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Kkasxo

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 506 total)
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  • #348562
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    I hope you are keeping well! I know our communication has been somewhat sparse in the last weeks with all the changes to our lives, the lack of jobs, the ex’s (or in my case Mr A) still causing havoc to our lives so long after.. but please do not disappear on me now.

    Albeit online but I consider you as a dear friend. You have truly been a rock to me in this journey and actually have been closer to me than a lot of people when I was figuring my way out with PTSD. I value your time and effort and the kindness you have shown me for the last nearly two years! I really do want you around so please please keep on keeping on!

    How is everything at the moment? I know this quarantine stuff can be extremely overwhelming. I know it has been for me on most of the days where I miss my family so much and just the normality of life. Did your test results come back? And most importantly, how is your soul feeling at the moment Shelbs? How are you really feeling? I am still here and still very much want to continue our communication.

    #346754
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville & others,

    Sorry sometimes it notifies me of your posts and other times it doesn’t! Ah Shelbs, honestly I feel your pain in what you write. I am right there with you. Although I have been so withdrawn from the world recently I want to cry but I can’t. I did get quite ‘drunk’ the other night though having had enough of this whole situation and managed to have a little cry session – great release!

    Like you, my mental health is defo taking a toll now with the isolation. I’m completing week two, or is it three? I really can’t remember anymore. Nevertheless, I miss my family so much and wish I was stuck indoors with them. Quarantine life has definitely revealed to me that me & Mr A absolutely cannot share so much time together.
    I am counting down the days until this is all over. Until I’m no longer worried for my family. Until I can see them and hug them again. And until I’ve got my freedom back to do what is best for me and to enjoy life the best way I can.

    In the meantime we are just going to have to ride this out and support one another.

    I hope your test results come back soon and you will have some clarity. I am sending you lots and lots of lots of hugs, and love and light! We’re going to be okay!

    #345698
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Ah ladies, what is going on in the world?!!
    Honestly, I woke up this morning to work and I cried. I cried my eyes out. I’ve felt so numb during this whole time that today I just cried. I have been stuck at home for nearly two weeks now. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss human contact. I have wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands. What I’ve built to be my safe place is no longer serving me. The walls feel like they are absolutely closing in.

    I hope you are all safe. I hope you and your families are healthy. I hope your minds aren’t kicking the crap out of you. Sending love to you all!

    #340292
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Genie,

    Hello my love! You are always always always welcome to post whenever you want! By any means do not apologise at all, it is just my silly PTSD brain which tricks me into certain thought patterns! I am so grateful for this platform and glad that it has given you a space to explore your feelings too 🙂

    I haven’t properly caught up on your situation but by the sounds of it there’s a little back and forth at the moment – I know how mind boggling that can be! I hope you figure out a way to do whatever it is that makes your soul happy x

    #339990
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @michelle @shelbyville,

    Evening ladies,

    I have no idea why I no longer receive the notifications to my email when I am being tagged in posts.

    I still very much check back on the forum often but have noticed our new ladies here on the forum and just don’t want to interrupt the productive trail of thought – silly way of thinking really so but I guess we’ve got my PTSD brain to thank for that! I’m so glad this is still such a safe and understanding place to come to! It has absolutely been my life saviour at one point and I’m glad it’s being just as effective to others. You ladies are incredible!

    Michelle, you are absolutely right. I’ve been in withdrawal mode for a little while now again. I guess the demands of this job aren’t helping as I am constantly so drained from energy I really don’t have the will to do anything other than work and sleep, as if I am already not emotionally drained enough! My family have finally decided that they’ll be going in May. It’s official, date set etc. Shock. It’s crazy because no matter how much you prepare yourself it’s still so sad when push comes to shove. So I’ve made the decision to move back into my family home so I can live with my sister for a while during this transition… Mr A included although I don’t really know if we’ll proceed with that in the end.
    The reality is, we are good but we are not good at all. I don’t actually know if there is love like that there per say. I do love him, I think in some way I always will but am I in love with him like that anymore? Who knows. I’ve been trying so hard to figure everything out and it seems I can’t even find the answers to my own questions. I don’t think I’ll find answers in the end.
    I’ve decided though to not be so hard on myself about the decisions I’ve made post-trauma (or try not to anyway) because it’s all deeper than I can really comprehend and I guess you can never be angry at yourself for following your heart, which is what I did when we were getting back together. Trauma bonding, a shared trauma, years full of love, an idea of a future together, my PTSD, my shattered self-worth, the idea of being so broken beyond repair that no one will ever want me again, I guess they are just a few out of a long list of things that contributed to my decisions over the last two years.

    In a way, I think my PTSD will mean I’ll never really be able to make a decision without questioning it. But this illness is one I’m going to have to learn to live with I guess, I just hope one day ‘enough’ really isn’t enough because I won’t lie when I say it is exhausting every single day.

    I hope you are both doing well.

    Michelle, you never fail to share with me your greatest life advice. But how is life treating you? I hope you are well and content and happy and no doubt planning another exciting adventure somewhere?

    Shelby my love, I wish I could take all this away from you to be honest. I really cannot wait to see the day when I come on here to read how utterly and blissfully happy you are.

    I really did think we would be so much further along the line at this point. And yet so much like you I feel I’ve come a long way and yet have not moved an inch really! It’s so frustrating and confusing.

    Sending you both the biggest of hugs!

    #338422
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Hello Shelbs! Happy Valentine’s Day to you!!

    I’m not doing too great, you can probably tell by my complete of lack of communication. That is throughout to be honest, my friends are wondering why I’ve gone awol again too but in all honesty life is just a little much sometimes.
    The place I’m working at is extremely demanding and very exhausting mentally.. I found myself the other day having to lock myself in the toilet for a couple of mins at a time for a little breather. Although I couldn’t even get that as I was having terrible flashbacks – ah good old PTSD!!!!! I’ve never had it happen in the day, only at night which would keep me awake all night so this was news to me, I didn’t quite know how to deal with it in all honesty.
    To be honest, I’m not good. I’m better than I was yes, but I am not good. I’m not happy. I have no purpose in life, I am floating from one day to the next with no idea where I am going. I’m incapable of making any real choices and decisions around my life. Ugh.

    I am currently laying on my sofa watching Netflix with a banging headache whilst drinking a cup of coffee – nothing new this end unfortunately.

    how are you? How is the job hunt going?

    #335128
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning ladies,

    Apologies for the recent lack of communication. Work is draining to say the least. I’m out of the house for 12 hours a day and it is an extremely mentally draining & demanding job so I don’t even have a moment to myself whilst at work and once I get home it’s shower, cook, bed – what a life eh?! Back in this shitty rat race. Honestly that’s one thing I absolutely hate about this country! Is that you are expected to work such long hours and basically have no life only to be scratching your make ends meet!

    That partnered with the trigger date/anniversary coming up next weekend again has pushed me to take some mental health evenings after work and just complete shut off. Yesterday was quite bad actually as I seem to be doing okay most days until my PtSd kicks in full frontal and it honestly feels like emotional/mental abuse – except it’s my own brain doing it to me. So that happened yesterday which I then in turn cancelled all my plans and sat there completely withdrawn from the world. @shelbyville – clearly right there with ya with the flight response!

    I’m trying my hardest not to let myself dwell because it’s very easy to get in the cycle of ‘see! I’m never going to get better no matter how well I seem to be doing I always end up here’ but there ya go! Also feeling rather strange lately in a sense that I’m coming to some sort of realisation that actually I’m ‘floating’ through life. I’m not actually living, like purposefully walking through my life. I’m just doing. Working, cleaning, cooking, trying to get back to friends etc etc but my soul is so distant from it all.
    So once again, apologies for going awol!

    @michelle, it is definitely freezing here in the UK. I actually feel like I am coming down with something as a result. My family actually haven’t left yet, it seems packing their life up and going back home is a little more complicated – and I think a big part of that is my mum wanting to extend her stay here just to make sure that I’m doing okay and settled.. so their official date has moved to July of this year once my little sister finishes the school year. And to be honest, I am so grateful and so happy about this because I honestly cannot quite picture them not being here…

    @Shelbyville, how are you getting on?

    #332355
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Evening all and a very happy new year to you!!
    Gosh I sure hope this one is better, it has to be right?!!

    I’ve spent this evening pondering on how far I’ve come in this whole journey. I had a lovely conversation with a friend who seems to be on a journey himself and it made me realise just how far I have come and how it really is a blessing that I am still here. And actually @Shelbyville, having read through your last in-depth post with the lovely words you gave to Genie, I really don’t think you give yourself enough credit because YOU have truly come a loooooooong way!!! Goodness me! You have done so much since your split in May. You have lived, you have thrived, you survived each and every single day. Even the way you speak of your ex now, albeit the heart wants what it wants yes, but the wisdom in your words, the whole aura is just different. Honestly, I am incredibly proud and pleased for you because you have come such a long way.

    One of the major things I am working on is trying really really hard to remain in the present and to not discourage myself on a bad day, a set back does not mean I am at square one, it doesn’t mean that all the internal work has gone to waste and I have to start again. It’s harder than it seems, but it’s the truth. Shelbs, when we first got in touch back in 2018, we were so so so broken, or at least I was. Now it’s not to say that some parts of me aren’t shattered now, I think some will be deep wounds for the rest of my days, but can I say I am struggling as much as I was then? I’d like to think not… I think we both need to work on recognising this as an accomplishment. Also, remaining in the present, not very good at that one to be honest! The past seems to take me either to a nostalgic place, missing the innocent and gullible girl who believe the world was all good prior to my trauma, or to the darkness that took over my life during/after my trauma, reinforcing every negative thought in my mind. The future? Well that’s no good either because I am soooooo afraid of failing. I’m afraid the kind of future I want is out of reach for me, that I’ll run out of time, or I’m making the wrong choices and it just won’t happen to me – it’s a mess. But being in the here and now, we’ll right now in this present moment I am okay. I am healthy, I am warm and cosy in my bed about to watch a Netflix series, I’ve enjoyed a nice dinner, my mind isn’t running in overdrive, I really am okay.

    Ive received a job offer which I am supposed to be stating on Monday. It isn’t my dream job at all, and they are offering longer working hours and less money BUT having been searching since October I will take anything I can get right now.

    How is your job search going now in 2020? And how are you? Like really, how are you?

    #330847
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville & @michelle

    Happy new year ladies! How are you both doing?!

    #327225
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    How are you? I hope things are feeling slightly lighter now?

    I just got the news, I haven’t got the job unfortunately. It’s hit me really hard as I was really betting on this – finances are a real struggle right now, ive never been in such an unfortunate position,  so I would literally do anything right now but it seems it just isn’t meant to be. I can’t even count the amount of applications I’ve sent off now and it seems I’m not getting anywhere. Ugh.

    #326233
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.

    I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.

    In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!

    I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.

    #326049
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    You remind me of myself in so many ways – in regards to the idea that you couldn’t possibly hurt him even though he caused you a huge amount of pain. To be honest, as much as it can be a weakness it also shows the goodness of your heart and who you truly are as a person so good on you!

    I do think although he may have had the best of intentions, he didn’t quite think this one through and actually he should’ve held back from the ‘good guy’ ideology and just left you well alone, seeing as he made that decision some time ago! It’s quite cheeky that he feels he can still have access to you to boost his ego when he feels it’s appropriate. Nevermind, we keep going and moving forward. That was yesterday and today is another day. I’m sure it’ll leave you pondering for a little while but try to focus your energy on something else, I say try because I know how hard doing actually is.

    I completely hear ya on the professional front. I was EXACTLY the same. I’ve been looking since October so for two months I did not receive not one response from anyone. When I look through my Indeed/Reed apps etc I have over 200 job applications so it was a really really tough pill to swallow. The confidence takes a real knock, maybe I really am not good enough, even just as an employee?! But things will turn around. I’m blaming the uncertainty of brexit & the new upcoming vote on the quiet of the market at the moment. It’s extremely stressful but just try to keep applying. What kind of industry did you work in previously? Is that something you want to stick to or would you prefer to branch out into something new?

    Also, mmmmm running far far away sounds great! I’m right there with ya!

     

    #325895
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Sorry I promise I’ll respond to the rest shortly BUT what?!!! He actually text you?!

    How do you feel about that?!

    I remember Mr A tried to do things like this also when we were apart, granted we never went more than sort of a week or two with no communication and even then I thought it was cheeky. To go on a whole 7 months cold turkey and then send that text message…. hmm.

    I do recall you saying quite a few times though that he always tried to be the good guy and do the ‘right thing’ etc which didn’t always pan out the way he may have wanted but that he always had the best of intentions. I wonder what he may expect from you at this point because he’s just really thrown a spanner into the works hadn’t he. I don’t know if he realises he may have done more harm than good by trying to make this ‘right’ move…

    Are you going to reply?

    #325889
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Yes I definitely hope I did well as the job is literally ideal. I have also managed to get myself two more interviews too (one on Monday and one I’m waiting for confirmation) so I’m just pleased things are finally moving in some kind of direction! I’ve been applying since October and it was literally radio silence until last week!

    On another note, we’ve been invited to a family wedding in May 2020, my older cousin back in my home country. I was speaking to my beloved Nan on the phone today and I honestly adore her to pieces but hearing the banter between her and my mum about me and never getting married etc was so heartbreaking. In a nutshell they agreed this would be the last wedding in the family until the younger kids grow up (my little cousins who are 16 and 13) so I’ve just been skipped all together because of how much ‘marriage just isn’t on the cards for me clearly’.

    Whilst it’s harmless banter it really was very bittersweet for me to realise I think that not only do I believe my life is a complete shambles, clearly my family do too.. So double the disappointment eh! Great! It’s sent me off onto a bit of my downer, the type I tend to get to when I’m super unhappy about where I am in life and how it’s gone in the complete opposite direction of what i truly want… so meh all round!

    I’m planning to just chill out the next few days. I’m going to a concert on Thursday night but in all honesty I’m not even looking forward to it anymore which is a shame.

    I hope you had a nice day enjoying your birthday though! You honestly do deserve it 🙂 did the new guy wish you a happy birthday? Do you genuinely believe that you can have a platonic friendship with him despite him developing some kind of feelings for you?

    #325763
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Wishing you a year full of healing, a happy and rested soul, plenty laughter and adventures and for all of your wishes to come true!!! This WILL be a good year!!

    Gosh, my interview! I spent the entire day sooooooo nervous I visited the loo 7 times! Haha! I’ve gotta laugh at it now! But I went and the director who was interviewing me made me feel instantly relaxed, in fact we actually had a really really good talk and laughed through most of it! So I think it went really well! He did mention that he’s seeing a few more candidates next Monday and that he’ll be making a decision then! I’m hoping that I get it as work atmosphere is really important & he really smashed it in that department! It’s also pretty close to home which is great! So now it’s just the waiting game!

    How are you?!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 506 total)