mind wont stop thinking like this.

    As for the chewing and eating, i’ll try to do something to improve it

    As for the love relationship, right now as i’m starting to think realistically i make my mind to start try to be attracted to shorter girls than me, because before this i personally dont like the appearance of short girls as i like the appearance of girls at my height but due to my height i’m not confident with the same height. I used to think that their parents might immediately reject me when they see their daughter hanging with a short boy like me, this is wrong right? My parents always said to me that i shouldn’t be worrying about height, because as long as a man has money you wont have to worry, do u think its true? Because i think most girls that i knew have notice that i have a good financial, and i still cant get one (girlfriend)

    I’m happy as my mindset is getting better and better everyday, right now i’m thinking of trying to approach girls that i know as many as i can through instagram stories by replying their stories, do u think this is a good idea… well not immediately flirting but like try to get close to them as a friend. I really want to also try to reply the insta stories of a girl that is the same height as me, as right now im thinking of getting close to a few girls that i know and one of them is her with the same height. I always wanna approaching same height girls but i never have the confident.

    #332917

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    I think that it’s fine that you approach any single/ available woman you want to approach, just don’t get desperate, that is all. As is, you don’t have a girlfriend. If you approach a woman and she rejects you, then you still don’t have a girlfriend, same situation as before. In other words, when you approach a woman and get rejected, your situation is not worse, it is just as it was before, the same situation.

    So, thinking realistically, there is nothing for  you to lose if you approach any woman you want to approach. But be cool about it. Say to yourself: if she rejects me, no harm done, I was single before, and I am still single.

    If a woman responds positively to you, don’t get too excited, remain cool best you can, and go to the next step, one small step at a time.

    Regarding what your parents told you regarding women, money and height, clearly the totality of what they told you didn’t serve you well, didn’t lead you to find a girlfriend. So I wouldn’t consider what they told you or tell you still regarding finding a girlfriend.

    I hope to read from you soon, before or after you approach a woman (same height or shorter, doesn’t matter to me).

    anita

    #332999

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Regarding what your parents told you regarding women, money and height, clearly the totality of what they told you didn’t serve you well, didn’t lead you to find a girlfriend. So I wouldn’t consider what they told you or tell you still regarding finding a girlfriend.
    =So how should i approach this matter in a better mindset so i can have a better perspective of it? As i always thought that due to money i can always find a girl eventually, even some of my friends also said like that.

    I hope to read from you soon, before or after you approach a woman (same height or shorter, doesn’t matter to me).
    =Well it doesn’t really matter if same height or shorter, but if i still lack confidence with the same height do u think i should just be confident even if there is a more higher chance of being rejected? But the same height girl is going to university abroad to another country (she’s my junior in highschool) and im graduating soon and come back to my hometown to work with my family, should i try within this circumstances?
    As for the shorter girl, i dont really know her but i have followed her ig and have replied her stories before, do u think she might feel weird that a stranger text her? She’s in the same uni as me

    #333177

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    Part of what your parents told you is true: money is a big attraction for people, men and women, of course. But I figure you want a love relationship, not a financial arrangement. At the least, money should not be everything for a woman, she should care about… who it is she gets married to, not solely the man’s bank account.

    You asked me: “do u think I should just be confident..”- no, I don’t think you can choose to feel confident and then.. you’ll feel confident. It is not a matter of choice. What I wrote to you in my last post to you, that keep talking reality to yourself. Say to yourself: if she (whomever she is) rejects me, then I will be single just as I am now, no difference. This reality self talk may give you the courage to approach a woman even though you don’t feel confident.

    “do u think she might feel weird that a stranger text her?”

    How is it that you have her phone number, it being that she is a stranger?

    If you have her phone number and you are a stranger, or almost a stranger, maybe better that you give her a paper note with your phone number, asking her to call you, a short note that you will hand to her in person, when you see her.

    (I am not familiar with the etiquette of dating in the existing hightly technological world).

    anita

     

    #333407

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita

    So what’s the advantage of a boy that has more money?

    And btw what if all the girls i chase rejected, i know you said that if i get rejected i should just think that im back as i am now (no difference). What if most girls that i chase later on see me, and when they look at me they immediately think that there are a lot of guys who is much better than me (because they saw me as a lower tier guy). Like they think “ahh this guy, why would i date this kind of guy, even the worse are better than him”.

    I believe i can attract girls that is considered as lower tier, but even though i never attract girls, im also picky on girls that i want a pretty girl but most of them dont want me? Does this mean that god give me a sign to choose an unattractive girl/lower tier. I didnt demand a girl who look like a model, just a girl who is my type (a cute innocent type).

    #333419

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    If you don’t know “the advantage of a boy that has more money”, I prefer to not educate you on the matter because buying sex with money, buying a girlfriend with money, buying a wife with money are all ugly transactions.

    Regarding being a “lower tier guy”, looking or not looking for a “lower tier” girl, I suggest no longer seeing anyone as a lower tier, and instead seeing yourself and other people, men and women as of equal human value.

    anita

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