Forum Replies Created
April 8, 2020 at 5:40 am #348250
I appreciate the intention. I thank you for your contributions over the months. In response, I don’t see it as you in any way trying to hurt me and looking at it through the periscope of kindness, I can see you want me to be happy. So thank you.
I don’t have an issue with constructive criticism. Much of what is given to me as constructive criticism throughout my life is nothing new to me whatsoever, so I don’t feel defensive about it, but I know I take some on board and some I don’t. For whatever reasons. I’m sorry if you felt ignored. Sometimes I just didn’t have the energy or capacity to analyse every post and respond individually to every single contribution. We are all unique individuals and exist in this world today having gone through individual and unique life experiences, though some experiences may resonate with other people, we are all conditioned uniquely and have different feelings, emotions and souls. I have a great difficulty with the words ‘should’ and ‘wrong’. A million times a year I can feel like someone else or myself ‘should’ do this or that or what they/I did was ‘wrong’, but those words hold too much judgement for me, and I feel in my own self that on this earth no one single person has a right to judge anyone else. It’s just my philosophy, I just don’t want anyone, ever, to feel judged by me, so I try to steer clear of placing emphasis on those types of descriptions.
I feel I have taken on board some sage advice from this thread. I will not claim to have taken it all on board, but there have certainly been actions I have taken and am proud of myself for doing so. I’m human, I’m learning and I suspect as time goes on I will learn a lot more. Michelle’s contributions have always been welcome and just because I might have felt they were direct from time to time, didn’t mean I listened to them any less or appreciated them any less. There is so much common sense in what she says. In life, we take on board much advice from people around us, we don’t often take it all and I’m not someone who relies wholly on other people’s advice, I listen, process and store it as needs be.
I know exactly the writing on the wall regarding my ex. The advice that has been given to me is not something new to me. But sometimes in life, it’s just nice to vent and rant on an anonymous online forum where you can let out whatever crap goes on in your mind and feel comfort that some of your messiness resonates with someone else and you feel a little less alien and a little more normal. Some people you resonate with, others you don’t, but I’ve always tried to be supportive when I can. I don’t mind staying on here for years to come facing hard truths from contributors, I like considered experienced advice, even if it’s hard hitting at times, it’s the only way to grow sometimes. However, this forum doesn’t bring me the same feeling it once did. Lately I have just felt not as happy logging in as I was in the past….well not happy in the past….but you know what I mean I hope….. it’s just causing me a little more upset/anxiety than I’m up for right now. Could be the extraordinary circumstances we’re in for sure, i definitely know anxiety levels for everyone are increased. i’m not logging off to avoid hard advice, on the contrary, I will definitely consider the hard advice I’ve been given and indeed stopping with the current therapist is definitely worth thinking about and doing. Thank you all for your contributions, I sincerely mean it when I say they were appreciated. I have very much considered and kept some gems of advice, in case you believe I haven’t, I truly have.
@michelle, I’m truly sorry if you felt I lacked sensitivity towards your circumstances. Hand on heart, that was not intentional. I suspect from the little I know of your online presence that you certainly don’t seek out sympathy or in fact want any circumstances to become the focal point of your life. You know yourself best and make measured and experienced decisions so thank you for all you have contributed over this thread. You have had more impact that you may realise. I do wish you the very best going forward and keep on travelling! A life well lived indeed.
@kkasxo….my first Tiny Buddha friend! Honestly, I feel you got me more than most. Though vastly different circumstances in some respects, you always made me feel less alone. I do hope this is not the end of our communication forever. You are a special lady. Thank you.
All – thanks so much for your contributions. Perhaps you might like to start a new thread now to continue the amazing support you can get from the Tiny Buddha community. There are some amazing people on here. Stay safe all, let’s hope 2020 finishes better than it started and we all become stronger than ever. xApril 7, 2020 at 9:08 am #348104
Do you see already how strong you are? Not long ago you were on the floor in the pits of despair, ready to take your own life over the loss. Currently you are reaching out to strangers asking how you can help them? If that’s not an absolute major shift of willpower and growth and resilience, I don’t know what is! You’re doing really well, considering what you’ve been through.
Yes you’re right, I started the thread in Oct 2018, but the process was hampered slightly I guess as I reunited with my ex for a third time in March 2019 and we split again in May 2019. Also while I still ruminate about that relationship, I can function now. my functioning ability was minimal in Oct 2018 and honestly, at the time I could not see any way out of it, but I’m glad I’m ib a better (albeit not completely out of it) position right now. I’ll consider what you said about the therapist, it has given me food for thought and might be an avenue worth considering.
I’M OUT OF SELF ISOLATION THOUGH! WOHOO!!! What this means is that I can now move freely around my home….who knew such small pleasures would mean so much! But I can do laundry again, I can cook again, I can do chores to make the day pass quicker….so this makes me happy currently. Still no results from the Covid 19 test, we have fallen somewhat behind due to a global shortage of certain elements needed in the labs to determine test results. In one way, I hope I did indeed have it, because if so, I got off pretty lightly in terms of symptoms and will also have better immunity towards it in future but most importantly, despite having it, I didn’t pass it on to my vulnerable father, which would be the biggest win of all. However, reality would tell me that it’s unlikely I had it as the virus is so contagious, it would seem miraculous to have had it and not passed it on to another person in my household.
CB, it’s an extraordinarily difficult time in your life right now and adjusting or adapting is going to take time, processing and little steps day by day. One day it won’t be as painful, keep looking forward to that day and remind yourself that one day, what you’re feeling now will have passed.
I know the PM is in ICU now with Covid, it’s strange times we’re living in across the world. But we have humans in this world that have created the most unbelievable and extraordinary things in this world, cures, technologies, so I have faith that humans, albeit caught off guard by this, will adapt and accept and figure out a way to survive. Survival is what we do, as a species.
Hang in there all . xApril 4, 2020 at 10:54 am #347066
I haven’t read through all messages but glanced at most, and thank you all for your contributions.
Hope you are all keeping well and managing as best you can. It’s a difficult time in so many different respects for so many people and the one thing that helped me greatly about 18months ago when I started this thread was that I always looked forward to responses and support from the community on here. A place where you can dump whatever you need to, to get it out of your head and gain someone else’s perspective, no judgement, just support and an ear.
Still no results from my test, but I’ll be out of self isolation in 2.5 more days and you can’t imagine the excitement I feel to be able to move around different parts of my home again and cook again etc. It’s the little things. Currently learning Spanish to keep my mind engaged and also with a view towards having another great language to use when I go travelling again.
Stay well and stay safe all.April 2, 2020 at 2:04 pm #346780
It’s definitely a struggle at the moment Kkasxo, but it could be worse…..and is for some people, so I’m trying to find gratitude where I can. I really feel ya regarding your family. I miss mine so much, I’m lucky to live with my Dad but I might aswell live alone right now as I’m in self isolation and can’t expose him to any risk so we steer clear of each other. I miss hugs, especially with the kids. I didn’t realise how much I needed them. The littlest ones don’t understand and keep asking why I can’t come see them when we chat on FaceTime.
I can definitely imagine how tense things can get in confined quarters with the same person day in day out. Everyone I know seems to be struggling with that right now, I think I would struggle with it too were I with my ex and we were quarantined together. I feel like this crisis is gonna make some things in our worlds clearer when we emerge, who knows.
Right now I’m trying to put up a little bit of an inflatable raft around myself at the moment so as not to let my empathy wash me out to sea, there is such collective despair, it’s hard not to…..feel.
Today I heard from you though & you’re alive and surviving – so I’m gonna put that down in my gratitude column for the day. Stay safe & hang in there xApril 2, 2020 at 10:51 am #346738
I’m okay, I’ve had the test, but am awaiting results, so still in self isolation. I see this thread has been very active whilst I’ve been away from it and I would love to be helpful but I find the collective anxiety, fear and upset in the world right now is weighing on me and I’m getting a little flooded and a little overwhelmed.
I worry about my family and those close to me, I rarely watch the news but when I do I start to get panic attacks worrying about the poor older and more vulnerable people, I worry about the healthcare staff, I worry about the economy…and so it goes on. I can’t stop thinking about some particular circumstances like the 13 year old who died and their family and how they will grieve without the support for extended family and friends etc, anyway, I do not want to contribute to more anxiety on this thread, I’m just explaining why I’m finding it all overwhelming right now. The global pandemic is A LOT to come to terms with and then of course, it’s not as if other problems in our lives magically disappear.
My general advice, if worth anything!, to all is to survive, whatever way we need to survive right now, just grit your teeth and believe you can do this. We can do this. It’s tough times, dark times for many, facing the loss of lives as you knew them, but lets just focus on surviving. My therapist has a favourite phrase “sometimes surviving is an achievement’, so do what we can. Walk outside every day where possible and try to focus our minds on things periodically throughout the day to help tackle some of the ruminating.
I know how hard it is. I’m struggling myself. It’s been almost 11 months since my breakup and I know I’m not over it. Most of my day, especially at the moment due to lack of distraction, is spent thinking about my ex. I stop that line of thought each time I notice it, but nevertheless it’s there. And to be honest, I’m not gonna berate myself for it, i’m accepting who I am for the moment, because things are hard and tough enough without me beating myself up all the time for not being in a different phase or with a different perspective. Family dynamic is definitely a struggle at the moment and mental health struggles are certainly coming to the fore for some close to me, so I’m telling them too….we just got to survive and do what’s needed of us to save as many lives as we can until the day when we look at this in the rear view mirror.
@kkasxo, keep well my friend – i know this can be such an unbelievably tough time with PTSD.
Stay safe all and remember…’This too shall pass”….the pandemic will pass, the restrictions will pass, the heartbreak will pass, the hangovers will pass….it will all pass. xMarch 27, 2020 at 7:08 am #345720
Okay darlin’….slow down. You’re in the withdrawal stage. It’s okay. This is all normal. What you are feeling is normal…..and many many many of us have felt similar at different stages in our lives. You WILL be okay, but it won’t be today, or tomorrow, or Sunday even. It will be some time, but whenever you think you can’t survive the pain, remember you will. You just have to endure it for now.
Your friend has some valid points, but every single person on this earth is a product of their conditioning, their life experiences. Millions of people are content and happy in relationships that have not gone to therapy and done years of work on themselves and they feel love. Whatever that love is for them. I did love my ex…in the way I understood love, in how I saw love, from my upbringing, from my experiences, based on my insecurities etc. That was love to me. Are there lots of different types of love? Yes, because as humans, we always have the capacity to learn and to grow. So don’t diminish what you felt for your ex as nothing, as not being real, it was real for you. Now that he has left, it may teach you things about love and about the kind of love you want to give and want to receive.
I can’t see it working out with my ex. Realistically. If you stand back and look at the evidence. Not because I don’t care anymore, but the evidence is what it is. It DIDN’T work with us….THREE times. It didn’t work for a reason…or reasons. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and if two people go and work on themselves separately and grow and develop and come back together to start a brand new relationship which is totally different and are committed to various things, then maybe some reunions do work under those circumstances, but those circumstances don’t seem to be present for you or I. The men did not choose a life with us. That’s their right. We may want to be with them, but they have a right to make their own decisions. I certainly don’t want my ex to return to me just ‘cos I miss him and want a life with him. I would only want him if he wanted me, otherwise what’s the point? I hate the decision he made, but I respect his right to choose what he wants.
But it has taken me 10 months to even get to this stage…..so please understand, you are in the early stages of heartbreak. It’s all a bubble of pain and loss and anxiety right now. That’s okay. You will be okay. When you feel you can, try and push through to being sober, because yes i know it numbs, but remember it wears off…..and then that’s a low which is deeper than the low you felt before you started drinking. I’m inquisitive and I like to understand things, especially things I can’t control, it lessens my anxiety. So a couple of things I did in those initial days was read articles online, read books, listen to Ted Talks, which opened up little chinks of insight into why some people feel heartbreak in particular ways.
My support structure helped me at the time too, friends, family and this forum. I understand at the moment, we are in an incredibly restrictive situation as we can’t socially meet anyone, so try to come up with a plan to contact people incrementally on facetime or whatsapp to get you through each day. Sammy, I promise you will be okay if you just hold faith that it will get better, but for now, you need to be as strong as you can. Just strong enough to survive. If you can find little things to distract you for even ten minutes at a time, that’s lessening the pain for those ten minutes, so do it.
Anger often works for some people to move on. It’s not for me. I would rather respect people for their decisions and try to understand them than just get angry and tell myself I deserve better (when I don’t actually believe that). But I will say, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. We are born deserving of being loved. Sometimes we lose that belief along the way, so let’s try and get it back eh? Deep breaths and telling yourself ‘this too shall pass’, because one day it will. The pain will just be less, you won’t notice it, it’ll creep up on you and you’ll realise you’re okay and feel that you will make it through.
I’ve missed you! I completely feel you….I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, I feel like I’m just dreaming and soon I will wake up and tell everyone about the crazy dream where the world has been turned upside down. I realise my four walls are not my friends. They have been closing in on my for days. I have now gotten an appointment for the Covid test next Monday, but honestly I feel silly even getting it now as I don’t feel ill anymore, but nonetheless I can’t take the chance around my Dad and brother. So everytime I am about to lose my mind in self isolation, I remember who I’m doing it for and it makes it worthwhile.
Adelaide, to be honest…you’re unreal. So mature and insightful, streets and streets ahead of me. As you will have noticed from my posts over all this time, I’m nowhere near as self assured as you. You can empathise with my situation, but you recognise patterns and behaviour far easier than I and you make excellent decisions to take care of yourself. Well done, I have to say I’m so impressed and your innate resourcefulness. Yes the interaction with my ex was strange, but it meant nothing as such. It meant more in my mind than it did in reality. I have not heard from him since and I don’t expect to. I know he has continued to work as his job is one that is done solo so he has no issues with social distancing. So while I have endless hours to ruminate and fantasise and over analyse, that dude is working away, not thinking about it at all, completely oblivious. You seem like a wonderful person to have in someone’s life, so you are indeed correct, if they don’t choose you, they seem to undervalue you and then you don’t want someone who undervalues you in your circle.
Family is……tricky. Believe me I know. Last night I fell asleep crying just because of the stresses this situation has put on my family and the dynamic and healthwise and priority wise and financially speaking. It’s all just….a lot. Anxiety and fear is high so everyone’s emotions are on high alert, so all you can do is look after you for now. You have taken care of your sister and I’m sure she will be extraordinarily careful in self isolation and in two weeks, everyone will be doing the best they can. So focus on that for now.
Genie, you’re so right, this thread has kept me from spirally off the deep end with anxiety so many times. And nowadays, it looks like the most effective way to communicate with people. I hope your anxiety is settling a little and you have developed routine which is bolstering your relationship with Jay even further. I feel like time seems so much like our enemy right now, just like when i was in the midst of heartbreak, when I wanted time to speed up, so I could get out the other side, so it could be months down the road when I’d be fine…..but my therapist always said, the only way out is through.
So well gotta just try and get through the next few weeks and hopefully before we know it, it’ll be the end of April and we’ll really have started to tackle this thing head on! Stay safe all. xMarch 26, 2020 at 2:44 pm #345604
What a time we are living through right now eh?! It’s like the world has been tilted off its axis. What has been familiar, what has been ‘in order’, what we believed we could control, is now all in pieces. Anxiety collectively is at an all time high. My empathetic nature has left me susceptible to the collective anxiety so I felt it prudent to make my world a little more micro to try and manage what I can and just control what is within my control, which is very little at the moment.
My sister gave me a spare thermometer last weekend (secured through social distancing etiquette), and on Monday I felt a little flushed and checked and had a temperature. Since then I have felt fine, but the thermometer still indicates I have a temperature, even though I don’t feel as though I do. To be honest, we’re not convinced the thermometer is accurate, but given the times we’re in, I can’t afford to take chances. Not with my Dad and brother who have compromised immune systems. So while the social distancing measures were strict enough, the self isolation in my bedroom measures are way worse! So be grateful for small blessings like still being able to use your kitchen! I’m awaiting a test, but honestly, I’m pretty sure it will be negative, however the consequences of me being wrong are too grave, so I’m doing what I can to protect those I love.
I’m actually coping okay now…not so much earlier in the week. My anxiety was wringing me out. I felt my new male friend was not there for me as much as I’d like and I guess I was hurt and disappointed. I suppose I wanted from him what my ex used to give me in times of crisis and anxiety…. a safe place, assurance etc. I have to try and recognise that my friend does not fill that role, he is just a friend, like my other friends, so I put too much weight on his shoulders to make me feel better and when he doesn’t do that, I get hurt and anxious. Still all the work I have to do on my self. Sometimes I wonder have I grown anything at all over the years I’ve been going to therapy and lessons I’m supposed to have learned from the relationship which was the reason I started this thread.
My ex met me last week. For ten minutes. It was the first time we had seen each other since the final breakup. He contacted me as he had some resources to deal with the c-virus crisis that it was impossible to get hold of myself and he knew I was extremely anxious about securing some stuff, as he knows about my brother and Dad. He met me to give me some supplies, which I was extremely grateful for. He transferred them to my car and we both stayed at a distance and only spoke for 10 mins specifically and only about the crisis. He asked me how my brother was doing and then we departed. I haven’t heard from him since. He’s not the booty call type. He has never contacted me any time we have broken up to try and hook up or anything like that. He was being a decent person and helping out and I wanted the help and I hate that I had to get those supplies through him.
It was cordial and polite and I’m sure whatever unease he has had for the past 10months since our breakup has been eased somewhat now that he thinks we are not mortal enemies and I’m all good with everything. I think that hurts because I feel like he feels like things are okay now between us and it’s in the past and we can all move on. But I haven’t moved on. It still hurts. I still miss him. And now it hurts more because I feel like I’ve passed him the key to the bridge which has helped him move on. Ugh, everything is just a lot at the moment.
Genie, I really can’t add much more than what Michelle has said. You seem to recognise what direction you want to take with Jay to make it work the best possible way it can and the fact that you are able to vent on her now before getting anxious and doing something you regret in terms of your relationship with Jay is great development. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you two!
I do hope you’re safe back home and adjusting to life after your travels and the endurance test of waiting for flights.
@kkasxo, this has got to be an incredibly anxious time for you with everything that’s going on and what you’re also trying to deal with. Let us know how you’re doing.
I know exactly how you feel right about now. Everything hurts. Existing hurts. I know. There is no magic cure. It’s gonna feel that way for a while. Questions will flood your mind, your brain will desperately seek answers, some sort of reasoning or logic, however that’s nigh on impossible to extract when in a state of severe anxiety and loss.
I think there are some attachment issues, as there were for me. But they can be figured out in time. The thing about loving someone with everything you have…we feel it’s an automatic quid pro quo that they must reciprocate it back…..it’s the least they can do, for all we have given. Life doesn’t work that way though I’m afraid. Yes you gave him your all, but that doesn’t mean it was exactly what he wanted or needed. Everyone in life has different needs and wants, it’s not that he wants someone better, he may be happy with someone who would give much less than you. But the point is, it’s not you for him. That’s okay. It’s so so painful, it hurts, you WANT to be it for him, but nothing in this world can make another person love us. We can’t MAKE another person do anything, just because WE want it sooooo bad. I’m not saying this to be hurtful, because i promise you, I honestly know exactly how you feel, as you can read above, I’m not exactly on a pedestal of self love and acceptance. But what you need to do right now is just survive. Just for now. Just survive. I would stop drinking….honestly it helps no-one. Literally no-one, it will only make you feel worse and you will avoid getting sober then cos dealing with a hangover on top of heartbreak is like a fate worse than death. So ditch the booze would be my advice and just try and survive each hour until a day is done. The try and make it to the weekend. and so on. I do promise you though that this pain WONT last. I absolutely promise you that. It’ll be with you for a bit, it’s the initial stages, but it eases off. So remember in your worst moments….this too shall pass.
Take care all.March 16, 2020 at 6:47 am #343568
I’m glad to hear you are all doing well and making it through each day with new insights and hope.
Genie – that sounds like a wonderful interaction with Jay and can’t argue one single thing he said, all sounded reasonable, all sounded genuine. Well done on dealing with it well and setting your intention to make it work. He sounds like a truly wonderful human and I’m so glad you have met someone like that. You keep asking yourself how do you deserve him, why did he chose you, but that’s just your inner critic- you ABSOLUTELY deserve him. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy, so good luck with it. Bit by bit and day by day and it will be good.
I’m not going to stay online too long, so forgive me if i don’t get to reply to all individual posts. There is a reason. Anxiety is at a pretty strong high, my anxiety and the collective anxiety. In my country (not the uk), the virus is spreading like wildfire and we don’t have the resources to help everyone who is forecast to need help. Measures are being taken but this is serious, lots of people are going to die. That ironically is not my anxiety speaking, that’s just a fact. Anyway, I am being as socially responsible as I can, people are taking it seriously here. But my worry is for my Dad and my brother – both of whom have very serious underlying conditions. If they get this virus, the worst is conceivable. As a result, I understand the nature of this pandemic, I know the measures we must all take, so I’m tuning out too much of the Covid-19 online rabbit-hole, because it was making me ten times worse – even my sister called me as she had had a panic attack.
Most of it I can’t control, we can’t control other people, we can’t control health services, we can’t control the government. But I can control washing my hands and going out and about so I’m doing my part, because frankly, my family is just not able for another funeral, another period of grief, not that anyone ever is. So, long story short, I’m trying to be responsible and not contribute to the spread of the virus so that others don’t contract it and need hospitalisation- or are unable to receive care because decisions will have to be made about who has a better chance of living or dying. Since I’ve started to tune out the constant commentary, my anxiety levels have regulated somewhat. I’m reading, practising using my coping tools etc and I feel I’m doing the best I can and ma encouraging others around me to adopt some similar techniques to reduce their anxiety.
As I only currently work two days a week, I’m off at the moment as part of an 8-day break – just the way the rota worked out this fortnight, which suits me fine! I do feel however that within the next week, the government may order a close of non-essential department stores etc, so I may not be going back for a while, we’ll see. As an empath or empathetic person, I feel the collective anxiety so strongly and it’s making me so sad and hurt to imagine people so distressed, especially older people, so for my own good, I’ve had to tune out a little.
I imagine where I might go this time next year, what trips and travel I may have to look forward to! As for the job in the other city, last week the manager said she would try and organise an interview for this week, but obviously with fast changing circumstances, that may have changed. Either way, I’m not comfortable travelling to it, so I’ll be postponing or declining. I started my other job last week and actually really like it so perhaps it’s for the best!
Oh wait….I nearly forgot….I got a text from my ex yesterday. It was just a jokey banter type text but also mentioning to take care of myself and family at the moment. It went completely over my head, in the sense that if I received communication from him in the past, it would be SUCH a big deal and involve a lot of over analysis but right now, with so much else on my mind, I don’t think it really registered. I warned him to ensure his parents are taking necessary precautions and as he has access to some medical supplies, he told me not to be stuck for anything. I thanked him and left it at that. It’s a weird old time. I know every country has a different approach and that’s the nature of different cultures, different elected representatives, but I’m taking this seriously because for me and mine, there is legitimate risk.
So be safe, wash your hands thoroughly regularly and avoid social situations if they’re not necessary and I hope in 6-10 months time we are all still typing away on here about our love lives, self awareness journeys and travel. Take care all, I’ll check in when I can and if I have anything else going on my life (not much at the mo!).
@kkasxo, I’m conscious of your family planning to move soon, will that still go ahead? Are you coping okay with anxiety and PTSD?March 10, 2020 at 5:30 am #342594
Thanks for the advice Genie, letting go seems to be my biggest impediment and has been for some time. On a positive note, I’m going to see my therapist this afternoon, so hopefully it will help clarify things a little for more, at the very least in terms of career direction. The one thing I realise from this thread is that we are all self aware to an extent and are intent on improving ourselves and our happiness so that’s a lot more than most I guess so well done us! In some ways!
Adelaide, you’re a very perceptive person it seems and wish I had half the amount of ‘cop on’ (common sense) you have! The amount of insight you post on this thread regularly is incredible, so astute. You recognise a lot and I suppose you’re right…it’s about making good decisions based on that insight. Look, everyone loves an ego boost or a dopamine hit, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t so don’t beat yourself up about indulging in that, but you know it’s shortlived and you want long term sustainable happiness and intimacy. To be honest, I’m fairly confident that if you continue along the train of thought you currently have, your life and connections are going to improve exponentially. You have a lot of the answers already to questions that may arise. Know your worth…I can see it, Genie, Michelle…..everyone on here sees you’re someone worth knowing…so make sure the people you let in to your life understand that too.
My new friend makes me feel like the ground I walk on is golden. Like, some days I actually feel bad that he has such a high opinion of me. I feel undeserving and a little bit sneaky that he is totally misguided about me. And then I try to flip it, I try to imagine that I AM the person he thinks I am. It’s just I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I’m not good enough, I came to believe that as truth. But I’m being totally myself with my friend, like totally….warts and all…sillyness and neediness and anxiety and crankiness at times and yet, he still thinks I’m one of the world’s best humans! I mean…..it’s kind of incredible. But I’m trying to accept it more!
I’m hoping therapy will help give me direction in terms of work. I honestly don’t feel I could let down the makeup company which has just taken me on and invested a lot in me already. Plus I feel if I did leave it now, that would shut down any prospects in that line of work for the future and basically end my experiment of trying a new career in this field before I even really gave it a good go. The other job would be a step up from my previous role and would look good on paper…..and to society I guess….and it would be an opportunity to meet new people….however I’m not a fan of the city where it’s based and it would be incredibly expensive to live there and the job itself would be very stressful. But ego plays a part and I’m not sure I want to dismiss the prospect entirely.
Anyway, you two seem to be doing so well in terms of your determination. Genuinely, Genie you are adamant of setting the intent for your future which is so admirable. Adelaide, each time you wonder about something, as “if I truly loved myself, what would I do?” and respond accordingly. Sometimes I find that helps.
Keep well all xMarch 9, 2020 at 12:43 pm #342486
Thanks for that. I would say that yes….it’s completely done for my ex and while it hurts….again…..I think I’m probably better off knowing in the long run, because like I said, nature abhors a vacuum and I was making up every sort of scenario in my head when there was no contact, whereas the cordial communication this past week or two has normalised the situation….and yes hurt me for hoping when there clearly is no hope, but maybe I needed to hurt in this way. I didn’t seem to be doing a great job of moving on by myself despite my various attempts.
I appreciate you saying you think I’m in a better place. I wish I felt it. In some ways I think I’m as far back as a month after the breakup with no new insight in quite some time and literally no idea what direction to head in my life now. Ironically, the makeup job would challenge me far more as it’s completely out of my comfort zone and I’m starting from scratch so would have to persevere and develop and grow to get to where I want to be, which is be my own boss, I guess. The other job – would look better on paper I guess and would feed my ego if I got it because it would look to be a step up from where I previously worked, but it’s an area I’m confident in and where I feel that bit safer. Maybe I’ll feel better about it all if I sleep (or try to sleep) on it.
I’m glad you got a positive response from Jay about meeting up when he’s back. There really is nothing to beat a good old fashioned conversation and heart to heart at times to make things clearer and reduce anxiety. Let us know how it goes and remember, you’re an incredible person to who has a lot of value. You’re not damaged, you have been through some tough experiences, so you’re just someone who has been through some tough experiences, but come out the other side. So keep the faith and I hope all will be well.March 9, 2020 at 9:59 am #342468
I’ve been in training this past while for my new job so my posts have been scarce. Genie, if I’m to be objective and look at it from an outside point of view, I feel like you are still struggling with some things which creates a lot of anxiety for you. I don’t know if you have a therapist, or if not, if that’s feasible for you, but it might help? Essentially a relationship or the threat of losing one, shouldn’t keep us on the precipice of anxiety at all times. Of course, no-one wants to lose something that they value or care about, but I think we need to reassure ourselves that we’re resilient and will survive, worst case scenario. Best case of course is that it works out and hopefully it will, but anxiety reduces when we have the self trust and confidence to know that we will be okay and learn and grow even if we don’t have something in our lives anymore. Have faith, if Jay is the one you think is the best match for you right now and he feels the same, it will work out. I know what anxiety is like though, it’s crippling at times. Hang in there, use whatever tools you have for coping and take it day by day. And btw- don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t be angry, it’s pointless…you’re a good person. You didn’t do anything maliciously – you’re a good person – focus on that!
Adelaide, you impress me every time you post. Honestly, Kkasxo and I have been on this forum from a while back and the logic and knowledge you contribute such a short time after your heartbreak is truly remarkable. There is so much depth to you and I honestly believe you have way more self confidence and worth than you’re acknowledging. Certainly way more than me over a year down the road…..keep going. Your insight is well placed and your commitment to improving your self worth and your life is admirable. I will take a leaf from your book.
@kkasxo, how’s it going? I can imagine you’re just trying to get through each day and week, perhaps on autopilot at the moment? That’s okay too ya know! Whatever method you need to survive, I’m trying to do the same.
As for me, my head is all over the place. My new friend keeps saying to me that he feels I’m so lost right now. I’m all over the place workwise. So you know I took a part-time role in makeup in a department store. A million other women would kill for the opportunity I have been given with this elite brand so I don’t want to mess it up. However I’ve now been called for interview for a full-time job in my previous line of work that would be a real step up from the role I left before travel. It would mean moving city though and also would mean I would have to let down the makeup brand I’ve just started working with, who have invested a lot in me so far. Argh, I hate decision making, I never know what’s the right thing to do. I definitely think it’s the age factor. I feel like decisions wouldn’t hold so much weight were I not at a specific time in my life. So here I am thinking, okay you’ve worked for 15 years with a company and left. The next step would be a step up to an even bigger and more recognisable company, as I feel I would excel and at this point in my life, shouldn’t I be moving up rather than back down to the bottom rung of the ladder. Also a big company like that could lead to new connections and moving city could mean I meet many new people and who knows, maybe I’ll meet the love of my life and have a family etc etc….all pipe dreams of course, but the thought has crossed my mind. If I stay with the part-time makeup job, I might be missing other opportunities and it seems like it’s a job that is for young women out of school or college who have the luxury of doing it for a couple of years to get experience and perfect their skills before moving on to another job, or go travelling etc…whereas I’m 38 this year, if I stay in a low-earning job in a city I’ve always worked in, am I limiting myself. Will I still be in the same position in a year’s time? Sorry for the stream of consciousness thinking/writing, I just feel overwhelmed right now and don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I just don’t have the money to attend my therapist at the moment.
I also was in text communication with my ex over the past week – it was his birthday – so I made contact. It’s been weird. It’s very friendly and light hearted which is nearly worse and actually hurts. Because while there was no communication, a million possibilities were in my mind. Everything felt so BIG…..so profound. Like if we met by accident anywhere, the ground would shake and noise would be drowned out and it would be like two worlds colliding, because surely for the past 10 months he MUST be feeling as profoundly as me about everything that happened. The silence meant there was something still between us…even if that something was a concentrated effort not to contact each other. Whereas now, he’s behaving like we’re old friends/acquaintances….it’s a moving on of sorts….like the drama is done, the pain is over, we no longer are anything to each other….and MAN IT HURTS. I honestly didn’t expect out casual communication to hurt this much. When you’re actually sad that you’re not having painful, upsetting interactions anymore, who would have guessed that polite banter hurts more? Does this mean I am realising it’s completely over for him? It feels yuck.
I don’t know what my next move should be. I read a lot and watch a lot of talks etc and it’s all about showing up for yourself and living your most authentic life and truly listening to yourself. But i’ve been trying and still haven’t a clue! I feel like I am no closer to understanding myself and what I truly want.March 2, 2020 at 8:51 am #340924
Tell me about Vietnam….I ruled it out of my travel plan last year because of time and money constraints but is it all that you expected? Is it crazy and busy and vast and unique??? Haha, I’m like a kid at Christmas these days when I think/talk about travel!
I only got to see KL while in Malaysia but I really liked the Malaysian people and I felt they really took me under their wing as a solo female traveller. Are you worried at all about corona virus? TBH a case has been confirmed about 2hours from where I am and i’m more than anxious. A member of my family has a compromised immune system and last week my Dad was diagnosed with chronic blood disease so I’m kind of living in fear at the moment because it’s becoming so prevalent so fast, but no real method of containment or antidote.
How long more will you travel for? The weather where I am remains terrible, storm after storm and my wanderlust is reaching peak levels again! Im starting training for my new makeup job tomorrow in the city for four days, so I’m actually a little excited about starting something new, albeit anxious too that A) I might not be great at it or B)I might hate it!
My darling, I’ve missed you and think of you often as similarly I figured you were withdrawing somewhat due to a tough time and probably work stress and demands. I feel that therapy for a few weeks (if it’s feasible) to help with coping strategies etc ahead of your family’s departure might be useful. Also, it’s a comfort that you will go to live with your sister, which will mean you get to keep your link to family which is a support you need and I’m sure she very much appreciates having you too.
I know that feeling….when you can’t actually be bothered drawing the energy to think about things, let alone, work on self development, growth and change! My life is in a funny phase right now. My new guy friend has mentioned to me multiple times that he feels I’m really in a very transient phase now and my life seems very complicated. He might be right. Some days I trod along, not too bad, not thinking too much about stuff. Other days I’m a truck load of slow moving thick sludge that it feels like a year to lift one leg out of daily.
PTSD must be incredibly difficult to live with. But I think your life is more than that. It just is. You’re a rather unique person. I don’t come across many people such as yourself, you have something about you. Something more, I guess. You do what you need to survive right now, but at some point, consider the fact…..that you deserve more out of this life. More in a job, more in a relationship, more for your own wellbeing. Please don’t hesitate to reach out when you feel low, I’ve often found that one or two sentences from the wonderful women and men on this thread at key times has really given me perspective and helped get me out of whatever spiral I seem to have gotten myself in to.
Would you consider looking for more fulfilling work? At least you have a job now so you don’t have the added panic of being unemployed this time? xxMarch 2, 2020 at 8:36 am #340922
I hate when people say ‘Don’t panic’ in the midst of me panicking, like I hadn’t thought of that….and oh jeeee….of course….why don’t I just not panic!?!! But I don’t believe there is cause to panic in this instance. Let’s look at this, you have strong feelings for Jay, evidently he has strong feelings for you or wouldn’t have stayed this long and been so supportive etc. Something changed in the dynamic and it just gave him more information about his circumstances with you. If he did not want to continue a relationship (of any kind) with you, he wouldn’t. He would move on. He has not. He is taking things slow and seeing how it develops. He seems to recognise that you need to process some stuff of your own still and is putting that as a priority also. If he needs a little more space, right now, I suppose you might need to respect that. Wouldn’t you want someone to respect you enough to give you a little space if you needed it?
As you’re aware I got back with my ex a total of 3 times. The final time last year was weird for the first few weeks. He was SERIOUSLY cautious around me and there was no hand holding or affection or anything and I did question at the time whether he even liked me or was attracted to me anymore. We kept hanging out as….I dunno…friends I guess….even though I don’t know if I would even have called it that, it was just a weird phase…..but he never declined to meet me etc, so I didn’t put pressure on it and we found our way back to each other that time and actually, the spark was ten fold when we did. But he was just cautious and gunshy I guess, but evidently he still did have strong feelings for me at that time and was wary of going down the same road (heartbreak) again and feared his hurt and hurting me. I know it didn’t work out, but my point is….anxiety could be really playing a little bit of a role here, making you feel strong attachment and fear of abandonment. But if you can breathe and try to remain as calm and patient as you can, it could all be okay. By all accounts, Jay sounds like a great human being and cares about you, so perhaps try to have faith in that!
I hope it helps, but as you know, I’m not exactly the Yoda of all things relationship! I do know that my need to be with my ex was definitely too much of a burden for him to bear and did not help me in the long run. However, the times I was more calm and patient, it definitely worked out better. Good luck with it my dear. xFebruary 21, 2020 at 9:06 am #339326
I’m sorry to hear your anxiety is in full flight, there is nothing worse than feeling like you physically might throw up with upset and anxiety. It really gets a grip on us.
Reading your last post seems to read like your self criticism is at an all time high. I’m so glad your new romantic interest has been patient this far, it shows that he has a lot of respect for you and really appreciates you and wants to make it work. However, it might be a case of you needing to do more work by yourself first. As Michelle would often mention on here, when you find the next relationship that is healthy for you, and you have really done the work on yourself, it won’t cause anxiety or upset or uncertainty. We will know we are fine with or without that person and that means that we’re whole by ourselves. They add to our happiness is all.
I completely empathise with how you feel right now. Perhaps some space and time might be a good idea now…..I know I know…..the anxiety will be tough in the meantime. But maybe he just needs space. He has been there for you up to now but no-one knows how much they are willing to give until they’re tested and maybe he could help and support to a point, and there is nothing wrong with that either. We are all unique and have different capacity for growth or support or patience.
I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Really, please don’t beat yourself up. I promise it serves ABSOLUTELY no purpose, it will succeed in only making you feel worse. You don’t want to feel worse. You want to start feeling better. So deep breaths. Anxiety will want you to act on a knee jerk fashion, but step back, deep breaths, calm your heart and mind as much as you can, and you might get some clarity.
Appreciate your guy’s feelings too, he has struggled and he needs to figure out his stuff. You can’t figure out his stuff aswell as your stuff. We each have to work on ourselves. Obviously he will need to communicate with you and get your input if it surrounds your current relationship, but anxiety may make you try to cling and I understand completely that you don’t want to lose anything, but take a breath. If it’s as strong as you have believed it to be, you will be able to have a calm conversation again soon with him.
Im trying not to think of it lately as my ex still having a hold on me, or my ex stopping me from moving on. I’m not trying to make it specific to a person, I’ve been trying to say it was my own stuff coming up, as a result of that relationship, my own stuff I have to deal with regarding attachment, that became apparent in and after that relationship, that is now stalling me somewhat. So maybe continue on trying to work on that and hopefully bit by bit, growth will come and you will feel better. XFebruary 20, 2020 at 4:14 am #339098
Thanks for the detail of your own experience. I am definitely glad to hear you were able to move on….eventually. I’m also glad to hear that you have started seeing someone else who is lovely and I hope it does indeed work out.
It’s been 9 months since my final breakup, so maybe it will take some more time. I’m not actively delaying the moving on process, I’m doing my personal best to not have the feelings I have, but it’s going slower than I anticipated. For whatever reason. We all exist in this world with our own unique conditioning, values, thoughts, feelings etc.
I’ve gotten some great advice on this thread from others who had not dissimilar situations to me and they have moved on, which is wonderful. Maybe one day I’ll be one of those people. Right now, I’m not. I’m about to start a new part time job, I’m going to therapy regularly, I’m exploring further travel, I go out regularly with friends, I’m not being a hermit wallowing away in a corner. But it’s just taking its damn sweet time for my heart to catch up and tell me to move on.
I regularly check in with every thought of my ex by countering it with a negative memory to try and offset the rose-tinted glasses. I’m trying to imagine having a different life to the one I know have and I try to picture that and get specific about what that would look at. And yet……here I am.
Anyway, thanks for your input and sending good thoughts and wishes to you for the future! x