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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #368325
    Danny
    Participant

    Please help me.

    I’m unsure of where to start i posted this in my own thread too but I want to give context before you judge me as a fuckboy. I want your help after reading a few posts on this thread. You appear to be full of insight and wisdom. When I was younger I was always the misfit, teased and continued to be an awkward teen. I’ve never really felt good enough but I had two things going for me; my humour and my height. When my glow up half happened, the humour was the weapon that got me in with the cool crowds and I met and fell in love with A over a period of 4 years, but A dumped me for my ex best friend. This relationship really damaged me I lost two people I loved and because I really loved A with purity as she was my first, I ended up really broken and coped badly with the breakup. All the feelings of inadequacies as a child began to haunt me again. It wasn’t until my bro got seriously ill that i began to come back to reality and realised life was short but I think I realise now, I’ve also been listening to really bad advice too, from my mates who told me to get out there again and screw over every woman as basically revenge for what A did or to forget the feelings. Instead what I needed was closure and time to myself to work through the feelings of falling in love for the first time and having my planned future with her shattered.

    I’ll admit I’m a red blooded male. Since trying to move on from A, I went on loads of dates but fast forward to when I met this woman who I’m going to call B, to be honest when I first met her I was driven by my desires she was super fit and hot. She had the physique of a model and I got excited by the chase and her showing interest in me.

    I categorised her with most women I’d met who took me for granted before because they were good looking. They all would give affection to the average guy=me and in exchange would want goods or gifts. I treated her with that intention I’d get what I’d want a bit of attention, boost my ego and she’d benefit with a new handbag.

    But B unlike most women was nothing like that, she was attractive and downplayed her appeal. She was not willing to give it up for just anyone and certainly didn’t ask for any type of exchange. Maybe it was the ego or the challenge but she drew me in.

    As I got drawn in I ended up bonding with her and sharing things I had not with a woman since A. B was so giving and emotionally supportive, the way she helped when my brother nearly died etc. was remarkable for someone I had not known very long. She made me feel alive again and believe in myself, she gave me confidence.The more I got to know her I realised B had it all, her personality was top notch too.

    That’s when I don’t understand what happened. Maybe the bad advice from mates but I royally cocked it up.

    I started to feel something deeper for B and it was the first time I had felt real feelings since A. But I kept shutting the feelings down by countering them with thinking she was too good to be true, I also felt inadequate compared to her due to how broken I was from my ex. It made me believe she deserved someone better,  she would leave like A and with her not sleeping with me it made me feel further butthurt too. I just felt she was withholding because she didn’t really want or desire me in the same way I desired her. So I became manipulative and felt a need to control things to feel more in power. I would be attentive then ignore her. I don’t know why I just couldn’t shake the feeling she was making a fool of me, after something or would hurt me. The lads convinced me (probably based on how I was presenting to them with my skewed thoughts) that she was just playing games with my feelings and had no intention of being with me longterm. I began to believe she was sticking with someone as average as me by virtue of pity so I hurt her.

    I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore and I even told her I had never been that interested in her in the first place. She tried to reassure me but i began treating her with contempt and she walked away.

    To my messed up head it just confirmed my fears she would leave. I couldn’t see it for what it was a woman who was loyal but not willing to take crap treatment from anyone. When she left, nobody has ever been that kind and graceful to me when parting, even when knowing I was the dick.

    I justified it in my head that she had plenty of attention and was out of my league she knew herself, was hot, great career so it wouldn’t affect her in anyway. I thought I was doing the best thing to protect myself and my ego when I treated her with contempt.

    However through mutual friend, I’ve heard she was badly upset and I deeply hurt her more than I thought. I know she did not deserve any pain, I thought selfishly only about myself. She wasn’t taking pity and in fact really liked me for who I was and I was idiotic and pushed her away.

    If I’m honest I feel like I had no real intention of being with someone again longterm when I first met B I was just looking for a way to distract because I had not healed the scars left by A.

    I acted like the relationship with B was going to go somewhere, I made efforts and then when things actually began to feel real, I just bailed on her. I awakened feelings in her only to screw her over. I think there’s a part of me which acted unknowingly to inflict the pain I’d felt from what A did to me onto B. I feel like a sadist.

    Its been 10 months since it happened, immediately after I just didn’t want to deal with the feelings. Because when she left it actually hurt which I knew for me meant I had genuine feelings for her but I jumped back into the game. I started dating and then met C, after the newness wore off the relationship with C, 6 months later I found myself comfortable with C enjoyed the intimacy but deep down I still felt lonely. She just didn’t understand me like B did and we both just ended it, because it got stale. I was never my real self with C I found myself placating like I did with A, I felt like I was playing up to her idea of me just to have a partner and be with someone but it was exhausting.

    Since I’ve had a rude awakening from my bro when I finally shared where I was in life with him. He bluntly laid out the facts I had avoided facing. He said I had never processed As betrayal and strung along B with my confusion and I’d regret it years down the line if not now because she was the one who stood by me at my weakest. He said C was just to have sex and she had given me physical part I had needed so I attached because of that. I needed to grow up and become a real man if I wanted something meaningful. If he had not been ill I wish i went to him instead of the lads, his advice was full of wisdom and experience I could have made better choices.

    So I have been reflecting and sitting with my real feelings. The truth is B is the best woman I’ve ever met. She gave me stability but was always up for banter and exciting, she always wanted the best for me like no other. The only woman I’ve met who had self respect to not sleep with a man to gain his affections, she brought out the goodness in me, B is the only one who has deeply cared about me without wanting me to pay for dinners , handbags ,shoes and clothes etc just to keep her on good terms. I lied to myself for so long saying she was this that and the other to convince myself she was never right one for me but I can’t run away anymore. I was insecure. I was scared.

    I never gave her a real chance and I realise I put too much thought on the physical side and my ego. When I think about our time together we could talk for hours, we had deep emotional talks, our dates were fun and we always ended up spending hours together and never wanted it to end, she was warm, thoughtful but spontaneous and wild too. I never felt bored in her company.

    Some people need to escalate things physically to get the emotions really brewing. I’m like that, I need that gratification to feel the physical connection and to commit. Now I realise I  was immature, we had it, it was there without us needing to go for the home run. When i met her in person I always couldn’t control myself but my insecurities from my relationship with A make me feel inadequate when she didn’t go to 4th base with me. I feel like an arsehole.

    I was awful in giving her closure too. I never treated her anywhere near as good as she treated me or as I know I am capable of because I was scared I’d become more invested. I feel she deserved the purity I gave to A. I feel like I squandered my chance of being with someone who actually loved me for me and would have grown with me. What shall I do? I have not had any contact with her for months but just can’t stop thinking about her and witching hour is the worst, I don’t want to hurt her further. I realise how selfish I have been but I desperately want to make amends for the pain I caused her, I’m not even contemplating anything else yet. Please ladies do you think this is even possible? How do I fix my mistake?

    I know you are probably going to think I’m just a fuck boy and I didn’t get the notch but it’s far from the truth. I was scared, I didn’t let her in and pushed her away. My morals are questionable but I’m not evil, I have a conscience. I’m not just regretting because the grass hasn’t proved greener, I just better understand who and what I need now in an adult relationship.

     

    Danny

    #368419
    Sammy
    Participant

    Ermm @Danny one thing I promised I’d never do is ignore someone who asks for help directly.

    Reading your message was hard because I can draw parallels with how you treated ‘B’ and it kind of resurfaced my own pain.

    I believe no one is beyond redemption. We can all make bad decisions. You at least are owning up to your erroneous ways. I wish another contributer @Tim was able to respond to you man to man. I think you would learn and benefit a lot from his experience.

    Asking ladies for advice is always going to be hard as there will be a natural bias. With me I can’t sit here and molly coddle so some of what I say will be real talk but with no intent to be spiteful and objective as possible. The other ladies @Kkasxo and especially @Shelbyville are very non judgemental so maybe they’ll be able to offer more sympathy and a different light on your situation.

    Firstly, I understand you got hurt no one deserves to be cheated on let alone betrayed by a best friend. I’m sorry you went through that, I can imagine the pain especially when you love some one and it turns out they didn’t love you back in the same way. I hope you have now dealt with this pain because your brother is very wise!

    Being hurt by no means allows you to then go and hurt other women! THAT WAS A JACKASS MOVE! I’m coming to learn that’s very common for males when dealing with 1st heartbreaks. Why can’t you keep it in your trousers and reflect sooner?!You need to really reconsider the advice you take because it’s obvious it’s been bad and because you are insecure you are impressionable, so must have done it for clout/impress the lads/to fit in. Maybe even reassess who you hang with if that’s how they believe women should be treated. It’s despicable. Please don’t say boys will be boys because then you need go f yourselves and not hurt genuine people with infantile behaviour!

    The fact you feel remorseful at least shows there’s a conscience there and some moral compass. I don’t want to make you feel shittier.

    Secondly, I’ll be balanced there are some women who do what you said. They use a nice guy for expensive gifts and feign affection.  But doesn’t seem you were nice guy being taken advantage of. You trying to get even by then benefitting from sex makes you just as bad. If you have a mutual agreement then that’s fine you’re consenting adults but anyone doing sexual favours with expectation of a gift in return or money is no different to prostitution in my eyes. It definitely isn’t love!!

    I can see why you have lost respect for certain women but that doesn’t mean you label every single woman as a user.

    You misjudged ‘B’ due to immaturity and she clearly wasn’t like that. From what you wrote ‘B’ showed no signs of that behaviour and seemed to have been genuinely invested in you and I think you let your own fears and insecurities sabotage it. The fact she never resorted to sleeping with you to impress you shows she values herself. You let your own insecurities convince you that she was a cocktease or after your money etc.

    You really disrespected her and it appears you took advantage of her good nature and used her as an emotional support/crutch.

    As a woman to feel afterwards you were used by someone you genuinely respect/love is incredibly degrading and painful. I’ve experienced that with my ex who I still have love for but have lost trust and respect in him. Even the most confident of people can be left feeling questioning their self worth after spending time with someone toxic. I’m afraid that’s what you were at that time.

    It could be one of two things;  she wanted to see the best in you, she wanted to believe that she could heal you. Women who are good hearted and loyal will want to ‘fix you’ they stand by you when everyone else deserts you but sometimes in the process unbeknownst to themselves, they end up breaking themselves too.

    Or she could have been fragile, suffering very low self esteem and you took advantage of her vulnerability.

    I think the fact she didn’t sleep with you points towards the fact she was a very nurturing person and you took advantage of that kind heartedness and good nature. A person with very low self esteem would not uphold their values because they have no boundaries they break them all. I know many women who think by sleeping with a unavailable guy she’ll finally secure him and get him to commit. The fact she didn’t do that is telling and I too believe you’ve cocked up big time.

    I think that’s why you have such regret because you see you had a rare gem but treated it equivalent to crap on your shoe. You clearly didn’t value it.

    Of course she would be upset and want an explanation for your behaviour she is a human being with emotions not a shiny object. You should have given her full closure. She clearly believed in you and if you shared stuff with her then you were building an emotional connection so of course she must have got attached, like you said you awakened feelings in her with no intention to commit. That’s cruel. You must have really left her with a lot of questions and its those questions which we want answers to that cause the pain to worsen.

    This is my view only, @Shelbyville and @Kkasxo can add their thoughts hopefully but I think it takes a real man to take accountability. It’s a step in the right direction and part of growing up. You owe her an apology for sure and it can go a very long way as receiving one has done for me.

    Something i learned in addiction recovery because i became reliant on alcohol when my ex mistreated me. Its applicable to relationship as love is a like a drug. Step 8: Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them.

    So never do it over text that’s feeble and insincere if you mistreated her you apologise in person. Also you need to let her dictate the pace. Don’t apologise to gain something for yourself i.e. underlying belief you are owed a 2nd chance. It’s been 10 months so a lot could have changed. If you get in touch make it clear it is to apologise. Respect her and be prepared to hear some harsh words.

    The rest I don’t know if it will work out, I don’t know if your reasons are selfish or if your motives are sincere. If you really want it then work on yourself and be that man she could see and believed in. Improve, grow and change otherwise apologise at least and let her be with someone who would value her.


    @Kkasxo
    thanks for your quick reply, you are so kind. You are right each person will in the end do what they feel but I’m big believer in learning and not repeating mistakes. My heart was leaning towards softening and giving my ex a chance but after reading Danny’s post that pain I went through felt very sharp and fresh again. I don’t know what to do. I will wish him happy birthday and maybe leave it at that for now.

    Do you feel by you and Mr A being so comfortable and available with each other you are hindering yourself? Like co dependent? I feel my ex and I were. If you feel like that initial love is gone and you are like an old couple then would it not be better to have a clean break? So you can experience new love without a safety net? I feel even if my ex and I don’t reconcile but he stays on the radar so to speak I’ll never really learn to be strong for myself. I’ll never do myself justice in being what I’m capable of alone without that safety net. We deserve more than remnants of old love or just feeling comfortable. We deserve to feel more than okay? Someone who keeps you feeling alive by pushing you to be bolder and better each day. Love is an action.

    That’s why I’m stuck and I do believe we should be kind to ourselves but not to the point where we become motionless. Which is why i personally like to gain awareness from others experiences to prevent falling into another unnecessary difficulty. So confused. Maybe choosing the harder more challenging option to confront is the right way. For me that would be to drop the familiarity (him) and move on to find someone one day who will actually love me for me and want to grow together.

    You’ve been incredibly brave and strong though to have handled so much adversity! Thank you for giving me help appreciate it ever so much especially without @Shelbyville and @Tim being able to correspond xx

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Sammy.
    #368437
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville @Tim would really appreciate your wise words too if poss before Sun 🙁

    #368439
    Danny
    Participant

    Hello @Sammy. Thank you for responding, my lunch break is almost over. I will read it properly and reply more adequately but wanted to write a quick short message of thanks.

     

    I hope the ladies you have quoted @Shelbyville (I love Simpsons!) And @Kkasxo can also offer a view. I want to do right by ‘B’.

     

    Danny

    #368441
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Welcome to the thread & I hope you get at least some insight from the responses you receive.

    To be honest, your story is not uncommon in the slightest. And it’s quite sad actually that you think so little of yourself that you truly believed you were B’s passing time until she finds someone more ‘worthy’. Why are you not worthy exactly? Because A couldn’t see your worth and left?

    I think it’s great that you have taken the time to look deep into your own self and what drives you to do these things. Ever heard of the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ – well it couldn’t be truer. You hurt B because you were still hurting and not healed from your experiences with A. I think what you have to learn from that experience is that you really need to sit with yourself and figure things out before you go ahead and get another D, E, F.. involved in your life.

    I think an apology is due for sure. Maybe an apology followed by some perspective to B. It by no means excuses your behaviour but maybe it will offer her some reassurance that she was indeed worthy. Because sounds to me like you left her feeling exactly how A left you feeling at the end of the relationship – and that’s not fair.

    I don’t think you’re a fuck boy. I think you’re a little lost and in need of inner work – like the rest of us. You clearly also need to stop listening to the lads because let’s be honest, your growing body count isn’t making you truly happy is it? And swiping left right on tinder isn’t going to make you happy either.

    Learn from this. Heal what needs healing. Work on yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes and the rest will follow.

    #368445
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

     

    So sorry for delayed response. I’ve taken the work promotion and I feel like there are literally no enough hours in teh day nowadays, I don’t take lunch breaks and barely respond to texts! It’s full on, but I’m hoping it’s only while I find my feet.

    Not much time to go into detail….I will try at a quieter time but for now – Sammy, message your ex for his birthday if you feel like it. You are not on bad terms, it can be a generic enough text but nice to just wish him well without any further expectation out of it.

    Lucie, I hope the ginger biscuits help, but Kkasxo is right, the nausea reduces when the anxiety reduces – so some methods to reduce that might be the best option. Fresh air, walk, journal and watch funny videos on youtube sometimes helps me.

    Danny,

    Kkasxo and I often are of the one mind….I literally thought reading your post ‘Hurt people Hurt people’!

    I don’t think you are a player, i think you’re playing at being a player. You’re the kid from your childhood. We do the best we can…..until we know better. The  we do better.

    B deserves an apology but for HER sake, not yours. It may help you feel better to apologise but it can’t be for that sole reason you do it. It should be to give what you describe as a wonderful woman, some peace.

    You have work to do on yourself. Sometimes people are brought into our lives as journey mates, maybe they’re there to show is something we needed to learn, might not mean they are meant to stay. You’ll be okay. This is all learning and growth and self awareness, hang in there.

     

    #368446
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo lovely to hear from you. Yep the virus is like a noose at times I feel, but we are humans and therefore resilient, so we keep going.

    I’m okay, there is a lot going on, tough new job, new location, new relationship, the teething problems of so much change for those around me who are used to me always putting others first. TBH, it’s been A LOT.

    But I’m trying to stay in the moment as much as I can and control the controllables.

    As for you, i can imagine it’s so different without your mum nearby, but life is constant change and soon it will become the norm to have a facetime call with her at a certain time or to post her a nice letter and some photos.

    As for Mr A I’m glad you’re not in any pain with that. I’d rather you were really fulfilled and loved and adored and cherished and challenged and supported in every single way possible….but that might be me being a little biased!!! heehee

    #368449
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville don’t worry about it. Congratulations on your promotion. I knew you had the skills and just needed to believe. I hope you manage to get a break and enjoy the downtime.


    @Danny
    I know I was harsher than the others but that’s  because I can’t be entirely impartial as I was used too. I’m glad @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville replied in depth and gave you some comfort. We can all use that alongside a healthy dose of reality. Good luck. I hope ‘B’ experiences some of the pain and weight lift. If you are given the chance make amends in person. Take her something small, a gesture you remember personal to her. Pay for coffee. Don’t over do it, but it will help. Apologising over text, letter etc. never brings about complete closure to the chapter that passed. There’s been times I’ve bit my lip to keep the peace and communication open because I hate hurting loved ones but in person everything poured out, the truth, it was raw and much needed way to really process those swirling thoughts and feelings. He needed to hear it and feel it too to realise the true consequences of his actions and accept accountability.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Sammy.
    #368457
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy

    I’m sorry you got hurt, if it makes you feel any better, by replying to me in such a fair  way, even though you drew parallels with your own situation is a testimony of your strength and character. I hope you find your peace and I apologise if I have made things fresh for you again. Thank you for saying we are all capable of redemption and I will definitely be reassessing the company I keep “mates”.

    I accept you addressing me with a more exacting tone. Everything you wrote is the stark reality. I appreciate the help in how to make amends. I will not be cowardly and will rectify it in person if permitted. Is it ok to request a meeting over text or phone? Any tips on how to approach that?

    Do you believe having been in a similar situation you’d ever forgive and forget to try again?


    @Kkasxo

    Thanks for such a warm welcome to the thread. I will admit your response made me choke back tears. The insight I’ve received from you all is overwhelming. It has been very difficult to sit with these emotions but it’s time I grew up. @Shelbyville is correct I was that little boy playing at being a player to feel better. I wish I never listened to the lads, the hollowness is unreal. I don’t expect to be swiping left/right again. Thank you for not labelling me a fuckboy and realising I have definitely been lost in my own insecurities.

    I want to say I know I referenced them as A, B etc that’s not to demean in any way. I just don’t want to use their names in a public forum.

    Kkasxo , I do feel after A cheated it felt like it was a reflection that I wasn’t handsome, clever, cool and relaxed enough. All the things my best friend always was and that’s why she chose him all my life I felt second best that reinforced that feeling. I was not worthy.

    When ‘B’ met me she had this sixth sense or something she could see past the fronting. She could feel my pain and just had a unique emotional understanding. I couldn’t control my desires for her outer beauty to really prize her inner beauty back then. She tried so hard to reflect back what she saw in me and she had a positive energy. So when ‘B’ would express that about me, it would irritate me because I didn’t believe it and then knowing she was so attractive I felt scared and wary.

    You are spot on, I should never have gone out there on the advice of the lads. I should have dealt with my issues first. Maybe if I had met ‘B’ when better healed I would have treated her so much better and how she deserved. Instead I sucked her into my dark world without realising how damaging I was being to someone so beautiful inside and out. She pulled me out of that pit and I may have pushed her in.

    One of the posters said I should pay for her psychotherapy because she must have low self esteem to consider sticking by someone like me?

    I don’t know how to take that. I’m offended to read it because it reinforces my beliefs about my unworthiness.

    I explained I’ve been a dick in my judgement but she didn’t have low self esteem, ‘B’ was a rare kind with values and self respect. I’ve never met someone so giving, selfless and pure hearted. She felt great empathy and like yourself saw my real self and that I was hurting and there was more to me.

    But the poster went onto say;

    ” …I did not feel your raw form… but B did. I wonder what she experienced when she saw and heard and felt your raw form. I wonder if she still cherishes it.”

    I feel slighted or am I being sensitive. Do you think ‘B’ hates me?

    I really hope I have not damaged her faith in seeing the good in people. When I treated her with contempt because I couldn’t deal with the fact I had got it so wrong she walked away so gracefully careful to not undo the work in building me up and ensured I didn’t feel shit about myself because she had seen the fragileness when I was in a low place when we met, she knew exactly who I was and still accepted me. I took that for granted. Why was I such a idiotic fool?

    No lies, I have feelings deeper than I even knew for her. All your responses are suggesting I apologise and leave her alone. Do you think with time I could prove to her that I am capable of being the man worthy of her and not the idiot boy she met?

    Shelbyville, you also said this was probably a journey mate. What if I believe there was a more deeper connect between us. Do I give it up and not try, do you believe it’s too late? You all seem to have a lot of experience. I would welcome all the guidance. I can’t thank you enough for your time.

    Danny

    #368459
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Your entire post just now reinforced everything I already thought about you. Albeit I don’t know you in person but you definitely don’t come across as a fuckboy or a player. Just someone who has gotten lost in their ways. Don’t forget, that putting yourself out there on any media platform has its reprocussions. It’s a world of opinions, some you will agree with, others you’ll be astounded by – but they are opinions at the end of the day. Like my opinion, you can take it all with a pinch of salt.

    I don’t think you’re fundamentally a bad person. I think you have a lot of growing to do and from what I read, you’re already on the right path willing to work on it. Mistakes are a part of who we are and there’s a lot of self forgiveness required in this life – something I’ve personally had to deal with too.

    I do think that at this time, it wouldn’t be fair for you to pursue B again in a romantic manner. I agree she deserves an apology, for her sake like @Shelbyville said but that is all at present. You’re still on a journey. And until you crack that unworthy idea in your head and work it all out, you’re always going to go back in your ways eventually. Things may be good for a while until something happens and you feel insufficient again and it all falls apart. It isn’t fair on your or her or anyone else for that matter. It’s not to say that you can’t or won’t be able to ever reconcile with her, who knows, maybe that is a possibility. But you come across as a reasonable man who has acknowledged their wrongs and I think you’d be wise to see that you wouldn’t want to end up in the same situation again, potentially hurting someone you very clearly care about again.

    Be raw in your apology, be the authentic self she always saw you for – whatever the outcome may be. But also be aware that it will likely bring up a lot of emotions for her, perhaps not great ones.

    Put yourself aside in this situation for just a moment and think about this person that you care about. What is best for her right now?

    #368460
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Ah how I have missed you!

    Congratulations on the job, promotion & the new man of course! (I’ve waited over two years to say these words and I am overfilled with joy).

    Like you have said, try to stay present and accept the chaos right now. It’s all taking you to where you need to be. I am so pleased for you.

    My mama bear is actually flying in first thing tomorrow with my little sister (to sit indoors with me and quarantine for two weeks) but nonetheless at least she’ll be here! So excited!

    Life for me on this end is so stale at the moment. I’m in a job that I’m not really coping with it is THAT busy – but money.

    Mr A is same old, guess we’ll just waste a little bit more of one another’s time haha – I honestly have to laugh at it all now. Gotta trust that one day this whole chapter will make sense!

    Oh & I got a kitten some time ago now, baby Nala! She’s my absolute world, the most loving little baby in the world. Sooo I think I’m on a journey to accepting that the inevitable is I’ll become a single, crazy cat lady!

    #368463
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Danny,

    I’ve read your story and by reading it I also felt like I experienced B’s side myself. Not exactly in that way necessary… It’s strange how I always felt I was rejected because I was not interesting enough, or good enough, or because I was to serious… But you gave me a real proof of another perspective (that people who care to me were saying to me, but I couldn’t believe it 100 percent) – that maybe those guys felt I’m too good for them. I doesn’t have to be that way, and I guess I doesn’t even matter anymore. But thank you for that.
    As for you, I agree that you did her wrong… But if you realized that, and you regret and you wan’t to change and do different in the future that’s a good turn, and it would be really good of you to do that. So you can be with some women in the future, and your relationship could be a good one.
    As for B.. Yes you do owe her an apology, even an explanation.. I guess I would like to hear that myself (never did, though)… But ask her to be again with her… I’m not sure of that. I also think you are just starting your change, you miss her because you realized how great she is, but is it really best for her to be together with you? I’m not sure.


    @Sammy

    I read your story about meeting your ex and now your dilemma what to do… To tell you the truth, recently I avoided giving advices because I feel I was too hurt and not in a good place to give advice. Like, as I’m hurt and single, I would give wrong advice, tell someone to break up with boyfriend because of a problem, even if that is not always the best… Because I don’t have one.

    And to tell the truth, I was reading your story, and thinking “and why no ex never wanted to get back to me…”  And then I caught myself, you stupid, he did.. My first boyfriend broke up 2 times and we got back 2 times. And now? I wish he did not. I was too much a fool to get back. I even initiated it. What a fool. So I lost 7 years with him, instead of 2. Really great.
    Our mind really plays tricks with us.. I still have to work on myself, as I first thought I’m so awful that no one wanted me back , but he did. The second and third didn’t. And that’s okay. Because I would got back to them and made the same mistake. So I guess universe is taking care of me, even if I  can’t. I really wish my 1st boyfriend never wanted me back, and I’m glad the second one didn’t. The third, recent one? I’m still strugling a bit, but I’m feeling I’ll be really happy he didn’t, very soon. Because the first month and second I would get back.
    But this third month I realized that if I want real love and commitment I have to find a guy who wants that too.

    What should you do? I still don’t feel I can’t give you advice whether to be back with him or not… So I guess I can just tell you my story, which I just did.

    About the birthday, I guess you can send a message and left it at that.


    @Shelbyville

    I’m happy for your relationship and for work. You give me hope that everything can turn better, and thank you very much for that.

    @Kkasxho

    I read some of your posts in this thread, and glad to hear from you. I’m happy for news about your mama and kitten.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Rhaenys.
    #368511
    Danny
    Participant

    @Kkasxo thanks mate for your insight and you really have a good vibe about you. I read your last post. I don’t think it’s possible you’re going to end up a crazy single cat lady! Your kind and remind me of traits in ‘B’ authentic but accepting of humans fallibility so thank you for being fair. Also hope your family still came even with the impending lockdown.

    I was listening to spotify and a song called “Golden” came on and the lyrics reminded me of her, when I checked the artist it was Harry Styles how ironic she loved him and I’d mock her for it. Everything reminds me of her all of a sudden inside the pocket of an old blazer i found her oyster card and hair tie from one of our dates. The pangs of pain were sharp i just slammed the wardrobe shut. Things which normally help me escape like snooker and gaming no longer work, part of me wants to go back to being ignorant of these feels, when I was able to shut everything out and she didn’t matter, when I had convinced myself she would be better off and wasn’t meant for me.

    Because now if I sit still with my thoughts and think about ‘B’ and all she did for me whilst I was blessed with her presence. I feel a tightness in my chest. I want to throw up.

    You asked what is best for her? I feel like she deserves nothing but to be respected and cherished. I didn’t give her either which is why in the end even with her big heart she left 🙁 i succeeded in spooking myself. Who needs Halloween when I can scare and freak myself out and be the monster.

    What if I call her after so long and end up hurting her further. When I say further, I would never treat her like I did but I’m afraid of refreshing that pain for her. If it made @Sammy’s pain fresh again from drawing parallels then what will it do to her?

    I have spoken to my bro too but trying not to overwhelm him as he is still in recovery but he is of the opinion if I want to be a man I need to clean up the mess I made and be willing to take the bullet for my actions and do it in person. That ‘B’ will benefit.

    Reading @Rhaenyss and @Sammy take, it seems you all may be right, women want an explanation and their questions answered, so I’m hoping ‘B’ is of the same mind frame and it helps her not hurt.

    The reason why I want to apologise is not to win her back, I can dream but I know it is unfair to seek that off the bat. She owes me nothing. I will be indebted to her forever because she saw something in me when I was drowning, she pulled me out of deep waters.

    I want to say sorry because until the very end she made sure I knew I was worthy etc. She was so selfless, even text after to see if I was doing well which I brushed off and then she did again when bros treatment began asking if he was ok. I replied and told her nothing about him and said I’d moved on and to basically stop messaging.

    I was such a dick, I avoided accepting what I had done to her and confronting it. I need to face that head on and take responsibility. Do you think she will even answer now?

    I want her to know, in my own twisted way I always cared about her. I want to be sure she is not damaged by my actions.  I awakened feelings in her but she reawakened my soul and I never meant to make her feel insignificant.

    You give such sound advice @Kkasxo, I need to work on myself and that low worth before I can attempt any romantic relationship or it will crop up again one way or another. It was never about the body count more about trying to feel confident in the wrong way. Thinking the experience under the belt would make me cooler but it was never enough.


    @Shelbyville
    said ‘B’ may have been a journey mate, I did learn to be better because of her she had given me confidence in myself and I went straight back into dating, I met ‘C ‘ I was the better version of me, more respectful, treated her better but I just felt like I was with someone who didn’t know every side of me. ‘B’ had managed to dive deep into my soul and see the parts even I had trouble accepting and she still accepted me.

    The relationship with ‘C’ was comfortable, it was status quo, I liked her but after the newness wore off. I felt I was almost going through the motions to not feel lonely, to not have to go through the whole process of finding someone but I didn’t feel challenged to grow.

    That’s when I started realising what I needed in an adult relationship and we ended it. All of a sudden ‘B’ was at the fore. At first I thought maybe it’s because I’m finding myself single again but I knew I’d been running ‘B’ within weeks of knowing me had made such an impact and encouraged change. I knew if I hadn’t been so insecure, cowardly and let it develop how exciting it would have been with me at my best if at my worst she saw so much. If only I had learned to control the desires and appreciated who she was instead of taking her for granted, I miss the little things she did that made me feel so special and the texts to make sure I got home okay. The fun dates, how warm she was when we’d hug. God, it stings real bad. I miss her.

    I do believe every person in our life enters for a reason some hurt you, some teach you etc. Those that are special bring out the good in you. They are rare though and our own actions determine if they stay or leave and i caused a special woman to leave, there’s no way in reasoning, the truth catches up with you 🙁  man it sucks. Why was I such a knob, why didn’t I see all this when I was with her?!

     

    #368515
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Danny,

    Take a break buddy…you’ve been beating the crap out of yourself a lot. Maybe put the bat down. We can do a lot of things in this world. Changing the past…i’m afraid….is just one of those things that is simply impossible. You did what you did at the time because it was your coping mechanism. You didn’t want to hurt a kind human being like that deliberately, you don’t come across as an evil-minded person. You mere had a programme running in the background that dictated your actions at the time, to help you navigate life without risking the pain you felt in the past. It all makes sense.

    Of course in hindsight with some self awareness and growth we feel absolutely horrendous for what we’ve done, but it happened. It’s done. You were a different person then. Not the person typing today. Not the person you will be in a year. Regrets are just regrets if you learn nothing from them.

    I could sit here and cry and berate myself for going back to my ex three times and wasting so much time and heartache. Will that change those past few years? Not a bit. It was what it was, I did what I did because of the coping mechanisms I had at the time. I didn’t know better and then I know better, I do better.

    B sounds like a lovely person, but she’s human and has her own life experiences that brought her to that point in her life. She may have met you and experienced what she did for her own reasons. Maybe she learned from that pain, who knows. Raking the coals is a deliberate form of torture. Do your best to make amends, move on and do better next time. Perhaps reach out by text – a tentative one at first and then if she responds, follow up with a request to meet. If she does not want to, then leave her be, she has chosen how she wants to heal. Is she agrees, meet her, apologise with true sincerity and let her know how much you actually respect and admire her as a human and then let her go and heal whatever way she wants to. She may have moved on already, she may not have, but at least you will have given her the respect of expressing your remorse.

     

    #368516
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo

    To be honest, I think I’m well in over my head with my job too, I honestly am not excited, just have a sinking feeling when I think about it, like a heaviness on my chest.

    I’M so happy your family is coming. Tow weeks quarantine with family is a gift right now, once upon a time it might have driven us nutty but I think we appreciate being with those we love and care about so much more now.

    Have you had any deep conversations with Mr. A recently? Do you feel you will end up together long-term, say if he wants to get married or if ye want a family? Or do you think you will have a conversation at some point which may change things?

     

    As for me, probably just the usual shelbyville self sabotage going on!! Ah i don’t know how I feel. Well actually, I know I am absolutely terrified. I’m just scared. I can’t pinpoint what exactly, but I feel like I’m looking for certainty at all times with the new guy and that’s just unrealistic. He was the one more expressive than me about his feelings and has been trying to cajole bits and pieces out of me, but now I feel myself getting more and more attached to him, I’m scared because now I feel like I have something to lose.

    I do ask him a bit about the future and in fairness he gives me as much of an answer as one can when they have only been with someone a few months, but it’s like it’s never enough. Still seeking something it seems. I’m doing my best to tackle things calmly and not overreact and try not to over-analyse, but you know me! He’s a really laid back guy in many ways and believes that you should enjoy the moment rather than constantly worrying about the future or the past, but easier said than done for the likes of me!

    Aw that’s so sweet that you have a kitten, pets can give such unconditional love! I miss my dog back home at my dad’s place! One day I dream of having my own place with a puppy!

    Let me know how you are doing. x


    @sammy
    – how did you get on, did you text your ex for his birthday?

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