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Shelbyville

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  • #299613

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    Thanks for the support, for someone who feels extremely lonely lately, it means so much. You guys truly make me feel better and not as scared.

    Kkasxo, do you get tired of the journey sometimes? I confess I do. It’s all well and good on this voyage of constant self discovery but honestly some days I say to my therapist….I’m exhausted! Can’t I just sit back and be happy?! He laughs and says ‘ah the burden of self-awareness’ and says Im still much better off now that being blissfully ignorant! We shall see!

    I’m not ready to go out and try and find someone new to form a lasting relationship with and discover if I want children with them. But I’m 37 this year and aware that if I want to achieve that in my life, it has to be attempted within a fairly short time frame and that makes me sad and panicky. Im not ready.

    Michelle,

    You are so very kind. I enjoy each contribution from you. I don’t really understand fully this whole scared voice thing that really does convince me of certain feelings. Is it not real as such? Because I do feel that there is some credence in what it says….even though pessimistic and negative, I can’t actually say ok…it is impossible for you not to meet someone and live blissfully Shelby. While Martha is negative, it’s also a bona fide possibility too. And that element appeals to my personality which seeks to see matters from many perspectives, even if not the most positive.

    I know I’m hurting more this week, I feel it. I think I was a bit skeptical of getting off rather lightly this time compared to the previous two times, but I figured I was in a different head space. But definitely the reminders are more prominent this week and to be honest, I had not considered the scene of the latest breakup since it occurred 4 weeks ago, but now that scene is starting to filter into my head. It’s weird. Perhaps I was in denial.

    I did facetime my sister whilst I was upset and she was so caring and helpful. I explained that I didn’t know why I was upset to be honest, and she said she often feels the same and it’s usually after a significantly busy period when things start to slow down again and she has to adjust to change or a slower pace of life again. It was comforting to have someone explain things a little more rationally.

    Honestly Michelle, I don’t know what I want. I thought I knew, but now I know nothing. Im going to save my money and not go away next week and put it in the pot for bigger travel in September, so I’ll try and keep that goal in my head. I might drive somewhere a few hours away and stay in a guesthouse in a nice area for a little break in the meantime. I’d love to be like you…and Kkasxo…ye seem to be far more secure than I could ever be.

    Also, the reality tv thing did make me smile! Wow, I can’t imagine every putting myself out there like that! How brave! I can imagine so much reality tv is constructed these days though! I think Love Island is just mindless nonsense that allows me to ‘switch off’ my own brain/thoughts for an hour!

    Oh….an old friend, the last one in a particular group of friends from college apart from myself not yet married, announced he’s engaged. So only little old me left single. Im so happy for him because he’s a sweetheart, but i think it made me feel more alone. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up ten years ago and do things differently haha!

    #299485

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    whatever the written equivalent of ‘a sight for sure eyes’- that’s ye this evening. I’m finding it tough. I don’t know why, I’m just down. Sad.

    Firstly though, Kkasxo…..hello!!!! Is this the same woman I was communicating with a few months ago? Who couldn’t find the will to get out of bed, who thought she would feel that way forever more????!!! How wonderful that you have turned such a corner and appear to be in much better frame of mind, you’re wonderful! You give me hope!

    Im so glad you have found somewhere you consider your safe space, that’s a treasure. I’m sorry to hear about all the loss and sadness in your general circle, it’s quite like that here too and it can be hard. Life can deal some tough blows and I guess each person has to manage and cope as best they can.

    Michelle,

    You’ve given me such inspiration for travel, thank you for taking the time to offer advice on this, maybe you could have your own blog some day! Having said that, I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Well I do……distraction is a great coping mechanism….for a while. But it comes to an end.

    I’m lonely. Without you on this forum I’d be swallowed up by my loneliness I think. The house is so quiet. I’m extremely uncomfortable just sitting in peace now, on my own. I feel much better when my Dad arrives home to have someone to at least converse with.

    I feel like crying today, first time really in a month since the final split. I’m scared I’m missing out on something, that I’m not doing things right, that it’s all wrong. That it’s too late.

    I made this bed, I must sleep in it. My dad lost my mum and was lucky enough after her passing to meet an incredible wonderful woman who he loved just as much. He lost her also to illness and now I wonder is this how he feels on a daily basis.

    I didn’t lose anyone to death and I’m so so lonely and sad and he has lost two, how does he cope? Is this the life he leads now with no hope as such for it getting better, it makes me so so sad for him too. He could be feeling like me times a hundred each day but doesn’t dwell and gets on with things and I can’t cope for one single week.

    Ok the tears have arrived. I don’t know what’s up with me at all. I tried to talk myself out of it this evening, saying I have a wonderful family and friends and a future of possibilities but it feels too late, it all feels like the sand has shifted through my fingers and it’s gone.

    Im sorry to bring such a downer on the thread when you two have been so great with keeping it upbeat this week. X

    #299313

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    So..the weekend off……so far…… has been difficult. I must have used ‘being busy’ for so long as a coping mechanism, I feel at a loss/my wits end, without anything to do.

    I caught up on Love Island (don’t judge, I’m addicted!!) and did some laundry and went for a long walk…..but honestly…..I’m bored. And when I’m bored and have time to think, thoughts of the ex creep in. I thought I was doing well, but maybe I was kidding myself because I was in fact just avoiding thinking about it whilst so busy.

    I don’t know what to do with my life. I have no new plan. Okay, so maybe now I realise the previous plan will never happen and maybe now I wonder would it ever have worked given the type of person he is/was, but no clue how to feel as good again as I did when I spent time with him.

    Some days I do get a tiny bit of excitement at the thoughts of a better future and maybe someone truly better for me and a life full of happiness, but that feeling doesn’t last too long. I start to feel then that this is my lot, I’m blessed in many ways with a job, friends, family and my health (mostly) – so I realise that’s a lot more than some people, but is this it. Will I just try and make myself happy with this and how do I go about that?!

    Sorry, a little off topic from the previous few posts, but a day of solitude can do that!

    #299097

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Thanks for all the advice….wow… you really are a guru of the travel and exploration world! Sorry for the delay, I was up to my tonsils with study for exams and work and needed time to digest all your advice.

    The door wedge is an excellent idea. I will check with my local pharmacist and doctor about my medication. But narrowing down the location is proving the most difficult. I really feel like a small break the week after next, as I’m so exhausted and my head is fried with all i have been through, but at the same time I’m conscious that if I plan to go away for a bigger trip a couple of months later, I should save my money!

    I just know that if I’m at home on my week off, I will end up cleaning and cooking and doing jobs for my Dad and around the house, I don’t mind that at all, but would be nice to actually get a proper break somewhere.

    I finally have a weekend off!! Wohoo!!! So looking forward to this weekend with no plans ahead. Well….It’s Fathers Day Sunday so the family will visit and I’ll be on dinner duty but that’s every sunday anyway, so nothing big out of the ordinary at least! Couldn’t come at a better time.

    Also not one word from my ex since, I have been….’ghosted’ by the man I thought I’d spend my life with. I know he’s doing the right thing, doesn’t make me less annoyed. But off with him. Im too tired to care anymore!

    How has your week been Michelle and Kkasxo? I hope it’s going well with some nice highlights x

    #298239

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I know ALL about it! Work was crazy there for  me for about a month and I had barely time to sleep, let alone go online to tiny buddha! It sounds like you have found your special place, to feel safe and make your own! How do you feel about it? About living with the bf (?)? Do you think it would be the kind of place you will be happy to stay and feel stable in, even after family leaves or if something were to happen in your relationship? If so, I’m thrilled, well done you! Also I hope things are going well with your relationship and it’s amazing that you are now approaching life differently after all you have been through. You massively deserve a happy life! I missed you on here!

     

    Michelle,

    Would you believe, my friend who owns a hill walking company just mentioned to me in the past few days, how there are many parts of Wales which are beautiful to travel to! I have only ever driven through Wales once on my way towards London, but never stayed! I have a week off at the end of June where I just wanted to grab a few days away to clear my head, but the weather might be a deterrent – sunny Spain can be very appealing…and affordable!!! But we’ll see, Cornwall is also in the mix!

    As for more travel, I don’t think I could be away from my little babies and toddlers in the family for as long as a year. I adore them and would miss them too much and would miss a lot of their development. But I don’t want to put a timeframe on it either because I might love it or I might hate it, so I want the option to return home in 3 weeks if I’m lonely, or be gone for 3 months if I so choose.

    I suppose you are right, I feel comfortable going to countries where I have the language. The ex could speak some Spanish so that was quite handy for many areas. I speak school French but that’s about it. I did Italian in university but never kept it up. It’s funny, South America and South East Asia never really appealed to me, probably because I was too scared maybe of the culture shock or going alone! Although I have dreamed of places like Tibet and Cambodia and Bali!!

    In the U.S I would hope to be able to stay with friends in NYC, Boston, Wisconsin, but other than that, would have to see accommodation. Slow travel is such a wonderful concept….I like it! I love history and I love being outside but I’m not brilliant with severe heat. High 20s is about the best I can manage!

    I would like to depart Sept/Oct at the latest. Are there any particular safety tips for travelling alone, little things I could buy or insurance I could purchase? Also, this might seem silly, but I take medication for anxiety (hopefully not for long more) but I get it on a monthly basis, I wonder how it works if you need that medication abroad.

    Ooh, I actually can’t believe I’m even writing about this…denial….I must be in complete denial…..!!!!

    #298205

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks for your contribution Anita, I do appreciate it. Perhaps you are right and maybe I did try for something for myself, for my own desire. I guess it’s just a pity, I couldn’t achieve it in that instance. I do want more than a ‘meh’ life though, you’re right, I deserve more than that.

    Michelle,

    It’s hard to let go of what I have known for so long. And the guilt. I truly care about those close to me and I can’t imagine doing things that would deliberately hurt them, it wouldn’t seem right to me to seek enjoyment at someone else’s expense.

    Right now, I don’t know how I feel. I’m definitely not as bereft as the first two times, my ex and I split, but I don’t know if that’s because I’m in denial. I’ve been so busy lately, I’ve not had time to think about much. I’m half afraid it’s all going to hit me yet and I’ll come crashing down again. But not before tomorrow and Wednesday, I have my exams I have to get through first. After that….come what may.

    I have really been thinking more and more about travel. I wonder can you help me? Oz and NZ are still in the back of my head, but I must admit I’m not CRAVING going there. There are places I would prefer more. I genuinely love the United States, such a vast amount of places to see, but it’s expensive and not exactly what people would consider a ‘bucket list’ gap year experience! Also, in terms of OZ, I’m a little concerned about my chronic pain, being particularly bad the past month, how manageable would the flights be etc?

    I really think I want to travel, I know it will be hard alone, especially with a bad back, but I have always found preparation is key in things I do. It makes me feel more confident and assured. Are there any ways to save money, tips for travelling alone, places you would really recommend for someone in my mindset at the moment? Sorry for them bombardment of questions!

     

    @kkasxo, have you moved in? How’s it all going?

     

     

    #297283

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Morning all,

    Well things are today…finally settling down. It’s been a hectic few weeks. But of course, now I am starting to hurt more. I admit I have no idea how to live my life. I don’t feel happy or fulfilled. I miss my ex in some ways, and not in other ways. I had no notion of thinking about him after we split for good a few weeks ago, I said he’s long gone and I did everything I could. Now the raw neediness tears at the edges of my heart again. I still have the urge….I won’t contact him, I just won’t. The last break was too much and I’m way more mad this time. He said he fears HE would resent ME down the road and that has completely gotten my back up. That one sentence has closed the door entirely for me. But I still miss being with him.

    I’m not sure what my purpose in life is. I’m going through a bit of an existential crisis I guess. I feel like I’m a good friend – as much as I can be –  and a good sister, daughter and aunt. Is that what my life is meant to be? Am I meant to be here for them and try and make their lives better? I just can’t see anything that will fulfill me right now. Plus I get overwhelmed thinking about what’s meant to happen next.

    Life is hard, really hard in my opinion. Many many times I wish I could go back to my 20s when I was blissfully ignorant and way less self aware. Things were much easier to deal with and I felt content, even if it wasn’t real contentment. It felt like it at the time.

    My course is finished now so I have exams next week. So I guess I’ll keep studying this week and try and figure things out as I go. I feel really sad, not just about the relationship…although mostly….but sad in general. I’m sad and down. I hope life gets better soon. x

    #296427

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Ruth,

    Ive has a rollercoaster few months so it’s hard to know what progress, if any, I’m making. Perhaps if I had stayed broken up with my ex last Sept, it would be more linear and maybe we could figure out the progress but at the moment, I don’t know where I am…

    Am I back to Square one- has square one yet to come, am I on square 6 and further along that I realise? Absolutely no clue.

    Michelle, I had replied to your post earlier but it seems my network was down and it didn’t send. Basically I was just saying that I don’t know how I am. A bit like Kkasxo, I have to kind of block it out for now cos it’s the only thing that seems to be keeping me going and able to function.

    There is a memorial for my mum this weekend and I’ve been booked to do makeup – eek- after finishing my course. So nervous. But I have to start somewhere!

    As for travel, it’s not a great week to think about it as I’m exhausted and the thought of even travelling to the shop seems too much. I feel a little lost if I’m honest. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. x

     

    #296015

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Im zombie tired. A major crisis at work meant I’ve been working straight through the night the past few days and nights. Eventually got home at 6am today and slept until this evening.

    Early start for me again tomorrow but at least it’ll be back to routine. Adrenaline kept me going since the split with my ex and the distraction of a busy busy life right now. However today, with it finally slowing down & me being exhausted, anxiety and sadness are creeping back in.

    Corinne, thanks for the advice. Sounds about right. But I can’t think about him anymore. I’ve spent 4.5 years trying to figure him out, trying to see his perspective and empathise, trying to help him grow, I did all you suggested during those years. It didn’t work, he was too scared, didn’t want to, didn’t feel I was worth it, I don’t know. But I can’t keep hoping, because that is what has destroyed me I think.

    I have to try and live the life I’m left with, sad and depressing as it might be. It’s what I’ve been dealt, so maybe I don’t get the happy ever after, I just gotta accept this is my life now and try to forgot about what I could have had.

    Ill give a better update when I get some more sleep. Thanks all x

    #294905

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    Im back to my therapist today after a little break, so I’ll see how that goes.

    The past few days have been bearable, but I’m trying to think was it like this previously too. I feel there may be an element of numbness or denial at play here first.

    I haven’t had too much anxiety until last night and today. I spoke to that guy I used to date a long time ago, as we were actually getting on great as friends now, and he updated me on a new relationship he has entered and I don’t know if that made me worse. I dunno, just feeling like I’m the only one left behind.

    Its hard to know what to do next. If I’m honest, I don’t actually know if I want to go to Oz. That was a desire I once had but I wonder was the ‘idea’ of it more appealing that actually doing it. I definitely want to travel, I’m just not sure Oz is the one…..

    Work is crazy at the moment so I’m trying to keep that going along with my course. I’m meeting friends for dinner and drinks later and I’m dreading it. Myself and my 23year old girl mate had booked a hotel in the city so I could have a drink and not worry about driving home. But honestly, all I want after my course tonight is to head to my own bed.

    Kkasxo, so lovely to hear from you. I’ve been missing you! How’s the house decorating going?

    #294427

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    Thank you. I don’t regret it. I’m heartbroken again yes, bu I still don’t regret it. I did what I felt was right for me at the time.

    I wish I could be mad, but it’s just not there. He tried. He physically & mentally could not do it. So I can’t make someone who say..can’t sing a note, sing beautifully, just because I want them to, even though their vocal chords simply won’t let them. I fell in love with someone who can’t sing. It’s unfortunate, but I suppose it’s nobody’S fault.

    So no screaming or yelling this time, just sadness. A low heart and some crying. I may be in denial stage right now, I don’t know.

    You really hit a chord in my chest with your last line Michelle. I don’t know how you can know/believe that, but it made me cry. I guess maybe I’ve never believed it x

    #294415

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks Michelle.</p>
    It hurts no less this time afraid. Not sure what to do, back into survival mode I guess.

    #294323

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    It comes as no surprise to anyone reading this, albeit still a surprise to me, that I am back where I started. With a broken heart.

    I don’t need to pick through it, I don’t need to analyse it anymore, it is over and will not work. He ended it last night, something I thought he was committed to not doing this time round.

    However, some people cannot overcome who they are or change who they are no matter how hard they try.

    I’m just so sad and trying to deal with it alone this time and hide it from others as obviously I hadn’t told anyone, except my cousin.

    This is just the life destined for me. So be it.

    #294225

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Gosh, there is a lot to think about Michelle. Haven’t a clue where to start! Could be all or none of the above. I do like the idea that you get strong by doing things you are afraid of, not because you’re naturally confident!

    Again, it’s been another insane week. I’ve had exams and mock exams for various parts of my course, my sisters bother needed help minding their kids and getting them to school during the week. Then my toddler nephew ended up in hospital and it was a lack of sleep and stress and worry but all okay now.

    Also I’m going to the hospital this afternoon for a scan on something that has been niggling at me and it’s my godsons christening this weekend- it’s a spiral that won’t slow down!

    As for IKEA….I am DYING to hear how @kkasxo is getting on!

    #293343

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    What I wouldn’t give to be drinking lovely Spanish wine on a balcony right now!

    My day job is extremely stressful and I achieved a university masters to get into this industry, my employer pays atrociously poorly. I suppose I’m at the stage of life now, where I want to actually have something to show for myself & not live in constant overdraft.

    I have secured a small loan however to follow through on my travel plans, even if I’m scared, I should just do it.

    I’m unsure if I make the right or wrong decisions in life. I’m in a situation with the ex which I knew I was getting into, yet somehow seem surprised if things happen in a certain way. I don’t know, I’m trying to be this strong resilient secure person, but I am who I am too and maybe that’s just me.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 538 total)