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Kkasxo

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  • #372469
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hello all,

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    I am here (as is Mr A) as I have contracted Covid and now we are stuck together until the 18th of Jan at the very least. Honestly I have to laugh, as at this stage it seems every time it’s time for him to go, something happens.

    I’m just spending time resting and watching a load of Netflix but I hope you are all keeping well. @Danny, congratulations mate! I’ll have a proper read of the whole story when I’m better but so so so proud of you! Wishing you and the Mrs-to-be a whole load of understanding, compromise, patience and of course a life time of love!

    #371879
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Ah I’m so pleased for you! Things are finally starting to come together for you just how you wanted them to and I can’t believe you’ll be a bachelor no longer – yikes! Can’t wait to hear all about the engagement, I bet she’ll be sooo shocked!!!! Just goes to show when you know you know 🙂

    I’m surviving hehe. First day back at work today is killing me slowly but at least I’m working from the comfort of my home so silver linings!

    Mr A is still here, purely out of the kindness of my own heart but we had another discussion last night (which turned sour as it always does) and I urged him to seriously consider his living arrangements as we are slowly coming out of the festive period now and movement needs to be made. Sad but true. I am SO tired of him now, it’s a very strange feeling because somewhere deep down there is so much love for this man but he has absolutely drained the living life out of me and I physically can’t take no more. We have wasted 5+ years on this, I haven’t got any more time to waste on his empty words and promises, they mean nothing. So I will keep pressing for him to sort himself out and go.

    Btw, those are some good questions you asked yourself! That’s a good exercise! I might do it myself!

    #371428
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Bless you, we haven’t been communicating for very long but a part of me feels like you’re my actual ‘bro’. Maybe the Londoner thing, maybe close in age, who knows.

    I am actually proud of you, if no one has told you, I am proud. Of how far you have come as an individual, as a man, of how much work you put in for your own personal growth! I’m here for it!! I’m so glad that you have left the lads behind so to speak and did what you believed to be best for you. And here you are talking about being a bachelor not much longer, soooooo here for it!!

    My family is unfortunately not in the country. They moved back to our home country back in May and we’re going to come for Christmas. Then my Nan got sick and likely this will be her last Christmas, so they were going to come for 3 days on Christmas Day instead but now with all the travel restrictions it’s looking unlikely. Mr A is still here but really only out of the goodness of my heart. His stuff has been packed since last week or so and he was on the way out. But me being me, I offered a helping hand understanding that it isn’t an ideal time for it all and perhaps he needs another week or two to make the necessary arrangements to leave – I’m fine with it. I feel like I’ve cried so many tears for this man already I physically haven’t got any more in me. As heartbreaking as it is, ultimately, he showed me what love isn’t. Even if I still do love him.

    I am just ready for a fresh start now. And yeah I think you’ve read me just right, I couldn’t think of anything worse than entertaining any other situationship right now haha. I probably won’t for a very long time because in all honesty, I’ve kinda given up on the hopeless romantic that I am.

    I think the last few weeks have been ones of solid realisations. I really am not asking for anything out of the ordinary. And I definitely deserve much more than this.

    Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas also x

    #371418
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Sammy, sorry love I’d only just seen your post. I’ve found myself down in the gutter more often than not recently. Old habits die hard and I have completely shut myself out away from everyone once more. I have such an intense need to talk, cry, scream it all out but at the same time really don’t want to communicate at all. I am lonely but want to be alone. Most of all, I am so friggin sad for me. So sad for the woman that I am and everything that I have been through that I really didn’t deserve. It honestly sucks. I didn’t deserve to have my life shattered in this way. To live with trauma and suffer with PTSD as a result. To wake up with heart racing like I’m going to have a heart attack. I didn’t deserve any of this. Particularly not at the hands of the man that ‘loved me’. Life really is just a load of sh*t right now.

    But I can’t wait for this to be all over. For this whole chapter to be over. This year. Everything

    #371417
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Apologies for going awol. Really going through the motions of it all at the moment. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent most my days over sleeping, barely functioning with shattered eyes and a heavy soul. Life, or at least mine, has a tendency to mess up big time in one go. I guess this time is no different as everything around me seems to be falling apart, not just the relationship with Mr A.


    @Danny
    , I must say I am proud of you. You sound like a man who has really done the work and a man who truly values what he has. Luckily, the girl saw potential in you and has given you a second chance. I’m pleased for you and I hope you do right by her and find your happy ever after.

    I too hope that one day a man shows up for me in the same way you have shown up for her!

    Until then, I am going to spend time trying to work out what I want, who I am, how my past has changed me and how I can deal with that moving forward.

    I hope you all have a lovely week ahead of Christmas! Tier 4 or not!

    #370441
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVEEE!!! Wishing you the absolute very best of everything. I am so pleased to hear that the Mr is spoiling you rotten, my heart is full for you!!!

    Don’t worry about the short post, short & sweet. I myself have been going through the motions but I am pleased to say I am oh so proud of myself and the woman I am becoming.. how I’ve handled some situations the last few weeks – thank fu** for growth!

    #370041
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Sammy, proud of you!!! That’s honestly all I can say. Because that takes strength and a whole load of courage – so kudos to you!

    Thank you for all your kind words guys, I see them all. I’m actually going away to stay with a friend this weekend for a overdue girls night. All the way in Southend too so looking forward to an evening walk by the seaside, water has always calmed me. Get away from reality even if it’s just for a night..

    #369843
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Ah you have no idea how pleased for you I am. You got there in the end. You are loved. You are happy. You are flourishing. I love to see it! You finally got to where you wanted to be. The new BF sounds like he is doing wonders and I’m so glad that you have got someone like that in your life.

    Try not to stress too much about work (I know it’s easier said then done as even my job is exhausting at the moment) but work is just work. Keep doing what you’re doing. + I am so proud of you for hearing about your boundaries and you prioritising yourself against all odds. Your family will soon adjust to this change, they just need time, it isn’t something that they’re used to particularly as you are someone who would happily drop everything just to be there for the people you love.

    There has been so much good advice on here the last 2+ years, I’m not sure why I’m just incapable of accepting it to be honest. I genuinely believe that Trauma and my PTSD has made me a cripple. I am so sad at my own self. I am clearly quite unhappy & yet so afraid and so unprepared to make any change. I’m terrified in all honesty. Over the last three weeks or so Mr A and I have been having real cut throat conversations. Last night he said he would move out by the weekend.. whether he actually will or not is a different story but I am lost. I really wish that those two years ago he never came back, I wish that I accepted he walked away and that was that. Now we’re stuck in a rut of no one wanting to make the final call, not really sure how to go about it even if we do. How do you just move out from a home you’ve shared? Do I go out whilst he packs and leaves and then come back to emptiness? Do I help him back and have our goodbyes and watch him leave? It’s too much for me in all honesty. I feel like although I have already been and gotten through the worst, that I won’t be able to get through this – it hasn’t even happened yet and I already can’t deal. I’m waking up everyday with crippling anxiety unable to even work. Ugh. Why am I like this?

    So all in all, I’m still the same old Kammy. And oh so disappointed in myself.

    #369712
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    OK, so I have briefly caught up on your posts and my thoughts are as follows..

    I think you’re definitely on the right track in terms of ‘making amends’. I say making amends what I mean is giving yourself the opportunity to let go of the grief surrounding this relationship and also giving this girl the clarity and ‘closure’ that she deserves after everything that’s happened.

    It’s nice to read that you guys had a nice chat and spent some quality time together, almost reminiscing on what was and what could’ve been. Who knows where it will go from here. You very obviously care for her. And with that you want the very best for her. The only thing I would urge you to ask yourself at this very moment is whether the very best for her is you, right now, in this moment, amongst the chaos of your self discovery..

    And to be honest I could be projecting here or I could just be sharing a female point of view picked up from personal experiences..

    This post has gone on for over two years now and me and Shelby have been communicating for a long time so I’m sure you haven’t caught up exactly on my situation (somewhat different to yours as there is trauma involved) but yet similar in ways.. And I for one wish now years later that Mr A didn’t come back into my life. I write that with an actual lump in my throat because it feels so weird throwing 5+ years with this man away like that. BUT in hindsight he was not ready. Till this day he is not ready. He wanted to make amends. He wanted to prove me wrong. He had the best of intentions (I believe) and when push comes to shove he cannot pull through because at the end of the day, he is who he is and this is the current situation, that will not change.

    Like yourself and this woman you are in awe with, me and Mr A had a very gravity pulling relationship. We were head over heels in all aspects of the relationship, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.. He was my actual best friend. We were very much committed and in love. But life unfortunately wrote its own scenario and shit happened. And I can honestly hold my hands up and say that no matter how much ‘love’ we have for one another nothing has ever been the same since. We reconciled. We moved out together. We made amends. And to cut a story short, we live like flat mates who don’t even like one another and just get by because we have to. And yet we still love one another. But what we had and what we have now are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. Without going on about this for too long, the point I am trying to make is that HAD Mr A been ready, really been about everything he said at the time of reconciliation, I believe things would be very different now. Maybe we could still be in our little love bubble. Instead we spent the last two years tarnishing the beautiful memories we made the first time round… Probably caused more damage than good. It’s oh so easy to get caught up in the ‘I’ve made a mistake, I’ve learnt my lesson, this is what I want, I’m ready, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work…’ but it’s not as easy to pull that through once the novelty wears of and the relationship goes back to basics. To the core of you and the core of her. Particularly when you’re on a journey of self discovery.

    With that in mind that is why I ask, chemistry aside, what you would like the outcome to be aside, what you think you have become on this journey aside, what you THINK you are ready to right now in your despair to get this connection back, to make right your wrong doings – Are you the best thing for her at this present moment?

    #369710
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    I am! Not far from Kings Cross actually 🙂

    Still haven’t caught up on your posts as yet but will do as soon as I get the chance and come back to you.

    My friend dragged me out for a hot choc at Alexandra Palace tonight. What a view. And it was nice getting out of the house & into some form of normality for a change!


    @Shelbyville
    , miss you! Hope you’re keeping sane and well! X

    #369679
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    I’ll catch up on your posts over the weekend and come back to you. But having a quick skim read I’m getting a good vibe & howdy neighbour 😉

    #368460
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Ah how I have missed you!

    Congratulations on the job, promotion & the new man of course! (I’ve waited over two years to say these words and I am overfilled with joy).

    Like you have said, try to stay present and accept the chaos right now. It’s all taking you to where you need to be. I am so pleased for you.

    My mama bear is actually flying in first thing tomorrow with my little sister (to sit indoors with me and quarantine for two weeks) but nonetheless at least she’ll be here! So excited!

    Life for me on this end is so stale at the moment. I’m in a job that I’m not really coping with it is THAT busy – but money.

    Mr A is same old, guess we’ll just waste a little bit more of one another’s time haha – I honestly have to laugh at it all now. Gotta trust that one day this whole chapter will make sense!

    Oh & I got a kitten some time ago now, baby Nala! She’s my absolute world, the most loving little baby in the world. Sooo I think I’m on a journey to accepting that the inevitable is I’ll become a single, crazy cat lady!

    #368459
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Your entire post just now reinforced everything I already thought about you. Albeit I don’t know you in person but you definitely don’t come across as a fuckboy or a player. Just someone who has gotten lost in their ways. Don’t forget, that putting yourself out there on any media platform has its reprocussions. It’s a world of opinions, some you will agree with, others you’ll be astounded by – but they are opinions at the end of the day. Like my opinion, you can take it all with a pinch of salt.

    I don’t think you’re fundamentally a bad person. I think you have a lot of growing to do and from what I read, you’re already on the right path willing to work on it. Mistakes are a part of who we are and there’s a lot of self forgiveness required in this life – something I’ve personally had to deal with too.

    I do think that at this time, it wouldn’t be fair for you to pursue B again in a romantic manner. I agree she deserves an apology, for her sake like @Shelbyville said but that is all at present. You’re still on a journey. And until you crack that unworthy idea in your head and work it all out, you’re always going to go back in your ways eventually. Things may be good for a while until something happens and you feel insufficient again and it all falls apart. It isn’t fair on your or her or anyone else for that matter. It’s not to say that you can’t or won’t be able to ever reconcile with her, who knows, maybe that is a possibility. But you come across as a reasonable man who has acknowledged their wrongs and I think you’d be wise to see that you wouldn’t want to end up in the same situation again, potentially hurting someone you very clearly care about again.

    Be raw in your apology, be the authentic self she always saw you for – whatever the outcome may be. But also be aware that it will likely bring up a lot of emotions for her, perhaps not great ones.

    Put yourself aside in this situation for just a moment and think about this person that you care about. What is best for her right now?

    #368441
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Welcome to the thread & I hope you get at least some insight from the responses you receive.

    To be honest, your story is not uncommon in the slightest. And it’s quite sad actually that you think so little of yourself that you truly believed you were B’s passing time until she finds someone more ‘worthy’. Why are you not worthy exactly? Because A couldn’t see your worth and left?

    I think it’s great that you have taken the time to look deep into your own self and what drives you to do these things. Ever heard of the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ – well it couldn’t be truer. You hurt B because you were still hurting and not healed from your experiences with A. I think what you have to learn from that experience is that you really need to sit with yourself and figure things out before you go ahead and get another D, E, F.. involved in your life.

    I think an apology is due for sure. Maybe an apology followed by some perspective to B. It by no means excuses your behaviour but maybe it will offer her some reassurance that she was indeed worthy. Because sounds to me like you left her feeling exactly how A left you feeling at the end of the relationship – and that’s not fair.

    I don’t think you’re a fuck boy. I think you’re a little lost and in need of inner work – like the rest of us. You clearly also need to stop listening to the lads because let’s be honest, your growing body count isn’t making you truly happy is it? And swiping left right on tinder isn’t going to make you happy either.

    Learn from this. Heal what needs healing. Work on yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes and the rest will follow.

    #368363
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    I really do hope it helps. I first hand know Trauma and all of the effects of it, it sucks so bad. But yes, tackle the anxiety and it should hopefully reduce the nausea yet.


    @Sammy
    ,

    I need to really play some catch up on your story, I have read through the most recent post but I guess I haven’t got the background insight. Although my initial non biased, unaware of the situation response – do what feels right for YOU. I am a great believer of doing what your heart, soul, mind feels is best for you at that time. It may not be a great choice for the long run but maybe it is one you needed at that time.
    It’s a strange one you see, for me anyway. Mr A and me are ‘okay’. It has never been the same in all honesty. And somehow the okayness of it all has made me linger in this situation for so long because there isn’t anything wrong per say. But it isn’t love like it used to be either. We feel more like a 50+ year married couple who just kind of put up with one another haha! I used to give myself so much grief about making the choice to reconcile with him. But in hindsight, I realise I was extremely vulnerable, broken, in the worst shape I have ever been in my life. I was traumatised, lost, going through extensive therapy, adjusting to life with all of the effects of PTSD, not eating, not sleeping, not knowing who I am – and he was the only person on the planet who knew, who somewhat understood. I needed him at that time. My soul needed familiarity, needed comfort. So I think sometimes we just need to be a bit easier on ourselves when it comes to these things..

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