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Shelbyville

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  • #339326

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Genie,

    I’m sorry to hear your anxiety is in full flight, there is nothing worse than feeling like you physically might throw up with upset and anxiety. It really gets a grip on us.

    Reading your last post seems to read like your self criticism is at an all time high. I’m so glad your new romantic interest has been patient this far, it shows that he has a lot of respect for you and really appreciates you and wants to make it work. However, it might be a case of you needing to do more work by yourself first. As Michelle would often mention on here, when you find the next relationship that is healthy for you, and you have really done the work on yourself, it won’t cause anxiety or upset or uncertainty. We will know we are fine with or without that person and that means that we’re whole by ourselves. They add to our happiness is all.

    I completely empathise with how you feel right now. Perhaps some space and time might be a good idea now…..I know I know…..the anxiety will be tough in the meantime. But maybe he just needs space. He has been there for you up to now but no-one knows how much they are willing to give until they’re tested and maybe he could help and support to a point, and there is nothing wrong with that either. We are all unique and have different capacity for growth or support or patience.

    I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Really, please don’t beat yourself up. I promise it serves ABSOLUTELY no purpose, it will succeed in only making you feel worse. You don’t want to feel worse. You want to start feeling better. So deep breaths. Anxiety will want you to act on a knee jerk fashion, but step back, deep breaths, calm your heart and mind as much as you can, and you might get some clarity.

    Appreciate your guy’s feelings too, he has struggled and he needs to figure out his stuff. You can’t figure out his stuff aswell as your stuff. We each have to work on ourselves. Obviously he will need to communicate with you and get your input if it surrounds your current relationship, but anxiety may make you try to cling and I understand completely that you don’t want to lose anything, but take a breath. If it’s as strong as you have believed it to be, you will be able to have a calm conversation again soon with him.

    Im trying not to think of it lately as my ex still having a hold on me, or my ex stopping me from moving on. I’m not trying to make it specific to a person, I’ve been trying to say it was my own stuff coming up, as a result of that relationship, my own stuff I have to deal with regarding attachment, that became apparent in and after that relationship, that is now stalling me somewhat. So maybe continue on trying to work on that and hopefully bit by bit, growth will come and you will feel better. X

    #339098

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Clarissa,

    Thanks for the detail of your own experience. I am definitely glad to hear you were able to move on….eventually. I’m also glad to hear that you have started seeing someone else who is lovely and I hope it does indeed work out.

    It’s been 9 months since my final breakup, so maybe it will take some more time. I’m not actively delaying the moving on process, I’m doing my personal best to not have the feelings I have, but it’s going slower than I anticipated. For whatever reason. We all exist in this world with our own unique conditioning, values, thoughts, feelings etc.

    I’ve gotten some great advice on this thread from others who had not dissimilar situations to me and they have moved on, which is wonderful. Maybe one day I’ll be one of those people. Right now, I’m not. I’m about to start a new part time job, I’m going to therapy regularly, I’m exploring further travel, I go out regularly with friends, I’m not being a hermit wallowing away in a corner. But it’s just taking its damn sweet time for my heart to catch up and tell me to move on.

    I regularly check in with every thought of my ex by countering it with a negative memory to try and offset the rose-tinted glasses. I’m trying to imagine having a different life to the one I know have and I try to picture that and get specific about what that would look at. And yet……here I am.

    Anyway, thanks for your input and sending good thoughts and wishes to you for the future! x

    #338594

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hey @kkasxo,

    Im so sorry you’re feeling this way. But remember the work we must always do (though exhausting)……this too shall pass. No feeling is permanent, everything is transient. Someone messaged me yesterday after hearing the tragic news about the tv personality who had died – she said to me ‘she musnt have understood that no matter how horrific things are…..that feeling would one day pass. Remember how you felt you couldn’t go on Shelby & each hour was a struggle but you made it through”. We have to believe we are more than how we feel now. We have to see our lives as becoming more….else what’s the point?

    Honestly, I feel you are my spirit animal right now! I’ve just come out of the work project I took on for the past six weeks & the mental drain was unreal. It was sooooo demanding, so I feel you!

    The flashbacks must be frightening & create such uncertainty. Could you consider the possibility of seeing an expert in that field to try and help you process or manage it? I just don’t feel you should be left to fend by yourself like that.

    I’m the same as you also in terms of direction. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’ve thought about various options but none seem to really attract my interest, passion or desire. I often hope for an epiphany and it doesn’t come so then I try to create circumstances to bring a light bulb moment, but nothing.

    Who are we, you and I, at our core? Are we any much further down the road than when we ‘met’ 18 months ago? In some ways…..so much…..in other ways, exactly the same. Thats just my musing though, I could be wrong but it’s how I feel.

    I started this thread broken and sad and missing my ex. Today, I am broken and sad and missing my ex. I know it can be much more than that. I am still going to therapy, trying to do the work, trying to figure it out, but so far, not much has changed. But I know I’m tired. I’m choosing things – new jobs, new locations, new friends, even a new romance & still. Here I am. I’m tired & I’m tired of being tired.

    On the job front, I start a part time job at a makeup counter in the next few weeks. While I’ve established I’m not passionate about sales, to say the least, it’s a good opportunity to work with a brand I admire & they give great experience & training. So I’ll give it a shot! Other bits and pieces of work opportunities are coming my way too, but again, I’m not sure if I’m that keen. I just don’t know.

    I don’t know what will make me happy. Well done to the folk who have it figured out but it’s hard for me. I’m guessing you too @kkasxo? Are you still getting along with Mr.A?

    #338312

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Firstly Adelaide – Belated Happy Birthday. I hope you had a special day. Birthdays are special. To me. I don’t care how old we get, it’s always nice to have a fuss made of you for one day in the year!

    Sarah, I’m sorry you’re going through similar heartbreak to my own. Day in, day out I see evidence that break ups happen all the time and that it’s a normal and common part of life…and yet….when it happens to you, it’s as though the world has forever changed and pivoted in one swift blow. It’s heartening (if you could call it that!) to hear you loved once before and found love again, I’m just sorry it didn’t work out this time.

    Michelle, thanks for the advice. You know you I know. I’m not determined on staying stuck, I have done things over the past year to enrich my life, to move it forward, to try and bring me happiness and yet I find I wind up back where I am. I even got frustrated with my therapist this past week as I said to him it’s ridiculous to still be in the same place at this stage and we need to get this therapy thing moving a bit faster to help me move on. He replied “are you enjoying kicking the absolute sh!t out of yourself over there Shelby?” I have so many people telling me always, including wonderful life coaches, family, friends….that I SHOULD be over it now, I SHOULD be doing things to improve my own life for my own self and securing my own future happiness. I often feel sick in my tummy at the stress of not living up to everybody else’s “shoulds”.

    I’m sad, I’m still sad and Sarah, you’re absolutely right about the sensitive thing….but my therapist maintains that we’re not ‘overly’ sensitive, we are just highly sensitive and we were born this way and it’s not something that we should try to beat out of ourselves, it’s who we are. My new friend – the lovely sweet kind guy who I tried the romance with a couple of months ago, says sometimes he actually hurts to see how much I hurt in the world. He says he sees who I am and that because I feel so much, he can’t understand how I get through some days as so much of humanity hurts me. I guess he’s right, he says I should come with a ‘delicate’ warning….and not in a bad way, but he feels that I’m so empathetic it ends up hurting me too much. I mean, he’s not wrong. I guess on the upside, I feel love a lot more too, which is wonderful if you have love in your life. For now, the joy my nephews bring me is beyond what I can cope with sometimes – I would go to the ends of the earth for them and I’m consumed with worry if they are sick or do anything remotely risky! I try to switch it down a notch, but it’s hard.

    Anyway, bit of a tangent there, sorry! I have finished my highly stressful short term work project – thank heavens – so I’ve taken myself off for a mini-break in a hotel which is lovely. It’s so scenic and yes it’s Valentines, which isn’t ideal, but hey, I’ll survive. Doesn’t bother me too much at all as my ex was not into Valentines or doing anything romantic around this date, so I’m not missing anything like that! I also got the part-time job at the makeup counter in the department store that I interviewed for the past few weeks, so i’ll be starting that soon and they’re sending me for intensive training, which will really stand to me in the future.

    More and more Michelle, all I want to do is travel! Every week now I find I want to go, and I’m such a homebird…..or was at least! I don’t know where this has come out of, maybe I’ve a bit more confidence to go further afield on my own now, who knows? But it’s just not a possibility with literally no money right now and then I’m at the stage of my life, where I wonder should I be trying to save for a mortgage, that I’ll probably never be able to afford….but ya know….plans……and all that! Langkawi sounds absolutely amazing. My friend wanted me to go there when returning from Kuala Lumpur but I just didn’t have the time or money for another diversion. Typing away on your computer on a balcony overlooking the sea, is honestly….goals for me!!!

    @kkasxo, I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I hope you’re doing okay, I know this is a tough time of year for you. Perhaps you’re managing it better than you thought this time round? I hope this is the case. Let me know how you are doing.

    #335862

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Genie,

    Two things stuck out from your last posts:

    1) If I believe my ex is the one, why am I not making an effort to make it happen? That’s interesting. I’m not. So I’m in this space where I can’t go back and can’t seem to go forward either. Ugh. I’m not ready I guess.

    2) The thoughts that he may see I love you to the ‘one’ when he meets her seems so far fetched to me as I felt he would never be able to say it as he’s so…I don’t know….avoidant. I guess I didn’t, in many ways, think it was because it was me. I felt that he couldnt ever say it cos he has work to do himself. But what if he does….then the anger will come I guess.

     

    Be well and take care. x

    #335804

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Thanks for all the positive words and motivation. Ya know, I actually think maybe I should re-read all of this thread again as I have forgotten most of what happened, except for the good stuff….but of course…..that predisposition of the brain to rose colour everything.

    I had forgotten he said he would start to resent me, wow, that stung at the time and stings now. I’ll try to cling to that one to evoke a little bit of anger if I can. I’m beyond stressed at the moment, work is overhwhelming me, I was so afraid of not finding work that I said yes to many projects and now I’m working long long days seven days a week, but look….at least it’s temporary.

    Another source of upset and tears yesterday was that my sisters co-worker and friend lent me her parking spot in my sister’s work building as she is on maternity leave and she knew I would be working nearby for a couple of weeks and could use the parking spot. About two weeks ago I bought a little gift for her to thank her and hand back the keyfob, I had it in my head to give it to my sister to give to her at the first opportunity, but in those 10 days or one week, I have lost the fob. I am DREADING the outcome. It has been wracking me with guilt and anxiety. It’s actually quite difficult to get a replacement and if even possible is thought to be extremely expensive. But I’d put up with that but the worst part is telling her, she is quite a stern takes-no-prisoners person, albeit nice to have given it to me, I’ll admit I’ve always  been a little afraid of this lady. Anyway, I haven’t told my sister yet as she has so much of her own stress going on, but it really is the straw that broke the camels back this week because I’m hormonal and also stressed with my workload from all my other projects. It’s also very unlike me to be so careless. I am meticulous about that kind of thing, but somewhere in the confusion of the past week or so it disappeared. I checked my car twice thoroughly, all my handbags, my clothes, my house and no sign. It’s something that’s massively bothering me and then there is a lot of other niggly problematic stuff I’m trying to sort out with payments from the makeup counter work I did over Xmas and many many mistakes they have made with that and the fact that I have a skills and trade test second interview on friday morning in a store, whilst also trying to maintain my other work which is ongoing. Sorry for the stream of consciousness vent, I feel like i need to get it all out of my head in some manner, such as writing, because my head doesn’t have the capacity to hold it all anymore.

    I hope you’re all doing okay. Trying to look for gratitude in my heart each day, but some days I struggle with my inner feelings and what I feel is a lack of purpose for my existence at times.

    If anyone knows any prayers, chants, tricks for finding something lost…..send them my way! x

    #335168

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi @kkasxo, How are you doing? I remembered it must be approaching your date again and wondered how you are coping. The PTSD must be incredibly difficult and whilst I do understand that there are time when you feel like you’ll never get out of it, you do have weeks or months, of not feeling horrendous. So perhaps, it’s something you can learn to just adjust to each time it happens and have your coping skills ready. You are more than PTSD, so much more. So don’t let it convince you otherwise. You’re in charge of your brain and apparently we can rewire it so let’s try to keep on rewiring.

    I too wondered how you are doing with Mr.A. You haven’t mentioned him in a while so I presume all is well or is the lack of feeling like you have no direction, partly to do with your relationship with him? I know the feeling of floating….it’s an old buddy of mine! I thought I had found a direction with my ex and that didn’t pan out so again I don’t know where i’m going or where I’m meant to be at. Apparently in life, we’re right where we’re supposed to be so all the research would tell me, but where on earth is that?!

    I’m working at the moment and it’s 14 hour days and a huge amount of stress, all of which was not anticipated but the individual I’m working for has turned out to be far more demanding and unreasonable that I imagined. Nonetheless, I’m trying to make it through and maintain boundaries where I can, but it’s causing me a lot of stress. However, it’s over in two weeks, so I guess I’m counting down the days and I know I can survive that long. I met a friend about prospective work yesterday and he asked me ideally what would I like to be doing…i’ve been applying to jobs so much to try and get a job to have an income coming in, I never sat to figure out what my dream would be. I have ZERO idea. I went red when he asked me as I was stumped. I don’t know what I want to do. He reminded me of my many skills and expertise and said there are so many fields I could get into, but I just don’t know what I want to be doing. I thought I’d like makeup but I seem to lack the confidence to get that off the ground in earnest.

    I’m thinking of you as the date approaches but don’t give it more weight that you need to. The day before it will be 729 days, the day after – 731 days. You have survived all those days and the date doesn’t make it any more difficult, you’re strong on day 729, you’ll be strong on day 730. As always, we are here if you need to reach out at any point.

    Adelaide, this forum is open and inclusive for everyone, I don’t feel I have sole rights to my thread. It has resonated with many people and sharing our stories definitely makes us feel less alone. You’re doing good, a lot better than I was, so be good to yourself.

    Genie, Thanks for the kind words, I’m glad you seem to be doing better. I appreciate the advice and the link to the other website, I’ll have to take a look.

    Michelle….you’re in Krabi!!!! I’m jealous! I keep telling myself once I get paid from this job, I’m booking a flight somewhere, despite all my bills and still paying off my travel loan! What am I like? But in some ways it keeps me going, even if it doesn’t transpire! I know what you’re saying about my ex, on a rational level I always know what you’re saying. All of the advice on this thread seems logical and practical but sometimes it doesn’t move my feelings. I tried last year to move forward to leave that person behind by various different tactics and I continue to do it, but my heart is not in it to meet someone else. I also tried that last year and I just didn’t feel for that person what I know I can feel, the comparisons continued. I don’t mind putting myself out there and trying to meet someone new, I just feel like its a waste of time though if each time I still end up feeling that it’s not as good a connection as before. I’d rather try and manage being happy on my own. Maybe the anger will come, maybe it won’t. I’m guessing that will come perhaps if a he ends up with someone new, if I’d even find out, but I’m at the point now where I’m tired…obviously I’m run down from trying to keep several freelance gigs going but just tried of not having much direction either. Pick one….I hear you say….yup but my mind and heart are completely silent, don’t know why they won’t give me a bit of guidance on that front!

    Also – is it cheap in Thailand, are you going to do some island hopping or move about? Can’t wait to hear more….

    #334560

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

     

    Adelaide, i’m pretty sure the anger is normal. All part of the process. In fact, I’d actually love to be angry, it has always helped me move on from things in the past. But in the three breakups with my ex, anger never came. Mildy miffed at times but no realt anger. Family and friends have even tried to generate it for me towards him or the situation…but still nothing….so maybe that’s why it’s taking me this time to move on or might mean nothing at all. Who knows. I do know that I’m insanely busy at the moment and genuinely don’t have time to think about him. When I’m idle all I do is ruminate. But when I’m busy, less thoughts of him have room to come into my head! I’m not saying distract yourself, but it makes sense, if you have nothing else to do, your brain will revert to familiar well worn thought patterns.

    Definitely try and work on your self worth. It’s my biggest challenge, because apparently if we have good self worth……we can get over things easier because  we’ll realise we’re better off! Or something like that! It’s something i definitely haven’t mastered.

    Genie, thanks for the endorsement but like I’ve written to other people before, I’m not going to be fake and pretend I’ve seen the light. I still would like it to work out with my ex. It doesn’t seem likely and nevertheless there goes my betraying heart! But at least I don’t waste time trying to instigate it, i just think about it, a lot.

    Rob- Sh*t. You have been hit by the proverbial bus. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you know that all you can try to do for the moment is continue on, survive, develop routine and grieve. No-one ever wants the grief, it’s hard and painful, but I guess it’s meant to be. I’m glad to hear you cry regularly and let it out, it’s important to have a release. I hope for you that each day or week or month the pain becomes even slightly less sharp.

    @kkasxo, hope you’re doing okay.

    #334029

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Adelaide,

    Well done on so much self awareness and at least trying to grow and process. It’s hard, I know. Be careful about the pull. So….I am pretty confident that if I met my ex for coffee tomorrow, the unbelievable pull would still be there……it always has been, Even for him most of the time, but nevertheless, it doesn’t mean we are meant to be together. We have/had a connection…the pull makes sense. But the pull can’t make him feel what he doesn’t either and despite how great a connection I felt we had, he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me…..so if we were to meet up, the pull would end up hurting me again.

    Let me frame it from your ex’s point of view. The new guy, who is a beautiful soul, who i tried a romantic relationship with but chose not to go further with is now one of my closest friends. I explained the perils of such a relationship and being the understanding and persuasive person he is, he convinced me friendship could work. It sounded like a great deal to me as the characteristics that I always liked about him (no-romantic) were still there and I do have a connection to him and enjoy his company immensely but not in a romantic way. It’s been great and I felt, isn’t this so mature…..I don’t get to lose him out of my life and we are good for each other. Today I met him for coffee and afterwards he messaged to say how beautiful I looked today. Sweet. But a problem. I loved receiving such a compliment but then the anchor dropped and I felt uncomfortable. He’s not completely over me I would say and happy to just be a platonic relationship. So things may get awkward if we continue this way and he may get hurt……yet again. I didn’t want this to happen, but I’m a adult, I take responsibility for the decision I made by being friends with him.

    You will always feel like you have a connection to your ex whilst she’s still in your life and it’s unrequited. I definitely don’t want to see you get hurt down the line again. Distance is the only thing to create a little bit of perspective…but BELIEVE ME….i understand how difficult that is. I get it. But remember, she didn’t choose to be with you and whilst it might be a nice comfort blanket for both of you to avoid the pain of separation…..it could end up being the pain of future hurt again otherwise.

    Keep going though on your focus on self awareness and counselling and really working on growing. You’re probable miles ahead of where I was at your stage. Try looking into the attachment styles and why they might apply, for example anxious attachment.

    We’re all in similar boats on this forum and I’ve found the online support very enlightening. Best of luck x

    #333927

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all

     

    @ ML… I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now, the shock alone must cause some serious reverberations for you. What you are facing is the loss and comfort of the person in your life coupled with the loss and comfort of the future you had planned out in your head. I don’t know why your ex ended it, if it’s something that tears you up and it was done quite abruptly and you don’t understand why, maybe that’s something you could have direct conversation about, in order to move on and grieve. I don’t know how feasible that is. After that, Michelle is right. No contact, albeit extremely difficult is the best way to move forward and try to create a life without that person. It’s not always easy and we’re human, sometimes we’ll end up making contact, but best to at least try anyway and then you’ll at least feel like you’re doing something to help and look after yourself. Grief now. It was 6 years….that’s a long time to be creating the hypothetical future you thought you were going to have and has now changed. Just keep on keeping on until you’re a little bit stronger to actually move forward with completely different plans. That is hard to do in the midst of devastation so just keeping doing little things every day for yourself to keep your head above water.

     

    @adelaide… well done you. Congratulations. Might sound funny to say congrats for your heartbreak, but you were brave. You opened up your heart and that makes you an amazing person. I berate myself all the time for feeling so strongly about my ex and ‘not getting over him’ quick enough etc but I still sometimes say to myself “Shelby…at least you loved. At least you opened your heart” and I’d rather die knowing that I opened up my heart to love (even if it didn’t work) than die having never felt an open heart.

    There is some work for you to do now I think in terms of self worth. You definitely became attached to her and made her an important element of your life, but if she doesn’t feel the same as you, then she can’t help how she feels. Everyone is entitled to how they feel even though it hurts, even though it’s heartbreaking and you want it to be different. It just means she’s not your person. A little time and distance will help a lot to overcome the anxiety and the pain of separation. It is so extremely hard to do, but in my experience you’ll never truly get over someone if you try to remain friends, because let’s face it, you’re not trying to remain friends, you just want to stay close to them and in the far back of your mind the hope will always be there and you could end up just getting hurt again and again when that hope isn’t realised.

    You should be incredibly proud of yourself for opening up – I am of myself (sometimes!)- and just try to take it day by day until you’re a little stronger and a little further from the heartbreak.

    @michelle….oooph….there hits a trigger! I might aswell admit it. Completely rational and well meaning advice as usual but I have this thing that I always slate myself over…not being able to soothe myself and it’s the message I get from others a lot throughout my life too. I don’t want to be so dependent on other people, I admire self sufficient people so much, but time and time again I see how much I need people. I get ‘scared’ sometimes, I’ve tried in therapy to figure it out but it doesn’t seem to be changing much. I’m insanely busy with short term work projects at the moment and whilst working late the other night in a busy hot environment, I felt extremely feint and ill and I got scared and literally only wanted my ex there to come and protect me or take care of me. I don’t know. It is what it is, but it always makes me feel ‘less than’ to not be able to look after myself, to always need someone to mind me or save me. It makes me sad and feel inadequate like everyone else in the world is a grown-up but i must never have drank the grown up juice.

    Anyway changing the subject, have a wonderful trip to Asia, safe travelling, I can’t wait to hear all about it.

     

    @kkasxo – how is the new job working out? Are things looking up a little for you? x

    #332657

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    Thanks for your advice, I completely understand your analogy for genie – it’s a good one. The only thing I would say is that the book wasn’t all horrendous and rubbish and i just reading it because I couldn’t give up on the horrendousness of it. The main character in most chapters was endearing and there were honestly some very good chapters. I’m not disagreeing that the book wasn’t for me, but it just wasn’t so black and white, good and bad elements.

    I guess you’re probably right about the recent contact. I’d be mildly curious too if I was in his position with the different turn of events this time round. I deleted his birthday message and NYE message on my phone and I’ve stopped posting on the social media platform he had been viewing. So I’m taking small steps, I know it’s not the full amount of steps needed but it’s what I ca do right now.

    I’m a little frightened of getting attached/reliant on new guy. I’ve been trying to maintain a little distance but fail miserably and just end up wanting to talk to him the whole time. Having said that, I also don’t have a life plan or direction going forward currently so my mind is a little bored and that may make me prone to constant contact and stimulation.

    I truly believe that my ex would in no shape, way or form entertain the idea of a 4th reunion, he barely wanted the 3rd and indicated his regret about the 3rd reunion when he was ending it the last time. To be honest, the physical connection is an important element for me. I didn’t realise that before I met him that it’s an important factor in my life. I never had that kind of connection with anyone before or anyone since. So whilst I’m trying to become so self loving and self aware that I’d accept being happy on my own…..it’s like a deeper part of me thinks ‘lolz, good luck girl if you think you can survive with a immense physical connection to someone’! I considered the idea of just a physical relationship with my ex (not really a possibility on his part) but nevertheless, I don’t think my subconscious will let me shut down thee niggle of having a couple of bay-making years left. Even though I have current desire nor prospects to have kids, but I have a feeling it would rear its head again if I had any sort of relationship with my ex. Again, not a possibility but this is more to do with the wishful thinking in my head, Anyway, it is what it is, I just have to put up with the sort of…longing. I try not to think about it, but again, stupid lack of direction means I give to thinking about my ex a lot.

    Speaking about the work front, I have taken on a short term contract for a project with someone. It’s only 4-5 weeks work and not massively well paid, but it’s interesting and could create further opportunities for me or give me a chance to network. So the busyness of that has started which is great because it gives me a purpose and distracts me enough at times from thoughts of my ex relationship.

    @kkasxo – Happy New Year….can you believe we ‘met’ in 2018 and it’s not 2020. And you are totally correct, I was broken as you that year. It’s been a tough old road. I agree, I have come far from those days I first began writing, 15 days after my second breakup. So for anyone reading, YES….the initial searing pain does abate…I promise. So that’s something I guess. The longer term stuff takes a bit of work I guess.

    You ask me how I’m doing…..really! You’re so funny and I feel you get me so well! Really…..I’m okay. Not terrible, but not great. i actually don’t really know who I am. What do I stand for, what’s my purpose, what do I really care about? I’ve experimented a lot over the past few months, but it’s hard to fathom at times. I know I’m not where I want to be. I would love to be looking at my ex relationship in the same way I look at exes from a million years ago, but it’s not happening that way. Very different circumstances I guess. I’m sad that I’m not over him I suppose. Also sad that we’re not together in a healthy and fulfilling way, but that’s something I’m trying to work on- things I have no control over and trying to accept that.

    Well done on securing work, it’s tough out there right now. But you kept on grafting and I’m sure the future prospect of an income- albeit less than you had hoped for – will allay some anxiety. You’ve been through so much, but it’s not what defines you. It’s part of your story, it’s not all of your story. Hope you can remember that. You have been through some dark and struggling times and these days you’re watching Netflix, cosy in bed and preparing for a new job. No matter which way you look at that, it’s a win for you and your mental health, so I am indeed proud of you and could only hope to have half the resilience and common sense that you do.

    I ABSOLUTELY hope 2020 is better to us and will set about making as good as I can myself. Looks like you’re already getting off to a good start x

    #332069

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @genie, sorry for the delay in replying. My head has been a little all over the place for the past while and I’ve been trying to figure out my next plan of action in terms of employment.

    Firstly, I’m so sorry. I really am. I’m sorry your heart has been broken and now your confidence is shaken and you’re experiencing panic and anxiety. I know that feeling well. I don’t know if I can offer any advice per se in the sense that you will have seen my recent posts and realised I haven’t exactly come out the other side. Yet (I hope I will). However Michelle’s advice is always pretty on point and useful.

    With regard to the new guy, I know it can be scary and intense. So I’m extremely close to my new guy now. It’s weird. I explained that I wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and it was causing me anxiety and it was overwhelming and didn’t feel right and he understood and was extremely kind about it. We took a couple of weeks without contact and then he got back in touch and said he had thought long and hard about it and wants me in his life as a friend. He feels I have greatly enriched his life and he loves the conversations we have which are deep and enlightening, He says I have helped him boost his own self confidence and he’s going to spend much of this year on self growth and development. He’s a wonderful sweet guy and I truly want to see him happy. In the past while I have tried to push him away a little, bluntly telling him that it could be quite unhealthy to maintain such a relationship with the object of your affection. He keeps giving me logical and convincing reasons to remain friends and I find it hard to end the relationship entirely.

    He has been a huge support to me recently and I have stated to him that I’m hurting from a past pain and need to address that myself as I feel I’m relying on him too much to fill the gaps I’m feeling in my life. I explained that every interaction with him makes me feel better but it’s a temporary solution and I don’t want to end up reliant on yet another man to make me feel better. I have to do the work myself. He said I’m being stubborn and shooting myself in the foot and that he cares immensely about my overall wellbeing and happiness and if you have someone in your life who supports and helps you, why would you sabotage that friendship and feel like utter crap?! Again, I saw his point. So we’re close friends now. We only know each other about 6 months and sometimes it feels like 10 years. I don’t see him as the guy I want to be in a romantic relationship with, but I’m acutely aware that he’s filling some need currently. I don’t want to hurt him either.

    So, my long winded point is that, your new guy might be amazing and I completely understand the need to know is it self sabotage or whatever. But at the end of the day, I think Michelle will tell you this, if our exes are still pretty forefront in our minds….on a pedestal as you say (couldn’t have described it better myself!), then we’re not in a position to fully move on and be completely healed and self assured and confident and ready to fully open our hearts to someone new. Our hearts are not healed or whole enough to give to someone yet I think. I could be completely wrong, this is only from my own perspective. For example, the new guy is unreal when it comes to communication and emotional understanding and caring support, something my ex could never give me. So in many ways the new guy is more of a great guy that my ex will ever be…….and yet……my ex still trumps him. For no particular reason, only the little small things that I loved. WHY won’t they minimise and the larger problems we had maximise? Don’t know, rose-tinted glasses I guess.

    I have not been to a therapist in months as I’ve been travelling and then out of work so finances are not the best, but I feel I need to go back. Even just for one session until I can afford more because a lot goes on in our minds and sometimes if left unrestrained, we can work ourselves up into spirals. Sometimes perspective can be helpful, so I’d recommend talking to a professional if you are in a position to do so. I hope it helps alleviate some of the anxiety. I will say that initial anxiety, panic and depression subsides, it seems to be temporary, but you may already know that if you feel you were at least able to get back out into the dating world over the past few months.

    As for me, Michelle, most of my brain told me that the birthday text was a moral obligation on his part, but then he started checking in on all my social media posts- bear in mind that I had been so lucky up to now that my ex was insanely private and hated social media and never ever uses it. He initially set up an account before he met me, but never used it once while we were together and encouraged me to avoid social media too, but all of a sudden, though he has had not activity on his page since 2013, he now checks all my posts. I never deleted or blocked him because it didn’t even enter into my head, because it was a non-issue as I felt his account was dead anyway. Now you may ask why don’t I just delete him as a friend and also his best friend who sometimes sends me the odd greeting? I’m not ready. Yep, I’ll be honest and say it’s feeding into my hope.It’s not helping and I found myself posting the odd bit of content just to check had he checked it. I’ve stopped doing that now. I also texted him New Years Eve to wish him a happy new year and he replied with the same three words I had sent him saying Happy NY. So there was clearly no invitation for further conversation and I left it at that.

    He never is not on my mind and I wonder how or when does that fade? I feel like the third time we split last May, I kept going, determined not to let it derail me this time. I was incredibly busy with a big event at work at the time, completed my makeup course, did my exams, handed in my notice at work, travelled to Oz and NZ, took on a new short term job in a different industry where i got to experience a new environment and meet so many new people. I met a great new guy and even tried a new romance with him. But still, it doesn’t seem to have had any effect. I want to be back with my ex, and yes I know it wasn’t fulfilling me, but the need to just be in physical proximity to him still overrides. How frustrating! I feel like I’m lying to the world, that I’m faking a life I’m not really living. But I’m doing it with an honest heart. I tried all those things because I was trying to make myself happy or happier at least. I still can’t let go, I don’t know how and then I don’t want to.

    So that’s me, I’m not the greatest person to be getting advice from as I still need the advice myself. But I do care and I do empathise with anyone else going through similar situations. Mine is evidently not a unique scenario and I’d love to close my eyes and be 10 years down the road, superbly happy and looking back at this period of my life with puzzlement as to how I could have felt this way at this time. But that’s not how life works. So for now I’ll try and manage getting through each day and try not to rely on others too much and make myself more resilient. I don’t know where I’m meant to be or how to move this process along, so I’ll hopefully get to see my therapist some time in the next week.

    Michelle, I can’t believe you’re going travelling again, the envy is real! I feel almost daily now like hopping on a plane, but alas a lack of any kind of financial standing prevents those notions! I’m excited for you and wish you the most wonderful trip again.

    @kkasxo, how has 2020 been treating you so far? I got a few more rejection emails this week, but I’m hoping the universe is filtering out where I’m not meant to be! How is Mr. A? Did you manage to make it through the Holidays unscathed? x

    #330967

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Genie,

    Seeing your post now, I’ll be able to respond more fully tomorrow. You’re not alone as you’ve probably gathered by being on this forum!

    @kkasxo- happy new year! I can’t believe it’s 2020 now. Time is strange. I’m okay, still no job 🙁 Also my mind is all muddled again regarding the ex.

    How are you doing? X

    #329225

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @michelle !!

    How coincidental! I was actually thinking about you whilst having breakfast this morning and then I happen to sign into Tiny buddha & you had left a message! Sixth sense perhaps!!!

    So lovely to hear from you, are you still travelling? Thanks for your supportive words but I often feel like a bit of a fake, because today I’m feeling very emotional and lost. Typical! The improvement just doesn’t stay consistent! Now, I’m sure hormones are a bit to play this week too, but it’s a tough time of year.

    Im working today – wow retail at christmas is like the jungle!!! But I’m loving the experience even though i’ll probably be broken by the end of it!

    If you celebrate Christmas enjoy, or if you’re still travelling I hope you’re having an amazing time.

    Shelby

    #328899

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi @superx

    Ah ok…..you definitely missed a heap in the middle of my story too! So yes, we split over a year ago, but long story short, I kept in light contact after the split last year and just wanted to get back with him and we reunited in Feb/Mar of this year for a couple of months.

    Needless to say it didn’t work out again and he ended it- for the very same reasons- a third time actually- in May of this year. So really it’s only been 7 months since the split.

    What I will say is this- we didn’t speak a word since he broke up with me in May. Not one single text, nothing. So…..last year I remained in contact and it didn’t ultimately help. Few months ago we completely ended communication and since then I quit my job that was making me unhappy, travelled to the other side of the world, met new friends and took up a job (albeit temporary) in an entirely new field.

    I think you can see where I’m going with this. Yes I still miss him, yes I’d love it to work out – but I’m nowhere near as devastated as last year. That’s normal you know…..to feel devastated. Like I said before, it’s like weaning off something and that just takes time and discipline.

    For me I was in the unusual situation these days where my ex had no social media as such & was not a tester really- even when we were together! So it wasn’t difficult to avoid anything to do with him because he wasn’t in my sphere as such.

    As you probably have seen, he messaged two weeks ago for my birthday, out of nowhere and honestly…..it has set me back a little. When you kind of lock a door and try to throw away the key, then you feel that maybe a chink of light is coming through the door again…..it’s hard. But I’m trying to get back to feeling as strong as I did before he messaged.

    No contact has helped me but as you can see it’s not what I initially chose and everyone has to follow their own path. Someone could have said to me- and did- last year to have zero contact but I guess I wasn’t ready for that. My heart and mind needed to do what I needed to do at the time, whether it was right or wrong, even if it caused me more pain. I don’t regret it, it must have been my journey to get me to here.

    Commitment issues are his issues, not yours. For whatever reason, it really has nothing to do with you. But it’s something that really needs to be addressed by him if he chooses to (which I find a lot of men are unlikely to do). It’s difficult for it to work long term if that’s his excuse, so try to protect yourself as much as you can. Don’t you deserve to be chosen? Take care x

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