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Kkasxo

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  • #326233

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.

    I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.

    In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!

    I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.

    #326049

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    You remind me of myself in so many ways – in regards to the idea that you couldn’t possibly hurt him even though he caused you a huge amount of pain. To be honest, as much as it can be a weakness it also shows the goodness of your heart and who you truly are as a person so good on you!

    I do think although he may have had the best of intentions, he didn’t quite think this one through and actually he should’ve held back from the ‘good guy’ ideology and just left you well alone, seeing as he made that decision some time ago! It’s quite cheeky that he feels he can still have access to you to boost his ego when he feels it’s appropriate. Nevermind, we keep going and moving forward. That was yesterday and today is another day. I’m sure it’ll leave you pondering for a little while but try to focus your energy on something else, I say try because I know how hard doing actually is.

    I completely hear ya on the professional front. I was EXACTLY the same. I’ve been looking since October so for two months I did not receive not one response from anyone. When I look through my Indeed/Reed apps etc I have over 200 job applications so it was a really really tough pill to swallow. The confidence takes a real knock, maybe I really am not good enough, even just as an employee?! But things will turn around. I’m blaming the uncertainty of brexit & the new upcoming vote on the quiet of the market at the moment. It’s extremely stressful but just try to keep applying. What kind of industry did you work in previously? Is that something you want to stick to or would you prefer to branch out into something new?

    Also, mmmmm running far far away sounds great! I’m right there with ya!

     

    #325895

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Sorry I promise I’ll respond to the rest shortly BUT what?!!! He actually text you?!

    How do you feel about that?!

    I remember Mr A tried to do things like this also when we were apart, granted we never went more than sort of a week or two with no communication and even then I thought it was cheeky. To go on a whole 7 months cold turkey and then send that text message…. hmm.

    I do recall you saying quite a few times though that he always tried to be the good guy and do the ‘right thing’ etc which didn’t always pan out the way he may have wanted but that he always had the best of intentions. I wonder what he may expect from you at this point because he’s just really thrown a spanner into the works hadn’t he. I don’t know if he realises he may have done more harm than good by trying to make this ‘right’ move…

    Are you going to reply?

    #325889

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Yes I definitely hope I did well as the job is literally ideal. I have also managed to get myself two more interviews too (one on Monday and one I’m waiting for confirmation) so I’m just pleased things are finally moving in some kind of direction! I’ve been applying since October and it was literally radio silence until last week!

    On another note, we’ve been invited to a family wedding in May 2020, my older cousin back in my home country. I was speaking to my beloved Nan on the phone today and I honestly adore her to pieces but hearing the banter between her and my mum about me and never getting married etc was so heartbreaking. In a nutshell they agreed this would be the last wedding in the family until the younger kids grow up (my little cousins who are 16 and 13) so I’ve just been skipped all together because of how much ‘marriage just isn’t on the cards for me clearly’.

    Whilst it’s harmless banter it really was very bittersweet for me to realise I think that not only do I believe my life is a complete shambles, clearly my family do too.. So double the disappointment eh! Great! It’s sent me off onto a bit of my downer, the type I tend to get to when I’m super unhappy about where I am in life and how it’s gone in the complete opposite direction of what i truly want… so meh all round!

    I’m planning to just chill out the next few days. I’m going to a concert on Thursday night but in all honesty I’m not even looking forward to it anymore which is a shame.

    I hope you had a nice day enjoying your birthday though! You honestly do deserve it 🙂 did the new guy wish you a happy birthday? Do you genuinely believe that you can have a platonic friendship with him despite him developing some kind of feelings for you?

    #325763

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Wishing you a year full of healing, a happy and rested soul, plenty laughter and adventures and for all of your wishes to come true!!! This WILL be a good year!!

    Gosh, my interview! I spent the entire day sooooooo nervous I visited the loo 7 times! Haha! I’ve gotta laugh at it now! But I went and the director who was interviewing me made me feel instantly relaxed, in fact we actually had a really really good talk and laughed through most of it! So I think it went really well! He did mention that he’s seeing a few more candidates next Monday and that he’ll be making a decision then! I’m hoping that I get it as work atmosphere is really important & he really smashed it in that department! It’s also pretty close to home which is great! So now it’s just the waiting game!

    How are you?!

    #325475

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Eeesh my heart stuttered a lil reading about your recent perfect job interview process. I’ve been there before & I know just how gutting it actually is, I think it’s why I’m so afraid for tomorrow! I woke up in the middle of the night last night in panic thinking it’s Monday in a couple of hours and that I’ve got an interview – so anxiety is definitely high! In all honesty, I just cannot wait for it to be over and done with now. I keep rationally telling myself that the worst that can happen is that I’ll be unsuccessful and then never have to see the man again, but the ego will be hurt regardless eh! I suppose I’ve done what I can, I’ve read up on the company, written down some of my experience that applies to this job (as a reminder) have come up with some questions that I can ask the employer, bought a new outfit, now I just literally have to take it till I make it as you say! Please definitely send some good vibes & positivity out into the universe for me tomorrow because I am sooooo nervous!

    I hear ya about the new guy. The thing about romantic interests is that you just cannot fake it. If something isn’t there it just isn’t there, even if on paper the person ticks every single box on the ‘perfect partner’ list we all have in our heads. It is a shame but if you genuinely didn’t see it progressing into a deeply romantic relationship, then I think you did the right thing for both yourself & him too. I do think it’s also easy to get caught up in the cycle when you’re receiving some well deserved attention from someone, when you feel cared for, when you’ve suddenly got someone to spend your free time with etc. I feel as though sometimes we push ourselves to remain in those situations (even if we know they won’t go anywhere) because it’s better than actually being ‘alone’.

    But despite still thinking of your ex etc I think you should be extremely proud of yourself. I really do believe that these last few months have been a soul searching experience for you. So much so that you have actually made a conscious decision to do what’s best for you and end things with the new guy – kudos to you for that!

    I definitely do think we both deserve some kind of break! Life has been a whirlwind for over a year now eh?!!! Gosh. Surely 2020 will be easier right? I mean surely there must be some peace and bliss left in this life for us?!

    Have you got anything nice planned for your birthday at all? &&& hang on, are you a Sagittarius or Capricorn? (I love me some astrology!)

    #325385

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Hey chick! It’s nice to hear from you! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet myself, things have just been so stressful on my end with finances etc. I’ve been looking for work since October and it just seemed like nothing/no one was getting back to me which then kinda killed my self confidence a little, I won’t lie. In any case, I’ve got an interview on Monday and I am sh**ting it to say the least as I’ve not done this in about two years (also cause I am super desperate for this job) so I hope it goes well! Other than that I’ve kinda been keeping myself to myself, evenings under the blanket & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

    How is your temp job going? Are you enjoying that it’s something festive & different? I’ve always enjoyed a temp role because there isn’t that much pressure as you know it’s not long term! Also, sorry to hear about this new guy! What made you come to that conclusion in the end? How comes you decided to end it completely? Was the spark just not there?

    #323849

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hey Shelbs,

    Nice to hear from you! How’s it all going? Did you manage to get a seasonal job in the end?

    Unfortunately no luck for me on this end! Money is running tight now too & with Christmas round the corner it’s all stressful at the moment!

    #321191

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Yes it’s definitely not nice not having an income. I think slightly different for you as you spent your well earned money on a life-changing trip whilst I’m literally sitting at home, forever cleaning & cooking and absolutely rinsing every single Netflix series there is because I am simply bored! && yet the rent and bills aren’t going to pay themselves (although Mr A has been great & is very much taken on the role of ‘provider’ lol).

    It is actually interesting that you mention the whole idea of maybe I might be preventing my own self from being happy despite ‘thinking’ that a relationship & commitment is actually what I want…. it’s definitely something I might explore. I think one of the things that I kinda noticed only a year or so ago is that my relationship with my biological father may have had some sort of knock on effect on my romantic relationships in my adult life. I think the fact that he was in my life up until I was 18 (that was his unconditional love for me right? The father to child love right?) and then disappeared without a trace with absolutely no need/want to be a part of my life… I think that hit me hard and perhaps sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel that. It’s something I never quite understood but nonetheless moved on from and it definitely isn’t something I think about often anymore. But I do believe that all the happenings around my trauma and the way Mr A left at the time felt very much like just another man who I trusted with my absolute life has decided I’m no longer good enough, he’s ‘done his bit’ and now he’s out. And with that I just cannot trust him in the way that I did before maybe? Im not sure. They’re all just notions aren’t they… I do think another thing for me is like we’ll be okay and then the future thing, that God damn future notion, it really is an issue!!!! We can go on and on and on and be absolutely fine and then I’ll get random spurs of OMG I NEED TO PLAN MY FUTURE! What are our plans?! Where is this going?! Are we on the same page?! And I read a beautiful article on Instagram actually that I really related to, and it said; ‘You can’t win an argument against your true nature, there is no wrestling your soul into a space with no growth and you cannot tell your spirit that she’ll have to wait because you are in love’… and that really resonated with me. Perhaps yes I really do want this to work by any and all means but my soul is just all round rejecting it because ultimately I cannot contain or restrain who I am at the core of me. I want what I want and that is just it. And the longer I try to excuse why it isn’t happening, or come up with reasons to remain in a place that isn’t actively working towards those things, the more my soul will keep pressing and the more random outbursts of panic I will have….

    I understand the thing about not necessarily being alone but not being entirely happy and utterly head over heels in love. I do wonder though, is there absolutely nothing romantic that you see or could see in this guy? Forgive me for assuming because of course like anything, everything is always more complicated than it seems but some of what you say does sound like fear talking. Like you may indeed be cringing at the heart on th sleeve thing. Ultimately, you enjoy this guys time, he clearly makes an effort with you, to make you smile etc. Maybe at this stage it would be best to just take a relaxed approach to the whole thing?? Enjoy your time with him as you have been and let things pan out how they are supposed to without overthinking? I know it’s easier said than done!!

    #321119

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville it is oh so nice to hear from you! For a second there you had me worried that something had happened on your travels, welcome, lovely to have you back 🙂

    Ah anxiety, the dreaded anxiety eh! Don’t I know it all too well! Although I would say allow yourself to feel it all because it is another transitional period in your life now where you will be settling back into ‘reality’ so to speak, and the job search etc. I won’t lie, I’m on the anxious side of things also with no income as I’ve been out of work since the end of Sept now, eeeeek!! It’s not as though I’m not actively trying, I am!! I am continuously applying and speaking with recruitment agencies etc but I think it is just a tough time of the year for hiring with Christmas approaching etc? I don’t know. I really do hope that I find something soon.

    Do you have any idea what you may be looking for in terms of work now?

    Things with Mr A are the same as have been. Actually to be honest, I realised the other day that I couldn’t actually fault him because he is trying beyond belief. He’s so cautious and taking into consideration my anxiety, my mental health state etc, it is A LOT to deal with. He’s absolutely got his hands full with me (not purposefully) and it’s actually kinda admirable in a way…. but on the other hand I can sit and almost appreciate it but still feel like something is missing? I love him, no doubt, but is this it? I couldn’t say. In fact, I’d probably say I highly doubt it. Perhaps there are some similarities in this to yourself & your ex with the exception that I am clearly not capable enough to make the bloody decision!! It’s so frustrating! Although I do think that there are several factors that play a part in all of this, perhaps comfort, perhaps some feelings of love, history maybe? Or maybe fear? Maybe the idea that my trauma has completely changed who I am and maybe I am just waaaaaaayy too difficult for someone new to come in and understand etc. Who knows. I really really don’t.

    Oh and to add to the equation, my childhood friend and bestest friend (the one who stuck by me through all aspects of my trauma) has just gotten engaged and is completing her purchase of their first home together this month! My heart is absolutely overjoyed for them both but I wouldn’t be lying if I said it was a little bittersweet.

    So I guess in a sense things are a little bleak on my end too. No job, an up and down relationship, I have no idea what I really want. Or maybe I’m just incapable of working towards what I want? Or maybe I’m just one of the unlucky ones?

    Tell me some more about this guy! You’re enjoying his company so he must be doing something right?! Also I’m happy that despite the history with your ex, the heartache and the worry that you’ll be alone,  have been proven (and fairly quickly too!) that there are indeed men out there who absolutely cherish the ground you walk on. Do you think this could potentially turn into something?

     

    #319635

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hey Shelbs,

    Sooooo as promised, my reminder popped up on my phone this morning to check in with you – a whole year later! Can you believe it?! Grateful for  crossing paths with you, although some miles away I feel as though you have been a very big part of my journey!

    So seeing as we promised to ‘update’ a year later let’s try do exactly that. I think the last year has been one hell of a ride, a whirlwind to say the least. I definitely hit rock bottom, a rock bottom I didn’t even know existed prior to all this but then I came out of it. I think I made some good decisions & some bad which I am seeing now in hindsight, but hey that’s the thing about hindsight isn’t it! I am healing, I am learning everyday about all of my triggers and managing a life with PTSD. Of course I have had my ups and downs in the process but I am alive, I am breathing, I am going forward in whatever small steps I may be taking.

    On that note & in response to your previous post, I think my birthday was a particularly difficult time as our family dog (who was with us for 16 years) got quite poorly and she actually passed away the same night so it was quite emotional, it’s still taking some getting used to not having her around when I’m at my mums. Things with Mr A are ‘good’ but more and more there are conversations of being on different pages. In actual fact, the last two or so I have said I wanted out.. that I think it’s for the best that we go our separate ways because I’m growing unhappy as a result of simply outgrowing him. He is holding on for dear life to put it simply, he gets it, he understands, but in his eyes we aren’t on different pages, it’s just our timings are a bit off and therefore we are ‘giving up a good thing’ without actually seeing it through. So who knows, i feel as though things are getting a little clearer for me each and every day. I’ve got this real motivation & strength at the moment to continue practicing my boundaries, follow my gut and do what’s best for me, even if it is scary and the outcome is ultimately unknown.

    You though. I cannot put into words how proud I am of you for taking this leap of faith into travel and actually enjoying it. It’s amazing to hear how far you’ve come, even if you don’t think you have. What you are doing is extremely brave & definitely something you will remember for the rest of your life! This is a trip you will be telling your grandkids about in years to come. ‘Nanny went half way around the world by herself!’ It’s incredible.

    I hope you’re enjoying your last days of travel & be prepared for the cold back here in the UK, autumn is really taking over in full now!

    #318921

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning ladies,

    Shelby, I’m so so so proud of you!!!! Look at you! Thoughts of the ex or not you are on the other side of the world, living, breathing, creating lifelong memories, it’s incredible! So so pleased for you!

    I’m meh haha, is the best way to describe it.
    I’m looking for a new job, recently celebrated my birthday and now feeling the extreme pressure of the ‘ticking clock’. I KNOW maybe it’s not necessary yet but nonetheless it is real. I think getting older puts into perspective how much I am completely not where I want to be in my life at all, and what makes it worse is that I am not actually even actively working towards that? Or so it feels like anyway. Myself & Mr A then celebrated our non-existent 4 year anniversary (I’ve got to laugh at this one, what’s there to celebrate?!) I kind of fell back into my deeply depressive modes and only slowly dragging myself back out. The up and down of it all is definitely a process. But I won’t bore you with my stuffs! Same old over here! Tell me about your travels 🙂

    #314121

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Ladies, I am in so much pain. I seem to be declining rapidly again.. I’ve gone to pick up some of my vitamin serotonin pills again as I’ve been down this road before and these seemed to ‘take the edge off’. I honestly don’t even think I’ve got the energy to fight anymore.

    As stupid and cliche as this sounds I am writing this post through eyes flooding with tears. I am sad, I am just so so sad, I cannot accept my life as is and everything that’s happened to me no matter how hard I’ve been trying. No matter how much of a journey I’ve been on it always comes back down to this. I’m not even entirely sure why I am posting as you ladies are doing amazing.

    You are both incredible, inspirational women!

    Shelbs, if I’m not mistaken you have left out to Oz already. I can’t wait to hear all about your adventures!

    #312975

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Lovely lovely words of advice this evening.

    Very much needed as it appears I’ll be leaving my job at the end of the month too. I had quite the row with my boss today, well not so much on my end but very much on his end. The last few weeks at work have been a nightmare and I sensed that something was off, whilst my gut feeling was there I genuinely do enjoy my job so I chose to hold it out but one of my bosses let a little too much information out of frustration today and to put it lightly we ‘agreed’ i’d be leaving at the end of the month.

    Again not ideal at all with the flat and all, my birthday approaching and breaking the news to my family wasn’t nice but nonetheless, is what it is.

    So anxiety is at full pelt having to think of interviews and starting again and new beginnings and why my life really is such a mess?! Why the hell can something just not go right for me?! Honestly, I am so sick and tired of everything that life has been throwing at me and being the black sheep of the family, chasing stability but it is running further and further away from me. Honestly i’d love nothing more than to meet you at the airport next Tuesday and head to Sydney with you! In fact, I might just put my life over here on hold for a little while too and wander off somewhere myself.. clearly there’s not much holding me here anymore.

    Something needs to shift for me Shelbs… I need to figure it out.

    #312881

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning Michelle,

    Lovely to hear from you! Yes I can imagine how much you have to squeeze in before you head off for your travels! Although I can imagine it’s also a nice time away and probably lovely seeing everyone when you get back!

    You’re probably right in saying that making a choice is more powerful. Actually, it’s something my mother said to me recently when she came to visit! She spoke of mortgages etc with Mr A and I sort of brushed off the idea like ‘no we are in no position for such a big commitment together right now’ and she went on to say ‘darling, if you’ve made a decision to reconcile with him then it cannot be half hearted… otherwise you are just wasting your own time in the uncertainty’ and it is true I suppose.

    I’m actually going to sit down and do a list of the pros and cons of staying with Mr A and see if the paper thing springs some things into action for me. I’ve always been quite a logical person but when emotions, mental health etc are involved your rational thinking can often be clouded so it could be a good exercise to do!

    I’ve promised myself that my 26th year will be all about pushing myself out of my comfort zones and learning to trust myself again – I think I lost that post-trauma and it has made making any decisions 100% difficult.

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