Forum Replies Created
January 11, 2021 at 1:55 am #372583January 11, 2021 at 1:51 am #372582
I’ll reply to somethings you wrote…
” I do wonder if I feel the need to cling to the love of his family because it vicariously or indirectly allows me to feel loved by him as he is their son.” – yes, that may be the case.
Holidays are hard. I felt that too. Did you spend them with your family and friends? I did, and they were still really hard.
I’ve never had boyfriends introduce me that much into their family. I missed my ex during holidays a lot. And I don’t understand that bonding and feeling of missing his family, but it may be just because of the reason you wrote.
“He did have an awakening of sorts after I contacted him for closure but in the end I knew based on the many years together it was empty promises and too late…. Maybe deep down I’m still holding onto something and hence by taking bold actions I feel it will speed up the process of fully healing rather than dealing with what I’m actually feeling?… I want to fully heal, that will allow me then to give my all to someone new.”
It seemed to me that you actually maybe had a chance to reconnect with your ex after your talk, and you realized it was empty promises, so you move forward. That is something that was always really hard to me, so I know how hard it is. And the way you don’t rush into something you. I admire that.
I know it’s hard, but you seem to really want to make progress, forget him and move on.. That takes a lot of ocurage. and giving yourself time…
However… “It’s what led me to overindulging in alcohol using it as a crutch and that spiral…I’m not too sure if that’s what may be happening again if I’m being honest, food for thought.”
These worried me.. Are you ok? Does living with your family help?
Me… I have ups and downs. Panic attacks stopped, I’m sleeping well, I have apetite, I don’t have anxiety attacs. But I feel hopeless. I think anxiety is here all the time, just not on surface. And a bit of depression.. maybe a good word would be deep sadness.
Holidays were so hard. I live with my family and I have friends, but I guess that’s not the live I wanted for my 30s and I don’t know if it will ever change. Living alone seems even worse.
Sometimes I ask myself what it’s all worth for.. Going to work, earning money, for what? With pandemic, being home all og the time, most of my friends in relationships going forward, so not really thinking anything will change even with pandemic stops, I’m a bit of hopeless. I know everything can change in a day, but my past experiences are bad, so…
My mom is a big support, and she says she has a feeling everything will go better for me this year, and she has a gut, instinct for this things, so that actually gives me hope (maybe it’s funny.. but it helps).
I had some hard times (sometines feeling lonely, also some fights and problems at home in my family – not me directly invovlved), so I contacted him and he also me a few times… I know it’s not maybe smart but I couldn’t help it. I still do miss him. I also know I want family in future, so it would be better for me to find someone who wants that too, as my ex is too young (me 33, him 25) and doesn’t want it yet.
So we were just talking about our lives, what we do… I think we still do care about each other a lot. I try not to except anthing from that, although I admit I kind of have a wish for him to choose me (like Danny did with B), but I also see it’s not realistic. So, I guess I’m not very proud of contact (I haven’t told anybody) but couldn’t help it either.
I have some good times with friends, but then I feel down when I come home again… I also play piano a lot, it’s something I started after break-up and at first used it as something that allows me to think and past time, but I think I also like it. I still feel like I need something outside to change, and every day is really similar, and not really inspiring.
So I admire Sammy when you say you want to heal.. I feel like I’m still in a way missing my ex, and I don’t know how can that past excpet is someone new comes.. I tend to stay in love in a guy until I meet another. I don’t know if’ that’s just me and my problem, and how to change that.January 11, 2021 at 1:29 am #372581
Congratulations! WOw! That such news.. although I expected that when you said you will propose. But still. COngrats!
B sounds like such a great keeper, but the way you care and think abouth her now, you are too, now. And you give great advices.
I would really like to meet someone who think about me the way you do about B. (And me about him, of course. :D)
I’m really sorry about your situation, it sounds really bad… Really seems like you-don’t-know-whether-to-cry-or-laugh situation.
Although you do seem to bit handling it well.January 5, 2021 at 12:16 am #372209
Happy new year to everyone.
@Danny I really hope proposal went good. Hoping to hear good news from you and thank you for your kind words.
@Shelbyville your story on this topic gave me hope. I really do feel like you did about some things, I understand what you wrote, as many of those things I feel too. I Know you feel really stressful now, but the change both you and your life went in these 2 years is amazing. I realise you said you won’t post, but I just wanted to say I wish you the best.
@Tim gave me a great encouragement and I’ll be always thankful for that.
I stopped posting because, similar as Sammy said, I didn’t want to be reliant on someone’s support and I admit I also feel excluded sometimes a bit… But I was visiting this forums, and reading this and other topics too, And even though everyone can open their topic and get advice, it seemed good to me that there is a topic when people with a bit of similar problems can give support to each other. So I was a bit sad seeing this topic fall down.
If anyone here feels they are still on a journey, and if @Shelbyville doesn’t mind, I would like to hear from you and continue mutual support in this topic.December 17, 2020 at 12:15 pm #371182
the name of your topic caught my attention, because this question bothers me too. I’m 33 and had a break up recently, so I’m asking myself same questions, as I’m single now and I don’t even have a patrner.
However, there is a biological limit, but many women can have children up maybe 40 years. So I said to myself, I still have 7 years left. Some younger women have problems with having children, but then, some older women have them without problems. I Know a neighbour who had a child at 42, and a wife of a college had their first and so far only baby at 40 (they married when she was 39). So it may be that you have time.
But, I also looked a bit at your other topics, and maybe you should ask yourself if there are some other things that actually bother you more.
You were mentioning the way your boyfriend shows you love, how he answers your messages, wanting to have vulnerable and deep conversations with him, wanting him to open emotionally, saying he loves you… It seems to me that maybe he’s not assuring you the way you need to be assured. Are you really sure it is you who wants to wait, or are you afraid of asking him? Are you sure you’re not the one who wants children sooner, and he doesn’t, or you’re not sure if he will? And I understand all of this completley, as I had problems with my boyfriends who weren’t ready to commit or even live tohegher, not mentioning having children.
Sadly, we women have a biological clock, and after that passes we can’t have children. Men may allow them to think they can always find youger woman (even though they can be wrong and unsucesful in that, but they don’t have the same limit).
Also, I remembered reading this article at Ask Polly, which may be helpful: https://www.thecut.com/2019/09/ask-polly-i-want-kids-but-my-boyfriend-isnt-ready.htmlNovember 25, 2020 at 11:25 am #369880
@Tim I’ve been reading this topic and I have to congratulate you, as you and your girlfriend are expecting! Wow that is such great news. I really wish you all the best and hapiness. Your advices have been much helpful and you have helped me feel better, thank you.
@Danny Congrats! I really hope you will make B happy this time, and you will be happy to.
@Shelbyville I read history of this topic, not much, but some. And I think in some aspects I understand your story, I recognize myself in some parts. So your news of being happy with your boyfriend really gives me hope.
Like I said to Shelby, I read some history of this topic not all… But I remember your posts about how you are ready to think about family and children, and you live with Mr A and he’s not ready…
I had a (previous, not the last) ex boyfriend for 7 years and he was never sure or ready for anyting. And when we broke up I was 30… I regret that the most. I think now I should break up at least 3 or 4 years earlier. I also recognize that at that time I was in a bigger city and I felt alone so I coulnd’t. And the break up happened when I returned home so that was the best time for me to handle it… But on the other side now I wonder how many chances I had and I blew up in that city because of waiting for him.
I think if you really ask yourself, if you are sure of this or not, you know the answer. I knew it to, always.. But blocked it because of my fear of being alone, of staying alone.. So you know it, but not from this position of fear. You are still young I think, in your twenties..
In thirties you feel that you have even less time and more coupled friends. So, you know how you feel. And if you’re not happy, don’t lose time like me.
I think I’m mostly over my breakup and ex.. Well not in a way that I don’t feel anything, but I recognize what I want – a serious relationship and a family. And he is too young and immature to give me that. And I want that more than him… I guess break up was just inevitable and it better happened sooner than later. But anxiety creeps up about not finding that what I want. And I don’t even think there is a problem with me, I’m just afraid because of pandemic and everything, like my coupled friends, there won’t be a chance to meet new people. Like, how could it happen?
@Shelbyville How did you met your boyfriend, you mentioned dating apps? I think I’m just not ready for them, and I won’t ever me.
October 30, 2020 at 3:21 pm #368463
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
I’ve read your story and by reading it I also felt like I experienced B’s side myself. Not exactly in that way necessary… It’s strange how I always felt I was rejected because I was not interesting enough, or good enough, or because I was to serious… But you gave me a real proof of another perspective (that people who care to me were saying to me, but I couldn’t believe it 100 percent) – that maybe those guys felt I’m too good for them. I doesn’t have to be that way, and I guess I doesn’t even matter anymore. But thank you for that.
As for you, I agree that you did her wrong… But if you realized that, and you regret and you wan’t to change and do different in the future that’s a good turn, and it would be really good of you to do that. So you can be with some women in the future, and your relationship could be a good one.
As for B.. Yes you do owe her an apology, even an explanation.. I guess I would like to hear that myself (never did, though)… But ask her to be again with her… I’m not sure of that. I also think you are just starting your change, you miss her because you realized how great she is, but is it really best for her to be together with you? I’m not sure.
I read your story about meeting your ex and now your dilemma what to do… To tell you the truth, recently I avoided giving advices because I feel I was too hurt and not in a good place to give advice. Like, as I’m hurt and single, I would give wrong advice, tell someone to break up with boyfriend because of a problem, even if that is not always the best… Because I don’t have one.
And to tell the truth, I was reading your story, and thinking “and why no ex never wanted to get back to me…” And then I caught myself, you stupid, he did.. My first boyfriend broke up 2 times and we got back 2 times. And now? I wish he did not. I was too much a fool to get back. I even initiated it. What a fool. So I lost 7 years with him, instead of 2. Really great.
Our mind really plays tricks with us.. I still have to work on myself, as I first thought I’m so awful that no one wanted me back , but he did. The second and third didn’t. And that’s okay. Because I would got back to them and made the same mistake. So I guess universe is taking care of me, even if I can’t. I really wish my 1st boyfriend never wanted me back, and I’m glad the second one didn’t. The third, recent one? I’m still strugling a bit, but I’m feeling I’ll be really happy he didn’t, very soon. Because the first month and second I would get back.
But this third month I realized that if I want real love and commitment I have to find a guy who wants that too.
What should you do? I still don’t feel I can’t give you advice whether to be back with him or not… So I guess I can just tell you my story, which I just did.
About the birthday, I guess you can send a message and left it at that.
I’m happy for your relationship and for work. You give me hope that everything can turn better, and thank you very much for that.
I read some of your posts in this thread, and glad to hear from you. I’m happy for news about your mama and kitten.
October 30, 2020 at 3:00 pm #368461
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
Hello, I wanted to do an update…
I’ve been visiting both this site and forums, and reading articles and topics.
I think I made some progress this month.. My appetite is pretty normal. I’m having a really good sleep. I do wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, but I just fall asleep again, without any panicking feeling. I also wake up feeling better in morning.
Although I guess I would try to escape that if the situation is different, the COVID-19 and a sickness last week made me to do what you Anita told me – they made me to stay home, not to go out at weekends and because of cold I was home 5 days last week all the time. And I made it. Yaaay. 🙂 And it’ wasnt’s so bad. Actually, I managed to have some sleep I needed so much (as the break up was just in the beginning of my vacation, I didn’t get any much needed sleep during vacation as I barely slept then). I read books and played piano and it was actually really nice. I finally got some rest.
I also did some reflection… I guess the realization that the whole time I seemed to want a serious relationship and commitment, but without making sure to choose guys that wanted that too hit me.. And by doing that, by desperately wanting a relationship and not choosing wise, I didn’t let myself to have the thing I really wanted. I think that now I really get it.
Also… I realized that I may not have acted mature either, and that maybe I was (or am) afraid of commitment.. As I always avoided things like doing housework for example. So I tried to be more aware of that now.
I went to therapy but I’m not sure if and how it helped.. I am better now, but therapist was mostly really generic, and talked to me for example that I should do things that I like to fulfill my energy, that I should live in the moment, that partnership works better ih people are similar… But I felt it was too generic.
I reflected myself… I am aware that my parents marriage didn’t work. And that I wanted an escape and saw it in romantic relationship. But at the same time, because of their marriage I somehow didn’t believe in it, like that it can’t work and it won’t happen to me ( I guess because their didn’t work). I remember hating romantic novels – I told myself the reason is they are silly and boring, but it was because I thought love can’t or won’t happen to me.
I also have some issues with my dad… I feel like he puts me down. We talk, and he says he loves me and cares for me and that I am worthy of love and better than my exes…. And the next minute he tells me that I have to think what I did wrong in my relationships and not do it again an the future and that guys are always into me in the beginning and then they change.. It’s like he wants to hurt me. I don’t really call him these days. I just can’t. Last week I faced him with that, and told him that his words hurt him. I guess I wanted a reaction like, oh I wasn’t aware, I’m really sorry (I would say that if my words hurt someone I care, or if he misinterpreted them). But I didn’t get that, he was just defending himself, told me that he also thinks about what he has done wrong so he can be better in future and that he won’t speak it if it bothers me – but impyling he is going to think it. And that’s not good enough for me. I was angry at first, but right now I don’t even feel anger, I just don’t and can’t talk to him because it makes me worse. I think he blames me because I don’t want to have contact with his wife and her family, like he wanted me to. And I guess I have to accept I will never have a relationship with my dad the way I would like it.
I do plan to talk to him in the future, but I guess now I’m still a bit hurt and he opens this wounds.
And I realize this is connected, that because of my relationship with dad after divorce that was not as I wanted it, I wanted an escape, in romantic love… And that wanting, that was too strong, actually made me just further from it.
I also thought about your advice about moving far away from my parents… At first I hated it. I’m with mom and brother and two cats, and I like not being alone (I was living alone before for 2 years in another city and I didn’t like it much). And right now the financial situation is not the best. But now I do feel I need to think about living alone in future. Not far away thought, as I like it here in this town a lot. But I guess that wish is also a step forward, as it’s something new to me. Like I’m finally wanting to be mature and independent.
I also try to meditate / practice mindfulness in the evening and in the morning. Well, I do wish to try to do it more, even when I’m walking or drinking tea or not to think too much about my situation when I’m at work, but I don’t always manage that.
I’m a bit calmer and I don’t have any panic attacks or similar.. But my fear that I will stay alone, without family, marriage or kids, still exists. I’m trying to work on that.September 28, 2020 at 11:50 pm #367374
Shelbyville, I’m really glad it’s going so good with you and the new guy, congrats! Maybe you just needed to relax a bit… It also gives me hope in a way.
About your job, I agree it’s a good plan for you to wait and see how it’s going, maybe until Christmas.
Tim, I have cats (2), but I love dogs too, I love Animals. When younger, I wanted to have a dog, but we lived in the appartment and parents didn’t wan’t dogs in appartment, and then my mom agreed on cats… I love them and they are really support for me. And I also experienced a loss years ago.
About proposing, wow, that’s really nice and brave of you how you appreciate her, you are really an amazing boyfriend. I don’t really have an advice… I guess if I love someone, I would just appreciate it for the act, and wouldn’t care that much how he did it (it doesn’t have to be on a trip, on the top of the Eiffel tower or something similar). May I ask how long are you together?
I really agree with the part you said abou how every relationship is a risk… You guys also gave me not just support today, but hope, since you also experienced break up and grew stronger from it. I guess soon after break ups it may seem it will never get better, but it will, and that happened to me too, more times before.
I’ve been better yesterday and today. I seem to need a lot of rest and sleep lately so I do that, and I sleep pretty good most of the times. Work is a bit hard, I’m not inspired at all. It actually has a potential and it’s not easy or boring, but human relations are not the best and I’m just not inspired by it these days. But I don’t want to make any harsh change now, I think I will let it be and wait if maybe an opportunity arises, instead of actively seeking new job just yet, in this circumstances.
Also, these Covid times make it hard of me, since I don’t see many opportunities to go somewhere or meet people, which seems I have a need for now. My friends mostly don’t go as much out, since they are mostly in relationships, so I’m thinking of reaching to some other people maybe. Not anything risky of course, all events are under measures anyway.
September 27, 2020 at 11:48 pm #367326
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
First, I’m sorry for Rupert too, I had pets before and have them now, and they are a member of family for me.
Thank you very much for your reply. I read it, and I admit I haven’t posted a few days, since I’ve let myself think about… I Know you are right, I full desire to did the things you said this time
I remember me 2 years ago, just before starting last relationship and on the beginning, really wanting someone, but also believing and saying to myself “this time you’ll love yourself too, you will let yourself enjoy, you will be relaxed and not make the relationship all of your world”. Did i do that? Partially, some of it, some of the times, not fully… I did have a talk about what I want, even though that was what finished it. And at the end when he changed I was ready to break it up. So I guess I did better than last time (waiting 7 years…).
Still, I guess last few months when he was changing and not acting really nice to me let a really bitter pill to swallow. I think I would actually deal it better if it ended differently, maybe if we agreed to part immediately after our conversation.. But seeing him getting cold was hard. My therapist told me it was because of the talk, he was immature and not ready, and that’s how his family programmed him and I guess it’s true, since change happened after that. But still it’s hard… I’m really looking forward for next appointment with therapyst.
thank you for your support too. I totally understand you. As everyone tells me, all can change in an instant and for love it’s never too late. And something it happens just when we lost all hope and we stop thinking about it.. so we both have time, even though it doesn’t feel like that sometimes.
Did you have a walk this weekend as you planned?
I had a really hard weekend, actually saturday… I always liked the idea of going to a wedding with my boyfriend as guests, and we were invited at a wedding, in his family, that was this saturday. Actually that was near the end of relationship and I knew even when I got the invite, I had doubts, feeling like it won’t happen… Then one of my best friends was at another wedding the this saturday too, the same day. I think there were few weddings in our small town this saturday. I made plans to go somewhere with my friends (as a way to escape from being home) but in the morning was rain, so we stayed home. Then, afternoon sun came and it made everything worse… I felt stuck at home… It was really hard for me that day, people were posting pictures, I actually missed him again and even dreamt of him and woke up felling bad on sunday. I haven’t dealt with it the best. I actually dreaded this day for 2 months.
Then it was better on sunday, and I thought… you had such a lousy saturday, and you did that to yourself. You expected it to be dreadful and you made it. I feel I kind of had my chance to deal with it different and I blew it. But blaming me won’t help, I know that too.
I guess I need support these days… It’s monday now, but I’m feeling better at least.
September 24, 2020 at 11:29 pm #367202
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
I’m really sorry, I was just trying to help you to find support if Shelbyville and Time are not online. Please do feel free to post here anytime, that’s okay, we all came here for support, me too.
Thank you for your kind words.
My background is that I had a break up about 2 months ago… I’m 33, I had a few (let’s say 3) relationships, and all the guys broke up with me… Also, even though I’m always searching for a serious relationship that will grow into living together and marriage, none of the guys were ready for it. I’ve been in a 7 year relationship with a guy who was never ready for that, and I stayed to long. He was my age, and it was also long distance. Last guy was 8 years younger and he was a lot into me, we were 2 years together but he changed when I started a conversation about future.
I’m 33, and at First I missed him so much and wanted him back… I miss him now too, sometimes.. But mostly I’m really scared about my future, not finding someone for marriage and kids, ending up alone. This is what really bothers me these days.
I have a lot of friends, and they are not married yet, most of them, but they are in relationships so don’t want go out much (which I totally understand), and with that and COVID I don’t see many opportunities to meet people… I don’t have issues with my looks, I have a job (that is not perfect, but not horrible either), I have hobbies and interests, but sometimes I feel I’m just not meant to have luck in love. I’m really scared of that last two days, really sad because of that. Sometimes I have anxiety and mild panic attacks because of that. I try to do what I wrote before but I have better and worse days. So yes, these days I also need support too…September 23, 2020 at 6:17 am #367118
Shelbyville, yes I do feel I’m pretty lucky because of support, and also because I have a lot of friends here. I used to work in another town (Capital) but I didn’t have Company there. I decided I want to live in this smaller town where I was born, as my whole family is here and friends too, and also it’s near the sea and a lot of nature near. So I came back, even though I liked my previous work more. And I have really a lot friends here so I don’t miss Company at least.
I do feel better.. I do miss my ex sometimes, but I think I mostly have anxiety because of my fear that I’m too old to find someone, that I will end up alone and childless (I’m 33.). Somehow that anxiety and panic came up now. I Know I’m still Young and as I have a lot of friends I also have opportunities to meet people, although they are limited now because of COVID. I’m going to my First appointment with therapyst today.
@Sammy, I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to say that you Search for support as a critique.. We all came here for that, me too. And that’s okay, I think that’s what there forums are meant for. I was just suggesting, that if other members like Tim or Shelbyville are busy and not online, to maybe search for your friends or family as a support…
I’m so sorry if you feel you find hard to do that in person, I understand. I also have maybe 1-2 persons that are close to me and with whom I speak openly about my problems. I don’t do that with the rest, but sometimes just hanging with friends and having fun helps, and makes me happy.
I guess we seek for support from others, while we should Search for that in ourselves… But that’s hard sometimes, really hard and takes time. I also always refused to go to therapy before, so I understand that too. Please feel free and welcome to post here whenever you need, as you see there are people who will relpy.September 22, 2020 at 11:12 pm #367102
Sammy, no need to apologize. I was replying a few times mostly to Shelbyville. I posted yesterday because you were alone here for a few days, so I wanted to help if I can.
Maybe you could use some therapy? I also sometimes have a feeling that my life is at a Dead end, but then I say to myself – maybe this is a chance for me to do some hobbies, spend time with my friends and family. And who knows, something can happen any day that can change everything on the positive side, I’m thinking. When I’m not at home I go with my friends, read a book, spend time with my family or cats, and I started playing piano… And I can finally sleep good enough and long. I also watch videos and meditations on YouTube. Maybe you can try something like that… I guess we all have to face our demons alone eventually, but until you feel a bit better maybe it would be good not to be alone too much time. As you Search support here, maybe that’s what you need with your friends and family too.
When I’m at home I’m okay, but I think what’s the hardest for me is my work, I’m really not inspired at all and I just start thinking.
Shelbyville thank you very much. Your posts make me think you seem a lot better.
September 22, 2020 at 5:09 am #367071
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Rhaenys.
I just wanted to say that I managed to get an appointment and that I’m going to therapy starting tomorrow.
I know that we have to face our fear and find roots of our problems in our childhood, if that’s where they arise from… I appreciate your help a lot, and I don’t want to run from that, but I guess I’m not totally relaxed by talking about all that online on a forum. I do really desire healing this time, and not just running from my problems in Search for a new partner /relationship.September 22, 2020 at 4:30 am #367070