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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #367940
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Sammy thank you for your response and input. You are very kind, it’s worth a try. Yes, I read @Tim’s message, his insight is missed. Carry on with your progress, you’ve done great!

    I’m very patient but I can see why you wait a response eagerly. You have really taken @Shelbyville and @Tim advice and utilized it to better yourself. You have really helped one another. I hope that continues for you.

    #367953
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sammy,</p>
    Look at you!!!! What an incredible woman you are. Honestly, I admire you. You’ve shown more resilience, wisdom and self awareness than I probably ever have.
    I’m so glad you have much more peace now. You deserve that. Big steps have been taken and they are steps in the right direction.

    The outlook you have for future relationships means you’re learning the lesson life must have wanted to teach you. Well done.

    As for friends with exes. So, I’m not friends with ALL my exes. Just some. To be honest, none of them were anywhere close to the relationship I had with my ex, so I don’t know if that impacts it. However, some guys (who I still had feelings for) I remained friends with because they moved on and met other people. When they did that, and I could see them happy, I honestly stopped pining and just said oh well hey, not meant to be, but they’re still cool. And I just stayed friends. But there would always been a tiny bit of a cooling off period. It wouldn’t be friends immediately after – let the dust settle and then the odd bit of communication was what I did and then the odd meet up and it went from there! Now I’m friends with their wives and they send me pictures of their newborns!!

     

    Lucie – are you pregnant? Perhaps I’ve misread the previous posts. If it’s nausea from panic- yes, I experienced nausea. To the point I couldn’t put any good in my mouth. I eventually used to just eat one double decker chocolate bar a day to keep my energy alive, and from there I started to introduce toast etc. But it took a while – really until the medication helped ease the anxiety.

    are you doing okay? We’re here if you need us

    #367961
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville am I glad to hear from you! Lucie isn’t pregnant, at least I don’t think, it was my only suggestion for nausea. I know ginger works great for nausea for pregnancies, I thought it may help for nausea from PTSD/attacks. I was hoping @Kkasxo or you would come online and offer better advice.

    How are you? Good weekend?

    This weekend, I went to see my exes parents who had been reaching out since the breakup. I thought it was time and do it before Tier 3 is enforced. They both were the most loveliest and perfect in-laws one could ask for. His mum always spoiled me like I was her very own. They valued me more than he ever did even though we split too many times. They were ever so good to me, and one thing my mum instilled in us always remember and repay kindness with kindness. I wanted to explain and thank them in person.

    I took his sister an engagement gift and I’m so glad she wasn’t there. She had discussed me being her bridesmaid since forever and after what happened I knew if she was there I couldn’t face saying no to her request in person.

    I took his parents a hamper and flowers, their face lit up, they clearly weren’t expecting it. I felt elated to hug and see them again but equally, I felt so awful, I wasn’t planning on saying much, I struggled with what I should say. I didn’t want them to think differently about their own son. Whilst I sat there, my feelings were swaying. Do I remain fully immersed or say goodbye? As we talked and laughed, I realised I had to start anew, I would need to create some distance. Being embedded in their special moments would be difficult. I could see they desperately wanted us together and to reconcile. It was so hard.

    I told them I really love them all, that the ex and I were just perfectly wrong for each other. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but I will never forget how they welcomed me into their family, accepted me for who I was. I asked for forgiveness for any pain they had to endure as a result of our split. I said whoever he chooses will be blessed with the most amazing people as family. Loads of tears ensued. I told them this was the least I could do for them always being good to me.

    They said I would always hold a spot in their family and they would welcome me with open arms anytime. If I needed anything they were here and so sorry their son had not treated me better. They said they would love to stay in touch but understand if I didn’t. They wouldn’t force my hand and their daughter would understand.

    It was heart-rending. It hurt like hell saying goodbye to people who love you so unconditionally but I owed it to them to tell them in person how much they meant and how grateful I was. I knew I wouldn’t be visiting them again and any contact would be limited to texts or a call for special holidays and any physical appearances would be by chance.

    As I left, it was sod’s law he pulled up into their driveway. I chose a stupid day – Sunday! I made a brisk walk and got into my car, wiping my tears and he came after me and got in.

    I told him we had said everything and I had only come to say goodbye to his parents. He said what do you mean goodbye? He looked panicked and said he missed all that we had and he hadn’t stopped thinking about me since he last saw me but was giving me space like I asked and hates himself for not growing up sooner. I said I honestly forgive you but it’s a little too late, instead of seeing what you had in front of you. You thought running from me would solve all your problems, you convinced yourself at first that my flaws made me not good enough, then you pretended to yourself for so long you didn’t want me, you never fought for me, you settled with the thought I deserved better and someone else would give me that when I always just wanted you.

    Now it’s over for good. I want better for myself and I don’t want to give you another chance to prove you don’t want me. I always knew you were too selfish. His cheeks started to flush red, I knew from the last time that he was about to bawl. I just couldn’t deal with that, so I said if you have any ounce of respect for me, get out of my car let’s part amicably with love and wish each other happiness before it gets too emotional again. He left and as he said it’s not over because I love you.

    I literally started to tremble and had to pull over on the next road. Wtf? So many chances I gave this man and now that I’m moving on, he decides he wants me. Is he a narcissist or just an immature boy who has finally become a man and realised his immaturity and what real relationships are? Realising what I did to myself and the harm I brought on myself because of that relationship; self-criticalness,  low self-esteem, and drinking proves this type of love is not healthy. Then my betraying heart which still cares hates seeing him hurt.

    What have I done? When I start to move on he opens up or is he just hoovering? He text me when I got home a picture of the photo collage I made him for our last year’s Halloween/his bday party. It’s his birthday the day after on 1st. Is he just wanting me to shower that same love or attention on him again? When I did he found it too much and was ungrateful, how ironic now that is what he misses? What a mess!

    Have you stopped all contact with your main ex now? And the exes you didn’t stay in touch with was it because they meant nothing? I don’t know what to do with him, I can’t cut him out like he never existed that’s I don’t know cruel, the very minimum I’d wish him well over holidays. IDK?!

    Anyway, a break from that mess, Shelby why are you so tough on yourself still? Are you not happy? You’ve shown a lot of growth and resilience too, it’s something you should be proud of. I feel like you are holding back right now and if that’s more settling for your cool but emotions expressed are better even if messy, know even though I harp on about me, I’m here and would love to give back and help you progress as you’ve helped me so much. If I’m becoming a drain then tell me to plug it and I’ll stop posting about myself x

    #367962
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Lucie thank you so much, I’m here to listen to you too. I’m sorry I’m no help with PTSD or attacks but anything else you wish to share I’ll always attempt to answer x

    #368045
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Sammy – God bless you, you are lovely. I appreciate the time you take to read and help regardless of if you have experience. It’s very generous of you.

    From the above post, it reflects how wonderful and generous you are that’s why your ex in laws still value you, there are very few people in this world who care so selflessly. I don’t mean to skim over it but the nausea for me is making it very difficult to focus my thoughts. However, I would like to add that you really do deserve someone who never takes those attributes for granted and reminds you every day how amazing you are. I hope you find resolution and peace.


    @Shelbyville
    once again thank you so much for replying. It made me laugh but I’m definitely not pregnant! The nausea from the anxiety is making things impossible. It sometimes feels like a never ending nightmare. I get a brief break only to have something else crop up to cause havoc.

    Not too sure I’ve ever experienced a double decker bar, is it especially helpful? I am taking St John’s Wort which has helped but the new nausea has become unrelenting! How are you, you ask about everyone but are you okay too?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Lucie.
    #368099
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Lucie You are an incredibly sweet person, sometimes when you are good to others and they fail to see it when you want, it makes you question everything about your own worth but I realise now that it wasn’t all my fault which is why I want something better but it’s all so difficult, I’m trying to work it out in my head but the heart keeps piping up with the fond memories. Hearing a stranger see you for who you are is a very warm feeling. So thank you! I really hope the sickness eases! x


    @Shelbyville
    everything okay with you? Would love to hear from you x

    #368138
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    Holy moley….like…wtf?!! Am I surprised though…hmmm..nope! This is very habitual behaviour apparently in cicurmstances like the ones you and I have found ourselves in with our two exes.

    There could be attachment behaviours going on on his part too, who knows. But at the end of the day, YOU contacted him. He indirectly enquired about you, but he obviously hadn’t enough work done on himself to pick up the phone and make direct contact – in the mode of Tim.

    So he may be having some realisations lately, he maybe experiencing attachment issues but there is not enough there to indicate that he has made real substantial change. He still comes across from what you’ve written as immature or young boy – panicking now a bit for whatever reason. If it’s meant to be and he really demonstrates change and growth and wisdom, I’m sure you will find you way back to each other, but the person he is currently doesn’t seem to be good enough for the wonderful, insightful, strong person you have become. I don’t have contact with my ex now really, except for the odd bday text maybe or New Years wish. The other exes, we just drifted….not ill will, but we weren’t really friends. The ones I’ve stayed friends with…I’ve written previously as to why.

    The family thing must have been so difficult. That was one of the biggest things for me….his parents. They adored me and I them. They were so happy when we reunited. I felt lost without his Mum…..especially when my own mum had passed away, his mum sort of filled that role somewhat. It was heartbreaking, but I genuinely have to say that the attachment I had to them has eased. I still think of them and hope they are well and safe and miss them, but it’s definitely not what it was when things were so intense and upsetting after the initial goodbye. I feel you can get to that place too.

    As for me, the boyfriend is being very sweet and forward about his feelings too. I’m adjusting. It’s a lot to take in and I’m not used to it (from the ex). I really like being with him and find I feel like we’ve been together ages, even though it has been a short time. I’m learning more about him daily and he about me. I worry when I go back to the city for work again, things may change or it’ll be hard again, but I’m hoping we’ll be in a much better place than when I first started the new job.

    Oh speaking on the insanely intense job….sorry for my delayed responses….I barely even get to text back family these days I’m so busy! But anyway today the owner called me up and said the guy to kind of trained me in….not exactly my direct superior…but over most of the company…has resigned and the boss wants me to more or less take over running the company!!!Arghhhhh….you cannot make this stuff up! My head is spinning, but I’m actually taking some annual leave for a couple of days next week so I’m looking forward to tuning out a bit over a long weekend!

    Lucie…my heart goes out to you. I remember going into work in my old job each morning and literally holding one arm over my tummy as I sat at my computer as my tummy would be heaving from the anxiety. I would awake at 5 am (early work shift) and it wouldnt be until after 12noon where I felt I could eat anything. Again, stick to small bits and pieces, even if you feel nausea…because it’s a vicious cycle, an empty stomach will increase anxiety as the stress hormones will be pulsing through it. Any chocolate bar helps give energy, that one was just the one I could stomach at the time…Kinder Bueno also!

    Magnesium is a supplement I take to regulate the nervous system too – I find it helps with sleep and maybe anxiety.

    In healthfood stores in the homeopathy section – there is a natural homeopathic remedy called arsenic album – my therapist recommended it and sometimes it really helps just take that very sharp edge off the anxiety. But again I’m not a medical practitioner or expert on anything like that, so always get legitimate advice from those who know.

     

    #368139
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo – How are you? Hope you’re doing okay…

    #368165
    Sammy
    Participant

    Hi @Shelbyville it’s good to know you’re okay! When you go quiet it’s hard to tell if you are overwhelmed with your anxiety and feeling like I’m draining to reply to /busy with work. I kind of worry because I think I relate to you a lot so have a virtual bond so I worry if you’re doing okay. Maybe I need help? Haha!

    Congratulations!!! That’s a reflection on your skills and talent, if a newbie has been chosen to be boss. Well done! Are you thrilled or just wanting to run because of the added pressure?

    Anyway you have a long weekend off so switch off and enjoy your time with your bf what do you do for downtime? Does it feel good to say that, after all you’ve endured -new BF? You said you wanted someone who spoils you, shows you they think you are the bees knees and doesn’t take you for granted. He’s showing you that, so stop shying away, you deserve it. You have someone here who is telling you they want you, isn’t that what we all want someone who shows us they love us for us, so don’t RUN! Embrace the expression, your ex never said I love you. Everyone deserves to hear that and when someone is feeling it they will not not say it!

    It’s great you feel so comfortable with each other. I’m happy somehow he has done a complete u turn from what we all were thought and I’m happy I was wrong about him!

    There’s no point you worrying about the future. It’s early days so whilst you are lucky to see each day so regularly, do what you enjoy and you’ll gather if he is genuinely what you want out of a relationship.

    Thanks for your views on my ex its so good to get perspective. I still haven’t told my bestie. Trying to own it and appear sensible to my F&F at least.. on here I can be unashamedly honest. That’s the reason I signed up to express the things that need to be outed otherwise what’s the point if you have to censor yourself on anonymously too?

    You made an interesting point about Tim but it’s not about how he needed to contact me first like Tim for it to hold weight. I know I contacted him but I’m not going to reciprocate playing games, I’m not going to think with pride or ego and say because he never contacted me first it’s an automatic dismissal. You know as well as me, feelings are complex things to face and he took a huge step in taking accountabilty and I commend him for that.

    What is a valid point about Tim’s situation and probably why they are successful is that they were never together in the same way and reunited like we did with our exes. You and I have been past that elusive 2nd chance, we gave too many. Also Tim and her both felt something but didn’t enter a fully fledged relationship instead they or should I say his partner did what very confident, clever and wise individuals do, parted way’s at the right time, with unconsumed feelings, before giving into chemistry. Leaving space for if something was to happen it would happen on the right terms, right intentions that emotional bond was never severed in the way ours was. He was smart enough to fix up because he knew she was worth a fight.

    And that is what stops me running away with the idea of a “happy ending”. I have grown up myself, I want better for myself, It’s just too late. Too much has happened, if we were to reunite the afterthought with every touch and sleeping with him would be difficult. That niggling thought, I wasn’t enough despite all we shared, intimacy is huge thing for me and as a woman it’s a gate and once someone has been let through that gate but subsequently left then that bitter feeling of it wasn’t enough or feeling used is hard to shrug off. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

    Speaking of attachment issues I think we definitely ended up with a co dependency of sort. How do I handle this without the extra headache and conflict? His family I’ll always have room for in my heart but not in the same way as before I guess.

    #368166
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hello all,


    @Shelbyville
    , I’m so sorry, I’ve been so rubbish lately! Honestly all of the notifications keep going to my junk inbox so I never know when someone communicates with me – I must find a way to change this!

    I am okay. I am feeling the frustration around this whole virus now. I’m realising that it is putting a hold on so many things I want to do and wasting time I’m never going to get back (or don’t really have). I was meant to go back to the homeland only last week to see mum but couldn’t because of work & quarantine. Little silver lining is she will be coming on the 31st just to chill for two weeks on quarantine, but at least she will be with me – I miss her oh so much!! I miss the freedom of just being able to pop to her for a coffee, even something as small as that. Other than that I feel like I am going through some sort of evolution moment. Manifesting what I want, trying to let the universe guide me to what I need and take the pressure off myself for not having it all figured out. The pressure and anxiety of being ‘behind in life’ is hitting me more and more. So I am trying to just give myself a break.

    How are you? Like really, how are you? What is new please?

    Girls I’m so sorry, my page isn’t loading properly I can’t tell who messaged recently with regards to PTSD, please @ me if you need a chat xx

    #368296
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Shelbyville It has been an exhaustive week, it’s nice to read someone understands. Thank you very much for the homeopathic suggestions. I’ll try both and I hope they help, I will let you know how I get on. I’ve been eating ginger biscuits @Sammy and although the nausea is there still, it is something I can stomach without heaving.


    @Kkasxo
    it’s wonderful to see you online. I was the one asking about PTSD and any help to cope with feeling nauseous from the anxiety.

    I hope you are all doing well. The current pandemic is testing but make the most of what you can. I am trying to concentrate on shifting my focus to realising the things that bring me peace and joy.

    There’s many holidays coming up to enjoy Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. What better time to be with our loved ones and grateful for those who never stop caring no matter how broken we are. Wishing you have happy holidays ahead!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Lucie.
    #368298
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    I got your notification so hopefully that has fixed things and I will now know when you guys tag me in posts!

    Unfortunately, there’s not much advice that I can offer. Nausea and anxiety are generally just bleh. The main thing to do is to target the anxiety and that in turn should eliminate the nausea – if it is indeed linked. Look after yourself, do breathing exercises. Remind yourself that you are not in danger, that it is just your mind playing tricks on you (I know it isn’t easy, something I still battle with often about the most random of things!)

    But it is all a learning curve. Eventually you’ll figure out exactly what works for you. For me it is counting to 10, reminding myself to breathe, trying to be present in the moment rather than letting my mind wander elsewhere and some good guided meditation which you can often find on YouTube, they have some wonderful videos!
    Also, journaling!! It is so underestimated. It is such a good release of thoughts, ideas, feelings and anything else that may need release from your mind to paper!

    I hope this helps x

    #368326
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Kkasxo thank you so much for your input, the anxiety is caused by the trauma from the relationship but the nausea alongside it has just become apparent. I’ll try all your suggestions. I very much appreciate the guidance.

     


    @Shelbyville
    will be ecstatic when she picks up you are back online and active. You two have been a great source of inspiration, guidance and relatable to many since the beginning of this thread. Also happy belated birthday, many happy returns x

    #368341
    Sammy
    Participant

    Ahh @shelbyville are you enjoying your break? I need advice. I don’t know what to do with the ex! It’s his bday on Sun!!!


    @Kkasxo
    so happy to see you posting, I know Shelby will be delighted. I would love any advice on my situation as I recall reading your Mr A started to try woo you back too. What do you suggest based on my above posts?

    I hope you are well. I know that feeling of just wanting to get some certainty to be able to make new plans and put change into motion for the future!! X

    #368363
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Lucie,

    I really do hope it helps. I first hand know Trauma and all of the effects of it, it sucks so bad. But yes, tackle the anxiety and it should hopefully reduce the nausea yet.


    @Sammy
    ,

    I need to really play some catch up on your story, I have read through the most recent post but I guess I haven’t got the background insight. Although my initial non biased, unaware of the situation response – do what feels right for YOU. I am a great believer of doing what your heart, soul, mind feels is best for you at that time. It may not be a great choice for the long run but maybe it is one you needed at that time.
    It’s a strange one you see, for me anyway. Mr A and me are ‘okay’. It has never been the same in all honesty. And somehow the okayness of it all has made me linger in this situation for so long because there isn’t anything wrong per say. But it isn’t love like it used to be either. We feel more like a 50+ year married couple who just kind of put up with one another haha! I used to give myself so much grief about making the choice to reconcile with him. But in hindsight, I realise I was extremely vulnerable, broken, in the worst shape I have ever been in my life. I was traumatised, lost, going through extensive therapy, adjusting to life with all of the effects of PTSD, not eating, not sleeping, not knowing who I am – and he was the only person on the planet who knew, who somewhat understood. I needed him at that time. My soul needed familiarity, needed comfort. So I think sometimes we just need to be a bit easier on ourselves when it comes to these things..

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