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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #383957
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 so sorry I haven’t replied because you didn’t tag me , I assumed there was no message but got a notification today but can see that’s because of Danny and just read you can’t tag on your phone. So next time, I’ll try checking the forum sooner.

    That feeling of her having moments will disappear the very moment you become happy within. Also when you’re in a new relationship and having all your needs met you will not care she didn’t choose you or want her to regret her choice. You will be glad, you will not feel like you do now once you find the right relationship. If you loved her deeply you’ll just be left with wanting the ex to thrive. If it was infatuation you will not care or get any warm feelings when thinking of her. How do I know that? Because I’m there. You’ll slowly but surely get there too.

    I have some update @Dannydan and @Jay2023. My ex when I deleted him on SM, contacted me a few days later and I know you both said stay completely no contact and I have. I feel so cruel and it’s making me feel horrendous but I’m going to try to see it through allowing him to heal and assess his needs and relationship without me as a variable.

    My boyfriend has been so great and he’s incredibly mature and secure in himself and that makes me feel more attracted to him each day. I’m trying to stay level headed but I’m both excited for us and sometimes anxious. I feel once he moves in that will be the big milestone in our relationship because he sees it as equivalent to being married and my bestie has been dropping hints that he is about to surprise me with something lol.

    Jay you’re doing the best thing for yourself. Fulfilling your own goals and planning adventures without desperately seeking a relationship to fulfil you.

     

    Danny how’s married life? You seem snowed under so don’t worry if you can’t reply.

     

     

    #384098
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 married life is in many ways similar to our relationship prior because we have always shared a close emotional connect, the added extras such as the none restricted physical side and waking up every morning beside her continues to gives me a fuzzy feeling. I don’t think I’ve looked back once since marriage and thought of or even looked at another woman than ‘B’ that’s how mesmerised I am with her.

    I have noticed one major difference, I feel a greater sense of responsibility and pride in her than before. I take our vows seriously and know how important this commitment is to me. It’s not something to take lightly and should definitely not be rushed into for the wrong reasons because I can imagine and understand how easy it is for the union to crumble when you live together to realise something is missing, I can see how for some when married those thoughts may occur.  It’s almost like the new annoyances you discover tell you; this is it. Now if you ever felt unsure initially it will just fester insidiously that you are missing something. If you made your choice based on the right reasons your relationship just goes from strength to strength. That’s why I don’t think marriage should be rushed. Very rarely do you get a partner who is honest and authentic as ‘B’ so usually living together is when you realise who your partner actually is. So take your time.

     

    I think @Jay2023 and I are telling you how we would feel and in most cases men are the same. However, how do you feel? I know you don’t want to prevent your ex from moving on but is ignoring him causing you a bigger internal conflict? I know you are very giving so ignoring must be going against your own grain. If it’s disrupting your inner peace then communicate. Tell him you wanted to be friends but feel doing so may be hurting him. I’ve come to learn nothing beats honest conversation even if it means confronting the hard truths. Let me know if you need anything an @ away. Look after yourself Sammy! You are strong, resilient, giving, caring woman and any person not just the men are lucky to have you in their life mate!

    #384211
    Sammy
    Participant

    Oh @Dannydan maybe I’m hormonal but I’m very tearful after reading your last post when did you become so wise. Thank you for your non judgement and asking how I feel.

    So many people automatically judge that it is wrong or ridiculous for still caring about an ex or that it means you haven’t moved on but it takes someone with emotional intelligence to understand.

    I can be madly in love with someone new and still care about my exes journey. The two can coexist. As long as there’s no unresolved romantic feelings on my end, which there isn’t you can be a part of each others lives.

    I have been a little conflicted because I wanted us to be friends, I understand if there are still feelings on his side I don’t want to hurt my ex in anyway by giving him false hope or stoke the flames by being on his radar.

    Ignoring someone is something I hate , it really doesn’t sit right with me, I find stonewalling rude, toxic and immature behaviour.

    I’ve always believed it is better to have a difficult conversations to reiterate your feelings or position until the other person accepts that it is done and dusted. It’s a whole lot more kind too. Instead of silence and burying your head in the sand hoping whatever the problem is will go away.

    Throughout my whole relationship with my ex, I was the one who would try to talk, have open channel of communication to which he would put up walls, show resistance or ignore.

    There’s moving on and there’s moved on 100%. I have reached the latter now, where I laugh about how desperate I was to rekindle, now if an opportunity ever came about, I would never want to revisit us, which is why I’m able to consider being friends. He might not be there yet or ever get there if he has regrets.

    I just feel like a hypocrite now to be enforcing no contact and ignoring his messages.

    However you and @Jay2023 as men keep stating it helps you to heal to have no contact and prevents long term pain so I’m willing to try something different because I want him to thrive in life and in his new relationship so much.

    At the same time my ex definitely knows I have let go, I told him, but he continues to contact me so I’m wondering, am I making assumptions or being swayed by hearsay that he wants me back romantically?

    Should I have asked him directly before imposing a blanket ban again, instead of being swayed by assumptions or information from possibly biased friends who selfishly want us to rekindle.

    It could be like myself he cares about me and also wants to be better friends and isn’t wanting to discard someone who was a vital part of his journey?

    I shouldn’t believe like most men he has an ulterior motive of worming his way back in? Danny and Jay, am i being naive? I don’t know. I don’t really know him anymore either.

    Above all I just want him happy and my own relationship to fruition and work, that’s my top priority.

    Luckily for me I have a very mature and experienced partner who understands the complexity of human emotions.

    We rarely talk about our exes,  I wouldn’t want my current partner to feel like I’m living in the past, I believe in living in the present. When we do have a moment he doesn’t make it uncomfortable or vice versa. I love that quality about him, I can tell him absolutely anything that’s worrying me and sometimes without even wanting to it pours out to him because our emotional connect is so strong.

    That’s the foundation I’ve always desired, strong communication and being in sync. He never shuts down when we have differences, he never avoids conflict. He knows who he is and I know who I am and we have both become fearless in love and able to be vulnerable and say we really want each other. I feel secure in this relationship because of that. I am able to introspect my feelings without him feeling I’m questioning my love for him.

    He is such a strong mature man who knows what he wants it is a very attractive and amazing feeling. Something my ex never gave me because he was insecure beneath that facade.

    There was a point in time I was in love with my ex and he has a corner in my heart but that’s all it is. I continue to care and that is why there’s a struggle with what is best for him. No contact or contact?!

    I will never be in a romantic relationship with my ex again, I forgave him but we didn’t work for close to five years. That meeting face to face was the turning point for me wanting better for myself and I was able to walk away from from being intimate with him in a very highly charged moment where I could have succumb. It made me feel proud that even though we had the chemistry and pull I didn’t just spread my legs to make a man want to be with me. It was a moment my outlook for that relationship changed and I showed the love I’m capable of giving to others by giving it to myself.

    Maybe my ex thinks because he’s finally caught on and changing that he’s going to be able to be the man I wanted and we can start afresh from scratch but I no longer trust or love him in that way after learning to love myself and then meeting someone who has taught me how love should be.

    My situation is so different to yours Danny. ‘B’ was always there for you and an amazing partner and most importantly she walked away at the right time before you became too entrenched and prevented certain memories from becoming tainted. Your physical relationship is built on your emotional connect and you were able to begin anew after seeing sense when you experienced regrets.

    Thing is I never had any regrets with my ex because I was always all in and it still wasn’t enough for him. It led to deep resentment and I never ever want to be made to feel like that ever again.

    You can’t stop caring or turn emotions off. So here I am, typing away trying to solve whether I’m doing the right thing. Hurting him now so he hurts less further down the line. I don’t know if any of that makes sense guys lol. I’m also very hormonal right now.

    @Dannydam i can really tell you take your commitment and vows seriously. Well done on shining a light on the reality of marriage. Living with a person is definitely the litmus test of relationships.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Very few people are as unambiguous, honest and can speak their mind like your ‘B’. So you always knew what you were getting. For most the true colours are revealed once you live together and if you have rushed into narriage without living together then it’s down to you to work hard and accept you settled. I never ever want to settle for the wrong reasons like settling out of loneliness, as a race against my ex or worrying times running out for children like so many do. They in the end wind up more lonelier in the marriage than they started.

    You’re very lucky man to have such a strong woman by your side. Continue to be proud of each other and work on your love!

    #384320
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys

    I’ve had a few hectic weeks, mostly because of my work but I’m on vacation now. I had some stressful situations at work and problems, also had to work overtime a few days, and was really tired, but everything I planned is finished and I’m resting now.

    Now I’m on vacation and I also had some news… I mentioned a guy that I found interesting and said it may be mutual. So it turns out it is. I’ve known him a few years through mutual friends and we hanged out a few times. I didn’t know that at first, but it seems we have more mutual interests than I thought. It’s hard to describe how I feel on English language for me and to find right words. But so far he’s really amazing. I really enjoy when we spend time together and we talk a lot, but it’s all in a very relaxed way. And, what is really important for me, I believe he is really mature, and he makes me fell secure, with his way of hanging out and communicating. I don’t think I’ve ever “flirted” (can’t find a better word, I mean – hang out to explore mutual attraction and see if we are compatible in a romantic way or not) with anyone that was just so kind, thoughtful and reliable.

    I’m not sure where this is headed, but I’m trying to relax and not to think about that, even through help of meditation. I will also reread your posts on fear as you suggested.

    How are you? How did you handle your situation with your ex @Sammy? Did your boyfriend tell you and news?

    I read your posts and you’ve been wondering a lot about what your ex thinks Sammy. I know you are very kind and thoughtful person, but I think you should relax and concentrate on your life now. You are not sure about his motivation, does he want to rekindle or just be friends, would being friends help him or not. Maybe you should wait and see, because now your decision depends on something you are not sure about.

    I’m really glad you are enjoxing your days after wedding @Dannydan

    I hope @Jay2023 is also having good time.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #384431
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1

    I still stand by my original point, if you think I’m off the mark ask @Jay2023.

    It’s very difficult for a man to remain platonic friends with an ex he once loved or was serious about. At the very least sex will always find it’s way back on the table if you stay in contact with any residual feelings or he will secretly pine and pounce when an opportunity presents. Those who have residual feelings still BUT have the experience will cut contact entirely because they know the subconscious is a powerful thing just talking to someone can bring up emotions.

    Fact is in your case you are being open and honest with yourself about the real reason why you want to be friends, being open and honest with your current partner about your ex and I agree perhaps you should not ignore the ex and just have an honest confronting conversation with him too.

    You do what you feel will give you the most peace.

    I can see you appreciate your current partner a lot. He seems like a very level headed lad who is firm in who he is but also able to have meaningful discussions even if feeling uncomfortable and realises healthy conflict in relationships are important for growth, he’s mature enough to offer conflict resolution which is a key skill and not jealous in asking you to stop contact. Seriously Sammy good on you too for not letting your exes stonewalling tendencies make you bitter or someone you’re not or the other extremity of people pleasing for acceptance. You really have done a lot of work on yourself to heal from the relationship with your ex.

    I urge you to continue in this vain of being the lovely kind person you are, but I agree with @Rhaenys you deserve to focus on your own happiness. I know you are like ‘B’ with a genuine golden heart so you find it hard to think of yourself only, the world needs more of you. But your happiness matters too, putting yourself first may feel weird and you will carry some guilt but there’s no need to.

    By putting yourself first, choosing what you want and is best for you may mean people are unhappy,  but remember they were unhappy before. THAT is a battle they have to overcome on their own.

    I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, but you will end up hurting yourself by catering to the point of your own unhappiness. Let it be, whatever it is, you know you did everything you could and then some.

    Enjoy your life whatever you choose or decide I will support you as you’ve stood by me through my journey.


    @Rhaenys
    thank you very much, married life is challenging because of the responsibility but I have the right person by my side and it’s made me love being married. I feel the stress with work too, we are heading into a busy last quarter and with the house etc I’m feeling the stress. Like ‘B’ reminds me keep calm, go to your happy place and do the best you can.

    I’m stoked to read you have met someone with potential. Take it steady and I hope it works out for you. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t it took meeting a lot of women until I met THE woman for me!


    @Jay2023
    bro hope you are doing well too!

    #384497
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys it’s nice to hear back from you and to learn of your wonderful news, the new man on the scene sounds so mature and thoughtful, which is promising as you don’t want puppy love again!

    You have had a bad deal in relationships but remember it’s given you so much experience, you have learned who you are,  what your wants and needs are.

    You’ll enter a relationship being you and should take things at your own pace. Remain in the moment, don’t let fears rule but take lessons from your past and if you notice any distinct red flags don’t settle out of fear!

    Some well deserved attention can fool us too, if we don’t focus on a person’s actual character and qualities and just get caught up in the idea of being in love or having a relationship with someone.

    Slow and steady wins the race! Do keep us updated and I have my fingers crossed everything works out and progresses. Hope you feel much happier now you’re on vacation and able to be out and about on dates and restrictions in your country are lifting. Just realised I’ve never asked but where are you from?

    Thank you for your sweet words to me too. I didn’t quite understand what you meant by the sentence… “did your boyfriend tell you” but he’s not the type who is jealous or restricts me from seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I wouldn’t put up with insecure or controlling behaviour. Having a secure partner makes the world of difference.

    Sorry @Dannydan and @Rhaenys if I have been late to reply but yesterday evening I met up with my ex (my bf knew) and I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to rehash everything but it’s safe to say @Dannydan and @Jay2023 you were right. We can not possibly be friends right now or ever, he still has feelings which he would act on if the moment presented itself.

    He has matured from before, he is learning to be expressive, he was very vulnerable last night with his emotions, when I told him about my bf, he said he could see my eyes light up and although he is so regretful for throwing it all away, he conceded he’s realised this was not a rebound for me and he’s not the one for me anymore, that we will not be finding our way back to each other.

    For most part I am glad I didn’t just ghost him, that i met him in person and we had a real grown up conversation and my heart feels better for it. It’s also sad, it hurt some because I did love him with all my heart at one point and I saw how much it was hurting him in person which is not a nice feeling when you still care about someone.

    I asked him about us being friends, he went quiet then what @Jay2023 and @Dannydan had been saying about how it’s so difficult to and the pain when feelings are still there came to my head and so I made a decision for him and said i wanted to move on and so should you.

    After seeing him in person and realising his feelings I knew just cutting ties is for the best for him right now and I’ve reached a point in my life I want better for myself and I have it, he may have done the work I always wanted but its all too late being friends right now isn’t my priority. We hugged. I could see he wanted to hold on in a lingering embrace but I pulled away out of respect to my boyfriend.

    I’m definitely not going to throw away a relationship with my bf who is everything I needed and want in a partner; he is academically and emotionally intelligent. He spoils me, is a giver in everyway, patient and not afraid to be expressive like so many men,  he is mature and very secure person who doesn’t do anything by force but is able to empathise which I find hot and attractive. I love we can still talk about anything just cuddled up and he takes his time to understand my emotions and he values my expressiveness too. I love him.

    Meeting or talking to an ex often makes most people who still harbour feelings even if subconsciously, those feelings rise to the surface and become stirred but I didn’t feel any regret, any what ifs, or desire.

    I felt it solidified my current relationship further my mind didn’t once wander. So I know I’m with the right person and I think I needed this meeting just to ensure my reasons for being friends were what I had told you guys and they were. I just care about him still and always will. That’s okay. Like you said Danny I deserve to be happy and it’s time to just focus on me.

    He knows I’m serious about my bf and from some of the conversation after that point sunk in for him I have a feeling instead of turning this rejection into growth and looking inwardly. The ex will now just throw himself into a relationship with someone he can settle on and rush it, just to not feel these feelings and to not feel lonely. He said he was tired. When people are tired they go for the easy option and settle for what they can get out of fear instead of sitting with their feelings and working on themselves which is hard.

    He’s a fake it until you make it type, never really gaining confidence or sourcing his own happiness from himself but using other people or things to fill the gaps. With the hard work I’ve done i can see this will eventually cause resentment and fractions in his relationships because he’s going into them for the wrong reason but it’s his lessons to learn. It is sad because I want him to be happy.

    In conclusion if I can give any words of wisdom is discussion is always better in person and better than ignoring. Don’t follow the relationship gurus but follow your heart and listen to what your mind, body and soul need. I feel much lighter and ready for what adventure awaits. I have no guilt I never tried to salvage a friendship. I have no regrets from the way I treated him and the love I have to that relationship. I did all I could for him and I’m happy with the human I am.

    #384569
    Danny
    Participant

    Wow @Sammy1 you really decided to tackle that head on and all the power to you!

    Can I say @Jay2023 and I told you so 😏 I’m only teasing.

    Don’t feel guilt for him, Lord knows he made this mess for himself. The choices we make decide our fate. Let him fake it, let him fall sometimes that’s how we learn our biggest lessons and come out stronger. Don’t be disheartened you couldn’t remain friends, this is for now only. If he does do the introspection instead of rushing into a relationship to not be alone then time will allow him to heal and reach out.

    You carry on with your life, focus on your own happiness because you really do deserve it! For you I’m happy you healed and there are no residual romantic feelings left with your ex. You can progress in your new relationship with full confidence and no regrets.

    I’m excited for you! If you have any updates or change your mind about taking this offline let me know.

    Take care Sammy, I agree you should be very proud of your traits and the human being you are. The world is lucky to have you, never let someone who doesn’t understand your value ever take you to the dark place you once went. It is most definitely a flaw within them to not recognise your value, I can honestly say I’m so humbled and grateful to have had your input which shaped my journey and you really changed my life for the better by guiding me. I’ll always be forever grateful, if you need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

    #384571
    Sammy
    Participant

    Awwwwww @Dannydan, you always say the things I need to hear. Yes, you and @Jay2023 get to say ‘ I told you so ‘ 🤦🏼‍♀️! You keep soaring high too, you have a beautiful thing going so don’t mess it up or you’ll have two women to smack ya! Lol


    @Rhaenys
    if you do reply just tag me so I see it. I will not be posting any further updates on myself like Danny reached a point I can fully enjoy my relationship.

    . Look after yourself all!

     

     

    #384572
    Danny
    Participant

    Ahaha @Sammy1 message received and understood! I would be the biggest fool to lose my ‘B’ and she would be lost without me and my shenanigans too. Look at us now Sammy, we both have the real thing. Onwards and upwards. Until next time mate 👍

    #384679
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you @Sammy and @Dannydan, I must say I appreciate a lot you are so glad and happy for me.


    @Sammy
    , I’m from Croatia, I live on the coast. I know Danny mentioned London, where are you from, USA or UK? Here it’s summer, we have a lot of tourists, there are some measures in place still, but compared to winter it’s much more relaxed. It’s been great week and I was also spending time with new guy, biking, swimming and we were on his boat too. And it’s kind of different this time, in a more relaxed way, I would say. Yes, he did interest me, but when he showed interest it also scared me but I managed to relax a bit. We’re getting to know each other better slowly. I actually already met his dad when we went on a boat. I think he is more mature than my last boyfriends, and I’m taking it slowly, trying to enjoy the moments and not think about future.


    @Sammy
    I think, even if @Jay2023 and @Dannydan turned out to be right, it’s good you met with your ex, as now you know you tried and you did everything you could. And now you can concentrate on yourself and your bf. Who knows, maybe the ex sometimes will get to his senses, and maybe not, but you can live your life now, knowing you’ve done everything you could.

    Oh, and the question “Did your boyfriend tell you and news?” – you mentioned in posts before that your bestie acts like your boyfriend will surprise you with something, so I wanted to ask if there is news. This was not related to your ex any way, nor I meant to say he tells you what to do, is jealous, or restricts you. I did not meant that at all, just wanted to ask if there is any other news.


    @Dannydan
    , I’m sorry about the stress from work, but it’s great you and B can be support for each other. I personally think that is really important in relationships, and it’s great you two have that.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #388092
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 @Jay2023  @Tim1 or even @Shelbyville

    You haven’t posted in a while I know, could do with some advice!

    #388131
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    Although I’m not posting, I’m reading tinybuddha blog and this forums, so I just wanted to let you know I haven’t forgot you (any of guys from here, actually), I’ve been thinking about you and  I am thankful for all the support I have received on this topic and in this forums. I was really excited to see a new post here and to hear from any of you.

    I’m now in a relationship, feeling really secure and happy, with the guy I was mentioning in my last posts here.

    I hope everything is okay, and you are free to share what is bothering you.

    #388136
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Rhaenys

    Thanks mate for the reply, very much appreciated. That’s fantastic news to hear you are happy and in a stable relationship. You deserve it! I’m buzzing for you and hope it continues to go well. He sounds like a top lad!

    I too was hoping Sammy and the rest were still reading but hopefully the silence means they are very happy and doing great too.

    I unfortunately don’t have great news, B fell pregnant,  it was very unexpected as we both had wanted to wait for a few years. So initially we were both shocked and unprepared then we started to really get excited and come around to the idea but she miscarried and since then she hasn’t been the same. She is carrying a sense of guilt and no matter how much I tell her it wasn’t our time and show her I love her it’s not working. I’m trying to not be selfish as I know although it’s a loss for me too she was the one carrying the baby. The loss is greater for a woman. I just feel shut out so I thought I’d come on here and vent. The wise words from those with experience always helped.

    #388139
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Dear @Dannydan

    I’m so sorry to hear those news, for both you and B.

    I’ve never had children myself, so admit I can’t even imagine how you or B must feel and I don’t have any experience… But it definitely is one of biggest losses.

    You seem you try to do your best and understand B, help her and show her love, and saying you understand the loss is greater for her… The first thing that came to my mind, was, maybe give her some more time and just he there for her. Maybe she needs more time to process this and grieve. And you can be there for here. We haven’t wrote here about 3 months, and I don’t think that is too much time to grieve this kind of loss.

    Also, did you maybe suggest her therapy, individual or both for you as couple, maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea?

     

    #388141
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi guys, very strange because I checked this page for the first time in ages yesterday and your post was the first in a while Danny. I haven’t forgot about you guys and knew at some point we would re connect.

    First of all of im really sorry to hear that Danny, it’s a roller coaster of emotions when it wasn’t planned and you’ve got your heads around it and get excited about the idea then the worst happens, I think it’s just a case of patience to recover like anything, everyone’s heals from that in different time frames, my first thought would be when your both at a point of being able to enjoy things again book a holiday in a really exotic place where you would make life lasting memories, that being something you wouldn’t have been able to do for a while at least if the unfortunate hadn’t occurred.

    Rhaenys I’m so happy to hear you’ve found what you was looking for and are content and happy, I always felt for you a little in the situation you was in and felt we was both in the same boat so I’m glad you’ve dispelled those anxieties and can now look to the future building with someone and hopefully build towards what you always wanted.

    Great to hear from you guys although not under the best circumstances from what’s happened with Danny 😥

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