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Danny

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  • #377359
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    I know it was a picture but often social media is a lie, don’t let your head get wrapped up in the trail of thoughts she’s now x,y,z without you, whilst you’re drowning. You may be drowning right now but at least you’re confronting your issues whilst she’s masking hers with another guy. She’s bound to run into problems sooner or later. Everyone who is emotionally unstable does! She clearly is.

    Instead praise yourself for trying to get to the root of your issues and being a better version for yourself. Us men hardly ever change, the one’s who undertake this task are the ones that always end up successful. So good on you bro!

    Thailand sounds like a shout. You planning a single trip or taking some mates?

    Don’t worry about the whole exchange thing that Sammy is getting at. I don’t think you were looking at the usual scenario men get caught up in – gifts for sex. You’re too kind for your own good. I think you saw a person you genuinely cared about and wanted to treat. No indication you wanted to buy her love or affections, like she was a commodity. There’s very few genuine people who spoil and do that these days, she was lucky. Another reason why it’s her loss.
    (Sammy, I now how the song gold digger running through my head!! Ahaha)

    It appears she had a high flying career herself? So I doubt the gold digger notion too. However if she has a great career and suspected you wouldn’t match it then I can see a reason for why she may have dropped you.

    Bit cruel of her to have a family dinner and then drop the doubts bomb. In hindsight I’m sure you’re aware of how profoundly incompatible and how far removed this was from a healthy loving relationship.

    Try in future not to let physical intimacy blind you. Think objectively. Although you were warming to the idea of a mixed or integrated family unit , I think because you desperately wanted to be with her you’d be able to also uphold that responsibility for the children. But the realities of such a situation are completely different.
    The support front was already lacking for you when you lost your job. This is a red flag.

    Imagine adding responsibility and inevitable friction with kids arising, you would have been left on the sidelines always and felt unsupported and worn yourself out!

    I think you’re doing all the right things. You’re proactive approach will serve you well. I hope CBT is a success for you. I hope you are starting to realise this is no longer about her but you. You have the power within yourself to attain that future happiness you desire. Better choices, better outcomes.


    @Sammy1

    Your new man sounds great, I’m very happy for you. Hopefully you can settle on the Michael Buble front! Slow and steady and I’m sure you will have a good chance of making a great partnership!

    Thank you for the advice on ‘B’ is nice to be reminded about the bigger picture. Me and her starting a new life together. I can’t reveal the date of the civil ceremony, yes I’m slightly superstitious but its looking likely we will get all of the events done this summer as long as Boris doesn’t have other ideas. Wedding planning is a nightmare though. I think I’m looking forward to it all being done so I can enjoy her to myself. Cotswold is where we are hoping to settle!

    #377269
    Danny
    Participant

    Ah @Jay2023 mate you seem to be in the thick of it. Seriously though well done for speaking to your doctor. I hope this step helps take edge off your anxiety, so you can get better clarity.

    Maybe I missed it amongst the posts but what did you see on social media? Was it her new partner? If it was,  whatever you do don’t let your mind drive you into comparison. Dont let yourself be convinced you’re not enough. You are more than enough. Keep repeating that.

     

    One week bro, hold on then with more restrictions lifted you can get a haircut to uplift you, hang out etc start planning your escape. Where do you want to go on holiday mate?

    You hold on to that belief even when it’s slipping that you will be happy. You will when the times right find better and be better. Don’t let go of that! But let go of all the other crap pulling you backwards.

    #377266
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 Hope you had a great Easter! Things with ‘B’ are great, I struggle a little with the whole cultural and large extended family thing, it’s not what I’m used to.

    There’s two sides to it, but in planning our wedding I didn’t realise how many voices there would be to keep happy. When I get flustered I just remind myself who I am going to spend my life waking up next to and when it’s me and her alone I feel incredible.

    We’re still trying to find our forever home. One things for certain it will not be in London!

    I must say Sammy, I think you don’t quite realise how strong and amazing you are. The growth you’ve undertook is far more than most could do in a lifetime also you exude amazing qualities. You’re giving, you’re truthful you are very empathetic and possess an intuitiveness that can help others. You do go the extra mile for people and that shows in your responses to @Jay2023 where you’ve taken time out to make sure he is ok.

     

    I’m really impressed with the way you have dealt with your ex and I do hope that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. I’m glad you worked on achieving happiness in yourself first! Well done mate !! So what’s he like?


    @Jay2023

    Bro! I’m sorry but not surprised to read she’s moved on. Did you manage to salvage any of your Easter?

    Social media can be your best friend or your enemy. Some utilise it to spur them to achieve the happiness they desire. Others can become engrossed in what they don’t gave. So based on how it makes you react, I’d decide if a hiatus will help or hinder.

    How are you feeling? I think like I said in my first post to you, asking for help as a male is a step in the right direction. Especially with toxic masculinity so rife. If that means involving your doctor then do it for yourself, forget the ego, the notion of it makes you weak. If you aim to seek the help you need there’s no doubt you’ll move on from this heartbreak.

    I agree with Sammy, there’s a certain peace you achieve being civil or mature with an ex. It was part of my healing process too. We are not friends either not because I worry about the circumstances leading to sex, oh no, my first ex betrayed me enough to never want to go there but because we genuinely grew apart and other than my best friend she cheated on with we have nothing in common. God forbid if ‘B’ and I split I know it would be impossible to be friends at first and I do agree if there is a certain amount of chemistry then being best friends will be impossible. But the type of person ‘B’ is and how she changed my life, I’d hate to lose her forever so I’d work damn hard to get to that space at least.

     

    If you really feel your ex was a great influence, you grew and change for the better because of her support etc then aim for being a part of each other’s life one day but accept what you wanted is never going to happen. Then if you ever to reconnect it will be with the right intentions. You care but want nothing more. Not a ruse to win her back.

    #376869
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    First things first bro, never apologise for feeling low. You feel how you feel, no one should negate that. I offer advice but that doesn’t mean I expect you to post you agree with it or to post only when you are feeling positive.

    Writing out your feelings helps, you can see the progression. On bad days look back and see oh yes I did have a better day there so this low will pass. On good days look at the progress.

    We’ve all been there! I understand the feeling you’re just going through the motions to keep up appearances. Don’t pretend, faking it is what gets us into the shit in the first place. We placate, we pretend it will get better but in reality what we need to do is feel all the feels and realise that those emotions we were trying to avoid are there to serve a purpose. They will in the end make us stronger. Showing yourself self love, being firm in who you are, expressing your emotions will help. Just keep reminding yourself that no matter how crap you feel things will get better.

    Its ok you’re feeling low, it’s been 5 weeks. Each person heals at their own speed. You are grieving and no emotion will be constant or linear. There will be periods of feeling f**k it to periods of wanting her.

    I think what you do need to really figure out are your feelings stemming from losing her or because of underlying fears and insecurities? It appears from the outside that there is something within you that believes this was your shot, you don’t believe there’s better for you even if you know you deserve better, would you say this is accurate?

    Mourning perceived potential is dangerous you need to be aware that the “potential” was never there so technically you’re mourning something you never had. Can you answer this question,  what did you enjoy most about this particular relationship and was it really enough?

    If it had been a situation where you had stated this woman was great to you, supported you,  expressed her love and encouraged you but something had felt off to her then I would encourage you to try again. In this case, I honestly do believe once you reach acceptance you’ll realise that this person and type of relationship is no where near what is out there.

    I’m pleased to read there’s support in the form of your sister. It’s good to get out if you feel. Likewise if you want some time to yourself then thats perfectly normal too if it’s sadness only. Howevet if it’s depression, isolating yourself will only feed the narrative you are all alone.

     

    Mate do the hard graft of learning to love yourself,  being better and I guarantee you will be in a much happier place 👍

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Danny.
    #376864
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 sorry for the absence bro, life is in full swing! You sound more positive towards the latter posts but I admit I’ve skim read, are you eating now and feeling better than before? Much of the advice Sammy has given you is on point so I will not reiterate it. Just @ me if you need anything , I hope the weather and inwardly reflecting has lifted the mood. Keep us posted on your progress mate


    @Sammy
    how are you doing? I’ve skim read a few of the posts, it appears you’re in a relationship now? Happy for you mate you’ve really done a lot of work on yourself. You should be proud.

    #376163
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Jay2023

    I will not have the time later in the week to respond.

    Unless you have a few extra pounds to lose, you have to eat mate! Don’t ruin your health. Breaking up is the same grieving process as someone dying. It’s loss. So I understand the sadness and pain. It will pass, as cliché as it is time heals everything.

    If your connection is deep and you miss her and still want to be there for her, then you need to weigh up if you can be friends without expectations. You both get something out of it. Perhaps that is what she wants especially if you’ve had the talk before and it’s been made clear by her you’re not the one.

    However if she has said that and you’ve tried platonic but she is then engaging in being non platonic – she is disrespecting you mate and playing you when she’s bored.

    Do you deserve that? You deserve more respect than that if you’ve been there for her and care the way you do.  If there is disrespect there and you still want to be there and not walk away, then like we said before it boils down to your own issues. Insecurity,  lack of self love, belief, worth and respect.

     

    Once you work and focus on those improvements, I bet you will not even want this woman anymore!

     

    Also well done mate on owning your sensitivity and softer side. Its something I really struggled with from an early age so it led to me choosing women who were bad for me, that same natural sensitivity and heart on sleeve women can possess I would project and make it a weakness in them too. I was so wrong!

     

    You will get through this, just feel all the feels and let it pass through you. When you’re down you can only go up. Decide what you want to do , if it’s a big impact then start feeding not just yourself but your soul. It needs to heal. Grow and then thrive. You’re not alone we’ve been there and understand! Chin up bro!

    #376141
    Danny
    Participant

    @NBC

    I’m so glad you found this thread useful and it’s aided you in your healing. Yes, unfortunately you were missing the most crucial element. You will find someone one day who doesn’t make you question your worth. That is the person who will remind you how worthy you are, this person is the only one worth losing sleep over!

    Thanks mate for your kind wishes and I cross my heart that I’ll honor ‘B’ and remember exactly why it’s her. Even when she annoys me about the toilet seat!

    Happy ever afters are over rated. It is in the struggles and gaining insight and growing where you find real happiness. I wish you all the best for your future. If you need any other male perspective just holler!

    Danny

     

    #376139
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    Jay mate, I know you addressed Sammy but reading your last post, let me tell you anything is achievable with the right mind-set. Once you believe in the concept of positive manifestation, you can move forward in so many ways.

    First thing first bro, if you want to really heal it’s time to make the cut. Maybe in the future you can contact her again when you realise why it all happened and be amiable and friendly. But right now you need to stay strong, and keep away from following her on SM, messaging her and adhere to no contact. You’ve already had “the talk” she made it clear you weren’t on the same page. So don’t get stuck.

    I think you learning to NOT compare yourself to your siblings or others is a perfect place you can begin your self loving journey.

    Tell yourself everyone has their own timing. Society has fed us this pipe dream, pressurised us so much that we end up believing if we don’t have the house, kid, partner by age X then we are somehow a failure.

    Once you decide to live by your own values, be authentic to who you are, that is what will make you fulfilled and content.

    So who are you? What are your values? How do you want to be remembered? Do you really have a strong sense of self if not discover yourself first. Dislikes, likes, what components represent you and your beliefs.
    Then you begin to look at what you want, what do you need in a partnership? Do you offer that to yourself? If no, improve it. If yes, value it in yourself, so you seek better and don’t accept less.

    You could do what I did start from scratch. I showed courage and compassion and went back to some exes (A,B,C) and my ex best mate, had honest frank conversations about my feelings. How they made me feel, I had suppressed the pain I felt as well as the pain I caused. I let go of the bitterness, I asked for forgiveness from those I wronged, I made amends to the people I hurt,  not by just saying sorry but actively proving it to them. Words come easy, taking action and stepping up is real courage. I stopped blaming myself and shaming myself. I self forgave and taught myself to be kinder to me. God my soul felt good. Then I shone, I did my best to be the best and show the good others saw in me. I won back the loml- someone I never knew I could love this much.

    It came from maturing, valuing real qualities over physical intimacy and attraction. I build our castle on strong foundations by changing my patterns,behaviour etc. I am genuinely the happiest man right now. If it all goes pear shaped, then I know I will have no regrets. Thats what life is living with no excuses, no regrets.

    Happiness can’t be found in an object,a person or place it is found inside us. Our souls feel better when we reconnect with who we are rather than who we are pretending to be.

    Authenticness and strengthening emotional intelligence so you are equipped to deal and cope with problems which inevitably arise is the key.

    ‘B’ and are the same but also very different. For example we both are very romantic, heart on sleeve. She was authentic to that. I was running from my softer side due toxic masculinity.

    My morals were slightly different but we compromised for one another whilst agreeing on the crucial ones; loyalty,no cheating etc

    Bro , 35 is not too late for anything. Its never too late as long as you’re living. Go find a woman who is mad about you and wants to grow old with you, wants to accept all of you. The ones who play hard to get, keep you on edge, entice the chase will keep playing you because they don’t know who they are either or what they want. You grow tired of sucked up in games and spewed out when they get bored.

    #375951
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023


    @NBC
    taught us to tag properly but so easy to fall into the pattern of tagging the name we see.

    Anyway bro, listen I think you already know the stark reality that she’s just not feeling it. Only you and her will really know how solid this relationship really was. All signs point towards this being very one way.

    What i will say is that I completely understand that feeling of confusion and sorrow, wondering how it all happened and why.

    Have a read up on sunk cost fallacy in relationships. Sammy as I mentioned in my above post can be direct but she strikes a fair balance between truth and empathy. So I agree with her, there are a few core concepts you really need to explore in depth. Self esteem, attachment, fear of being alone.

    Based on the information provided so far I’d say other than a warm body and physical intimacy at times she didn’t really offer you much. It appears this physical intimacy is a priority for you. I get it bro, but there will come a time when even that is not enough if it isn’t accompanied by the other critical components for a healthy relationship.

    You mentioned from the beginning you seemed incompatible and was surprised by her attraction for you. This points again that the drive was physical intimacy and validation.

    It is evident somewhere within you, you are frightened that love will never happen for you. So you cling to any kind of attention. You’ve really tolerated neglect and disingenuous behavior just to stay in a relationship. This is not a meaningful relationship. There’s so much better out there.

    If your self esteem is rock bottom you’ll continue to participate in these uneven investments for years, one of the two things will happen: your partner will begin to feel too guilty to stick around and break up, or the ones without a conscience will stay in the relationship while simultaneously searching elsewhere for a better deal and using you for whatever need you can fill. This is exactly what has happened, you’ve allowed it to.

    It saddens me you lack self respect mate to remove yourself sooner once you realised she was not giving you what you deserve. What in life has led you to believe this is the treatment you are worthy of?

    Giving a relationship a chance is one thing but your desperation to not be alone is making you a doormat. As someone who has had the battle of insecurity and worth, I empathise and it saddens me to know you think so little of yourself when really you have a lot of love to give. Especially if you were planning on taking on 3 children!

    You need to really build your worth that you don’t tolerate any BS past a certain point. There should be a fair balance of giving someone the benefit of doubt , a chance to grow because we are humans who make mistakes or need guidance but this is someone taking you for a ride.

    I think your self esteem is so badly affected that you feel this is the best you will get. The rest of the relationship may not be as rewarding, but the experience of total satisfaction in that one place which appeared to be physical intimacy was probably overwhelmingly fulfilling. Overtime if you were to reunite unless major work happened on both your behalf it would become more toxic than it is right now.

    I don’t think you should contact her again mate after she has given you numerous reasons over 2 years and not valued you. If you were to get back together would you feel genuine security she will not change her mind again? It wouldn’t surprise me if she did contact you again though, for another round of on/off!

    Have the courage, self respect, only you can say enough is enough. Step up for yourself. Give yourself the love you offered her, work on your insecurities and find a person who inspires you , chooses you and will love you as a whole. Be better by believing in yourself and it will lead to you choosing better. It is possible to change our attraction patterns.

    This can become a vicious cycle if you don’t work on your self esteem. You’ll always seek high octane drama associated with on/off relationships. The thrill of the chase. The validation. You’ll end up missing good opportunities with good women, chasing the wrong fit for you and run the risk of doing so much self damage through these type of relationships you do wind up alone, the very thing you are afraid of.

    I wish schools taught us about self worth, emotional regulation, focused more on emotional intelligence so we would become well adjusted adults without leaving a trail of destruction. But sometimes we have to learn the hard way through hands on life experience. As long as you learn the lesson noting is lost. Don’t repeat your mistakes.

    Mate keeping it 💯 coming from a former dick, stay off the market until you’ve healed your prior mess. Typical lad advice is get under someone to get over someone. But innocent people get caught up in the crossfire and hurt. Living with that guilt – if you have a conscience deep down, trust me it is the last thing you need to add to the mix. I wish I had the likes of @Tim1 in my life or had read this thread before I hurt the one person who always believed in me.

    If you need any advice just @ me. Sometimes you just need to put it in writing, feel heard, I get it if that’s all you needed. You’ll take the path you choose, no judgement. Good luck with it bro !

     

    #375950
    Danny
    Participant

    @NBC

    I have a long weekend off so thought I’d respond before I get busy. I was going to write a response to your first question but I feel it would only be regurgitating what I’ve posted before. If you scroll back you will see the process involved in me realising ‘B’ was the one all along.

    Now your situation with your B involved a different set of circumstances. My ‘B’ the type of person she is would not have got involved with me let alone taken me back, if she had met me if I was married.

    She has a strong moral compass, is very compassionate, understanding but knows her worth and sticks to her core principles and values. She would not entertain that.

    Despite my drawbacks after A’s betrayal believe it or not I would never cheat, I’d never look for another woman whilst married or in a committed relationship even if it was crumbling. I’m traditional and loyal in that sense. So in many ways we are a match.

    So do I see you B having a growth, taking accountabilty and having an epiphany you were the one? In all honesty after your latest encounter it proves very unlikely, old habits die hard. He’s unlikely to change at this age. I think it’s time to let go and move on for good.

    I’m quite impressed with Sammy’s intuitiveness, I’ll admit when I first joined this thread, Her voice was one I muted because it was hard to face what she wrote – the hard truths without fluffing it up too much. However it has really helped me grow. Pushed me to reach a stronger place quicker. I hope in time you reflect on some of it again and gain a different insight.

    Your path is yours to take, whichever road you take i wish you the best of luck. I hope you heal from this chapter to find what you deserve, which is definitely more than what your B offered.

    Work on your self worth, look into OCD, I think there’s an element of obsessive thinking involved because 5 years is a very long time to still be trying to figure him out. I hope the meeting gave you clarity to move forward and you’ve garnered enough insight to realise what a healthy relationship entails.

    #375677
    Danny
    Participant

    Hey bro (@Jay)

    Boy I’m glad you’re a man, with all this gender fluid/PC culture that would have been a right clanger!

    Ahaha, I’ll keep therapist in mind but I’m good thanks, not so long ago I was a mess myself, I think my insight comes from learning from experiences and others. Also my ‘B’ she really has pushed me to change within. All positive effects.

    I do get a buzz now helping others in the same or similar predicament – anything that can lessen the pain and spur healing.

    What do you mean if you was out? Was this a secret relationship?

    You mentioned you don’t understand why she was attracted to you at first. Obviously key thing to note here is lack of self esteem.

    I think when two people initially get together it is very rare to find that someone is authentic from the offset, usually people wear masks and these become hard to keep up usually they drop and honeymoon phase ends. So although you were a mess do you feel you may have acted confident or faked it initially?

    If that was the case then she was attracted to the fake you not the real you.

    In what way did you feel you were incompatible?

    The other reason could be is she just needed attention, to feel wanted and used you and took advantage as she realised you were easy to manipulate if you were not in a good headspace.

    Why do you feel this is love? Have you ever been in love before? If you are up for it, do an exercise that I did, let me know what you think love is. What love do you feel for her. How does she show you love back in return. What do you need in a relationship? What factors are important?

    Once you have written it out, step back and look are you getting everything you need. If you are then of course keep trying. However I’m sure you’ll find that the scales are very unbalanced. This is unrequited.

    I mean if she is on/off then what she says holds no value really as she clearly doesn’t know what she wants and usually when women are ambivalent they already know deep down you’re not the one. Hence she can’t demonstrate the something between you you – at this point you should both be in a committed relationship as you’ve had enough time to learn about each other. If you were to ask for that commitment, would she? If the answers no, then her words are breadcrumbs to keep you around as an option, or for attention when she needs.

    Another thing I picked up is you said you’ve discarded good friends for less?

    This doesn’t sound too healthy. It seems you may be like most of us men you want what you can’t have, formed an attraction patterns especially towards women that are bad for you. The hot and cold makes them more alluring to you but let me tell you, this drama starts to wane you just want peace of mind in the end. These behaviour’s are down to your belief and value system. It can be changed, I’m proof!

    I’ll leave it there for now. Tag me if you need anything bro!

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Danny.
    #375675
    Danny
    Participant

    @NBC

    I said that because I know how ruthless “men” can be. I’ve witnessed some dire behaviour from my old mates.

    A man when he contacts you can out of boredom, to feed his ego. So you need to have your wits about you and not get sucked in and blinded by your lingering feelings should he make contact.

    This man hasn’t sincerely apologised to you or taken accountability so I wouldn’t trust him so readily.

    <i>Did he push away because he had counted on sex and it didn’t happen so he lost interest?</i>

    That is a possibility considering you mentioned he said he did not want to marry again. So he ruled out commitment early on. (I’m assuming you wanted that level of commitment at least one day?) That means he obviously wanted a casual affair. Men lose interest quickly if no sex is offered.

    If he was decent, back then he may have realised you were marriage material (not necessarily for him but generally especially if you are monogamous) so he backed off and didn’t want to treat you as casual fling out of respect or knew you wouldn’t give up the goods. Like I said no one but he knows.

    You’re not over him that’s clear as day. Your process is your own but i hope you stop analysing sooner rather than later.  One day you’ll look back and kick yourself for wasting 5 years of keeping interest alive in this man.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Danny.
    #375611
    Danny
    Participant

    @NBC I was going to write a response but then read what Sammy input and I think it hits the nail on the head!

    The sex part I’d like to add I do agree there should always be consent. No objections there at all !  As a man though we do instinctively in the type of situations described by Sammy expect it to escalate due to our hormones and natural inclination. That can’t be helped. Expectations can be managed though, this is where self control, maturity and discipline for a man is important to avoid hurting a woman. I admit to making mistakes of expecting it and when rebuffed (which wasn’t even a rebuff in some cases like ‘B’ – her exerting her values) being a dick.
    Sometimes we feel the rebuff is a lack of desire on your end. If you’re a not an evolved individual it can hit the fragile ego hard.

    One vital advice I can impart is keep it balanced in future relationships, a man likes to feel desired, useful and even if you are not feeling it that day or not ready, have transparent and honest communication so you both can reach a compromise healthily.

    I think Sammy covered your questions but if there’s anything specific you needed further input on. Let me know!


    @Jay
    welcome to thread. It’s nice to have another bro on here!
    I’m assuming you’re a man but if I’m wrong do forgive me. As men it can be that bit harder and it takes strength to overpower toxic masculinity.

    I can see why you’ve chosen to write out your story, I hope it helps and good on you for taking the step to work through your feelings, and tackle the anxiety. This is the first step. It changed my life posting on here. The lads I was surrounding myself with were just giving awful advice with a lack of emotional intelligence. So I hope you benefit equally.

    Try and remember there will be numerous opinions but you can take as little or as lot from each voice, you’re not obliged to follow it through and the lovely people on this thread will still be there to listen whatever path you choose for yourself. Don’t feel slighted as I did initially by certain opinions.

    My perspective on your situation, having been with someone who pulled the same stunt of wanting me then breaking up numerous times is that this is not what love is.

    It is very hard to be objective whilst in a relationship but once you step away and heal you’ll realise how you were treated and that you deserved more.

    I’m guessing right now you are at that crossroad wanting to do anything to cling on but not knowing how to let go as you can see to a degree something is amiss.

    The thing is your feelings for her may be very true and deep right now and you feel it is the best love you’ve experienced, but she’s demonstrated she doesn’t love you in the same way. Is that something you can settle for, is it really enough for you?

    If your self esteem is so low, you’ll keep yourself in a situation like this and cling because you feel this is all you deserve. However every human deserves a person who loves, respects and shows up equally.

    Your current relationship is toxic, the longer you remain the deeper you are likely to sink. I think it’s time for you to have the courage to leave and start working on the reason why you don’t feel enough.

    This person although you think has helped you, hasn’t really as you only feel adequate with her not alone. When you are in a healthy relationship you have the odd doubts but the anxiety and back and forth is not there. You are more happier, productive etc you never have to decipher what you mean to the other person.

    I believe in second chances. Do I believe in several chances? No. You deserve to be with someone who won’t cut you off and only want you back at her convenience. You are being taken for a mug and allowing yourself to be used. If it didn’t work out during the second chance, this pattern of breaking up is only going to keep happening. Because sex is involved whenever she is feeling horny she is contacting you as an easy option. You deserve respect, and you deserve someone mature enough to want to commit to you. Don’t do this to yourself bro. Cut your losses, grieve and be better so you can choose better. Good luck bro,  touch base if you want any guidance.

    #375352
    Danny
    Participant

    @NBC sorry mate about the delay, I’ve been incredibly busy. I had a read and it is great you seized the opportunity to finally seek answers and gain some closure for yourself.

    No offense but searching up and simulating prompts into why he put ‘love’ instead of ‘live’ in his response is a tad obsessive? Don’t do that to yourself! It’s a slippery slope.

    I think although you state you are over him, I can sense you are still looking for some glimmer of hope. That may be more to do with the feeling of rejection than actually wanting to reconcile though.

    Before I offer my perspective I’ll just state, when a man decides he really wants a woman he will move mountains to be with her. I did for ‘B’ and she rightly only took me back when I proved through my actions I was serious.
    In any relationship that’s what you should demand, have the self respect and worth to know you deserve more than breadcrumbs. Men will respect you more.

    I can’t fault Sammy’s insight, it is on the money mostly.

    In ref to the points you wanted a male perspective on. I’m probably going to break bro code here but here goes.

     

    A reason maybe this didn’t work out is the physical attraction wasn’t there for him. Men are visual so unfortunately unless mature and evolved most men prioritise this aspect. But if he was very hands on with you , flirting and chemistry present then I doubt this is the reason. It would take an unhinged person to fake all that just for sex.

    But that brings me to my next point, if physical or sexual attraction is present then underdeveloped males can be incredibly fickle and can lose interest quickly if sex isn’t on the table for them as they know woman at this stage have the power. So that could be one reason he lost interest.

    I’m not saying give sex to a guy, quite the opposite the fact you didn’t have sex is actually a good thing. I know I respect a woman more when she isn’t easy and is selective but if a man only has that as his goal for you he will definitely lose interest fast! Sad facts!

    I doubt he thought you were promiscuous, you didn’t even have sex. However, he may think that about you out of anger or feel not enough himself if you are very attractive and he is insecure. I.e. Old Danny conjured up all sorts of negative false scenarios. I at one point believed egged on by the lads, ‘B’ was cockteasing and playing me.

    I’m not supporting his actions, what he did was wrong but I personally think if you want a deeper understanding of men, reducing it down to “he just wasn’t into you” will not help.  Men have emotions sometimes due to our lack of emotional regulation and intelligence we mess up.

    Just to give you some insight you will be shocked at how often us men appear outwardly confident but are actually deeply insecure. We often want the emotional connection and to also feel safe. However because we are not accustomed to that support when we get it, we feel internally something is off.

    I believe you two experienced that emotional connect and that isn’t easy to achieve. He probably can’t see it yet but trust me he will one day.

    Instead typically what has played out is the woman who is good and offers emotional support, somehow attraction becomes dampened because we feel emasculated further.

    These type of men often are very attentive and kind but always end up wanting a woman who treats them mean or aggressively. However they are never happy, take note this has NOTHING to do with you , but deep seated issues either in form of mummy issues or from previous relationship experience.

    I was one of them types, but Sammy is right unfortunately not many men are willing to change or look inwardly. If you try to be with them thinking you’ll change them let me tell you, you’ll always lose.

    You were always going to lose, it is clear as day your B hasn’t grown, he offered no real accountability.

    The fact he met you although no consolation does mean he likes you. Maybe he thought you were marriage material and he wanted casual flings as distraction. Who knows?!

    Him mentioning he has a girlfriend may be the truth and he wanted to avoid awkwardness, on the flip side it can also be game playing to see if it evokes jealousy and to get you to admit any remaining feelings first, form of control. It is what insecurity does to you. You constantly feel the need to protect oneself or have the upper hand. Childish really, but not beyond a man if he’s insecure.

    If he is thinking you are under his spell he will no doubt get an ego boost. Women are often desired but men on the other hand face rejection a heck of a lot more. So often men who need this kind of validation keep options or women on back-burner when down on their luck.

    Which brings me to the next point you were most likely an option.

    That is what you need to be wary of. If he has a change of heart, be sure it’s because he wants a serious commitment.

    Not many men do what I did, I only contacted and reinserted myself in ‘B’s’ life when I was sure of what I needed and wanted and who i was. It took a lot of growth.

    You seem to have got a lot out of it,  so it is heartening to see he hasn’t destroyed your faith in men entirely. Although no sex took place let me tell you as men we are very deprived of being able to open up and feel heard. We don’t have what you women have. So even though you didn’t get the relationship let me reassure you the reason why he remembers you is because you touched him emotionally, that can be better than sex!

    Who he is with or what he is doing is no longer your concern. Don’t put your energy into those thoughts, re focus on your own needs and find your next adventure.

    I think most women whilst us men are avoiding the truth, look inwardly very much like Sammy has. There comes a point they have grown so much they don’t look back and want much better for themselves. I only got ‘B’ because I proved through my actions I was better version.

    You don’t need to wish for a fixer upper, you can go out and get the finished product!

    He clearly has a lot of soul searching needed but I wouldn’t count on it happening. The issues in his relationships caused by him are not just applicable to his relationship but in his life as a whole. Until he sees that and cuts out the things harming him he will never change.

    My honest advice to you is the lack of accountability is your answer. He said sorry (people pleasing) but didn’t take ownership of his actions and address that himself. Move forward and live a fulfilled life.

    He will continue to avoid his issues like most men and even if he is in a new relationship, sooner or later it will crack. You can run but not hide forever from your demons.

    Final point, us men are actually very visual so we are more likely to fall in love at first sight (infatuation) real love i have learned is never a rapid flame or sparks, it is a slow burn. I didn’t even realise I was falling in love with ‘B’ in the first 6 months until one casual day I realised I really love this woman and who I am with her, I found myself instinctively caring about her wanting to be her shoulder to lean on etc (see my previous posts).

    #375106
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy mate, understand the attachment you describe. I think when you just vibe or someone has gone to lengths to help you, you can’t help but be invested in returning that favour or checking they’re progressing. It’s a good trait shows you care so don’t lose it. Just be cautious that it doesn’t hurt you in anyway that’s why a little detachment is good for us all.

    Which brings me to my next point. I think I’ve served this thread as much as I can at this point. @NBC seems quiet so that I hope is a positive sign that she is moving her life forward. @Kkasxo I too hope is healing and taken the reins to do what’s best for her. @Tim1 I hope is excited about the impending birth or enjoying fatherhood. @Shelbyville the OG , hope she has found her one. Is stable and one day comes back to conclude her story.

    I think you are very smart, self aware and I wish you the very best in this new adventure. Seize the moment and just let go of your fears. Ultimately if he is good for you, you’ll not need to question it for long or worry about attraction fading. Allow it to develop, feel the change, you’ll see you are stepping up, growing and spurred to be a better person each day. There will be a positive effect on your life in all areas; relationships, work , productivity, spiritually. Thats a healthy relationship.

    If at any stage you get overwhelmed, you can @ me and I’ll respond to the notification. But for now I don’t have the time to leisurely check in like I have been.

    Thank you for all your encouragement and support in helping me become a better human. Thank you for being fair and balanced always.

    Wishing you happiness and positive vibes!

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