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lost myself..?

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Javairia 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #310329

    Javairia
    Participant

    Greetings to all,

    I’ve been struggling with my identity, lately. I don’t recognize the person inside me. I would look at the things I own and won’t recognize them. It feels like I lost myself.

    I’ve been thinking about how much I hate these certain people who’ve been friends with me for years, how I’d want to seek attention from just anyone, and all. That was never me. At the end of the day it leaves me thinking, “What have I become of myself?”

    I want to have myself again. The me that used to love everyone with no strings attached. The one who used to be themselves and did their own thing instead of running for attention.

    I feel so unfamiliar of myself that I feel paranoid sometimes. I can’t feel myself right now either

    Please help me with ,”How do you become a good person again?”

    #310361

    Mark
    Participant

    Javairia,

    Congratulations on this epiphany of wanting to get back to your True Essence.

    I reminded about that trope, How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One spoonful at a time.

    You can start by practicing by being mindful.  This means to me is that you are aware of what is going on within and without; your thoughts, your emotions, your environment, etc. at the present moment.  For each moment’s awareness, you can choose what you want to be, what you want to do.

    For each instance, you can make a conscious decision to be a good person – whatever that means in the moment.  Life is a series of moments isn’t it?

    You seem to know or remember what that good person you want to be again so choose towards that.

    Mark

    #310369

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    I am wondering if your loss of identity crept up on you gradually or if there was a traumatic incident in your life that left you questioning things.  Do you really hate your former friends – this is a strong word.  Do you still have friends that don’t fall into this category?  There is good behavior and there is bad behavior – people are rarely wholly good or wholly bad.  Focus on what good behavior means to you.  Friends usually combine a mixture of give and take.  Perhaps you have given too much in the past and not received an adequate amount of nurture in return.  You say you used to love everyone with no strings attached and now you don’t.  Does that mean that you didn’t expect anything in return for your ‘love’ and then at some point you began to want something back such as attention or recognition.

    I think you are perhaps being over critical of yourself – did that person who loved everyone else consider loving herself with no strings attached.  Do you love yourself without putting conditions on it.  Embrace yourself as you are today and love yourself unconditionally.  That person you don’t recognize inside of yourself is still you.  Make friends with her.  She’s there for a reason.  What is she teaching you?

    Find a quiet space, play some relaxation music and sit quietly with your inner self.  She’ll guide you gently to your true nature.

    Peggy

     

    #310379

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    Loosing yourself is a very real thing and it happens to the best of us.

    Try to look at it from a different angle, perhaps you are just evolving rather than loosing yourself. The thing about life is that nothing is ever for certain, things can change within a split second and with that in mind people do also change/evolve.

    In this process, it is okay to realise that certain friendships/relationships are no longer serving you. It is okay to go ahead and explore who you are in this present moment, what drives you, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.

    Changing doesn’t mean that you are no longer a good person as long as you yourself know the goodness of your heart and always act out of kindness. Otherwise sit with yourself for a little bit, ask yourself why the changes, what is your soul trying to get you to see..

    #310563

    Javairia
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you for your time. Like you said, maybe I need time to re-shape into what I want to be.

    Greetings,

    Javairia

     

    #310565

    Javairia
    Participant

    Dear Kkasxo,

    Thank you for the reply and reassurance.

    I struggle with loving myself and such, so telling my own self it is okay is quite a difficult job for me. But thank you!

    Best Regrads,

    Javairia

    #310567

    Javairia
    Participant

    Hi Peggy,

    There was actually an incident at the start of year. That event, probably, left some damage. Although previous traumas have never left me this weak.. i wonder why I couldn’t take this rough trough.

    And no. Sadly there is no friend of mine right now that I don’t feel distant with. It’s not them that are distant, it’s me who feels that I have no one to listen to me or understand me for who I am. I don’t feel good about anyone around me, and it’s not even their fault but mine.

    You’re probably right about me giving out too much and experiencing compassion fatigue. Like I said, it has never happened to me in the toughest of the times ehen I had to burn myself off, but now? Now it leaves me questioning.. why am I being so whiny or weak. Why do I crave this attention for nothing.

    Yeah, I might be too harsh on myself, but I was okay going that way. It’s just getting too hard to go on now

    #310581

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    Thank you for replying.  Your logical mind is saying that you were OK going that way but your inner feelings are screaming out to you that you were not OK.  You are not being whiny or weak and you are not craving attention for nothing.  This is you being human.

    You have written to Kkasxo to say that you struggle with loving yourself.  Let me reassure you that you are just as worthy of loving as anyone else in the Universe.  Loving yourself is the greatest and most precious gift that you can give to yourself.  Make this your number 1. priority and begin right now, today.  Look in the mirror at your reflection and say out loud “I LOVE YOU”.  Make this a daily statement.  Make a list of your good qualities, things you like about yourself.  There is a TB Forum under Fun where people are asked to post the things that they like most about themselves.  Read through the lists and note any that might apply to you – take inspiration and perhaps you can be brave enough to post your own list.

    I am listening to you and I am interested in finding out who you are.  Tell me three good things about yourself and three things that you enjoy doing.

    Also, can you describe the incident at the beginning of the year that caused you to become so upset.

    Thank You

    Peggy

    #310707

    Javairia
    Participant

    Hello Peggy,

    I checked out the ‘things I like about myself(?)’ just now. And it felt so good reading through people mentioning good things about them. It was very positive and beautiful.

    As you asked. I did my homework:

    1. Understanding. I try to see any good reason or understand the other person’s situation before saying anything mean. (Though, I know I must have hurt a lot of people still)

    2. Caring. I go an extra leap for people I care about (I’m still not very good at taking care of them though)

    3. Enthusiastic. I like doing almost anything. I’m energetic and enthusiastic (ok but I’m a lazy head too)

    Things I enjoy doing:

    1. Painting. I love watercoloring, and painting overall. My most favorite things are painting/ drawing birds and flowers. Art inspires me so much

    2. Origami. An origamist, Jo Nakashima, inspired me to try it 3 years ago and I still love it

    3. Spending time with people I like. Like who doesn’t? It includes animals as well! I have a pet chicken. His name is Backoo. I absolutely love this little boy’s company

    …Actually my brother attempted to commit suicide on 13th Feb this year. I felt so scared and helpless. Maybe that left me thinking I have no friends or such. Although, three of my friends know about my brother doing that. I don’t know why I feel like I have no one to listen to me or understand me.

    But thank you. It was so nice of you to take your time to reply

    Regards,

    Javairia

    #310713

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    Thank you so much for your reply – it has touched me so deeply.  You have given me three things that you really like about yourself and then have attached some words which indicate that you don’t think you are doing or being good enough.  I used to do that, then someone told me that my inner critic was sitting on my shoulder and so I learned to flick him/her off.  I became “good enough” and learned to love myself.  I’ve even written a poem on the subject in the hopes that somewhere down the line it will help someone else.  You have empathy (understanding), you help where you can (care) and sometimes you need down time (lazy).

    I love that you paint birds and flowers, that you see the beauty in nature and can recreate it.  I love that.

    Your brother attempting to commit suicide is enough to disturb your balance and lead you to question everything.  Your friends may not realize what an impact this has had on you, they may not realize just how scared and helpless you felt.  Those around you can feel just as helpless towards you as you felt towards your brother.  I don’t know what circumstances caused your brother’s desperation but I sincerely hope that he is and will be able to come through his terrible dilemma.  Keep reassuring him that you love him and will be there for him if he ever needs to talk.

    Keep pouring love into yourself, counting all your good qualities and show gratitude (a simple thank you) for the very many blessings you have in your life.

    Peggy

    #310799

    Javairia
    Participant

    Peggy,

    The “not good enough” has been exactly the phrase I use to beat myself up everytime. But I hope slowly by slowly I’d get better at flicking that inner critic off.

    Congragulations to you being able to overcome that! I would love to read the poem you wrote.

    I, too, hope he gets better. Thank you for the moral support

    Javairia

    #310805

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    This poem is just one of many that I’ve written to reflect my life story and my journey into healing, entitled Good Enough.

    How did I get here?  In this good enough space that I am filling, Sending out my good enough healing prayers, To be implemented by those who are willing.

    The principles of healing are simple enough, And the question to ask is “How”, How is it that you carry such fear?  When you are good enough to allow.

    Good enough to allow yourself permission, To replace all your fear with love, Good enough to receive a gentle reminder, In the guise of an angelic shove.

    Move over, fear, and give love a chance, To fill this good enough space, You’ve lived with fear for long enough, Now it’s time to show it your mace

    Give love a chance, pray, give love a chance, To fill your fearless heart, Be good enough for love to stay, And fulfill your heavenly chart.

    Peggy

    #310835

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javairia:

    From your May thread of this year, I figure the following: you are now 16 or 17, living with your mother and two older siblings. Your father left the home when you were about seven. “As long my childhood memories go, I’ve ALWAYS seen my parents fight”, you wrote there. And “When I was about 6 yrs old, my mom attempted to commit suicide right in front of me (and I was the only witness standing there”, you wrote as well. To top your less than wonderful childhood experience, you also “had these health problems since childhood.. back problem from birth.. kidney problems, eye sight problem and lots of fevers through my childhood”.

    About your two siblings you wrote then: One does drugs now, and the other one is a stupid bitch literally”. Your older brother attempted suicide the night of Feb 13 this year. You heard the what was happening but the next day you “went through the day .. as if nothing happened”.

    You have found out that talking to your mother or anyone else about all this is “of no use, they don’t do anything about that. They just listen and don’t bother.

    In these tough life circumstances, in your home, you took on a role: “I’ve also bore the responsibility of ‘good child’ who would support them when they’ll be depressed, who would pick them up first ignoring my own mental health, who would cheer them up.. who would always live up to take any responsibility there is to take because my brothers would never do that”. Outside the home, at school and elsewhere, your role is that of “the happy-go-lucky kinda optimistic person”.

    You witness your mother belittling herself, not having the “nerve to take a divorce or stand up for herself with courage”, you feel hate toward yourself, feeling that you are “not enough person”. Since you were 14 you have self harmed at times. “I only have anger issues with myself. I get angry at myself too often and harm myself”.

    Four moths after your first thread you started this thread with: “I’ve been struggling with my identity, lately”-

    My input today: your story shows me how strong a human being is or can be. It is amazing all that you experienced and still do, and yet, you are here to tell about it and still hope for a better life.

    Your identity is not the same as the role  you took on. Clearly you are not happy-go lucky. And understandably so.

    Back in May you wrote that you plan to talk to your guidance counselor at school but didn’t post after that, so I don’t know if you did make an appointment and talked to the counselor. Did you?

    Back  in May  I suggested that you look into possibilities of you no longer living at home, perhaps get such information from the guidance counselor, maybe moving to a group home for teenagers, supervised by responsible adults, getting psychotherapy or counseling in such a home. Did you make any inquiries on the matter?

    anita

    #310849

    Javairia
    Participant

    anita,

    (Apologies in advance for the poorly structured phrases. I’m not in the mood today to type out so..)
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I actually got to talk with her. She listened to me carefully and also gave me some time in summer breaks having little talks about it. I told her I wanted to see a therapist. She tried to find one for me, but unforunately there are no therapists available in our city. And I alone can’t go to another city for weeks or months for that plus leaving my studies. Her voice told me it can’t be helped.</p>
    Yes I askef her about all that. There were no eligible ways she could find for me. But she is optimistic about hearing from me sometimes. After that she said, ” Javairia, distract yourself for now. It doesn’t make problems into bigger problems. Your parents. You can’t fix it all. Focus on yourself and your future most importantly for now. After 2 years you’d be moving out for uni anyway. So I hope you bear through it until then.”

    After that conversation, time to time I need a friend who would listen to me. Just understand me. I even opened up to 2 of my friends last months. That desire is somehow leaving me question my identity. As to why I’m craving for attention from these people who are not even my frirnds. Or why do I don’t feel good with who are already my friends(including the ones I opened up to). Have I become the worst version of myself, or a hideous monster out of my personality?

    I didn’t post because I’ve been running into these dilemmas. When I crave to just be listened and understood for who I am(i’m sorry i’ve used this phrase a lot for now), it makes me question my identity. “What have I become of myself?” “I don’t recognise myself” everyone would say it’s just part of change. Cheer up! It’s the good part of process. Those responses scare me too. If this change doesn’t feel good then it’s not for me. I’m aware of that. But what else i don’t know the next part. I don’t know then what..

    Anita, thank you so much for your considerate response, and time you put into it. I hope you the best

    Javairia

    #310853

    Peggy
    Participant

    Dear Javairia,

    Are you really so angry with yourself?  I can’t believe that you have been through so much with your mother and not received any help.  Your siblings also seem to be suffering their own traumas which probably began for similar reasons to your own.  You have been carrying the weight of your mother’s own depression leading to at least one attempt on her own life, which you witnessed.  What harm do you think that did to a 6 year old child and who do you think got the most attention?  Your mother.

    I’ll come back to you later when I stop being so angry on your behalf.

    Peggy

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