Forum Replies Created
August 12, 2021 at 3:18 am #384571
Awwwwww @Dannydan, you always say the things I need to hear. Yes, you and @Jay2023 get to say ‘ I told you so ‘ 🤦🏼♀️! You keep soaring high too, you have a beautiful thing going so don’t mess it up or you’ll have two women to smack ya! Lol
@Rhaenys if you do reply just tag me so I see it. I will not be posting any further updates on myself like Danny reached a point I can fully enjoy my relationship.
. Look after yourself all!August 11, 2021 at 3:49 am #384497
@Rhaenys it’s nice to hear back from you and to learn of your wonderful news, the new man on the scene sounds so mature and thoughtful, which is promising as you don’t want puppy love again!
You have had a bad deal in relationships but remember it’s given you so much experience, you have learned who you are, what your wants and needs are.
You’ll enter a relationship being you and should take things at your own pace. Remain in the moment, don’t let fears rule but take lessons from your past and if you notice any distinct red flags don’t settle out of fear!
Some well deserved attention can fool us too, if we don’t focus on a person’s actual character and qualities and just get caught up in the idea of being in love or having a relationship with someone.
Slow and steady wins the race! Do keep us updated and I have my fingers crossed everything works out and progresses. Hope you feel much happier now you’re on vacation and able to be out and about on dates and restrictions in your country are lifting. Just realised I’ve never asked but where are you from?
Thank you for your sweet words to me too. I didn’t quite understand what you meant by the sentence… “did your boyfriend tell you” but he’s not the type who is jealous or restricts me from seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I wouldn’t put up with insecure or controlling behaviour. Having a secure partner makes the world of difference.
Sorry @Dannydan and @Rhaenys if I have been late to reply but yesterday evening I met up with my ex (my bf knew) and I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to rehash everything but it’s safe to say @Dannydan and @Jay2023 you were right. We can not possibly be friends right now or ever, he still has feelings which he would act on if the moment presented itself.
He has matured from before, he is learning to be expressive, he was very vulnerable last night with his emotions, when I told him about my bf, he said he could see my eyes light up and although he is so regretful for throwing it all away, he conceded he’s realised this was not a rebound for me and he’s not the one for me anymore, that we will not be finding our way back to each other.
For most part I am glad I didn’t just ghost him, that i met him in person and we had a real grown up conversation and my heart feels better for it. It’s also sad, it hurt some because I did love him with all my heart at one point and I saw how much it was hurting him in person which is not a nice feeling when you still care about someone.
I asked him about us being friends, he went quiet then what @Jay2023 and @Dannydan had been saying about how it’s so difficult to and the pain when feelings are still there came to my head and so I made a decision for him and said i wanted to move on and so should you.
After seeing him in person and realising his feelings I knew just cutting ties is for the best for him right now and I’ve reached a point in my life I want better for myself and I have it, he may have done the work I always wanted but its all too late being friends right now isn’t my priority. We hugged. I could see he wanted to hold on in a lingering embrace but I pulled away out of respect to my boyfriend.
I’m definitely not going to throw away a relationship with my bf who is everything I needed and want in a partner; he is academically and emotionally intelligent. He spoils me, is a giver in everyway, patient and not afraid to be expressive like so many men, he is mature and very secure person who doesn’t do anything by force but is able to empathise which I find hot and attractive. I love we can still talk about anything just cuddled up and he takes his time to understand my emotions and he values my expressiveness too. I love him.
Meeting or talking to an ex often makes most people who still harbour feelings even if subconsciously, those feelings rise to the surface and become stirred but I didn’t feel any regret, any what ifs, or desire.
I felt it solidified my current relationship further my mind didn’t once wander. So I know I’m with the right person and I think I needed this meeting just to ensure my reasons for being friends were what I had told you guys and they were. I just care about him still and always will. That’s okay. Like you said Danny I deserve to be happy and it’s time to just focus on me.
He knows I’m serious about my bf and from some of the conversation after that point sunk in for him I have a feeling instead of turning this rejection into growth and looking inwardly. The ex will now just throw himself into a relationship with someone he can settle on and rush it, just to not feel these feelings and to not feel lonely. He said he was tired. When people are tired they go for the easy option and settle for what they can get out of fear instead of sitting with their feelings and working on themselves which is hard.
He’s a fake it until you make it type, never really gaining confidence or sourcing his own happiness from himself but using other people or things to fill the gaps. With the hard work I’ve done i can see this will eventually cause resentment and fractions in his relationships because he’s going into them for the wrong reason but it’s his lessons to learn. It is sad because I want him to be happy.
In conclusion if I can give any words of wisdom is discussion is always better in person and better than ignoring. Don’t follow the relationship gurus but follow your heart and listen to what your mind, body and soul need. I feel much lighter and ready for what adventure awaits. I have no guilt I never tried to salvage a friendship. I have no regrets from the way I treated him and the love I have to that relationship. I did all I could for him and I’m happy with the human I am.August 6, 2021 at 4:17 am #384211
Oh @Dannydan maybe I’m hormonal but I’m very tearful after reading your last post when did you become so wise. Thank you for your non judgement and asking how I feel.
So many people automatically judge that it is wrong or ridiculous for still caring about an ex or that it means you haven’t moved on but it takes someone with emotional intelligence to understand.
I can be madly in love with someone new and still care about my exes journey. The two can coexist. As long as there’s no unresolved romantic feelings on my end, which there isn’t you can be a part of each others lives.
I have been a little conflicted because I wanted us to be friends, I understand if there are still feelings on his side I don’t want to hurt my ex in anyway by giving him false hope or stoke the flames by being on his radar.
Ignoring someone is something I hate , it really doesn’t sit right with me, I find stonewalling rude, toxic and immature behaviour.
I’ve always believed it is better to have a difficult conversations to reiterate your feelings or position until the other person accepts that it is done and dusted. It’s a whole lot more kind too. Instead of silence and burying your head in the sand hoping whatever the problem is will go away.
Throughout my whole relationship with my ex, I was the one who would try to talk, have open channel of communication to which he would put up walls, show resistance or ignore.
There’s moving on and there’s moved on 100%. I have reached the latter now, where I laugh about how desperate I was to rekindle, now if an opportunity ever came about, I would never want to revisit us, which is why I’m able to consider being friends. He might not be there yet or ever get there if he has regrets.
I just feel like a hypocrite now to be enforcing no contact and ignoring his messages.
However you and @Jay2023 as men keep stating it helps you to heal to have no contact and prevents long term pain so I’m willing to try something different because I want him to thrive in life and in his new relationship so much.
At the same time my ex definitely knows I have let go, I told him, but he continues to contact me so I’m wondering, am I making assumptions or being swayed by hearsay that he wants me back romantically?
Should I have asked him directly before imposing a blanket ban again, instead of being swayed by assumptions or information from possibly biased friends who selfishly want us to rekindle.
It could be like myself he cares about me and also wants to be better friends and isn’t wanting to discard someone who was a vital part of his journey?
I shouldn’t believe like most men he has an ulterior motive of worming his way back in? Danny and Jay, am i being naive? I don’t know. I don’t really know him anymore either.
Above all I just want him happy and my own relationship to fruition and work, that’s my top priority.
Luckily for me I have a very mature and experienced partner who understands the complexity of human emotions.
We rarely talk about our exes, I wouldn’t want my current partner to feel like I’m living in the past, I believe in living in the present. When we do have a moment he doesn’t make it uncomfortable or vice versa. I love that quality about him, I can tell him absolutely anything that’s worrying me and sometimes without even wanting to it pours out to him because our emotional connect is so strong.
That’s the foundation I’ve always desired, strong communication and being in sync. He never shuts down when we have differences, he never avoids conflict. He knows who he is and I know who I am and we have both become fearless in love and able to be vulnerable and say we really want each other. I feel secure in this relationship because of that. I am able to introspect my feelings without him feeling I’m questioning my love for him.
He is such a strong mature man who knows what he wants it is a very attractive and amazing feeling. Something my ex never gave me because he was insecure beneath that facade.
There was a point in time I was in love with my ex and he has a corner in my heart but that’s all it is. I continue to care and that is why there’s a struggle with what is best for him. No contact or contact?!
I will never be in a romantic relationship with my ex again, I forgave him but we didn’t work for close to five years. That meeting face to face was the turning point for me wanting better for myself and I was able to walk away from from being intimate with him in a very highly charged moment where I could have succumb. It made me feel proud that even though we had the chemistry and pull I didn’t just spread my legs to make a man want to be with me. It was a moment my outlook for that relationship changed and I showed the love I’m capable of giving to others by giving it to myself.
Maybe my ex thinks because he’s finally caught on and changing that he’s going to be able to be the man I wanted and we can start afresh from scratch but I no longer trust or love him in that way after learning to love myself and then meeting someone who has taught me how love should be.
My situation is so different to yours Danny. ‘B’ was always there for you and an amazing partner and most importantly she walked away at the right time before you became too entrenched and prevented certain memories from becoming tainted. Your physical relationship is built on your emotional connect and you were able to begin anew after seeing sense when you experienced regrets.
Thing is I never had any regrets with my ex because I was always all in and it still wasn’t enough for him. It led to deep resentment and I never ever want to be made to feel like that ever again.
You can’t stop caring or turn emotions off. So here I am, typing away trying to solve whether I’m doing the right thing. Hurting him now so he hurts less further down the line. I don’t know if any of that makes sense guys lol. I’m also very hormonal right now.
@Dannydam i can really tell you take your commitment and vows seriously. Well done on shining a light on the reality of marriage. Living with a person is definitely the litmus test of relationships.
Very few people are as unambiguous, honest and can speak their mind like your ‘B’. So you always knew what you were getting. For most the true colours are revealed once you live together and if you have rushed into narriage without living together then it’s down to you to work hard and accept you settled. I never ever want to settle for the wrong reasons like settling out of loneliness, as a race against my ex or worrying times running out for children like so many do. They in the end wind up more lonelier in the marriage than they started.
You’re very lucky man to have such a strong woman by your side. Continue to be proud of each other and work on your love!August 2, 2021 at 11:59 am #383957
@Jay2023 so sorry I haven’t replied because you didn’t tag me , I assumed there was no message but got a notification today but can see that’s because of Danny and just read you can’t tag on your phone. So next time, I’ll try checking the forum sooner.
That feeling of her having moments will disappear the very moment you become happy within. Also when you’re in a new relationship and having all your needs met you will not care she didn’t choose you or want her to regret her choice. You will be glad, you will not feel like you do now once you find the right relationship. If you loved her deeply you’ll just be left with wanting the ex to thrive. If it was infatuation you will not care or get any warm feelings when thinking of her. How do I know that? Because I’m there. You’ll slowly but surely get there too.
I have some update @Dannydan and @Jay2023. My ex when I deleted him on SM, contacted me a few days later and I know you both said stay completely no contact and I have. I feel so cruel and it’s making me feel horrendous but I’m going to try to see it through allowing him to heal and assess his needs and relationship without me as a variable.
My boyfriend has been so great and he’s incredibly mature and secure in himself and that makes me feel more attracted to him each day. I’m trying to stay level headed but I’m both excited for us and sometimes anxious. I feel once he moves in that will be the big milestone in our relationship because he sees it as equivalent to being married and my bestie has been dropping hints that he is about to surprise me with something lol.
Jay you’re doing the best thing for yourself. Fulfilling your own goals and planning adventures without desperately seeking a relationship to fulfil you.
Danny how’s married life? You seem snowed under so don’t worry if you can’t reply.July 28, 2021 at 2:22 am #383572
Any advice for me? Do I ghost my ex on birthdays/occasions too for or keep the limited contact but don’t go to mutual gatherings?
Even though you had to experience the depths of heartache, you can proudly say this experience with her has made you a better person overall and it’s been character building.
I know you got attached to her and it seems you will always have love there.
You have come a long way and I’m very happy you did the introspective work and can source your own happiness too.
If your exes character was like ‘B’ then after witnessing Danny’s journey, my stance has changed and I would now encourage you to try again with bravery and fight because she might be the loyl.
But based on what you told us I think you deserve better. Someone who emotionally understands you, someone supportive, someone who spoils you too, someone who is passionate about sex but finds it sacred like you and sees it as part of a commitment not means to an end.
I know you’ve been reminiscing a lot at least you will not have to endure any torturous regrets down the road like my ex or feel you screwed up the chance of happiness because you were always an amazing giving boyfriend to her even through your own miserable and unhappy internal conflict at that time.
I’m glad you are really pushing yourself and I think the djing is a great development because music itself is so healing. You’ll also meet new people more readily in that social setting.
If you’re not looking to destination hop then out of the two options Bali should be your first choice, my bf been and his pictures are incredible but Thailand is not far from there and if you’re paying to travel so far you might as well tick off as many as you can. Have a full tour. In the new year post Xmas is a good shout. Jan is always a miserable month lol.
Are you planning on going solo? Or f&f?
It’s really lovely to read your progress Jay so try keep in touch!July 27, 2021 at 2:07 pm #383541
@Dannydan you post posted twice but that song is 🔥🔥🔥! I understand things better from the perspective you gave thank you. But Gosh you men really are takers at times lol.
@Jay2023 just proved that by saying he too would want a certain situation to pan out in his favour before ever considering friendship lol. Men and their egos!
I don’t want to torture my ex further after the consensus on here, he’s doing a number on himself already I want him to be happy and accept for me and him it’s over. I want him to find someone who loves him just as much as I did or more. If that means I have to swallow the bitter pill that after all is said and done, we can no longer stay a part of each others lives by being friends then so be it. For me it’s never been a competition to beat each other into a better or “upgrade”. I just want him to thrive and the same for myself.
After listening to that song tune, I removed him from any social media. Any mutual events , I will stay away. Do I message on birthdays guys? Our contact was already limited but do I cut that out too.
I feel sad we can’t become friends and instead I will most likely need to withdraw further, It will hurt him but it’s for the greater good, isn’t it?
@Jay2023 Thanks for replying and I’m super glad your symptoms are not serious and you’ll be out if isolation imminently. I hope your taste and smell return very soon. I imagine it must be weird to eat and off putting. Hope you don’t lose weight as a result.
You mentioned you haven’t been drawn to anyone like your ex….what qualities made you drawn to her ?
Also yes it’s clear there were very strong feelings present for you to be feeling nostalgia.
Try not to just recall the rose tinted memories. Remember things like her attitude she didn’t value sacredness of sex, she didn’t support you emotionally, she wasn’t very kind etc.
You can’t help who you fall for so I would never question a persons love. But I will say there’s no need for you to have any regrets. You were an angel and treated her very well from what you told us. Unlike my ex or Danny to ‘B’ initially hence them having torturous regrets.
I am all for you starting to love yourself and do things which make you feel fulfilled on your own first before getting into a relationship. Because when you use a relationship as your source of happiness it never pans out.
What are your plans for the end of the year? Is it Thailand?
@Rhaenys you can tag me and I will do my utmost to help.
It’s great to hear that you are slowly shifting your focus and have been brave enough to put yourself out there and start dating again. It’s important to not have any expectations and also remember it is partly a number game so there will be some rotten apples amongst the mix.
A genuine man will be patient and follow your lead.
Don’t be a total prude, it’s important for a man to guage chemisty so there will be a need for some flirty exchange not necessarily explicit.
In reference to fear. Danny and I have both experienced it. It is a natural defense mechanism when you’ve been heartbroken but love can only occur if you take a risk and be vulnerable. We spoke extensively on fear so re read the previous posts it will help you feel not alone. You have to be courageous, if Danny didn’t be brave and try to woo ‘B’ again against all odds he would have lost out on the love of his life. By taking the plunge and believing in himself he can live without regrets.
If I didn’t fight fear of being alone I would have continued my codependency with my ex. Instead I fought and look where I am now in a relationship with someone who really understands my needs and is making me believe in love all over again.
I’m glad things have started to open up and will allow you to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Take pride in your progress , these little steps are going to lead you to an amazing new adventure. It’s never too late to better yourself and attain what you deserveJuly 27, 2021 at 3:34 am #383505
@Dannydan what a wise old owl you’ve become. I loved that link you sent about givers.
Thank you for giving me a boost when I needed and for your kind words and demonstrating how much you value me. I’m very touched Danny.
I have found myself a good one, haven’t I?! I love that you paid attention to my excitement of becoming sisters with my bestie! Totally going to be the best thing ever! Ground yourself Sammy lol Thank you for the encouragement!
You’re completely right. Friendship is for people who are mutually invested in each other’s happiness or welfare, and have no stock in being close to each other than for the sake of genuinely, platonically love and care for one another.
Although he is in a new relationship he still wants to keep some contact , but like you say if he harbors romantic feelings which he does from what I’ve been told the kindest thing to do if I care is to let him heal without contact from me which may help his relationship work. Maybe one day we can be friends rather than back to strangers. Life is just so complicated!
@Rhaenys I have zoom meeting in 6 minutes but will give your post the time and response it deserves later this evening.July 26, 2021 at 5:04 am #383460
@Dannydan the ex was selfish but he isn’t an unhinged or narcissist person, at that time he was just very immature and I’ve come to accept and understood it’s all he knew.
Women are 5 years ahead in maturity I’d say. No wonder we prefer to go for older men!
I’m 110% certain even if I was single I don’t want to go back to a romantic relationship with him. I deserve better than I received. We just don’t fit together. The time together drained me and I lost who I was with him. So you’re right I had to rediscover me and learn to love myself again which is why now I value myself more than ever.
I do miss him, he has a piece of me forever because of the way I love, you are right he was a person who I shared a big part of myself with and meeting him contributed to who I am as a person today.
It’s strange to admit but I don’t love him anymore or consider him as the “one who got away” if I did, I know talking to him, considering being friends would never be an option. It would hurt me and I wouldn’t want to do that to myself. I have neither romantic feelings or hope anymore but I care for him.
Women confront things quicker and that’s why we tend to move on from our romantic feelings and realise there’s no going back. It’s done.
Men don’t do this type of introspection often, they can suppress for years until they have something that triggers regret which is why after reading about ‘B’ ex ,it’s got me thinking.
My biggest worry now is that he’s going to still hold hope if I keep any form of contact because your male perspective is completely accurate and what I believe too. I don’t want drama, I did want us to reach a place where we are both happy for each other and can be part of each others lives. I know not from assumptions but hearing it directly from mutual friends he’s conflicted whilst being in a relationship himself.
What do I do? Cut any remaining contact and hurt him for the short term so he tries to heal then try again to be friends, will this make him bitter?
But if I am the “one that got away” a big regret for him, I know we will never be able to be in each others lives and be friends.
It’s that realisation that has made me so sad and either way I’m hurting him. I don’t like to hurt people. Rock and hard place!
My current partner him not wanting to move in did throw me considering he said he wanted a relationship with the end goal being a family. When that happened, my old wounds surfaced but he has amazing awareness and saw that. He reassured me and still stuck to his guns and I love that about him. He spontaneously planned the stay cay and it was so romantic, he’s definitely a giver in every way possible and I never knew how incredible it can be when you get two givers together 🤯
So both physically and emotionally makes me feel very very fulfilled otherwise trust me when I say after that heartbreak, I’m at that point in my life I’m not going to settle for mediocre. I want the thrills, passion, excitement and someone caring and giving. I always thought you can have one and need to compromise on the other but I’ve been proven wrong.
I’m just scared to say it out aloud because I don’t want to jinx it. I know this sounds stupid, I tell myself little annoying things like oh he works on call etc. just to stay grounded and not let myself get carried away but I’m very very excited and so is his sister who is my bestie so having insider info helps lol.
Sometimes I think why didn’t I notice him sooner, he was there right in front of me but we both had to experience our own heartbreaks, take other roads to find what our needs were and who we were before we could come together and be the best for one another.
Thanks for the sage advice and that very clear explanation of unconditional love vs. codependent love. I can’t believe you’re the same Danny that came to this thread all those months ago. Just incredible. You have really worked hard and become an incredible person. Really warms my heart!
If I panic or become stuck i’ll tag you so don’t worry about replying if you’re occupied. Enjoy your bliss , you deserve it! Been a pleasure Danny!July 23, 2021 at 11:32 am #383317
@Rhaenys I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so low at timesl. It is good to hear from you. Just make sure you tag me properly. Having said that I did if you scroll back up post a separate post prior to the one I sent Danny congratulating him on his marriage, but you didn’t reply. I assumed you had needed time to withdraw again. I’m always here to help if you need. It’s really no bother. If something is outside my remit I would say. This is a thread to discuss your thoughts anonymously anytime and should be able to explore any feeling without worrying. What’s been bothering you?
@Jay2023 so good to hear from you aswell. I’m not surprised you caught covid if you were working in the pubs during the Euros! Absolutely gutted about the final, my boyfriend was a state when he got home and he doesn’t even drink much I’m! I’m glad your symptoms are not serious but do rest and take it easy. I know some people who have got worse over time. I know exactly how you feel about self isolation at the very beginning I had to isolate too and I was in the very early stages of my heartbreak and sober journey. Running had been my escape but being confined just brought everything to the fore again. Sometimes it is good, it comes back because you haven’t worked through it properly. If there are unresolved feelings they will continue to surface until you fully confront them. So use the time to rediscover what your heart and mind and soul are trying to tell you. How long have you got in isolation? Well done on picking up your DJ decks, great to learn new set of skills! How are you feeling about your romantic life?
New boyfriend is great, he’s mature, attentive, can communicate effectively. I did detach a little after he didn’t want to move in. I don’t want to get my heart broken again so decided to not rush it. Let things develop slower. When we went away on our stay cay it was really romantic and we got closer organically. There are things that concern me like his shift patterns and if I can live a life with him being on call but for now I’m loved and it’s working.
You’re right Danny, relationships work if there’s security and that comes through trust. So well done on not being possessive or controlling.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get to the same space ‘B’ has with her ex with my ex, I’d like to because he was a big part of my life and even though he messed up, he tried his best at that time and I continue to want the best for him. I have worked through my emotions fully and got past it so there will never be a reunion too much water under that bridge. Right now we’re only in contact if it’s at a mutual gathering or texting goodwill greetings on occasions. Otherwise our contact is limited.
I haven’t really dwelled on my ex until you mentioned who you invited. It got me thinking the exact same that my ex may be waiting for an opportunity. He actually said to me I was always in his corner and it hurts him that he hurt me the most, by the time he realised it though I didn’t know how to love him anymore. I have love for him but no longer in love with him. Ill write more later but running late for a hen party.July 22, 2021 at 7:01 am #383204
@Dannydan its great to hear from you and that you had a wonderful honeymoon.
Loved reading your long post but where do I begin? It’s been my pleasure to help you. You honestly don’t owe me anything, but I will tag you if I ever need some perspective but like you I’m doing well now. @Rhaenys and @Jay2023 have gone awol lol. So I only respond to any notifications. The fact you want to return my time and energy, is a true reflection of your character. I appreciate that a lot. In the past, I would get upset by slow or no replies but this thread taught me about managing expectations and made me give in a better way than I did before. So you really don’t owe me anything.
I also couldn’t agree more, having your own personal space is important in relationships too. It’s evident your relationship is built on a strong foundation, you both share great communication and trust. Maybe we should both treasure it as our safe place we can vent anonymously to each other if necessary? At least for now.
I think be careful of setting the bar so high for yourself because consistency is key in a relationship. Are you able to sustain the monthly anniversary surprises? As a woman I would prefer consistency rather than a brief honeymoon phase and then nothing. Having said that I get the feeling there’s also a deeply romantic Danny we’ve discovered that lurks beneath the sexually charged beast. If that’s the case ‘B’ is a lucky lucky lady to have a man willing to continue to infuse romance on the daily. Keeping it real most men win you over and revert back to their true uninspiring boring setting lol.
I recommend something simple, maybe you could write a personalised card or sentimental poem about what your first month as official husband and wife has meant to you?
Wow! DANNY, that is super progress! Well done on reigning your thoughts in and thinking of it like you should; being proud she is all yours and remembering she chose you.
Too right the other men should be the jealous ones! From all the information you’ve shared about ‘B’ she is quite an amazing catch so you should always remember she accepted YOU because she saw something special in you compared to her “hot Asian ex” and the many options or dates she had.
I am happy to read you have learned to accept yourself fully that’s why you are genuinely proud of yourself for being the one man that really captured her heart and made her want to be your wife.
So well done for nipping any Insecurity in the bud , if allowed to grow it can become possessive and no woman wants to constantly reassure a man it is draining or have a controlling man, it eats away at the relationship. What did B say upon discussion?
Carry on being you and growing, the love and chemistry you both share can only grow because its evident you two have something special. It really makes me happy to see it! It’s so sweet to read the little things you notice in her too.
It is incredible how far you’ve come and the maturity you demonstrated by inviting your exes to be there, if anything it really shows you both have no lingering doubts or feelings. You trust and are committed to one another. And based on your descriptions of her, I don’t think ‘B’ would ever cheat even if he did try and make a move, so if that thought ever tries to settle in your mind, discard it!
It’s interesting what you said about men being takers and their role in forging a friendship for their own benefit. It has got me thinking about my ex.
I know it must have been very difficult for you to confront the contents of that letter but look at the result! It’s shown how valued you are by ‘B’ as well as your in laws. Her parents can see you genuinely make their daughter fulfilled and happy. That was incredible her father stepped in. My friends who are in similar positions have not been so fortunate and their partner finds themselves in middle of tug of war and it leads to misery all around. You are united and all on the same page so this union will only continue to soar.
Glad to read your needs are being fulfilled in every way Danny 😜 be careful you mind find she wants it more!
Remember confrontation or locking horns can be very healthy and make your bond stronger if expressed in the right manner. Arguing will occur in every relationship but those that have strong emotional understanding and communication will continue to thrive. I just knew it you two would be like horny rabbits, you have strong emotional intimacy after that incident where you had your first major fight it’s clear when your bond is threatened you seek proximity to one another to reconnect!
Reading what you wrote to @Rhaenys made me cry. It’s just so beautiful to see you so passionately in love and willing to risk loving from your whole heart even if it comes crumbling down. Not many love like that Danny! You’re right it’s our choices that decide our fate. Never let fear decide our destiny.
I’m so glad to have witnessed you morph from that boy who first posted to the man you are today. XJuly 9, 2021 at 12:32 pm #382688
@Dannydan I returned from my staycation down south yesterday evening wasn’t as fancy as the carribean but we found a lovely secluded cove, was very romantic and fun, my boyfriend stayed down South as he has nabbed some tickets for the final on Sunday with his mates! It’s coming home 🏴
I hope you’re having the most beautiful honeymoon and stay healthy and safe.
But Oh em Gee!
You don’t give yourself enough credit. You had so much courage and belief to fight for her, even when we believed you should let her be, you fought your own fears too. You stepped up big time, you let go of your ego and look at your hard work it’s paid off! You can look back with no regret, not many people have that luxury. My ex wanted to try but by the time he admitted it, for me it was too late, now those what ifs will always linger for him. It always does.
It was a bit obvious that you shared an intense emotional connection, natural chemisty just from your descriptions of her and your communication. The bases you did go to beforehand, I’m sure you guaged there would be no inhibitions and it confirmed you two were very compatible!
But I understand it would be hard if you felt upset about the physical side as it is obviously a big need for you and let’s be real no one wants a dead lay for the rest of their lives either lol because if there isn’t the above naturally then working on it is difficult too.
Reading your wedding night surprise and how dreamy you made it , wowee Danny! She’s a very very lucky woman to be gifted a home, loved and spoilt by you too! It sounds like you had the most perfect and magical night, you really deserve it. You are very romantic! I’m a little envious and I’m sure @Rhaenys as a woman will agree we want that too!
I was on tenterhooks about you buying a house without her seeing it but its obvious you are attentive and know what she would want or like! So again well done!
The wedding sounds like you actually warmed up to and honestly as a man, you made it! Lol
Sorry to hear that the lack of emotional awareness in others meant they made unwelcome remarks. I do think it’s something you shouldn’t sweep under the carpet just because you got through it. You need to talk it through with B and let her
wow, you invited both your exes to the wedding, why? Is B’s ex in a relationship, how did you really feel? Did your ex and ex bestie be respectful? I’m in touch with my ex but I don’t think I could ever extend an invitation to him, I don’t know.
I’m so touched by your offer to make our friendship real. I do not know how I feel, one hand I’ve loved the anonymity of helping others. I’ve used this thread as an outlet anonymously but the thread has a lot of pain attached. On the other hand, I really gelled with you and Tim naturally, have felt a real part of your journey’s and you both have been there for me. I would never accept this offer from anyone other than you two! I would love to meet you and B, you both sound amazing. It would mean telling my current partner about this thread though as I wouldn’t ever come alone. I’m not too sure if I want him to know or know just yet. I think it’s nice to hold some parts of you back or have personal space too in a relationship. Let me think about it.
I look forward to hearing from you when you’re back from your honeymoon. If you can’t reply anymore because you’re too busy using your energies elsewhere lol I will not be offended. You have been amazingly supportive and I have learned so much and become stronger and happier with my choices. So thank you so much Danny!
@Tim1 Your message to Danny was lovely, I hope fatherhood is a bit easier for you now! I hope you are doing well X
@Jay2023 I hope you are doing well. Haven’t heard from you, hope it is because you’re having a great time and enjoying the football! Get in touch. Come on England!!!!!June 30, 2021 at 12:03 pm #382196
Danny! Awwwwwwwwwwww congratulations! 👰🏼♀️💍🤵🏼💒dreams really do come true!
I’m seriously crying happy tears for you right now!
I want to take my time to reply properly, hoping @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys can take the helm and 🍾 with you, I’m on a staycation with my boyfriend for a week now but once I’m back or if I get any time in between I’ll message back properly.
June 28, 2021 at 7:04 am #382067
- Danny for now enjoy and make up for the lost time 😉😈😜
I think it’s natural at that age to want to have security. Like I said before you’re at a crossroad in life and it can be so daunting. With acceptance though, you can be happy. You just need to choose which way to go. Pursue the guy who will really get you and give you long term happiness or settle for the safe bet, have a marriage and kids and be with someone.
I can’t imagine being married to someone and thinking about my exes or what ifs with someone else. It would be unfair to myself and to my partner, I would rather be fully fulfilled and have a person who meets all my needs in a relationship or completely by myself. Whereas you said you need to be with someone so I feel that type of person is prone to settle,that usually stems from insecurities within yourself and loneliness.
For positivity even though it’s such a shame @Shelbyville didn’t return to update the thread, when she left she definitely wasn’t heading towards a lonely spinster route. She was in a new relationship, whether that was the right fit for her, who knows?
Don’t let your mind convince you that you’re somehow losing in life. You have the power to change it and find your happy place. That happy place isn’t always a relationship.
Challenge yourself. Move out and still maintain a close relationship with your family. Push outside your safety net. You may find a new lease of life.June 28, 2021 at 2:20 am #382055
@Rhaenys just realised your username has GOT reference lol.
Sorry to hear about your cat, pets are so loyal and give unconditional love it must be tough when you feel you’re about to lose them. I hope your cat is feeling well. @Tim1 lost his dog and it was awful seeing him so heartbroken.
I don’t mean to label you but have you seen your doctor ? A lot of what you wrote sounds like you may be depressed.
That’s something I didn’t have to contend with. So I can imagine heartbreak alongside depression makes it much harder to cope or find hope. I just kept telling myself the universe may have given me a tough hand but I still have the opportunity with each new day to make it what I want. It doesn’t have to be a major change but bit by bit I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. So you need to do things you wouldn’t normally, this will push you and help you discover your passion again. Slowly but surely I recovered. A lot has to do with the way you think, who you have as support can make a substantial impact and there just comes a point where you grow tired of feeling sad, at least that’s what happened for me.
Sometimes we make the wrong choices and that determines our fate but if you grow, learn and trust in yourself you can create something better.
I would never have thought I’d be here. My ex was my life and love for close to 5 years, I thought life was not worth living without him. I had so many of my firsts with him that I didn’t know how to start again. Now the very same man can enter a room, and I can’t believe I thought I couldn’t live without him. Lol. I care about him, he has a piece of me but when you realise your own true worth you don’t want less than you deserve no matter how much you yearn for that person, your love for yourself wins. I think a lot of it is to do with closure. I didn’t have it as he would create walls and was shit poor at communication. That final meeting which I initiated and hashed out everything was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was the only way I could get closure because I wasn’t strong enough to give it to myself. Maybe you still haven’t got closure? By doing this he also learned so much.
I think it’s also helped being in a new relationship which is definitely right for me. When you meet someone who is right for you, you’ll feel the emotional warmth in your heart just talking to them. You’ll be drawn like magnets. You will realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind. You feel at home because you can be who you are without fear. That’s real love. So don’t settle or you’ll find even with someone by your side you are still lonely.June 23, 2021 at 3:07 am #381880
Don’t let what the world thinks of you beat you down. It can be such a horrible spiral into self loathing and shaming. From what I’ve read from you I think you’re great! I also think you need to love yourself more. When you’re happy with the human you are even if someone doesn’t like you as you want, it will never weigh on you and you can continue to be you. That’s what is important. Sometimes you gel with certain people more than others but that’s just a natural soul tie or connection.
You’ll find what you need and want but don’t settle out of desperation. It’s really not worth it. It almost always leads to more unhappiness in the long run. Dont force yourself to kiss friends either lol. It is either there or not. Sometimes the attraction can hit you all of a sudden but if its not there and you don’t feel the desire to lips then don’t force it to create something that’s just silly.
I’m here if you need a girly chat x
If you focus on you and other things you already have that are good, you’ll stop thinking negatively and pessimistically that you’ll be childless. Its timing, you have to trust it and in the meantime enjoy things that make you happy, having a child is a huge responsibility. Enjoy your singledom whilst you have it! It will happen.