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Shelbyville

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  • #367341
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Tim,

    I do have a dog…well he’s at home with my Dad, but he’s Dad’s best friend. I honestly know how it feels, we have lost our dogs in the past and it has taken a toll each time. I see my Dad now with our dog and they are inseparable and I dread to think of the day when old age will take him away before Dad is ready to let him go, but I’m eternally grateful for the love and companionship he gives to Dad and the unconditional love he gives to me whenever I arrive home after the week’s work. Animals are incredible and add so much value to our lives. It is natural and honest that you feel this loss now. Take care and be well.

    I’m working from home these days due to Covid restrictions, well working in the new guys apartment. It seems to be going fine for now but we’ll see how it goes. At the weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend, fully committed and I also met his parents. We had a nice weekend and I enjoyed it, but my mind and feelings never stay static for long and inevitably if I notice one off-hand remark or one time he doesn’t cuddle me when I want him to, I got down the rabbit hole in my head. Im aware of it and am trying to work on it, so we’ll see what happens.

    I’m really not loving my job but don’t know what to do, this is only my 5th week in it, but I’m already seeing that it’s a tough work environment and perhaps not the best culture in there either. But I’m not a quitter either so I’m going to keep going and do my best and see how I feel around Chrismtas.

    Rhaenys,

    Weddings are tough. They are so stark sometimes is showing us what we feel like we might be missing. I have always gone to weddings almost my entire life without a partner until I met my ex. People would always expect me to be alone and I’d be seated with lots of friends and their partners, who I also got on very well with, so it became a cool thing and I used to really enjoy weddings on my own with no-one to ‘mind’ etc. Then I met my ex and we went to weddings together and I liked that feeling of having someone there with me so after we split, weddings were a little more difficult again and I seemed to lose that laissez faire feeling. They can be lonely now. Probably because I’m older now too I guess.

    But the day you had dreaded for 2 months is over now. The worst has passed. It’s behind you and you can move on now. I know you’re being hard on yourself for how you felt on Saturday, but honestly, you’re human. It’s okay to give yourself a break. We do the best we can most of the time. Keep planning things in the future with friends or family or even by yourself, if it’s only going for a walk and hopefully bit by bit, life will start to fell better.

    #367224
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    You are surviving. Maybe not how you want to survive, but you’re surviving and sometimes that’s an accomplishment. It’s difficult facing loneliness, facing internal emotions, wounds….believe me I know. But I think you can come up with another plan, one that doesn’t require alcohol. You come across as an astute clever self-aware woman, so I feel confident that you can put together a new routine. How long more until the self isolation period ends? What do you plan to do this weekend, could you read a book from beginning to end or perhaps bake something? Or could you do an aerobic workout session from youtube?

    We are all here at the end of the keyboard if you need us. I didn’t mention much about the new guy in my last post for two reasons – firstly, it didn’t seem that important versus a more serious concern you have about avoiding alcohol and I wanted to just give you support/advice and secondly haven spoken with the therapist, he pointed out that no relationship can survive the scrutiny of being under a telescope all the time (which I always do), so I’m working on it and just trying to enjoy it day to day for the moment – we’ll see how it goes.

    Tim,

    My heart is with you. Truly. You’re a lovely kind human being and Rupert was lucky to have you as a friend. You will be okay, but right now the grief is painful and you need to do whatever you need to do. I hope that with time and the lovely support you surround yourself with, that the pain will lessen and the smiles will get bigger at the fond memories.

    Lucie,

    You’re incredible! Well done, you’re making steps in the right direction all the time. Every baby step, even if you think it’s small, is a baby step in the right path. Keep it up, the baby steps add up to big steps eventually. You are a kind, warm and smart person and I’m glad this thread can help in some small way.

    Rhaenys

    The anxiety and mild panic attacks are yuck. An I know how you feel, I’m 37 about to turn 38, so I’m feeling the pressure – and in fairness it’s a biological pressure I guess, not society as such for me, but the scientific fact of having a female body….my choice is ever dwindling. But that’s life I guess and I try to tell myself that I’ve arrived where I am today, because I was meant to arrive. The medication is so light its barely perceptible but I do feel its taken the slightly out of control anxiety edge off. Who knows it might just be a placebo, but I’m going with it!

    I hope to get a nice long walk in somewhere to get some fresh air this weekend – never underestimate the power of nature!

    Be safe and well all.

    #367106
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    Yeah medication is never a long term option for me, but I find it a useful tool when needed and it doesn’t mask anything for me as I still feel everything sharply but it helps get a little more control or sense over my emotions so I can deal with them better.

    With the journalling I guess I just open a page and usually a first thought will come to me. Oh I date it, like a diary…don’t know why, but that’s what I do! My first line might be something like ‘I feel lonely…..and then the words just pour from there. I start asking myself how do I feel and I write the answer that comes down on the page and I keep going until it’s all out or my hand gets tired writing. That’s another thing, I do it with a physical notebook and pen, not on my computer.

    Rhaenys made some goof suggestions about youtube or podcasts….I find them great as they engage my mind for periods, especially if they are insightful. But it’s okay that you feel this way, it’s a pretty sucky situation at the moment – and you’re at a point in your life now it seems where the breakup has triggered other things that your soul wants to deal with. It’s all growth….painful though it may be…it’s a cracking open.

    Stay strong, you know you can do it and the few weeks isolation will be over soon and you’ll get to pound the pavement again.

    Rhaenys, I can enpathise on the work front. I was really nice inspired anymore by my last job but it was comfortable and familiar, hence I stayed there too long.

    You have great suggestions though to fill up your life outside of work, so I hope that keeps you going.

     

    #367075
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Rhaenys – thank you also for your insights and for reaching out to help people on this thread.

    It has proven a lifesaver for me on many occasions.

    Quick update on me for all: I had a chat with my GP and due to the level of change in my life right now…it’s overwhelming me a little, not to mention covid being a constant threat, so I’m going back on a very light dosage of my anti-anxiety tablet for a couple of months until I have the bandwidth to cope with everything I’m going through.

    I’m happy enough to do so because it gives me the slightest reprieve. I don’t stop feeling or anything like that, I still have all the feels and get anxious etc, but it is taking the nasty edge of – it has stopped my hands shaking as my body was wracked with anxiety going to work in the mornings for example. Plus it doesn’t have any side effects for me and I know it’s a useful short term measure for me. I’ve managed a year probably at this stage now without any medication and it’s been fine, but at the moment, it’s extraordinary circumstances.

    I’ll let you know how I’m going. I’m beginning to see the crazy fog lift the tiniest amount which is good and working from home is helping me too, so fingers crossed.

     

    #367074
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    I’m here. How are you doing? Sorry, I’ve been working from home due to new restirctions and ironically I think I work even MORE from home (to prove a point I guess) so I’ve been manic.

    How are you feeling? It’s okay that you drank last night, in the sense that you cannot change what you have already done. It’s gone and beating yourself up about it will give you absolutely no benefit. None whatsoever. Except push you in to a shame spiral which may inevitably make you feel worse and want to drink even more.

    Thing is you don’t need to drink, your brain just wants you to feel like you do because who wants to sit with loneliness? Who wants to sit with sad emotions? We all have crutches. I find it extremely difficult to just sit with myself, when I’m low that is. Other times I’m fine and even relish it, but when I’m low I need connection, I crave it. But I’m working on it. On trying to sit with the discomfort a little more each time. Actually I had a virtual session with my therapist this afternoon (on my break) and we talked about me expanding my capacity to feel anxious and upset or lonely or worried and sit with it a while longer. He said consistently doing this will eventually reduce its toll on me.

    Start your indoor routine diary. I’ve found that I’ve not been journalling much lately and it’s having an impact. The littlest things have an impact. So get a notebook and plan tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, plan the following day and so on. I even took up knitting at one point and suduko to occupy my mind at times indoors. And remember, it sux now but this too shall pass and you won’t be cooped up like this always.

     

    Adelaide,

    To this day I might bump into an ex and still have a reaction. I don’t know, it’s just a reminder of a different time, a time that had different feelings attached to it and the memory almost makes your body relive it, like their presence leaves a lasting imprint on you which is triggered when you see them. However I also think that fades with time, so that the 4th or 5th time you bump in to them, it’s a little less each time.

    I have stayed friends with exes. I don’t know how exactly, it just kind of works. They have moved on, I have moved on. They have families and stuff now so it’s not like there is ever a possibility for anything to happen again, so it works. However it depends. I’m not friends with ALL my exes. The ex who was the reason for starting this thread is not my friend. In fact, in a strange moment yesterday after zero contact, I texted him something about his parents to do with coronavirus that crossed my mind. He replied politely and also congratulated me on my new job in the city, which he had apparently heard about through the usual grapevine and that was it. I wasn’t anxious waiting for his reply, in fact, I didn’t care if he didn’t reply at all. I had no romantic feelings towards him, he is not the person I initially built him up to be in my head. He’s just…..whatever now. I don’t know if I’m just detached now or time has helped, but either way, it is what it is for now.

     

    #366910
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo, so good to hear from you. Yeah things seem to be pretty crap for both of us right now I guess. I don’t feel I’m in a great place, really upset and anxious. How have you been coping? Are you still working? Are we back to the watching Netflix survival technique again?!!!

    Adelaide, thanks so much for the advice. Yeah attachment styles can be useful frames of reference. I’m definitely anxious, potentially anxious-avoidant. I really thought he was secure initially, but then felt he was more anxious. At the moment – avoidant, so honestly I don’t know what he is.
    Trust me I know what it’s like to find dating difficult to navigate. When we feel the need for reassurance and a little more certainty. Maybe when not to heavily invested in someone to start, you could try practising moments of discomfort with less contact than you like? I feel that’s something I need to practice too. Not everyone has the same way of communicating in a relationship I guess.

    Sammy,

    I’m definitely hurt, though that was not his intention this eve. He got pretty crap job news which has thrown him and created uncertainty for him so he’s been in poor form this evening & less than super communicative.
    I tried to explain (via text as he didn’t pick up when I called) that I’m upset & hurting a bit & not sure what’s going on. He said he’s sorry I feel crap but he has a lot on his mind & doesn’t feel like getting in to it & just wants to watch tv & not think or talk about it. I explained that I am here to listen and support from someone who cares can really help a crappy day but he said he didn’t have the energy to get in to heavy stuff tonight.

    I told him I missed him and care about him and asked if he could see it from my perspective, and that I’m there to listen at any time & im not sure why he’s shutting me out. He said he’s not shutting me about but that some people like ‘quiet time’ and that if I were there he’d give me a cuddle but that he’s done talking and thinking tonight. He said he’s sorry that I’m feeling crap. I had previously suggested in the previous message meeting up tomorrow eve after I travel home after work but he said he’d rather spend tomorrow night alone.
    I said I had been looking forward to seeing him and giving him cuddles. I said that I was sorry he didn’t feel the same. I added that I’d give him a call on my journey home tomorrow with a little x at the end. He didn’t reply.

    Nothing points to this working. Nothing. I’m aware. And yet it makes me so sad to think of it not working out. I get this ache in my tummy when I imagine him not with me & going off and meeting someone else. I try not to dwell on that too much. My friend has tried to explain that some people deal with things differently and that men in particular, can deal with things without talking & that he was having a crap day & didn’t want to get in to a big heavy thing with me too on top of all that.

    Im gonna have to manage my upset through Friday and try to make it to sat & pray that he’ll accept to meet me cos I can’t let this go on any longer without sorting it out one way or another. I’m dreading this….please be on standby Tiny Buddha family as I have a feeling I may need ye badly.

    While you can’t leave the house, is there a new routine you can stick to in the house? One that would keep you on track like the runs did. My sister used to give me a notebook to write in times. Like a school class schedule to stick to to get me through from one end of the day to the next. It really helped, like she would allocate ten mins to getting dressed and brushing hair etc. Half hour meditation, half hour journaling. One hour baking etc etc and it was those baby steps that ultimately helped me get to the days when I no longer needed the list. X

    #366878
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    Dont worry I know you have good intentions. And people on here often give advice based on their reading of a situation, some of it lands true, some of it doesn’t. I appreciate the advice.

    At the moment, I’m sad. I was feeling poorly today – have a female infection- so I got a doc appointment for my lunch break. Was awake most of the night with discomfort. Anyway, I didn’t get much caring from the guy. Again, so different to how he was before. When we first met, I had to get a brain scan for an ear- ache. Unnecessary and a waste of time but doc insisted. When new guy found out he was very very put out that I hadn’t told him and that that’s something important and almost like – why wouldn’t I tell him, like he already has us as a couple in his mind. I was taken aback at the tone but also touched by his caring. Today he texted and said ‘feel better’.

    The communication has been bland again today and we were in convo via text tonight about work and the news and stuff and I asked him a question and he’s just decided to not reply further. So yeah, it’s all very strange and odd. No talk of meeting this weekend or doing anything together. So yeah, I’m sad.

    I’m also hormonal too which doesn’t help, but highly satisfied that I’m most definitely not pregnant – as there was a 1% doubt in my mind which was niggling me. But at least I can let that worry go now.

    My face is also breaking out with a coldsore like virus these past 5 wks or so. I feel like I’m just dejected in so many ways now! Btw I might not address all things you mention as it’s quite detailed and honestly, some of it doesn’t apply to even, but I read it all and reference the things I feel have relevance to me.

    I hope you’re improving slightly Sammy and are finding little distractions to keep you going for the next week or two.

    #366816
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Thanks for the advice guys. It’s so hard for me to figure things out at times between my head and heart, what my gut thinks and what I should do versus what I want to do. I can’t peg this guy. That’s my difficulty. I knew my ex so well and all his issues that he brought to the table and who I felt he was a person, but with this guy, it’s so new, I can’t get a read on him.

    Last night he was on the phone where he said he was considering watching a horror movie to just ‘feel something’. I don’t know what he meant, well I know he wanted to be scared, but actually I feel it ties in to his personality now. I don’t know if he is maybe a little depressed or down or has shut himself off somewhat, especially with the tragic loss of his younger brother last year. He’s not busy at work. That is a fact, the reason he hates it is because he literally does zero all day long, actually zero. It’s like they don’t have anything for him to do but don’t know where to put him, so his morale is low. He works out every second evening and then says all he wants to do is go to bed and listen to music and tune his brain out.

    We don’t talk every day on the phone, we text most days but that could end at lunchtime and I wouldn’t hear from him again until the next day. I called him the other night because I just wanted to talk to him but I’d say I woke him up because he had already said his goodnight by text and I think he really just wanted to hang up and sleep. It’s really fun when I’m with him and I enjoy being in his company and hanging out with him and the chemistry is definitely there then. He does know how to text because he did that constantly up until recently with constant cute messages of flirtiness and banter. So I honestly don’t know.

    Still no brave/strong enough to walk away.

    Sammy, I know 2 weeks seems so long, but I did it at the start of covid and got through it, you will too. I did a lot of puzzles to engage my mind from thinking about other things. I was lucky as I lived in the rural countryside, so I could walk everyday and still be self isolating as no-one else around! Could you do the same? You don’t have to run, even a walk can be great for the mind. Also set a challenge for yourself of learning or doing something new each day – have it as a focal point. The hormones really do contribute to the crazy dreams and all that kind of thinking, so I’m confident it will pass again.

    Rhaenys, I’m sorry to hear your in the same situation and hope you manage to make it through.

     

    #366802
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    ok basically while you have been doing immense work this past while, it’s still early relatively speaking and the routine you had developed was certainly helping you survive. I don’t think it might be at the stage where you’re magically ‘over’ him as such.

    You will deal with all emotions when the time comes, but up to now, your mind and body found a healthy way of coping and that’s perfectly normal.

    If you look back on my posts on this thread, I ALWAYS felt I was going backwards when I was sick or hormonal. It just got me out of whack entirely and I started the spiralling thoughts. But I’d hold on and say to myself, if I can just make it past this day, or this week or whatever, I have a feeling the fog will lift again and I’ll be okay.

    So don’t worry, you won’t stay like this, you’ll be back to your routine soon and in the meantime, lean on friends through the phone or computer and maybe try reading something really interesting to stop your mind from wandering.

    Im ok, my anxiety, as always, is the worst in the morning so I find that challenging but it eases out throughout the day. He’s not being super communicative again this week. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s even deliberate at this stage. He called me last night, just general chit chat. I texted him going to sleep but he didn’t respond and hasn’t viewed the messages yet this morning.

    Im going to have to say something this weekend, but it’s hard to know who to talk to him. I thought my ex was bad, but this guy is….I dunno…..sometimes immature, sometimes really deep. It’s hard to get a read on him. I would like to bring it up over the phone so I don’t have to suffer another week of anxiety but he doesn’t believe in discussing things over the phone. I see his point in one way but at the same time, we live apart for a whole week each week, without phone conversations, a lot can build up.

    Anyway, it’s tough. He was amazing when I arrived at his place last Friday and Sat and then not as amazing when I returned again to him last Sunday after I had visited with family. At the moment I feel like he’s not that excited about me. To be honest, I get the sense he’s not that excited about anything. He hates his job so much and doesn’t really have anything else he looks forward to apart from his workouts. But in the beginning he was nervous around me and always trying to see me and now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
    I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.

    I like him. Some parts I’m beginning to see I don’t like. But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. But I don’t know where his head is at.

    #366777
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy

     

    are you okay? It’s 100% normal to feel like this too. You’ve been doing so well, really helping yourself and really making progress. Just ‘cos you feel down today, does not in any way negate the progress you have made.
    You’re run down & not able to rely on your routine at the moment, so that exposes vulnerabilities & we ALL like to be taken care of from time to time. It makes us human. Not to sound like a broken record but on my bad days I stuck by the mantra, this too shall pass. And it does. You know it CAN, because you have felt better in recent weeks than you do today so it IS possible. But like life, sometimes it’s ebb and flow and right now, there is somewhat of an ebb that needs to be released from you too. So don’t worry – you will be in a better place again, but it’s okay to not be okay right now

    #366684
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Lucie, you are ALWAYS more than what your trauma would have you believe. It’s hard to acknowledge that in the midst of PTSD or anxiety, but try to keep it close to your heart somewhere. In my previous job, I printed out the saying ‘This Too Shall Pass’ and placed it at the bottom of my computer and any time I read it, I reinforced the idea that no matter how bad I felt, it would eventually ease. You are surviving and that in itself is an achievement, so you are achieving. Be proud of yourself for that. Keep up with whatever tips work for you. Writing everything down without thinking too much about exactly what you want to write is also useful. do it continuously and see after a week or two what comes up for you.

    Thank you so much for your kind advice. It makes so much sense and I definitely wish I had more self worth, it just doesn’t seem to be there. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not for the want of trying. I have worked hard over the past number of years on my self awareness and anxiety. But I guess the root problem remains.

    Sammy,

    It’s so reassuring to hear your attitude is now so far from how you felt when you first started posting here. How far you have come! Well done on growing so much these past few weeks and months.

    I’m okay. Anxiety is pretty bad again today – it goes straight to my stomach, so there is no way of ignoring it. It churns and churns, I didn’t sleep well last night. I went straight from my job to the new guy’s place (a long drive!) last Friday evening. I was expecting the worst after the horrendous week I had put in. When I got there, it was lovely. Genuinely lovely. He was in good form, very much like he was at the start and the way I had become accustomed to. He was happy to see me, kind, caring, funny, affectionate. So I went with it and enjoyed our time. I was preparing to leave early on Saturday as I had an appointment to go to as I felt he would be caught up with the guys. But as it turned out, he said he had wanted to spend most of Sat with me as he wasn’t meeting up with the guys until later on Sat. I said it was miscommunication but felt better that he did in fact want to spend time with me. He was talking about coming and staying with me in the city on weekends when I move into a more permanent place etc and it was all nice.

    I went home on Sat and he was messaging me for most of the day and texted to say he missed me (though I suspect he had a beer or two at that stage) but it was still nice to hear.

    Anyway, I drove down to his place again on Sun afternoon to stay over and drive back to the city first thing this morning. However yesterday when I arrived, he was a little different to how he had been on Friday. It was all such small things, you wouldn’t even notice them probably if you weren’t me, but I felt he wasn’t as caring or as interested on the Sunday. Now I realise he was a little hungover, but he was still in pretty decent shape. I left super early this morning, practically the middle of the night, after twisting and turning most of the night. I just started to get super anxious again. I don’t know why. I felt he was frustrated with me, I could be completely projecting here. That’s the thing. I can’t feel my gut instinct at the moment because anxiety makes me not understand my feelings and which ones are real and which are just constructs of the anxiety.

    So my tummy is still upside down today after being totally fine at the weekend and I’m super exhausted.

     

    #366497
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    That’s incredible, your outlook has changed so much in such a short time, I’m really happy to hear you are doing much better than you were. Exercise and focus and reframing your thoughts are excellent tools, so well done and I hope you’re giving yourself credit for the growth and work you’ve already done.

    I didn’t go further with my friend because to be honest, the attraction wasn’t really there for me to the extent I needed it to be. I didn’t pursue it further because my gut was telling me, he’s not for me. I just wasn’t feeling it, but he’s a good person and I hope he will be happy in a relationship with someone wonderful some day.

    I don’t have deeper feelings for the new guy than my ex because I know him a much much shorter duration. Yet, I can’t seem to walk away. Kkasxo would have spoken previously about the curse of imagined potential….and I suppose I had let my heart and imagination run away with the potential of it working out and now I want that. Even though right now it doesn’t appear to be on offer. I wish I could stand up for myself and show myself how much I’ve grown, but evidently I haven’t because I still want someone who is only lukewarm now towards me. I think the most difficult aspect for me was the gushing adoration at the start and the fun and kindness and consideration he gave me, had he always been lukewarm and a bit ‘meh’ I would have walked away, but he was very much all about a serious relationship at the start and expressing in many ways how much he liked me. Perhaps I was fooled and I read too much in to that.

    I have been alone – as in single-  for a large part of my life apart from my relationship with my ex. However I have a strong circle of family and friends. When I went travelling to Oz & NZ, I did so alone, so I guess I tested some of my capability then.

    I definitely know in the height of my anxiety I was afraid to be alone as I felt I was spiralling out of control and wouldn’t be able to cope and would do something stupid.

    The new guy texted some today, but nothing flirty or anything, just about his work and his day. I honestly have no idea what is going on. If he wanted out, you’d think he’d ghost or just call it….so I don’t have a clue what he is thinking tbh.

    #366464
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    my previous guy friend (who is still my friend), didn’t make me feel bad when we’re dated. Since then, as a friend he has let me down a couple of times, he has many great qualities, but also sometimes things that don’t sit well with me. But right now he’s being a good friend.

    new guy doesn’t know about anxiety as we haven’t been dating a very long time and I didn’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable at this stage. I certainly don’t feel like opening up to someone currently who is gone quite cold. He would have some knowledge of mental health issues as he lost his younger brother sadly last year.

    yes I hate to be alone. It frightens me. However, I did go off travelling by myself which I thought helped my growth in this sense. But yet here I am, I reach out a lot. Be it my therapist, tiny Buddha, my sister, various friends. I pull pull pull info & opinion from lots of people about one thing, in an effort to rationalise it I suppose.

    I have to say I can hardly believe I’m corresponding with the same Sammy. Your perception has massively changed – well done, you are really doing well

     

    #366422
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo, if you pick up your messages, I’d love to hear from you.

    Hi all, I’m struggling now. Not much sleep. All of the advice is what I already know. However my logic brain is not what’s running the programme at the moment. I’m in an anxiety spiral of hurt and upset and can’t see the wood for the trees.

    All I feel I want now is him. Which is infantile in some ways. I don’t understand what’s happening. I would normally go to therapy but have some light shed on it, but my therapist is on leave this week.

    We sort of argued on the phone last night when I suggested driving to his place after work this evening to spend a few hours with him. He said he wouldn’t feel good about that as it’s a three hour drive and he doesn’t want me running myself in to the ground. Again, makes sense, but all I heard was….I don’t want to see you. And then he started to sigh and say “i know what you’re thinking now…..that I don’t want to see you….but that’s not the case.”
    I texted him after phone call and said that I’m a pretty genuine and open person and I don’t know why he keeps describing me as moody (even when I’m in great form?!) and that I was just trying to make an effort.
    he replied and said it’s not his job to look out for me and that he wouldn’t feel good about me making such a long journey and good night. No sweetness etc

    I replied again saying that I hoped he realised the gesture at least and he said he did and appreciated it and that he hoped I realised that he does actually want me there. I explained that women need to hear these things sometimes and that then they can make sensible choices – like not doing a long drive. He hasn’t replied since then but it was late.

    I don’t expect to hear from him a lot today or in the coming days. I feel as though he’s rubbing his forehead thinking this is all getting too heavy and hard work and will kind of ease off the communication over the next while and just look forward to his boys weekend.

    anyway, I know all the good advice, I just need to know how to cope right now. For each moment, to get me through. I’m not near strong enough or self confident enough to take the bigger steps etc. I’m just in a ball at the moment & feel lost and scared. (Anyone reading this thread will recognise these sentences from my first couple of posts ever!) but here I am again- it is what it is.

    #366368
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Tim,

    I had started a reply last night to you and got caught up in the middle of it and had to abandon the post, because I wanted to give it the proper time to write the right words to you to express how sad I am to hear of Ruperts passing. I completely and utterly sympathise and empathise. Dogs and pets, but especially dogs are incredible creatures. They give you unconditional love and a bond that asks nothing of you but to be yourself and love them back. They are a constant, a familiar stable kind warm soul, always there to be an anchor in your life. It is so sad that they live such short lives and we must say goodbye, but he was a journey mate. He was with you for a reason for so many years and once his journey and service to you was done, he moved on when the time was right. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get to grieve just as you would for any other significant loss in you life, because for me, to be honest I like dogs more than I like humans most of the time. Rest well Rupert.

    Sammy, I have been a ball of anxiety. Hello my life circa…. 2018……!!! Basically I know what you have all said, I know what my advice would be to a friend or one of you, should you find yourselves in the same situation and yet I can’t do it. He told me o Saturday that he has a life plan and that me moving away kind of put a major obstacle in the way. He says he likes me as much as always and that if that were the problem he would just say ‘thanks but I don’t think it’s working between us, goodbye’, but he says it’s hard because he does like me. He said he doesn’t know where his head is at, he didn’t meet me Sat to end it, but neither can he commit and he knows that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he can’t change the way he feels or the lack of answers he has right now. Basically he also said he hadn’t planned on having a big depressing upsetting convo on Sat and just wanted to hang out of do things so I said okay and we spent the day walking around, eating, he did a little shopping etc. We were holding hands and it felt nice. However I felt compelled to bring it up again when we returned to the car and he seemed to be getting anguished having such a conversation again. It was a very brick wall convo and I didn’t see the point in trying to continue it so he said he’d drop me home. When we arrived at my house I asked did he want me to call over to his place (seeing as how I established that he didn’t intend to stay in mine) but he said maybe we should leave it SAt night until things settled a bit.

    He again said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me and I explained that communication is sometimes a bit scant and that things had changed and he didn’t fill me in and I was therefore confused and he asked ‘am i not allowed to change my mind….surely everyone should be allowed?” Anyway, I agreed to see him on the sunday afternoon and we said we’d cook dinner together in his place. So we met up, did some shopping for dinner supplies and he was in good form and affectionate etc and we made dinner and hung out. As we sat watching tv that evening I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t say anything but I was constantly anxious. If he was not cuddling me for maybe 5-10 mins I became worried etc. As the night went on, I just felt that 1% was not right and yes while I’m self aware and know that I can snowball, I still knew it wasnt the same as it had been previously.

    He was working the next morning and I was off work, so he told me to take the spare key and lie on on bed for a while. I stayed maybe 30 mins more in bed and then let myself out and put the key back in the post box. Anyway since then I’ve remained anxious. He has been texting etc but it’s just not like before. I had become accustomed to his outward expressions of affection, flirtiness etc and now, while that hasn’t disappeared totally, it’s definitely not the same. I realise I cringed a bit at first with the outpouring of his feelings for me, but it wore on me and I eventually became quite happy to get that kind of communication. Now I miss it.

    He said he’d see me this coming weekend. However this evening he has texted me to ask is it ok if he has a sleepover/drinks party (I’d imagine) with his two best buddies on Sat night. So I don’t know what that means. Again….it’s okay….I feel you all screaming at the computer!!! Haha! I don’t know, I want him and I don’t know why. As in, I know what I like about him, but this is not great behaviour from him, though not intentional. But the gap is always there that we’re not in a relationship…so does that mean I’m an option and if something better comes along, he’ll be done with me. My friend says I’m catastrophising, but here I am, nonetheless. I don’t have the strength to walk away, I’m in a strange city in a job I hate with no support network and suffer so bad with anxiety. At least in the past I had all my support network and familiar job to get me through the tough times after my ex.  The new guy is not trying to call me tonight (which he used to do) and is just sending me texts but no content as such in them, just light stuff. I don’t know how to cope with this.

    Lucie,

    You’re human and no matter how many times you contemplate doing something like wanting to end it all, something inside you will fight. We are survivors, our species survives. Its years of evolution. You will survive. This too shall pass. Maybe not soon but it WILL pass. keep working on it. Try any and all tips you’ve read on here and this is EXACTLY what this forum is for. It made me feel so much less alone and when i met @kkasxo I really felt like someone got exactly what I was going through.

    Thank you so much for your kind words about me – I genuinely am so taken aback by you being able to make such observations in the midst of your own trauma. That’s amazing. I know what I should be doing, but I’m sure you know all too well that it’s not that easy sometimes. Our emotions, experiences, traumas, conditioning get in the way. I have to admit, one of the things that attracted me to this guy was really that he made me feel very special at the start in fairness. But I couldn’t have known it would end up like this.

    Please try the meditation on your phone if you a smartphone – i find Sarah Blondin particularly comforting when I’m scared or anxious.

    Please continue to post here and we will help you as much as we can. You are not alone.

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