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Shelbyville

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  • #313009

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    Hang in there. I know why it feels like that right now for you. In fact, if you go back on some of my posts I think you may remember me calling my own life a bit of a ‘sh*t show’!!!! I really felt that things were or are not going my way. But as the saying goes, the only constant in life is change.

    Jobs come and go – I was terrified leaving my job, it’s all I’ve known for 15 years! My self worth wasn’t strong enough to have me believe I’d find another job and yet now I’m hindsight I see that that job held me back in so many ways, it stopped other opportunities arising for me, which has happened since I left.

    When I get back from travel I’ll have to join the job hunt I know but something will turn up. It always does. You have a few weeks now to focus on another job…..and didn’t you say if something came into your life to busy you, you might move forward?! Well looking for a source of income is a good way to keep you busy! Ask and you shall receive lol!

    You’re not the black sheep, I think that’s something you’re harsh critical self is saying. Nobody has it all together, no…not even that person you think has! You’re finding your way. Figuring out maybe for the first time what kind of a life you want to live. Sometimes I curse this self awarenessI know have & often beg to go back to blissful ignorance, but was I just coasting? Not really living a fulfilled life? Probably.

    Growth is painful, no two ways about it. Status quo is more comfortable & we’re programmed as humans to fear change. That doesn’t mean it’s all bad. You may get a better job, you may be happier, you may meet someone through your new workplace that shows you that a different life is possible, who knows!

    The important thing is not to panic! Don’t think about the overall too much at the moment if it’s overwhelming you. Sometimes our minds can. E more of a hindrance than a help. Take achievable small steps. Is your CV up to date? If not, do that tomorrow. Then get on some jobs websites or on to an agency. That will keep you busy and just breathe and take it one day at a time. You don’t need all the answers to everything in one go, tackle things that are achievable to start and go from there.

    The airport won’t start turning away planes so the escape route to Sydney is always there anytime you need it!!!! I’ll have some grub on the barbie & a cold one waiting!!! x

    #312949

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Sorry, the whirlwind is continuing and I was getting a little overwhelmed by how much organisation for my travel there is. To be honest, what has been taking up the most of my time is meeting people who are close to me before I head off! They all want to meet up, you would swear I’m going for 4 years rather than 4 weeks!

    Kkasxo,

    I know exactly what you’re feeling. I know it all too well. It’s a sh*tty place to be and I used to be so hard on myself for not being better, for not making decisions, for not moving forward. But the reality is, you can’t…until you are ready. I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No1, I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No. 2, it took a third time for me to to understand i couldn’t go back again. Don’t get me wrong…..I still want to…in a utopian world….but it seems my self-respect only kicked in after the third breakup and that’s ok…..i don’t regret any of it. It was meant to happen the way it was meant to happen.

    Im moving forward, in theory. Thank you so much for your kind kind words about how much progress i’ve made. I know I feel better than I did last Oct, but I’d be lying if I said I was over the heartbreak or my ex. I think about him a million times a day, i often still daydream that he’ll have an epiphany or that one day we’ll find our way back to each other, but I think I’m self aware enough to know that that might not happen either and therefore I need to have an alternative plan.

    So i packed in the job……which was scary but now that I’ve left….I honestly wonder why I didn’t do it sooner, I fly to Sydney next Tuesday…..I KNOW….MAD!!!! I will have to keep you posted on whether that was the right decision or whether I’m even more lonely over there….thank goodness Tiny Buddha is geographically transportable! Kkasxo, I don’t know…..I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or just distracting myself. I don’t know if i have dealt with the grief or loss or lack of self worth properly yet…I just don’t know. But what I did and do know is that maintaining the life I had with absolutely no change was going to guarantee that I would never feel better. So, I’m trying to feel better. Who knows if it will work!

    If you’re not ready to make decisions one way or another right now, that’s fine, i don’t want to hear you beating yourself up anymore for not being able to make decisions….you will….when you’re ready. You’re amazing, you are getting there, at whatever pace you are able for. One day you might get a notion and say ‘I will not let fear stand in my way….a direction in any direction is better than staying in the same place’ and when that day comes, you’ll move. It will just be there, you’ll grow sick of the indecision I think. That’s what happened me. I remember before the last reconciliation constantly posting on here about not knowing whether to reach out to my ex or not, it was driving me nuts. I couldn’t stick the indecision any more, so I made a decision and went for it. It was the right decision for me at the time and I don’t regret it, at least it moved me, I learned.

    Hang in there for yourself. You can and will survive whatever life throws at you, you already have! Also, I’m here at the end of the keyboard for as long as you’ll listen to my ramblings so you’re stuck with me I’m afraid!

     

    Michelle,

    How on earth do you not get overwhelmed with travel prep?!!!! I’m drowning in a sea of Air Bnb and airline websites!!!!  I tip my hat to you! I hope you keep us updated on your travels while away and I’ll definitely be on here tracking my literal and metaphorical journey haha!

    Chat again soon x

    #312297

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi guys!

    Help! Who knew changing one thing makes everything else change?!!! I’m finding it super overwhelming lately with the upheaval in my life. Not bad necessarily, just overwhelming!

    I thought I’d have a few chill weeks before my trip to organise, but it’s been hectic. People wanting to meet and catch up, family commitments, new social invitations! I’ve really been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I also went away for a couple of days with my Dad as he needed a break and was unlikely to go alone. So needless to say, it’s been non-stop! I also worked a day for a friend for his company as he was stuck!

    The change train is in motion and it just seems to be gathering momentum. It’s a bit scary, I suppose I’m wondering, distraction aside, if it will ultimately make me happy. I find I still miss my ex so much and think about him daily. I’ve been hanging out with that guy from a few posts back. As friends. It’s been nice to get to know new people. But that’s all I’m able for.

    Im apprehensive about my travel as this weekend I seem to have an upset tummy again. I don’t know if I’ve caught a bug or my diet while on holidays is causing the friction but it’s worrying me, which of course becomes a vicious cycle!

    Kkasxo,

    You know what you want. I’d say you know what he wants. Are your values and goals aligned? That’s what it comes down to? I’m not going to lie, more than one person commented in the past about me ‘accidentally’ to fall pregnant. They remarked that sometimes men need a push. I too felt that my ex is a good man and while petrified, would make a good dad. But I could and would never do that. It felt wrong to me, to place someone in a circumstance they weren’t ready for and didn’t ask for. I loved my ex enough to understand he never should be put in a situation where he was forced to be there. I always wanted him to come freely to the table, because I think that’s what makes a loving and lasting relationship. Both people decide to come to the table freely, to want the same things, to work together and support each other through thick and thin to achieve shared goals. I didn’t have that with my ex. He wasn’t ready. Maybe never will be. And that’s so so so sad and heartbreaking because what I saw in him was……beautiful. But he couldn’t see that just yet, and maybe never will so what i imagined could not be.

    You have time, yes. But don’t waste too much of it, or you could end up like me! The wrong side of 35! Listen to whatever the voice within, deep down is telling you. Show up for yourself and look after you xx

    #311071

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    My last day was emotional and overwhelming I must admit. But it was heartwarming to see the genuine sentiment people expressed to me.

    The cards and gifts and well wishes and phone calls honestly filled my heart. It became public knowledge pretty quickly that I was finishing up in my workplace and I sent a couple of goodbye and thanks emails to contacts, which resulted in 3 calls in the space of a few hours wondering would I be interested in jobs! So while I felt my own bosses reaction to my departure was underwhelming to put it mildly, those calls boosted my professional confidence a little again!

    After a party on Friday night, Saturday was horrific. I’m not a big drinker if I’m honest, but I enjoy my glass of wine. Let’s just say, prosecco is NOT the same as wine and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to it! I thought I would end up in hospital or a morgue on Sat! Also I was staying in a hotel in the city for the night so I went into complete spiral when I got sick Sat morn. I completely reverted back to that anxious state where I need someone around me at all times. I’ve always had an odd phobia of being sick, but guess what thoughts cropped up….you guessed it….my ex.

    I cant remotely ever contact that man again, we are completely done, not even if I broke my leg outside his house and couldn’t walk would it be appropriate for me to contact him and YET all I wanted for much of that morning was him. He always provided me with such comfort when I was scared and vulnerable. He literally would sit holding my hand, talking to me, reassuring me and taking practical steps and I felt whenever I was with him when upset or ill, that everything would be okay and that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

    So these thoughts let to thoughts of criticism of myself for needing people, for not being enough of an adult to look after myself in such circumstances, like normal people. Then I got scared about travel….what if I get sick abroad, so far away from support…..as you can imagine, Saturday was not fun lying on a bathroom floor wanting to die and aching with pain at the loss of my ex and anxious as hell about being alone and my future. I managed to make it home (dunno how!) and I didn’t leave my bed until Sunday.

    On Sunday I was better and even did a charity walk for a local charity which helped my mum. Also my mood was fine on Sunday, but my need for my ex spooked me and I just felt sad that I’m finding it so difficult to let him go. It seems so silly given that he has let me go a long time ago, so I’m holding on to something that’s not even there, but if it were simple, then there would never be anything to see therapists about!

    In relation to your new place….what did you mean by two month notice? Is that like a trial period? What do you think the immediate future holds for you? The one thing I do know is that you won’t do something before you’re ready. People felt I should have ended it with my ex lots of time when I wasn’t getting what I needed. I knew I should have left my job years ago but I wasn’t ready. I became ready a month ago, I don’t know why, I just did it. I’m trying to change my outcome I guess. I’m trying to make decisions, I don’t know if it’ll work, but staying as I was didn’t seem to be making me happy so……

    #310507

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    Yes, this week has been my final week and it has been a blur. Remember that issue I was fighting on behalf of colleagues (and myself at the time), well the conciliation talks were yesterday – 5 hours- it was intense and not positive for our side. My head was fried. But I was determined to keep the momentum going for as long as I could even up to my last day!

    I finish tomorrow and I don’t think it’s sunk in yet. There are flashes of emotion- all linked to my past- my mum- she was around when I got this job many many years ago and was so very proud of me and interested and involved. When I let it go tomorrow in a weird way I feel like I’m letting go of another link to her, another thread to the life I had where she existed.

    Sorry I know that’s fairly….heavy or whatever or weird, but it’s just what’s going on for me, when another person would just treat it like a contract ending, move on to the next!

    I graduated and got my cert yesterday too (after the gruelling work process) so I’m happy now to have that in my back pocket. I’m proud.

    Kkasxo,

    I know what you mean about your aunties. I used to get that a lot before my ex. But the difference with your aunts is that they were single? They at least had the status of availability. You do not have that, so it would seem plausible to think, how is it possible to avoid what my aunts were often questioned about? Are you guaranteeing you don’t end up where you want to be by staying with Mr.A. This is in no way shape or form a judgement, I’m just trying to take away the complexity in an effort to make it simpler. Mr.A is unlikely to give you what you need in a relationship to end up with the happy outcome of your deepest desire, given what you’ve said about him thus far, so maybe your heart deep down knows this. I never want to say things out loud that will cause me sadness. Did I deep down know I wasn’t getting what I fundamentally needed from my ex? Yes. But if it were that simple, my heart wouldn’t have broken anyway. So you have a soul sista here. You’re unhappy. I was/am (?) unhappy. But I’m tired of being sad and the only way I could figure of attempting to change that (though not 100% convinced!) was to change my circumstances. Change something. It might not work but I can guarantee that staying exactly as I was was not going to change my unhappiness one single bit.

    I was not ready for a long time. I guess I was ready for this step now. Everyone finds the right time I think when they’re ready to find the right time.

    Hang in there – emotions are tough. They are wiping me lately, I bet for you too. I’m here always. X

    Michelle,

    lovely to hear from you as always. I’m hopping on a plane..1.25?!!!! Goodness sake that is how I want to live! Looking forward to hearing more!

    #310005

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Morning Kkasxo,

    Last night was tough, twisting and turning – I really can’t stomach being ‘off’ with anyone. It is affecting my concentration and eating today also. I feel the last time we had a big fight, I reached out to mend it and be the bigger person because I didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling, but I fear if I do that again, it’s merely because I don’t like this feeling and maybe I should just sit with it. Maybe I’m meant to. Because at the end of the day, I wasn’t solely to blame and me mending it with her will just be me having to take 100% responsibility and her taking the high road think I’m an absolute cow and she was totally right and vindicated and I think in the long run that causes more resentment.

    Some very harsh words were said and I definitely regret them and am genuinely sorry for my behaviour but she was quite nasty too and I’m not willing to let that go to keep the peace, but this upset if unbearable too – so….rock….hard place….

    My other sister is trying to be the buffer at the moment and says we were both to blame, probably my reactions more so because overreacted. She says it will eventually blow over but at the moment, I feel so upset, angry, hurt, regretful and basically ick.

    I explained to my sister (the nice one!) last night that I’m so unhappy a lot of the time and she suggested increasing my medication again and that honestly broke my heart. The medication was for anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t need medication because Im sad, I think I know why Im sad. I’m not living the life I wanted/want, but at least I’m trying to work on it.

    But look what my unhappiness is doing to me and my relationships with family and friends…I can well imagine it’s affecting your life too Kkasxo in all aspects. I think the only way to change is to explore what WOULD make us happy, we have to stop staying exactly where we are I think.

    I just want to close my eyes and have this situation over. Im ready to be happy now, I’ve been through enough, I’m done with life being such a sh*t show! xx

     

     

    #309923

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Im struggling tonight. My anxiety is pretty bad, which is usually the case when I’m on bad terms with someone. I had a whopper of a row with my older sister when terrible things were said and we’re not speaking. Well…..she’s not speaking to me.

    I just feel so unhappy and sad and upset. I don’t know if I’m doing things right or wrong most of the time. For all of my years in therapy, have I learned anything or improved? I don’t think so.

    I knew I wasn’t feeling great this weekend anyway for some reason regarding my ex. Just hurting more than usual and missing him so I’m sure that played some part in me exploding today.

    But im so upset because my family is all I have, they’re the most important thing to me and if I’m not happy in that aspect of my life, everything else is a shambles. I fear I could even depart for Oz still not having a good relationship with my sister and that’ll eat away at me.

    Has a breakup really had such a profound, negatively impacting effect on my life as a whole?

    #309581

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I think fundamentally humans need connection. It’s part of our evolution, so I don’t think any one man is an island. Having said that, I do think it is possible to be content in one’s own company too, while reaching out for connection from time to time. I will never ever be someone who can be in a camp on my own for 3 years and never need anyone. I am who I am, I love connection and I think that’s a good thing. The problem at the moment is that I NEED the connection so bad and find without it, my functioning is not as easy. So that’s what we have to work on I guess, to be happy to make connections and as such create a level of dependency, which I believe it natural, but not that they are the only key to our survival.

    I dreamt about my ex last night. Maybe because I went for a walk with a friend and we mentioned him or things that happened in the past. The dream started with me being happy go lucky and friendly towards him (although we were not together) but then as the dream went on he kept questioning and finding problems and reasons to not be with me, even though in the dream it didn’t appear that I was even trying to reconcile but by the end of the dream….I felt terrible again and was like…’I get it, there are a million reasons not to be with me…you don’t need to keep harping on about it!!!’, so I woke up a little out of sorts. But I only have one more week of work left after this week, so when I get to work these days, I always feel a little lighter!

    I reached out to a couple of people who have flaked on communication lately and was a little more honest by directly asking them is something was wrong, rather than my roundabout way of making inquiries. My best friend explained she had been in hospital with her child and her other child had also been sick, so it made sense and I understood and I felt better knowing that it wasn’t me. Give what you want to get back. It doesn’t have to be everything, just enough and if you get that back, great. If not, then you’ll be more discerning going forward.

    I actually can’t believe its nearly Oct!!!! How naive was I last October, constantly asking the forum…WHEN would I feel better? I didn’t know a year later I’d still be feeling pretty sad and brokenhearted, but I guess we must acknowledge that we’re not in exactly the same place. We may be in no better place, but i think it’s still a different place!

    Keep up the fit bit, my friend uses it and feels amazing!

     

    #309563

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Ive been trying to look at my friendships. Really look at them. I can’t believe that they were fake or superficial, yet I do feel a little abandoned or respected less than I’d like, lately.

    But to my friends, these friendships are very real. I know that. They’re good people. It’s just I facilitated the friendships 80% perhaps and like my family, they got used to it. When I pulled back to 50% they didn’t rush to make up the 30%. They have busy lives, which is fair enough. But I guess, I have to accept that the more I put myself first, maybe the more alone I might feel. Perhaps I was trying to fill something, but have to accept more loneliness once and for all.

    Having said that, I can really identify some truly deep good friends too, so it’s spurred me to make more of an effort with them.

    The guy who kinda asked me out but didn’t ask me out but wants to be friends, is still in the background. It’s just a bit of a distraction for me I guess, but I hate that I feel he’s controlling the interactions. I do not want to play into his hands! But I guess distraction is just that.

    How are you feeling? Still exercising? Are things any better with Mr.A?

    #309433

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    I completely understand your anger and frustration. IT IS frustrating, but unlikely something you can change. My brother said to me the other day…’What are we going to do for four sundays for someone to make us dinner’ and ‘who will look after Dad when you are gone’….now I can explain until I#m blue in the face that it’s not solely my responsibility and he has equal responsibility, but he will NEVER get it. It ends up in a screaming match. He sees it as my/woman’s job and that’s just what he believes. Equally you can try and compare Mr.A and his sister to him, but the fact is, the emphasis is NOT on men in his culture, only on the daughters, so he’s unlikely to see how it should affect him when no-one from his background sees it that way and he has never seen it that way before. So it is what it is I guess.

    The resentment will continue to grow though I think, it’s honestly something that does not go away unless some serious hard and progressive work is done by both parties. That’s not to say that’s not a possibility, it is. But I think it’s the only way to move forward happy in the relationship at least.

    I’m have a meh week. My friend near London has really been flaking on responses to communication and I’m hurt by it. She has a busy life with kids, I completely understand that, but that has never stopped her communicating in the past, even briefly. I have always felt it’s disrespectful to anyone you care about to not respond, even at the very least to indicate you are swamped and will be in touch soon. It makes me question a lot and she’s not the only friend who has failed to respond to a text with a question recently.

    Growth is supposed to be for the better so why does it feel like I’m ending up sad and hurt with a lot less friends?

     

    S x

    #309335

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    How is everyone today?

     

    I must say I’m pretty exhausted, anxiety in the form of a twisty tummy has been keeping me awake at night lately.

    I was quite happy about my decision to leave work and my travel plans, but people are asking questions about my plans for after and while I’m shrugging and saying I’ll figure it out, deep down it must be seeping in, because the anxiety is rising lately.

    It’s annoying, I hate that I can’t control when or if the anxiety comes and it just bores into or out of me.

    How are you doing?

    #309259

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there!

    Sorry for the delay. Time ran away from me again. Things are difficult. Stuff is hard. Self awareness is hell. That’s what I’m feeling lately, but I live in the hope that it’s worth it. That happiness is a possibility too, so I trudge on.

    Michelle,

    I’m not overly religious myself but I have long since found and felt that disaster has been avoided for many because of a flat tyre or forgetting keys or missing flights. So tragic for the loved ones of the person who died. I am glad you are still here to tell the tale but it can be a shock experience.

    Thank you for your advice about grief, it really is something I am hoping to work on further. In one way, a sick part of me hopes that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. That that would explain the devastation I have felt at losing my ex, my extreme reactions etc. I’d love to be able to have a eureka moment. But who knows.

    Kkasxo,

    Remember what I said previously about emotions….from the Latin word which basically means, express outward. I think you have to continually keep doing it, even if therapy sessions have ended, even if your relationship is on steadier ground than when you were in a spiral. Everything must come out. So let it out. Here, if you want to, or to family, friends, Mr.A, your journal, the air, whatever way you need to.

    I know for me, hormones play a huge part in my ups and downs so I really have been telling myself lately that ‘this too shall pass’ and it usually does. I’m a bit anxious and panicky this evening (actually probably due to other people’s input into my life), but yesterday on a walk, I registered that I could not say I was unbearably sad. I have only felt that one sentence to be true the past year, on and off but the overriding response to the question ‘how are you?’, one I’d ask myself regularly. But on Saturday I felt I couldn’t justifiably day I was extremely sad as before. I had to admit, I am kind of neutral or maybe I don’t know the exact description yet, but it seems things do change, even if only sporadically.

    Feel whatever you need to and make no apologies. x

    #308945

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Thanks so much for your kind words and advice! It’s like you’ve gone inside my head! I do hold a belief or feeling that if I don’t feel excrutiating pain and loss at the thought of both my mum and step mum, that I’m doing them a disservice. That I’m being disrespectful. Because they mattered. I don’t want life to move on as if they never mattered.

    Anyways, sorry have to sign off for the moment, I’m at work and getting very emotional, so I’ll be back again later. x

    #308935

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I’m actually glad you said that, because that’s exactly how I feel! The few spirals I’ve had have led me down a dark path where I consider not going on. That it’s all too much to bear. Like I said previously, it seemed too melodramatic to say I was suicidal after a break up…but now I feel a bit braver saying it because you have said it. It’s horrific. The depth of the intensity of the blackness is honestly overwhelming. When it happened last….I think maybe last Toct/Nov, I called my sister as I was in a bad way, alone. But she was away and that’s the time she said to me that she literally can’t put my feet on the ground one after another, she said I had to get up from the hole and walk out of it myself. So that day, I pulled myself off the couch and walked out the front door for a walk. So I thought that was the key, to be strong and help yourself up and out. But I don’t know, it’s all very confusing to me now. You give me some hope though.

    Michelle,

    That element of things still hurts. I thought I had processed all that grief, but honestly my therapist consistently keeps asking me if I have really let my mum go. A couple of times he’s asked me to say statements in relation to my mum and I completely break down and beg him to talk about something else. I need to work on that I think, but I just don’t know what it will do. As in, what if it makes me worse and I become completely non-functioning. Thank you for your insight though, I don’t disagree, as I said it’s something my therapist has consistently mentioned. But if talk of her comes up, I start to get panic attacks, so we never seem to venture much further.

    #308865

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    I’ve been thinking more and more about our feelings lately. I am trying to help myself to move on and improve my life and secure my happiness but I’m doing a lot of external things I think. I’m beginning to understand that to get healthy in mind, I have to feel everything. I can’t read a book or blog about how to feel better, I have to feel what I’m feeling to feel better.

    How does one do that? Absolutely no clue. The few times where I have nearly wailed and screamed with pain and hurt, my therapist says he feels are the times I come closest to my real emotion, but then I think…my goodness, you can’t sustain feeling that level of pain, it’s very overwhelming and excrutiating but I wonder is that what I actually need to do. I nearly feel I don’t have the right to feel that strongly and intensely about the demise of a relationship when that kind of reaction would normally be expressed by people who maybe have had horrific ordeals like a parent losing a child under horrific circumstances to experience of war or something. Because embarrassingly that’s how deeply I know I can feel this loss.

    So I suppose there is an element of pull yourself together Shelby which is preventing me from feeling it all fully. I don’t have the confidence that I will be able to cope fully!

    Work is a good distraction but I feel more and more lately, your heart and emotional centre is crying out to be expressed and felt and you find that difficult with Mr.A around and long for some private time to release. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing and wanting that time to let out what you need to.

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