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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #379684
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Sammy1 mate,

    How are you? Sorry about the late reply I’ve just had a very productive weekend. ‘B’ was very very pleased and sure showed it through my love language ahaha, she was impressed and appreciated the hampers that I sent out to the family, even more than the flowers and doughnuts I sent her! She’s got competition now! I want her to open herself up to receive because she’s such a giver!

    There’s no chance, given the current circumstances I’m going to drop the family comments bomb. She doesn’t need the stress but I did what you said, this morning I wrote a letter and printed it with a time stamp and sealed and put it in my desk. If the same situation arises again then I will give her the letter and discuss it with her after the wedding. I’m just going to sacrifice here for now.

    The house I will be purchasing, yes you heard right I’m going ahead! It’s something I would have considered purchasing even if I wasn’t engaged to ‘B’ they need a quick sell so although a big spend, it is too good of an investment to pass up- it needs doing up, so can be a place you can transform into a forever home or turn a significant profit. I’m actually very traditional though in certain things so I want to be able to buy my wife a home, that’s important to me. I know what you’re thinking if things go pear shaped i could take a financial hit but something like that would never require thought with ‘B’ her morals are so entrenched in her and I love her for it and lately I’m choosing to commit to my love for her and not the fears.

    You’re so on the money Sammy, for a while now I’ve let the fears take control. Much like I did the first time and look where it landed me. It’s really hard, fighting the insecurities is not a quick fix, fighting the ego which wants to just protect itself then you become stubborn and do stupid things! I have my first therapy session booked in this week.

    As @Jay2023 said I don’t want to suffer for my demons anymore either. My own insecurities cause me to project unrealistic expectations or nitpick. ‘B’ doesn’t need to be by my side 24/7, I see the importance of her taking space and I recognise this woman will support me when I really need in dark times or when I’m sick but I must not depend on her too much or expect too much. I want to live a fulfilled life and not keep ruining things with a woman who has been my biggest cheerleader, hypes me, but the best possible thing I’ve gotten is someone who encourages me to be the best version of my self every day. She constantly challenges me. 

    I want to be able to drown out the voices that make me fall short and feel like a failure. I just want to give myself the love I deserve – ‘B’. I want to return it to her in the best way too as she really deserves so much.

    This weekend I realised I need to dig deeper, I’ve grown tired of my defense mechanism from the pain from the ex. It has ruined so much already. Although I’ve come very far from where I was, I have done a lot of healing and maturing, I don’t want to carry any of remaining baggage into my new life with ‘B’. If that means forgiving and forming a new relationship with them so be it. If it means doing 12 step program so be it.

    We’ll see but i want to love from the place you said not from fear of losing. She has always loved from a place of wholeness but lately my fears and issues caused her to feel insecurities and instability. I can’t have her feeling that ever again!!

    Her and I are both grafters we believe on working on love so in many ways we fall in love more each day, it’s been a slow burn not an instant spark.

    I’m grateful for that because she really sees me. With all my flaws she still has this amazing faith in me and my capabilities even if I can’t quite see it myself yet. So it’s about bloody time I looked at me with a magnifier and become better for myself. Then that will make me better for her too.


    @Jay2023
    bro is everything sound in your world? Is subduedness a sign of you having a upswing or needing some space to deal? Here for you mate, I understand what you are feeling on deeper level than you may think. We’re going to make wrongs right and be better mate.  We’re all in this together so got to keep grafting bro.

    #379685
    Sammy
    Participant

     

    @Dannydan

    Yessssss Danny! Fear is such a powerful emotion it can make us believe things that don’t even exist! 

    The key is to just communicate effectively and listen to each other. Never ASSUME anything without concrete proof, it is better to check. Assuming what the other person is thinking or doing based on your own thoughts is the termite of relationships. This behaviour is learned. So can be unlearned with focus. 

    E.g:
    [  ] You don’t hear from someone so assume they don’t care – but that person may be unwell, overwhelmed , busy with a work project etc. Unless you know something for sure don’t assume.
    [  ] Someone doesn’t understand your choice or you don’t get the promotion, so you assume they don’t love you or you’re bad at what you do etc 

    Assumptions leave people feeling misunderstood also creating a negative spiral of thought for yourself. 

    The more you know what you are assuming, the more power you have to change what you are assuming into perspectives that open, rather than close, possibilities for you and your life. So open up your ability to communicate even if scared, so you can love from that place of wholeness that you are capable of! 

    So proud of you Danny for not giving up on working on this. You will make a wonderful life partner and she already sees all this, you need to too! 

    She’s a very lucky woman to have you too. You two numpties needed that space and argument. I think it made you realise what needs to be worked on. Sometimes when you’re in that loved up bubble, you lose sight and can become comfortable. Every now and again a prod is needed to make us appreciate a person who is so supportive more. 

    Wow. The house thing is giving me goosebumps. I really don’t know how she’s going to react. It really could swing either way but that makes it all the more exciting. Remember don’t have expectations just listen and accept the outcome. The love you share is always more important than any other variable. 

    Thank you for getting back to me and giving me an update. Stay in touch, I’m rooting for you! 

    @Jay2023 again don’t know what’s happening in your life. But give us an update when you can, hope you are good. We are here for you if you need x

    #379693
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 thank you for your continued support. I can’t say it enough how much I appreciate and value your time.

    Thank you for always steering me back and providing such intuitive advice. I’m looking forward to this therapy session. I’m looking forward to making myself feel fully better.

    The house is because I feel the need to provide, it gives me purpose. I know ‘B’ is independent but it’s a male thing I want to be able to protect and provide for my partner. As a man I would personally feel a failure if I wasn’t able to do both for my wife. ‘B’ was a little resistant to this view she thinks it should be shared, but after we discussed and compromised some she realised too its a basic instinct for men and actually empowers us. Much like caring and nurturing is for women. I feel that is something I can offer as security and stability to her when she offers me the emotional strength and stability. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have nothing to offer to my partner.

    Part of the reason I love her so much she inspires me to be that better version like this evening she asked if I wanted to join her in supporting her friends at a pro palestine rally in Central London this evening. I’ll be honest I was fearful of what to expect but being amongst that crowd and seeing people fight for a humanitarian crisis was eye opening. Things I avoided voicing support for in the past where family and brother were very vocal i avoided due to FEAR again I was worried how the office or the lads would react, I’ve worked in a very corporate environment but always felt empathy for such causes,  I now fully embrace. Shes opening me up to be who I am at core. I feel better for it.

    I’m feeling a positive wave of change! It’s been a productive few days. You know there’s something in forgiveness. Forgiving yourself first for your mistakes and then making real amends.

    Oh and don’t worry so much about @Jay2023. He will post if he wants to in his own time. I’m sure he’s just taking time to reconnect with himself.

    #379735
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan you don’t have to keep thanking me!

    I may have given you the directions but it is YOU who took the right steps for yourself. Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others. So well done 👏  You are not a coward, you’re able to face up to the consequences of your action so take from that and continue your growth.

    Let me know what therapy is like. Something I couldn’t bring myself to do lol

    Just like for men you feel you need purpose and to be the providers and protectors . As a female we attach too early, it’s something we are naturally wired to do.

    I also happen to innately care deeply for those I become invested in, that is why I get worried when you or @Jay2023 go silent. It’s instinctive. However I’m learning and growing too. So if you boys don’t respond i know TRY to see it as a reflection of YOU and nothing about me not being helpful or supportive enough lol.

    You and ‘B’ are great for each other, I’m so glad you feel you can be yourself now. Those lads really added nothing to your growth, so good for you in breaking away from negative influences. Be proud and I’m sure ‘B’ and her friends and yourself all felt good supporting and being a voice for the oppressed. It’s such a desperately sad situation. My bf being a medic is often upset by the crisis and humanity too. I love his expressiveness and ability to share these emotions so I’m sure ‘B’ appreciates your softer side.

    Also just to add a slow burn is WAYYYY more likely to create lasting warmth and love.

    If I had chased the sparks again, I’d not have given my bf a chance. I’d have lost out on the best relationship by far.

    People chasing instant sparks and wanting to jump each others bones are wanting some sort of Disney love lol. They give up too easily on what could be a lasting connection looking for sparks. Because at the end of it all you want to have someone by your side who will be your biggest champion. To find this type of relationship you want someone you are at least a bit sexually attracted to, who makes you laugh, enjoy their company and click with. Then build the romantic attraction which comes with mutual respect, affection and loyalty. Unfortunately most of us have to learn this the hard way by dating idiots and being hurt and going on an endless search for the sparks or bust!!!!

    Let the wave of productivity thrust you forward after a heavy period you are doing great!

    #379766
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys

    I’m glad you are good this days, @Sammy and @Dannydan. I’m glad everything is going nicely with B, Danny. And I’m really glad for you Sammy too, it’s interesting to read about this connection with your by.

    I had an interesting weekend.. My match from Tinder has contacted me, and asked to meet this Sunday. So I sad, ok, let’s give him this chance, and satisfy my curiousity.

    We are an hour apart, and he came near my town, but he was late and didn’t contact me when he said he will. We had a deal he will get off about 10 AM and contact me when he does, but I got a message about 12:30 PM, that he is there. I went… We had a nice chat, and he seemed nice and both handesome, there was really space for sparks, I could see falling for him.. But I told him I don’t think we are compatible because he was late, didn’t contact me and it seemed to me we don’t have the same views on planning and reliability and told him it’s maybe better if we don’t chat or meet again. We discussed what happened that day and last week (he said that what happened last week was misunderstanding, and he said he end up in traffic jam that day so wasn’t sure when to contact me), and he wanted to stay longer and seemed dissapointed by this…

    So far he listened my wishes. I think I don’t find him reliable, based on all this and that is really imporant for me. I don’t see how can I build trust after all this. So.. I guess I didn’t fall for handsome face and sparks this time. It also seems we have really different way of comunicating, at least in this area. But having someone who is punctual and who I can rely on is really important for me. Someone whom I could trust. And his behaviour is making me stressful and giving me anxiety.

    What happened was really stressful for me that sunday, but since that I’ve been more calm. I somehow feel like i passed the test.  I admit I am a bit sad, more generally then because of him directly this week, and somehow scared and thinking when will my bad luck change. Your views would be really appreciated.

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    #379769
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys can you tag me with @Sammy1 if you need advice because I’d hate to miss your post and leave you waiting if I don’t pop on myself.

     

    Well I think overall you should do what you feel is needed for yourself, if he is causing you harm to your mental health then obviously don’t put yourself in that situation.

    I am a very flexible person in general so my boundaries would be different to most. I like to see things with empathy before drawing a conclusion.

    If you enjoyed his company and he was otherwise courteous you should give him a chance, sometimes like I said to @Dannydan our FEARS can make us self sabotage and we end up giving up too soon. If with a chance he continued this tardy behaviour then obviously leave it there, the thing to remember is you’re still getting to know each other if he doesn’t instinctively have the thought to call then you can only communicate that is something you need rather than instantly expect it. If he is really interested and invested he will take that on board and adjust his behaviour. If he doesn’t then you know he can’t meet your needs so you stop. Hope this helps you Rhaenys.

    Well done on your journey so far!

     

     

    #379770
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you @Sammy1 a lot! I put the wrong tag.

    I don’t know what to think about him. At first he was really nice when we started chatting,  I thought he is really inteligent and interesting, he helped me  with his opinion when I bought a new car, I communicated to him my worry about distance relationship and he assured me. I actually didn’t have a good feeling, but I thought that could be only because of my fears (as you said).

    Then I thought, if he is so nice, give him a chance, but then when I showed interested it seemed to me as he was less interested and messaging less. Again, I could be right in that assesment or it could be my fears, or  just chatting too long without meeting (3 months).

    So we tried to agree for a meet but then problems started. We had a plan for wednesday, and there was a chance he could have to work for longer, but he didn’t communicate that until I asked him late evening Thursday. Than we had a misunderstanding about meeting (he thought we won’t meet, I understand we will met after all on wednesday and I felt he was stringing me along). And than we were not contacting until he all of sudden he send me message late Saturday (22 PM) for Sunday morning. I was thinking I’ll give a chance and said yes. And then he was late and didn’t contact. All that left a really sore taste for me.

    I’m not mad, as at the end he explained himself, it’s more that I’m not sure if we can be compatible because of all that difference in planning and comunicating. He doesn’t seem like a person who likes to plan much ahead, or cares that much about punctuality, and I experinced that with one of my previous ex-es and I was just frustrated most of the time.

    Like you Know here, I had bad experiences, and I do want someone who is reliable and whom I can trust.  He hasn’t contacted since. When we meet he seemed nice. He even payed the bill, wanted to give me chocolate (but it melted) he even hugged me twice at the end. And I felt I was attracted a bit. I started overthinking on Sunday, so I decided to let it go, not to think about what will I do. I guessed  if he really is interested he will contact and then I’ll see how I feel. But so far I guess i felt mixed signals and I didn’t want to push. I explained him how I felt when he didn’t contact, I wasn’t unsure if he is just stringing me alone, and then he understood, but still all that worries me so I don’t feel like contacting him myself. I just asked him if he arrived home, and thanked him for drink and gift, and he replied nicely, but at the time (Sunday) I didn’t felt to continue chat. I guess I had that “red flags” screaming in my head.

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    #379774
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    I guess Sammy may be right our FEARS can make us self sabotage and we end up giving up too soon.

    In my life so far, I think I did the opposite.. With my last boyfriend, I wanted to be in a relationshp so much, I think I rushed a bit, went relationship too soon, ignoring that he is much younger (8 years) and if we want the same things. So this time I want to be patient and calm.

    (Also, the 8 years younger ex was the punctual one, I could rely on him when planning and meeting, and that felt like such nice breath of freas air and really relaxing, so I guess that is importand for me.)

    Also, I was always giving too much chances, and din’t have a courage to end things. I always had that fear and negative feeling, that I couldn’t find anyone better. So this time I really want to be patient, not to rush and like you said, build a connection, not just go with the initial sparks.

    And all this problems at the begining are giving me much anxiety, and I admit I’m  scared, I don’t want to make a mistake.

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    #379776
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi guys, sorry for the absence especially after the last post, I know you guys really care about how I am and doing but I’ve really not been myself and gone into a bit of a shell. Over the weekend I see a few friends and had a good time but it was just papering over the cracks of how unhappy I feel at the moment. I ended up taking Monday and Tuesday as holiday just because I felt I needed a couple of days to pull myself together, I went back Wednesday as I’ve realised going to work is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment. I feel its a case of just surviving at the moment and waiting for my next burst of positive thinking, I know in myself I’ve got to pull myself together and keep moving forward. Also my friend who’s been having problems has been getting worse and that’s a worry and I’ve been suffering with anxiety again.

    So that’s it really, the battle is still ongoing, I hope you are all well, I have been following your posts and glad everything’s good for you guys.

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.
    #379868
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Jay2023

    I’m sorry you had few bad days, and also that your friend problems are worse. I think you can always come here from support, both from @Dannydan, @Sammy1 and too. Actually, I think Sammy would be happy if you tagged her, she wants to help you and care.

    Sometimes when I read your posts, some things sound like I’ve written them. I experience the same, better and worse days. Actually, at the beginning, near after my break up, it was worse, I think my feelings was stronger, especielly in worse days. Now they don’t have such intensity, but they do exist. I also totally feel what you said about work, I feel like not going and taking a break, and then I take a day of work, and it is acutally worse.

    I guess we have to be patient, try to see how we feel and accept those feelings, and maybe find some things we like to do, our passions.  I’m not an expert, because I haven’t still got over this phase, so I don’t know actually what to say to you to help. However I know we can come here and be supportive to each other.

    Did your therapy start?

    You mentioned negative spiraling thoughts in your last post. I think that we have to kick ourselves out of those negative thoughts that start spiraling and getting worse. You have one negative thought, and then you continue to dwelve on it and it goes worse, and after a few minutes of thinking just everything seems negative. So maybe we should change our focus when we have the first negative thought. Very hard to do, I know.

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    #379870
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys love will always require a degree of risk. That is why you have to learn to be okay with being vulnerable. If we stay closed off to protect ourselves we will never allow real love to flood us. When you have enough self love or esteem alongside vulnerability, and for some reason it doesn’t work out, you should love yourself enough to not let it change who you are and impact you in a negative way for long.

    We can use our past experiences as lessons to not take certain actions or spot red flags and we also need to be in the moment that we don’t completely self sabotage. There’s a very fine balance needed. It’s not good to be an extreme of either. Too in the moment makes you impulsive and unaware of the consequences of your actions. Too living in the past makes you miss out on what you deserve and the baggage weighs you down.
    Initial thoughts were he like majority of men during pandemic was bored and lacked stimulation so had no intention to meet. But he made an effort to meet you so you have to give him some credit.

    However if this guy is consistently tardy or letting you down with communication and that’s giving you anxiety just call it quits and tell him that. BUT even if he was playing games you can CHOOSE to be mature about it, don’t be hypocritical and choose to ignore addressing him because that very same thing hurts you, so don’t do it to others.

    Just communicate and say these are my needs , you make me feel x and I feel my needs are better met elsewhere. The way a person behaves in conflict situation is actually a mark of their character, how emotionally stable and mature they are.

    It’s fine if after dipping your toes in the pool for the first time, it didn’t work out. Just keep learning from it and growing. It will happen when it is meant to.

    Don’t fall into the trap of needing to play power games to get someone. Love is not meant to be like this. Just be YOU and if someone doesn’t understand or accept you as a person it is their loss. Don’t go into any relationship with FEARS it will cloud your judgement.

    @Jay2023

    I’m glad to hear from you. I thought as much after reading your last post and that is why i was concerned.

    You are going into your shell but you need to keep channels of communication open even if it feels challenging. Because whether you have a diagnosis of clinical depression or not – isolation is dangerous it will cause a spiral of negative thinking.

    Feeling ashamed, feeling shit about yourself is not needed.

    You need to take action Jay, you need to not just mask over things with distractions. You need to really connect and engage with people who really care about you and haven’t given up and want to listen openly, so don’t push them away. We always end up pushing away the ones who want the best for us instead of taking them up on their offer to be there.

    If they didn’t care they wouldn’t bother. So no matter how conflicted your emotions are don’t just sit their passively waiting for them to wash over you, you have to confront them too. If you’re feeling confused talk it out and talk it out some more. Ignoring something will never make it go away. It will just brew inside you leading to anxiety and one day explode into other health problems.

    The urge to back away, to shut off and isolate is expected. But this isolation, in turn, only feeds depression and makes it worse.


    @Dannydan
    and I will support you but having irl support is very important too. Just like when I was drinking @Shelbyville and @Tim1 were a godsend but i needed people irl to back it up too.

    Do you have people who care and want you to be happy to whom you can share how you really feel, be open and not feel judged? Because it’s time to swallow the pride, the negative self critic or view needs to be hushed. So accept the help if you really want to improve your happiness. Life will put people in our lives for reason You don’t have to just survive you can thrive from all this.

    Why have you gone into your shell? What are the confused feelings Jay? What is your inner critic having you believe?

    Do get back to us, as hard as it may be. I try not to get frustrated by you opening up and shutting down because I understand there’s an internal battle happening but people care about you Jay, you can overcome this by accepting the hands reaching out. In the end it is your choice x

    #379881
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Sammy1 @Jay2023

    So I went to therapy, it was eye opening!

    The therapist picked up on how I was anxious avoidance or fearful avoidant and after probing excessively about my childhood said it probably originated in the fact as a child I felt like a dork and had hard time fitting in and relating to my peers and some other stuff.

    We discussed the ex and how because it was my very first relationship I went into it without the fear as everyone does. But I was also unaware I lacked the tools to deal with a potential breakup having never experienced one. However since being hurt and betrayed it triggered the attachment style again and made me react the way I did subsequently.

    She said after a breakup it was very common to attract those who were insecure or unstable, making us depressed that we are not in a healthy secure relationship. She said it was easy to say the other person was the problem but usually lies within us!

    She explained that when I finally met someone secure, available and able to express her needs and wants the reason why I rejected a close bond with ‘B’ the first time was the intensity of intimacy we shared was scary and I focused on the potential it had to hurt me if it grew stronger, so opted to contort things to fit my own narrative and pushed her away by being avoidant.

    She pointed out Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. But they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress (explains the argument we had). That we avoid seeking help because we are distrustful after being hurt in the past which is a shame because we are also incapable of sorting through our own issues alone ahaha.

    The therapist pointed out I had done quite well to unlearn some of this attachment behaviour and the fact I was able to reconnect with ‘B’ and sustain it was positive i was pushing through the fears, improving my self esteem and looking for help externally and not relying solely on her to sort through my emotional issues was great progress. She said I needed to continue to be fearless in love as it was the only way to love again after any heartbreak. She said it was great ‘B’ was a pillar of strength but to avoid her feeling overwhelmed, resentful I had to continue working on dealing with my emotions better and self esteem.

    The SHOCKING part:

    I discussed the ex and ex best mate and told her how they had reached out. Therapist said it was fine to tell someone who had hurt you that you no longer wish to talk but it had to be expressed verbally.

    She said the next part you’re not going to like.

    She said I was lying when I said I was avoiding drama or trying to take the high road by not responding. It was actually me being EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE. She said ignoring them after they reached out was actually a way for me to inflict pain without leaving a mark and punish them.

    She said I may have been hurt but I was now trying to exert power. Have control and make them feel bad. She said if not addressed then this very common behaviour in fearful avoidant types can seep into other areas and future relationships. I was quite shocked and disgusted with myself to be honest because it has truth.

    She said we are all manipulative to an extent that for example acceptable manipulation can be in form of smiling and making eye contact which are considered healthy ways to increase the chances of human connection.

    But when manipulation is used to avoid vulnerability and establish power over others, it becomes unhealthy.

    She said this unhealthy  manipulative behaviour of using silent treatment arises because I lack effective communication skills.

    Also because in my first relationship I lacked boundaries and had to learn to recognise I was also at fault it wasn’t just one way. She said I now avoided direct communication because I was punished when I was vulnerable. As a result, it triggers unhealthy behaviour in us, so the original means for connecting was overridden and replaced by strategies centered around avoiding any sense of fault. This leads to indirect communication or passive aggressiveness and a refusal to be accountable for our actions.

    The therapist said i had to work on cultivating healthier communication patterns, and find better ways to get my needs met. She said it was enough for today, the session was meant to be an hour ended up being 3!

    A lot to absorb but I think she’s right I am still feeling a deep sense of victimisation from the first relationship and it’s contributing to unhealthy behaviour. So need to knuckle down an tackle it. Because I sure don’t want to end up being an emotionally manipulative twat even if it’s happening subconsciously!

    I thought therapists would be fluffy if you know what I mean, I was expecting to cry because she was very direct and straightforward. I think it is what I need. Let’s see how it goes. Expensive job working out your feelings. I envy the likes of ‘B’ who have the tools to deal with their feelings healthily the majority of the time but I want to get there so I’m determined.

    @Sammy1
    I’m glad I reassessed the company I kept. With ‘B’ the lads used to tell me to play games and ignore her too to show I had control and mock her expressiveness, call her a cocktease. I allowed it to influence me. But she’s more well rounded, kind,  compassionate and humble in her pinky finger then all of their bodies combined! I’m feeling like a better human being for it. I don’t need validation from that crowd anymore. I am inspired by ‘B’ she has an inherent need to leave a positive mark. I want to follow in those footsteps. We have both been very vocal and supporting the Palestine cause some tough conversations have been had in my workplace and I’m glad for speaking out instead of always shying away from conflict. Learning to speak my mind is another trait of ‘B’ that has positively rubbed off on me.

    I couldn’t agree more with your take on the Slow Burn vs. Sparks debate. Coming from a very red blooded male, learning to control my sexual urges to focus on an emotional connection has been the most testing but also the most fulfilling and rewarding relationship experience I’ve ever had. I’ve undertaken so much more growth since knowing ‘B’ than I did throughout my life.


    @Jay2023

    I can only echo Sammy’s words. I don’t think this is about your ex anymore. I can tell from your behaviour patterns that I mirrored myself there is something deeper unsettling you. Depression is a silent killer mate. It insidiously grows inside us. The only way to fight it is to grab the reigns and take back control of our own feelings. Has therapy come through?

    I’m no finished product. I’m still growing but the difference is I’m growing with someone amazing by my side. This doesn’t mean you have to have a partner to get better it just means you have to have people who will challenge you give you compassion alongside a healthy dose of a reality check, who will champion us even when we’ve hurt them, pushed them away. But instead of feeling guilt, we let it inspire us to be better. But we can only be helped if we accept it. I could only be loved by accepting ‘B’ love. I can only move on from my mistakes by accepting my actions and the consequences. Then amending.

    Are you ready to accept hard truths? Are you ready and willing to face those conflicted emotions you have been suppressing?

    You and I in many ways are very similar, in other ways you’re already a far better person than I am.

    Sammy and I are ready to talk and listen. I’m sure you are very cared for in your life too. So time to accept the branch and those reaching out to you instead of going inward and shutting people out. Let me tell you it will make things worse. You might recover for few days but will always find yourself back at square 1 because you’re not addressing things properly

    I feel you’d pain and here for you bro. But as an adult only you can choose to accept or reject support.

    Time your friend also did the same and addressed his problems and accepted help.

    Unfortunately I know when you feel like this and you’re tired of wearing the mask. You just become overwhelmed and want every feeling to switch off. It’s okay to retreat only to regroup. You don’t want to spend your days just surviving. Might be a poor example but ‘B’ was telling me yesterday that the Palestinian people after oppression , being bombed mercilessly still got back up to celebrate their beliefs and festival. We need to take from these situations the power of resilience. That resilience comes from knowing who you are, having strong belief. In many situations I found myself unable to cope was because I actually didn’t have a strong sense of self.

    Read this article. I read for myself today
    www . psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifespan-perspectives/202003/seven-skills-resilience

    I don’t have the same patience and persistence as Sammy or my ‘B’. These special type of women are just impossible to match in energy ahaha. So @Jay2023 if you don’t reply or shutdown again, I’m letting you know I do care bro but you got to take those steps man and ask.

    #379934
    Sammy
    Participant

    Wow! @Dannydan I had a busy weekend but after reading your post this afternoon put some time aside to reply properly.

    Therapy sounds like a character assassination lol. Good luck @Jay2023 😅 no I’m joking. I really am.

    I like being challenged with hard truths. Just not that brave to be “naked” with my feelings face to face in person with a stranger, I think the slightest raised eyebrow would put me

    But wow! Emotionally manipulative!!! Are therapists allowed to even say that??? I think I would have started crying lol.

    Think this therapist is very direct because you are open to it, certainly seems you were unreserved and had no holds barred communication which in the end will benefit you and make you improve faster. Considering you mentioned you are sensitive at times, honestly WELL DONE Danny, that’s so brave!

    I see where your therapist is coming from, I will be honest, when you first posted, I thought you showed narcissisticness in you. I don’t think you’re a narc BTW just some streaks of that behaviour, which turns out was actually rooted in INSECURITY and your attachment style. The amazing thing is you’ve taken ownership of your own shit and want to change. Most people never change. Which is why I always sing your praises now!

    When you were with ‘B’ the first time you said yourself you felt like a sadist, punishing her through your actions, for the pain someone else made you feel.  The therapist has now managed to coax out of you, that you also intended to use that defense mechanism in form of silent treatment on your ex and ex mate as revenge, to punish and to control (whether they deserve it or not is another matter its the fact you’re using unhealthy tools to cope with your feelings) in your argument you also called ‘B’ controlling when she suggested you reply to them and not ignore someone, it didn’t occur to me then but that was you projecting.

    You could have easily got your back up with the therapist and even become stubborn with ‘B’ but you didn’t. You have the ability to change and you are, so more progress there in itself. The therapist is right you can unlearn bad habits and behaviour only if you CHOOSE to. You have chosen to!

    Treating people poorly through passive aggressive ways is a habit built over time. It may be as a child you were taught not to speak your mind or doing so led to negative consequences i.e. you being bullied as a child for being a “dork” or Sometimes we meet people who are equally passive and unable to deal with emotion healthily so gladly ignore back thus the issue remains unresolved and you think you have avoided ‘conflict’. But what really happens is it reinforces this bad behaviour eventually what you see as avoiding conflict becomes abuse.

    Someone mature and empathetic like ‘B’ will always apologise for upsetting you whilst wanting to know why you are reacting in that way to help. It is often these patient, compassionate souls who end up becoming unknowingly abused if this behaviour is not changed, so well done on confronting this.

    It doesn’t matter how understanding a person is, we should remember there is no excuse for stonewalling someone. It is better like your therapist said to express your feelings. Silence triggers the same neural response as actually being physically hurt. It’s abuse. Not saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment and taking few hours to cool down is okay and descalate a situation. However taking days, weeks and months to acknowledge a situation or address it is a form of control and manipulation.

    I 100% confident you love and care for ‘B’ and do not want to consciously afflict any negative habits in your relationship. So deciding to seek help to resolve that buried pain from your last relationship and get to bottom of your behaviour is something you owe to yourself because you’re actually a very good person; why else would you be willing to learn from your mistakes? Also making amends with your ex mate, doesn’t mean you create a space for him, it means you’re vulnerable enough to say exactly the way you were made to feel it will not make you weak by expressing you were hurt. If healing leads to reconciliation cool if it doesn’t you’ve done the most healthiest thing not only for yourself but them too. That speaks volumes of your true character.

    You also owe it to ‘B’ because she cares, she stood by you and never punished you for the hurt or pain you caused her. She instead discussed it with you, that discussion is what resolved that chapter and healed you start another. Just like my ex and I discussed our issues all emotions on the table, pure vulnerability and our outcome wasn’t a reconciliation but we are both better for it and not going into any new relationship with baggage. You can see the difference in communication between a Healthy secure person (B) vs. Unhealthy insecure person (You). Like your therapist said you’ve done so well to unlearn so much of it so far so keep going Danny.

    Problems are never resolved through silence but communication and expressing ALL our emotions in a positive constructive way. 

    Keeping them suppressed leads to anxiety, depression and in turn unhealthy behaviour. It is why I’ve decided to be direct and I’m about to say this to you @Jay2023.  I have noticed when you are overwhelmed you shut down or deflect. You lack the tools to cope.

    I understand your pain. Have compassion for your situation but the way you respond is to push people away and isolate yourself. You are the one feeding your negative thoughts, anxiety and depression.

    You need to talk it out and talk it out some more , so you learn to communicate and deal with your issues better. Because without realising it you are also unconsciously STONEWALLING too. I don’t know if you do this in your real life interactions? I don’t know if you’ll even address it on here. But there’s a definite pattern I’ve noticed online, so i want to offer an insight and give you perspective; you posted a post saying you were desperately unhappy again and not sure why your emotions were swinging, we all messaged you out of concern and care but we didn’t hear back. Then you openly admitted you had read the posts silently. But you went into your shell and didn’t acknowledge them. Sometimes taking space is needed that is fair but just to let you know in that space I at least was very concerned for you and your mental health all it required was you communicating you need space. That’s the difference between healthy communication and unhealthy behaviour.

    If you keep reacting in that way those that care enough and are met with no response or silence will be hurt because they feel helpless more than anything. People who love you will of course be patient. But don’t take their compassion and kindness for granted. 

    I would hate for you to ruin your own happiness or keep entering relationships which are unhealthy. In the right relationship these defence mechanisms can cause resentment and you will ruin stuff for yourself as well as hurt those who you most likely care about deep down.

    Surviving is not living. Ignoring or retreating from inner conflict or feelings never works. Can you see how this is not good for your mental health? You probably will not like this observation but it’s only because I care and I hope you at least think about it and take action for your own happiness and growth. Just like Danny, you need to work on this issue because it is an unhealthy coping mechanism and can be abusive if left unchecked.

    I blame the stupid advice and articles out there, it is so sad how communicating all feelings including negative feelings constructively is considered as ‘conflict’ and silent treatment is advocated for by so many! Confused people who have low self esteem go in search for answers and are met with ridiculous gameplay. Instead of being taught how to properly communicate.

    For you Danny, ‘B’ is rubbing off on you in a very good way and you’re receptive to it. She’s a communicator and mature and not afraid to nudge you in the right direction. Not many have that kind of person in their lives and it’s good the therapist is pointing out uncomfortable truths because in a romantic relationship exhibiting the behaviour mentioned above is a recipe for losing trust and like I said can grow into emotional abuse.

    I read an article once where a woman had broken up with a guy because he had let down. Instead of discussing it with him she went on to say women love to get all of our feelings out, men being immature prefer to bottle them up. That women send essay-long texts that cover every inch of their emotions yet men do not reply to them!

    At this point of the article I was like this is so TRUE TRUE TRUE and thought she would say at least those who express their emotions can move on better. Learn to be true to themselves. But then she went on to say revenge is best served cold, so it is time to punish men 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

    She advised if men come around turn it on its head and give them the silent treatment, don’t reply.

    She was like this will smack the ball straight in his face and you’ll have control. He’s going to wonder why you’re not replying and you will completely be empowered, feel better about yourself by refusing to acknowledge him and he’s going to get frustrated by not receiving a response. Cue him looking like the needy one. Like WTF?????

    I was aghast by the end, some poor lost soul will follow this ridiculous advice and perpetuate this poor behavior. Literally as I read this article I thought how infantile is that? What does that say about you if you need to resort to such tactics to feel good about yourself – you have no self esteem and actually place all your worth in the other persons hands. It emphasises a lack of emotional intelligence and fails to address the main reason relationships fail because people lack communication skills and have an inability to cope with emotions with the right tools. Instead she was teaching readers control,manipulation and fake empowerment. There’s so many similar articles out there no wonder people are a mess!

    But keep going Danny I think you will weed out this issue and be an even better man for it.

    I know you also wrote to @Jay2023 about resilience! I loved that and learned so much I agree who better to demonstrate this then the Palestinians.

    Over the past week it’s made me have a whole new found respect for my bf. This has challenged me to develop my self further. My bf is very pro freedom and never afraid to speak his mind about his feelings, he is 100% authentic and will stand by his morals no matter what others may assume.

    I realised the difference it makes when you’re with someone who knows who they are, their values, they are not passive,  they don’t sit on the fence, it rids you of confusion. So boys don’t be afraid to be expressive, be vulnerable. It doesn’t make you weaker it is what actually empowers you. X

    #379959
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice @Sammy1.

    I read and thought about your post. You may be right, I had some fears. But I did tell hem my fears in the beginning, and also how I felt about our problems when trying to agreed to meet. I was sincere one, and didn’t play games. And yes, he was letting me down in communication, last month, also letting me down when we tried to agree for a meet, and actually a few times. (For example, even when he knew he wont be able to make it, the first day we tried to agree, he didn’t communicate it  immediately, I had to wait for hours for his reply.)

    Also, when I tried to get to know why is this change happening, he was evasive and he always ignored or changed the subject. I was sincere and told him about my hesitation at the begnining, he didn’t even have to ask. So… I think I was open and vulnerable and he wasn’t really completley  sincere and communicating with me.

    I’m not trying to say it’s his fault and that he was leading me… Not at all. I’m not even mad. Maybe he is just a good guy, and we had a misunderstanding. But we obviously have different ways of communcatiog and his ways make me anxious. So I don’t think that situation was good for me, as it wasn’t feeling good. I realize as I have been hurt, and if I enter a new realtionships, or just start dating, fears will arise (and they did). But his behaviour was making them really worse. I don’t think that’s good or healthy for me.

    I admit after what’s happened, I’ve been a bit more sad this weekened. Also, one friend whom I said what happened was mocking me a bit, saying I was overacting and said a comment about how other people she knows now have dates or have found boyfriends during pandemic and I don’t even have a date.. And I’ve tried to help her anytime when she says she has hard time at work (and she says that every week). So when you try to help someone and then get this reaction when you need supprt, it makes me really disapointed and angry  actually. It’s those problems with friends I’ve been mentioning last week, now again. Actually I’ve been reading older posts from this topic and I’ve found you were having problems with friends @Sammy1 too, when you were in crisis.

    So I had a lousy weekend, and was being home and sad a lot. After what was happening with my friends I wasn’t really in a mood for hanging out with them, so I was home. My mom is and was always a big support, and I was a bit more calm yesterday afternoon and spent big part of day playing piano, I do enjoy that a lot. I think I’m really going to focus on friends that care and try to understand me, even if they are minority.


    @Dannydan
    , that was really interesting post. I think from a few years ago, also after breakup, I read about all those attachment styles, and all the things your therapyst explained to you.


    @Jay2023
    , how was the weekend?

    • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Rhaenys.
    #379964
    Sammy
    Participant

    Hi @Rhaenys

    Sorry you had such a downer of a weekend. I think like I tell the boys you need to really work on the self esteem. It’s okay you went on a date and didn’t quite feel it. If he is doing things to make you anxious then it’s okay to say NO. It’s great you have maturely communicated that across to him and said so rather than ignore. Don’t feel like you have to settle, stop listening to people who make you feel crap for not being in a relationship. Everyone has their own timing. What you need to work on is YOU and building your worth, learn to not expect everything from a person either, if you go back pages I wrote a post to @Jay2023 about hope and expectations. It applies to us all.

    Yes in my crisis I pushed everyone away, I went on a cutting rampage. I felt bitter and angry, became obstinate it was at a time where all i felt was self pity and some people deserved to be dropped but some there was a lack of communication with so I have since apologised and made amends. You have to be careful that you don’t go to the extremes when creating boundaries otherwise you will end up isolating yourself and hurting even more.

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