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Danny

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  • #383506
    Danny
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.


    The EYE – Old Friend</p>
     

    know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383507
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.

    youtu.be/RZFH03DGv2s
    The EYE – Old Friend ( type that link in the other post went into moderation)

    I know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383502
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 mate I’m not going anywhere without knowing you are fully at ease. If I can help then please let me and don’t be shy to ask. You were there for me at a critical point in my life and I want to return your generosity.

    It isn’t because I feel compelled to, it’s the personal work I’ve done on myself that means I appreciate and value you, your time, kindness and guidance to make my journey a success.

    I’m not going to ignore your predicament just because I’m married or busy. I would be disappointed in myself if I did, ‘B’ would also admonish me if she came to know.

    So first things first, I’m so glad that as a giver you are experiencing the return you deserve. I read this fascinating article when I was trying to understand how to be better for ‘B’ who is a giver through and through.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201311/the-best-kept-secret-highly-successful-relationship

    Have a read and you’ll learn never to stop being a giver! Intrinsic givers are very rare to come across these days, but also the best humans in the world. I was never a natural but learned to become a giver because of ‘B’ and feel much more content and fulfilled in life overall.  I concur two givers equates to fireworks in bed! 🤪

    I think you’re headed in the right direction with your partner so don’t let him not wanting to rush it cause you to doubt yourself. Your ultimate dream is going to come true you and your bestie are going to become sisters. Ahaha! Therapist always says we have to manifest what we want through positive thoughts.

    Your partner sounds like top lad, intelligent, romantic,very supportive and secure. What you feel is what I felt with  ‘B’ why didn’t I see you sooner?

    Sometimes it takes time for the heart and mind to become aligned. The heart usually already feels it but the brain throws up defenses, making you sabotage or nitpick at times which can stop things from developing.

    When you ignore the brain you can end up missing red flags but when you ignore the heart that’s when you usually end up with painful regrets like I did with ‘B’. So my advise is try to strike a balance but follow your heart and that warm feeling you get around a special person.

    I agree with @Rhaenys your ex is no where near ready to be friends. You can be the bestest of friends and show the love or care you still have for your ex by allowing him the space to focus on his current relationship. Don’t engage unless absolutely necessary.

    Your ex is in a very difficult situation, I’ve been in his shoes which is why I have sympathy for him.

    If he’s in a new relationship and feeling conflicted that’s not a good feeling at all. I spent a lot of time behind closed doors with tears in my eyes and stressed because I didn’t understand what I felt for ‘B’, it was isolating and scary. You know what I had to do, your ex needs to soul search too.

    It’s not your fault. It’s his responsibility and ideally he shouldn’t be in a new relationship if he has regrets and is thinking of you. That’s how other people can get hurt by our actions.

    But withdrawing yourself from the equation might allow his current relationship to work. It will be down to him to figure out his own feelings, it’s up to him to decide to live an honest life for himself and be true to his feelings. Let him come to you with friendship if he ever resolves that yearning for you. It might not go away for him and that’s okay too because he loved you but he has to find a way to move forward with that love.

    Don’t blame yourself, I know all you want is for him to be in the same position as you and accept the best for each other but when a guy still wants you, any form of contact will feed into his desire and hope of rekindling what you shared and if you know you will never give it another chance then even with the best of intentions friendship may never be possible.


    @Rhaenys
    Sammy and I wrote a lot about fear in our previous posts, re read them for guidance. Fear is what held me back with ‘B’ and I would have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me if I didn’t overdone it. So make it your mission to shrink it if you want a relationship. I will try to post updates when I can. Good luck and thank you for your wishes.


    @Jay2023
    Have you been recovering well from Covid? Post an update when you are able. Get well soon bro.

    #383421
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1, your ex sounds very conflicted, a man full of regret.

    If he is not an entirely selfish man then I can say having been in his shoes not too long ago, it is a torturous place to be, knowing deep down your choices led you to taking the wrong turns.

    The key difference between your situation and mine was timing.

    ‘B’ was single at the time I reapproached her.  I had a woman with a strong sense of self who happened to walk away at the right time.

    I mistreated her for sure but there was space left for me to start afresh. Thank God I did and was wise enough to see sense to recognise the value in the woman who stood by me at my lowest point.

    It’s up to him now to choose to learn the lessons and accept that in your case it is far too late for you two because of how toxic it became, he had years to step up but he didn’t. To wipe 1 years history together clean is difficult let alone 4 or 5!

    The very least he can do is let you flourish and he become a better man for his next relationship.

    You’ve done the right thing getting off that merry-go-round, don’t ever doubt that.

    Grief is gritty and gnarly as fuck. The fact you wish your ex the very best shows your humility, that you loved him unconditionally and you’ve evolved something fierce within you to let go of someone you never intended to but had to in order to honour what’s best for you.

    You mastered SELF LOVE. Be very proud of what a strong and caring woman you are!

    Your ex has a lot of inner work to do, and will fall into same patterns because honestly it’s very hard to fully change. He needs to confront and work through his feelings. I had to do that for myself otherwise change never comes.

    It is his loss for sure! You may well be the one good woman that got away. The ‘what ifs’ in life are something he will have to learn to cope with, this is his responsibility not yours.

    Want real talk, keep your contact limited for now if you want to stay drama free.

    If you two had a really strong connection the chemistry doesn’t always change even with distance or if you are in new relationships.

    Him being a man if he has any unresolved feelings will use any type of interaction as hope, draw you in again and just like that you can end up having sex if the opportune moment arises.

    This is not an excuse but most men don’t have self control like women do.

    He was obviously a significant part of your life so much of your pinnacle moments are kind of co owned by this person, so I get it you do not want to discard him,  that takes great maturity. However you need your new partner on board, someone who is not jealous and understands. In order to make a friendship work eventually.

    Right now I can tell even if you were not dating you have moved on from this phase but he hasn’t so it’s crucial to only pursue friendships when you voth want the best for each other, admit you can never reunite and the romantic spark has completely faded for both parties. I think that’s the case for ‘B’ and her ex hence they are the exception to the rule.

    Remember to continue to love unconditionally, a love that doesn’t make your partner indebted to you. But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you’ve loved very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.

    Unconditional love also has boundaries. ‘B’ taught me that, she loved me for who I was but still chose to walk away when I didn’t give her what she deserved too.

    Codependent love is when you love and don’t take care of your own needs and leave when it’s necessary to.

    Don’t become overly protective of your heart,  the new man in your life sounds great from what you told us. Are you being fully vulnerable though? If not, what’s holding you back?

    Is he understanding of your emotional and physical needs? I ask you this because you sound hesitant, are you feeling fulfilled? How do you really feel?


    @Jay2023
    bro what a double whammy losing the finals and then catching the corona! How are you feeling now mate? Thanks for the congrats, it sure is bliss, definitely worth the wait! Ahaha. You know what I find incredible with her she’s so open and understanding. Given our cultural differences and she made me wait. She’s adopted a healthy, sex-positive attitude for ourselves which is making things beyond what I imagined. I love this woman! I keep having to pinch myself.

    Having a lot of time is not great if you are prone to dwelling but the past only creeps up because it’s not been dealt with properly. Sammy is right maybe work through your feelings rather than bury them again only to resurface further down the line ?

    #383289
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 thanks for your very kind words. It means a lot to me to know I’ve done good from you, you were here since my first post.

    Ahaha, hands up beneath the bravado, I am a cheesefest and hopeless romantic,  I’ve never had anyone appreciate that sensitive side. Most women want treat them mean, keep them keen but with ‘B’ she appreciates every aspect of the real me and doesn’t make me feel inferior or less macho. I love spoiling her. She spoils me more probably, it’s an incredible feeling. I will take heed of your advice by being consistent, I don’t want this feeling to ever fade for us.

    How are things with your new partner? Why are you thinking about your ex? It’s pretty straightforward…

    An honest man would admit that if you shared real feelings with a woman, it’s impossible to stay actual friends!

    It’s too damn hard for us men. It’s not just the sexual desire, sometimes talking to an ex can stir feelings in us especially if there’s unresolved feelings there. It becomes painful beyond belief to watch from the sidelines when those feelings can’t be acted on. Most of us give up hope here and know any friendship will be fake.

    But there are some men, like your ex who may cling to hope that you’ll date again. I’d say your ex might just be biding his time thinking you are rebounding and would at least bang if the opportunity presents itself. Tread carefully. You know his character better than anyone.

    I think you women are emotionally stronger, that’s why you’re better at being friends afterwards.

    Rarely do you get a situation like ‘B’s’ ex it’s an exception to the rule. I trust ‘B’ because she’s so mature, I know her character and how principled she is. Although I’m dubious about him as I don’t know him well yet, one boundary ‘B’ and I agreed on is never to discuss any potential issues be it marriage or personal with any exes. So their relationship is very neutral. I’m not going to stop it as that’s controlling and would be projecting my own insecurities.

    Personally I’ve chosen to have nothing to do with my ex. If I’m honest, I do hold a small place for her in my heart, she was my first “love” but I don’t trust her character after the betrayal so although I’ve matured greatly, I don’t want her in my circle because she could potentially cause issues.

    I invited her as an extension of my best mate. He’s been pushing hard to repair our relationship and I do miss him, he was a great friend since childhood until that happened. I have forgiven him now after therapy and bit by bit looking to repair our relationship.

    Thanks Sammy for highlighting that, if I’m ever having an internal meltdown, I’m going to re read that point and reframe any insecurities. ‘B’ chose me, being so beautiful inside and out she dated many better options but I captured her heart. The other men should be jealous!

    Ahaha horny rabbits…. you’re hilarious Sammy. I am extremely grateful the physical side lived up to my expectations, sex is very important but honestly the best thing I ever did was listen to @Tim1,my brother and Anita on my original thread.

    With their wisdom they advised me to marry her. It was difficult because from the very moment I met ‘B’ it was sexual attraction, I couldn’t keep my hands off her.
    Everytime I was around her, I was in a state of non stop arousal and didn’t understand what she saw in me. Waiting and learning to control the carnal desire in a way I had never before actually opened my eyes to all the qualities I was ignoring, in the end when I allowed myself to fall that golden heart is what I fell in love with.

    I knew she was a minx but combined with that golden heart is was connect us deeper during intimacy, it makes it so special and there are no inhibitions. I’m on cloud nine.

    I am no longer avoiding confrontation, I don’t mind annoying her after what it’s led to ahaha!


    @Rhaenys
    thanks for the lovely suggestion. Look how many bad days I had, but I’m riding a wave of elation and I’m sure there will be more bad days coming my way too but keep working on yourself and don’t settle because you’re tired or just want a partner. Find someone who meets all your physical and emotional needs. You can only find that if you know who you are and start to love yourself accordingly.  It will all make sense one day.

    I wish I could stick around longer to help you further but after my quarantine ends I will not get the time as much so I would hate to leave you hanging.
    I sincerely apologise.

    I hope @Sammy1 or @Jay2023 can keep this thread going to help you.  Best of luck and if you want to ask me anything for next few days you can. I’ll respond.

    #383167
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim1 Thanks bro, I really am very touched and appreciate you coming online to congratulate me and send warm wishes. You played a significant part in my journey here. You and your little family stay well, I have every faith you’re acing fatherhood!


    @Sammy1
    It didn’t come home! Shame, but we had a good run, bring on WC 2022!

    No need to deep it, I wanted to offer you that because you have been there from the very beginning for me, being fair and firm through a very difficult period of my journey.  I value that quality in a person and wish to repay it. I didn’t stop to think that it might come across creepy though ahaha! I am extremely grateful and would repay your efforts anytime.

    ‘B’ is aware that I’m part of an online community that’s helped me, I am fortunate I can share anything with her but I love that she doesn’t feel the need to coax for the finer details about it and understands this has been my private venting place, so I get where you’re coming from. It is equally important to have your own personal space and be able to share certain things in your own time with your partner. It comes down to trust.

    I’m in a very good place in my life so naturally will not be online. I have loved being able to help others too but realistically I have such a busy schedule ahead. However Sammy for you the offer is always on the table and I am happy with whatever you decide. You can @ me whenever you need, I’ll always respond.

    Ahaha to answer your question truthfully, it was awkward at first when ‘B’ asked to invite her ex, I knew from early on before proposing they were still friends. That didn’t surprise me, everyone she blesses her presence with is left better, that’s the quality I love about ‘B’ the most. Her good nature and ability to keep good ties with everyone she meets. It’s so rare in our generation. Even when she walked away from me the first time, she was so calm and kind after how I treated her.

    As a man I admit I was dubious at first as to why her ex was still on the scene. Women and men are fundamentally different, women can easily be friends but facts are we men are takers, when we have shared real feelings for a woman and still care we either remain “friends” with hope to swoop in given an opportune moment OR we admit defeat, realising we can’t handle being friends because it is too late, it hurts too much to be around the person. It stirs feelings of what could’ve been so we protect ourselves over a friendship.

    There really is no in between for majority of us but exceptions to the rule always exist. In this case I think it’s an exception, time will tell but I trust ‘B.’

    She told me her ex had always treated her well, it was a mutual split because they wanted different things in life. They played a significant role in each others life and managed to stay friends, they had always wanted the best for each other. They stopped dating after university and ‘B’ has dated since and been single so it’s been years and nothings happened.

    Although I may have appeased a little I’m glad I did, I realised her emotional intelligence and maturity is on a different level to mine, I accepted she wanted him there for one of the most important moments of her life. That important moment was with me. I wanted to be mature too so I ended up inviting my ex and ex best mate. Let bygones be bygones. With my ex, I have no desire to be friends because I realised I don’t care for someone who betrayed me. That’s not love.

    Before the wedding day I had to shut down the little whispers from my inner critic and remind myself I trust her so his intentions don’t matter, when the wedding day came, honestly although I could see he was a very attractive lad and Asian which didn’t help as I was subjected to some snide remarks, I was completely enchanted by ‘B’ and he nor my own ex crossed my mind , in the end we had chosen each other and I felt 1 million percent certain in my choice. It was an incredible feeling to have no lingering regrets, I felt it was just her and I in the room during all the events. It was a risky move appeasing but paid off.

    Talking of the snide remarks. ‘B’ read the letter once we returned and was completely devastated. I thank my lucky stars she didn’t before the wedding it would have completely ruined it for her.

    She was livid initially, a scary side I’ve not seen and she gets this vessel bulging on her forehead I’ve never noticed because I’ve never seen her so angry. Which is kinda cute ahaha. She rang her father straight away and majority of the conversation was in her mother tongue I didn’t understand but knew it was serious.

    Her father came around shortly after and it really made me nervous, given the bumpy start we had when i was introduced to him but I was touched by his actions. It was a nice gesture by him and it’s actually made us closer, he thanked me for not causing a ruckus beforehand, family respect is big thing for them and said he would see to it that the family members apologise and it wouldn’t happen again on his watch.

    When he left I reassured ‘B’ it didn’t matter anymore and we had navigated ourselves through it, but she commented that “we” hadn’t and now she understood why I had not been as enthused in the lead up and had to deal with it alone, she just burst into tears. I told her I didn’t want her to feel guilty, I loved and trusted her but chose not to tell her as I was worried about her health at the time and didn’t want to ruin the magic for her. I hate seeing her upset, she was deeply sorry, she wished she had known and profusely apologised for the pressure, her family members and also said she was sorry for inviting her ex. If she had known sooner what was happening she wouldn’t have allowed it to be fuel for her guests to score points against me. The whole thing has brought us closer, I know she’s got my back. I feel deeply loved by her, I feel I’m her priority even though she has that family responsibility. Even with the inevitable issues everything ricochets because we are a team. I’m finally with someone who I really see and she sees me and we love each other for it.

    The honeymoon was sublime, 3 S’s galore and I’m pleasantly surprised I knew she was a minx but we do come from different cultures, I’m a red blooded male and very accepting of a woman expressing her sexuality in a relationship. She’s brought up a bit more conservatively, but boy is she fun and can keep up. Ahaha. If she read this she would kill me!

    There was a tiny bit of a  moment though. ‘B’ has a killer lithe figure, she always garners attention because of it and couple that with her being naturally warm and welcoming, men are drawn to her which does irritate me at times. Insecurities I guess. Being on a beach it was the first time she wore a bikini around me, and the long lingering looks from other men made me feel very uncomfortable!

    I managed to stop it in its track , I realised because I love her so much , I don’t want my view of wifey to be “shared” but we share this level of trust and respect for each others choices. So I settled on other men can just look and be jealous as I am the lucky man who gets all of her. So I didn’t let it spiral into something bigger. Which is major progress for me!

    ‘B’ being her perceptive self must have detected the squirming because the next few occasions on the beaches wore kimonos or dresses on top. Not going to pretend I didn’t prefer it but I wanted to ensure she was happy, I love our communication it’s so easy! Other than that the honeymoon was light and pure bliss!

    We unfortunately got pinged yesterday, someone on the return flight must have tested positive on day 2, so now we are having to quarantine despite going to a green list country.

    In one way it’s fantastic to be able to squeeze in some more quality time just the two of us
    because we both have busy schedule ahead with work commitments, on the other hand the weather in UK is scorching so it’s frustrating we can’t utilise it to mingle together with our family and friends. So much for “freedom day”!


    @Rhaenys
    you asked me what the early days are like. We will officially be married for a month this week ! Time flies! Planning on doing something cute for our 1 month anniversary, any idea ladies? It has to be at home because of quarantine.

    But to sum up newlywed life, I love it. Life really is down to making the right choices, with ‘B’ I really did. I focused on who met my actual needs and wants and who I really was. When you do that you can’t really go wrong. I have an invigorating partner by my side who I can completely be myself with, she makes me feel young, she makes me feel wild desire, and I really value her emotional depth and understanding, the way she makes me feel loved.

    My lease to my place in London is coming to an end, after quarantine I’ll be permanently moving into ‘B’s’ place she has time left on hers. We are hoping to get our new house ready in that time frame. It’s the most amazing feeling going to bed with her with no restraints and waking up next to her. I really enjoy calling her my wifey, I feel proud that she’s mine. I feel she’s proud of me too.

    It isn’t all plain sailing, the annoying habits we are discovering about each other leads to minor squabbles but it is actually proving fun, teasing is such a big part of our chemistry.

    Also on one occasion we locked horns over something, it fed into our sexual desire for one another. So our friends were right, we have natural sexual chemistry and I love we still can create sexual tension between us after the catching up we did over the honeymoon. It is fun, exciting and I will openly admit sex is very important need for me.

    Very excited to create our new home and space together with no lingering history and a fresh clean slate too. I feel proud that I chose something she loves and I’m able to provide for her. I’m very traditional in some ways. This was very important to me.

    I’m happy. I’m happy I went through all the betrayal, I’m happy I reached out for help and my vulnerability led me to the right person. I’m happy on the work I continue to do on myself and I’m certain if ‘B’ and I continue in the same vain we have the best years ahead of us.

    I can only say @Rhaenys sometimes things don’t make sense until you find your actual soulmate. You have relationships in between where you think you’ve found love, you convince yourself because you’ve settled out of fears and insecurities. Just be you, and when you meet the person that makes you feel like a moth drawn to the flame. Jump in with your whole heart, risk it. It is only the most beautiful exciting things that have the potential to ignite a real raging fire. It will transform us.

    Never let go of a person who does that for you. Dont settle in love. You’ll soon get bored if it isn’t the right person, your needs and desires seep out. I was always drawn to ‘B’s light because she is the most beautiful light. I could have lost the best thing that ever happened to me if I didn’t go back towards that flame. I let go and allowed myself to love her how I wanted and yes I may get burned one day you just never know it’s always a risk but for the first time in life I am experiencing as well as giving unconditional love, insatiable desire for the same person and if I burst into flames I can really say it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

    I hope I have been of some use to you, I hope reading my journey helps in some way and you reach your home too whether that’s a relationship or being happy with you.


    @Jay2023
    not heard from you bro, everything okay mate?

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 23 hours ago by Danny.
    #382270
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys quickly logged in to say thank you. I know sometimes you’ve felt ignored and I wanted to make time to reply to your kind words. I’m so stoked to be where I am!

    Her extended family have been a bee in my bonnet, but coming on here venting and Sammy’s guidance reminded me to stay focused. What I have with ‘B’ is actually incredible and took a lot of graft so the leadup to the wedding as stressful as it’s been, I wasn’t going to let them get inside my head any further. It is a bridge I have to cross because Sammy’s right you can’t suppress how you really feel about anything. It all seeps out in the end.

    Right now I’m going to soak in this blissful time, I didn’t think it was possible but I love her even more. The first night together was beyond what I imagined.


    @Rhaenys
    @Jay2023 my advice is definitely don’t settle. No matter how lonely it gets, even if your clock for babies is ticking, hold out for someone who accepts all of you and you really desire and meets your needs,only then can you create something meaningful. I’ll write more on my journey because I think I need to be truthful about my main need for anyone else reading and if it had not been met maybe a part of me would have felt slightly disheartened.

    When I’m back from our honeymoon (we are off to the Caribbean this weekend) I can give a better picture of what it is like but I think the fact I have no regrets, no doubts, our exes didn’t even stir anything in us and now that our union is officially cemented and I feel like this means B’s definitely “the one” !

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

    #382220
    Danny
    Participant

    Ahaha mate I definitely will! She’s unleashed the 😈 thank you for taking time out to congratulate me you enjoy your staycay but I’m off on a real vacay 😉 this weekend! I’ll catch you soon! Hope you have a great time with your boyfriend. Cheers mate!


    @Jay2023
    and @Rhaenys don’t worry about holding the fort, I hope you are both doing good.

    #382178
    Danny
    Participant

    I have officially made an honest woman of ‘B’. I can’t believe it @Sammy1 @Jay2023 @Rhaenys I did it!

    Wow! I promised a full update before the honeymoon, here it is, this is one of my longer posts with details especially for you @Sammy1!

    Who knew a little bit of paper held so much significance, when done with the right person.

    I can really say I’m lucky AF to have won back ‘B’; to find my best friend and wifey in one is incredible.

    My brother who was always going to be my best man gave a hilarious speech at my expense, but the pinnacle point was he said I don’t have to ask Danny did you make the right decision, he became a better man because of ‘B’ and he’s not looked back once since and I’m proud of you. This meant the world to me hearing that from someone I respect and admire so much after his own battle.

    He’s right no other woman will ever or has ever understood me like B, her spirit and soul encompasses everything I have ever wanted and need. The best thing I ever did was drop my ego and have courage.

    Feeling of being fully accepted by a woman who is a smart cookie and could have any man she wants is next to none, all my fantasies and dreams of what I wanted out of a relationship and thought was not possible have actually come to fruition with her by my side. I have really found my soulmate!

    When I last posted, I was having the letter fiasco, to my relief ‘B’ chose not to read it. She still hasn’t but will cross that bridge when it comes! She said if I had wanted her to read it after, then she would respect that. I definitely do panic for no reason sometimes!

    Don’t worry Sammy, I haven’t dismissed what you wrote. Now more than ever I realise if you’re not happy deep down it definitely will seep out. Our own happiness is the only way to achieve overall success. I don’t need the approval, I have B. That’s all I need. No more placating to be accepted.

    The wedding day finally arrived and I expected to be nervous but it was more of a rush,  for the first time in my life I fully felt I was doing something right, the moment finally arrived, my wifey walked down the aisle and looked breathtakingly beautiful. She’s always has had a stunning figure but the way she looked in that dress, I’ll never forget! I felt this lump in my throat and I cried! She looked ethereal, I felt a mixture of intense desire to incredible pride. Our vows I will keep private but there were full of all the feels. We had in the end chosen to make this an intimate affair with very close family and few friends only and I’m so glad we had this day low-key as to me this was transformative and I actually was fully engaged and I’ll cherish it forever.

    We had the weekend to ourselves before she returned back to her parents for the beginning of the cultural events and at this point I felt like a different man. The stand out point for the events was there was colour, lots of vibrancy and music. Painting faces with turmeric, funny traditions like milk and having your shoe stolen and paying for it to be returned, to a departing event with lots of tears this was overwhelming because I hate seeing ‘B’ upset. The events were jam packed and for the most part fun. Completely different to a traditional white wedding.

    Seeing B happy and smiling made my heart feel fuzzy. Even though we had a lot of challenges with Covid. The events all went ahead and came together for her.

    Oh and we both invited our exes to the cultural events in the end and it just reaffirmed I was with the right person. ‘B’s’ ex is bloody good looking and nice enough lad but I didn’t feel any jealousy as we have so much trust and communication. My ex best friend and ex both came too and because I was so full of pride nothing really mattered anymore. I didn’t feel at any moment it could have been her or any regrets. It was a complete new slate and I’m glad bygones are bygones. Her extended family on the other hand made a few jibes and couldn’t help but comment how ‘B’s’ ex being same race was a better choice for her. I didn’t let it affect me too much.

    The evening we officially got married and had our civil was our wedding night, I told her I was taking her to somewhere special that only her and I will share. In more ways than one 😉

    The last few weeks, ‘B’ had asked to spend with her family and no visiting until the big day, naturally this built the sexual tension even more, although I was not keen on this initially it worked out perfectly because it also gave me time to create my surprise wedding night at our new home .

    First thing I did was install a doorbell camera to record her reaction when the time came. The old owners took all their furniture thankfully, so its a period property and stripped back it looks amazing with the high ceilings and chandeliers.

    I decided to create a romantic trail based on what would be our new tradition, an ode to that date which stirred all the feelings of love for her, our engagement. I stole your idea @Sammy1 and made it very dreamy!

    When we left the wedding venue, I blindfolded her and told her she must not peak and wait. She’s always great at gestures so I was stoked with what I had created for her. When we arrived I told her to wait and not remove the blindfold until I called her, she stood there in her wedding dress and I placed the first envelope which had a key and note inside ” This is the key to your happiness, use to unlock our new beginning..”

    It was cute watching her reaction, she looked so confused at first! I prompted her and said I’m waiting for you inside our new home, and it finally clicked it was ours, she was astounded and stood there hand over mouth saying a few cursives and OMGs ahaha, best feeling ever.

    When she opened the door I had lined the hallway with her favourite flowers in vases and a trail of clues. Each envelope gave a mini tour and clue on where to go next with a surprise present in each room. The kitchen I had left something naughty which told her to make her way upstairs.

    When she arrived upstairs, I stood still and soaked her in, I didn’t want to forget how she looked at this moment. I had a record player playing “At Last”, and we slow danced to this, the rest of night was bloody magical. All I can say is B measured up in every single way and was worth all the struggle and wait. Sammy, Tim you were 100% right when there’s natural chemistry and a deep emotional connect,  the physical intimacy is bloody sublime with no inhibitions! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. Bring on the honeymoon baby ahaha! Yes loves the house. Your boy did good! We christened it well too ahaha!

    This thread steered me to taking the biggest risk of my life that led me to the most amazing reward. I am grateful beyond words can express.

    I came on here looking for sympathy, I had been reduced to a fuckboy until I stumbled across this thread.


    @Kkasxo
    homie your kindness and acceptance as a newbie allowed me to open up and spill my feelings which lead to me receiving so much insight and growth.


    @Shelbyville
    your thread is the reason why I found such good advice, your protective nature, telling me to be kind to myself too touched me in a way I didn’t expect. You didn’t want me to get hurt chasing the impossible, but your concept of journeymate actually spurred me on and helped me overcome my biggest fears. It challenged me to not settle for less and take the easy route, so I fought for ‘B’.


    @Tim1
    your sage advice making me hold my physical urges and see if the emotional connect was strong allowed me to demonstrate loyalty, maturity and be better. I found my best friend and wifey all in ‘B’ and it made the the physical side more than I could have ever anticipated and this is one of the most important elements for me in a relationship, so I’m so glad you taught me that patience can be a virtue.


    @Sammy1
    what can I say you’ve been there since day 1 and you are a real one! You are a big part of my journey,  remaining fair but firm, which made me grow so much, the time ,insight you’ve given is the most amazing gift and I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you but I send you positive vibes and know when I look back I will appreciate and always value you for the incredible support and guidance you gave.

    I’m here for you and see you like the cool sister I never had. I will always reply to you, whatever you need I will. I know you’re going to do well in life, you have a fighting spirit and whole heap of love. You go get them! If you want, B and I would love to extend our friendship to you beyond the virtual realm. That way I can repay you too.


    @Jay2023
    thanks for the heart to heart bro, it made me get therapy for the niggling issues and improve myself further. It has been a pleasure having another man on here since Tim and I really appreciated you as a sounding board and the support in the lead up to my wedding.


    @Rhaenys
    thank you too for always offering encouragement!

    I don’t want to disappear but I have a funny feeling my wifey will be occupying my time more than I originally anticipated. I’m going to take it all in whilst it’s on offer ahaha!

    I will try to post but if it does become difficult. I wish you all the best in your journeys.

    I think taking time to discover who I am, and finding someone who didn’t want to change me to ideal was key to this. Look for someone who you admire, respect so want to do better yourself but also makes you feel passion and wild desire. Don’t settle out of fear of being alone, don’t rush it or you’ll end up with a lacklustrous partnership and doing yourself injustice. Trust your timing and don’t fear love. Real love is wholesome AF!

    I’m still learning, I still have some bad patterns but I know I’m winning. I found love in myself first. Thank you for everyone who contributed to getting me this far!

    #381531
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 mate I’m in awe at your insight and I think once again you’ve hit the nail on its head.

    I definitely want to make it clear I do not doubt for one second my choice to commit the very reason for this was because I didn’t rush in, as I told @Rhaenys once it helps to weigh things up objectively and work on yourself first, I can say since I’ve been with B after we started on a clean slate, another woman or my ex hasn’t even come into my thoughts or onto my radar. Considering how red blooded I am that’s credit to B. She has me mesmerised!

    I have had doubts about fitting into her life, I thought it would be easier. I didn’t anticipate i would be so affected by the jibes because I’ve never experienced it from someone who is an extension of the person I love. As a child I never was in with the “cool” gang was bit of a misfit but it didn’t hurt like this does because I wasn’t invested in those people. You’re right I’m scared to be rejected by her family and its easy to say only her and I matter but they will always be there and I’m being stupid, I’m scared of rocking the boat because of how much I love her, I know it is going to hurt her no matter what. It’s seeping out though, it needs to be addressed. I can’t keep pushing those feelings down because look what’s is causing.

    I also wanted to avoid it because she has had a really rough ride recently, so didn’t need this, when she’s hurt , I weirdly feel more upset and hurt then when experiencing my own pain. I’ve never felt that way before for anyone, it makes me just want to wrap my arms around her and protect her and keep her smiling. However you’re right she’s a very strong person and keeping my real feelings suppressed is just going to boil over. Thank you Sammy you seriously should consider being a therapist. You really can see between the lines and get to the bottom of things. You’ve helped me so much. I’ll give her the letter. I still hope she waits until after as I can survive a few weeks but I don’t want to just survive anymore!

    Oh and B is gutted we can’t dance with the guests and have to ask guests to wear facemasks and now carry out a risk assessment for some of the events. This Covid nightmare is never ending. Its dampened the whole magical experience for her. I’m going to pull out the stops for the wedding night. I have the keys and already creating something dreamy. I’ll keep you updated.  I also want to say sorry if you feel I come and vent then disappear. After the wedding I’ll be happy to chat to you about anything.  Thanks Sammy so much!

    #381484
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 or @Jay2023 do you still check your notifications?

    Few weeks to go 🤞 Boris has given the go ahead. But I wouldn’t be me without drama! Remember that letter I wrote and put away well I regret writing it now. B found it and although she never opened it, she asked what it was. I could have lied but what basis would that be to start a new chapter? So I told her it was something I would prefer she didn’t read until after the wedding. After a bit of cajoling she realised it was making me feel uncomfortable and in turn this made her feel bad, I tried to reassure her but she was subdued for the rest of the day. There was only 2 weeks left to survive the events and the jibes have still been relentless especially when I had to do a recent fitting and made a joke, some of her extended family really can’t accept me for who I am and are very sneaky in the way they make the remarks without B realising,  I don’t want to upset her because the contents will upset her. I do intend on giving it to her but not now. My therapist said that I’m lucky i have a partner who i can be so self revelatory with and really express myself, it’s a sign of a deep emotional connect that very few share, she said the trepidation was most likely surfacing from that damn FEAR based on past experiences. She is right, I can tell B anything, I mostly just naturally pour my thoughts out to her it’s weird and comforting, I feel a connection not experienced before. Family has always been a top priority for her and although I’m sensitive and it hurts. In my mind i don’t want anything to taint the magical experience for her it’s not even about me being afraid of expressing my concerns. What do I do? Tell her the truth, cause a divide which will hurt her or not say anything and still hurt her because I’m sure she now feels bad and is having thoughts?

     

    #380859
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 bro I’m so stoked you posted this week, I was going to log out for a while at the end of the week. Good to hear from you and great it is all so positive!

    I knew it was another woman! Should have put a wager on it ahaha you sound confident, and self assured. Yes, that often happens when the feelings wear off, I look at my ex now and think was i really that attracted to you? It’s like their behaviour and actions make them ugly. She’s not to be fair but I don’t see that beauty in her anymore.

    New lady sounds like a top lass. Kind nature FTW! You can’t go wrong with a golden heart. Mate this is just brotherly advice, tread carefully. From my own journey I can tell you ‘B’ and I had the same vibe, chemistry but the timing was wrong so she got hurt. The best thing she ever did was step back when she did it allowed space for us to come back to each other. I came back to her when I knew I was fully available and ready to commit to this incredible woman. She was gracious enough to give it a chance and we couldn’t be happier. So timing is just as important!

    I was emotionally unavailable still due to my past, if this woman has recently split with her ex, let me tell you right now you’ll only be a rebound, crutch or a void filler until she’s dealt with the baggage and healed. If there’s potential for more then create some distance and remain detached otherwise it will get messy and you’ll both end up hurt.

    I’d advise you to go to therapy, your feelings do change so get to the bottom of it so you can have the tools to cope and be the best version of yourself inside and outside of a relationship.  I’ve found it amazingly useful.

    Thanks for the wishes,  keep everything crossed for me. Keep us on the loop bro, I will come back. Bask in the sunshine whilst we got it. Speak soon mate!

    #380856
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 didn’t @ you properly above. Good luck bro. Speak soon. Really hope things are calm for you.

    #380854
    Danny
    Participant

    Ahahaha @Sammy1 you are hilarious! I will be back with an update. I promise. A lot to juggle, haven’t even got my suit yet eek that’s why I can’t post regularly even though you’re a good laugh and always keep me grounded! You look after yourself and don’t be getting too drunk and randy!


    @Tim1
    you’re a legend. Thanks bro for the honesty. I will invest in self care as I don’t want to over burden ‘B’ but like your missus she’s golden and has that natural ability to make me feel understood with her experience and emotional intelligence.

    She isn’t looking to change who I am. She makes me grow through inspiration and no judgment,  I don’t feel the desperation to appease to keep, like I did in my previous relationships. So I’m not going to worry too much about a possible episode, she’s got me. Good luck for the future,  you’ll make a smashing dad!

    .@Jay2023 leave an update bro even if you don’t want to talk just so Sammy and I know you’re okay at least

     


    @Rhaenys
    hope you’re doing okay and focusing on you and not worried by the recent guy. Don’t go looking for something to fill the void, let it find you. You have done a lot of inner work too so it will pay off. I’m sure of it. Good luck!

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Danny.
    #380790
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim1, I’m stoked to hear from you too. My own brother recently had a baby and I held the little fella for the first time this weekend. Insane feeling. I know as an uncle I can hand him back when it gets too much but speaking to my brother I completely understand how you feel. The sleepless nights seem to be particularly gruelling. You have a great partner, you’ll be totally fine as you support each other emotionally and physically so well. You’re going to make the best dad! Enjoy it mate they grow rapidly!

    To echo Sammy’s words, thank you for all the input it really helped guide me to the best possible decision of my life. As you may have read, I was courageous enough to fight for ‘B’ and didn’t settle, found growth and nurtured that emotional connection first over the physical. I will no doubt have an amazing physical experience as a result and both very excited. I have had a few hiccups but I’m going to therapy and it’s made me finally deal with all my feelings. I’m working on making amends with the betrayal. I have found courage to admit to myself I suffer from the blues more deeply in form of depression. I would be very grateful to know does it ever completely go away? Sammy has followed in your path and been a tremendous help and guide to me.

    I return the well wishes in tenfold, may parenthood be the making of you!


    @Sammy1
    ahaha thanks I’m working on the idea already!

    Should get the survey results back this week now the bank holiday is done. Keep your fingers crossed all goes smoothly.

    I had a great Bank Holiday weekend too, was introduced to my nephew, he’s so cute! B and I were very broody, seeing her with a baby in her arms made my heart melt. But we both just looked at each other and knew, on our journey back to London we discussed it and agreed to enjoy the freedom of no responsibility once married, rather than rush into baby making. Indulge in the thrills of the missed physical side just the two of us and really enjoy the adventure. Needless to say we just can’t control the itch for much longer ahaha. I hope Boris doesn’t have any other stupid plans up his sleeves. Just weeks away!!!!

    I can just imagine your drunken behaviour. So you’re a sentimental drunk! I always pegged you as the crying type ahaha. I’m sure your bf wouldn’t mind hearing your explicit thoughts though! It’s okay to drink you know, as long as it’s not a crutch. Maybe limit it to social so if you do give in on the odd occasion, you don’t feel guilt ridden after. Although at a certain age the hangover is just not worth it!

    I agree, well done us. We took the long road and really did a lot of inward soul searching before rushing into a relationship and it’s paid off. Who’d have thought we’d be here!

    I’m going to give it a few days to see if @Jay2023 responds with his update, if not my next update will hopefully as a married man. Please keep fingers, toes everything crossed. I have a therapy session this afternoon, didn’t fully adhere to the task set but today I’m hoping to tackle the betrayal and best way to heal that.

    Thanks Sammy you’ve been awesome mate, I’m an @ away if you need me. But I think you’ll be just fine , so enjoy the early butterflies and don’t let this drunken night derail you in anyway.

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