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February 15, 2020 at 4:55 am #338422
Hello Shelbs! Happy Valentine’s Day to you!!
I’m not doing too great, you can probably tell by my complete of lack of communication. That is throughout to be honest, my friends are wondering why I’ve gone awol again too but in all honesty life is just a little much sometimes.
The place I’m working at is extremely demanding and very exhausting mentally.. I found myself the other day having to lock myself in the toilet for a couple of mins at a time for a little breather. Although I couldn’t even get that as I was having terrible flashbacks – ah good old PTSD!!!!! I’ve never had it happen in the day, only at night which would keep me awake all night so this was news to me, I didn’t quite know how to deal with it in all honesty.
To be honest, I’m not good. I’m better than I was yes, but I am not good. I’m not happy. I have no purpose in life, I am floating from one day to the next with no idea where I am going. I’m incapable of making any real choices and decisions around my life. Ugh.
I am currently laying on my sofa watching Netflix with a banging headache whilst drinking a cup of coffee – nothing new this end unfortunately.
how are you? How is the job hunt going?January 26, 2020 at 2:10 am #335128
Apologies for the recent lack of communication. Work is draining to say the least. I’m out of the house for 12 hours a day and it is an extremely mentally draining & demanding job so I don’t even have a moment to myself whilst at work and once I get home it’s shower, cook, bed – what a life eh?! Back in this shitty rat race. Honestly that’s one thing I absolutely hate about this country! Is that you are expected to work such long hours and basically have no life only to be scratching your make ends meet!
That partnered with the trigger date/anniversary coming up next weekend again has pushed me to take some mental health evenings after work and just complete shut off. Yesterday was quite bad actually as I seem to be doing okay most days until my PtSd kicks in full frontal and it honestly feels like emotional/mental abuse – except it’s my own brain doing it to me. So that happened yesterday which I then in turn cancelled all my plans and sat there completely withdrawn from the world. @shelbyville – clearly right there with ya with the flight response!
I’m trying my hardest not to let myself dwell because it’s very easy to get in the cycle of ‘see! I’m never going to get better no matter how well I seem to be doing I always end up here’ but there ya go! Also feeling rather strange lately in a sense that I’m coming to some sort of realisation that actually I’m ‘floating’ through life. I’m not actually living, like purposefully walking through my life. I’m just doing. Working, cleaning, cooking, trying to get back to friends etc etc but my soul is so distant from it all.
So once again, apologies for going awol!
@michelle, it is definitely freezing here in the UK. I actually feel like I am coming down with something as a result. My family actually haven’t left yet, it seems packing their life up and going back home is a little more complicated – and I think a big part of that is my mum wanting to extend her stay here just to make sure that I’m doing okay and settled.. so their official date has moved to July of this year once my little sister finishes the school year. And to be honest, I am so grateful and so happy about this because I honestly cannot quite picture them not being here…
@shelbyville, how are you getting on?January 9, 2020 at 3:03 pm #332355
Evening all and a very happy new year to you!!
Gosh I sure hope this one is better, it has to be right?!!
I’ve spent this evening pondering on how far I’ve come in this whole journey. I had a lovely conversation with a friend who seems to be on a journey himself and it made me realise just how far I have come and how it really is a blessing that I am still here. And actually @shelbyville, having read through your last in-depth post with the lovely words you gave to Genie, I really don’t think you give yourself enough credit because YOU have truly come a loooooooong way!!! Goodness me! You have done so much since your split in May. You have lived, you have thrived, you survived each and every single day. Even the way you speak of your ex now, albeit the heart wants what it wants yes, but the wisdom in your words, the whole aura is just different. Honestly, I am incredibly proud and pleased for you because you have come such a long way.
One of the major things I am working on is trying really really hard to remain in the present and to not discourage myself on a bad day, a set back does not mean I am at square one, it doesn’t mean that all the internal work has gone to waste and I have to start again. It’s harder than it seems, but it’s the truth. Shelbs, when we first got in touch back in 2018, we were so so so broken, or at least I was. Now it’s not to say that some parts of me aren’t shattered now, I think some will be deep wounds for the rest of my days, but can I say I am struggling as much as I was then? I’d like to think not… I think we both need to work on recognising this as an accomplishment. Also, remaining in the present, not very good at that one to be honest! The past seems to take me either to a nostalgic place, missing the innocent and gullible girl who believe the world was all good prior to my trauma, or to the darkness that took over my life during/after my trauma, reinforcing every negative thought in my mind. The future? Well that’s no good either because I am soooooo afraid of failing. I’m afraid the kind of future I want is out of reach for me, that I’ll run out of time, or I’m making the wrong choices and it just won’t happen to me – it’s a mess. But being in the here and now, we’ll right now in this present moment I am okay. I am healthy, I am warm and cosy in my bed about to watch a Netflix series, I’ve enjoyed a nice dinner, my mind isn’t running in overdrive, I really am okay.
Ive received a job offer which I am supposed to be stating on Monday. It isn’t my dream job at all, and they are offering longer working hours and less money BUT having been searching since October I will take anything I can get right now.
How is your job search going now in 2020? And how are you? Like really, how are you?January 2, 2020 at 4:45 pm #330847December 12, 2019 at 6:52 am #327225
How are you? I hope things are feeling slightly lighter now?
I just got the news, I haven’t got the job unfortunately. It’s hit me really hard as I was really betting on this – finances are a real struggle right now, ive never been in such an unfortunate position, so I would literally do anything right now but it seems it just isn’t meant to be. I can’t even count the amount of applications I’ve sent off now and it seems I’m not getting anywhere. Ugh.December 5, 2019 at 6:27 pm #326233
Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.
I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.
In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!
I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.December 4, 2019 at 3:21 pm #326049
You remind me of myself in so many ways – in regards to the idea that you couldn’t possibly hurt him even though he caused you a huge amount of pain. To be honest, as much as it can be a weakness it also shows the goodness of your heart and who you truly are as a person so good on you!
I do think although he may have had the best of intentions, he didn’t quite think this one through and actually he should’ve held back from the ‘good guy’ ideology and just left you well alone, seeing as he made that decision some time ago! It’s quite cheeky that he feels he can still have access to you to boost his ego when he feels it’s appropriate. Nevermind, we keep going and moving forward. That was yesterday and today is another day. I’m sure it’ll leave you pondering for a little while but try to focus your energy on something else, I say try because I know how hard doing actually is.
I completely hear ya on the professional front. I was EXACTLY the same. I’ve been looking since October so for two months I did not receive not one response from anyone. When I look through my Indeed/Reed apps etc I have over 200 job applications so it was a really really tough pill to swallow. The confidence takes a real knock, maybe I really am not good enough, even just as an employee?! But things will turn around. I’m blaming the uncertainty of brexit & the new upcoming vote on the quiet of the market at the moment. It’s extremely stressful but just try to keep applying. What kind of industry did you work in previously? Is that something you want to stick to or would you prefer to branch out into something new?
Also, mmmmm running far far away sounds great! I’m right there with ya!December 3, 2019 at 3:19 pm #325895
Sorry I promise I’ll respond to the rest shortly BUT what?!!! He actually text you?!
How do you feel about that?!
I remember Mr A tried to do things like this also when we were apart, granted we never went more than sort of a week or two with no communication and even then I thought it was cheeky. To go on a whole 7 months cold turkey and then send that text message…. hmm.
I do recall you saying quite a few times though that he always tried to be the good guy and do the ‘right thing’ etc which didn’t always pan out the way he may have wanted but that he always had the best of intentions. I wonder what he may expect from you at this point because he’s just really thrown a spanner into the works hadn’t he. I don’t know if he realises he may have done more harm than good by trying to make this ‘right’ move…
Are you going to reply?December 3, 2019 at 2:51 pm #325889
Yes I definitely hope I did well as the job is literally ideal. I have also managed to get myself two more interviews too (one on Monday and one I’m waiting for confirmation) so I’m just pleased things are finally moving in some kind of direction! I’ve been applying since October and it was literally radio silence until last week!
On another note, we’ve been invited to a family wedding in May 2020, my older cousin back in my home country. I was speaking to my beloved Nan on the phone today and I honestly adore her to pieces but hearing the banter between her and my mum about me and never getting married etc was so heartbreaking. In a nutshell they agreed this would be the last wedding in the family until the younger kids grow up (my little cousins who are 16 and 13) so I’ve just been skipped all together because of how much ‘marriage just isn’t on the cards for me clearly’.
Whilst it’s harmless banter it really was very bittersweet for me to realise I think that not only do I believe my life is a complete shambles, clearly my family do too.. So double the disappointment eh! Great! It’s sent me off onto a bit of my downer, the type I tend to get to when I’m super unhappy about where I am in life and how it’s gone in the complete opposite direction of what i truly want… so meh all round!
I’m planning to just chill out the next few days. I’m going to a concert on Thursday night but in all honesty I’m not even looking forward to it anymore which is a shame.
I hope you had a nice day enjoying your birthday though! You honestly do deserve it 🙂 did the new guy wish you a happy birthday? Do you genuinely believe that you can have a platonic friendship with him despite him developing some kind of feelings for you?December 3, 2019 at 2:33 am #325763
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Wishing you a year full of healing, a happy and rested soul, plenty laughter and adventures and for all of your wishes to come true!!! This WILL be a good year!!
Gosh, my interview! I spent the entire day sooooooo nervous I visited the loo 7 times! Haha! I’ve gotta laugh at it now! But I went and the director who was interviewing me made me feel instantly relaxed, in fact we actually had a really really good talk and laughed through most of it! So I think it went really well! He did mention that he’s seeing a few more candidates next Monday and that he’ll be making a decision then! I’m hoping that I get it as work atmosphere is really important & he really smashed it in that department! It’s also pretty close to home which is great! So now it’s just the waiting game!
How are you?!December 1, 2019 at 11:38 am #325475
Eeesh my heart stuttered a lil reading about your recent perfect job interview process. I’ve been there before & I know just how gutting it actually is, I think it’s why I’m so afraid for tomorrow! I woke up in the middle of the night last night in panic thinking it’s Monday in a couple of hours and that I’ve got an interview – so anxiety is definitely high! In all honesty, I just cannot wait for it to be over and done with now. I keep rationally telling myself that the worst that can happen is that I’ll be unsuccessful and then never have to see the man again, but the ego will be hurt regardless eh! I suppose I’ve done what I can, I’ve read up on the company, written down some of my experience that applies to this job (as a reminder) have come up with some questions that I can ask the employer, bought a new outfit, now I just literally have to take it till I make it as you say! Please definitely send some good vibes & positivity out into the universe for me tomorrow because I am sooooo nervous!
I hear ya about the new guy. The thing about romantic interests is that you just cannot fake it. If something isn’t there it just isn’t there, even if on paper the person ticks every single box on the ‘perfect partner’ list we all have in our heads. It is a shame but if you genuinely didn’t see it progressing into a deeply romantic relationship, then I think you did the right thing for both yourself & him too. I do think it’s also easy to get caught up in the cycle when you’re receiving some well deserved attention from someone, when you feel cared for, when you’ve suddenly got someone to spend your free time with etc. I feel as though sometimes we push ourselves to remain in those situations (even if we know they won’t go anywhere) because it’s better than actually being ‘alone’.
But despite still thinking of your ex etc I think you should be extremely proud of yourself. I really do believe that these last few months have been a soul searching experience for you. So much so that you have actually made a conscious decision to do what’s best for you and end things with the new guy – kudos to you for that!
I definitely do think we both deserve some kind of break! Life has been a whirlwind for over a year now eh?!!! Gosh. Surely 2020 will be easier right? I mean surely there must be some peace and bliss left in this life for us?!
Have you got anything nice planned for your birthday at all? &&& hang on, are you a Sagittarius or Capricorn? (I love me some astrology!)November 30, 2019 at 2:13 pm #325385
Hey chick! It’s nice to hear from you! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet myself, things have just been so stressful on my end with finances etc. I’ve been looking for work since October and it just seemed like nothing/no one was getting back to me which then kinda killed my self confidence a little, I won’t lie. In any case, I’ve got an interview on Monday and I am sh**ting it to say the least as I’ve not done this in about two years (also cause I am super desperate for this job) so I hope it goes well! Other than that I’ve kinda been keeping myself to myself, evenings under the blanket & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!
How is your temp job going? Are you enjoying that it’s something festive & different? I’ve always enjoyed a temp role because there isn’t that much pressure as you know it’s not long term! Also, sorry to hear about this new guy! What made you come to that conclusion in the end? How comes you decided to end it completely? Was the spark just not there?November 21, 2019 at 12:27 am #323849
Nice to hear from you! How’s it all going? Did you manage to get a seasonal job in the end?
Unfortunately no luck for me on this end! Money is running tight now too & with Christmas round the corner it’s all stressful at the moment!November 3, 2019 at 2:41 pm #321191
Yes it’s definitely not nice not having an income. I think slightly different for you as you spent your well earned money on a life-changing trip whilst I’m literally sitting at home, forever cleaning & cooking and absolutely rinsing every single Netflix series there is because I am simply bored! && yet the rent and bills aren’t going to pay themselves (although Mr A has been great & is very much taken on the role of ‘provider’ lol).
It is actually interesting that you mention the whole idea of maybe I might be preventing my own self from being happy despite ‘thinking’ that a relationship & commitment is actually what I want…. it’s definitely something I might explore. I think one of the things that I kinda noticed only a year or so ago is that my relationship with my biological father may have had some sort of knock on effect on my romantic relationships in my adult life. I think the fact that he was in my life up until I was 18 (that was his unconditional love for me right? The father to child love right?) and then disappeared without a trace with absolutely no need/want to be a part of my life… I think that hit me hard and perhaps sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel that. It’s something I never quite understood but nonetheless moved on from and it definitely isn’t something I think about often anymore. But I do believe that all the happenings around my trauma and the way Mr A left at the time felt very much like just another man who I trusted with my absolute life has decided I’m no longer good enough, he’s ‘done his bit’ and now he’s out. And with that I just cannot trust him in the way that I did before maybe? Im not sure. They’re all just notions aren’t they… I do think another thing for me is like we’ll be okay and then the future thing, that God damn future notion, it really is an issue!!!! We can go on and on and on and be absolutely fine and then I’ll get random spurs of OMG I NEED TO PLAN MY FUTURE! What are our plans?! Where is this going?! Are we on the same page?! And I read a beautiful article on Instagram actually that I really related to, and it said; ‘You can’t win an argument against your true nature, there is no wrestling your soul into a space with no growth and you cannot tell your spirit that she’ll have to wait because you are in love’… and that really resonated with me. Perhaps yes I really do want this to work by any and all means but my soul is just all round rejecting it because ultimately I cannot contain or restrain who I am at the core of me. I want what I want and that is just it. And the longer I try to excuse why it isn’t happening, or come up with reasons to remain in a place that isn’t actively working towards those things, the more my soul will keep pressing and the more random outbursts of panic I will have….
I understand the thing about not necessarily being alone but not being entirely happy and utterly head over heels in love. I do wonder though, is there absolutely nothing romantic that you see or could see in this guy? Forgive me for assuming because of course like anything, everything is always more complicated than it seems but some of what you say does sound like fear talking. Like you may indeed be cringing at the heart on th sleeve thing. Ultimately, you enjoy this guys time, he clearly makes an effort with you, to make you smile etc. Maybe at this stage it would be best to just take a relaxed approach to the whole thing?? Enjoy your time with him as you have been and let things pan out how they are supposed to without overthinking? I know it’s easier said than done!!November 3, 2019 at 11:07 am #321119
@shelbyville it is oh so nice to hear from you! For a second there you had me worried that something had happened on your travels, welcome, lovely to have you back 🙂
Ah anxiety, the dreaded anxiety eh! Don’t I know it all too well! Although I would say allow yourself to feel it all because it is another transitional period in your life now where you will be settling back into ‘reality’ so to speak, and the job search etc. I won’t lie, I’m on the anxious side of things also with no income as I’ve been out of work since the end of Sept now, eeeeek!! It’s not as though I’m not actively trying, I am!! I am continuously applying and speaking with recruitment agencies etc but I think it is just a tough time of the year for hiring with Christmas approaching etc? I don’t know. I really do hope that I find something soon.
Do you have any idea what you may be looking for in terms of work now?
Things with Mr A are the same as have been. Actually to be honest, I realised the other day that I couldn’t actually fault him because he is trying beyond belief. He’s so cautious and taking into consideration my anxiety, my mental health state etc, it is A LOT to deal with. He’s absolutely got his hands full with me (not purposefully) and it’s actually kinda admirable in a way…. but on the other hand I can sit and almost appreciate it but still feel like something is missing? I love him, no doubt, but is this it? I couldn’t say. In fact, I’d probably say I highly doubt it. Perhaps there are some similarities in this to yourself & your ex with the exception that I am clearly not capable enough to make the bloody decision!! It’s so frustrating! Although I do think that there are several factors that play a part in all of this, perhaps comfort, perhaps some feelings of love, history maybe? Or maybe fear? Maybe the idea that my trauma has completely changed who I am and maybe I am just waaaaaaayy too difficult for someone new to come in and understand etc. Who knows. I really really don’t.
Oh and to add to the equation, my childhood friend and bestest friend (the one who stuck by me through all aspects of my trauma) has just gotten engaged and is completing her purchase of their first home together this month! My heart is absolutely overjoyed for them both but I wouldn’t be lying if I said it was a little bittersweet.
So I guess in a sense things are a little bleak on my end too. No job, an up and down relationship, I have no idea what I really want. Or maybe I’m just incapable of working towards what I want? Or maybe I’m just one of the unlucky ones?
Tell me some more about this guy! You’re enjoying his company so he must be doing something right?! Also I’m happy that despite the history with your ex, the heartache and the worry that you’ll be alone, have been proven (and fairly quickly too!) that there are indeed men out there who absolutely cherish the ground you walk on. Do you think this could potentially turn into something?