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Rhaenys

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #367202
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Sammy

    I’m really sorry, I was just trying to help you to find support if Shelbyville and Time are not online. Please do feel free to post here anytime, that’s okay, we all came here for support, me too.

    @Tim

    Thank you for your kind words.

    My background is that I had a break up about 2 months ago… I’m 33, I had a few (let’s say 3) relationships, and all the guys broke up with me… Also, even though I’m always searching for a serious relationship that will grow into living together and marriage, none of the guys were ready for it. I’ve been in a 7 year relationship with a guy who was never ready for that, and I stayed to long. He was my age, and it was also long distance. Last guy was 8 years younger and he was a lot into me, we were 2 years together but he changed when I started a conversation about future.

    I’m 33, and at First I missed him so much and wanted him back… I miss him now too, sometimes.. But mostly I’m really scared about my future, not finding someone for marriage and kids, ending up alone. This is what really bothers me these days.

    I have a lot of friends, and they are not married yet, most of them, but they are in relationships so don’t want go out much (which I totally understand), and with that and COVID I don’t see many opportunities to meet people… I don’t have issues with my looks, I have a job (that is not perfect, but not horrible either), I have  hobbies and interests, but sometimes I feel I’m just not meant to have luck in love. I’m really scared of that last two days, really sad because of that. Sometimes I have anxiety and mild panic attacks because of that. I try to do what I wrote before but I have better and worse days. So yes, these days I also need support too…

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 2 hours ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 2 days, 2 hours ago by Rhaenys.
    #367118
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Shelbyville, yes I do feel I’m pretty lucky because of support, and also because I have a lot of friends here. I used to work in another town (Capital) but I didn’t have Company there. I decided I want to live in this smaller town where I was born, as my whole family is here and friends too, and also it’s near the sea and a lot of nature near. So I came back, even though I liked my previous work more. And I have really a lot friends here so I don’t miss Company at least.

    I do feel better.. I do miss my ex sometimes, but I think I mostly have anxiety because of my fear that I’m too old to find someone, that I will end up alone and childless (I’m 33.). Somehow that anxiety and panic came up now. I Know I’m still Young and as I have a lot of friends I also have opportunities to meet people, although they are limited now because of COVID. I’m going to my First appointment with therapyst today.

    @Sammy, I’m so sorry.. I didn’t mean to say that you Search for support as a critique.. We all came here for that, me too. And that’s okay, I think that’s what there forums are meant for. I was just suggesting, that if other members like Tim or Shelbyville are busy and not online, to maybe search for your friends or family as a support…

    I’m so sorry if you feel you find hard to do that in person, I understand. I also have maybe 1-2 persons that are close to me and with whom I speak openly about my problems. I don’t do that with the rest, but sometimes just hanging with friends and having fun helps, and makes me happy.

    I guess we seek for support from others, while we should Search for that in ourselves… But that’s hard sometimes, really hard and takes time. I also always refused to go to therapy before, so I understand that too. Please feel free and welcome to post here whenever you need, as you see there are people who will relpy.

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 19 hours ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 3 days, 19 hours ago by Rhaenys.
    #367102
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Sammy, no need to apologize.  I was replying a few times mostly to Shelbyville. I posted yesterday because you were alone here for a few days, so I wanted to help if I can.

    Maybe you could use some therapy? I also sometimes have a feeling that my life is at a Dead end, but then I say to myself – maybe this is a chance for me to do some hobbies, spend time with my friends and family. And who knows, something can happen any day that can change everything on the positive side, I’m thinking.  When I’m not at home I go with my friends, read a book, spend time with my family or cats, and I started playing piano… And I can finally sleep good enough and long. I also watch videos and meditations on YouTube. Maybe you can try something like that… I guess we all have to face our demons alone eventually, but until you feel a bit better maybe it would be good not to be alone too much time. As you Search support here, maybe that’s what you need with your friends and family too.

    When I’m at home I’m okay, but I think what’s the hardest for me is my work, I’m really not inspired at all and I just start thinking.

    Shelbyville thank you very much. Your posts make me think you seem a lot better.

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 2 hours ago by Rhaenys.
    #367071
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I just wanted to say that I managed to get an appointment and that I’m going to therapy starting tomorrow.

    I know that we have to face our fear and find roots of our problems in our childhood, if that’s where they arise from… I appreciate your help a lot, and I don’t want to run from that, but I guess I’m not totally relaxed by talking about all that online on a forum. I do really desire healing this time, and not just running from my problems in Search for a new partner /relationship.

    #367070
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Sammy

    I can talk with you here if you wish.

    I’ve been reading this topic, and you’ve been really brave and strong, you can do it.

    When I have a crisis, I read posts that I choose from tinybuddha, I even reread some that I find helpful the most for me, did you try that?

    #366806
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello Shelbyville

    I’m reading your posts, also Sammy’s, because I also had a break up recently and I actually feel some of the same feelings and understand you.

    I’ve been reading your latest post. I Know it’s always easier being objective when it’s about others.. I’m probably pretty subjective about my own problems and delusional..

    However reading your post.. First you say: “now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
    I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.”

    And then after a few sentences you say: “But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. “

    Do you really want to give  proper go to someone who doesn’t make you feel like you want to?

    I understand you, because I’ve just been in similar situation.. I was really frustrated and angry and unsatisfied at my ex behaviour for 2 months.. But I wanted to continue, to fix it. People tell me that’s not how it happens… That if something goes that bad there’s no fixing, especially not if the other side doesn’t try too. And you already had some talks.

    Also I understand when you said he doesn’t want to talk on phone.. My ex didn’t either. He didn’t want to talk on phone, in public, before travels, before his birthday… So ask yourself, is that just an excuse he always uses, because he just doesn’t want to talk and isn’t ready for something serious or commitnent. And if that’s the case, it’s about him, not you.

    #366123
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Sheelbville.

    I had a recent break-up (that I wrote about in other topic – https://tinybuddha.com/topic/after-break-up-trying-to-change-relatipnships-patterns-and-overcome-rejected/) and I’ve been reading the rest of the forums and your posts.

    I read your last posts and I’m really sad you feel this way.

    I understand the fear of rejection, as I have it too.. maybe we should change how we look at it.

    Maybe one way of dealing with it could be – you don’t have to look at his behaviour as rejection. You are not still committed yet. If he is changing, if he is not behaving how you would like him to, thank he is not the one good enough for you. Maybe now is right time for you to overcome this, to stop this pattern. Maybe you should really try to do it now.

    “For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay” – I kow it’s hard (hey, I’m just experiencing it), but maybe you should try to relax and think about what to do – in the morning, if you drink coffee or tea, just enjoy drinking that cofee or tea (like the article from the blog about drinking tea), if you wash the dishes, try just to do that. And when thoughts come let them be. Try to look them as just an observer from outside. Maybe just now is the right time for us to overcome this and realize we have all the love in us.

    I Know, we can try, and then we will forget and thoughts will come again – but then again, we can try it again.

    Also, if you relax, maybe everything will get better – with him or with someone other, if not today than tomorrow.

    They say life will give us lessons untill we learn them – maybe you could use this as an opportunity.

    If he is so lazy that he can’t even send you kisses when you write him last night – how can he be good enough for you, if that is how you want him to behave? Maybe really, it would be better for us who fear rejection, to not look as partners like someone who we need to prove ourselves – but see how we feel with them.  My good friend lately also had a brief “fling” with a guy who she saw was not immature enough – and she said to me “His maximum (what he could give to her) was less than my minimum (that she excepts).” And she broke it up.

    #366004
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I’ve been thinking about your replies for some time.
    I’m really grateful for your help and I appreciate time and patience you took to answer to my posts.

    I’m waiting for therapy, I may post here after some time how my progress goes. Wish you all the best Anita.

    #365874
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you very much Anita for your time and answers.

    I guess analyzing what happened is good, and you came to some answers, together with me… But what’s the solution, what would you propose me to do? How to heal so I don’t feel that “emptiness” in the future? And how to stop the pattern?

    #365780
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice Anita. I read ypur post this morning, however, I already made a deal to go to beach with a friend… but I’ll try to practice your advice this evening and tomorrow.

    #365774
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    I wanted to add, as I asked for advice, what are my plans, what I think I should do, and that is as follows:

    1) Practicing mindfulness, not just now in hard times, most of the times actually, making it part of my life, way of living. Also, now, when I start analyzing my relationships, or feeling sad or panic or anxiety I want to try to observe my emotions, not stop them but try to be an observer.

    2) Appreciate what I have – spend time and connect with my family, friends, my cats also. Spend more time with my granny. And also appreciate all that, also my work and my health, I have a lot to be grateful for.

    3) Find a hobby, a passion. Not I don’ feel that will be easy. I’m reading  these days, but I want also something more.. I plan to try playing an instrument again, also not sure if I want to draw again. And I also felt a strong desire to ride my bike, so I’m planning doing that, maybe on weekend mornings. I guess if these don’t work I may try something different. I’ve been feeling I need that for a time now.

    #365772
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I’m so grateful for your efforts and I appreciate them.

    I agree and I think you got most parts right.

    I don’t think I would describe I felt that much aggresion when I was a child.. When you say aggresion was in the air, somehow I don’t feel like that’s it. There were a lot of fights after divorce, mostly between me and brother, and us, kids and parents.. My mom and dad did fight, but that was not dominant, or at least not only that. I feel it was more like… sadness, emptiness was creeping in the air. Loneliness maybe… Like we were not enough. There were not fighting most of the times, but I still felt it didn’t work.

    So I guess it’s a bit of aggression, but also, and even more, sadness, emptiness, loneliness. Maybe that “something missing” is love – but not for us kids, but between my parents (and maybe calmness, as opposed to aggresion, but I don’t feel I relate do that as much). Also, maybe I don’t relate that much to anger/aggression, because even though I do tend to feel them still sometimes, that is the problem I did manage to solve, at least a bit, (I used to feel it and show it much more before), while the other one – not so much. I think I always find an area in my life where I feel something is missing (sometimes it’s friends, sometimes is work, sometimes health), and I tend to think my problems are bigger than they are which stops me from enjoying life as I could. And the worst I feel when I have problems in my relationships with my partners.

    I also never realized the connection you put between what I blame my father for and what I do in relationship – I guess that I learned that is a way to show love, to try, to be there for them, to not leave them – I guess that is what I also want them to show me love (and they may have different ways of showing it).

    What to you propose, what should I do in the future, how to get rid of that unwanted feeling, and how to break my pattern, change my behaviour, what to do to make relationships work? How to feel just happy and calm.

    I’m having a small crisis today because it’s Friday and I don’t know what to do on weekends.. My friends are mostly home / with partners or a few of them that like to go out have other company, and don’t call me anymore as I would spend weekends  with boyfriend or home (especially lately, as I felt it wasn’t working so I wasn’t in the mood to hang out with my friends).. But suddenly, being home is not that much fun.

    I live with my mother and brother now, and I do feel there is love and calmness now at home. I don’t feel like something is in the air, but more, like it’s in me. As I’m still hurt and I do miss my boyfriend, I miss our weekend trips, and would like to go somewhere, to get out of the house, but don’t feel like doing it alone. I guess I will probably reconnect with old friends or find new, but that takes time and healing takes time too, so it’s hard now.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Rhaenys.
    #365729
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    So… I’ve been thinking about my behaviour and relationships and what it my relationship triggers problems in my relationship. Also, not just thinking, but I’ve been practicing mindfulness after having some depresing and anxiety moments lately, and I’ve come up with some things…

    I don’t think that my parents were not good to me, or they didn’t give me enough love. But it was clear from early on to me that my parents’ marriage is not perfect. They were fighting, it’s hard to remember now how often, but even when they were not, I guess I felt it’s not working. I remember a feeling that when our family was together, just the 4 of us (my dad, mom, brother and me), somehow it was not enough. I think that was because their relationship didn’t work. I wanted, when we went to trips, vacations or Christmas dinners, that someone was with us. Because if someone was with us (mostly another family), that feeling that somehow our family isn’t enough, that something missed, went away. Or maybe that just helped me to ignore it better.

    When I was 20 they divorced. I didn’t see that coming mostly because I expected it much earlier, so when it didn’t happen earlier, I thought they will stay together. It was really hard, they didn’t get along, there were some nasty fights, not just between them but between my brother and me, and us with them. I guess I blamed my dad a lot, because I felt, even as younger that he didn’t try enough. My mom was home, she did almost all of the housework and was always there for us, and my dad was often away, even more in the end. We also had some fights after divorce, he soon found a new woman and tried to get me to know her and hang with her and her family and I didn’t want to. A few times he also tricked me, we decided to meet, and he would bring them without telling me. We are okay now, because I want to have relationship with him as he is my dad, but I still don’t like how he behave.

    After divorce, my dad parents, who I was really close with, got sick and died in a few years and that was a hard time for me. I was in college, first my grades dropped and I was also an introvert, however I started getting more friends and going out and even got better grades again during the final years.

    Until last year of college, I had a a lot of crushes in my life, but never mutual. I was also an introvert, I didn’t care much about my clothes or make up, and this changed during my 20s.

    I guess that during those hardest times, as I didn’t have a family, and even didn’t have someone to really confess to (because the problems were in my family, and it was too personal to say to friends, also I didn’t want a therapist because of my prejudice that this would mean something is wrong with me or I’m sick), I wanted a boyfriend to save me. And at final year of college I found a boyfriend, and at first, I finally had that someone.

    I now see that in my relationships, I was pursued by boys, and they were at first good to me (as Anita says, maybe because they had to be nice to me if they wanted me as girlfriend). And I liked that. I think in my 2 longer relationship, I also lost infuatuation, but I liked being with them even after that because they were good to me (and they really were both, at least in the first year-two, during their infatuation phase). And I think I did care a lot for them, even after my infatuation stopped.

    But my problem is, as I see it, when they stopped being good to me, or good enough, instead of leaving, I try to do everything to get them back. Now with my 7 year relationship I waited too long, last time, it finished earlier (that phase lasted a few months). He did broke with me, but I was on verge of breaking up too, a thought of that for a time. I guess I did maybe just learn something.

    I also realized that by doing that – trying to do everything to get them back , I stop myself from getting something better. Because in 7 year relationship, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I wanted someone to wake up with, to be with me, to be mutual support and spend time together, but as it was long distance (except 1 year), I was actually alone most of the time. My behaviour deprived me of getting things I wanted instead of getting a chance to have them with someone else. Because I was afraid of breaking up and being alone, and afraid if I can fall in love again and find someone again. And when we broke up after 7 years, when I was 30…

    Now I do feel a bit scared, as I’m 33, will I be able to have a relationship and a family later (is it too late and are all the good guys taken?). I’m aware I have to see if a guy is mature, and if we want the same things. But first have some time alone. All my life, I didn’t have many health, school or work problems, I do have a support in my family and friends (even in my dad – we talk a lot, even if he sometimes doesn’t understand me or I him. I think I’m accepting that now finally). I do have a lots of interest and mostly (excpet now in covid times), I don’t have problems with going out, meeting new people, I’m also satisfied with my looks and guys do notice me. I changed a lot, from big introvert and really shy girl in my teens.

    I guess I only have problems with thing that I obsess over the most – having a partner, and now in my 30s, a family too. As I’m reading about mindfulness, meditation, spirituality already about 5 years, I guess I must find that someting I’m missing (that something since I was a child who felt something was missing when I was with my family) in me first. I’m welcome to advices on how to overcome that. And I think I have to appreciate what I have more, and be grateful for that (family, friends, my cats, health, work,) instead of clinging to someone who is not good for me.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Rhaenys.
    #365370
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita a lot, for taking the time to read my posts. I’ve been thinking about your post the last day. I’m really thankful for hearing your perspective.

    It’s hard to describe all that happened and all of my last relationship here, so I feel like some things can give wrong impression. I don’t think I’m a saint. There were times in last relationship when it was perfect, then times when I was more selfish one ( in the period when my infatuation stopped, and his was still strong), and that, especially in the end, times when he was more selfish one. And yes, his selfishness in the end was worse than mine.

    I also do think that we wished different things – I think he wanted a relationship, but in terms of seeing each other and dating, which is more understandable in his years. I wanted something more. I did recognize our difference and try to talk it out. After that he changed.. I guess because he was not ready, and he liked it as it is. I took me a month or two to recognize this behavior, and I wouldn’t tolerate it for long.

    I do have some problems of my own, when things don’t go the way I planned it, I start being angry, frustrated and I even tend to have childish behavior. I want to change that for myself, so I could enjoy life more.

    I agree that because of my last experiences, I may tend to, as you said – take nice gestures and words of men to mean that the men were genuinely nice and kind, while that may not be the case. I’ll try to take your advice and be more careful and the future and also to find more mature man, who want the same things as I do.

    I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my childhood on online forum, however I am aware that some of my relationship problems  may have their cause in my childhood issues, I do plan to taking some counseling because of that.

    #365331
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I think you identified my patterns correct, and you are right in your advice.

    However, I believe that I’m getting better, but I’m still have some healing to do – I feel like a part of me is aware that the last guy was immature, however, a part of me still hasn’t realized that and misses him. I guess that is understandable after break up.

    I also have to change my behavior, and in future when a guy grows distant and isn’t good to me walk away – although, this time it only lasted 2 months, and I was also thinking about break up a lot, and would do it very soon if his behavior didn’t change – so I guess I’m improving.

    And I do want to be happy again without needing someone and practice mindfulness and gratitude not just when I’m in pain but even in better times, as I think I make better decisions when I do that.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)