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Danny

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  • #388697
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys things are much better we did a little a letting go ritual. It has really helped and broken down the walls. She still gets emotional but discusses it with me.

    The advice you gave above is spot on, I’m very aware of that and resentment is not something I’ll allow to creep in. We worked to hard to ruin it now. I just love her and in some ways I’m in awe of her everyday. However I also accept there’s parts I don’t like but when you choose to accept a person, the love allows you to overlook those flaws.

     

    Again on the money with that anxiety or insecurities never really vanishes. Working on oneself continuously can keep it under lock. Thanks Rhaenys. Continue to work on you too and enjoy your new relationship, you deserve it! @Jay2023 hope you’re good bro, haven’t heard back.

     


    @Sammy1
    wherever you are mate, I send positive vibes your way.

    #388371
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thanks, thats very kind of you.

    I hope you recover very quickly from the stomach flu, not nice being poorly. It’s very good to hear the new man in your life is caring and present. I’m sure once you’re back on your feet and fully recovered can make up for lost time!

    I feel a lot better after speaking about it on this thread. Thank to you and @Jay2023 for responding. I’m touched. I had stopped therapy for myself. The wedding,  honeymoon and new house, it burned a huge hole in my pocket so had to make savings. I had achieved what I needed to. This thread though has a funny knack of steering me back on track.

    Things are slowly improving, I’m trying not to push it and strike a balance but although B isn’t ready to talk about it, it was a breakthrough returning to our room, she and I both appreciate the physical proximity, so its nice to hold her and cuddle again. Right now just lying in the bed next to her as she’s sleeps gives me enough peace. I know it is going to take patience and love. I have to just nip those bloody self doubts in the bud.

    I have realised for someone who communicates so well, is vulnerable, open etc she sure shuts down in very serious situations. I don’t know if this is fear left over from our first major argument or just two occasions where she has just felt overwhelmed.

    I noticed for me the shut down makes me feel helpless, abandoned and it’s such a departure from our day to day relationship that my old insecurities and anxieties rear their head, but I’m trying really hard.

     

     

    #388186
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Rhaenys

    Happy for you mate, you really deserve a guy to show up for you. Your perseverance has paid off. Just carry on doing what you’re doing it’s working! Stay in the present and choose to take a leap each day into the unknown.

     

    Maybe the writing a letter is me clutching at straws. When B got me to write out my feelings about my ex and the betrayal and then watch the words disappear it felt like closure. I though maybe if she wrote a letter to our baby that wasn’t to be and bury it in the garden with a Teddy bear may help as it gives a form of closure??

    I have spoken to her she was full of guilt, highly emotional understandably so, she blamed me and was angry. I love her and know she’s hurting and doesn’t mean it and I’m not going to make it about me. I’ve done enough work on myself to be selfless. You’re right Rhaenys it’s my turn to fight for her and stand strong until she’s ready. Just with anxiety its that bit harder. It never really leaves you. Last night was a first step, she had to go into work for an important meeting so I have dinner ready for her when she returns. This morning she left before I even woke up.

    #388160
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 thanks bro. Trying to be strong for her. Truth is she’s always been the strong one, pulls me together. Last night after posting on here, I decided the space between us was widening and I didn’t want to let my old anxieties create paranoia. I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom to give her space to heal as she had asked for it, I went back to our bed last night, when I got in I spooned her hesitantly, she took my hand and kissed it. I asked if she wanted to talk, she didn’t reply so I just told her we are going to get through this together. This is the closest I felt to her in weeks after she requested space. I think you’re both right I just need to accept her way of grieving is different to mine and not panic that I’m losing my wife. Old abandonment fears rearing their ugly head, need to get a grip and realise she sees things differently but that doesn’t mean she will not love me anymore. I’m being selfish. I was thinking maybe do something she did with me once where I wrote a letter and set it alight. But maybe write a letter and bury it with a Teddy as a way of letting go? Is that a bad idea?

     

    Jay bro i recall your kind ways, focusing on the person in trouble and not wanting to talk about yourself but I’d be happy to hear how you’re doing, it’s a space to share and even in this state I care. I appreciate the advice you’ve both given more than you will know. None of our family know what’s happened we wanted to keep the baby news for us and reveal after she started showing or we had the 12 week scan. B insisted after the loss to not tell anyone, I thought having family support for her would’ve been helpful but she doesn’t want that. Instead her parents and family, when they’ve seen her think we are having fights as it’s hard to put up a fake front. Me beings sensitive hurts too as it proves to them I’m not good enough when truth is before this happened we were so happy and falling deeper in love each day.

    I wanted to tell my brother but he’s a new dad himself and I don’t want his experience to be changed as when I know he will stop sending me photos and updates.

    #388150
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 it’s good to hear from you bro. Thanks for reaching out, how are you doing? Hearing from you all, always made me disconnect from my worries. I hope life’s been good for you bro.

     


    @Rhaenys
    , Jay is right. Let’s not overlook how much effort and energy it took for you to work on your anxieties. It’s not an easy task at all, so well done for still believing and fighting to give yourself what you deserve. A happy and stable relationship.


    @Rhaenys
    and @Jay2023 it’s very much appreciated that you’ve reached out. It’s been tough, when she did the test and it was positive, I’ll admit both of us were shocked, but it didn’t take long to come around and we got excited then she had started to bleed a little. She was inconsolable when she got confirmation she had miscarried and the hospital aftercare was not great.  She kept saying it was her fault and didn’t deserve a child because of her initial reaction. It happened early October so its been about a month, maybe i do need to be more patient. I’ve tried to talk to her, I’ve suggested therapy, I tried to give her space but she is a shadow of her former self. The exotic holiday idea is great we were still in our honeymoon phase but I don’t want to force her to do something she’s not ready for. At the same time I feel I lost her as well as our baby.

    I know this is going to sound awful but I feel it could have been worse if we had been further down the line , had heard a heartbeat. I’ve accepted it wasn’t our time. But the idea of something like that happening again in the future is worrying because this has been hard watching someone you love shut down . I haven’t told B this. I just feel helpless.

    #388136
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Rhaenys

    Thanks mate for the reply, very much appreciated. That’s fantastic news to hear you are happy and in a stable relationship. You deserve it! I’m buzzing for you and hope it continues to go well. He sounds like a top lad!

    I too was hoping Sammy and the rest were still reading but hopefully the silence means they are very happy and doing great too.

    I unfortunately don’t have great news, B fell pregnant,  it was very unexpected as we both had wanted to wait for a few years. So initially we were both shocked and unprepared then we started to really get excited and come around to the idea but she miscarried and since then she hasn’t been the same. She is carrying a sense of guilt and no matter how much I tell her it wasn’t our time and show her I love her it’s not working. I’m trying to not be selfish as I know although it’s a loss for me too she was the one carrying the baby. The loss is greater for a woman. I just feel shut out so I thought I’d come on here and vent. The wise words from those with experience always helped.

    #388092
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 @Jay2023  @Tim1 or even @Shelbyville

    You haven’t posted in a while I know, could do with some advice!

    #384572
    Danny
    Participant

    Ahaha @Sammy1 message received and understood! I would be the biggest fool to lose my ‘B’ and she would be lost without me and my shenanigans too. Look at us now Sammy, we both have the real thing. Onwards and upwards. Until next time mate 👍

    #384569
    Danny
    Participant

    Wow @Sammy1 you really decided to tackle that head on and all the power to you!

    Can I say @Jay2023 and I told you so 😏 I’m only teasing.

    Don’t feel guilt for him, Lord knows he made this mess for himself. The choices we make decide our fate. Let him fake it, let him fall sometimes that’s how we learn our biggest lessons and come out stronger. Don’t be disheartened you couldn’t remain friends, this is for now only. If he does do the introspection instead of rushing into a relationship to not be alone then time will allow him to heal and reach out.

    You carry on with your life, focus on your own happiness because you really do deserve it! For you I’m happy you healed and there are no residual romantic feelings left with your ex. You can progress in your new relationship with full confidence and no regrets.

    I’m excited for you! If you have any updates or change your mind about taking this offline let me know.

    Take care Sammy, I agree you should be very proud of your traits and the human being you are. The world is lucky to have you, never let someone who doesn’t understand your value ever take you to the dark place you once went. It is most definitely a flaw within them to not recognise your value, I can honestly say I’m so humbled and grateful to have had your input which shaped my journey and you really changed my life for the better by guiding me. I’ll always be forever grateful, if you need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

    #384431
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1

    I still stand by my original point, if you think I’m off the mark ask @Jay2023.

    It’s very difficult for a man to remain platonic friends with an ex he once loved or was serious about. At the very least sex will always find it’s way back on the table if you stay in contact with any residual feelings or he will secretly pine and pounce when an opportunity presents. Those who have residual feelings still BUT have the experience will cut contact entirely because they know the subconscious is a powerful thing just talking to someone can bring up emotions.

    Fact is in your case you are being open and honest with yourself about the real reason why you want to be friends, being open and honest with your current partner about your ex and I agree perhaps you should not ignore the ex and just have an honest confronting conversation with him too.

    You do what you feel will give you the most peace.

    I can see you appreciate your current partner a lot. He seems like a very level headed lad who is firm in who he is but also able to have meaningful discussions even if feeling uncomfortable and realises healthy conflict in relationships are important for growth, he’s mature enough to offer conflict resolution which is a key skill and not jealous in asking you to stop contact. Seriously Sammy good on you too for not letting your exes stonewalling tendencies make you bitter or someone you’re not or the other extremity of people pleasing for acceptance. You really have done a lot of work on yourself to heal from the relationship with your ex.

    I urge you to continue in this vain of being the lovely kind person you are, but I agree with @Rhaenys you deserve to focus on your own happiness. I know you are like ‘B’ with a genuine golden heart so you find it hard to think of yourself only, the world needs more of you. But your happiness matters too, putting yourself first may feel weird and you will carry some guilt but there’s no need to.

    By putting yourself first, choosing what you want and is best for you may mean people are unhappy,  but remember they were unhappy before. THAT is a battle they have to overcome on their own.

    I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, but you will end up hurting yourself by catering to the point of your own unhappiness. Let it be, whatever it is, you know you did everything you could and then some.

    Enjoy your life whatever you choose or decide I will support you as you’ve stood by me through my journey.


    @Rhaenys
    thank you very much, married life is challenging because of the responsibility but I have the right person by my side and it’s made me love being married. I feel the stress with work too, we are heading into a busy last quarter and with the house etc I’m feeling the stress. Like ‘B’ reminds me keep calm, go to your happy place and do the best you can.

    I’m stoked to read you have met someone with potential. Take it steady and I hope it works out for you. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t it took meeting a lot of women until I met THE woman for me!


    @Jay2023
    bro hope you are doing well too!

    #384098
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 married life is in many ways similar to our relationship prior because we have always shared a close emotional connect, the added extras such as the none restricted physical side and waking up every morning beside her continues to gives me a fuzzy feeling. I don’t think I’ve looked back once since marriage and thought of or even looked at another woman than ‘B’ that’s how mesmerised I am with her.

    I have noticed one major difference, I feel a greater sense of responsibility and pride in her than before. I take our vows seriously and know how important this commitment is to me. It’s not something to take lightly and should definitely not be rushed into for the wrong reasons because I can imagine and understand how easy it is for the union to crumble when you live together to realise something is missing, I can see how for some when married those thoughts may occur.  It’s almost like the new annoyances you discover tell you; this is it. Now if you ever felt unsure initially it will just fester insidiously that you are missing something. If you made your choice based on the right reasons your relationship just goes from strength to strength. That’s why I don’t think marriage should be rushed. Very rarely do you get a partner who is honest and authentic as ‘B’ so usually living together is when you realise who your partner actually is. So take your time.

     

    I think @Jay2023 and I are telling you how we would feel and in most cases men are the same. However, how do you feel? I know you don’t want to prevent your ex from moving on but is ignoring him causing you a bigger internal conflict? I know you are very giving so ignoring must be going against your own grain. If it’s disrupting your inner peace then communicate. Tell him you wanted to be friends but feel doing so may be hurting him. I’ve come to learn nothing beats honest conversation even if it means confronting the hard truths. Let me know if you need anything an @ away. Look after yourself Sammy! You are strong, resilient, giving, caring woman and any person not just the men are lucky to have you in their life mate!

    #383932
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 it’s been very hectic, flooding in London and then moving out of my place. Back to work. I’m feeling exhausted!

    if your ex is in a relationship and still yearning for you, I agree with @Jay2023 and say no contact for now even on birthdays is better because everytime you make contact with him it will give him false hope if he hasn’t accepted it’s all done and dusted.

    Love can be messy but it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. He is going through what we all experience at least once as you know it’s very painful. So you are being cruel to be kind by letting him heal without false hope delaying that.

    Yes it does come down to our stubborn egos! and if he’s the type of man to grow from his mistakes and evolve, he will actually value you and want the very best for you too and will reach out to you in a platonic manner accepting friendship one day. If he doesn’t you haven’t lost anything,  you were always very giving to him and you need to like you said thrive too.

    How are you finding dealing with it?

     


    @Jay2023
    mate how are you? Out of the woods? I hope you have recovered from Covid and it’s not left any lasting effects. Seems you are pushing through and I’m very pleased for you bro. You’re picking up new hobbies and hopefully ticking off those personal goals. You’re moving forward keep that up. Onwards and upwards as you stated!

    I agree with Sammy you have nothing at all to be sad about, she may have been a breath of fresh air but also remember you treated your ex very well but she didn’t in return so you should continue to have no regrets. She was a fool and it’s her loss for sure. That should be a fantastic feeling in a way because you already you’ve basically filtered out someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are and recognise your value naturally.

    There’s no point making someone feel obliged to see the best in you just because you have a commitment or relationship. The best feeling is someone who does that automatically and naturally regardless of what you are to them.

     

     

    #383506
    Danny
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.


    The EYE – Old Friend</p>
     

    know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383507
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.

    youtu.be/RZFH03DGv2s
    The EYE – Old Friend ( type that link in the other post went into moderation)

    I know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383502
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 mate I’m not going anywhere without knowing you are fully at ease. If I can help then please let me and don’t be shy to ask. You were there for me at a critical point in my life and I want to return your generosity.

    It isn’t because I feel compelled to, it’s the personal work I’ve done on myself that means I appreciate and value you, your time, kindness and guidance to make my journey a success.

    I’m not going to ignore your predicament just because I’m married or busy. I would be disappointed in myself if I did, ‘B’ would also admonish me if she came to know.

    So first things first, I’m so glad that as a giver you are experiencing the return you deserve. I read this fascinating article when I was trying to understand how to be better for ‘B’ who is a giver through and through.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201311/the-best-kept-secret-highly-successful-relationship

    Have a read and you’ll learn never to stop being a giver! Intrinsic givers are very rare to come across these days, but also the best humans in the world. I was never a natural but learned to become a giver because of ‘B’ and feel much more content and fulfilled in life overall.  I concur two givers equates to fireworks in bed! 🤪

    I think you’re headed in the right direction with your partner so don’t let him not wanting to rush it cause you to doubt yourself. Your ultimate dream is going to come true you and your bestie are going to become sisters. Ahaha! Therapist always says we have to manifest what we want through positive thoughts.

    Your partner sounds like top lad, intelligent, romantic,very supportive and secure. What you feel is what I felt with  ‘B’ why didn’t I see you sooner?

    Sometimes it takes time for the heart and mind to become aligned. The heart usually already feels it but the brain throws up defenses, making you sabotage or nitpick at times which can stop things from developing.

    When you ignore the brain you can end up missing red flags but when you ignore the heart that’s when you usually end up with painful regrets like I did with ‘B’. So my advise is try to strike a balance but follow your heart and that warm feeling you get around a special person.

    I agree with @Rhaenys your ex is no where near ready to be friends. You can be the bestest of friends and show the love or care you still have for your ex by allowing him the space to focus on his current relationship. Don’t engage unless absolutely necessary.

    Your ex is in a very difficult situation, I’ve been in his shoes which is why I have sympathy for him.

    If he’s in a new relationship and feeling conflicted that’s not a good feeling at all. I spent a lot of time behind closed doors with tears in my eyes and stressed because I didn’t understand what I felt for ‘B’, it was isolating and scary. You know what I had to do, your ex needs to soul search too.

    It’s not your fault. It’s his responsibility and ideally he shouldn’t be in a new relationship if he has regrets and is thinking of you. That’s how other people can get hurt by our actions.

    But withdrawing yourself from the equation might allow his current relationship to work. It will be down to him to figure out his own feelings, it’s up to him to decide to live an honest life for himself and be true to his feelings. Let him come to you with friendship if he ever resolves that yearning for you. It might not go away for him and that’s okay too because he loved you but he has to find a way to move forward with that love.

    Don’t blame yourself, I know all you want is for him to be in the same position as you and accept the best for each other but when a guy still wants you, any form of contact will feed into his desire and hope of rekindling what you shared and if you know you will never give it another chance then even with the best of intentions friendship may never be possible.


    @Rhaenys
    Sammy and I wrote a lot about fear in our previous posts, re read them for guidance. Fear is what held me back with ‘B’ and I would have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me if I didn’t overdone it. So make it your mission to shrink it if you want a relationship. I will try to post updates when I can. Good luck and thank you for your wishes.


    @Jay2023
    Have you been recovering well from Covid? Post an update when you are able. Get well soon bro.

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