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Sammy

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  • #379870
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys love will always require a degree of risk. That is why you have to learn to be okay with being vulnerable. If we stay closed off to protect ourselves we will never allow real love to flood us. When you have enough self love or esteem alongside vulnerability, and for some reason it doesn’t work out, you should love yourself enough to not let it change who you are and impact you in a negative way for long.

    We can use our past experiences as lessons to not take certain actions or spot red flags and we also need to be in the moment that we don’t completely self sabotage. There’s a very fine balance needed. It’s not good to be an extreme of either. Too in the moment makes you impulsive and unaware of the consequences of your actions. Too living in the past makes you miss out on what you deserve and the baggage weighs you down.
    Initial thoughts were he like majority of men during pandemic was bored and lacked stimulation so had no intention to meet. But he made an effort to meet you so you have to give him some credit.

    However if this guy is consistently tardy or letting you down with communication and that’s giving you anxiety just call it quits and tell him that. BUT even if he was playing games you can CHOOSE to be mature about it, don’t be hypocritical and choose to ignore addressing him because that very same thing hurts you, so don’t do it to others.

    Just communicate and say these are my needs , you make me feel x and I feel my needs are better met elsewhere. The way a person behaves in conflict situation is actually a mark of their character, how emotionally stable and mature they are.

    It’s fine if after dipping your toes in the pool for the first time, it didn’t work out. Just keep learning from it and growing. It will happen when it is meant to.

    Don’t fall into the trap of needing to play power games to get someone. Love is not meant to be like this. Just be YOU and if someone doesn’t understand or accept you as a person it is their loss. Don’t go into any relationship with FEARS it will cloud your judgement.

    @Jay2023

    I’m glad to hear from you. I thought as much after reading your last post and that is why i was concerned.

    You are going into your shell but you need to keep channels of communication open even if it feels challenging. Because whether you have a diagnosis of clinical depression or not – isolation is dangerous it will cause a spiral of negative thinking.

    Feeling ashamed, feeling shit about yourself is not needed.

    You need to take action Jay, you need to not just mask over things with distractions. You need to really connect and engage with people who really care about you and haven’t given up and want to listen openly, so don’t push them away. We always end up pushing away the ones who want the best for us instead of taking them up on their offer to be there.

    If they didn’t care they wouldn’t bother. So no matter how conflicted your emotions are don’t just sit their passively waiting for them to wash over you, you have to confront them too. If you’re feeling confused talk it out and talk it out some more. Ignoring something will never make it go away. It will just brew inside you leading to anxiety and one day explode into other health problems.

    The urge to back away, to shut off and isolate is expected. But this isolation, in turn, only feeds depression and makes it worse.


    @Dannydan
    and I will support you but having irl support is very important too. Just like when I was drinking @Shelbyville and @Tim1 were a godsend but i needed people irl to back it up too.

    Do you have people who care and want you to be happy to whom you can share how you really feel, be open and not feel judged? Because it’s time to swallow the pride, the negative self critic or view needs to be hushed. So accept the help if you really want to improve your happiness. Life will put people in our lives for reason You don’t have to just survive you can thrive from all this.

    Why have you gone into your shell? What are the confused feelings Jay? What is your inner critic having you believe?

    Do get back to us, as hard as it may be. I try not to get frustrated by you opening up and shutting down because I understand there’s an internal battle happening but people care about you Jay, you can overcome this by accepting the hands reaching out. In the end it is your choice x

    #379769
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys can you tag me with @Sammy1 if you need advice because I’d hate to miss your post and leave you waiting if I don’t pop on myself.

     

    Well I think overall you should do what you feel is needed for yourself, if he is causing you harm to your mental health then obviously don’t put yourself in that situation.

    I am a very flexible person in general so my boundaries would be different to most. I like to see things with empathy before drawing a conclusion.

    If you enjoyed his company and he was otherwise courteous you should give him a chance, sometimes like I said to @Dannydan our FEARS can make us self sabotage and we end up giving up too soon. If with a chance he continued this tardy behaviour then obviously leave it there, the thing to remember is you’re still getting to know each other if he doesn’t instinctively have the thought to call then you can only communicate that is something you need rather than instantly expect it. If he is really interested and invested he will take that on board and adjust his behaviour. If he doesn’t then you know he can’t meet your needs so you stop. Hope this helps you Rhaenys.

    Well done on your journey so far!

     

     

    #379735
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan you don’t have to keep thanking me!

    I may have given you the directions but it is YOU who took the right steps for yourself. Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others. So well done 👏  You are not a coward, you’re able to face up to the consequences of your action so take from that and continue your growth.

    Let me know what therapy is like. Something I couldn’t bring myself to do lol

    Just like for men you feel you need purpose and to be the providers and protectors . As a female we attach too early, it’s something we are naturally wired to do.

    I also happen to innately care deeply for those I become invested in, that is why I get worried when you or @Jay2023 go silent. It’s instinctive. However I’m learning and growing too. So if you boys don’t respond i know TRY to see it as a reflection of YOU and nothing about me not being helpful or supportive enough lol.

    You and ‘B’ are great for each other, I’m so glad you feel you can be yourself now. Those lads really added nothing to your growth, so good for you in breaking away from negative influences. Be proud and I’m sure ‘B’ and her friends and yourself all felt good supporting and being a voice for the oppressed. It’s such a desperately sad situation. My bf being a medic is often upset by the crisis and humanity too. I love his expressiveness and ability to share these emotions so I’m sure ‘B’ appreciates your softer side.

    Also just to add a slow burn is WAYYYY more likely to create lasting warmth and love.

    If I had chased the sparks again, I’d not have given my bf a chance. I’d have lost out on the best relationship by far.

    People chasing instant sparks and wanting to jump each others bones are wanting some sort of Disney love lol. They give up too easily on what could be a lasting connection looking for sparks. Because at the end of it all you want to have someone by your side who will be your biggest champion. To find this type of relationship you want someone you are at least a bit sexually attracted to, who makes you laugh, enjoy their company and click with. Then build the romantic attraction which comes with mutual respect, affection and loyalty. Unfortunately most of us have to learn this the hard way by dating idiots and being hurt and going on an endless search for the sparks or bust!!!!

    Let the wave of productivity thrust you forward after a heavy period you are doing great!

    #379685
    Sammy
    Participant

     

    @Dannydan

    Yessssss Danny! Fear is such a powerful emotion it can make us believe things that don’t even exist! 

    The key is to just communicate effectively and listen to each other. Never ASSUME anything without concrete proof, it is better to check. Assuming what the other person is thinking or doing based on your own thoughts is the termite of relationships. This behaviour is learned. So can be unlearned with focus. 

    E.g:
    [  ] You don’t hear from someone so assume they don’t care – but that person may be unwell, overwhelmed , busy with a work project etc. Unless you know something for sure don’t assume.
    [  ] Someone doesn’t understand your choice or you don’t get the promotion, so you assume they don’t love you or you’re bad at what you do etc 

    Assumptions leave people feeling misunderstood also creating a negative spiral of thought for yourself. 

    The more you know what you are assuming, the more power you have to change what you are assuming into perspectives that open, rather than close, possibilities for you and your life. So open up your ability to communicate even if scared, so you can love from that place of wholeness that you are capable of! 

    So proud of you Danny for not giving up on working on this. You will make a wonderful life partner and she already sees all this, you need to too! 

    She’s a very lucky woman to have you too. You two numpties needed that space and argument. I think it made you realise what needs to be worked on. Sometimes when you’re in that loved up bubble, you lose sight and can become comfortable. Every now and again a prod is needed to make us appreciate a person who is so supportive more. 

    Wow. The house thing is giving me goosebumps. I really don’t know how she’s going to react. It really could swing either way but that makes it all the more exciting. Remember don’t have expectations just listen and accept the outcome. The love you share is always more important than any other variable. 

    Thank you for getting back to me and giving me an update. Stay in touch, I’m rooting for you! 

    @Jay2023 again don’t know what’s happening in your life. But give us an update when you can, hope you are good. We are here for you if you need x

    #379575
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Pushhpak thanks for your post. Not sure who it was addressing but applicable to us all!

     

    Boys @Dannydan and @Jay2023 hadn’t received any notifications so logged in today but seems you are both AWOL . Are you both doing okay? Just busy I hope and not stressed! Do let me know how you are and if you need any further help.

     

    #379337
    Sammy
    Participant

    Oh @Dannydan I forgot to add that the decision whether you tell her or not about how the snidy comments have made you feel is yours. I’m not fully aware of what she is going through so if it will make her stress more than you need to be strong enough to not be affected if it happens again. At some point you should discuss it. Maybe you should write a letter seal it up and tell her you want her to only open it after the wedding. That way she knows you wanted to tell her but didn’t for the reasons you’ve stated. I don’t know how deep it is. So hard to advise. I don’t want you to open up on here if you have promised her not to.

    #379336
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys you’ve come such a long way. Well done you! You’re learning self love because you’re setting boundaries and doing things that make YOU feel good not over extending to appease others. Don’t go to far the other way as I always say. I ended up becoming a little bitter, obstinate for a while and just cut everyone off, you need to keep that compassion you have and just set better boundaries. Going to sound like a broken record but it pays to never burn bridges.
    Glad that tinder match hasn’t hampered you in anyway. Chalk it up as experience. No body i mean no body should make you feel depressed!

    If that’s happening it’s time to take back the reigns and practice self love!

    Good luck on this journey, with patience you’ll realise solitude is not the same as loneliness. You will realise you want people who uplift you, add to your happiness and you’re capable of being happy alone. Whatever is meant to be will reach you.


    @Dannydan

    Aww thank you. I’m in a good place so happy to help you. I would let you and @Jay2023 know if I felt otherwise so don’t worry.

    It’s okay to feel fear of the unknown. But it’s not okay to let that feeling rule you. Shrinking the fears can only be done by confronting them and not running. Being proactive in action!

    So some hard truths now. Yes you’re right you could get married and end up divorced. Look at Bill Gates and Melinda. You could lose her to illness. You could be cheated on. There are so many hypotheticals.

    But if you’re AFRAID TO LOSE HER you’re not really loving her from wholeness. Think about it, you’re not giving her authentic no strings attached love which is unconditional love. You are saying I’m so afraid of losing you. Instead of I love you, and I’m confident in my love for you.
    So definitely need to get a tight grip on the remaining fear so you can submit to the loving her from a place of wholeness. You’re almost there, tell yourself that YOU not being the man you’re capable of is more important than fear of losing her. By working on bettering yourself it will improve your self esteem and act from place of confidence!

    I don’t know what @Jay2023 thinks but the house idea I’m not sure. First of all is it your money being used to purchase or both? If it is both of you contributing then don’t do it! I’d want a say in where my money goes. That would be very wrong to do without consulting her Lol

    If it’s all yours and you want to gift the home then wow! That’s a big gesture I mean if my fiancé did that I would be very touched, but you just need to make sure it’s somewhere she would want and appreciate. It needs to feel homely and have the right vibe. Maybe you could go for a viewing together,  not comment much and gauge her reaction. If she’s keen then you act uninterested and then surprise her. It’s such a big purchase that you can’t really undo. So tread carefully and go with your heart.

    I think you’re really stepping up for her and I’m so glad her giving nature is rubbing off on you. That’s how it should be you inspire each other to be better. I’m so proud of you Danny for really working on things. It’s not easy I know but it will make your love stronger.

    Slightly jealous of these weekly flowers and doughnuts too! But B deserves it! You’ll definitely be in the good books and in for treats of your own very soon 😉


    @Jay2023
    darl I hope you’re okay, sending big bear hugs! Just tag me when you need me x

    #379323
    Sammy
    Participant

    Oh @Jay2023, it’s okay to admit you feel down again.

    What worries me is how frequently your mood swings, have you had a diagnosis of clinical depression? I know you’re on medication but was that for anxiety? It may be time to see the doctor and have a few health checks if you haven’t already done so, to determine if there’s a hormonal imbalance,  thyroid or any other medical issue that may be causing these extreme mood fluctuations. Do you keep a mood journal? That may help spot triggers. Have you been sleeping properly over last few days?

    Really hoping your therapy comes through for you ASAP! In the meantime, you’re not alone,  you need to remember that. If it is of any value Danny and I care and want you to be happy.

    What may have happened is you communicated with someone new because you are very LONELY. It gave you that temporary boost of confidence but you’re not ready internally to give and be vulnerable to someone new. So the feeling wore off and unfortunately that doesn’t stop that craving and missing the feelings of being in a relationship; holding hands, cuddles, having that one person to talk to daily. You see couples and it causes you pain, you want to be in love. So your spiral begins again. You associate all those love feelings you want with her because she was the last one you were with, but the reality is and your rational side tries to understand you deserve a woman who WANTS you, who CARES about you and SPOILS and CHOOSES you!

    You’re suffering withdrawal from the highs of those feelings rather than her as a person imo. You kind of said it yourself ” I still terribly miss all the good parts and those feelings”

    It would be understandable to keep going in circles if she was a ‘B’ kind of person who supported you, cared etc. and you messed it up. I’d actually probably encourage you to put pride aside and reconnect. But honestly Jay you didn’t lose anything here. She lost out. Trust me, you will feel those romantic feelings again and with the right person they will be even more potent.

    I’m going to ask you a simple question; What do you want? Answer it instinctively.

    Also don’t be so hard on yourself for your search of her number, we all do things like that in throes of heartbreak. Did you see her picture and did it make you feel better?  Let’s not forget the bigger picture your ability to love so unconditionally. You care still and that is precious. With the right one it will be beautiful like what Danny and his fiancé have. A love that withstands the tests and keeps growing! You deserve that x

    Can you tag me because I don’t want to miss your posts x

    #379320
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys

    Self esteem or confidence that’s determined by the opinions of others is precarious; it can just as easily be given to us as it is taken away. So I am glad you both are not looking to fill voids and that you don’t need to resort to those measures to feel confident within yourself. It’s a step forward in self loving and healing.

    Besides the fact that in the long run using apps for validation can make you feel worse, you might also be leading people on.
    If you are going on with lingering vibes from your last relationship without healing first. You can’t fully commit to another person and be capable of having a healthy relationship.

    To avoid being hurt ot hurting others, only chat with people you’re on the same page with i.e. both happy with a casual encounter etc or with someone you’re genuinely interested in and you can avoid deceiving them.

    Rhaenys you found out the hard way that you were just being led on. Sorry you had to go through that. If he was genuinely interested in building on the connection he would meet you and be equally invested. Danny is right, most people especially men have been bored and lacking that stimulation so are using people. Don’t take it further, he had his chance and showed his colours. You deserve more than to be strung along for months. Time is valuable. Maybe try a different app when you are ready for something serious, some like Tinder you’re more likely to find those in search of casual encounters and there’s a higher percentage of finding the wrong uns.

    I believe when you and @Jay2023 really have found yourselves within. Something will present itself naturally. Look at me, my besties bro had been on the fringe all along, I never saw him as a romantic interest but then one day it all just fell into place. He adds to my happiness and finally my needs are being met. It took pain and struggle to figure out what those needs were and who I was. So keep believing. Oh @Jay2023 I remember you saying it’s your exes birthday in May too, how do you feel about that now?


    @Dannydan

    I’m in a very good place right now after a very long time. The on/off nature of my last relationship naturally led to an addiction to him but like any addiction it ravaged my soul, confidence, body and mind. So was a hard road but to have a man who just steps up, spoils me, is expressive has been beautiful to experience. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself because it is still the honeymoon phase and I don’t want to have expectations and then be disappointed but at @Jay2023 personalised idea really did cement our relationship, I can if i allow myself see a long term future. Oh and of course I did what you suggested at the end of the message trail 😉 which also went down a storm! Alot of barriers were let down last weekend and I feel great !

    Awww thanks, I know what you mean, when you just connect with someone, you do develop an affection for them even if they are a stranger. You feel understood and seen, not so alien! I’m glad you found that in me. I’m really touched and like I said I’m rooting for you and ‘B’ it’s a really heartwarming tale and I’m looking forward to you two beginning the married life chapter.

    I think it’s fairly obvious physical touch is up there for both of you 😉 maybe acts of service is another one for her? Maybe ‘B’ needs you to do that more to feel appreciated. Eg. instead of her chasing up a wedding query you do it on your own accord to make her see this is an equal partnership and she’s appreciated. Us women want you to WANT do it yourself not tell you what we want! Lol

    Oh Danny you will hate me but didn’t you just promise ‘B’, you wouldn’t keep things from each other even if it’s to protect one another and instead would deal with them together?

    Maybe you should tell her what’s happened, she will have a better understanding on what’s caused some of the resistance around the wedding events (other than you being a typical man🤦🏼‍♀️).

    I have friends who are in interracial marriages and experienced something similar it is difficult navigating but they’ve always had each others back.

    It is actually so selfless of you to not voice your hurt because you know she’s a family girl and you don’t want to cause any internal conflict for her so are putting her first. It makes sense now why your insecurities have surfaced again! But she seems to be very sensitive and perceptive, hence detected possible resentment so explaining things to give her will give her a clearer picture and do you both good. You don’t have to play victim, just express how it made you feel. Also you must remember not everyone will like you but she LOVES you and CHOSE to spend the rest of her life with you. That’s all that matters.

    You are good to her, you have a bond with her immediate family. She will value that and she will have your back. I think she already does that’s why she said I feel pulled in all directions. You just need to reassure her too she’s your first priority. I think that’s all she needs to hear.

    #379274
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan @Jay2023 @Rhaenys

    There’s a lot of posts for me to catch up on but I will get back to you ASAP. Just have a deadline to meet! I hope you’re all doing okay x

    #379231
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan that’s karma for mocking those ladies literary efforts and feelings. I kid! Lol. Writing is very therapeutic for some especially women and it indicates they are engaged in conversation but like everything there needs to be a balance!

    So much can be misconstrued in written text without tone and body cues. Nothing beats a good old fashioned heart to heart in person.

    I want to say I’m here for you and @Jay2023 (I got invested in your boys journeys ☺) and sorry if it seems I’m distancing myself or slowly fading out. It’s not that it is just difficult to tell if you boys want me to continue conversation or just reply when toy need only. It’s no fun taking time out to put a post together and it’s not what you needed. So that’s why I said it would be easier to just message me and tag me so I’m not looking out for updates and I’m not annoying you or @Jay2023.

    Anyway, Oh Danny, that sounds like a very emotional reunion. Sometimes following the arbitrary rules is needed and sometimes there’s a time to do what is instinctive.

    I think after the events of Monday you instinctively knew that leaving it longer was not in either of your best interests or what she really needed. That proves you do know her better than you give yourself credit for. You also recognised he behaviour was out of character so although you made mistakes don’t be so self deprecating.

    I think us women are wired completely differently to you men and it requires effort and patience to figure each other out. We will fail our partners in our relationships, even when we don’t mean to do it.

    Sometimes, when we fail, there is no immediate fix. We can only recognise where we’ve gone wrong by being self aware, be humble enough to reach out apologise and make amends and most of all work to be better the next time. Both of you definitely are willing to work at it, you respect your commitment to one another and that’s what will make your love grow stronger.

    You’re so blessed to have a partner who forgives your shortcomings, and still loves you. It is up to you to not take that for granted. Keep showing her in ways she appreciates how much she means.

    I think the reason why you have managed to sustain this relationship without sex, is because she really understands your love language. Remember you thought it was sex you needed but you must realise now physical touch independent of sex is highly effective – so kissing, cuddles, the way she holds your hand is actually what is meaningful to you and she expresses that so well to you. I think you need to really understand what her love language is too. It might be a combo but explore it in order to express your appreciation in the best possible way.

    I understand you don’t want to reveal what ‘B’ has told you in confidence but reading between the lines, I sense that something is not well with her and I’m so sorry to hear that and will say a little prayer for you guys. All you can do now is be strong Danny. She needs you.

    I get your disinterest in weddings, I know you men don’t understand the fuss but for her try a little harder, do something special that she isn’t expecting or has arranged herself. It will make her feel you are invested.

    Also the family thing, I think you’re letting insecurities overrule here. You feel you’re not good enough for her still so it wouldn’t surprise me if you feel pressured to perform in front of them. Just be you. She chose you and she clearly accepts all of you. Let go of the idea you’re not enough otherwise you will do what you did the first time just sabotage it. You can’t keep expecting her to reassure you because it will one day come to a head if you’re doing it excessively. Resentment sets in. You want her to feel like a partner not a therapist or mother. So I think you should take a leaf out of @Jay2023 book and get therapy on this issue and dealing with fully healing the wound left by your ex and ex mate.

    I’m sure @Jay2023 can cast his own light and offer a male perspective and ideas. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.

    Don’t hold onto this mistake and rake over it. It’s done and forgiven. You should now focus on growing from it and making full amends with her.
    For now after work, do something special or fun. It’s been a heavy week. Release those happy hormones and remind each other why you belong together ❤

    I will always root for this relationship because I see how much you want to grow, how much you love her and I see that she is an amazing woman who isn’t willing to give up on you. So don’t you dare give up on her. What you have is rare. Most people discard each other even when being together for years because there is never any solid commitment to keep working at the relationship and growing together in the first place.  X

    #379171
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    You’d be surprised Jay, my ex who i always did thoughtful gestures for never really appreciated it. He would even say stuff like you do too much. Like stfu and appreciate the gesture, I’ve chosen to do it because I care that should mean something lol. So I doubt he kept anything for sentimental value. Did your ex do something as sweet for you at least?</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>
    I was reluctant to do it for my new partner but to finally experience that deep and real appreciation shows how it should be. He soaked in the effort, showed me how much he valued it and that meant the world. It has helped let down some walls i had up because I was scared. So thanks Jay for the inspiration. It’s brought my bf and I closer.

    That’s fantastic the negative feelings are starting to fade, you’re reaching acceptance slowly but surely like you said.

    I don’t know how to react to your Tinder match lol. In one way it’s good you’re making connections and it’s boosting your confidence. Just as long as you’re aware it will not fill any voids in the long run. I hope it’s not a validation thing. Because you know you’re totally worth it and any woman who has such a thoughtful man in her life would be so lucky.

    Anyway we like to hear your happy news too. This thread isn’t for when we’re feeling shit only. The happy moments can be hope for others reading and struggling.

    What was the conversation like with your new match, I mean it’s Tinder so it is likely to be casual but do you like her and think the distance could become insignificant? Are you planning on meeting in person?

    So glad your anxiety has eased off, it’s okay to miss someone you know, that is not the same as wanting to have a relationship again. She was part of your life and you’re compassionate for not just discarding her like an old toy, it shows your feelings of care are pure and genuine. I’m sorry it wasn’t reciprocated but that doesn’t diminish what you felt. She didn’t choose you but it can never take away from what a good person you are for still wanting her to be happy even if you can’t be a part of the equation. Give it some time and maybe you can be friends?

    Romantic feelings will inevitably die down and fade with time because a lot of the time it needs physical intimacy and chemistry even if that’s cuddles or holding hands to sustain it.

    I noticed you said to Danny, that the people you want to be romantic with end up as deep platonic friendships. As woman I may be able to help you here if you want

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Sammy.
    #379166
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys well done for asking for a meeting face to face, it is the only way to determine if it could become more. I know a lot of people over the pandemic who have been in long communication have done it out of boredom and will not be meeting once everything opens up so it is an encouraging sign he is trying to set a date. Let us know how you get on. I hope that you have developed a strong base of friendship that can flourish in person with chemistry. Good luck!

     


    @Jay2023
    how are you? Like really how have you been feeling? I read some of your posts to Danny and my heart kind of ached for you. Even if you are feeling lost , it’s part if your path, don’t avoid it. You’ll find in time you are surrounded by love, the ones who really care will not be afraid to come into the darkness, so just hold the hand that reaches out and let it guide you and pull you out into the light. They will bring brightness to shrink the dark away. You are more than your issues. Don’t let the negative thoughts we cling to stop you from seeing the real picture. If you want to talk, I’m always more than happy to if you prefer to talk to Danny that’s okay too. As long as your growing and taking something away.

    I also want to say the biggest fattest thank you possible. Your personalised birthday idea of message in bottle really helped bring my bf and I more closer than ever. I didn’t realise how much impact so thoughtful and personal can have on men, my ex never appreciated sentiments like that. It felt lovely to do something with effort and thought and it was valued whilst reminding them of their value too. You did that, I would have probably gone for the easy option of aftershave because it’s so early in our relationship but your advice worked wonders, if you care you shouldn’t be afraid to express it. Thank you so much Jay!

     


    @Dannydan
    you’re very welcome, sorry I couldn’t get back to you earlier but let us know how you’re feeling or doing. I’m back at work so tag me. Just breathe and remember she loves you. You love her. That’s bigger than this fight. Way bigger!

    #379123
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan I am so sorry you’re having such a hellish week. I’m so sorry I couldn’t reply sooner. @Jay2023 and you have a bromance brewing there and I’m so glad you were leaning on each other. I know female advice doesn’t always hit the mark.

    She’s not testing you, I would be astounded if she was based on what we know of her character, so don’t go down that path or think those dangerous thoughts like you did the first time and thought she was only with you out of pity🤦🏼‍♀️ leading to resentment. It will make you lose trust in each other and harm your relationship unnecessarily.

    It appears she is scared and feeling very vulnerable. Why is the magic question? I’m sorry I can’t answer that for you unfortunately.

    Sometimes even though normally you share great communication it can be difficult to talk through more deeper rooted conflict right away and come to a quick resolution as you usually do. The positive sign is she hasn’t ignored you, she is trying to remain mature and she came to see you the same day she finally read the text. I think she needs time until she feels strong enough to put it into words, all you can do is be patient. I think from the non verbal communication it’s safe to say there is actually still a lot of love there.

    To her this fight from the very beginning felt bigger than it did to you and then the rookie mistakes you made added to it, it has definitely triggered something deeper and troubled her.

    Like I said as women we detect the smallest of things but overlook them but when something like this happen it just magnifies everything.

    Also when you’re as close as you two are (your emotional connection is definitely deep) A fight especially your very first big fight can feel like a real major threat to your sense of security or bond.

    I’m sure you’ve heard of make up sex? You were musing about the other one – break up sex to @Jay2023 lol.

    Unlike break up sex which quite often is to pump and dump and leaves you feeling used.

    Make up sex in a committed relationship can be very healing. She didn’t turn up to test you or even with the intention to have sex (because you two haven’t gone all the way yet.) But that doesn’t change the chemical reaction that can occur especially if you share a deep emotional intimacy things can start getting out of hand without you even knowing. It’s why make up sex is x10 more passionate.

    I know this first hand, in that moment she was most likely feeling distress, I bet you she just wanted to feel close to you and comforted and it just ensued.

    Just like you she’s human mate, you need to remember that. Maybe the standards you’ve come to expect have started to overwhelm her. She may be strong majority of the time but everyone of us has insecurities and fears.

    It is these fears that can activate a persons biological attachment system, which is your body’s way of naturally wanting you to get close again to your loved one.

    The hormones your body releases when you’re afraid are the exact same as when you’re turned on so transfer can occur.

    You did the right thing in NOT letting it escalate that far. It would have been great sex but she definitely would have regretted the timing. I am sure you both want that first moment to be special and not off the back of an argument.

    In fact I’m really proud of you Danny. You’ve come such a long way. You could have taken advantage of her vulnerability in that moment, especially since you described yourself as a red blooded male in your first post. When things have calmed down, she will thank you and respect you even more. I can promise you that. Both @Rheanys and @Jay2023 I’m sure concur. You made the right choice.

    A silver lining for you and to cheer you up, the Hopper and Joyce quip made by your friend does hold alot of weight. You seriously do need to “bang” already, so I hope the wedding is sooner rather than later.  Yes I believe there will be a wedding, once you two numpties sort things out! When married you’ll continue to butt heads it’s normal, but the good news is those will inevitably result in you two experiencing throes of passion for sure lol!

    Conflict increases sexual desire in some it’s a known fact. Make up sex is a great way to calm things down, feel accepted and connected but you also have to talk things through. Otherwise it can turn like it did for a friend of mine and your partner will feel like a means to an end.

    Anyway I suggest you text her one more time and say something along the lines of “I want you to take all the time you need to be ready, but we have to talk this through, I’m worried about you because I love you. We’re a team, ready when you are” then clean up, smarten yourself up and show her the man she chose, be strong this time it looks like she needs it. Listen closely because there will be things said that I’m guessing you are unaware of that have been affecting her. Compromise. I am willing to bet my house, you two will resolve this.

    #378944
    Sammy
    Participant

    Don’t do it Danny, don’t get a third party involved by contacting her friends or family. This is between you and her. You’ll lose her trust. Let her deal with her emotions and heal however SHE feels fit, just be patient.

    I know you and @Jay2023 are men so think differently but us women (@Rhaenys) have both confirmed where some of her hurt is arising from. She has let you know what she needs in a mature way and hasn’t ignored you at any point. She just needs space although hard it’s a fair request given the context of this situations. If she had not rang you as usual or failed to reply to your text then we would all be telling you that this is silent treatment being used to gaslight.

    So TRUST in your bond like @Jay2023 said. This is mature behaviour to communicate how you feel and to respect one another when asked.
    You’ve hit the panic button for some reason, yeah you made a few rookie mistakes but you shouldn’t be feeling this insecure. Come on Danny, you’ve come so far to let old insecurities eat away at you again. You’re a better person than yesterday and you just need to continue in that vain. We all mess up, I have,  I’m sure @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys have too and could tell you their own anecdotes. The test of character comes in how we make amends. I know you understand where you went wrong and are not egotistical so will do all you can.

    I will be realistic with you when you meet you will be able to determine whether this was simply a learning opportunity or if it was an event that warrants putting the brakes on the relationship. I doubt it will be the latter because I feel it in my body you two may bicker, may be opposites in some ways but you work on your love for each other that’s the secret recipe for a happy successful union.

    So respect that time she has set aside stop questioning what she is doing or thinking, only she knows. We can only surmise based on our own experiences. Just as @Jay2023 said it is good blessing and time to think about if you’re on the same page, if not what you can do to compromise, take this time to introspect.

    Learning to sit back and wait for communication without incessantly worrying is vital for healthy relationships too.


    @Jay2023
    and @Rhaenys suggested over the weekend you text her and although she has asked to not be contacted I think one text to just remind her you do care is not disrespectful at all it’s thoughtful, but after that if you receive no response just sit tight and wait. Keep it brief, something positive and remind her you’re thinking of her and you care. Let her know you are there whenever she is ready don’t force her hand in anyway.

    I’m rooting for you both Danny. I’m so sorry I can’t support you over the weekend. I’ll try on Sunday to make time to check but you stay strong and remember the love you have for one another is more than this blip 💙

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