Forum Replies Created
October 7, 2020 at 8:36 pm #367664
@Kkasxo – Happy belated birthday wishes to you!
@Sammy doll, I’ve come on very late in the night to express my deepest apologies. I made a commitment which I can’t fulfill. It was very shortsighted of me to commit time and raise your hopes of regular correspondence only to withdraw it so soon. My partner has had some personal circumstances arise and it is my turn to step up for her. I have to respect my limits and need to pull back and not overstretch. I’m very sorry that I will not be posting as I just do not have the capacity to right now. I do not know for how long I will be away from the forum therefore will not make any further promises which may disappoint. I hope you understand. I wanted to offer an explanation.
Whatever choice you make Sammy, there’s no right or wrong. Take your time and don’t forget you are strong and will overcome any hurdle as long as you keep fighting. I hope @Shelbyville and the rest can keep your spirits lifted and aid your decision.October 5, 2020 at 3:24 pm #367591
Very pleased to hear from you, I knew you just needed space to recentre yourself. You are a courageous woman, fighting addiction is a war. The many mini battles along the way will try you and we are all human prone to mistakes. Please do not be so harsh on yourself. You are doing great!
I do not believe you have been selfish at all, you offered to help me equally as much as @Shelbyville, @Lucie and others on this forum. You all showed a great deal of understanding and compassion for Rupert’s loss, which I’m grateful for. Thank you.
Sometimes we can not make ourselves immediately available to others due our own emotional exhaustion, I understand that. The mark of a good person is when they are in a better space they will reach out, you have done so. Do not carry any guilt. It is a useless emotion in this case.
Proud of you for continuing your efforts to stay sober. As long as you don’t give up. You’ll reach your goal! Well done and kudos for keeping up the good fight.
I’m tapering off my dose, so will be slower to reply, whilst acclimatising back to reality. I’m still wanting to correspond but I know you get a little unsettled when it is not regular replies, so I will attempt to regularly reply on Monday’s as a minimum for you. I’m glad some affection from nearest and dearest has pulled you back from the brink. You are loved. Do not forget that when spiralling.
@Shelbyville has rightly commented there will be no judgement if you decide to contact your ex. We can advise so you don’t face the pitfalls we did but it’s your own choice. I think @Shelbyville will agree whatever the decision you’ll still take away from it, if not now, further down the line. It is all growth.
Contacting exes can be a minefield and complex at times. Sometimes it does wonders and can aid healing if you contact mature individuals, other times it sets you right back and hinders progress.
You have to be prepared to deal with new emotions it may throw up. You will not know how the other person now feels or how they will react. Feelings can change. There’s no right or wrong and you have to do what’s best for you.
The naysayers will always say someone without self worth reaches out to an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason and any attempt of contact is always an attempt to reconcile.
However, there are so many variables, I can list a handful of reasons I have reached out without wanting reconciliation.
GUILT – from ending a relationship immaturely
ATONEMENT– Ashamed of a bad phase, hurt a few women unnecessarily. They were gracious enough to forgive. It healed me and I restarted my love life with intent.
NOSTALGIA/CARE– when a genuine emotional bond is formed. You’ll continue to care about the wellness of the other person. They will cross your mind from time to time. So I have reached out to make sure a one or two exes were doing OK in life and they are happily married. Now that I’m in a LTR I have consulted my partner out of respect and she is happy for us to be acquainted as she knows who my nature.
BOREDOM – I’m not proud of this but I’ve divulged in ego boosts during the bad phase of my life. The lack of real connection made me address my infantile behaviour as it ate away at me and I realised I was being inauthentic.
In all the above cases contact was good for me personally as it offered introspection on another level which led to who I am today.
Getting in touch with my first ever ex was a mistake. She never had the EI to understand me. I was in love with idea of her, but she could never meet my needs. Every contact was an with the intention to reconcile. I should have known it was irretrievably lost after breaking up the first time. Contact just cut the wounds deeper and I almost ruined my life through addictions etc. Eventually I chose to stay away and do no contact indefinitely. I care about her and if we crossed paths I’d happily greet her. She has no space in my life in any capacity, I see now she brought out the worst traits in me and reminding myself of that period of life is painful.
Just to flip the script, my current partner believe it or not when we met I was going through my player phase, but I felt a real connection, it excited and scared me simultaneously. She had the intuitiveness to see through my facade and was very compassionate and made me stay in good form. I was authentic with her which involved me being emotionally immature, I pressed self destruct before we had even had the chance to be together as a serious couple. She rightly walked away but did so compassionately.
I needed time to introspect, time to understand that pushing her away was out of deeper feelings for her hence the self sabotage and projections. Therapy really helped here and I gained a better understanding of my behaviour and emotions. I contacted her many month’s later only when I had done the hard graft, she deserved that. I also knew she wouldn’t accept anything less because although humble she was self confident and knew her worth. Timing and luck worked it’s magic.
At times for the right person it pays off to swallow your pride and contact them. That space where we both grew individually then reunited with intent made us the couple we are today and now I’m planning to propose to her. Therefore no contact forever isn’t applicable to all situations.
I hope therapy is going well for you. Pets are wonderful addition to family. Maybe you can have a dog one day soon. Their loyalty and companship is often better than a human can offer you!
Your feedback was very lovely. My partner would be elated with anything too. She isn’t materialistic but she has had an incredible impact in shaping me to be a better man and partner. I shall reflect the gratitude in my proposal by spoiling her rotten.
We have officially been together for 7 months as a couple. I have known her for almost 2 years in which there was a significant period we had no contact. When we first met we only went as far as 2nd base, as a man I respected her more for this. Her intent was always committed relationship.
It isn’t the quantity of time you’ve known someone, it is the impact they have and quality of the relationship. In a short time she has had an everlasting change within me and always brought out the best version of me.
Happy 2nd Year to propelling yourself to become a better, stronger individual. You took a step to help yourself by posting on this forum. In the process you’ve saved many. Kudos to you!
A toast (Sammy don’t be getting ideas! It’s a cup of tea) to better days ahead, you’ve survived. Be proud and applaud yourself for the hard work you’ve done. Many would rather stagnate but you keep fighting.
It’s good to read you are feeling stable and anxiety has abated around your relationship and job for now. Anxiety is part of the human condition some of us are more susceptible. It is incurable but with the right tools it can be managed. If you need any help or insight, I’m happy to assist.September 28, 2020 at 10:27 am #367349
Thank you for your kind condolences. I couldn’t agree more pets are just like family sometimes even better because you get to choose them!! In regards to yourself you are aware of your pattern and want to work on yourself, that takes a lot of courage. Kudos to you for taking the approach to look inwardly and deal with your issues not many do that. This will help you tremendously as you’ve broken the first pattern of needing an immediate void filler. Therapy will take time and many sessions but to get the best out of therapy listen to the therapist but also use your own judgement and intellect. That is when you will become more self sufficient, strong and not passive to red flags. If you have doubts about your treatment or the progress you’ve made challenge your therapist, take up those doubts forthrightly with the therapist. If you are not making progress and continue to repeat mistakes or patterns, it means something is amiss. Sometimes it takes different method of therapy, different therapist etc. There will be bad days amongst the good but commit to self improvement and it will come. Good luck @Rhaenys!
@Shelbyville, your understanding of my loss reflected you must be an animal lover. Dogs really are a man’s best friend. Your father is lucky, I hope his dog remains with him for many years. I’m trying to be positive and Rupert would not want me moping, but it takes a huge readjustment. I miss the daily walks and the affection when I came home etc. It’s a new week, I need to keep pressing ahead with this new momentum to honour Rupert’s help during my dark phase and try not to get stuck in a new rut!
Prior to Rupert’s passing I was planning on proposing to my partner, after her incredible emotional support over this period, I feel even more sure in my decision. His loss and redundancy really took its toll to the point I’ve needed ssri’s again. I’m tapering the dosage now but I wanted some advice or ideas from the ladies so please do give suggestions. Hoping to feel better and make it special for her.
It is apparent some of your anxiety is arising from job unsatisfaction. Usually I’d say if something continues to makes you unhappy or brings unease it’s time to quit. Learning when to quit, for the sake of your own happiness is a key part of character growth. However, making this type of decision to quit a job for internal peace is compounded by the current climate and uncertainty economically. Unless you can secure another job that you are passionate about quickly or can afford to financially be off work, I’d say grit it and bear it for now. The stress associated with no income coming in and having financial commitments is heck of lot worse!
It’s good to hear your weekend has been great and your new boyfriend has shown through ACTION he is serious and ready for commitment. Meeting the parents this early is encouraging too. How does this make you feel? Has staying with him during the week now that you WFH and the commitment abated the anxiety? Have you now shared the mental health issues you deal with?
If you still feel you are going down a rabbit hole then it’s fear of something, look inwards, ask yourself some questions. You are the only one with the key to unlock the answers. I can give you prompts if you want that I asked myself in past relationships. The first one being;
What scares you the most?
Relationships are a risk. So if you enter one with an open heart you have already unwittingly accepted the risk of heartbreak. Scary? Believe me I know, especially when I’ve experienced an extreme reaction to a relationship ending but I also survived, as have you.Trying to control an outcome in a new relationship never works. Why? Relationships require two people. The only control you have is of your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It’s simpler than we think but we make it difficult because of the games and ridiculous advice spewed by “love gurus” which just encourages manipulation and the pretense of control.
Through your actions be brave enough to express to someone who you really are and that you want them. If they value you and want you they’ll reciprocate that action making you feel secure. If they don’t make you feel secure there’s a reason. The reason is never you are not enough. It is always because you are not the right fit together.
Time will always reveals what foundations a relationship or connection is formed on if they are shaky or built on lust the relationship will not last. The truth of the situation will always present itself. Don’t be afraid to invest some time but be aware and confident to walk away if needs are not being met time and time again.September 26, 2020 at 8:04 am #367268September 26, 2020 at 7:59 am #367267
@Shelbyville Very touched by your intuitive understanding and highly appreciate the sentiment, thank you. Do you have pets? It really is heartwarming when strangers (although I consider you all my TB crew now) are able to understand your grief and pain so well. Your words have uplifted me during a difficult time.
This thread itself serves as a constant reminder when caught up in our own storms that behind closed doors there are so many people suffering from their own battles and hurting, so I try to remind myself to be kind. To reach out to people with unexpected kindness. To invest in good people who have accepted me for who I am whilst encouraging and nurturing me further. It took a lot of growth to stop my heart hardening after my first relationship and not be selfish. Kindness was what healed me. Surround yourself with that doll, that energy will raise you. The anxious thoughts will allay.
If you need any help with navigating relationships. I’m here to help, I’ve been there and experienced neediness etc.
I think your therapist is right, dissecting a relationship so intensely in your mind can lead you to leaving before you have given it a real chance. The best assessment is always of your partners actions. So just step back and relax, observe his actual actions don’t be fooled by words. It is casual so act casually.
In regards to Sammy, she thought she needed tough love, but deep down she is caught between a strong mind and fragile heart. Like you said she is very astute however clearly needs time to confront her emotions, I hope she returns too and realises she has plenty of support and love on here and continues to fight.
Have a lovely weekend and walk amongst the nature. Thank you for your words, it’s amazing how a reply or reaching out can touch a soul. Takes a few minutes but is priceless.
TimSeptember 25, 2020 at 6:00 am #367219
Wow, I feel overwhelmed and deeply touched by your message. It appears you like things balanced although I expect nothing in return that is a wonderful quality which shows your gratitude and awareness. It will stand you in good stead and keep you moving. That message alone has balanced the books, so thank you Lucie. It was very thoughtful and kind of you.
It has also made me realise I’m not quite ready to give back and deal with the additional emotions associated with this forum, I’ll keep reading and reach out if someone is in desperate need of help but I’m still too devastated. It may seem odd to most but Rupert’s death was unexpected and he was very much my anchor especially during that dark phase of my life. His loss hits me harder as the days pass. Please do not worry though, I have a wonderful partner and family who understand and are supporting me. Your words have helped me tremendously during this time. It is heartening to read there has been some light cast in your journey, keep following it doll, it will lead to better days. The St John’s Wort you mentioned is something I will look into, it may help to taper of this current emergency dosage sooner rather than later. Thank you, you are full of pearls of wisdom. You are not defined by your trauma. It may be a part of you but it is not the whole of you.
Kudos to you for building bridges with your mom, you’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river so it’s good in life to not burn bridges with the people who may have made mistakes but when all is said and done still love us, kindness builds bridges not walls. If someone is putting in the effort to reach out to you accept it with humility.
It’s OK to make a retreat so as to advance better. I will try to be here hopefully if and when you choose to return. Recharge those batteries, i know you gave the courage to fight. Thinking of you.
I would like to think with growth I have an objective and fair view, but being a man I can be direct at times. I genuinely do not believe you said anything out of turn, Sammy just needs time. She is self aware and she she will return if/when she wants, if not do not carry any guilt. It is unnecessary in this instance.
Life is cyclical, sometimes you unfortunately get stuck in a rut again but it is important to take lessons from experiences to not repeat the same mistakes.
I wasted a lot of time on a past relationship trying to make it work you can read my previous posts for an in depth insight. The signs were all there pointing to the obvious demise. I stayed too long. I prolonged my suffering. However, I do not regret it in that instance as it was needed to make me stronger. To repeat that mistake now would mean I learned nothing, but I did the hard graft and it’s paid dividends.
You seem to be repeating your pattern very much like @Shelbyville. The reason is because you have not done enough work to discover who you really are, what you actually need in a relationship and how to really love yourself. Society and social media feeds us with the narrative that in order to be worthy we must meet certain standards we must be married, have children, have a high salary job etc in X amount of time. It adds pressure, whilst chasing that we fail to sit with ourselves, we fail to appreciate and love ourselves. Instead we berate ourselves for not being where others are. We compare, we become ungrateful and we lose ourselves in the process. Then we search for something to fill that void be it a relationship or another vice.
When I first met one of my partners cousin who is of a similar age to yourself, an extremely intelligent woman with high flying career, beautiful, kind and humble very much like my partner. I made the mistake of asking her why she was still single and if she felt her biological clock ticking. After the initial glare that almost pierced my soul. I remember exactly what she said;
“Tim, I have had the heartbreaks. Each relationship made it even more clear that I was worth more than I’d allowed myself to have in a relationship. I’m content being alone it affords me freedom but if someone wants to be a permanent part of my life and create life with me, I have learned they have to enhance it. Meaningful companionship is essential but my life is still fulfilling and valuable in the absence of a relationship. Even with past experiences I’m open to it, I simply am yet to meet him but you’ll be very mistaken to believe whilst waiting I’m going to waste my days worrying trapped by dogma, no Tim, I’m going to live my best life.”
That short interaction exuded so much positive energy it rubbed off on me. Surround yourself with the kind of people who encourage a positive change in one’s behaviour especially when the chips are down.
That is proof if you have high self worth, you will always remain true to who you are and love yourself regardless of your circumstances and where you are on the “timeline”. You can still feel fulfilled and walk away from relationships that are unfulfilling with the belief you will be content and a better future awaits.
You attract and want to keep what you believe you deserve. If you have low self worth you’ll stay in very long relationships as you have but they will all end as they never met your needs. Your values were never aligned to begin with. You stayed to fill a void.
So I think if you commit to therapy, look into codependency, attachments and practice self love you’ll learn to let go of being in love with the ideals in your head, you’ll break the pattern of negative loop feedback and seeking relationships as a form of validation of your worth.
Instead you’ll manifest it when the timing is right. When you are in a relationship you’ll make wiser choices and choose someone who actually enhances your life too. At the moment you are living in fear. Fear of losing someone. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved so you end up settling or choosing the wrong ones. Etc.
That is no way to live and will just make you more sad and more anxious.I’ve been there. Believe in yourself and enjoy life don’t be in a rush to be where you think society expects you to be. You will no longer court wastes of times – the ones who play push/pull games and make you fall hard with the electric chemistry, but don’t want to commit, the ones with ambiguous intentions, the ones with nothing important to say or add to your life, the ones who believe in so little who exist simply to entertain themselves through selfishness.
Be better, feel better from within and start appreciating all that you bring to your own life. You are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting and keeping. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. Then you’ll naturally find the RIGHT one if it’s meant to be, who cares, respects, support and cherishes the ground you walk on and hopefully you’ll be wise enough to not sabotage and throw it away.
Good luck Rhaenys, hopefully the others on the forum will contribute if you need further support.September 24, 2020 at 12:15 pm #367172
I will not prolong this discussion, I was just trying to give food for thought on how it came across and it may be something you wish to reflect on. I would welcome such feedback myself, we are all humans and capable of mistakes and improvements. If there was a PM option it would have been what I opted to do but it wasn’t available and after reading the response I felt compelled to reply, I apologise for offending you. I will refrain from commenting in the future to a post you have posted. Again not my intention to cause you any grief. Apologies.
@Moomin if you would like an alternative insight I’d be happy to offer. If I have offended you by interjecting I too apologise.September 24, 2020 at 11:51 am #367169
Thank you for extending your kindness, I appreciate your time to respond. Empathy was needed, which can be hard to accept as a male when you are expected to be so stoic due to society’s standards. However, with some time out, I feel I am getting to a better place. Again thank you.
TimSeptember 24, 2020 at 11:45 am #367168
I clicked on this thread as I thought it was the one I normally post on, having replied on the original thread I felt compelled to reply here too. I have a huge amount of respect for the time and effort you put into your insightful posts however, I feel the above post by you may be shortsighted.
As you probably have read, I have had anxiety/issues from relationships. It wasn’t all rooted in childhood. Childhood does play a huge role in our adult behaviour however it doesn’t necessarily always mean our parents were harsh to us. There are so many other variables that condition us to become who we are. There are also many children who have grown up in poverty, war-torn countries, or absent parental figures who become well-adjusted adults. I think a broader approach is needed, a lot of what you wrote comes across as projection.
This is just my opinion. Just like the above is yours and the reader is entitled to decipher and make of it what they will. I just felt you were condemning @Moomin for disagreeing or coming to the conclusion that it may not be applicable. There have been many things I’ve posted in another thread that contributors do not agree with it, it is what makes different perspectives so valuable.
Just some food for thought.
TimSeptember 24, 2020 at 11:35 am #367167
Apologies for my absence, Rupert’s death has really taken its toll on me and I also have a lot of other things occurring simultaneously which has made me feel exhausted. I wanted to be in a clearer frame of mind to reply to posts. Doll you were doing so well, I gather you are no longer sober anymore? That’s ok, from my own experience I can attest growth is never linear, it has its peaks and troughs. You are always welcome to reach out for support on here it is the purpose of such forums, to seek anonymous support when you feel unable to reach out in person. There is nothing wrong with that. However, @Rhaenys has a valid point in the sense there will be a time when I or @Shelbyville are unavailable at the exact moment but I want to try and encourage you in your journey e.g when you cried out for help and ended up drinking because we didn’t see your message in time. Where was your buddy?
Come back on here when you are ready and we can talk, in the meantime flush down the remainder of the booze, and let’s start again yeah? You will get there. You have been giving very sound advice from what I read so don’t be hard on yourself but do apply some of it to yourself. I’m here to correspond when you are ready. Bare with me if I am slow, just acclimatising myself.
Not sure of your backstory but you have some very good techniques in place. Working on oneself before jumping into a relationship will do you wonders. It will address any underlying issues and make you choose better. Good luck in therapy and well done for taking that huge step despite your initial resistance. Hopefully, it will make a significant difference.
Sounds like things have been unsteady for yourself also. If you ever need that male advice, I’d be happy to offer my assistance.
Doll, I have been to therapy and enquired about PTSD so if you need any guidance, let me know. Reading your insights for Shelbyville was heartwarming and very articulate. I too assumed you were fairly young, however as a college graduate, the world is your oyster, keep up the good fight and change your life!
Looks like you and I have both been through the wringer, vastly for different reasons. However, I too had to go onto an SSRI for a month just to get me back on my feet after Rupert. So I completely understand, never feel guilty for doing what is best for your own wellbeing. Reading your posts this new guy has really created a mind fuck of his own. I will just say I have been through a tough few weeks but a caring, supportive, and loving partner by my side made a remarkable difference. So whether you are with a new guy or taking time out currently, always look for a partner who will show you that emotional understanding and maturity it has an immense change in your anxiety, wellbeing, and future life. I have been through different relationship patterns so if you need an insight do let me know. In the meantime, you too keep up the good fight, as long as you are willing to grow and not apathetic, change will come.September 8, 2020 at 2:45 pm #366374
@Shelbyville I saw your post after posting mine. I am deeply touched by your message, I couldn’t have described the importance of Rupert’s role in my life any better. The unconditional love and warmth pets bring is indescribable. Thank you so much for your support and love. I am humbled by this community.
I feel compelled to reply to what you have addressed to Sammy but I don’t have the capacity to articulate it. I’ll leave you with two quotes and I’m sure Sammy and the others will offer a more in-depth analysis.
If you have good self-worth no matter how much you like someone, when someone treats you like an option, you will help narrow down their life choices by removing yourself from the equation. It’s that simple. Walking away from someone who refuses to define or commit to a relationship will always be the right decision.
“NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY, WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION.”
Good luck doll
TimSeptember 8, 2020 at 2:18 pm #366372
@Lucie doll, I am happy to read you are seeking help outside the realm of this forum. I believe it will change your life. You are so brave, every one has a voice which deserves to be heard. There is more to you then your trauma. You expressed your thoughts to @Shelbyville wonderfully and deeply moved by the concept of time and attention. Something Rupert gave abundantly and unconditionally, we deserve that from humans too. When Shelby reads it I’m sure she will be touched.
@Shelbyville I hope the recent absence means you have managed to survive and are now keeping your head above the water and things have improved with work and your current relationship situation. Do let us know even if briefly how you are doing, reading your last paragraph was tough. I hope things are brighter for you.
@Sammy I am moved by the kindness shown in offering condolences by all. Thank you for your sympathy and support during this difficult time when I know life is not very rosy for yourself either currently. Your recent posts have shown so much progress, how astute and perceptive you are. Apply all this knowledge and stay away from the bottle. You’ll rise again and find better. Keep an eye on the others on this thread, it will keep you focused and offer overall growth as a human being.
I am devastated by my loss. Rupert played a significant role during my darkness and for him to no longer be in my life is a void I’m currently finding unbearable. I’m not ready to discuss his memories, they are too painful and only highlight the loss more. I will try my best to reply or help when I can but I apologise in advance if you run into trouble or a dip and I’m not available immediately.
keep going, keep growing, keep the spirit of this thread alive all.
Tim.September 8, 2020 at 1:52 pm #366366
I am deeply moved by your message. When I first joined this community you were my first interaction and helped calm my nerves. Thank you for your advice back then and for reaching out to offer condolences now. Rupert was a big part of my journey and he is dearly missed. I hope you are well and once again I express my gratitude for following my journey and expressing your sympathy. God Bless.
TimSeptember 6, 2020 at 6:09 am #366244
Lost my best friend, my dog Rupert. A lot of people will not understand the loss but part of me has died too. He was by my side for 14 years. I feel a pain I’ve never felt. I just need to get my head around it. So don’t worry. Keep encouraging each other @Sammy and @Shelbyville. When I get brief periods of respite I’ll respond as much as I can.September 4, 2020 at 3:55 pm #366185
@Shelbyville just saw your latest entry. Honestly, I sound like a broken record on this thread, where is your self worth? If someone the day before they are meant to meet me was treating me like that, I would not put up with it. Cancel the whole thing. People treat you the way you allow them to. To me, you are chasing someone who can’t even communicate what is bothering him, so not worth it. Call it quits yourself, move onto someone who wants to invest time in you. Better still invest time in yourself!