Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
- This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 2 months ago by Anonymous.
May 31, 2021 at 3:01 pm #380777
Oh em gee, @Tim1 when I saw it was a reply from you I couldn’t believe my eyes! You’ve made my heart soar today. Awwwwww, literally in tears! Congratulations on your baby girl. I’m not surprised she was eager she has wonderful parents she was looking to be held and cooed over by.
I always loved your sage advice and you continue to hold the same wisdom. Thank you for the reassurance and those who pass through this thread will learn the best lesson, life isn’t happy ever after but being yourself and not losing your essence is the key!
Sadly @Shelbyville @Kkasxo and @Lucie never reposted. It would have been lovely to have a conclusion.
@Shelbyville in the end found love with the guy we didn’t expect her to. Her last correspondence was around December so not long after you, she was going through major changes as a result of the new relationship and work. I too had hoped to hear from her but the lack of follow up I’m sure means she’s continued to be loved up and is happy so has no use for this thread anymore.
@Kkasxo still plays on my mind because she had Covid and was going to reply but never did. I hope she recovered and is thriving too!
You have also had a lot of change, so I’m not surprised you’re stressed, but like you said you made the right choice in partner and I’m over the moon for you, you could tell you were a great fit. You feel no what ifs so I have no doubt you’ll pull through and be an incredible father to her and continue being a great husband. I have so much I could ask you but I will just bask in this and allow you to settle into fatherhood. Currently, I’m glad I can proudly tell you I’m doing good too.
Thank you for everything you did for me when I was in the heights of insobriety and spiralling. I will treasure your precious time and kindness and send positive vibes for you forever more! If I had met you in real life, I would never let you go. Thank you Tim, you are an amazing person! A big part of my journey. Thank you for coming back and giving me the update! You don’t know how much it means to me to read overall the pregnancy was safe and you’re girls are home. I was so invested in your journey too! Kisses and love to your bubba! 💕💕💕💕
Only because it’s you @Dannydan I’ll waive the fee! Lol
Hope you had a great Bank Holiday! I’ve been super busy so sorry about the late reply. The long weekend and weather has been so much fun. I went to my besties for a garden party with friends, and I may have given into the booze. The atmosphere and vibe meant it was too hard to resist, we all got pretty drunk but it’s safe to say after today’s hangover and learning of my shenanigans I’m not going there again even for social. Bf was amazing, he hardly ever drinks because of his job and he treats his body like a temple, so he was very comforting and sobered me up pretty fast this morning. The most embarrassing thing is I said a lot of things which I have no recollection of and my bestie revealed in a video. Cringe alert! I was singing shoutout to my ex and said some very lewd things about her brother which I will not repeat on here. True emotion really does come pouring out when drunk, I shudder to think what I could have said if I felt differently 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Since sobering up I’ve been reflecting on how far I’ve come from last year, and seeing Tim’s message has really made my day. I made all the right choices since doing all the inward work. I never thought we would be here! We did it Danny lol! You’re tying the knot and I’m finally happy with who I am, found a relationship where I feel excited, challenged and accepted. Like Tim said hard work pays off, well done us!June 1, 2021 at 1:48 am #380790
@Tim1, I’m stoked to hear from you too. My own brother recently had a baby and I held the little fella for the first time this weekend. Insane feeling. I know as an uncle I can hand him back when it gets too much but speaking to my brother I completely understand how you feel. The sleepless nights seem to be particularly gruelling. You have a great partner, you’ll be totally fine as you support each other emotionally and physically so well. You’re going to make the best dad! Enjoy it mate they grow rapidly!
To echo Sammy’s words, thank you for all the input it really helped guide me to the best possible decision of my life. As you may have read, I was courageous enough to fight for ‘B’ and didn’t settle, found growth and nurtured that emotional connection first over the physical. I will no doubt have an amazing physical experience as a result and both very excited. I have had a few hiccups but I’m going to therapy and it’s made me finally deal with all my feelings. I’m working on making amends with the betrayal. I have found courage to admit to myself I suffer from the blues more deeply in form of depression. I would be very grateful to know does it ever completely go away? Sammy has followed in your path and been a tremendous help and guide to me.
I return the well wishes in tenfold, may parenthood be the making of you!
@Sammy1 ahaha thanks I’m working on the idea already!
Should get the survey results back this week now the bank holiday is done. Keep your fingers crossed all goes smoothly.
I had a great Bank Holiday weekend too, was introduced to my nephew, he’s so cute! B and I were very broody, seeing her with a baby in her arms made my heart melt. But we both just looked at each other and knew, on our journey back to London we discussed it and agreed to enjoy the freedom of no responsibility once married, rather than rush into baby making. Indulge in the thrills of the missed physical side just the two of us and really enjoy the adventure. Needless to say we just can’t control the itch for much longer ahaha. I hope Boris doesn’t have any other stupid plans up his sleeves. Just weeks away!!!!
I can just imagine your drunken behaviour. So you’re a sentimental drunk! I always pegged you as the crying type ahaha. I’m sure your bf wouldn’t mind hearing your explicit thoughts though! It’s okay to drink you know, as long as it’s not a crutch. Maybe limit it to social so if you do give in on the odd occasion, you don’t feel guilt ridden after. Although at a certain age the hangover is just not worth it!
I agree, well done us. We took the long road and really did a lot of inward soul searching before rushing into a relationship and it’s paid off. Who’d have thought we’d be here!
I’m going to give it a few days to see if @Jay2023 responds with his update, if not my next update will hopefully as a married man. Please keep fingers, toes everything crossed. I have a therapy session this afternoon, didn’t fully adhere to the task set but today I’m hoping to tackle the betrayal and best way to heal that.
Thanks Sammy you’ve been awesome mate, I’m an @ away if you need me. But I think you’ll be just fine , so enjoy the early butterflies and don’t let this drunken night derail you in anyway.June 1, 2021 at 11:06 am #380820TimParticipant
@Sammy1 I appreciate your understanding, unfortunately this will be my last post, at least for the foreseeable future. I do not have the time to dedicate or to really offer a listening ear and wisdom in the way I would like.
Very proud of you doll, you did the hard graft by yourself. You really showed grit and determination to overcome the pain and not let the critic we all possess beat you down. You are capable of remaining true to your identity, and are looking to add to your happiness and not seeking happiness in someone or something! Kudos to you! I know you can only soar higher from here.
I hope the new man in your life continues to cherish the wonderful woman you are. Sounds like a gent!
Thank you for that update, I’m sure @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville are both doing great so try not to worry, focus on channelling that incredible caring ability and compassion on yourself and those who do remain present.
@Dannydan Kudos to you too for the courage you showed in pursuing ‘B’ against the odds. You can live a life without the what if or regret. It takes incredible strength to admit you need help so you’re already leaps ahead than most.
Oh the sleepless nights are tough not to mention the cost of nappies and formula! Expensive raising a child, however I’m blessed with a beautiful daughter and wife so remind myself to be grateful.
I don’t have much free time sadly but to answer your question without creating more. Depression has no cure, it’s not something you just outgrow or treat once and it disappears. There is always that risk of having another episode as you are predisposed. For example when I became redundant although i was better equipped at handling my emotions due to growth, it was still overwhelming enough to cause another episode.
If identified, it is treatable, so I took the right steps instead of ignoring the issue and was put on medication for short duration. I now also keep on top of my self care.
The major factor in my treatment plan has been my partner, she has an innate emotional understanding, she just makes any episode less daunting and is capable of handling it without me fearing asking for help, she will never consider me weak, so I never feel the extra pressure to hide anything or put on a mask – this itself can be so draining.
I’ve found someone who understands it’s a part of me and is able to support me. Most often she can detect it before me and it all makes a huge difference. The key thing is not to just take and learn self sufficiency, do everything possible to be a rock for her, appreciate and value your partner that when the going gets tough they can give extra if necessary. So it works. Someone who accepts you will not be afraid to speak or explore your darker side. I think you’ve really found that with ‘B’ so don’t worry. Just keep it balanced.
Sammy and Danny , shine bright and all the best for your journey. Practice gratitude, humbleness and continue to challenge each other to grow. Pleasure to have encountered you both!June 1, 2021 at 11:21 am #380822
@Tim1 I have so much love for you as a person! Wishing you the best of the best. Thank you for everything. Your insightful essence and wisdom will not be forgotten!
@Dannydan Sure thing! I have everything; my fingers, toes, knickers 🤣 all crossed for you! Please please do post an update and make sure you tag me. Feels like leaving school! Going to miss our random chats but I think we are both in a good headspace and that’s what counts. Stick to the tasks your therapist sets, you’ll progress quicker. Take a deep breath on the wedding days. Don’t let anyones stupid jibes ruin your day. It’s about you and B. You found your way back through courage so carry that courage to savor every moment. I wish you the most beautiful day, please do reply with how it all went. I’m dying to hear. Take care 💕
@Jay2023 don’t know what happened but I’m here just tag me. I’d love a conclusion to your journey too. I hope you are doing well and the exes birthday didn’t throw up too much mixed emotions. Always here xJune 2, 2021 at 1:35 am #380854
Ahahaha @Sammy1 you are hilarious! I will be back with an update. I promise. A lot to juggle, haven’t even got my suit yet eek that’s why I can’t post regularly even though you’re a good laugh and always keep me grounded! You look after yourself and don’t be getting too drunk and randy!
@Tim1 you’re a legend. Thanks bro for the honesty. I will invest in self care as I don’t want to over burden ‘B’ but like your missus she’s golden and has that natural ability to make me feel understood with her experience and emotional intelligence.
She isn’t looking to change who I am. She makes me grow through inspiration and no judgment, I don’t feel the desperation to appease to keep, like I did in my previous relationships. So I’m not going to worry too much about a possible episode, she’s got me. Good luck for the future, you’ll make a smashing dad!
.@Jay2023 leave an update bro even if you don’t want to talk just so Sammy and I know you’re okay at least
@Rhaenys hope you’re doing okay and focusing on you and not worried by the recent guy. Don’t go looking for something to fill the void, let it find you. You have done a lot of inner work too so it will pay off. I’m sure of it. Good luck!
June 2, 2021 at 1:41 am #380856
- This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Danny.
@Jay2023 didn’t @ you properly above. Good luck bro. Speak soon. Really hope things are calm for you.June 2, 2021 at 2:41 am #380857JayParticipant
Hello guys, I hope everyone is well, to let you all know I’m in a much better place mentally and a lot more content with life now. Last few weeks with things adjusting to a new normal and been able to reconnect with a lot of people, I feel like I’m getting back to my sociable self and able to laugh and joke without feeling any sadness.
My exes bday did pass and I decided to not contact her, I feel now its firmly in the past as enough time has passed that’s its better that way, also the way I feel about the way I was treated and made to feel over the last couple of years I would rather just not have any contact anymore so yes tonnes of progress made with the mindset and nc has ultimately helped me move on in a reasonable amount of time, I have seen some pictures on SM and not to sound shallow but I feel I’m not as physically attracted as I was, nearly every person I’ve seen has said how well I look which has been brilliant for my self esteem and confidence and that I’m going in a good direction.
Danny and Sammy you was quite right there was a romantic interest that came about! I met someone through a friend and have been chatting and spent some time with her, it is a complicated situation as she has not long split up with her ex and she is clearly not over him so at this time I’m being firmly grounded and not having expectations but have been comforting each other in how we’ve been affected by our previous relationships, it’s also clear there is chemistry and attraction. It has done me the world of good because she is an attractive girl and has a very kind nature and has helped me realise that I can like someone as much as I did my ex and also with this person I can be myself and be liked for who I am rather than trying so hard to seek approval. This may not work out and that’s OK because I do feel this has been a key moment in being confident enough to move on and not look back.
The therapy still hasn’t materialised lol, I feel I may not need it as much as I did but I’m still going to go ahead because I don’t want to remain on the medication forever and I know it will help me in preparation for when I do eventually come off of them.
So I’m sorry I’ve kept you all in suspense for a long period of time! I guess with the way my feelings have been changing I just wanted to let it happen without over analysing things but I am a lot happier in myself and not feel I need someone to provide that for me, work has been a lot more relaxed, lots of early finishes in this lovely weather!
Honestly reading through and seeing the tagged posts to see how I’m doing I feel overwhelmed with the thought and care especially after being absent over the last few weeks.
I hope Danny the wedding goes to plan and you and b have an amazing day, good luck with everything mate, you deserve it! Sammy I hope everything is going well in your new home and relationship! And Rhaenys I hope all is well with yourself also.June 2, 2021 at 4:28 am #380859
@Jay2023 bro I’m so stoked you posted this week, I was going to log out for a while at the end of the week. Good to hear from you and great it is all so positive!
I knew it was another woman! Should have put a wager on it ahaha you sound confident, and self assured. Yes, that often happens when the feelings wear off, I look at my ex now and think was i really that attracted to you? It’s like their behaviour and actions make them ugly. She’s not to be fair but I don’t see that beauty in her anymore.
New lady sounds like a top lass. Kind nature FTW! You can’t go wrong with a golden heart. Mate this is just brotherly advice, tread carefully. From my own journey I can tell you ‘B’ and I had the same vibe, chemistry but the timing was wrong so she got hurt. The best thing she ever did was step back when she did it allowed space for us to come back to each other. I came back to her when I knew I was fully available and ready to commit to this incredible woman. She was gracious enough to give it a chance and we couldn’t be happier. So timing is just as important!
I was emotionally unavailable still due to my past, if this woman has recently split with her ex, let me tell you right now you’ll only be a rebound, crutch or a void filler until she’s dealt with the baggage and healed. If there’s potential for more then create some distance and remain detached otherwise it will get messy and you’ll both end up hurt.
I’d advise you to go to therapy, your feelings do change so get to the bottom of it so you can have the tools to cope and be the best version of yourself inside and outside of a relationship. I’ve found it amazingly useful.
Thanks for the wishes, keep everything crossed for me. Keep us on the loop bro, I will come back. Bask in the sunshine whilst we got it. Speak soon mate!June 9, 2021 at 5:59 am #381220
JAYYYYYY! You didn’t tag me so I didn’t know you had updated us. Thank you for posting so sorry for the delayed response! So nice to know you are feeling more positive!
It’s really good to hear from you we were very worried and also full of anticipation for your developments . How are you doing now? I knew it , I knew it you had someone make you realise how good it can be! Tell me more lol
I hope you are okay still , I know days can be up and down but I’m still here if you want to talk. If you’re all good then just let me know so I don’t look out for your posts xJune 10, 2021 at 3:23 am #381261June 15, 2021 at 3:17 am #381484
@Sammy1 or @Jay2023 do you still check your notifications?
Few weeks to go 🤞 Boris has given the go ahead. But I wouldn’t be me without drama! Remember that letter I wrote and put away well I regret writing it now. B found it and although she never opened it, she asked what it was. I could have lied but what basis would that be to start a new chapter? So I told her it was something I would prefer she didn’t read until after the wedding. After a bit of cajoling she realised it was making me feel uncomfortable and in turn this made her feel bad, I tried to reassure her but she was subdued for the rest of the day. There was only 2 weeks left to survive the events and the jibes have still been relentless especially when I had to do a recent fitting and made a joke, some of her extended family really can’t accept me for who I am and are very sneaky in the way they make the remarks without B realising, I don’t want to upset her because the contents will upset her. I do intend on giving it to her but not now. My therapist said that I’m lucky i have a partner who i can be so self revelatory with and really express myself, it’s a sign of a deep emotional connect that very few share, she said the trepidation was most likely surfacing from that damn FEAR based on past experiences. She is right, I can tell B anything, I mostly just naturally pour my thoughts out to her it’s weird and comforting, I feel a connection not experienced before. Family has always been a top priority for her and although I’m sensitive and it hurts. In my mind i don’t want anything to taint the magical experience for her it’s not even about me being afraid of expressing my concerns. What do I do? Tell her the truth, cause a divide which will hurt her or not say anything and still hurt her because I’m sure she now feels bad and is having thoughts?June 15, 2021 at 12:10 pm #381500
@Dannydan, I feel a little responsible as it was my idea! Sorry 😬😬
Your therapist is right, but I also think you’re having an internal conflict. And you must honour the conversation your inner self is trying to have with you. Listen intently to your brain, heart and soul to feel your way through what you may be trying to silence.
Because when you try to silence feelings that you feel shouldn’t be voiced or there, they have a funny of seeping out anyway.
Let me spell it out for you:
To anyone reading one thing is clear as the current blue skies; you love B deeply. You took time to discover yourself and your needs.
You and B share an intense emotional connect that drives the passion in your relationship too. You chose her because of her very natural ability to offer emotional support, understanding and non judgement, encouragement and you quite obviously share electric chemistry that things will only continue to soar for you two when you marry very soon.
You could have settled for the safe bet C or subsequent D – Z lol. But you chose to listen to your body, heart and soul and took the hard road and your one of the few who the stars aligned for and it paid off. You went back to B and fought because you knew you didn’t want to settle like so many do out of desperation to not feel alone, you knew deep down she actually met your real needs and wants. I don’t believe you are having cold feet or reservations about your commitment to her or needs not being met like so many people do before the lead up to their wedding or shortly after when the honeymoon wears off and that’s always because they’ve rushed in.
BUT what I do think is happening is you’re trying to silence your internal conflict. That’s why something as small as her reading the letter has turned into something big for you.
I think you don’t want to be perceived as the “bad guy”, you are afraid that if you upset her family she will love you less? You know family holds a special place for her so if you burst that bubble of hers you equate it to her automatically bursting her own bubble about you.
You don’t want to acknowledge the truth that you are pushing and placating for something that isn’t making you happy deep down. So stop ✋!
Keeping up appearances and trying tirelessly to be accepted never works. You don’t need the acceptance of the extended family either, chasing it will only hurt you more and lead to resentment within your own relationship.
B’s intelligent, she’s fair and I guarantee her love for you is strong but also not clingy. That’s a good thing because she will not appease for the sake of it to keep you around, she will always challenge you and you therefore will want to grow together rather than fall apart through resentment .B has always come across as a very emotionally intelligent woman,she loves you for who you are but is willing to confront things too like she did when she walked away from you. This is not something you should live in fear of but rather see it for what it is , you have strong woman by your side who loves you but also loves herself. Once she’s aware of the situation, and the extent to which this has been bothering you I assure you I think she will react in a way you’re not expecting and create boundaries.
I think it was beautiful you wanted to protect her , keep her smiling through her own battle and not add to her stress but don’t do it to the expense of your own peace of mind.
So my advice to you Danny is you can run but never hide. When we feel something it will remain there, it will fester and then seep out. So like you did when you decided to win her back just continue being fearless, feel your emotions and hear what your body is trying to actually tell you.
Give her the letter now. Say to her i would have liked you to have read it after but I trust whenever you choose to read it, that we will get through this as a team. Then the onus is on her to decide if her desire to know is urgent or she can hold off. What do you think?
I think it’s so sad that they are treating you like that. It could just be a culture clash but B should be aware so you can navigate it as a team. My friends have had similar issues with blended families it’s no fun. It would be easy for me to say it’s just you and her against the world but it’s not.
Just start your countdown and look forward to the big bang 😉
@Rhaenys @Jay2023 you both doing okay? I do hope you post again!June 16, 2021 at 1:46 am #381531
@Sammy1 mate I’m in awe at your insight and I think once again you’ve hit the nail on its head.
I definitely want to make it clear I do not doubt for one second my choice to commit the very reason for this was because I didn’t rush in, as I told @Rhaenys once it helps to weigh things up objectively and work on yourself first, I can say since I’ve been with B after we started on a clean slate, another woman or my ex hasn’t even come into my thoughts or onto my radar. Considering how red blooded I am that’s credit to B. She has me mesmerised!
I have had doubts about fitting into her life, I thought it would be easier. I didn’t anticipate i would be so affected by the jibes because I’ve never experienced it from someone who is an extension of the person I love. As a child I never was in with the “cool” gang was bit of a misfit but it didn’t hurt like this does because I wasn’t invested in those people. You’re right I’m scared to be rejected by her family and its easy to say only her and I matter but they will always be there and I’m being stupid, I’m scared of rocking the boat because of how much I love her, I know it is going to hurt her no matter what. It’s seeping out though, it needs to be addressed. I can’t keep pushing those feelings down because look what’s is causing.
I also wanted to avoid it because she has had a really rough ride recently, so didn’t need this, when she’s hurt , I weirdly feel more upset and hurt then when experiencing my own pain. I’ve never felt that way before for anyone, it makes me just want to wrap my arms around her and protect her and keep her smiling. However you’re right she’s a very strong person and keeping my real feelings suppressed is just going to boil over. Thank you Sammy you seriously should consider being a therapist. You really can see between the lines and get to the bottom of things. You’ve helped me so much. I’ll give her the letter. I still hope she waits until after as I can survive a few weeks but I don’t want to just survive anymore!
Oh and B is gutted we can’t dance with the guests and have to ask guests to wear facemasks and now carry out a risk assessment for some of the events. This Covid nightmare is never ending. Its dampened the whole magical experience for her. I’m going to pull out the stops for the wedding night. I have the keys and already creating something dreamy. I’ll keep you updated. I also want to say sorry if you feel I come and vent then disappear. After the wedding I’ll be happy to chat to you about anything. Thanks Sammy so much!June 18, 2021 at 2:15 am #381634JayParticipant
Hello Sammy! I hope you are well, I did go to reply a little while back but the txt got deleted whilst I was in the middle of writing a large response and anyway things have changed since. I’m doing really well in myself, completely moved away from that period of when I was struggling to get through each day without feeling down, a lot more positive in every way.
My job has changed and is a bit more hands on now than it was when I had lots of down time to reply which is great because I love to be busy and learn new skills, also I did have anxious feelings about whether i would have work after the last big job finished and it seems I have that for the foreseeable future which has made me feel a lot more secure.
I think the feelings for my ex have long faded now, I only have the odd curious thought of what she is up to but no longer feel sad about it, I now believe a lot happier times await me and I feel that in myself now, a lot more self belief and self worth.
I mentioned I met someone else who I took liking too and that hasn’t worked out, she’s still too far into her ex and although she liked me I knew she wasn’t ready to move on so I have walked away from that now, it was good for me because I had the excitement and buzz of meeting someone new but also I knew what I needed and recognised it wasn’t going to happen so I walked away before investing any further. I’m now at the stage where i can happily be on my own and work on my own goals without feeling lonely and dwelling on the past which is great!
I hope everything is well with you Sammy and your relationship and your new home, also Danny a bit disappointing about the postponement of the restrictions for your wedding but never the less I’m sure you will still have a splendid day!June 18, 2021 at 6:01 am #381635
No bother, have a fantastic wedding and be sure to update us when you can! I understand you’re busy. Stay calm, remain open and communicate. Don’t let the thoughts spiral.
Sometimes I’ve made up crap in my head by filling in the blanks myself without proper communication, you begin to imagine things that are not even there when in that cycle overthinking. We assume too much, relax and all will go smoothly. Have a great wedding Danny!
It’s great to hear from you! I’m doing not too good if I’m real. I asked my partner to move in with me and he said no. I made snap judgements. It refreshed all the old fears and stuff. I’m self aware and trying not to press self destruct. So trying to re centre myself and just retain my positive outlook with myself and watch my reaction. I’m alsk aware when I feel like this part of me still wants to reach for a bottle, to just stop it all. Then the very thought of this gets me further frustrated with going back on all my progress.
I’m starting to think how much can a person really change? Some habits never die!
Enough of my issues. Doesn’t it really peeve you off when you write something and it gets deleted! I’m glad to read how you are feeling recently. Well done you for not settling. I think you’ve done the right thing in walking away from her, when someone is hung up on an ex it’s better to leave them until they’ve resolved their issues.
Have you heard Dean Lewis- Half a man? The lyrics couldn’t be more true for this type of experience.
It’s completely normal to wonder how an ex is. Has she contacted you at all? Now you feel you’ve moved on, the question is do you think you care enough to be friends? Is that something you feel or are you happier parting because you feel indifferent now?
Have you got a new job or just a different role in same place? It’s great you have a focus and feel passion at work.
I’m loving this new self belief and love , what’s made you strengthen this belief? Have you had your therapy? Are your feelings and moods more stable now?
You are doing fantastic Jay, well done on your progress! X