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Tim

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  • #371047
    Tim
    Participant

    @Sammy I’m ever so proud of you. Wherever you end up in life, I know you will grasp it and find happiness. Keep up the hard work and you’ll prosper baby sis!

    I will definitely book a 3D scan as part of a Christmas gift for my OH. A fantastic suggestion! Just some further news to share, I couldn’t be happier as we’ve decided to tie the knot in a small civil ceremony. Once the baby arrives we will organise a bigger wedding for family and friends (Covid permitting) and have a babymoon!!

    I’ve thoroughly enjoyed posting my advice and life experience and I hope you were all able to benefit. I hope I’m proof to you ladies men do grow up, I hope I’ve inspired those who have spiralled to never stop the work in progress because it all leads to strength and success. To @Danny I hope you realise with intent and focus it is possible to realise our innermost desires of being with someone who equally loves, supports and cherishes us. You’re a man now and I have faith you will be just fine!

    Reading all your journeys has been amazing and I feel you all will lead fulfilling lives as long as you continue to grow.

    I will no longer be posting, I just don’t have the time with the major changes.

    I wish you all the best @Sammy @Danny @Lucie @Shelbyville @Kkasxo

    Thank you for welcoming and allowing me to post in this thread @Shelbyville in turn I hope its helped you and many more.

    #370901
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny I’m glad my experience has helped however I feel I should put a reminder out there (@Sammy @Shelbyville @Lucie @Kkasxo ) that you are all very smart which is why I post and know you don’t hang on my every word. Instead you absorb what is applicable and reflect on an alternative perspective. My posts are to offer a viewpoint from the wealth of experience I’ve gained. I’m not a professional so it’s important if you need that help you do not substitute my anecdotal experience or life advice from that of a professional.

    To answer your question, you will ultimately do what feels right to you that’s human nature.

    I advised you to wait to say the words because ‘B’ seriously based on your posts comes across as a wonderful high quality partner, so to rush in and then go back on your commitment would be incredibly hurtful to someone who has clearly stood by you through a very rough period and gave you the momentum to make better life choices. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt again and I’m proud to read how you’ve approached this entire situation.

    You’ve come a long way from that ‘butthurt dick’ you thought you needed to be and developed into a young insightful man.

    You’ve shown courage in reaching out to ‘B’ and taking accountabilty in person. Facing your mistakes head on is hard.

    You’ve shown restraint in your sexual desires another sign of maturing. I know this is not easy but indicates self control and regulation of emotions and you are being respectful whilst exhibiting patience.

    All of your actions will be reflecting back your growth to her and I would be highly surprised given she’s introducing you to her family if she isn’t in love with you too. To be honest to take you back shows the depth of her heart.

    You’ve worked on your own self doubts and I think it is obvious you entered this new chapter with the right intent. It wasn’t to make yourself feel better, it wasn’t to feed your ego, it wasn’t distraction or to get the notch etc like you have done in the past. It was to form a long term union with a wonderful woman.

    You’ve demonstrated transparency and are communicating all your feelings even if they are negative with ‘B’ this is vulnerability. Forming an emotional connection with someone and feeling ease in their presence when doing so is a difficult connection to find. She clearly has a lot of emotional understanding. That is something which you need. This type of connection will just make your relationship stronger and when you eventually do the deed you’ll realise the benefits of it.

    If you genuinely feel she is the one then it is never too soon to say I love you. I firmly believe you do and are ready to commit for the long haul.

    The fact your doubts have disappeared and you’ve noticed the positive aura and effect she is having in your life is telling. It is true love and what I felt with my partner. My partner added happiness and that seeped into all areas of my life too. Improved my productivity, lowered my stress, improved my mental health etc.

    Most people seek out just the spark or butterflies but that phase is transient and you’ll only ever experience a shallow feeling of being in a state of love looking for that.

    What you have with ‘B’ is special. So my advice if 2020 has taught us anything is, never take anything for granted.

    If you have the type of person you describe ‘B’ as tell her you love her and marry her mate! Over Christmas meet her parents and ask her father. If she holds old fashioned views and is classy, her parents will only respect you more for asking for her hand sooner than later.

    I’m incredibly happy for you Danny, I really sense you love her a lot.

    #370545
    Tim
    Participant

    @Shelbyville just from my wealth of experience when a person over expresses I love you, it usually is stemming from insecurity. This is called excessive reassurance-seeking. I had a girlfriend that was very insecure and said I love you a lot to get reassurance from me and it was lovely to hear at first but it got tedious and festered into resentment. I’m as you know a pretty sensitive and emotional man too, but I am also of the opinion if you say it too much, it devalues the meaning. Which is why I advised @Danny even if he is feeling it to wait and just prove his love through his actions. Once he is 100% sure to say the words as it should signify that you are commiting to honour those words.

    99% of the time it is insecurity but there’s a 1% you might want to consider love languages. Either way if it is making you feel weirded out then you need to address it.

    If I think back to my first relationship where I needed reassurance from her I would end up being the one who said ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ far too often and it was coming from feeling insecure in the relationship and ultimately it ended.

    When I got back with my current partner although previously, I had a lot of self doubts about whether I deserved her etc. I worked hard on my own self worth and conquering my fears. When I entered the relationship with intent, the remnants of those fears completely evaporated especially when we exchanged ‘I love you.’ There’s no neediness or reassurance required, there’s a security thats how I know I’m really loved and in love.


    @Sammy

    I’ll be honoured to be your virtual big bro too! I’m so proud of the work you have undertaken and where you are in your journey. Letting go of something that has become so familiar is the hardest but it pushes you to get out of your comfort zone and will lead to you growing and excelling.

    This feeling of limbo is common after a major break up or life change and you need to embrace it rather than make an impulsive decision. Not knowing where you are headed next need not be scary, utilise this time to gain knowledge or attain a goal you always put off. Be proactive, bit by bit you’ll notice the movement and naturally find your new path.

    I know you are not jealous and I know you will find your person. You’re incredibly smart and self aware. The improvements you are making can only lead to you attracting better. So don’t give up hope, neither should you define happiness as being in a relationship. There’s many other ways to feel content in life and those with a strong self of self and high worth achieve it by being content with themselves foremost.

    Plum is growing quickly, Covid-19 has dampened the experience. Unable to attend a lot of the appointments with my partner but grateful nonetheless.

    I’m very proud Sammy that you’ve turned around your life essentially on your own. It took me a whole load of therapy and guidance to see the light and beat my addictions. So your strength is incredible. Stay away from the booze and you’ll thrive!

    #370438
    Tim
    Participant

    Belated birthday wishes for @Shelbyville wishing you a happy year ahead doll!


    @Sammy
    , how are you doing doll?


    @Danny
    , no problem bro may the force be with you mate and your relationship grow stronger each day!

    #370316
    Tim
    Participant

    Lula doll, by trying to answer all these questions of why you are leading yourself to place where more questions will arise. You will never be happy with answers because what you need to do is accept it happened. It can’t be changed and focus on what is best for you.

    I Your morals and values were clearly not aligned. He was aware of what he was doing. How can a person not see he is discussing sexually intimate things with a girl who is not his girlfriend? Like you said this was acceptable for him, so he felt indifferent to the consequences. In your case it made you feel emotionally closer to him as you obviously wouldn’t discuss things like that with any boy. He needs to grow up, learn about respect, loyalty and mature.

     

    You need to let go and not excuse or explain his actions no matter how much you love him. People do crappy things and sometimes it’s the people we love the most. You need to work on yourself, heal your unrequited love and see the lessons:

     

    1. Never allow anyone to disrespect you. You are worthy of being loved fully for who you are. You are not a side piece.

    2. You have a lot of love and capable of unconditional love. Save that for someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

    3. Sometime when we are loyal it is very hard to let go. However knowing when to quit is an important part of growth too. Now it’s time to part ways and heal.

    4. If he was your person none of this would be happening. He would have treated you with respect and not indulged his desires. He would have valued your friendship.

    5. Don’t let this stop you from achieving your educational goals and becoming stronger. With time and reflection he will realise his mistakes and make amends. You owe him nothing. He needs to redeem himself and that’s through self work and growth.

     

    I’m being blunt because I feel you need to hear it or else you’ll stay stuck in this denial. Accept what has happened and let go. You’ll blossom 🌸

     

     

    #370294
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny Hahah your post to @Sammy, bro be careful might land yourself in hot waters. Things can easily be misconstrued. However , understandable and just do your thing to relieve the pressure and focus on the LTR goal! You have a very good woman worthy of the struggle!

    Yes EQ is derived from IQ but I prefer EI! Really impressed you are doing some reading on literature around your emotions. It will help you tremendously! Message if you need anything,  slow and steady wins the race!

    I think I’ve said it before women can be fierce and independent but that natural sensitivity and fragility is to be respected and cherished. You make her feel safe and secure , you’ll reap the rewards too.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Tim.
    #370293
    Tim
    Participant

    Kudos to you for pulling through and focusing on your exam. Hopefully you’ll attain the results you are capable of and deserve.

     

    Lula doll, there seems to be an element of denial on your behalf. So I will be addressing this once and it’s down to yourself to accept and figure out.

    As a man who has not always been as evolved and mature as I am today. I’m telling you, he was aware of what he was doing. Did he at the time question his morals or loyalty to his actual girlfriend? No! He thought be could have his cake and eat it too.

    He feels guilty because he has made a mistake and hurt someone by leading them on and using them. This is deplorable, the more you accept this standard of behaviour and make excuses the greater damage you will do to yourself. Your self esteem has been hit greatly for you to still be trying to explain his inexcusable actions. This will be your own undoing if you allow it to have power over you.

    He only questioned his morals once presented with your hurt, otherwise he would have continued to take advantage. A mature, unselfish individual would be more self aware and have better values and morals to not inflict this on anyone let alone their “best friend.” So he may have aspects to him which are good but you can’t deny he has a lot of maturing to do and re evaluate his morals and values.

    I think you have expressed your pain. Now create the space. Cut him loose and focus on your future and studies. I will not comment further as there isn’t much more to add to my previous thoughts. You just need to accept it, which is hard but better for you in the long run. Good luck with your future.

     

    Tim

     

    #370173
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lucie I think I may have tagged you in error. There is another Lucie on this thread nonetheless I’m glad to read you are well. Wish you all the best in life!


    @Sammy
    doll, so lovely to hear from you! Thank you for your warm wishes, baby is a little plum and soon we will be entering the 2nd term. Really excited but how are you? Reading your strong words to @Kkasxo, I would also like to add I’m very proud of you too!

    #370011
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lucie doll I forgot to address your message, it almost got lost amongst the posts, do forgive me.

    Thank you so much, I’m still dumbfounded by the kindness of strangers although I do see this thread and its posters as a little community in itself now. I’m chuffed, I never thought after the very dark periods in my life, the spiral i took. I’d be able to live to see the day where I was in a really fulfilling and happy relationship. Perseverance and making the right choices,  surrounding oneself with the people who keep you moving towards better and are good for your soul, are KEY. Keep on growing doll and I promise you, you’ll attract good and learn to hold onto it too!

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Tim.
    #370009
    Tim
    Participant

    And just to add there is nothing wrong with Men crying or showing emotion. I suspect the lads you surround yourself with don’t help.

    Being able to distinguish and label emotions allows you to better regulate them, it is a step towards developing more emotional intelligence. A key skill many lack. The more you develop and evolve the stronger you’ll become.

     

     

    #370006
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny

    Bro there are a few things that are happening here, brace yourself:

    1. You are falling in love
    2. Suffering anxiety as you do

    How do I know? I’ve been there. It gives you a strange mixture of hope and guilt.

    You’ve found someone who accepts you for who you really are without the pretense we put up to impress others, she has seen the flaws, the weaknesses and has CHOSEN to be with you. It’s unreal right? It feels incredible! That my friend is REAL LOVE….

    …but at the same time your mind will do everything it can to remind you of why you are not enough for this special person. It will throw out the… “You hurt this beautiful woman. You don’t deserve her etc etc…” therefore making you feel dread too.

    You’re in a battle now and it’s with yourself, it’s up to you to overcome it, if you want a meaningful, deep partnership because if you get over this obstacle and let it develop that is exactly what it will be given your descriptions of your wonderful lady.

    I suspect during that initial 6 months when you were together the first time, you actually began to fall for her then subconsciously but were very unaware of your feelings because it got pushed down amongst your brain working overtime to sabotage as a way to protect you after what happened with ‘A’  and that’s why you ended up hurting her and believing you didn’t belong together. You know all this. You are a self aware and intelligent guy. So utilise that side to keep pushing through the self doubt.

    Now you are equipped with the knowledge that you care about someone else’s life more than your own and that’s why you feel sad for what you did. It hurts even more knowing you hurt someone you love.

    As @Shelbyville said we all are fallible and make mistakes, you need to forgive yourself, if that means taking a confession or making a spiritual connection with God to seek repentance than do that. She can’t give you the redemption, you need to find that within yourself.

    You need to also be aware ‘B’ will along the line disappoint you, make a mistake and when that happens its your time to show the compassion she showed you. That is accepting her, for her flaws. You have to CHOOSE her, don’t be afraid to.

    Falling in love mate is a beautiful thing you are being vulnerable and it will feel intense. This time the only difference is you need to get to a place where you believe that you truly deserve her love, her kindness and by offering her the same will help nurture an equal footing in the relationship.

    Don’t ruin it by running in abject fear again. Come on here myself,  @Shelbyville, @Kkasxo will be your guidance so you don’t spiral into self sabotage. Forgive yourself, it so clear you have someone very good for you mate. A person who really understands the essence of who you are and deep down every person craves that more than anything. So don’t throw it away because I can guarantee there will not be another chance with her.

    If you let this grow by spending time in her presence, respecting her boundaries you’ll realise more than the sex you’ll start to just want the comfort of her being close to you.

    Enjoy her company, let it flourish, take time because in my opinion saying ‘I love you’ should carry weight and be a commitment to accept and cherish that person no matter what. So don’t just say it as a grand gesture. Wait until you feel stable and have proven to each other in your actions that you really will honour those words.

    I have faith in you mate. Believe in yourself! You have more control than you think, each decision leads us down a path, don’t go down the REGRET route again or it will just prove you haven’t learned or grown from the mistakes you made with her before.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Tim.
    #370005
    Tim
    Participant

    @Rhaenys you’re very welcome. Glad I could ne of some assistance to you. Thank you for your warm wishes. I’m very much looking forward to this new adventure even if it means more sleepless nights!

    #369842
    Tim
    Participant

    Danny, I have high hopes for your new relationship, you know why?

    Firstly, I’m so impressed with your recognition for mine, @KKasxo @Sammy, and @Shelbyville advice. You are highly percipient and capable of self-awareness. That took me a lot of therapy sessions to achieve, so you should be very proud of the individual you are becoming. The offer to her for couple therapy is remarkable, you are showing in your actions you are serious.

    In the words of Freud “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways” This couldn’t be any truer, we can run from our insecurities and fears but never hide. So continue to tackle and deal with all your emotions, communicate your feelings no matter how silly, don’t let them brew and overrule you.

    Now us men we always have a plan when we approach a woman, and when we have been hurt we can develop the attitude all women are the same, we know we want something out of the situation because we have approached her. When we are confused and immature we will deliberately be vague in our intentions so “let’s see” is usually we are not ready for commitment but will gladly take the ride. When there’s no progress for the lady, we think we don’t have to accept any accountability.

    But you have a plan, you stated “let’s do this” and it’s a long term goal , you are focused on the win – you’ve made it clear you are going in for a serious long haul relationship, so you are accepting any accountability from the offset and that Danny is GROWTH, you’ve become a man! No confusion for her, you’ve set your intentions and willing to be brought to task by being honest, upfront and authentic!

    Treat her well mate, from your descriptions of her she is one amazing woman. She’s assured and intelligent for walking away when she did, much like my partner. A loyal confident woman is not afraid to ask for what she wants and give it some time but if her needs are not being met she will walk away if needs be.

    B is also very savvy and wise to not offer up the goods without the commitment even though she obviously cared and felt something for you! Again many girls make the mistake to attain the affection, she knows who she is and what she wants. Be good to her and make her your Queen and given her characteristics she will treat you like a King too.

    I got a lumbered with a sister ( I love her really) but it’s been nice playing the role of an older bro virtually, if you need any other man to man advice, feel free to contact me, I’ll try and get back to you when I can.


    @Shelbyville

    I had to congratulate you, what an amazing turnaround. Your boyfriend is obviously very serious, it must feel amazing to hear the words “I love you” given your journey. I’m incredibly pleased for you and I’d say focus on the warm fuzziness of hearing those words because you deserve to hear them, be excited for the adventure ahead together presumably you see it as a long term given age?  I know you really wanted this, so forget the family drama. Danny is right family will always come around. You’ve had a rough time so enjoy these magical moments of falling in love! Don’t let fear stop you from enjoying it! So happy for you!

    #369657
    Tim
    Participant

    Hello mate,

     

    Kudos to you for being brave! It’s not easy to do especially when you’ve faced heart crushing rejection in the past. You’ve just overcome a major obstacle so be proud!

    You need to give yourself some credit. You may have handled things very poorly before but you’ve put in the effort to make amends, better yourself and mature. The above posts reflects that in your actions. You really sound like a boy who has become a man. Someone who is respectful of others emotions, showing vulnerability and giving well wishes if the outcome doesn’t favour you.

    Over the weekend try and find something to focus on other than the outcome. Let her decide in peace, be confident if you are meant to be it will be because you’ve done everything possible and proactively. Whatever she decides is her choice. Her feelings are not to be minimised.

    You presented yourself well and the rest is down to fate. Don’t let it discourage the growth. Keep yourself propelling forwards regardless of the outcome.

    Given what she said, I’d say it really is 50/50. She really did accept and want you but she clearly is a woman of self worth and knows she deserves more. It’s down to her to decide if she wants to risk it to ascertain if you can give her more long term.

    I honestly believe reading your posts, you are looking to be your improved self but not willing to lose yourself i.e. beg, be a yes man or contort entirely for the relationship. That will make your relationship healthier and you more attractive to her. She is the same too, not willing to lose her values and accept less.

    I think you have a good chance mate, I really do. Fingers crossed for you. If all goes well let me give you some sage advice, man to man and based on my experience.

    You will need to build the trust, attraction and respect all over again. Don’t get complacent.

    I see resemblance of myself in you. We are both men with high drives. Great sex can sometimes create a false feeling we call love. It’s actually just an attachment to the other that can be strong due to the hormones released. To base a future decision on this is immature. You may think that’s what you need a test run, if you push for that with her you’ll wind up where you started causing her to feel used and disrespected.

    From experience, I would say, don’t consider it something that can keep a relationship together over the long haul.

    You two seem compatible emotionally and that is significantly more important. In many relationships there is great sex but the other parts like feeling understood,  having emotional needs met, being authentic can begin to feel starved when the sex/lust wears off. Incompatibility becomes an issue.

    So consider being each others support, sounding boards, etc more valuable. Building a strong foundation of friendship and then the other parts, you will not go wrong. I promise, if you connect in that way when you eventually do the deed you will be able to communicate each others needs to create fireworks. This is what mature adult relationships entail.

    The ones that thrive on drama and highs and lows always end. I speak from experience.

    If you need any other advice let me know however I will not be able to respond over the weekend. Don’t do anything foolish! Anxiety can kick in but just sit with it !

     

    Good luck mate👍

    Tim

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by Tim.
    #369574
    Tim
    Participant

    Just about to head to bed have an early start with work but I couldn’t agree more. I know I mentioned proposing but in the manner I did. I knew before any reconciliation I thought we could be a long term prospect and I committed to that goal. I think calling her on Friday to propose right away would be ridiculous:

    1. You need to clarify what she wants, then respect that choice. She may not even want a reconciliation so to thrust a proposal on her would be unfair.

    However, you have momentum so communicate openly about your feelings and be vulnerable. If she gives you a chance tell her you want to date with the intention to marry her, that’s what it needs to be by sounds of it to uphold her values. Follow it up by a proposal within 3-6 months..you will do this naturally if you are serious and committed to that goal. Bare in mind you will be starting a fresh you are not the same people you were when you first met, you have both grown. Hopefully that growth will make your new relationship stronger. Yet it is still a risk and even if you were to date and propose she may say no still.  There’s no guarantee so you have to accept that.

    Only reconcile if you are ready for a long term commitment and that risk, I think you are given your above post. It’s showing wisdom.

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