Forum Replies Created
July 22, 2021 at 8:55 am #383215
Hello dear Anita.
Thank you very much for thinking and remembering me, that’s really nice and thoughtful of you.
Sincerely, I’ve read this and been wanting to write a reply, and thinking about what will I write, but really didn’t know how to sum up everything. I will write a longer reply this weekend.
Thank you again, I was really touched by your concern.July 22, 2021 at 8:48 am #383213
No, I have not left. I’ve been actually visiting this forums almost every day to check if they are updates or if someone posts without tagging me And of course I react to tags in my mail. I saw your lost post @Sammy before today as an big congrats to @Danny (as deserved, of course) so I didn’t thought you need reply.
I admit I also felt not wanting to bother anyone, so I guess I avoided posting myself about my life, since anyone else hasn’t posted updates after Danny’s big news (I know you two are great and will say I never bother you). And I’ve been having some good and really good days but also some bad and really bad.
I agree with Sammy, what you wrote to me is amazing @Dannydan. You both were of much help. I can’t express how grateful I am.
I’m in a haste today and tomorrow, so I will write a longer reply and update this weekend.
About one month gift.. you really are romantic Danny. I don’t know… I think you know her very well, better than us. I agree with Sammy. Maybe you could use message in a bottle idea now, and put that poem or thoughts or personal card inside? I’ll reply again if I get another idea.
July 1, 2021 at 11:35 pm #382260
- This reply was modified 3 days, 22 hours ago by Rhaenys.
I just read your post… Wow! Just wow! Congratulations!
I’m so glad everything went well, with your letter first, than wedding, and also the house and the first night together. 😀 I didn’t know when was the date of wedding, so I admit I was a bit worried, after the letter questions, why there are no news from you.
So I’m really glad to hear all the news.
How are the first days going? When is the honeymoon going to be, are you traveling somewhere?June 28, 2021 at 6:23 am #382065
@Sammy1 thank you for your reply.
It seems my cat is ok now. I really appreciate your understanding. It was more a false alarm I guess, but just the thought of losing him now crushed me. Of course I realize he’s not going to live forever and I did lose pets already, sadly. But he meant a lot for me last monts, and sincerely, I think it would broke me if I lose him too during this hard times for me. I really don’t know how would I handle another loss now.
I don’t think I have clinic or really bad depression.. But I guess I may have a mild one. I’m usually not a very positive person. For example, when I have a break up, I don’t think I will find someone better for me, but I tend to think I will never find someone I will like that much. I payed a psychotherapist last fall, and I spent a lot money on few sessions and wasn’t satisfied, and recently I had to buy a car so I can’t afford that again now.
Actually the way you describe your experience reminds me how I felt with my last boyfriend. I had a boyfriend before that, who was not treating me very well at the end. He was my first, and all my “firsts” were with him. And then, after also a few interests that didn’t work out (guys would fall for me, then retreat), I met my last boyfriend. And this did happen: “you realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind.” I met him and I forgot all my past, my exes in one night. I fall hard for him. I liked him much more than anyone else, and I was so happy and couldn’t believe how happy I am.
And yes, he was just my type in terms of looks. Not because he looks like a model, he doesn’t, but I thought he was made the way that is percfect for me and he was so funny and kind and I was so relaxed talking with him, and he made me laugh a lot. Some people tell me now it was just looks, but I know it wasn’t. He just seemed right. And he was really treating me so good and was thoughtful and kind and gentle at first (first year and a half), and I couldn’t believe that after last years with my first boyfriend.
I think I had closure, because I know he is young and not ready for the things I want. Also, I don’t think his reaction when he realized those difference after our talk was the best, instead of being honest and telling me that, he used the last months to get appart from me emotionally and then he broke up, and that was not fair to me. But I know what happened, I had closure. I just haven’t managed to found anyone else that I felt the same spark for later and that’s why I’m afaid I’ll have to settle. And I miss that a lot. A few guys that had potential didn’t show interest, and the ones that did, I did not see in that way. (This happens to everyone I guess).
And I want that feeling again. Feeling that I’m with someone who I think is the most wonderful and beautiful in the world (I get that feeling when I fall in love) and whom I would like to show to all of my friends an family because I think he is amazing. And I need for it to bi mutual , of course.
I get that those things take time, but I wanted partner like that since my early 20s at least. I cared for that more than work, money or anything else (and funny, I never had that much problems with anything else). I always prefered being partnered, and I don’t find much advantages in being single. I’m not a person who liked that, ever. And I did expect to have that at least in my mid thirties. Not because of others, I know I have my timeline, but that is my wish, my own, always was., I wanted to live with my boyfriend at least 10 years ago.
And now I’m in middle thirties, I even want kids now, but I’m living with my mom and brother and even don’t have my room. I don’t like my life now. And I can’t change that alone, because things that I want to change depend on having a partner. Yes, I could pay a lot money or renting appartment and living alone but that’s not what I want and don’t like living alone. I would really like to settle with someone, build a life, have a family… And I don’t want to travel with friends anymore, go out, drink and stuff… I’ve never liked that too much and I had enough. I have a deep wish to settle, and find my person. I also won’t have kids alone. I’m complicated, I know.
I guess I feel a lot like @Shelbyville was describing. Scared of ending up as a lonely spinster.
These days it’t been a bit better, since it’s summer here, places are opening, so it’s less depressing than it used to be during winter, at least it feels like there are some chances. I did have a nice weekend, went swiming, hang out with a lot of friends, so it was really nice and I am a bit better today.
How are you? How are things with your boyfriend, did oyu have a nice weekend?
I would love to chat and have girly talk with you.
June 25, 2021 at 12:50 am #381962
- This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
Yes, sometimes I do feel like the world beat me down. I remember all those dreams and thoughts when I was a child and I feel that somehow my life hans’t evolved like it was supposed to. You read me pretty good.
Thank you a lot for encouragment, I felt I need this. I don’t think I’m a person who can settle, I just can do that, so no worries about that.
Sometimes it feels like not many things are good. Ok, work is okay, but it’s not my passion at all, not even close. My friends irritate me a lot recently, I feel like they are really selfish or don’t understand me at all. And yes I do have a lot of free time, band I watch those tv shows, read books, I go to swins, walks, runs… But I’m tired doing most things alone or with friends who don’t understand me.. Maybe it used to be fun but I always wanted to do many of those things with parter, and it never worked out and now I dread it all. And it’s that, work and home. It’s all routine, routine I don’t like and I want more. I want passion, and I don’t have that for anything now and I can’t seem to find it. I don’t think I really enjoy anything this days, and the whole last year. How did you manage to find passion after break up, @Sammy1?
And last week I was afraid my cat was sick and that crushed me. I just cried. I felt like if I’m lose him now too I can’t bear it. I totally broke. Luckily I went to wet and he just seemed to need food change, and I think he is ok now. But just the thought of losing him now broke me completley.
Depressing post, seems that’s how I feel these days.
June 22, 2021 at 9:20 am #381794
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
Hello guys, how did the weekend go?
“I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.
The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself @Rhaenys alongside me, @Jay2023 and @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.”
Thank you @Sammy1 <3. I meant that I guess I’m bit afraid people won’t like me, or they will ignore me, and then I stop communicate because I feel ignored or unliked. But I think it’s connected to what you wrote too. And my reaction makes it worse, because I stop communicating / post rarely and then you can’t bond. Yes, I’m reading you for months all the time, but if I don’t post you can’t see me.
I also thought about what you wrote, the compromise. And in these worsds you found my biggest fear. That I’ll have to accept someone I don’t feel any spark ar attraction to have a family, to settle. Like, with a friend who I don’t find attractive or interesting at all. Whom I even can’t and don’t want to kiss. I’m afraid if I will find someone who I will feel attraction for, and who will be ready and want to commit and want family with me. Because I haven’t had much luck with that until now. (I also made some mistakes and stayed too long it those realtionships.) So that’s my biggest fear.
And I know I can’t make that compromise now. Maybe in 5 years if I’m desperate, but I doubt even then. I know I will be miserable forever if I do that and I won’t love that guy if I do that, because I couldn’t stand being with someone with whom I don’t feel it. However, I’ll be miserable if I stay alone and childless, too. So… this is the cause of anxiety and fear for me.
About what you wrote with spark, I know it may take time, bonding and connection, but it has to exist. And I understand you, it’s also hard for me to find friends. And I mean rela friends, not aquantancies, I have those a lot.
Thank you @Jay2023 for your reply, I’m glad you are much better now.June 18, 2021 at 9:31 am #381663June 18, 2021 at 9:29 am #381662
Thank you @Jay2024 for your kind words and for faith, that means a lot to me. Yes, you are right, seems like plenty of time, but sometimes, especially after relationships with guys afraid of commitment, fear and anxiety kicks.
Oh @Sammy1, don’t feel bad, I explained I also tended to run and don’t post more than to bond, so how can I bond if I don’t post and just read. But I read all the time since last summer.
I don’t think I really have a choice @Sammy1. I just can’t have a relationship with a person that I don’t find interesting because of his character and attractive. And with “attractive” I don’t mean only looks, sometimes person grows on you when you get close. But a spark of attractivnes has to exist, and while it’s not just based because of looks, it depends on that too. Or I can’t kiss him, not even mentioning everything else. So I don’t like when people say to me that “he just has to be good” because that’s not true. I have good male friends, that even liked me, but I can’t be with them, I would be miserable. That’s a friends, not a partner.
But I also want partner who will be my support, with whom I can talk and we can share our deepest fears and dreams, someone who will take effort to meet me and understand me and I will do that for him. Maybe that’s why I’m “too much” for someone. I realize now those are not my kind of people. And sometimes it takes time to see if you can do that with someone. I thought I could do that with my last ex, but it turned our I can’t. So that’s what I mean when I say “interesting”. I used to mean “similar or many interests and intelectually smart” but now I think something else.
So I don’t think I really have a choice . And I don’t want a perfect person, just a real one, but who will want the same goals (children and family) and will be willing to put effort if it gets hard. I realize communication is really important, so I want someone I can talk with.
Do I want too much? heheh. I don’t think I can’t be with a guy if I don’t think he has a potential for both.
So I’m not sorry I ended with tinder guy, as he didn’t really put much effort at the end or respected my time.
Thank you for understanding me @Sammy1 , that means a lot.
@Sammy1, I agree with @Jay2023. I think you can enjoy your time with bf, and give him a reasonable time to see if he is ready for next steps that show commitment. You are not together for much, so maybe it is a bit too early for him. If he still have you support and understanding and didn’t just shut down but reassured you, that is wonderful.June 18, 2021 at 8:00 am #381629
Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.
First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.
@Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.
@Dannydan, I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?
I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.
How did it go?
@Sammy1, you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?
I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.
First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.
Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.
I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.
I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.
So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.
I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.
Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.
Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.June 18, 2021 at 6:32 am #381638
I just wrote a post a few hors ago and it’s awaiting moderation. So waiting for that. I’m not sure why, that happens often to me here, I’m not sure if I’m doing anything wrong or it’s because of my language mistakes.
So I’m just going to reply to new posts, to respect the moderation.
@Jay2023 I’m glad you are better and everything is well. Also I’m really glad and you should be proud of yourself that you choose not to pursue realtionship with someone else if she is not ready. However it seems to me that situation has helped you to get over your ex a bit so that’s positive.
@Sammy1, I’m really sorry. Are you two okay? Did he said why he won’t live with you, he feels it’s too early?
I think it’s normal that old fears arise, although do you recognize you are already handling it a bit differently this time? It seems to me you are, and this is a big step.
I remember your reply a month ago, whan I asked you how did you let yourself enter new relationship and be vulnerable again, and you are so brave.
May 18, 2021 at 1:40 pm #380038
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Rhaenys.
Hello. I really loved your last posts here.
@Dannydan, I must admit I haven’t liked you at first, expecially since I’ve felt I experienced from my ex a bit similar like you described you did with B. But you grew on me, a lot. I really appreciate your posts here, and I admit I like you. And.. all those things you did because you were hurt before. And now that I read your posts and you mentioning how you were annihilated on other forums.. I’m really glad posters here had heart and acceptance for you.
I think both you and @Sammy1 are wonderful here, trying help Jay and me.
I think that break up and rejection hits us hard. We all have some issues, maybe some more some less.. But those of us who want partner and companionship, and who were the ones who gave more… it hurts us. I think that happened to Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Tim, and all other posters, including us for here now. I’ve been reading older posts, and everyone mentioned same things about how they feel, mood swings, better and worse days,”I’m afraid no one will love me again”. Actually I’ve been reading your posts from last year Sammy, and the changes you went give me hope, I really admire how you did it, you are so strong.
I also really felt I found myself in Danny’s words today:
“The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum.”
And I’ve been mentioning all this because I think this is some parts is normal after breakups, especially for those of us who want to be partnered and have a family (I specifically remember Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Jay and me mentioning that, and mentioning our age – as this is bothering me a lot). And sometimes I feel like we who suffer so much have problem with ourselves, like we have to fix ourselves. And yes, we can always work on ourselves, to be better, more open and vulnerable.. But we are not broken. (There is actually and article on tinnybuddha today about this: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-life-changing-insight-you-are-not-a-problem-to-be-fixed/). Because sometimes I get a felling we are…But I think the point is to accept who we are and what we feel, not to “fix us”. And I think we are worthy of love and much better partners then we had. Some pain after breakup, if we cared is normal, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves because of that. (I think it’s another thing if it lasts for years and years).
So that is my message to @Jay2023 and all of us today… As maybe my English language skills are in my way so I can’t express myself the best, I’ll qoute that article I mentioned from today:
“The truth is…
You are not a problem to fix.
You are a human to be held.
To be held in your own arms and loved into wholeness.
Take care of your human.”May 17, 2021 at 12:53 am #379959
Thank you for your advice @Sammy1.
I read and thought about your post. You may be right, I had some fears. But I did tell hem my fears in the beginning, and also how I felt about our problems when trying to agreed to meet. I was sincere one, and didn’t play games. And yes, he was letting me down in communication, last month, also letting me down when we tried to agree for a meet, and actually a few times. (For example, even when he knew he wont be able to make it, the first day we tried to agree, he didn’t communicate it immediately, I had to wait for hours for his reply.)
Also, when I tried to get to know why is this change happening, he was evasive and he always ignored or changed the subject. I was sincere and told him about my hesitation at the begnining, he didn’t even have to ask. So… I think I was open and vulnerable and he wasn’t really completley sincere and communicating with me.
I’m not trying to say it’s his fault and that he was leading me… Not at all. I’m not even mad. Maybe he is just a good guy, and we had a misunderstanding. But we obviously have different ways of communcatiog and his ways make me anxious. So I don’t think that situation was good for me, as it wasn’t feeling good. I realize as I have been hurt, and if I enter a new realtionships, or just start dating, fears will arise (and they did). But his behaviour was making them really worse. I don’t think that’s good or healthy for me.
I admit after what’s happened, I’ve been a bit more sad this weekened. Also, one friend whom I said what happened was mocking me a bit, saying I was overacting and said a comment about how other people she knows now have dates or have found boyfriends during pandemic and I don’t even have a date.. And I’ve tried to help her anytime when she says she has hard time at work (and she says that every week). So when you try to help someone and then get this reaction when you need supprt, it makes me really disapointed and angry actually. It’s those problems with friends I’ve been mentioning last week, now again. Actually I’ve been reading older posts from this topic and I’ve found you were having problems with friends @Sammy1 too, when you were in crisis.
So I had a lousy weekend, and was being home and sad a lot. After what was happening with my friends I wasn’t really in a mood for hanging out with them, so I was home. My mom is and was always a big support, and I was a bit more calm yesterday afternoon and spent big part of day playing piano, I do enjoy that a lot. I think I’m really going to focus on friends that care and try to understand me, even if they are minority.
@Dannydan, that was really interesting post. I think from a few years ago, also after breakup, I read about all those attachment styles, and all the things your therapyst explained to you.
@Jay2023, how was the weekend?
May 14, 2021 at 12:53 am #379868
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Rhaenys.
I’m sorry you had few bad days, and also that your friend problems are worse. I think you can always come here from support, both from @Dannydan, @Sammy1 and too. Actually, I think Sammy would be happy if you tagged her, she wants to help you and care.
Sometimes when I read your posts, some things sound like I’ve written them. I experience the same, better and worse days. Actually, at the beginning, near after my break up, it was worse, I think my feelings was stronger, especielly in worse days. Now they don’t have such intensity, but they do exist. I also totally feel what you said about work, I feel like not going and taking a break, and then I take a day of work, and it is acutally worse.
I guess we have to be patient, try to see how we feel and accept those feelings, and maybe find some things we like to do, our passions. I’m not an expert, because I haven’t still got over this phase, so I don’t know actually what to say to you to help. However I know we can come here and be supportive to each other.
Did your therapy start?
You mentioned negative spiraling thoughts in your last post. I think that we have to kick ourselves out of those negative thoughts that start spiraling and getting worse. You have one negative thought, and then you continue to dwelve on it and it goes worse, and after a few minutes of thinking just everything seems negative. So maybe we should change our focus when we have the first negative thought. Very hard to do, I know.
May 13, 2021 at 5:16 am #379774
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Rhaenys.
I guess Sammy may be right our FEARS can make us self sabotage and we end up giving up too soon.
In my life so far, I think I did the opposite.. With my last boyfriend, I wanted to be in a relationshp so much, I think I rushed a bit, went relationship too soon, ignoring that he is much younger (8 years) and if we want the same things. So this time I want to be patient and calm.
(Also, the 8 years younger ex was the punctual one, I could rely on him when planning and meeting, and that felt like such nice breath of freas air and really relaxing, so I guess that is importand for me.)
Also, I was always giving too much chances, and din’t have a courage to end things. I always had that fear and negative feeling, that I couldn’t find anyone better. So this time I really want to be patient, not to rush and like you said, build a connection, not just go with the initial sparks.
And all this problems at the begining are giving me much anxiety, and I admit I’m scared, I don’t want to make a mistake.
May 13, 2021 at 4:55 am #379770
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
Thank you @Sammy1 a lot! I put the wrong tag.
I don’t know what to think about him. At first he was really nice when we started chatting, I thought he is really inteligent and interesting, he helped me with his opinion when I bought a new car, I communicated to him my worry about distance relationship and he assured me. I actually didn’t have a good feeling, but I thought that could be only because of my fears (as you said).
Then I thought, if he is so nice, give him a chance, but then when I showed interested it seemed to me as he was less interested and messaging less. Again, I could be right in that assesment or it could be my fears, or just chatting too long without meeting (3 months).
So we tried to agree for a meet but then problems started. We had a plan for wednesday, and there was a chance he could have to work for longer, but he didn’t communicate that until I asked him late evening Thursday. Than we had a misunderstanding about meeting (he thought we won’t meet, I understand we will met after all on wednesday and I felt he was stringing me along). And than we were not contacting until he all of sudden he send me message late Saturday (22 PM) for Sunday morning. I was thinking I’ll give a chance and said yes. And then he was late and didn’t contact. All that left a really sore taste for me.
I’m not mad, as at the end he explained himself, it’s more that I’m not sure if we can be compatible because of all that difference in planning and comunicating. He doesn’t seem like a person who likes to plan much ahead, or cares that much about punctuality, and I experinced that with one of my previous ex-es and I was just frustrated most of the time.
Like you Know here, I had bad experiences, and I do want someone who is reliable and whom I can trust. He hasn’t contacted since. When we meet he seemed nice. He even payed the bill, wanted to give me chocolate (but it melted) he even hugged me twice at the end. And I felt I was attracted a bit. I started overthinking on Sunday, so I decided to let it go, not to think about what will I do. I guessed if he really is interested he will contact and then I’ll see how I feel. But so far I guess i felt mixed signals and I didn’t want to push. I explained him how I felt when he didn’t contact, I wasn’t unsure if he is just stringing me alone, and then he understood, but still all that worries me so I don’t feel like contacting him myself. I just asked him if he arrived home, and thanked him for drink and gift, and he replied nicely, but at the time (Sunday) I didn’t felt to continue chat. I guess I had that “red flags” screaming in my head.