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Rhaenys

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  • #395562
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Solost. Welcome here.

    I’ve been posting here too, and sometimes I still check here to see if there are any new posts, and now I saw yours.

    After my break up, I was also anxous, and I think I was really depressed for a time. Or at least really really sad.  I had a few relationships that didn’t end up the way I wanted and felt rejected.

    I’m not Shelby, but I’ve also found someone new at the end. And I’m really happy and calm in this relationship. He makes me secure. I’m not anxious if he will like me anymore (I was at the begining of this new relationship) because he is always there for me. He is also very understanding when I feel nervous or anxous or scared. For the first time I think I’m in a relatipnship where I can depend on him, and he really wants to see me all the time, and I don’t have to worry if he will get back to me when I call him because I need him. Because I know he will. And I try to do the same for him. So for now, I would say, yes, there is hope. I think if you find someone that you can rely on, who makes you secure, your can feel calmer and less anxious, especially if past relationships were a big part of what caused the problem.

    I was really “down” last year and felt hopeless. I hope this helps you a bit.

    I’d also like to hear more from @sammy , @jay2023 and also @dannydan. I hope there are great news from them too.

    I just saw your post @dannydan, hope I’m not too late. I was wondering how are you doing and hoping for great news.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #388689
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Dannydan

    I had a bit busy week, but I’m good, thank you for your wishes.

    I’m glad you and B sleep together in your room now, I remember how physical proximity and touch were always important for you two. It’s sad you separated rooms in times you needed support of each other the most.

    I remember how I wrote you before a few times, that I think B isn’t perfect either. I thought sometimes you took that as me criticizing her, and I was not. I just don’t think it’s never fair to someone to idolize someone, because then when a flaw appears, when idolized person does something wrong, the ones who idolize her are “mad as hell”. They are harder on that person for a same mistake than if someone else did it. I say that from my personal experience. I think if you give someone a chance to be a person with many good things but also “flaws” – that is acceptance, that is how you accept someone as a person.

    And I’m glad that even now when you realized how B is dealing with serious situations, you are trying to accept that and help her.

    I also understand how you say when B shuts down, old insecurities and anxieties emerge. That happens to me too, and sometimes even in a less serious situations. I’m aware I haven’t solved all my insecurities and anxieties. They don’t go away just because I’m in a relationship now, or you are with B. And some situations trigger them again. I think those are things we have to work on by ourselves and it’s not easy and it’s a process.

    How were things with you and B last week, is it imroving slowly?

    #388361
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    I haven’t forgot you or left, I was actually thinking this weekend how to help you, what to reply..

    Maybe writing a letter is not my thing, but if it was a way you two used to deal in the past, if it heps you, you can try that or suggest that to her. Maybe it could help.

    It’s really nice to hear how you are gentle to her and ful of understanding even if she blamed you. It seems her response to what happend was thah she shut everyone out – you, her family, it seems she won’t go to therapy. She maybe even got herself tis much into work to avoid dealing with it.
    I’m not sure how to get her out of this, maybe patience and love will help

    How was the weekend? I’d love to hear news from @Jay2023 too.

    I spent my weekend mostly sleeping in bed because i had kind of stomach flu, I did a fast COVID test and I’m vaccinated. I mostly had nausea and stomach pain. But I slept a lot and watched some movies so I had a really god rest. I haven’t been able to se my bf, but we talked a lot during weekend.

    • This reply was modified 11 months ago by Rhaenys.
    #388166
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan and @Jay2023

    I’m so happy to hear from you too, Jay. And thank you both guys. Yes, I’m really happy and my boyfriend is great, and he is really supportive and caring. I had some anxiety and fear in the begining, and I must admit I still have some days when it emerges a bit, but his behaviour reassures me. I’m also aware that you can never know what the future brings, but also that, if I want love, I have to give it a chance, and take a leap.

    Dear Danny, I’m glad that you managed to connect with B last night. You mention how she was always the brave one, but give yourself credit – this time she needs you and so far it seems you are really brave and strong for her these days. Also not telling anyone and dealing with that yourself, with here shuting you – you are brave, don’t think you are not. I agree with JAy when he suggests you to hang there and believe things will work out. I think the best now you can do is to be there and strong and brave for her (you can do it!). And don’t let you anxiety and fear get you. This time you need to believe in her, just as she did in the past for you.

    I don’t know what to say with the letter idea, as I never felt need for writing myself, but maybe it if helps you, you can do it again.

    I also think you should talk with B, I presume you already did, to tell you that’s it’s not her fault, and it’s normal that you were both shocked and surprised as it was not planned. But maybe it would be good for her to hear that from other person too, maybe someone more objective, so I suggested therapy. I also think that dealing with it this way, only you two knowing about it, is very hard and not the best for you guys. Maybe if you don’t want to talk to hers or yours family, you both (or at least one of you, if she is not ready) can talk to a therapyst. I’m glad you could at least reach here, and we can be here for you.

    Jay, how are you these days?

    #388139
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Dear @Dannydan

    I’m so sorry to hear those news, for both you and B.

    I’ve never had children myself, so admit I can’t even imagine how you or B must feel and I don’t have any experience… But it definitely is one of biggest losses.

    You seem you try to do your best and understand B, help her and show her love, and saying you understand the loss is greater for her… The first thing that came to my mind, was, maybe give her some more time and just he there for her. Maybe she needs more time to process this and grieve. And you can be there for here. We haven’t wrote here about 3 months, and I don’t think that is too much time to grieve this kind of loss.

    Also, did you maybe suggest her therapy, individual or both for you as couple, maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea?

     

    #388131
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    Although I’m not posting, I’m reading tinybuddha blog and this forums, so I just wanted to let you know I haven’t forgot you (any of guys from here, actually), I’ve been thinking about you and  I am thankful for all the support I have received on this topic and in this forums. I was really excited to see a new post here and to hear from any of you.

    I’m now in a relationship, feeling really secure and happy, with the guy I was mentioning in my last posts here.

    I hope everything is okay, and you are free to share what is bothering you.

    #384679
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you @Sammy and @Dannydan, I must say I appreciate a lot you are so glad and happy for me.


    @Sammy
    , I’m from Croatia, I live on the coast. I know Danny mentioned London, where are you from, USA or UK? Here it’s summer, we have a lot of tourists, there are some measures in place still, but compared to winter it’s much more relaxed. It’s been great week and I was also spending time with new guy, biking, swimming and we were on his boat too. And it’s kind of different this time, in a more relaxed way, I would say. Yes, he did interest me, but when he showed interest it also scared me but I managed to relax a bit. We’re getting to know each other better slowly. I actually already met his dad when we went on a boat. I think he is more mature than my last boyfriends, and I’m taking it slowly, trying to enjoy the moments and not think about future.


    @Sammy
    I think, even if @Jay2023 and @Dannydan turned out to be right, it’s good you met with your ex, as now you know you tried and you did everything you could. And now you can concentrate on yourself and your bf. Who knows, maybe the ex sometimes will get to his senses, and maybe not, but you can live your life now, knowing you’ve done everything you could.

    Oh, and the question “Did your boyfriend tell you and news?” – you mentioned in posts before that your bestie acts like your boyfriend will surprise you with something, so I wanted to ask if there is news. This was not related to your ex any way, nor I meant to say he tells you what to do, is jealous, or restricts you. I did not meant that at all, just wanted to ask if there is any other news.


    @Dannydan
    , I’m sorry about the stress from work, but it’s great you and B can be support for each other. I personally think that is really important in relationships, and it’s great you two have that.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
    #384320
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys

    I’ve had a few hectic weeks, mostly because of my work but I’m on vacation now. I had some stressful situations at work and problems, also had to work overtime a few days, and was really tired, but everything I planned is finished and I’m resting now.

    Now I’m on vacation and I also had some news… I mentioned a guy that I found interesting and said it may be mutual. So it turns out it is. I’ve known him a few years through mutual friends and we hanged out a few times. I didn’t know that at first, but it seems we have more mutual interests than I thought. It’s hard to describe how I feel on English language for me and to find right words. But so far he’s really amazing. I really enjoy when we spend time together and we talk a lot, but it’s all in a very relaxed way. And, what is really important for me, I believe he is really mature, and he makes me fell secure, with his way of hanging out and communicating. I don’t think I’ve ever “flirted” (can’t find a better word, I mean – hang out to explore mutual attraction and see if we are compatible in a romantic way or not) with anyone that was just so kind, thoughtful and reliable.

    I’m not sure where this is headed, but I’m trying to relax and not to think about that, even through help of meditation. I will also reread your posts on fear as you suggested.

    How are you? How did you handle your situation with your ex @Sammy? Did your boyfriend tell you and news?

    I read your posts and you’ve been wondering a lot about what your ex thinks Sammy. I know you are very kind and thoughtful person, but I think you should relax and concentrate on your life now. You are not sure about his motivation, does he want to rekindle or just be friends, would being friends help him or not. Maybe you should wait and see, because now your decision depends on something you are not sure about.

    I’m really glad you are enjoxing your days after wedding @Dannydan

    I hope @Jay2023 is also having good time.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
    #383477
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello Anita. Thank you for letting me know I’m noticed here.

    Sincerely, I was very tired this week, with problems and stress from work, so I didn’t post on weekend. I don’t like when I say something and don’t do it (I’m trying not to do that, as much as possible), but I was sleeping a lot and relaxing. And posting here, and also on other topic takes time, because I need to carefully read other replies and then focus on mine. I know you’ll understand.

    I guess you’ve been reading other topic too? I think I felt reading about other people experiences in break up and talking with them will help.

    So my update… I admit  this winter and spring were not the best in my life.. With COVID, and everything closed, I felt kind of sad many times. I think I craved for connecting and meeting new people and couldn’t have it. But it may be for better, as I haven’t rushed into anything either.

    I actually connected a lot with my parents. Mom is such a support, and I also connected with my dad. I feel like he had problems last autumn too, and now he overcame them, and is much calmer and really patient, and he also helped me and supported me a lot. I know you wrote I should go away (I got that advice in other thread too) but I don’t want to. I want to be close to them and I also love this town where I am now. Also, because I know many people here, meeting new ones is much easier, than it was to me when I was living in bigger city alone.

    Now that is summer and things are opening, we started going out and hanging out more and I’ve been called on a few dates. And I admit it’s scary to me. I’m thinking about giving therapy another go this fall. I guess this was expected.
    I however do recognize I’m not rushing now. Actually I think I’m too careful now, and when I get called on a date, I immediately star thinking of problems (we are not compatible because…). And if I find a guy interesting, and he shows interest too, then I feel scared even more.

    I know that is fear, and I realize now I do have problems with that fear and it won’t go away until I deal with it, whether I’m in a relationship or not. So I’m trying to find a way to do that.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Rhaenys.
    #383476
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello


    @Dannydan
    , I wanted to say goodbye to you, since you won’t be online muc more. I will read your posts to me again, I really loved your last one about not settling.. I hope I will experience that love and that connection that you write sometime, as you did.

    I do hope you will pop up here sometimes just to say a short hello, it would be lovely to hear from you.


    @Sammy
    , I read last page, and I found your last reply. I think I read it and wanted to reply, and then Danny came with news and then I wanted to focus on his news, instead of replying to yours, about me, I wanted to let him shine. 🙂 And then no one posted so I was waiting for someone to come here again.

    I think I would love to continue replying here, as I don’t felt I’m in the perfect place yet. I think it’s slowly getting better, but not where I want it to be yet.

    There are some news, I’ve been dating, actually I’ve been called on dates. I haven’t used online apps, those are just a few people I meet in real. One was terrible, we met on a work thing, and then talked shortly during lunch break on work. Then he wanted to see me again, and then things started going strange… He wrote some sex implying stuff, and called me after we just met for 30 minutes to his place, things like that. He was always mentioning how he can’t wait to see me while not asking anything about me. So I broke that really quick, happy I did. It really sounded like he just wanted sex. I admit that I wanted to give him a chance, but wasn’t really that much into him, and it didn’t hurt in that way, but I was kind of feeling “why this has to happen to me”. But I guess it happens to a lot of people so.. It was a bit stressful because he is a college, but works in different building in different part of town, so at least I don’t have to see him again.

    That was experience I didn’t like, other was better, but didn’t feel a connection. However a few guys showed interest so I guess that is a good thing. There is someone else I find interesting a bit, and it may be mutual, which, sincerely, scares me in a way, but also makes me excited and I like talking to him. But I think I should let it to evolve slowly and naturally, whether to friendship or something else.

    So I think I feel a bit better now, with some events happening , sunny days and I live on the coast so summer is a good season here. There are days when I fell really happy I ( think more and more of them), and sometimes I fell depressed. But I think my problem is mostly – fear.
    I guess it’s funny that few guys showed interest, and here am I, scared of ending alone. I also realized with the situation with the guy that does interest me, that now it’s seems I am scared of being alone, but also scared of entering a new relationship. I’m not really surprised of that fear, I expected it.  I also had some problems at work, so I felt fear in that part of my life too. But I really don’t want to live in fear anymore.

    So I like to read about your experience with your new BF, about how it should feel. I’m glad he reassured you after the moving together talk. And I understand you try to not get carried away, and ground yourself, I recognize in myself I’m much more careful now too.

    About your ex, I don’t think you should be friends with him, as I’m not sure if he is ready for that.


    @Jay2023
    , I’m glad to hear news from you, and sad you caught COVID. I hope you will get better son.

    I do know, from my experience too, that keeping yourself busy helps, but I guess if we don’t deal with our emotions and problems, they arise the first opportunity they can. I was keeping myself really busy after one of my breakups before the last one, and that happened to me. I think COVID made me spent a lot of time home, what I hated at first, but not I think  that wasn’t necessary a bad thing. So I agree with Sammy and Danny.

     

    #383215
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello dear Anita.

    Thank you very much for thinking and remembering me, that’s really nice and thoughtful of you.

    Sincerely, I’ve read this and been wanting to write a reply, and thinking about what will I write, but really didn’t know how to sum up everything. I will write a longer reply this weekend.

    Thank you again, I was really touched by your concern.

    #383213
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan and @Sammy

    No, I have not left. I’ve been actually visiting this forums almost every day to check if they are updates or if someone posts without tagging me And of course I react to tags in my mail. I saw your lost post @Sammy before today as an big congrats to @Danny (as deserved, of course) so I didn’t thought you need reply.

    I admit I also felt not wanting to bother anyone, so I guess I avoided posting myself about my life, since anyone else hasn’t posted updates after Danny’s big news (I know you two are great and will say I never bother you). And I’ve been having some good and really good days but also some bad and really bad.

    I agree with Sammy, what you wrote to me is amazing @Dannydan. You both were of much help. I can’t express how grateful I am.

    I’m in a haste today and tomorrow, so I will write a longer reply and update this weekend.

    About one month gift.. you really are romantic Danny. I don’t know… I think you know her very well, better than us. I agree with Sammy. Maybe you could use message in a bottle idea now, and put that poem or thoughts or personal card inside? I’ll reply again if I get another idea.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Rhaenys.
    #382260
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    I just read your post… Wow! Just wow! Congratulations!

    I’m so glad everything went well, with your letter first, than wedding, and also the house and the first night together. 😀 I didn’t know when was the date of wedding, so I admit I was a bit worried, after the letter questions, why there are no news from you.

    So I’m really glad to hear all the news.

    How are the first days going? When is the honeymoon going to be, are you traveling somewhere?

    #382065
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Sammy1 thank you for your reply.

    It seems my cat is ok now. I really appreciate your understanding. It was more a false alarm I guess, but just the thought of losing him now crushed me. Of course I realize he’s not going to live forever and I did lose pets already, sadly. But he meant a lot for me last monts, and sincerely, I think it would broke me if I lose him too during this hard times for me. I really don’t know how would I handle another loss now.

    I don’t think I have clinic or really bad depression.. But I guess I may have a mild one. I’m usually not a very positive person. For example, when I have a break up, I don’t think I will find someone better for me, but I tend to think I will never find someone I will like that much. I payed a psychotherapist last fall, and I spent a lot money on few sessions and wasn’t satisfied, and recently I had to buy a car so I can’t afford that again now.

    Actually the way you describe your experience reminds me how I felt with my last boyfriend. I had a boyfriend before that, who was not treating me very well at the end. He was my first, and all my “firsts” were with him. And then, after also a few interests that didn’t work out (guys would fall for me, then retreat), I met my last boyfriend. And this did happen: “you realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind.” I met him and I forgot all my past, my exes in one night. I fall hard for him. I liked him much more than anyone else, and I was so happy and couldn’t believe how happy I am.

    And yes, he was just my type in terms of looks. Not because he looks like a model, he doesn’t, but I thought he was made the way that is percfect for me and he was so funny and kind and I was so relaxed talking with him, and he made me laugh a lot. Some people tell me now it was just looks, but I know it wasn’t. He just seemed right. And he was really treating me so good and was thoughtful and kind and gentle at first (first year and a half), and I couldn’t believe that after last years with my first boyfriend.

    I think I had closure, because I know he is young and not ready for the things I want. Also, I don’t think his reaction when he realized those difference after our talk was the best, instead of being honest and telling me that, he used the last months to get appart from me emotionally and then he broke up, and that was not fair to me. But I know what happened, I had closure. I just haven’t managed to found anyone else that I felt the same spark for later and that’s why I’m afaid I’ll have to settle. And I miss that a lot. A few guys that had potential didn’t show interest, and the ones that did, I did not see in that way. (This happens to everyone I guess).

    And I want that feeling again. Feeling that I’m with someone who I think is the most wonderful and beautiful in the world (I get that feeling when I fall in love) and whom I would like to show to all of my friends an family because I think he is amazing. And I need for it to bi mutual , of course.

    I get that those things take time, but I wanted partner like that since my early 20s at least. I cared for that more than work, money or anything else (and funny, I never had that much problems with anything else). I always prefered being partnered, and I don’t find much advantages in being single. I’m not a person who liked that, ever. And I did expect to have that at least in my mid thirties. Not because of others, I know I have my timeline, but that is my wish, my own, always was., I wanted to live with my boyfriend at least 10 years ago.

    And now I’m in middle thirties, I even want kids now, but I’m living with my mom and brother and even don’t have my room. I don’t like my life now. And I can’t change that alone, because things that I want to change depend on having a partner. Yes, I could pay a lot money or renting appartment and living alone but that’s not what I want and  don’t like living alone. I would really like to settle with someone, build a life, have a family… And I don’t want to travel with friends anymore, go out, drink and stuff… I’ve never liked that too much and I had enough. I have a deep wish to settle, and find my person. I also won’t have kids alone. I’m complicated, I know.

    I guess I feel a lot like @Shelbyville was describing. Scared of ending up as a lonely spinster.

    These days it’t been a bit better, since it’s summer here,  places are opening, so it’s less depressing than it used to be during winter, at least it feels like there are some chances. I did have a nice weekend, went swiming, hang out with a lot of friends, so it was really nice and I am a bit better today.

    How are you? How are things with your boyfriend, did oyu have a nice weekend?

    I would love to chat and have girly talk with you.

    I’d also love to hear news from @Dannydan and @Jay2023.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.
    #381962
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Sammy1

    Yes, sometimes I do feel like the world beat me down. I remember all those dreams and thoughts when I was a child and I feel that somehow my life hans’t evolved like it was supposed to. You read me pretty good.

    Thank you a lot for encouragment, I felt I need this. I don’t think I’m a person who can settle, I just can do that, so no worries about that.

    Sometimes it feels like not many things are good. Ok, work is okay, but it’s not my passion at all, not even close. My friends irritate me a lot recently, I feel like they are really selfish or don’t understand me at all. And yes I do have a lot of free time, band I watch those tv shows, read books, I go to swins, walks, runs… But I’m tired doing most things alone or with friends who don’t understand me.. Maybe it used to be fun but I always wanted to do many of those things with parter, and it never worked out and now I dread it all. And it’s that, work and home. It’s all routine, routine I don’t like and I want more. I want passion, and I don’t have that for anything now and I can’t seem to find it. I don’t think I really enjoy anything this days, and the whole last year. How did you manage to find passion after break up, @Sammy1?

    And last week I was afraid my cat was sick and that crushed me. I just cried. I felt like if I’m lose him now too I can’t bear it. I totally broke. Luckily I went to wet and he just seemed to need food change, and I think he is ok now. But just the thought of losing him now broke me completley.

    Depressing post, seems that’s how I feel these days.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.
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