Menu

Kkasxo

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 483 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #312975

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Lovely lovely words of advice this evening.

    Very much needed as it appears I’ll be leaving my job at the end of the month too. I had quite the row with my boss today, well not so much on my end but very much on his end. The last few weeks at work have been a nightmare and I sensed that something was off, whilst my gut feeling was there I genuinely do enjoy my job so I chose to hold it out but one of my bosses let a little too much information out of frustration today and to put it lightly we ‘agreed’ i’d be leaving at the end of the month.

    Again not ideal at all with the flat and all, my birthday approaching and breaking the news to my family wasn’t nice but nonetheless, is what it is.

    So anxiety is at full pelt having to think of interviews and starting again and new beginnings and why my life really is such a mess?! Why the hell can something just not go right for me?! Honestly, I am so sick and tired of everything that life has been throwing at me and being the black sheep of the family, chasing stability but it is running further and further away from me. Honestly i’d love nothing more than to meet you at the airport next Tuesday and head to Sydney with you! In fact, I might just put my life over here on hold for a little while too and wander off somewhere myself.. clearly there’s not much holding me here anymore.

    Something needs to shift for me Shelbs… I need to figure it out.

    #312881

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning Michelle,

    Lovely to hear from you! Yes I can imagine how much you have to squeeze in before you head off for your travels! Although I can imagine it’s also a nice time away and probably lovely seeing everyone when you get back!

    You’re probably right in saying that making a choice is more powerful. Actually, it’s something my mother said to me recently when she came to visit! She spoke of mortgages etc with Mr A and I sort of brushed off the idea like ‘no we are in no position for such a big commitment together right now’ and she went on to say ‘darling, if you’ve made a decision to reconcile with him then it cannot be half hearted… otherwise you are just wasting your own time in the uncertainty’ and it is true I suppose.

    I’m actually going to sit down and do a list of the pros and cons of staying with Mr A and see if the paper thing springs some things into action for me. I’ve always been quite a logical person but when emotions, mental health etc are involved your rational thinking can often be clouded so it could be a good exercise to do!

    I’ve promised myself that my 26th year will be all about pushing myself out of my comfort zones and learning to trust myself again – I think I lost that post-trauma and it has made making any decisions 100% difficult.

    #312575

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Evening ladies,

    A tougher one for me today. I am finding myself pondering more and more about my life, my past, my trauma, all the pain that I’m very much still harbouring and the uncertainty of the future I so very badly wish for. It’s heavy.

    On days like these I feel completely lost. Like I know there are decisions, options and directions but I am unable to go with any of them. Like there should be hope but there isn’t enough for me to hold on to. Like I should be able to handle everything but do I really have enough strength when I think I am so exhausted my strong has run out?

    Its so frustrating because how do you even help someone who is stuck? I know I am not physically stuck yes, but it certainly feels that way.

    In a sense I wish some kind of busy would appear in my life, something that would somewhat drag me away from the situation I am in and physically show me that there is more to life..

    It probably doesn’t help that I am coming down with something and look like rudolf the red nose reindeer!

    Sorry for the rant! How are you ladies this evening?

    #312429

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby it’s so nice to hear from you!

    Firstly, whilst change can be scary and overwhelming it sounds like things are shifting at full speed for you and that smells to me like a whole load of new experiences and ways into potential happiness! So I’m glad to hear that you are trying to keep yourself out of your comfort zone and trying your best to embrace the chaos of it all & the trip with your dad sounds lovely! I always think my family & I don’t do enough of those! Perhaps an idea to put into practice. What’s the latest on the travel plans?

    Just on a side note though, I know the pain associated with the ex may still be intense but you have no idea how proud I am of you from this end. There is a massive shift in you since you’ve made the consecutive decision about work and travels and just generally going forward! I am glad at least one of us might just be in a different headspace by October eh!

    In regards to Mr A, our values are somewhat aligned, goals on the other hand though clearly we can’t agree on those. & there is still an awful lot of resentment, anger, disgust almost directed towards his family members who I literally cannot stand… the toxicity of these people and the fact that they go on about their lives when they didn’t even bat an eye lid at ruining mine, it can quite easily send me into a frenzy. I try to do my best to ignore these feelings and not let them come at me on a daily basis but they are still something that is reoccurring. Whether it’s linked directly to trauma, PTSD or simply just a normal human response it still takes effect.

    It’s so crazy because I genuinely think I know what I need to do but yet there’s this underlying little ray of hope that’s like well what if things are different?! But I think if anyone should know that things never just magically become different it should be me and you Shelbs!

    Nonetheless, at the moment we are still in the flat etc so no decisions are being made just yet. I need to learn to not be so hard on myself and accept this as just one of the many mistakes that I’ve made and that’s all.

    #312043

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    I agree, everyone has their own timelines and there is absolutely nothing wrong with women choosing whatever they think is best for them regarding their fertility! My mum had her youngest aged 40! It is possible of course, just not something i’d actively consider for myself. I’ve always been the type of woman to yearn for a home and family.. I’ve been ‘broody’ so to speak since I can remember haha!

    That is some interesting questions you are asking though, and actually it is putting things into perspective for me when looking at things from a different angle.. Do I think he’s ready to be a dad? No I don’t think he is. I think he is truthful in admitting that he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the next few years. I don’t doubt that he would be a good dad regardless, but yes he just isn’t in the space right now where I feel he would be able to cope with the situation, the responsibility, having to support me etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly ready right now either and I if roles were reversed and he pushed for trying right now I’d have to politely decline BUT in the same way I am planning for the future and I’d like to think that 2020/2021 is a good time for me to consider having children.

    I think in a nutshell the more I explore all of the areas regarding this relationship, the more I realise just how much is missing? I don’t know if that’s the way to put it… Perhaps there are core pieces to this relationship that are lacking with no real sign of resolve. Which is indeed a shame as on a general note, we are okay. I think maybe we just outgrew one another? At some point in our relationship his steps forward stopped and hung about in that same spot until now, I slowed down for a little while in the hope that eventually he would catch up but now he is so far behind and I’ve began walking forward again.. And yet the heart breaks the same at the thought of us not being together. Its so frustrating isn’t it this up and down!

    I actually found my diary the other day which I lost in the process of the move and I journalled loads in there, wrote weekly motivational quotes etc. And I flipped through to my birthday week and on the day wrote a note, ‘Chapter 26! Are you better? Are you happy? Are you loved?’ I remember writing that note a year ago, when I was writing it I thought i’d be in a completely different place this time next year! And instead I sat there thinking, Are you better? Kinda, Are you happy? Umm, kinda? Are you loved? Kinda?! I’ve got to make sure that chapter 26 is a different one for me.

    Shelby, are you okay!? How are you enjoying time off of work now? Did you manage to resolve things with your sister?

    Look forward to hearing from you x

    #311783

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Regarding your father, yes I think generally the majority of men do need a little push sometimes. I think its just their relaxed nature, perhaps a lack of the ‘ticking time clock’ that us women have that leads them to believe they have all the time in the world, because they actually do. Whereas women are a little more under pressure, if a family and children is what you want then there is going to come a time where sooner or later we will all have to say okay we’re running out of time here, now’s the time.

    But it is definitely one thing having to give someone a push and another when they are straight up saying ‘No this is not the way I see things for myself’. Either way, like I say it is okay for him to feel the way he feels. It’s just at this point in time it isn’t okay for me, for us so to speak as I am on a different page.

    I think I am okay Michelle. My heart obviously breaks at the thought as it would but I just keep reminding myself that I have lived through something that near enough killed me, I have been through the worst and I am still alive and breathing. it may hurt, tear me apart etc but if that isn’t proof that I can get through it all then what is?  I HAVE to be okay.

    #311545

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Sorry for the delay in response, work has been way too much for me recently! Some real ag between myself and my bosses currently and so my emotions are an absolute rollercoaster.

    To answer your questions, I have no clue lol. He is 100000000% committed, so he says, but not in a rush to get married or have children. I think it ties in closely with his hypothetical approach to everything else in life and that those things will simply just happen to him at some point down the line. The issue with that is, he seems to be under the impression that one day (sometime in the future) will be a better day to approach all of these things. Now whilst he may be right that there is a time for everything in life, I do also think he is being extremely naive to think there will come a day where he will feel like he is mature enough/old enough/ has achieved enough/settled enough to proceed with this future… He’s waiting for an epiphany in a nut shell.

    For me, I’ve always been quite an organised person. I love putting my ideas into action, my goals into plans and working hard on things to achieve my dreams. No matter how long it will take me, I know if I am working towards those things I am happy, because I will get there in the end. So when we were having one of our discussions some few weeks ago I made a point about the fact that if we remain together, I would like to be in a position in which I am ‘not trying but not preventing’ pregnancy at around the end of 2020/ beginning of 2021. I will be 27/28 at that point, I have had my fair share of partying, holidaying, I now have a settled job, a ‘long term relationship’, there isn’t really anything else that I would like to do with my life before I welcome children but I would like the next year/ two years to enjoy my free time and enjoy the flat, if we remain together. Well he freaked out to say the least, ‘my goodness, that’s so soon! You’re in such a rush?! How will we raise children in this flat?! I am not having children until I have a mortgage, I am not having children until I am married etc etc etc.’

    So soon? Two years is soon? Would’ve been together 6 going on 7 years at that stage… I will be approaching my thirties, more than reasonable if you ask me.

    There is also that that i’d always dreamt of being married by 30. And yes granted life doesn’t always go to plan but if i am to be in a 7 year long relationship with no significant sign of commitment then i’d rather be by myself in all honesty.

    We just cannot agree on it to be honest and its come to a point where it isn’t a compromise for me anymore, it is a deal breaker and he is aware of that. I had ‘waited around’ the last four years in the hope that we were both young and stupid and eventually things will naturally progress. I am not throwing that in his face as it was my choice BUT as time goes on, you grow older, you grow up and your priorities change, different things become important to you and those are the things that are important to me, if he cannot meet me half way then he will just have to continue without me.

    #310697

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby how did your last day go?! How are you feeling this Friday eve?

    Its interesting that you mention you feel as though letting go of the job is almost like letting go of another link you had to your mum.. Yes that is heavy and deep but it is real and I can very much relate, actually for a long time I’ve questioned whether that is one of the subconscious reasons why I stuck around Mr A for so long…

    &&& congratulations on the graduation! Speaking of, I actually spent the day today watching my sister celebrate her graduation at university. What a beautiful day. Honestly I couldn’t be more proud to watch her in that gown after all of the ups and downs of uni life, I’m so pleased for her!

    Back to the aunties though, I guess from what I remember they were single yes BUT my relationship with Mr A doesn’t seem to be stopping the questions being fired at me the same way. I suppose my loved ones and those who have known me for a lifetime ultimately know of my wants, hopes and dreams for the future so to be in a ‘settled’ (little do they know) relationship for four years is like ‘Hey guys! When are you getting married? When are you having babies? We wanna party at a wedding! Or I wanna be a grandma/auntie’ etc. They probably don’t mean harm but it is extremely disheartening when it is everything I’ve always wanted, everything I hoped to have with him and as you said, he is just not capable of giving me any of that… not now, not anytime soon. I guess that’s where the comparison to my aunties comes in.

    I think this is very much a moment of deep reflection for me, the past few weeks. We’re slowly approaching the time in which we would b able to hand in our two month notice at the apartment and I think with that the tension is definitely sky high. He is adamant still that he 10000000000000% wants this no doubt. And yet he is simply so stuck in his ways that there is absolutely no resolution to my needs/wants having been ignored for the last four years and the expectation for me to keep waiting for the hypothetical thing is still sky high.

    I think a little bit like your ex he is just what I like to call a ‘never ready’ type of man. It’s all one day, no plans, no action plan no nothing just one day surely things will just fall in place right?…

    Who knows eh..

    #310379

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Javairia,

    Loosing yourself is a very real thing and it happens to the best of us.

    Try to look at it from a different angle, perhaps you are just evolving rather than loosing yourself. The thing about life is that nothing is ever for certain, things can change within a split second and with that in mind people do also change/evolve.

    In this process, it is okay to realise that certain friendships/relationships are no longer serving you. It is okay to go ahead and explore who you are in this present moment, what drives you, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.

    Changing doesn’t mean that you are no longer a good person as long as you yourself know the goodness of your heart and always act out of kindness. Otherwise sit with yourself for a little bit, ask yourself why the changes, what is your soul trying to get you to see..

    #310373

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi both,

    Michelle, nice to hear from you from your travels again! Can’t wait to hear the incredible stories 🙂

    Shelby, how are you doing? It’s your last week of work isn’t it? How are things with your sister?

    Same old over in Kas world unfortunately. I try to get on with my days as best as I can and oftentimes the distraction of work and the everyday mundane life kinda does the trick, until the important things kick in again and I’m overwhelmed with sadness about how much I am completely not where I want to be in my life. Myself & Mr A are okay, but fall apart everytime we head back in the direction of the goals and wants and hopes for life, so same sh** different day eh! It’ll soon be October, my birthday followed by our four year anniversary a few days after and to be honest it very much doesn’t feel like we have anything to celebrate except for the fact that we haven’t killed one another yet haha! So I’m dropping hints that ‘anniversary’ this year is cancelled..

    I’ve come to the realisation that perhaps I am just one of the unlucky ones in life.

    Whilst growing up I had amazing aunties who never seemed to be in a long-term relationship, or getting married, or having children and I recall everyone always asking ‘hey, when are you settling down?!’. Well now I realise that oftentimes it wasn’t that they didn’t want to, those things just simply didn’t happen for them. And now I’m finding myself in the same boat, it’s not that I don’t want to, it just isn’t happening for me… And yet the questions are being asked.

    #310003

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    Sorry to hear that you’re experiencing anxiety again!

    What happened with your sister? The thing about siblings is sometimes things can become unfiltered, because they’re family right? Often we feel we are almost entitled to say things we wouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t share the same blood because they’re bound to forgive us! With that being said, there is some truth in that and I’m sure whatever was said/done WILL be forgiven and forgotten about in a little while. It may be worth thinking whether the argument is worth you two not speaking to one another.. Perhaps be the bigger person and reach out to resolve the issue before you head to OZ?

    The breakup can indeed affect all aspects of your life I think.

    It certainly did mine when me and Mr A split. And although not broken up now the unhappiness is very much affecting all aspects of my life. I am growing more and more unhappy at work, amongst friendships, just generally I’m miserable..

     

    #309573

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hiya Shelby,

    I can definitely relate to the almost one sided effort in friendships.. I do feel like I am definitely the one who reaches out to people more than they reach out to me, with that being said though when I go into withdrawal I shut off completely so perhaps they feel it is an up and down ride with me too? Who knows.

    The loneliness thing really made me think… I, like yourself, seem to always want/need some kind of connection, be it friendships or relationships to kind of keep me happy and content. And I think that’s why sometimes when I go into withdrawal mode I eventually feel more miserable because of the lack of those connections. Although I do recall moments in my life where I distanced myself from people to see if they would ‘care’ enough to reach out to me and then end up disappointed… So I guess my question is, how can one just be blissfully content and completely alone? Not relying on any connections? Is that possible?

    I’ve actually fallen off the exercising a little again, damn! I seem to have no energy these days, but I’m definitely still pushing myself with my daily step count so at least that’s a positive.

    Things with Mr A are same old I guess. I do think we’re kinda both just waiting until we can move out hehe, which is kinda sad right? Strange at the same time as we’re not actually mad at one another or anything, we’re just kinda plodding along everyday. We even manage to squeeze a little laugh here and there but ultimately the larger picture still remains, we are on two different pages, he wants a hypothetical future, I need a real one. So I’m sure with time things will become a little clearer…. or at least I hope!

    On another note though, can you believe we’ve been communicating for nearly a year already?! If I’m not mistaken we started on the 5th of October, a day before my birthday, and it’s nearly that time again. I really did think i’d be in a completely different space by this time… maybe let’s try Oct 2020?! Haha!

    #309523

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shae,

    I cannot even tell you how much I can relate my journey to yours – and it’s in that I find incredible how our minds can be oh so complex and yet many of us have such similar experiences!

    The idea of the ego shattering because all we ever knew to be true is actually false is SO accurate! I think that hit me hard post-trauma. It was literally like my entire world as I knew it fell apart, and in fact it did. I had to start everything from scratch but the biggest aspect of it all was completely not recognising the person looking back at me in the mirror! Like getting to know someone completely new and different..

    I think you’re absolutely right, PTSD really isn’t for wimps. It takes so much strength to keep going on a daily basis, to re build your entire world from scratch, to deal with triggers..

    For me I definitely hit rock bottom before anything got even remotely better. I was in an extremely bad place for a long time but the one thing that really hit me when finishing up my trauma therapy is that she kindly mentioned the fact that even when I had 0 will to keep going, I always came to our sessions discussing the new read I’ve started, or the new research I did into my trauma etc, it’s like despite feeling hopeless I never really gave up on myself, I kept trying without even knowing it.

    For a long long time I ran away from everything trauma related. I isolated myself from everyone because I had no understanding of myself, so I couldn’t possibly explain what is happening to anyone else. I distracted myself from the depth of my feelings at any given opportunity as when I didn’t I spiralled into what I call a ‘dark place’, in a nutshell I really didn’t want to exist anymore.. in addition to that my anxiety was sky high, my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest most days which obviously wasn’t helping at all. The feeling of fear, a complete lack of safety or anything stable to hold on to in my life engulfed me.

    It wasn’t until I consciously decided that withdrawing from the world was no longer serving me and I had to face up to my trauma and the pain associated with it that things got slightly better.

    It got way worse before it got better but I am thankful that I haven’t visited the dark place in some 4/5 months now.

    I still very much have bad days, of course, in fact now being where I am it is even more disheartening when I have a week of okay and then a day full of fear, anxiety, panic and it’s like a nasty reminder that I am in fact not entirely okay and maybe I’ll never be…  it’s all a process and learning curve and I do think that maybe it will just be a way of life. Maybe it’s not something that is ever going to go away, but rather become something I learn to live with?

    I recently had an anniversary trigger date and that was a particularly tough time for me. I kinda fell into the withdrawal thing (survival mechanisms eh) and had to quickly remind myself that that is not how we do things around here anymore. So I sat and I cried and I journaled and I felt it all. And I felt terrible for days but eventually it wasn’t as intense anymore and the days got a little lighter.

    I think on my bad days now I try to just enjoy the small things. A good series on Netflix, fresh bed sheets, a hot bath, a good cup of coffee. Keep myself busy enough to not let anxiety eat me up BUT not so busy that I am unable to process and then it all hits me late at night. I sit and I hope that it’ll pass.. and walks in nature! Long walks in nature! I couldn’t recommend it more! It’s probably the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed but it does work!

    I know what its like to feel as though you may have hit a brick wall in your recovery and the thoughts of ‘is this all there is to my life?’ Take over but look at you though, you will not only survive but thrive! This is incredible! Those are very powerful words and I am in absolute awe of you!

    I am so happy to have you here on this forum! You are incredible, you have immense strength and you give me hope! So thank you!

    #309503

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Dear Shae,

    It is brilliant isn’t it?! For someone like myself who never struggled with mental health, suddenly being hit with trauma and PTSD was a complete shock to the system and for a long time I felt really isolated, almost as though I am actually going crazy! I had no idea who I was, why I was the way I was, why I did things the way I did.. and then coming across the website and seeing people share their experiences was like a God send for me, I am in fact not crazy at all!

    It sounds to me as though you have come a long way. And I do agree with the fact that whilst the events and aftermath of your trauma may not have prevented him doing this to other women, you are in no way responsible for whether that happens or not.. You have enough on your plate and you need to heal in the way that you see fit.

    It is interesting that you say you believe the bitterness and rage you felt at that time in your life contributed to you being poorly.. It’s actually a concept I often explored myself many many times as I noticed my body shutting down on me, I think there may be some truth in that.

    Now I know I am nowhere near where you are in my recovery at all, but having done extensive trauma therapy, reading, journalling etc I think the one thing I have learnt is that PTSD and the recovery from trauma is really all a journey. And one hell of a journey at that! I think everyday you try and explore with new ways to heal, work through triggers, reminder dates etc and it kinda just becomes a way of life in the end? That idea does fill me with sadness sometimes as you do kinda just feel broken? Like unfixable?

    I think you’ve done incredibly well to be where you are at today, acknowledging that you need to be kind to yourself and keep working on healing! You are extremely brave, well done you!

    I’d love to hear more from you and I’m absolutely rooting for you!

    #309473

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Yeah it’s definitely not fair that the expectation for you to look after your dad is 100% on you… I suppose though it is what everyone is used to so it’s hard for them to see any alternatives at the moment.

    I think that’s where the whole ‘learning curve’ comes in to learn to put ourselves first sometimes.. as tough as it may be.

    I understand the frustration around your friendships, I’m feeling a little bit like that myself too. Since all the happenings of last year I very much secluded myself from everyone, and despite being the biggest social butterfly a lot of people hadn’t even noticed I was gone for near enough a year! I mean what does that say about my friendships?!

    and now, I easily fall back into my isolated ways although now I know they don’t serve me in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me some alone time when I have a lot on but I purposefully try to get myself out of the house so to not fall back into old habits and even then it proves difficult because everyone is tied up with their own lives. I suppose that’s just the way it goes? Who knows..

    it is what it is.

    I do still think you’re extremely brave to be taking on the travel plans by yourself! Honestly, I couldn’t admire you more for it! I do believe it will be such a soul searching experience and I cannot wait to hear about all of your adventures. I am happy for you that you have taken this leap into the unknown and are diving into it head first, fear or no fear. It’s the definition of brave. So whilst people have their two cents and opinions, just remember that sometimes you have to look after YOU first before you can look after anyone else.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 483 total)