@Shelbyville and @Sammy
I think I have made some assumptions there, my bad.

Shelbyville I just thought the quietness was you gearing up for your first Xmas with your new BF. I didn’t realise you have so much on your plate and I apologise for adding pressure needlessly by assuming Sammy was awaiting your response. Sammy again I’m sorry to you too if it felt like a negative implication and for speaking on your behalf without thinking. You’ve come incredibly far, so resilient and should be extremely proud at your own strength and progress.

@Shelbyville if a tenancy agreement has been executed then getting your deposit back will be difficult as you’ll have been in breach of the contract if you didn’t move in. Contact Citizens Advice, 2 bags is a substantial amount to throw away. It’s going to be babies galore come this new year. My bro in laws partner is expecting too! Appears everyone got jiggy with it (@Tim 😉) over lockdown! Good luck to your sis and new arrival!

Thank you both for your advice, I think I just worked myself up as I desperately wanted to impress her folks – Mrs ‘B’ is a G! Her dad who if I’m being honest was a little stand-offish at first. I think if I felt disapproval of any kind it would eat away at me because it is family is a huge part of who ‘B’ is. So it was starting to panic me that I was not being well received. Incredible how it can take you right back to those nasty self doubts and feelings as an awkward unpopular child!

‘B’ is just amazing though, she sensed I was off kilter( even when I tried to put on a front) her emotional awareness is unreal. I think she had a word with her Dad that evening because the next day he softened and was much more interactive and we ended up bonding on our views of how Brexit has played out of all things and it went from there!

Yes, I bit the bullet and asked him on Christmas Day when he apologised for not getting me a gift – I cheekily said the greatest gift would be to have his blessing. To my relief he said although he will always be protective of her, whoever makes ‘B’ happy makes him happy and he was impressed with how I had approached him and ‘B’ had always spoke highly of me. I think he was just sizing me up so to speak at first!

So the proposal plan is in motion and I already have my grandmother’s ring I always thought it would be ‘A’ who was going to receive it but I couldn’t be more grateful and happier it is ‘B’ .

I’m proposing on new year’s eve, 2 days!!! Are families meant to meet before an engagement?

My bachelor days are behind me, and I’m buzzing, this woman has challenged and changed me, I feel certain I want to spend the rest of my life with ‘B’ because of how profoundly happy she makes me. I feel a sense of pride and excitement to entwine our lives. Everything around me feels calm with her in my life, we connected from the moment we met but it’s only now I understand the depth of the connection, I’m ready to finally be a real man. This year has been a turbulent one. At the beginning of the year to where I am now is unbelievable.

I felt initial embarrassment of using a forum but this turned out to be one of the greatest decisions of my life.

@Shelbyville I can’t thank you enough for this thread. Led to so many stark realisations, thought provoking concepts which steered me in the right direction. I also gained a virtual family even if we are a dysfunctional bunch we share the same core energy. We want to grow and be better than we were yesterday. I will tell ‘B’ about you all one day; my homie @Kkasxo, my bro @Tim, my teachers and mates @Shelbyville and @Sammy. That’s how I know I’ve found the one because I feel comfortable and able to share everything with her, no facades.

@Shelbyville I appreciate your need for a pause, take stock and find a balance in your life with work etc. What spurred me to reassess my life and find contentment was witnessing my bros illness. It made me realise, life was really too short to waste with the wrong company (lads), wrong partner ( A, C and everything in between) etc. To gain back control requires effort to evolve and face those raw real hidden emotions.

If like me you suffer from self doubts which seep into your relationship decision making, then from my experience these were the questions I asked myself and wrote out, which ultimately led me back to ‘B’ and solidified my decision and feelings.

• What do I need in a meaningful relationship?

I knew I needed an emotionally supportive partner. Someone who would listen without judgement, compassionate, generous but actually encouraged me to be a better person. A best friend so someone I can be totally 100 with.

• Do our values and ideals align?

Discussing your morals, values, future frankly is so important if you want a serious relationship. There will always be a need to compromise but discussing it early you can avoid staying in a relationship longer than you should if there are major conflicts. B and I always had that instant connect where we could talk deeply about anything – we discussed so much the first time so when I was reflecting I knew with compromise (mainly physical aspect) we were otherwise pretty much aligned before the reconciliation.

• Is this person someone I truly trust to share anything with?

Real love is meant to grow. It can only grow if you have a deep emotional bond where you go beneath the surface and see their true self without feeling afraid in anyway – B saw all my faults, scars and I hadn’t even been fully vulnerable yet. I knew that was special.

• Is there some physical/sexual attraction there?

Before anyone jumps on me, I said SOME because I’ve grown up from my superficial views. However that being said it’s got to be there to some extent without it you will find your eyes and your heart wandering/fantasising when needs are not met – I’ve always thought ‘B’ was hot and initially it was more about the chase. It’s deepened into an indescribable force because of the emotional attraction we’ve built by spending time together without going for the home run. I have no doubt now about the physical intimacy and I’d describe her as beautiful now!

• Does your partner truly make you happy?

When someone makes you really happy, it has a noticeable positive effect on your life. When I think of ‘B’ it’s always positive connotations, she always uplifts me.

•  Am I ready to spend the whole of my life with this person until death does us apart?

Commitment should be taken seriously so many people just say go with the flow, stay in the moment and staying like that often leads to a dead end. If you love someone you’ll want to be loyal, respect and fully accept your partners imperfections. I accept B’s flaw – not many discovered yet! But I actually love her so much I know I’ll overlook them. I want to commit with intent that’s so important.

• Are you loving conditionally, is it a need for you, is your relationship equal?

‘B’ was a need for me the first time around. She saved me from drowning. I didn’t really offer her much but she clearly saw something in me. On reflection
I only really understood the meaning of love through ‘B’ after she walked away. I love her unconditionally now and I believe our partnership is on equal footing. I believe she offers me everything I’ve needed and more. I believe I offer her the same in return now.

The right person will feel like a light when you’re stumbling in the darkness, will make those racing thoughts and self doubts hush with their compassion and understanding. Have a positive energy and effect on you – from your mental space to all your relationships around you. Your productivity will increase and you’ll find yourself stepping up and wanting to do better not just for your partner but yourself too.  You’ll know it is real love because that person usually brings out the best in us. If you feel that then submit to it without fear and like myself you’ll find peace.

I hope that helps @Shelbyville to figure out if your doubts are real or not.
I do extensive reading this article helped me with my feelings, I had already lost ‘B’ and it was more about me accepting myself for who I am.

thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/09/why-you-cannot-truly-love-the-person-you-are-afraid-to-lose/

@Danny,

Ah I’m so pleased for you! Things are finally starting to come together for you just how you wanted them to and I can’t believe you’ll be a bachelor no longer – yikes! Can’t wait to hear all about the engagement, I bet she’ll be sooo shocked!!!! Just goes to show when you know you know 🙂

I’m surviving hehe. First day back at work today is killing me slowly but at least I’m working from the comfort of my home so silver linings!

Mr A is still here, purely out of the kindness of my own heart but we had another discussion last night (which turned sour as it always does) and I urged him to seriously consider his living arrangements as we are slowly coming out of the festive period now and movement needs to be made. Sad but true. I am SO tired of him now, it’s a very strange feeling because somewhere deep down there is so much love for this man but he has absolutely drained the living life out of me and I physically can’t take no more. We have wasted 5+ years on this, I haven’t got any more time to waste on his empty words and promises, they mean nothing. So I will keep pressing for him to sort himself out and go.

Btw, those are some good questions you asked yourself! That’s a good exercise! I might do it myself!

@Danny oh my gosh, no, there’s no need to apologise. @Shelbyville and @Tim have been an amazing part of my journey and I’m grateful if they need a break or the thread no longer suits their needs. That’s ok, they owe me nothing, so I don’t get to be entitled, I know you were being kind and thoughtful.

Anyway look at you! You are really intelligent and self aware man now. Those questions you posted I wish someone had asked me them so I didn’t waste so much time. I really feel future posters will venefit from your story so much. You have undertaken a great amount of growth, that too by yourself. Like @Kkasxo said you should be immensely proud of yourself!

I’m so pleased for your progress and how far you’ve come. Please do post your engagement story, it will be a nice ending to an awful year! I hope it goes smoothly and you return to post as a fiancé! Good luck!!!!!

@Kkasxo well done on getting through the difficult festive period and you are amazingly kind. Better days lie ahead, just push through for yourself. You’ll feel shaky at first but I’m proof it gets easier. One step closer to finding our inner peace!

Hey @Rhaenys

Happy new year to you too. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel excluded. I do try my best to respond to all posts addressed to me or anyone new.

The new year in UK has brought another lockdown and plenty of time to utilise to begin a new chapter. I’m looking to sell my place I lived with my ex because I did much of my adulting with him. I want a completely fresh beginning.

How are you? I’m sure @Shelbyville will not mind you posting whilst she’s on a break.

@Danny what’s happening? I hope your engagement proposal went well.

@Kkasxo how are you coping? Did Mr A take his leave to give you peace?

Hope you all had a great start to the new year xxx

Just caught up with the previous posts.

@Rhaenys – I know you wanted to know if you could post, @Shelbyville stated explicitly to continue using her thread to help and guide one another, so give me a shout if you need a male pov about something.

@Shelbyville also stated because of feeling stretched so thin she needed a bit of time to herself so don’t feel excluded. I respect her for taking those steps.

One thing ‘B’ explained to me when I told her I had felt disappointed when she walked away was that we can’t always give back when we want to. She said putting your own needs first especially when so selfless and giving, is a huge part of self love and growth. I appreciate ‘B’ qualities now so have worked on not taking it for granted or projecting my insecurities onto her and labelling her unreliable or selfish. When you love yourself you no longer need validation, you take the steps that are healthiest for you and the relationship. She said often those steps are the hardest ones. She said she had always cared about me so much but wasn’t going to accept less than she deserved. When I came back to her after working on my worth, fears and balanced the scales by offering her something in the relationship, we have thrived.

I’m sure @Shelbyville will return to giving inspiring advice and helping others when she has balanced her life and focused on what she actually needs. However in the meantime try not to feel excluded, we can only ever validate ourselves. If you need any guidance then ask.

@Sammy mate that’s a huge decision you are making. Are the memories too painful or do you have new goals? I have to say if you have to take drastic measures to erase someone whether that’s delete, block, hide all their belongings or sell a home. You are essentially compartmentalising and that from experience is not healthy. The memories can’t be erased without dealing with the feelings and achieving real acceptance. They will follow you everywhere and the intensity will be felt in your body.

‘A’ and best friends betrayal I couldn’t accept, look what I did as a consequence. ‘B’ choosing to put herself first after my despicable treatment, I still contorted into srlf pity in my head. I removed every reminder of her, told myself she wasn’t for me, justified my behaviour. But deep down those suppresed feelings remained. Any feelings we don’t deal with and resolve will haunt us. So think about your reasoning.

@Kkasxo how are you homie? Back into the swing of things with work? Has Mr A departed yet? Hope this new year is a reawakening one for you!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Danny.

Hi Danny, I hope your life in 2021 gives you wonderful Joy’s. Take care.

-Aiyana

@Danny Wowww!

I’m sure if @Kkasxo, @Tim and @Shelbyville ever read your post they too will be so happy for you and proud!

Have you seen Daphne and Simon on Bridgerton (Netflix) your relationship resembles them two in my mind! Lol ❤

Your speech was heartwarming. It inspires me to find someone who makes me feel like I’m his best friend and home too.

I want to add don’t underestimate yourself. The growth you undertook was remarkable. You should commend yourself and always remember YOU fulfilled that potential within you and you do DESERVE her. Never question it, let your mistakes stay firmly in the past, don’t ever let them make you doubt yourself, she forgave you, you’ve made amends and you will go from strength to strength if you keep focusing on what you’ve both created right now.

Who would have thought…but you are such a romantic! You know I think most women don’t want the proposal to be extravagant with helicopters and flash mobs. The emphasis on recreating your pinnacle moments and falling in love was really beautiful and I’m sure ‘B’ must have felt completely blown away by it all. She’s a lucky woman too, you really stepped up Danny! I hope you continue in this vain.

It’s not easy making changes and compromising you’ve matured so much, that moment between you will now be extra special and something to look forward to! I really wish you both a long, happy and beautiful marriage together.

I think the type of connection you’ve invested in is going to serve you well. Having a friendship as the foundation can only lead to your love growing. Continue to be this best version of you and shine bright!

In terms of me, I know I can compartmentalise. It’s what led me to overindulging in alcohol using it as a crutch and that spiral.

I’m not too sure if that’s what may be happening again if I’m being honest, food for thought.

Over Christmas and NYs, I actually felt bit sombre because I was torn. I wanted to message his family, they were such a big part of my life. I don’t know if they would have messaged themselves but I changed my number before coming to my parents. I am finding it hard to let go of them completely but I know its for the best if I’m ever to move forward.

I knew they all adored and admired me, it gave me validation. The on/off nature of our relationship wore away at my self esteem. I do wonder if I feel the need to cling to the love of his family because it vicariously or indirectly allows me to feel loved by him as he is their son.

He did have an awakening of sorts after I contacted him for closure but in the end I knew based on the many years together it was empty promises and too late. You’re incredibly lucky that you and ‘B’ didn’t become so deeply involved and left space for a new relationship to work.

Maybe deep down I’m still holding onto something and hence by taking bold actions I feel it will speed up the process of fully healing rather than dealing with what I’m actually feeling? I don’t know, i need to reflect. But what I do know is that I don’t want to drag my past into a new relationship.

That would be incredibly cruel to figure out my shit whilst with someone. They’ll most likely fall for me with hot and cold behaviour. I know firsthand how easy it is to fall into that trap as that’s what my ex effectively did to me. It makes you want the person more but in long run leads to a toxic relationship.

I want to fully heal, that will allow me then to give my all to someone new and not potentially cock up something special.

Hello all,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am here (as is Mr A) as I have contracted Covid and now we are stuck together until the 18th of Jan at the very least. Honestly I have to laugh, as at this stage it seems every time it’s time for him to go, something happens.

I’m just spending time resting and watching a load of Netflix but I hope you are all keeping well. @Danny, congratulations mate! I’ll have a proper read of the whole story when I’m better but so so so proud of you! Wishing you and the Mrs-to-be a whole load of understanding, compromise, patience and of course a life time of love!