Forum Replies Created
August 6, 2020 at 12:43 pm #364001
@Tim, thank you for continuing to motivate me, you give me hope there are some good men out there at least. I have definitely got my self into knots but with some guidance and virtue, I’m hoping to untie them all. I’m tired of everyday feeling like a drag, effectively wishing my life away. I have definitely gone backward and can’t pin down why? I think I need to go back to my roots and seek solace there because during the pandemic the faith kept me going. Yesterday I had a visit from my best friend who you may have read about in my earlier posts. She is very much like yourself, very perceptive and insightful, she has a psychology background and I guess your therapy has made you very clued up too. I think it is admirable that you are trying to help others when your initial post was seeking help about being rusty! I’m glad you stuck around because you have been a great support to me.
I think the buddy idea sounds fab, over the past few days I have reduced my units. I now wait until midday to drink…can I toast to that? Progress?
Tim, I do want the loving long term relationship, I’m aware enough to know that I need time to work on me and getting into casual relationships for me would take me away from working on the issues I am burying and only set me back. For me, it would just be a total waste of time as I want something meaningful. I probably with the issues I have, be a blubbering mess even kissing a new man. I guess with men it is different you tend to do this when hurting so it makes sense why you did even though you regret it
I’ll keep you posted on, by the way, I have noticed I have been making digs at men, you are outnumbered on here but I want to say I am grateful for you perspective! Sorry if you get caught in the broad strokes!
@shelbyville,Wow! I mean with all that going on I’m shocked your head didn’t explode. You made it through!! You sound so positive now, that is so encouraging. I think you have begun to progress towards feeling more fulfilled. I don’t believe in happy endings anymore either, stupid fairytales! I’m sorry for adding any pressure, I guess in a way it is pinning hope, if this person who is so great and suffered so much, gets back up and starts to see the light then I can too. I was looking to you for inspiration, a bit selfish to want you to hurry to a good place. Tim is right, it is your journey.
Did you always suffer anxiety or was it a result of the ex?
Shelby, you are already showing so much more resilience, after coming across your ex on the app considering he claimed to be happier alone, you appear to have handled it well, you didn’t act out of desperation and beg or even confront him. I would be tempted to do that in your circumstances. Tim, I would have screamed your inner voice too! I don’t think seeing my ex with someone new would hurt though, I kind of feel he probably already is. He is a man, they are so thirsty! Sorry TIM! What would hurt is if he committed/proposed to someone, I hope I’m not still in this mess if/when that happens!
Shelby thinking back the way you would describe him and how he made you feel like the ground you walk on was golden etc gave us all pangs of jealousy and I remember thinking you were lucky to connect and someone makes you feel that way, you yourself described it as incredible. So yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if you caught feelings, I also recall you wanted from him things you wouldn’t expect of a friend but more of a bf, do you think Tim’s observation may have legs? You may be acting out of fear because of the way you described this friend to us he didn’t sound like a flaky person. Flaky is my ex telling me he is going to meet me after work for a date night I took weeks organizing and then him going to watch the footie with his mates, not bothering to call or text me. Yet I thought he would change?! I feel so pathetic sometimes!
You asked me for reasons you think he decided I was not good enough;
I guess I will never know, but I tried in every way I could to make him happy but it never was enough. Over the years it wore me down, when he would disappoint me in a substantial way like not turning up for our date night or forgetting to buy me a gift for my birthday/spoiling me like my friend’s significant others would, this made me feel shit when others would call him out, by the end I was making excuses, justifying his behavior and accepting that because I thought that was all I was worth. Maybe he thought I was boring, maybe he lost attraction or I wasn’t smart enough, I just felt despite giving all of me he still didn’t love me enough to commit. So now I feel unlovable. I feel like everything I did over the course of time we were together he chose the odd moments where I wasn’t there for him in the exact way he needed and then made a decision that impacted the whole of our lives, how is that fair when I was so selfless with him? My friend said he was someone who refused to fully accept me because it was easier to make me think something was wrong with me than it is was for him to be vulnerable and human and open to the idea of being hurt if he gave his all too. This makes sense but doesn’t change how I feel about myself, I sometimes cry about how I allowed myself to be treated, which makes me feel even more worthless. It is just a shitty cycle and I desire to be hugged and made to feel loved, alive and it is such a strong feeling I end up drinking more to quell that loneliness.
So that is where I’m at :((August 1, 2020 at 9:22 am #363456
@Tim Reading your reply made me cry, you along with @shelbyville are both so intuitive. I had been feeling like recently I had gone backwards in my progress as when the pandemic began my break up was so miniscule in relation to the worlds that I was able to find solace. So this sudden change of feelings I have found hard and confusing. Having to then keep that a secret from family and friends as they thought I was doing great has been exhausting and alienating.
I don’t know if it’s just feeling low from heartache or I may be suffering from depression. But I will book a check up as I’m overwhelmed and I certainly don’t want to end up an addict. Thank you for not sugar coating the facts even if it was hard for me to acknowledge.
Tim, I’m also sorry for even insinuating you are settling in your new relationship. I find I get jealous not in a horrible way but I want to be where you are, on the other side happy and loved. I do feel unloved because if you think about it I gave 100% to my ex but I was not good enough. He gave me much less and I accepted him. It hurts in its own way. I don’t know if the ego is bruised or I lacked so much self love that I thought this was all I deserved?
I am loved but I want that one person who understands me, is mine, I can turn to whether I’m in a joyous or pissy mood. Someone like you described that makes you feel special too.
Shelby, You are so right, my ex was a big part of my life, many of my firsts and adulting was with him. One day he moved in and 3.5 years later I would have expected to have a baby, a forever home, wedding. Was I wrong to have this expectation? None of that came. So it hurts in so many ways. Why didn’t I chose better for myself? The signs were there. Why was I not enough? Was it all lies and he just coasted passively enjoying the warm body and having me there doing everything, spoiling him until he was eventually going to find something better and leave? I feel like if I didn’t push for more he would have carried on enjoying all the benefits until he came across his one because I clearly wasn’t as his actions in the end showed time and time I was not a priority. I feel hurt for being a fool. I feel hurt I love him so much that 4.5 months on and after he broke up with me so many times citing the same reasons, I still if he came back at this point give it consideration. Although I don’t want that, the time I invested seems like such a waste. My head feels like scrambled eggs. I then cry just wanting someone to tell me they love me, I want to be able to sleep next to someone knowing he wants me. Am i just lonely?
How and where are you at in your stage of your journey? Some of my friends are suggesting I go on some casual dates but I don’t want that. I want to fast forward to the part when I’m with someone I feel loved and secure with. Someone if I get too merry after a girl’s night, will hold my hair back while I puke and tells me in my worst state he thinks I’m amazing. I want to be seen. I want someone to say it and mean it and show it.
It’s a Sat evening and I have so many friends and family but I feel so alone. When does it get better? You mentioned you still haven’t got your “shit together” in what way (but then again you have been very self degrading in your previous posts before your break) ?July 28, 2020 at 7:29 pm #363071
Shall I make another thread so I don’t interrupt yours and @kkasxo communication? I’d still like your input /thoughts though Shelby, you helped calm me in the beginning days.
I find myself reaching for the bottle as comfort more and more, it soothes the emptiness at least when I’m merry there are moments of happiness or maybe ignorance but the cold reality of the situation hits after I get sober and the cycle repeats. I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel so lost. My friends and family think I’m doing amazingly well. The mask is working but remove it and I’m a mess.
It’s been 4.5 months since the last and final break up. I made a pro/con list like you suggested and the encouraging thing was there were definitely more cons. Whereas just thinking about it in my head I tended to focus more on the positive memories. The more I wrote the more I felt the view change to stark facts and not the rose view I had clung to. Writing it with a clear honest mind I see beyond our physical connection and the comforts/familiarity we definitely were not the right fit as you said. I was disappointed time and time again, he was a shit communicator, selfish, emotionally immature/ low Emotional intelligence, I wanted him to be the father of my children but he couldn’t even commit or handle the responsibility of adjusting for the both of us, I even wrote down his grooming habits which peeved me off like using my shaving blade for his privates!! Yet I was so blinded that I had convinced myself he was going to propose but instead he dumped me once more! Definition of FOOL = ME!!
There have been more days of when im not holding onto hope of a reunion anymore, I acknowledge if we did reunite it would be for validation and to try and play out the idealisation I had of him in my head. When that person doesn’t exist. So i find I’m the opposite I have no hope for the future. I’m scared I’ll never find someone. What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship? I’ve never been in it and this experience seems to have scarred me. I feel like I’ll never get to experience that so thoughts of going back to what I had creep in it’s better than nothing? I don’t know. I don’t know. I go from one extreme to the next. When does it become better? Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?
I don’t know maybe I’m just rambling nonsense and I need to pull myself together and get a grip!July 27, 2020 at 1:56 pm #362904
@shelbyville thank you, thank you, thank you! It is so nice to hear from you and I know you said no one’s to blame but I’m definitely sorry if the newbies overtook a safe space for you. Please continue to post, or tell us to shoo! I know when @Kkasxo picks up the notification she will be even more overjoyed. At least something positive has happened.
How are you? Has the time away been good to you? My anxiety has settled a little because after @Kkasxo heartfelt message i was overcome with sadness. You have helped a lot of people on this thread so i hope we can continue to help you.
@Tim tomorrow is my day off I will reply properly to your initial message. Thank you for your help so far especially in tagging. Maybe it’s the man’s touch that was required!! XJuly 22, 2020 at 6:56 pm #362427
@Kkasxo my heart felt heavy reading your message. When I came back onto this thread I too had hoped @shelbyville was back because I really connected with her story and advice too. I’m so sorry as I feel some how responsible for being the catalyst to the fallout. I would love to connect with you if you need someone to talk to and we can keep tagging Shelby to hopefully make her return. @Tim has been giving me advice on here but I can shift onto another thread if you want instead.
I know you both had a special connection all i can do to try and rectify my mistake is keep tagging and hope she comes back.
@kkasxo I’m really sorry 🙁
@Tim thanks, I’ll reply properly soon but feel really bad at the moment.July 17, 2020 at 11:54 am #361952
Wow, my insobriety was obvious through posts. How far I have fallen!
I assure you today so far I’m 100% sober. Thank you for the advice, I don’t want to give it up entirely. I enjoy the social aspect of it and I’m young but I don’t want to make it a crutch. Luckily my friends and crowd are a lot more mature than me so they’ve been encouraging me to ditch the booze too. Interestingly my best friend said to me therapy is a worthwhile avenue she was saying “Sammy, what were you missing in your life to not be able to let go of someone who doesn’t even deserve you and actually would disappoint you again and again. In the end he walked away and you still thought it should be retrieved” Hearing that was hard but she’s right I need to identify what I was missing within myself to not realise sooner and walk away. Sometimes I think was I just blinded by love? Should I be so concerned in finding out the intricacies of it all. I don’t know.
Well done on you to overcome the addictions must have taken a lot of strength and courage because of you using alcohol especially for intimacy. That’s a huge hurdle to overcome! What made you want to seek a relationship again? You know not many men do the work on themselves, that is very admirable. It is why you were able to become emotionally available again and open to rejection. I don’t think I’m there yet but your current partner obviously saw that potential and strength in you so your lucky! Don’t be a jackass and mess the second chance up. I hope it goes well, you deserve a break after reading your background.
You’re right I’m in a rush to just come out the other side without working through all the emotions. The tiredness or becoming weary you described in earlier posts is starting to hit im tired of constantly feeling unhappy and down on myself for my choices. I’ve signed up for a online course to work on some skills related to my job which will hopefully make me a stronger candidate for promotion. It will be a welcome goal and distraction.
The whole emotional intelligence thing really spoke to me. My ex was a nightmare to communicate with. I’d never want that in a serious relationship again. Recipe for disaster if your partner can’t even communicate!! He couldn’t understand (or didn’t want to) how things affected me. After the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship, looking back i realise he was very selfish, at first I had him on such a pedestal but I see that now everything was on his selfish terms. When we had date night, future plans would only be discussed if he wanted to, I would organise things, our relationship never progressed even though we lived together. He was happy with minimal effort and responsibility. So why was I so desperate to retrieve this relationship every time we split. Why?July 12, 2020 at 12:21 pm #361487
Cheers Tim, I’ll toast to those small victories 😉
Not quite an alcoholic yet but I’m definitely drinking more than I use to. Any tips from a former AA member? I don’t want another addiction. The relationship itself was an addiction in itself!
In a sense the rose glazed glasses came off quite quickly they shattered as he pulled the rug from under me and I landed flat on my face for another time, I thought he was going to propose but instead he called time. I’m strong enough to know I don’t want that for myself anymore. Is that self love or ego protecting me?
It’s just the void, the emptiness, the thought of forever being alone. That thought makes me think he was better than he was. Then again you can’t easily erase love if you loved the person wholly. I miss it. I miss him. When i feel like that , the thoughts make me ignore how much he wasn’t what I needed and make me long for him. I think I’m just desperately lonely and covid 19 lockdown hasn’t helped. My friend and family tried their best being isolated during a heartbreak was tough. You can’t watch movies or paint the town red with your girls etc.
I don’t feel ready for a full on relationship again and although I’m not the most religious, I don’t go for casual flings anymore. So you are right unless I can be fully vulnerable, it would be selfish to pursue a relationship and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel pain like myself when I can’t meet their needs as I still need to recover to become fully open. That’s just wrong way to recover. No offense to you Tim! Then again what you did can’t have been as bad as you think, you’re all still acquainted and you’re in a relationship with one. Don’t be so critical.
Maybe i should take baby steps, I’m so worried about the impact, at the pub a man playfully flirted with me and usually I would be confident enough to flirt back but I felt for even that I needed few more drinks, I feel like no one will want someone with baggage, fears of intimacy and impact on future relationships, do you think I may need therapy?July 8, 2020 at 2:07 pm #361057
Thanks Tim for taking out the time. Your experience putting it midly, sucked! Reading you overcame and are stronger is helpful though. Also good to read you are in a better relationship, you’ve done the work on yourself and deserve to be in a relationship where you are made to feel secure and loved.
You are absolutely right, my self esteem has been shattered. It happened somewhere during our relationship as I fell hopelessly in love and became blind to the facts. I’m trying to regain my confidence and belief in myself back. I feel I have done well but this month and things returning to normal after the covid -19 lockdown was a bit overwhelming, what do I do? Where do I go next?
It was very hard on the anniversary date, moreso because I think about all the time I had wasted or poured into trying to make that relationship work when i could have avoided it as all the signs that it was not right for me were there. Thank you for the alcohol advice, i had a one drink at the pub but the lack of social distancing was enough to make me turn away and head home. As I walked, I was tempted to buy a bottle but self control kicked in. I cried and then cried some more but it was good to let it out as I hadn’t cried since the initial week of the breakup.
I’m actually grateful in a sense that I’m not trying to cling to hope that he will have an awakening and we will get our happy ever after. I think the reality of the situation has sunk in. I could keep trying and he may even come back but he never fully chose me, even if he did by some miracle have an epiphany given the number of times he disappointed me, the thought would always be there, he could leave at anytime when things got crap. Throughout the years, even though we discussed our future, had a great physical connection and enjoyed each other’s company, it wasn’t enough he never took the responsibility of being in a relationship seriously and adapted to thinking for two. He never did the work to want to go into deeper territory. So he was selfish. However I still miss him, every morning not waking up to his leg over me. The coffee next to my bedside table. Him leaving the seat up in the loo etc. Those things became my normal.
I lost not only him but myself, he was such a big part of my daily life having lived together I feel like I’ve forgotten who I was before him. I have blocked him completely but even then no attempt was made by him on our anniversary date so that stung. This person I dedicated so much of myself didn’t take the leap and love me enough to fight for me, he is carrying on.
So despite it being hard I have reached a small victory, I finally had enough control to say no more I will not contact him even if i miss him. The onus to reach out was on him as he was the one who rejected or failed to accept and love me for who I am. He clearly doesn’t so I have recovered enough self worth to not be desperate to run back to an unfulfilled relationship.
I just don’t know how to move forward. I fear how this will affect my future relationships. I fear I’ll never be in a relationship again. I fear the intimacy. I fear living my life as an old loner with nothing.July 3, 2020 at 12:08 pm #360397
@Adelaide1 it is nice to hear from someone familiar, you have done so well to push through the associated emotions of back to back significant dates. That intoxicating feeling you mentioned is what makes it so difficult. That high is so addictive. I wish you speedy healing from the heartache. You seem so in control of your emotions and more rational, you should be incredibly chuffed with your progress. Keep pushing through and it will pass with time like you said.
Tomorrow is what would have been our 5 year anniversary, I thought I had convinced myself of never going there again but I find myself tempted to contact him even if it’s for a brief fling. I feel lost. I have started to drink again, I’m worried with pubs opening and tomorrow being our anniversary I will sink back. Do these dates carry significance for men? Do men miss women in the same way? How did you move on?June 26, 2020 at 11:04 am #359623
@Genie it was so lovely to hear from you. Thank you for the advice, I’m trying to stay motivated. It is incredibly tough. Your story has given me a lift to read and it’s wonderful you are doing so well now. I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to write back to me. I hope things with your partner and family continue to move in a positive direction. I was hoping to hear from the rest too especially @shelbyville because her experience really spoke to me, but I suspect I’ll never know how their stories ended. I was also going to post on your thread after reading @Adelaide1 and @michelle responses, they both were so insightful. However they too have not logged in for a while! Where and how are you all?
@Tim your contribution, I really sympathise with your experience and would love to engage, especially because it’s a male perspective. I went through something very similar with my ex, I thought towards the end he was going to finally propose. Little did I know the rug was going to pulled out from under me making me crash hard!June 19, 2020 at 4:15 pm #359003
Thanks anita, I may just do that.June 18, 2020 at 10:15 am #358859
Just going to do a quick recap, don’t want to rehash the past on a new thread. So a few days before lockdown began, my ex ended it after 4 years together. We had been on/off several times hitting the same wall..no commitment from his end. The fear of it ending was always there but it still hit me hard and I turned to drink. This thread and my best friend turned it around and I began to see things differently and as a blessing. I just feel now life is beginning to return to normal, I feel very hollow and tempted to hit the bottle again as I don’t know which direction my life is going, I sense a loss of control. It is also approaching our 5th anniversary and I’m scared I will fall backwards because it is always easier to go back then to accept/let go, but I don’t want to be sucked into that again. It was not the right relationship for me. What do I do next? I feel a little lost.
I’m hoping anyone will reply just so I don’t feel so confused.June 12, 2020 at 10:29 am #358386
I was hoping to find you all made up and reposting on here after some space.
I really liked the contributors on this thread so thought I’d message and see if I can get anyone to help me as I feel I may be going a bit backwards and feeling lost.
Before I blurt it all out, I’ll wait for a response.April 8, 2020 at 6:36 am #348256
All I can say is I’m sorry, I feel my words were a catalyst for you both withdrawing. I do agree the general principle points of there being underlying avoidance but the main thing I can agree with @genie is that this is your thread @shelbyville. If we have made you feel uncomfortable and you have lost a safe place to rant or vent then that’s not fair.
I know I have grit and excellent support to guide me irl outside of this thread so I’m more than happy to stop posting in this thread. I feel @shelbyville it’s been a source of steadiness amongst the chaos of your life so you deserve to have that with people you resonate with.
Don’t feel aggrieved I do think everyone on this thread had very well made points and it’s natural to want to read a happy ending for the original character in a book. So much latch on to that they forget each person requires their own time. Just reflect and enjoy your own thread without us newbies overwhelming you. Please do not withdraw, everyone needs help in life so vent and rant without feeling judged.
I wish you all a hopefully wonderful remaining 2020 and wonderful futures xApril 7, 2020 at 11:30 am #348138
Aww thank you @shelbyville that has given a little further boost in my self confidence. I think you have the same courage though to create such a space and help others even whilst hurting.
Woot woot no more self isolation! Funny how little things like freedom to use your own home etc we have more gratitude for. This crisis is enlightening. Let’s us know your results.
Do you want my honest perspective about your situation? I don’t want to blurt it all out if you don’t want to hear it. I just want to make small suggestions as I feel our situations may have been similar.. up to you so tell me if your open to hearing it.