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Jay

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  • #383574
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, thank you, I know I have no regrets I done all I could being as genuine as I could and it wasn’t enough so its her loss, pretty sure as time goes on she will have moments where she will think back and wonder what her life could of been like for someone who thought of her the way I did but it’s her loss I know I deserved a lot better so onwards and upwards!

    In my own personal opinion I would think full on no contact is the best option, maybe not just ghost but explain your reasons and then just leave it for now, I think for me it will take years before I can get to that stage because I know how sensitive how I am and it’s just easier to concentrate on your own life, he’ll find his own way and if he does find someone else he can move forward and all parties will be content.

    I’m not sure what the plan will be with my adventure abroad, I want to achieve my own set goals first and then the holiday will be the reward for that so I’ll assess whether going solo or with someone is right at the time. No problem Sammy I will keep you all updated with any milestones or interesting events lol and stay in touch. Ps sorry about the tagging for some reason on my phone it doesn’t let me do it so I’ve struggle to do that!

    #383543
    Jay
    Participant

    Hey Sammy I totally agree with you on a lot you said there, my biggest lesson was learning not to depend on someone for your own happiness, that was how it was for me, before we started seeing each other I was so miserable and hated myself she was like a breath of fresh air and that’s what caused my attachment, the heartache has sparked a fire in me now, I’m so determined to do the things I want to do, I no longer fear the unknown and have such a more positive attitude towards everything, its not just me knowing this it’s also a lot of people in my life have commented on how much I’ve changed for the better and happier I look now so the silver lining of going through that heartbreak is going to be turning a point for me which makes me feel relieved when I compare my life to how it was 2 years ago. I can’t explain why I haven’t met someone yet who made me feel the way she did but I’m not panicking either, what will be will be and of course I recognise all of those bad qualities about her now and know there is better out there.

    The holiday destination has changed now lol I’m really leaning towards Bali, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go so in the new year that’s the plan. I’ve got this new dj project to pour my free time into now as well, the pub I’ve been working in have said I can play in there when I’m ready on weekend nights so good opportunities are arising!

    #383508
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning guys, hope your all well. I’ve been lucky with covid and hasn’t really affected me at all, couple of days I felt a bit rubbish but where I’ve been resting indoors it’s been very manageable, would like my taste and smell to come back soon though lol, just been drinking a lot of water and not too fussed about choice of food. A couple more days of isolation and I can get back to my routine yay!

    I hear what you have all said in regards to dealing with my feelings and in a ideal world I would love to say I’ve closed the door on the them and I’m well down the road with them now but being cooped up indoors it’s hard not to reminisce, I’ve been speaking and meeting lots of new people including females that I’ve been initially attracted to but yet to find anyone I’m drawn to in the way I was my ex. This is essentially why I’ve changed my attitude and outlook on how I go about my life, I love the fact that I’ve become very active and want to better myself anyway I can now on a daily basis, I wouldn’t say I’m burying my feelings and I know it must have been very strong from my end because I wouldn’t still think about it now, having said I know I’m doing right and things are going to fall into place by the end of the year, if I had an option now I wouldn’t change anything I’m so focused on getting where I want to be I’m not desperately seeking a relationship anymore, if it happens then so be it but I don’t need it anymore as I’m happy and content with my own busy schedule and the hunger to learn more. The side job in a pub wasn’t about money, I earn more than enough from my main job but it was a good feeling that I learnt and adapted new skills in a short space of time and was also an opportunity to be able to extend my social network which is why I really enjoyed it and it didn’t really feel like working.

    Rhaenys I’m so glad to hear things have picked up for you socially! Its good to hear your getting out there and enjoying yourself, I’m sure you will get what you seek now we are at the back end of the pandemic.

    Sammy I’m sorry to hear your having conflicting thoughts about being friends with your ex, from my own personal point of view I don’t think it will be possible for me for a very long time, until maybe a situation plays out where I can say yes I’m glad that happened because things worked out for me for the better, until then it’s just best we have no involvement in each others lives and follow the paths we’re on.

    Danny totally understand you might not be as active as you will be a lot busier from now, enjoy the married life bro you sound like your on cloud 9! Hope you can post now and again, I’m not as active but I would still like to share with you all when something does develop for me at some point hopefully lol as you was all there in the worst and hardest part for myself

    #383304
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi guys, thought I would drop a post to say hi, I still keep tabs on how your all doing. First off congratulations Danny, glad the wedding went well and your now in that phase of bliss you’ve been waiting so long for lol. Sammy and Rhaenys I hope all is well with yous as well.

    Unfortunately I’ve managed to contract covid so I’m currently self isolating, luckily it’s not really affected me to make me feel really unwell, just a mild cough although I have lost my sense of taste and smell which I hope doesn’t last for too long lol.

    There’s also nothing to report romantically in my life at this time but I have managed to keep myself extremely busy by taking a second job working part time in a pub which him really enjoying, I helped out over the euros and now working a few hours over the weekend.

    I also went ahead and bought the dj set up I wanted a while back so a new hobby to put my time into.

    Everything was going nicely until I managed to get the virus! Too much time isolating gives you too much time to think about the past and not focus on the future!

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Jay.
    #381666
    Jay
    Participant

    Ahh Rhaenys thank you, your very welcome, honestly don’t think and worry too much about the future because your just adding pressure on yourself to make something work when an opportunity arises, I was too in this mindset but I’ve been able to replace that pressure with enjoying myself and others who care around me, I know something will happen when it’s meant too, I never used to get myself out there and be really shy but I’ve become more confident in myself and I will certainly make someone who I am attracted to know my status to feel out if the feelings mutual, I think with the restrictions easing I’ve realised how many great friends I’ve got around me and will support me, it’s been so hard with covid and that can make you feel like it’s you when it’s not, it’s just limited opportunity, I said before dating apps are not for me so I need to be out and about, I can’t wait to hear when your able to do the same and can meet new people 🙂

    Sammy I’m really glad that insight has helped you, especially when your such a strong person, we all have our moments of doubt but you need not, also that’s really nice of him to say what he has, it shows he cares because he stood for what he feels is right at the moment but was still worried he would of hurt your feelings, like I said it will happen when it’s meant to be, we can all get carried away when something is going really well and we want to strengthen that by taking it to the next level but there’s no rush! Especially when your really enjoying each others time, I’m sure he will be over the moon with the meal your gonna cook him 🙂

    Honestly myself at the moment I’m really content with everything, there’s not much going at this precise time but when something does happen and I would like a different view you will be the first person I come to, I’m actually off work for a week on annual leave, not sure what I’m gonna do though lol, I took the time off because the person I work with is going away and it just makes things easier, plus I’ve only had 2 days off this year, I’m off out tonight to watch the football with friends in the pub so should be a lively atmosphere!

     

    #381656
    Jay
    Participant

    No problem I’ve just read through, my thoughts are that it is probably just timing if you feel everything else is going well, I think with something as big as that it’s better to hint at it at first to feel out whether or not its something you both feel your ready for, having said that there’s no need for any of your old coping mechanisms to resurface, look how much stronger and more knowledgeable you are with everything now than before in the past, I know it’s easier said than done because in your mind it’s something you really wanted but the best thing to do would be act cool about it and let the seed grow that’s been planted, he may feel he’s really happy as things are and doesn’t want to disrupt that so remember it could be a fear from changing something he’s really happy with at the moment, I would suggest forget about it for now and enjoy things as they are and let him make any suggestion about that next step when he’s ready, in reasonable time of course, I’m not saying wait years! But honestly don’t overthink it too much and their is definitely no need for any sort of self destruct mode, just try get back to how things were and enjoy it 🙂

    Just read your post Rhaenys, I’m sorry you’ve had those moments of feeling that way, I too sometimes get a pinch of envy when a close friend becomes involved with a new romantic interest when your still healing and wanting to move on, it’s only natural. I would say being 34 and worried about hitting 40 without meeting someone who you connect with is unlikely, 6 years is a long time! And as you said your summer is approaching and restrictions are getting relaxed so more social environments will become available, I have every faith you will find someone who is right for you 🙂

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Jay.
    #381641
    Jay
    Participant

    Hello Rhaenys, I hope you are well also! Thank you and you are right it was a definitely turning point for me, I think with the way things went for myself being single for so long before the dysfunctional relationship began I didn’t believe I would feel that way about someone else and tried to cling to it anyway I could no matter how wrong it was, now I’m confident enough to know something better will happen and at the very least it has triggered a new lease of life within me and given me a better attitude to succeed and do better for myself, in a way as painful as it has been at times over the last 2 years it is something that needed to happen for me to have a new perspective, I’m also happy and patient enough now to wait until something feels right from both ends rather than just myself.

    Ahh Sammy I’m really sorry to hear that has happened, don’t be too disheartened and let any insecurities arise, I know it can’t be a bit disappointing when the pace is different in each others minds but he just probably isn’t ready for that commitment at this time, at least now he knows that’s what you would like to progress to and is now something for him to think about, you are a wonderful human being and I’m sure he would love to share a home with you at some point! If you need to share or talk about anything I will e sure to give you my opinion and listen as you have done for me through the darkest times 🙂

    With my ex, not a peep now since end of February apart from when I passed her that afternoon outside my local, in all fairness I’m quite glad because there was definitely a window of time where she could of talked me back, I know I said I wouldn’t but I know if she turned the screw I would of folded, now I have zero interest in being involved in her life at all, I may have the odd curious thought but if she was to contact me see how I am I would probably say its best just to leave it as it is and that part of my life is in the past, I’ve noticed how much I’ve flourished without having to feel the need to meet her expectations, I don’t want anything to disrupt that so I’ve probably got a little fear in me of that happening so it’s best just to exclude her from my life all together, my moods are a lot more stable now and I’m generally quite upbeat daily and my social life is really good. The therapy hasn’t happened so far, no contact whatsoever, I’ve not contacted them to chase but feel a little let down if I’m honest, If they do contact me I will still talk to them and see what they say, at this time I wouldn’t stop the medication as I think I’m really feeling the benefits of it, my anxiety is non existent anymore and I’m sleeping properly and eating normally.

    With work I’m with the same company, the job I was working on when I started ended a month ago and I have always had a fear of what would happen after but that anxiety has gone now as it seems my reliability and work ethic has paid off and there is plenty more work coming up, for the last 6 months this job has been the most important thing in my life as I really enjoy it, meeting new people all the time and getting away from my home town, also there has been a more physical element to it now so I’m getting a good work out whilst earning a wage! Also it’s important for me achieving my goals financially so I’m glad everything is going to plan in that respect.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Jay.
    #381634
    Jay
    Participant

    Hello Sammy! I hope you are well, I did go to reply a little while back but the txt got deleted whilst I was in the middle of writing a large response and anyway things have changed since. I’m doing really well in myself, completely moved away from that period of when I was struggling to get through each day without feeling down, a lot more positive in every way.

    My job has changed and is a bit more hands on now than it was when I had lots of down time to reply which is great because I love to be busy and learn new skills, also I did have anxious feelings about whether i would have work after the last big job finished and it seems I have that for the foreseeable future which has made me feel a lot more secure.

    I think the feelings for my ex have long faded now, I only have the odd curious thought of what she is up to but no longer feel sad about it, I now believe a lot happier times await me and I feel that in myself now, a lot more self belief and self worth.

    I mentioned I met someone else who I took liking too and that hasn’t worked out, she’s still too far into her ex and although she liked me I knew she wasn’t ready to move on so I have walked away from that now, it was good for me because I had the excitement and buzz of meeting someone new but also I knew what I needed and recognised it wasn’t going to happen so I walked away before investing any further. I’m now at the stage where i can happily be on my own and work on my own goals without feeling lonely and dwelling on the past which is great!

    I hope everything is well with you Sammy and your relationship and your new home, also Danny a bit disappointing about the postponement of the restrictions for your wedding but never the less I’m sure you will still have a splendid day!

    #380857
    Jay
    Participant

    Hello guys, I hope everyone is well, to let you all know I’m in a much better place mentally and a lot more content with life now. Last few weeks with things adjusting to a new normal and been able to reconnect with a lot of people, I feel like I’m getting back to my sociable self and able to laugh and joke without feeling any sadness.

    My exes bday did pass and I decided to not contact her, I feel now its firmly in the past as enough time has passed that’s its better that way, also the way I feel about the way I was treated and made to feel over the last couple of years I would rather just not have any contact anymore so yes tonnes of progress made with the mindset and nc has ultimately helped me move on in a reasonable amount of time, I have seen some pictures on SM and not to sound shallow but I feel I’m not as physically attracted as I was, nearly every person I’ve seen has said how well I look which has been brilliant for my self esteem and confidence and that I’m going in a good direction.

    Danny and Sammy you was quite right there was a romantic interest that came about! I met someone through a friend and have been chatting and spent some time with her, it is a complicated situation as she has not long split up with her ex and she is clearly not over him so at this time I’m being firmly grounded and not having expectations but have been comforting each other in how we’ve been affected by our previous relationships, it’s also clear there is chemistry and attraction. It has done me the world of good because she is an attractive girl and has a very kind nature and has helped me realise that I can like someone as much as I did my ex and also with this person I can be myself and be liked for who I am rather than trying so hard to seek approval. This may not work out and that’s OK because I do feel this has been a key moment in being confident enough to move on and not look back.

    The therapy still hasn’t materialised lol, I feel I may not need it as much as I did but I’m still going to go ahead because I don’t want to remain on the medication forever and I know it will help me in preparation for when I do eventually come off of them.

    So I’m sorry I’ve kept you all in suspense for a long period of time! I guess with the way my feelings have been changing I just wanted to let it happen without over analysing things but I am a lot happier in myself and not feel I need someone to provide that for me, work has been a lot more relaxed, lots of early finishes in this lovely weather!

    Honestly reading through and seeing the tagged posts to see how I’m doing I feel overwhelmed with the thought and care especially after being absent over the last few weeks.

    I hope Danny the wedding goes to plan and you and b have an amazing day, good luck with everything mate, you deserve it! Sammy I hope everything is going well in your new home and relationship! And Rhaenys I hope all is well with yourself also.

    #380134
    Jay
    Participant

    Evening guys, first and foremost I’m really sorry for not replying I’ve been following your posts and I’m really humbled by the tagging and you thinking of me and what’s going on, I feel a bit guilty for just disappearing but I’ve had a lot going on with all sorts of things and just not had a chance to go into detail about everything, I want to let you know I’m in a really good place at the moment mentally, I’ve got out of the hole I was in and really making progress with my own happiness and how I’m moving forward, I will go into detail once things that are happening right now have developed and I can be more clearer about things, also I want yous to know I’ve really turned a corner in regards to my ex and I’m barely thinking zbout her now so time and events have helped me move on further, in fact if she was to contact me now I would have zero interest in having a in depth conversation, anyway that’s all for now I promise I will post a more in depth update about my life when I’m ready to, I’m just a bit unsure on things at the moment.

    I really hope you are guys are all well and everything is good!

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Jay.
    #379776
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi guys, sorry for the absence especially after the last post, I know you guys really care about how I am and doing but I’ve really not been myself and gone into a bit of a shell. Over the weekend I see a few friends and had a good time but it was just papering over the cracks of how unhappy I feel at the moment. I ended up taking Monday and Tuesday as holiday just because I felt I needed a couple of days to pull myself together, I went back Wednesday as I’ve realised going to work is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment. I feel its a case of just surviving at the moment and waiting for my next burst of positive thinking, I know in myself I’ve got to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Also my friend who’s been having problems has been getting worse and that’s a worry and I’ve been suffering with anxiety again.

    So that’s it really, the battle is still ongoing, I hope you are all well, I have been following your posts and glad everything’s good for you guys.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Jay.
    #379321
    Jay
    Participant

    I’ll be honest with you Sammy I’ve not had a great couple of days, I’ve had a mini spiral of negative thoughts and feel really lost again, I hate saying this after being positive a couple of days ago. I just can’t understand how my moods are swinging like this and at times I’m struggling to find any sort of happy thought, I’m just turning up did work everyday and trying to save as much as I can for when I feel better to enjoy the things i plan to do. I thought as time went on it would get easier and at times it is but I’m still having these days which are really tough. I had a moment of weakness last night and went to a great length to obtain her number from an old phone, not because I wanted to contact her but just to see an updated WhatsApp picture, I know I’m not doing myself any favours by doing things like that but in a moment of weakness I couldn’t stop myself, it is her bday coming up at the end of the month but again I’m not going to send a message, not out of spite because I would like to but I just know nothing good can come from it for myself. I know I need to focus on how I was treated and that I deserved better but I still terribly miss all the good parts and those feelings.

    I just don’t know at the moment within myself, I feel like I’m just going round in circles in my mind and its so frustrating, I actually contacted the place that are arranging my therapy yesterday to make sure they haven’t forgot about me and that should he coming up fairly soon, I’m not going to lie I’m really hoping that’s gonna help because I just don’t want this to go on for what already feels like an eternity.

    #379259
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning everyone, your welcome Danny I’m glad it helped you through that weekend and I felt the relief reading through your last post, I did feel from the beginning of what happened it would help you both as a couple to grow stronger and now you can both go into the wedding without any pent up thoughts. Don’t be too hard on yourself, your only human what matters is how much you care, I agree with Sammy don’t dwell on what’s happened just use it as a learning curve to strengthen your relationship.

    Rhaenys I’m sorry to hear that has happened, it could be for all sorts of reasons and it’s not a reflection on yourself, best thing to do now is just see if the interest is still there from his end and if its not then it’s his loss, I would never rely on tinder as my primary method to meet someone, I’m really not a fan personally I know it works for some people but for me it’s meeting someone in a fated moment that makes it all the more special, don’t get me wrong tinder is a useful tool to chat to people but I think it’s a low percentage of what goes into a long lasting relationship. I’ve not spoke anymore to the person I matched and had a conversation with, like you said it was nice to know for confidence I could chat to someone easily and have a flowing conversation but it wasn’t exciting me or anything.

    I’m pretty much in the mindset now of not having to chase anything to replace my loss and want it to happen organically, sure I’m still having those moments where I desperately miss having someone I connected to but I’m just concentrating on getting on with my own life and working towards my personal targets and I know at some point things will develop for me.

    #379168
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning everyone, thank you for your kind words, I’m glad I’ve been able to make useful contributions to the thread when you was all so helpful to me when I was going through the worst of it.

    Danny I’m glad my posts helped when you’ve had such a difficult few days, I don’t wish them situations on anyone and it’d hard not to start blaming yourself when it’s not even I’m your control and I felt you definitely needed to be reminded of that, although you made an a insensitive comment I feel you will get to the bottom of what’s going on and things will be better for it in the long run, hoping that all levels out for you in the coming days bro.

    Sammy I’m so glad your bf liked the message in the bottle gift! As you said the thought that goes into a gift like that is powerful and also something you can keep forever rather than aftershave etc, I recall last year my ex was having a tough time with her kids and being isolated from the first lockdown I sent her a silver plated rose with a sweet little message engraved and she appreciated that at the time, I like to think she would keep that and have a reminder of a sweet gesture.

    I know I’ve not really commented on my own feelings recently because if I’m honest it is slowly getting easier as time goes on, it’s kind of a sad feeling knowing it’s fading away and she’s pretty much gone from my life now but at the same time it’s good to not have anxious feelings constantly and also to not keep thinking about what’s going on in her life, I am still curious of course about how she is because I think I will always care about her know matter what has happened and how things have turned out.

    I did actually match someone on tinder and have a long conversation with them, the distance is quite far and if I’m honest I don’t really feel like I would like to go any further than just chat at the moment. However it was good to know that I could have a conversation and flow with it, just reinforces that when I do feel like I want to I have nothing to worry about, was a good confidence booster.

    I’ve done well over the last couple of weeks, kept my spending to a minimum so I can try save for my goals, my appetite seems to have returned to normal now so I will definitely have to up my gym sessions! Also I’m getting more sleep although I still wake up first things with anxiety it does seem my body is coping with things a lot better than I was.

    So on the whole I’m not exactly happy and in the best place because I do terribly miss her from my life still but things are moving in a better direction and I’m slowly but surely getting there lol

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Jay.
    #379119
    Jay
    Participant

    Evening Danny, I must say after reading all of that I’m just as baffled as you are to what’s going on, I do think she is being a tad unfair to you though mate, she must of been able to see how it’s affected you and at least deserves to let you know how she’s feeling so you know what’s going on instead of running through multiple worst case scenarios in your mind, I think you definitely done the right thing in not engaging in any sexual activity, seems she is really confused in her own head if she was trying to push that after waiting so long, I’m sure she will appreciate that.

    I really do know what sort of advice to give you now mate I really don’t, don’t push too hard but as I said you deserve to understand what’s going on

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