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Danny

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  • #369855
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim , respect bro ๐Ÿ‘Š,ย  thank you for showing so much faith and confidence in me. I regard your advice highly so I’ll be sure to follow it to also succeed and hopefully I can report back with good news like yourself in the near future! Thanks so much mate.

    @Kkasxo I don’t know the full details of your story and was unaware of the trauma. So I will leave it to @Shelbyville to address it.

    However I clicked instantly with you and I have to say you are more than your trauma! I came on here and unbeknownst to me a woman who obviously has some big demons she’s fighting, reached out and offered me a safe place to express my feelings without making me feel like a dick even though I definitely was one. You are an incredible person, compassionate, wise and with so much more to offer than you think, I felt the vibes early on homie!!

    You know I think we often hold on to things even if they are negative for us, like a kid holds onto his favourite toy or blanket because we are scared without the familiarity that we will be not know who we are. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self and that self is not defined by your past. Its your future. So you have the power to make it whatever you want.

    I’ve realised how facing our fears is what makes us really grow. Set him free yourself. Give yourself the power. It will be so scary at first but you’ll surprise yourself on how amazing you are. That need or hole he is filling,ย  you’ll learn to accept within you and do more to love yourself. Eventually you’ll be ready to go out there without the fear someone new needs to come in and fill whatever that need for you is, you will do it for yourself because you’ll know who you are and what you want. You are far far from a disappointment… so quit being hard on yourself ๐Ÿ™ƒ!

     

    #369835
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks mate, she’s just as awesome, emotionally understanding and I feel like because my attention is fully on her and not the baggage associated with ‘A’ she is even more beautiful, her qualities are just shining! We were together for just under 6 months before and oh it was unreal in terms of chemistry too all the way, I just get the feeling that fluttery phase will be even more special this time because in my heart I am working towards long term with her. She was always so fun, I felt the exact same, if not more yesterday as this time I’m not putting up any resistance to her, not letting my fear or insecurities ruin it. I find I’m enjoying the build up and I want to control my urges for her. So I’m definitely maturing but at the same time she make me feel like a schoolboy again, crushing hard!! As you can tell I’m just beyond elated.

    Emotions are better expressed in my view. I avoided and tried to bury so much of it as I didn’t know how to cope once I confronted them and said them out aloud but once they are out it gives you a place to begin. To work through and put changes in place to become better.

    Ahh I got the gist now, I wasn’t aware of your backstory. Just going off the posts you made since I got welcomed to the fold. Hence I thought why would she find it hard to say boyfriend. Lol.

    You said you’d never have a boyfriend again! I get that feeling, after ‘A’ crushed me I really thought I was unlovable, it brought back feeling like the odd one out during my awkward teens, my self worth was shattered and I was very angry with every woman but her. It contributed to me acting the way I did and the hurt I caused ‘B’. But I hope you don’t have low self worth it’s a terrible place to be really impacts your relationship decisions.

    I see what you mean by boundaries, it can be hard to loosen the shackles that come with having your family rely on you. ‘B’ is mixed race hence her old fashioned views and alongside that comes a type of caretaking role for her family as she is the eldest. However, I love the family dynamic she has, it seems so full of people to lean on and lots of fun because my families small, just my bro and parents. We both had to fend for ourselves at 16. Whereas she has had a completely different upbringing, she has so much sense of responsibility to her family as a result and I see where her selfless nature comes from. Her family don’t hold her back in anyway but she feels this strong sense of returning the sacrifice they’ve made.

    I can imagine it must feel like being between a rock and a hard place when you have to choose. In our deep conversations last year she always said her family responsibilities would always be there and it would be something for me to reflect on. At the time I obviously didn’t pay too much thought, however now that I want to be with her longterm, it’s something I accept, I wouldn’t make it difficult on my end. I would respect her obligations to her family and work with her to compromise so she didn’t ever feel she has to choose, it’s part of who she is. Trying to remove that element would not work.

    I know she will try to strike a balance and in some areas her family will take precedence and vice versa.

    So I think try and talk it through with your family as well as your boyfriend. He needs to be on board and supportive. You don’t want to create friction in your family for a person who may not even be there for you if the shit hits the fan. So discuss it. Family will always have your back, and even though mine and B’s upbringing is poles apart, we agree on that fundamental.

    Don’t take being called selfish to heart, don’t be at odds. Have a calm conversation and say I need to do this but I love you all very much. They will come around like you said it’s adjustment, no point getting wrapped up in the negative emotion it will not change it. If you need to lighten the load to make yourself stable and happy, they’ll see that change in you and want it for you too.

    I’m really riding positive vibes and YOLO so be the best you can be!

    • This reply was modified 18 hours, 4 minutes ago by Danny.
    #369753
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks mate, I’m proud of myself too. This journey is making me a better man. I just know it! B is a special woman so it’s not so much I want to prove myself to her because when I was the crappy version of me she still believed in me. I just want to really appreciate her and never take her for granted again. It’s true you only realise what you had, when you lose it. I know there will be no further chances with her. She is beautiful but most of all has a gigantic heart,ย  I’d be a fool to sabotage it again. The first thing she did when I rang her yesterday was tell me to come around tonight to pick up a care package she made for my bro. When we met a St Pancras she showed so much concern for my family when she hasn’t even met them yet! She’s just so wholesome, ahh I think I’m going to fall first but I’m excited. I’m happy, I feel ease I haven’t felt in time. Look at me blabbering on lol

    Change is difficult but it’s usually needed to grow otherwise we would become stuck in a rut. You sound like you have a lot of drama happening. Anything I can help you with?

    Tim is right about the job market but looking at it with logic, you wouldn’t get the job if you were crap! Also you’d have performance reviews if if you were slacking, so don’t add pressure to yourself.

    bloody shambles this Covid malarkey though! Cancelling others festivals like Diwali and Eid, the night before and then approving a week of congregating for Xmas for the rest of us. Granting freedom? Wth! I’ll save my rant on exactly what I think about Covid!

    Thanks for saying I gave some useful input to Kkasxo she sounds like a great partner, weirdly easy to be objective with everyone except yourself! I noticed you don’t sound too enthused about your relationship mate? Like not how I’m in awe of my girl.ย  Are your family not approving? How old are you?

    You gotta do what’s right for you. But I would add though family usually know you the best so know if something is not good for you..my bro when I finally told him, knew exactly that and where I’d done wrong.

    I’ll definitely keep you all updated on progress,ย  I’m excited to see her today even briefly and tell her what surprise I’ve planned for our first date!!!

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 23 hours ago by Danny.
    #369726
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @everyone!! She replied and it went like this…

    I’ve just copied and pasted the texts :

    B: Yes

    Me: Yes?

    B: Yes!

    Me: *sent a risquรฉ meme

    B: ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Danny!

    Me: I’m just messin’ but I’m ready when u r ๐Ÿ˜‰ but are u saying this smile I have on my face rn is because ur willing to give us a chance?

    B: I’m sure that’s not the only reason for you smiling ๐Ÿ˜ but YES!

    Me: Let’s do this!

    B: Again ๐Ÿคฃ

    Me: ๐Ÿ”ซs fired!

    B: ๐Ÿ˜…Call me in 5

    I rang her and we both just started laughing. She said she needed to make a few things clear, she didn’t want to rush anything, would have to be at her pace. That for it to work we would both need to draw a line under what’s happened, let go of insecurities and if there’s concerns or worries going forward, we communicate.

    She said she did worry about what would happen if I felt insecure again, she found it exhausting by the end trying to convince me she genuinely wanted me. The thing swaying her the most was that she always felt something special in the way that we connected and I had clearly realised that too by my own reflection.

    She said I didn’t wait for her to contact me and by me taking action, getting in touch with her..she knew growth had happened. She knew for me that must have been scary but I faced up to the mistakes in person and really did the mature thing in giving her the explanation and respect she always deserved. She said we all make mistakes and deserve a chance. And this was the one and only chance so it was up to me to prove and show her I had really grown up.

    She said it will take time to build the trust and she wouldn’t tolerate me expressing contempt in anyway. So if I’m ready for the long haul it would mean both of us working together, equally and communicating.

    I suggested if she would like to attend like a couple therapy session paid for by me. She was surprised but said if it’s something I needed she’d consider it. I just want to start afresh no baggage.

    She basically told me what I already knew I need to do and I’m committed to doing.

    We then spoke about 2 hours more on random things. I still feel naturally at ease with her over text, on the phone and in person. I just don’t know how to describe it. I asked her when I could take her out for our first date and she said surprise me!

    I feel beyond elated. I rang my bro right away and he typically shouted Get in and I’m going to be your best man!! I’m really ready to change my life for the better. I’m ready to be the appreciative and giving partner I’m capable of without looking back.

    I really couldn’t have done it without you guys guiding me too and asking me to ask myself the hard questions. Thank you so much guys.

    I will keep you updated on progress and fingers crossed they are all positive.

    @Sammy I hope the situation between your ex and you gets resolved. You sound like a very giving person so its only right you receive the same in return. Not too sure of the exact circumstances but I hope he does the right thing by you. I’m sorry if any of my posts were a reminder or refreshed any pain. I hope it gives you some hope that people can grow and there are men out there who value the qualities you possess, sometimes we are a little immature/insecure too. You haven’t responded lately, you said you would keep an eye out so I do hope you are coping well and didn’t misuse alcohol and your absence is you feeling stronger sitting with yourself. I appreciate your honest, fair and real responses especially when you were pained by what I wrote in my initial post. If you ever need an ear to listen, tag me! I wish you positive vibes too mate! I hope your journey becomes less bumpy!

    @Tim we spoke briefly but your prior posts were incredibly useful to read. I learned so much. You gave me hope of redemption and I really gained more sage insight in the short time I’ve been on here then listening to the lads over many years. The recent advice has been on the money, I’m going to exert and practice self control (that’s what the sock and gym are for ๐Ÿคฃ)ย  I don’t want to mess this up, I will restart it as I mean to go on and that’s to embark on a meaningful companionship to last right through until were old and bitter lol. I’m really glad amongst the great ladies there was a man on this thread. Someone who understands the manly urges and has the experience to navigate around them and offered me the pointers to make it work. I really believe you have a happy future ahead with your partner and I wish you and your lady a healthy pregnancy. Your mini me will be blessed man, congrats! Thanks so much bro!๐Ÿ‘Š

    @Shelbyville you have this kindness and non judgement in you which is rare. You were clearly so overwhelmed in your own troubles but you still reached out to help me, thank you, especially for your support when I was particulatly feeling so heavy hearted and disgusted with myself. You helped me to re focus and achieve self forgiveness. You helped me to learn we all make mistakes but how we handle them is the proof in who we really are. I stopped thinking about myself and focused on how she must have felt, it urged me even more to apologise in person. That showed her I really cared about the impact those stupid actions had. I got to give her the respect she deserved.

    I got the sense you have been in a similar set of circumstances, possibly pushed away someone good for you by what you wrote? I also felt a sense of someone trying to protect me especially as I was so down on myself already. Maybe lower my expectations by stating ‘B’ was perhaps just a journeymate. I really respect that and could feel you were trying to save me from potentially more pain if the reconciliation efforts didn’t work.

    I have to say though the concept of journeymate actually challenged me. I couldn’t accept someone like ‘B’ to cross my path and not stay. It felt unfinished when I confronted my real emotions.

    It pushed me to make contact with her instead of taking the easy route of moving on. I knew for me to win her back I had to do it and she made it clear she was not going to contact me again because she was respectful and she obviously knew it meant I hadn’t grown if she did it.

    If we don’t try can we really say we’ve lived a full life? I know whatever happens i will not wonder what if. I’ll know I gave it a real chance this time,ย  so it took bravery and I did it. That alone gave me self confidence, if the outcome had been unfavourable at the very least I knew I had morally done right by her. F those fears!

    I know Kkasxo mentioned you and her have been on this thread for 2 years so I don’t know the exact story but whoever yourย  ‘journeymate’ is, maybe reassess? Hard to find a gem again mate!

    I hope you find stability in what appears a very stressful career. Sometimes you just gotta say NO to the politics!

    @Kkasxo fellow Londoner, you had this aura and positive vibe about you from the very first response to me. I must have felt it in my bones you’re a homie!๐Ÿ˜Ž lol.

    I greatly appreciate you not labelling me a fuckboy. I can’t express how much the compassion and you embracing me on this thread has changed me. I feel if you had been unsympathetic I may have taken the wrong turn. Thank you for pushing myself to ask hard questions and reinforcing my desire to fix up and settle down. All I know is the reflection over the past 10 months especially the last 4 where I’ve been single has been worth it. With further encouragement from you, I’ve steered my life in the healthy direction.

    Someone who has good vibe and comes off as so amazing deserves whatever she wants. Don’t be afraid of letting go of Mr. A. Holding on if you know deep down he hasn’t taken the actions to change and fulfil what you need will cause more resentments and you’ll come to regret the wasted time. There is still love there so set each other free, be brave and go find someone who will give you what you want. You tried once, you gave it a shot. It didn’t work out but by no means should you resign yourself to end up a crazy cat lady!!

    Time to ask yourself that hard question which sounds so easy. What do you want?

    Sending you positive vibes mate and thanks a bunch! ๐Ÿ™ƒ

    #369718
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Kkasxo

    You’re not far from St Pancras! The view from Alexandra Palace at night over London ๐Ÿ‘Œ you have given me a date night idea! Let’s hope I’m not getting ahead of myself.

    We are both living in London for work near Chelsea. So I’m a Southerner but can’t claim to be a born and bred Londoner!!

    Thanks mate for your viewpoint. It really helped me re ask if I’m doing the right thing by her. I do care about her even though my past actions don’t reflect that. I really admire and respect this woman. I promise you the very last thing I want to do is hurt her further.

    I’m sorry you feel that about your Mr A. It seems you’re stuck in a rut or reached an impasse, so resentments kicked in? Maybe it’s time to assess if he can really give you what you want. What is it you want? I.e. if you want marriage and mini mes and he can’t then maybe it’s time to take the brave decision and separate. If you love each other I’m sure you also don’t want to hold each other back from finding someone who can give you exactly what you want.

    Just from a male pov it seems he has shown loyalty at least to stick by your side, you said you are best friends. I think that’s the basis for any long term relationship. Over time that initial magic or honeymoon phase always wears off for everybody. You have someone who you can be authentic with, the value placed on authenticity in the young gen has seems to be lost. Is it possible to reignite passion and create new memories. Maybe a move to a new city?

    Then again if he is not actually trying to tie the knot by now and that’s something you want, you’re wasting your time. You’ll regret it no matter how much you love him because fundamentally you don’t belong together so go find someone who will, you deserve that.

    I’m all too aware that loving someone is never on it’s own enough. I loved ‘A’ with all my heart but you need more than that for a successful relationship.That was pure first love but it’s not the love I want anymore. The love where two people keep pushing one another to grow, step up for one another and actively keeping the passion alive is what I want. Keeping it ๐Ÿ’ฏ!

    With ‘B’ we never got physical to that point like you and Mr A. Funnily enough that’s an advantage, I think. With us the first time around I don’t think is the same as your situation where you were committed, exchanged I love you’s and loving memories were created over a span and then a reconciliation tarnished them.

    ‘B’ย  and I had a deep soul connection. We clearly cared about each other a lot, the chemistry was there but before it could really get off the ground or we could develop the deeper romantic attraction, I did the perfect job of sabatoging it.

    We would if she allows be creating a relationship from scratch, with individual growth not holding us back and experiencing a lot of new things. The ‘I love you’ will be the first and forever I hope.

    I spent 4 months really on my own searching for what I wanted. I was so exhausted. I had become weary with the chase and dating.

    I asked myself what do you want Danny?? What makes you feel and be better..I started confronting the hurt ‘A’ left which made me feel it would never be enough. I started confronting my behaviour with ‘B’, I started to confront my real feelings for her. I had convinced myself she wasn’t for me for so long but when I sat alone and faced it, the more I did, the more it brought to surface I had everything I actually wanted and needed in a long term partner. Then that pain you get, the sinking feeling just overcame me. I couldn’t believe how much I had hurt such a wonderful person.

    For the brief period she was in my life, although I was a dick to her. She saved me from drowning, she made me want to be better. I treated ‘C’ better because of her. With ‘C’ it just felt stale, I didn’t have a woman who really got me and wanted to really grow and push each other. I had the physical side of the relationship but it still wasn’t enough.

    I began to realise my battered soul needed more, I had been wrong. Like Tim and my bro said it’s very rare you meet a woman with emotional understanding, generosity and class like ‘B’

    I realised for the first time I wanted a real adult relationship with a woman who cares, gets who I am and emotionally understands me more than I wanted the physical side. That was a breakthrough for me a man who is so red blooded. ‘B’ is the only one who showed me that.

    I’m not just caught up on the idea of it all. I’m tired of the drama in my life. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I think it takes men time to reach this crossroad. I really believe if she gives me the chance I’ll be walking down the aisle with this lady. I’m not scared anymore to commit to that. I’m proud to say if we got together and she didn’t find it working for herself in any way, as much as it would hurt, I’d be happy I was courageous enough to make amends. Courageous enough to try and give it the chance it deserved. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if.

    I strongly believe we have all the ingredients to not even hurt each other and actually create lasting love.

    I just don’t know how much longer I should sit on it? I know I’m not the finished product there will be more growth but I believe it’s something we can do together. She really keeps me in good form.

    Is there anything else I need to ask myself? Anything else I need to do. I don’t want her to ever feel what you feel about Mr A. Reconciliation efforts.

    #369703
    Danny
    Participant

    Hello @KKasxo

    Are you a fellow Londoner? ๐Ÿ™ƒ Thanks mate, appreciate it..look forward to a womans view too!

    #369675
    Danny
    Participant

    Respect ๐Ÿ‘Š thanks so much mate. My bros been trying to drill the same in me. I try not to bother him with my woes as he has been through so much. So I really appreciate the help I’ve received.

    You are both in happy long term relationships so must be doing something right. His partner was his strength during a really tough time of illness. He suffered depression after as a result and she still stood by him. So I get what you mean.

    I’m willing to be celibate if it means! I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I’ve been thinking positive vibes so they manifest. It has been working,ย  I’m excited if she gives me a chance, that initial courting phase is meant to be light and fun, she was so compassionate and selfless during our first time because truth be told, I was sinking mostly.ย  So I think about how I would spoil her and take her on memorable fun dates! Build our relationship. I really hope she gives it a chance.

    Tim thanks for being my virtual bro. Your lady is lucky to have such a wise loving man!

    @Shelbyville @kkasxo @Sammy are any of you active to give your insight…

     

     

     

     

    #369649
    Danny
    Participant

    Thanks Tim for showing some faith in me and understanding my perspective.

    I called her last night,ย  I just didn’t want to long it out.ย  I said please give me a few minutes to get this off my chest, then you can respond however you like and I’ll respect your choice.

    I told her I had been thinking, wanted to be direct and honest. That I regret what happened and taking accountabilty and apologising was not to win her back it was to give her the peace, full closure and respect she deserved back then and amend for the pain I caused.

    I said I’d really been reflecting on my future and what I wanted from an adult relationship. It was someone who believed in me, cared, supported me emotionally and encouraged me to be better, someone who will be the warmth for the old achy bones when I’m old.

    It made me realise I had everything I had ever needed and I let it go. I told her I would love the opportunity for us to reconcile so I can show her the man she saw in me. I told her I see her as someone I want to be with long term and wifey, I was willing to take it at her pace because the connection we shared was special, she was the only person I’ve been my raw self with. I told her to not ask for a chance would forever play on my mind because we have the potential to foster a healthy, happy life together.

    I told her she has changed my life already in so many ways and it was her who had helped save me from drowning in my pain and past. I said I wanted to be that person for her too not just the one who sucked her into his darkness. One who could shine bright with her and help her too when she was having a bad day. Most of all I wanted to do right by her and will respect any outcome.

    She was silent for a bit after, felt like an eternity. She said she wasn’t expecting that at all. She had genuinely been touched by the apology and accountability in person but had closed that chapter many months ago by herself but was so happy to see I had matured and growth was happening. It made all the pain worthwhile for her.

    She said she would be lying if she said she hadn’t wished we would reconcile at one point. There had been times she had wanted to contact me because she never stopped caring, but she was respectful. Also she knew in her heart for reconcilliation, I would have to make it happen because she wasn’t the one who was unsteady in her feelings. She said I wanted you but you didn’t want me and that feeling is not easy to overcome. So it had made her moving on easier, she knew she deserved better. Now she said she has reservations. She also said she is happy with where her life is at she is doing well and is always growing.

    She said we had an instant soul connection, however the comparisons to the ex, the lack of value to who she was as an individual and being objectified made her believe that I may do that all again especially if she didn’t escalate the physical side because she had made a conscious choice. She mentioned if my self esteem was still healing then the what ifs from insecurities could hold us back again. She said wiping the slate clean and starting afresh sounds easy but would only work if both people have grown and wanted the same things.

    I told her I could say many words to convince her but the proof would always be in the pudding.

    If she was willing to rediscover each other and the new version of us from growth and start a fresh relationship like we had never met before, it was something I would work hard at and show her through my actions how much I admire and actually respect her. I said I wasn’t looking to be a yes man like I was with ‘A’ but I was looking to be 100% authentic and vulnerable with her, express my feelings and wanted to show her that softer side, the romantic side that I had trouble accepting after my past and was scared to invest out of fears.

    I said I had arrived at the same point as her wanting a serious relationship that nurtures value, respect and love for one another. That communication between us had been good and it would go strength to strength that now i wasn’t afraid, i had healed and let go of my past.

    I told her that the time I spent with her was the time I felt my best, grew in confidence and felt challenged to be and do better.

    I wanted to invest for a long term relationship, a future with her and respect her values, to communicate if we hit a bump and show her I was driven to foster a healthy relationship with her.

    I said I didnt want her to feel pressured to make a choice, I wanted what would make her happy because she spent all that effort and energy the first time making me happy and I know I was too immature back then to acknowledge what an awesome, intelligent, generous and caring woman I had.

    If she wants me to not be a part of her life, I’ll accept it and hope my apology and remorse helped her even a little. I would wish her happiness and know damn well whichever man ends up with her will be one lucky son of a gun!! I told her, I understood if, she would rather invest emotional energy into someone new who was capable of valuing her right away.

    She said it was a lot to digest, said we had never been toxic or abusive, she had felt the potential for a long lasting relationship was there but it could have been an illusion. She doesn’t know the implications it could have on me if we reconciled then she felt it wasn’t right for her because she had grown too.

    I felt her confusion and told her I’m sorry. I told her to think about it. I told her to think what’s best for her, not the implications on me if it didn’t work out because I know now I wanted to take the risk, I had grown to be brave enough to face my issues and felt sure within myself the growth i had been doing would set us up for a beautiful future together. I said I know I took granted and disrespected her but I will show her I will not repeat those grave mistakes.

    She said she didn’t want to be cruel and take too long but she would need the weekend to just think. I said take your time. I look forward to taking you out on our first date. (I wanted to show her confidence in my choice)

    I just have to sit tight and wait. Which is the hardest part. What do you think based on above is is 50/50? @Tim @Shelbyville @Sammy @Kkasxo ?

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 22 hours ago by Danny.
    #369573
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim

    Thanks dude, that post on my forum just really upset me. I just meant I didn’t want to make a desperate grand gesture and plaster over everything that happened. I wanted to be with her and commit to it, show her through my actions I’ve changed and grown up. I just feel like if strangers think so little of me, what hope have I got with someone I hurt.

    #369569
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I really don’t appreciate your fickle assumptions about me. I know I have been a dick but there’s no need to keep putting me down for it. I feel disgusted with how I treated her and have no intention of hurting her in that manner again. I’m a man so naturally we are physical beings so I may make the odd remark like she looked hot or I had the feels, but getting back with her will mean I have no intention of having sex with her until she is ready and I’m happy to wait and follow any conditions she stipulates even if that’s marriage. Every woman deserves to be swept off her feet so I was stating I’d be romantic, take her on dates, get to know each other properly and build up to a surprise proposal instead of saying to her off the bat I want to marry you. It’s what she deserves. I’m not going to further explain myself to you. I know I did wrong but I’ve grown. I don’t need you to judge me and further make me feel like shit.

    Thank you for your time and responses in the past.

    #369559
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    Thanks man for the guidance and encouragement, it’s really helped. This whole forum has been a god send, wish I had come on it sooner instead of listening to the lads!

    Speaking of the lads one thing she mentioned and was very vocal about was she didn’t appreciate the way I had made out she was ‘weak’ for caring even after I treated her bad (the lads really did give shit poor advice and partly was me projecting my own insecurities/feelings of inadequacies onto her.) She said her good qualities such as loyalty, kindness etc had been distorted to make it appear she had low self esteem but that irritated her as she knew who she was, how to assert her feelings and it was kind of pathetic how this generation is normalising this as simping and unhealthy. When she had no intention to give to get.

    She said this is when she really realised I didn’t value her at all as a person for who she was. I was really saddened because tbh at first I did assume she was one of those who wanted to exchange, then I pushed her away for being kind because I couldn’t get over the fear and my own insecurities.

    Any tips on how to fix this, do I just show more appreciation? @Shelbyville is this what you meant by journey mate some teach you to value real qualities not superficial ones fed to us by social media?

    I wasn’t aware of @Shelbyville’s exact situation with her ex but the way you’ve explained it now makes sense. @Shelbyville is on the money about needing to communicate otherwise I will only cook up more hope in my head with nothing solid.

    She did text and I text her back saying thank you for teaching me to be better and accepting my apology. I joked I’m glad you don’t hate me and she replied I could never :)…I haven’t mentioned anything to do with reconciling but I know this week she is mega busy with work. However this open communication I’m going to take as a green light and give her a call on Friday night and just tell her directly how I feel.

    Anita and yourself are right, how often will I come across a woman who has a heart like hers, intelligent, caring, generous and beautiful too. Why couldn’t I see it before? I wish I’d come on here sooner to gain from your experiences. I mean she was a keeper just for accepting me for who I am and being loyal when we were unofficial imagine her as a wifey..I was such a dick!!

    However I don’t want to just say hey let’s get married. I definitely see clearly now and know she is someone I want to wifey but I think she deserves a special proposal so I will tell her I’m am wanting to commit to a relationship and take it at her pace with no pressure and will respect her and not be a dick about the home run, wait until she is ready…if she will give me a chance. I also want her to experience my romantic side, build that romantic attraction by spending more time with her, giving her that purity I gave to ‘A’ because I had no baggage. ‘B’ deserves that more, she was often the one putting all the effort in, making cool date plans but I want to wine and dine her, spoil her build those butterflies in her.ย  Re discover her properly and show her i value all the things I took for granted and scorned before. I hope I’m not getting ahead of myself..please keep everything crossed for me. @Sammy if you’re reading say a little prayer!!

    #369558
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for your optimism. The positive vibes helped! You are 100% correct I don’t think I will ever come across someone with her kind of soul or character. So it would be foolish to let her slip through my fingers without trying. I don’t want to propose for two reasons it may look desperate and if I did propose which if she gave me a chance I’m highly likely to do sooner rather than later, I feel given the classy lady she is, she deserves a special proposal. I’m going to call her Friday. Will keep you updated.

     

    Thanks for your sterling advice!

    Danny

    #369376
    Danny
    Participant

    ANYBODY ON HERE?

    @Kkasxo

    @Sammy

    @Shelbyville

    @Tim

    #369382
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks so much mate for your reply. I did wonder if i was romantasizing it..but I don’t know she was always vocal about what she wanted. So she could have ruled it out. It all happened yesterday. An hour ago she said a simple thank you for yesterday.

     

    Should i give her space to digest? I have decided I’m not going to test the waters it’s what’s got me caught up in fear. I’m going to just ask her directly if getting to know one another for long term relationship is something she would consider. I have to be willing to risk it, I’ll not get another chance.

    Is there anything I can help or advise you on? You sound mega stressed. I would like to help in any way possible.

    #369378
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your insight. She is everything you described and more. I agree she could have made it difficult, she had every right to!

    Last year we went to Winter Wonderland which is a Christmas time fairground. It was nice to hear she still has some fond memories amongst the turmoil I caused.

    Tbh I do want to be with her longterm but right now want the chance to rediscover her. I think proposing marriage off the bat wouldn’t work, would it?

     

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