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Kkasxo

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 519 total)
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  • #368460
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Ah how I have missed you!

    Congratulations on the job, promotion & the new man of course! (I’ve waited over two years to say these words and I am overfilled with joy).

    Like you have said, try to stay present and accept the chaos right now. It’s all taking you to where you need to be. I am so pleased for you.

    My mama bear is actually flying in first thing tomorrow with my little sister (to sit indoors with me and quarantine for two weeks) but nonetheless at least she’ll be here! So excited!

    Life for me on this end is so stale at the moment. I’m in a job that I’m not really coping with it is THAT busy – but money.

    Mr A is same old, guess we’ll just waste a little bit more of one another’s time haha – I honestly have to laugh at it all now. Gotta trust that one day this whole chapter will make sense!

    Oh & I got a kitten some time ago now, baby Nala! She’s my absolute world, the most loving little baby in the world. Sooo I think I’m on a journey to accepting that the inevitable is I’ll become a single, crazy cat lady!

    #368459
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Your entire post just now reinforced everything I already thought about you. Albeit I don’t know you in person but you definitely don’t come across as a fuckboy or a player. Just someone who has gotten lost in their ways. Don’t forget, that putting yourself out there on any media platform has its reprocussions. It’s a world of opinions, some you will agree with, others you’ll be astounded by – but they are opinions at the end of the day. Like my opinion, you can take it all with a pinch of salt.

    I don’t think you’re fundamentally a bad person. I think you have a lot of growing to do and from what I read, you’re already on the right path willing to work on it. Mistakes are a part of who we are and there’s a lot of self forgiveness required in this life – something I’ve personally had to deal with too.

    I do think that at this time, it wouldn’t be fair for you to pursue B again in a romantic manner. I agree she deserves an apology, for her sake like @Shelbyville said but that is all at present. You’re still on a journey. And until you crack that unworthy idea in your head and work it all out, you’re always going to go back in your ways eventually. Things may be good for a while until something happens and you feel insufficient again and it all falls apart. It isn’t fair on your or her or anyone else for that matter. It’s not to say that you can’t or won’t be able to ever reconcile with her, who knows, maybe that is a possibility. But you come across as a reasonable man who has acknowledged their wrongs and I think you’d be wise to see that you wouldn’t want to end up in the same situation again, potentially hurting someone you very clearly care about again.

    Be raw in your apology, be the authentic self she always saw you for – whatever the outcome may be. But also be aware that it will likely bring up a lot of emotions for her, perhaps not great ones.

    Put yourself aside in this situation for just a moment and think about this person that you care about. What is best for her right now?

    #368441
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Welcome to the thread & I hope you get at least some insight from the responses you receive.

    To be honest, your story is not uncommon in the slightest. And it’s quite sad actually that you think so little of yourself that you truly believed you were B’s passing time until she finds someone more ‘worthy’. Why are you not worthy exactly? Because A couldn’t see your worth and left?

    I think it’s great that you have taken the time to look deep into your own self and what drives you to do these things. Ever heard of the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ – well it couldn’t be truer. You hurt B because you were still hurting and not healed from your experiences with A. I think what you have to learn from that experience is that you really need to sit with yourself and figure things out before you go ahead and get another D, E, F.. involved in your life.

    I think an apology is due for sure. Maybe an apology followed by some perspective to B. It by no means excuses your behaviour but maybe it will offer her some reassurance that she was indeed worthy. Because sounds to me like you left her feeling exactly how A left you feeling at the end of the relationship – and that’s not fair.

    I don’t think you’re a fuck boy. I think you’re a little lost and in need of inner work – like the rest of us. You clearly also need to stop listening to the lads because let’s be honest, your growing body count isn’t making you truly happy is it? And swiping left right on tinder isn’t going to make you happy either.

    Learn from this. Heal what needs healing. Work on yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes and the rest will follow.

    #368363
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    I really do hope it helps. I first hand know Trauma and all of the effects of it, it sucks so bad. But yes, tackle the anxiety and it should hopefully reduce the nausea yet.

    @Sammy,

    I need to really play some catch up on your story, I have read through the most recent post but I guess I haven’t got the background insight. Although my initial non biased, unaware of the situation response – do what feels right for YOU. I am a great believer of doing what your heart, soul, mind feels is best for you at that time. It may not be a great choice for the long run but maybe it is one you needed at that time.
    It’s a strange one you see, for me anyway. Mr A and me are ‘okay’. It has never been the same in all honesty. And somehow the okayness of it all has made me linger in this situation for so long because there isn’t anything wrong per say. But it isn’t love like it used to be either. We feel more like a 50+ year married couple who just kind of put up with one another haha! I used to give myself so much grief about making the choice to reconcile with him. But in hindsight, I realise I was extremely vulnerable, broken, in the worst shape I have ever been in my life. I was traumatised, lost, going through extensive therapy, adjusting to life with all of the effects of PTSD, not eating, not sleeping, not knowing who I am – and he was the only person on the planet who knew, who somewhat understood. I needed him at that time. My soul needed familiarity, needed comfort. So I think sometimes we just need to be a bit easier on ourselves when it comes to these things..

    #368298
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    I got your notification so hopefully that has fixed things and I will now know when you guys tag me in posts!

    Unfortunately, there’s not much advice that I can offer. Nausea and anxiety are generally just bleh. The main thing to do is to target the anxiety and that in turn should eliminate the nausea – if it is indeed linked. Look after yourself, do breathing exercises. Remind yourself that you are not in danger, that it is just your mind playing tricks on you (I know it isn’t easy, something I still battle with often about the most random of things!)

    But it is all a learning curve. Eventually you’ll figure out exactly what works for you. For me it is counting to 10, reminding myself to breathe, trying to be present in the moment rather than letting my mind wander elsewhere and some good guided meditation which you can often find on YouTube, they have some wonderful videos!
    Also, journaling!! It is so underestimated. It is such a good release of thoughts, ideas, feelings and anything else that may need release from your mind to paper!

    I hope this helps x

    #368166
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hello all,

    @Shelbyville, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so rubbish lately! Honestly all of the notifications keep going to my junk inbox so I never know when someone communicates with me – I must find a way to change this!

    I am okay. I am feeling the frustration around this whole virus now. I’m realising that it is putting a hold on so many things I want to do and wasting time I’m never going to get back (or don’t really have). I was meant to go back to the homeland only last week to see mum but couldn’t because of work & quarantine. Little silver lining is she will be coming on the 31st just to chill for two weeks on quarantine, but at least she will be with me – I miss her oh so much!! I miss the freedom of just being able to pop to her for a coffee, even something as small as that. Other than that I feel like I am going through some sort of evolution moment. Manifesting what I want, trying to let the universe guide me to what I need and take the pressure off myself for not having it all figured out. The pressure and anxiety of being ‘behind in life’ is hitting me more and more. So I am trying to just give myself a break.

    How are you? Like really, how are you? What is new please?

    Girls I’m so sorry, my page isn’t loading properly I can’t tell who messaged recently with regards to PTSD, please @ me if you need a chat xx

    #367611
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Sammy,

    How very sweet of you to look back and put the pieces together. Who would’ve thought a stranger could have such an impact on another.

    Thank you so much. I am feeling overwhelmed, overflowing with love and just a whole load of emotions right now. My birthday has definitely been a wake up call and one to remember this year.

    Sending you all love, light & strength.
    @Shelbyville, thinking of you x

    #366888
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Your tags have been going to my junk! Looks like I have quite the catching up to do >.<

    Life has been so meh on this end, the best way to put it.

    Anxiety, PTSD and hopelessness is kicking the absolute shite out of me recently. One of those ‘episodes’ again.. but we’ve got to keep moving forward, even if it feels like we’re exactly where we started and nothing is actually moving forward.

    I will try to catch up over the next few days and come back to you.

    In the meantime, sending you big hugs as always x

    #364341
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @ Shelbyville,

    Dont be silly! Nobody expects a perfect, fairy tale happy ending. I for one am of the belief that life is all round pretty shitty with snippets of happiness… I sound like a real party pooper but it’s my truth anyway! Do fairy tales even exist? Probably not, life is a ‘journey’ haha! I should put a stamp on that word the amount of times I have used that.

    I think with the new job prospects and dating and just generally, you are sounding a lot more confident and that ‘comfort zone’ is getting bigger and bigger. Although change will always feel scary, I don’t think you realise just how far you have actually come! The Shelby I know was afraid, this Shelby is shaking BUT still ready to conquer the world – so lovely to see that! My soul is a little lighter hearing from you and how much you are growing and learning and healing!

    I think you are right. I think I needed Mr A at the time. Maybe to some extent I always will, after all a lot of history and trauma bonding although beyond comprehension is a real thing. But I am definitely more aware now. I was in absolute despair then. I feel a bit more woke now. So the journey continues.

    @Tim oh how I would’ve used and abused that male advice some time ago! I would’ve done anything for a male perspective on things! Nonetheless, thank you very much! Who knows, maybe I will take you up on that sometime 🙂

    @Lucie, that definitely does sound like panic attacks. I think therapy was a major major major part of my healing. I didn’t really see it then, and especially not during my therapy as I mostly hit my lowest at that point. You know when they say it gets a lot worse before it can get better? That was me. Therapy was painful – that’s the easiest way to put it. There were times I avoided going and really just wanted to end it there and then because it was too much! I didn’t know how to cope. But I’m grateful I persevered because it really did make a world of a difference and to be honest, saved my life. Therapy taught me how to not avoid my feelings. Because that’s what I did, distracted myself away from the triggers, kept busy, pretended I was okay when really I’d research how to kill myself in the quickest way possible. Therapy made me feel less alone, it gave me the knowledge that I am not the only one suffering. That I’m not actually weird, or broken, and that these are all human responses. It made me love my body and soul for creating these responses with the aim to protect me.  Once I finished therapy I was able to put everything I’ve learnt into practice and that’s actually when the real journey began. Identifying my triggers, learning about myself all over again.
    If you read back on some posts you’ll know that sleep was and still sometimes is a major thing for me, that is usually when my flashbacks happen and then I eventually just refuse to sleep to avoid them. I’d rather be exhausted than have my brain exhaust me with painful flashbacks. Whilst I’ve never been on medication and hopefully won’t be in the future, I do take supplements, Serotone 5HTP occasionally, particularly when I’m having a bad ‘no sleep’ episode again and I’ve found them to be really really helpful.

    i would really recommend you visit the MYPTSD forum, it was a God send when I couldn’t understand what was happening to me!

    #363651
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Change?! Although this can be terrifying, I didn’t get that vibe from your post! Maybe a little apprehensive but excited?! I hope it is good change?! I hope it is positive change?

    How is work? How is that guy you were seeing that you didn’t really think you were ready to see, but he was lovely? Did anything progress there in the end? How are YOU?

    Don’t worry about feeling overwhelmed. It’s a whole (nearly) two years later and I’m still kinda all over the place! Granted not completely down in the gutter & actually living rather than keeping alive but still lost in some sense. That bloody journey eh!

    The famous Mr A eh. This has become the most annoying topic of my life to be quite frank haha. Whilst he’s still ‘around’ it’s circumstantial more than anything. I think getting back together was probably the biggest mistake I could’ve done, as I often wonder how I hindered my own progress BUT things were different then, I needed him. I needed him to process everything that I couldn’t fathom on my own. I’m in a different place now, maybe that’s why it’s a lot easier for me to just be like ‘Oh well’

    I guess what is life if not a bunch of bad decisions, regrets and what ifs amongst small moments of joy & happiness!

    #363649
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    PTSD is an asshole of a disease, if you’ve followed this thread for a while you’ll know that I called it a ‘life sentence’. It really is a completely life altering experience.

    Obviously, I don’t know your story, your trauma, how long you have been suffering etc and that’s okay, but what I do know is that from personal experience I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

    When I first got PTSD I was in complete denial. I was at the lowest of the low, no longer ashamed to admit that I was very much suicidal for many months. In fact, even though at the time I knew things were awful, it’s only now I look back and notice that my dear friend sacrificed her job and her actual life to actually keep me alive at the time. I was a very lost person, and that’s the best way I can describe it. I literally had no idea who I was anymore. I didn’t recognise myself, my behaviour, my outbursts, why I did the things I did. And in some sense, I’m still lost. I’m still trying to figure it all out, I’m still trying to learn and grow.

    BUT, yes there is a but! I am not where I was then, and that in itself is a blessing! And I remember, being the person on the receiving end having had enough, without an inch of belief that it will ever get better, reading all these people advise that it WILL get better and I didn’t believe it. I thought maybe I just didn’t have it in me to get better. But, it does get better.

    What once kept me sleepless for weeks on end, now haunts me once every few weeks. The triggers, reminders, actual physical pain, it’s a lot less intense. You really learn about what works and doesn’t work for you.

    It is a journey. And one hell of a spiral one at that. There is a lot of pain before there is any form of release, I won’t say happiness as I still haven’t felt this for many years. You have to learn to face your worst nightmares before they no longer hold over your life. Putting boundaries in place. In doing so, you eventually learn to live day by day with this ‘altered life’.

    #362905
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville, oh I am overjoyed indeed!
    Your message has lit up my day! I am so so so glad to hear from you!

    Please do not apologise! If anyone knows journeys, it’s me. And I know these journeys can often mean different things at different times. Sometimes something may be your life line, other times that same thing may no longer serve you. I am glad that you did what you felt was right for you at that particular moment.

    I felt terrible that I wasn’t as active as I had wanted to be at the time and reading your last messages before you logged off for some time broke my heart a little. I too felt like I hadn’t been there for you at that time. I am so pleased that you have checked in. As strange as it may sound, over the years you truly have grown to be a dear friend and I value you and the time that you have spent communicating with me. Crazy or not, I lived for your messages too! Feels like we have been through such a whirlwind together!

    I hope you are well. I hope your soul feels a little lighter. I hope your smiling. I hope life has been treating you better. And I always always hope to hear from you!

    #362400
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville, Dear Friend,

    I do hope that you will see this one day. I miss you and your wise words! I hope you are keeping well and seeing better days!

    Lots of love! x

    #348562
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    I hope you are keeping well! I know our communication has been somewhat sparse in the last weeks with all the changes to our lives, the lack of jobs, the ex’s (or in my case Mr A) still causing havoc to our lives so long after.. but please do not disappear on me now.

    Albeit online but I consider you as a dear friend. You have truly been a rock to me in this journey and actually have been closer to me than a lot of people when I was figuring my way out with PTSD. I value your time and effort and the kindness you have shown me for the last nearly two years! I really do want you around so please please keep on keeping on!

    How is everything at the moment? I know this quarantine stuff can be extremely overwhelming. I know it has been for me on most of the days where I miss my family so much and just the normality of life. Did your test results come back? And most importantly, how is your soul feeling at the moment Shelbs? How are you really feeling? I am still here and still very much want to continue our communication.

    #346754
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville & others,

    Sorry sometimes it notifies me of your posts and other times it doesn’t! Ah Shelbs, honestly I feel your pain in what you write. I am right there with you. Although I have been so withdrawn from the world recently I want to cry but I can’t. I did get quite ‘drunk’ the other night though having had enough of this whole situation and managed to have a little cry session – great release!

    Like you, my mental health is defo taking a toll now with the isolation. I’m completing week two, or is it three? I really can’t remember anymore. Nevertheless, I miss my family so much and wish I was stuck indoors with them. Quarantine life has definitely revealed to me that me & Mr A absolutely cannot share so much time together.
    I am counting down the days until this is all over. Until I’m no longer worried for my family. Until I can see them and hug them again. And until I’ve got my freedom back to do what is best for me and to enjoy life the best way I can.

    In the meantime we are just going to have to ride this out and support one another.

    I hope your test results come back soon and you will have some clarity. I am sending you lots and lots of lots of hugs, and love and light! We’re going to be okay!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 519 total)