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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #388150
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 it’s good to hear from you bro. Thanks for reaching out, how are you doing? Hearing from you all, always made me disconnect from my worries. I hope life’s been good for you bro.

     


    @Rhaenys
    , Jay is right. Let’s not overlook how much effort and energy it took for you to work on your anxieties. It’s not an easy task at all, so well done for still believing and fighting to give yourself what you deserve. A happy and stable relationship.


    @Rhaenys
    and @Jay2023 it’s very much appreciated that you’ve reached out. It’s been tough, when she did the test and it was positive, I’ll admit both of us were shocked, but it didn’t take long to come around and we got excited then she had started to bleed a little. She was inconsolable when she got confirmation she had miscarried and the hospital aftercare was not great.  She kept saying it was her fault and didn’t deserve a child because of her initial reaction. It happened early October so its been about a month, maybe i do need to be more patient. I’ve tried to talk to her, I’ve suggested therapy, I tried to give her space but she is a shadow of her former self. The exotic holiday idea is great we were still in our honeymoon phase but I don’t want to force her to do something she’s not ready for. At the same time I feel I lost her as well as our baby.

    I know this is going to sound awful but I feel it could have been worse if we had been further down the line , had heard a heartbeat. I’ve accepted it wasn’t our time. But the idea of something like that happening again in the future is worrying because this has been hard watching someone you love shut down . I haven’t told B this. I just feel helpless.

    #388151
    Jay
    Participant

    It’s not at all mate everyone has different perceptions of what’s happened, at the end of the day its horrible what’s happened but it sounds like you’ve coped better than she has which to me is a normal turn of events with genders, just hang in there mate things will work themselves out, it’s neither yours fault and its not pleasant but there’s nothing that can change what’s happened, as I say a significant memorable break would be an idea in my head and then go on from there to discuss your plan of action to start a family, it’ll be okay bro don’t panic

    #388160
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 thanks bro. Trying to be strong for her. Truth is she’s always been the strong one, pulls me together. Last night after posting on here, I decided the space between us was widening and I didn’t want to let my old anxieties create paranoia. I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom to give her space to heal as she had asked for it, I went back to our bed last night, when I got in I spooned her hesitantly, she took my hand and kissed it. I asked if she wanted to talk, she didn’t reply so I just told her we are going to get through this together. This is the closest I felt to her in weeks after she requested space. I think you’re both right I just need to accept her way of grieving is different to mine and not panic that I’m losing my wife. Old abandonment fears rearing their ugly head, need to get a grip and realise she sees things differently but that doesn’t mean she will not love me anymore. I’m being selfish. I was thinking maybe do something she did with me once where I wrote a letter and set it alight. But maybe write a letter and bury it with a Teddy as a way of letting go? Is that a bad idea?

     

    Jay bro i recall your kind ways, focusing on the person in trouble and not wanting to talk about yourself but I’d be happy to hear how you’re doing, it’s a space to share and even in this state I care. I appreciate the advice you’ve both given more than you will know. None of our family know what’s happened we wanted to keep the baby news for us and reveal after she started showing or we had the 12 week scan. B insisted after the loss to not tell anyone, I thought having family support for her would’ve been helpful but she doesn’t want that. Instead her parents and family, when they’ve seen her think we are having fights as it’s hard to put up a fake front. Me beings sensitive hurts too as it proves to them I’m not good enough when truth is before this happened we were so happy and falling deeper in love each day.

    I wanted to tell my brother but he’s a new dad himself and I don’t want his experience to be changed as when I know he will stop sending me photos and updates.

    #388166
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan and @Jay2023

    I’m so happy to hear from you too, Jay. And thank you both guys. Yes, I’m really happy and my boyfriend is great, and he is really supportive and caring. I had some anxiety and fear in the begining, and I must admit I still have some days when it emerges a bit, but his behaviour reassures me. I’m also aware that you can never know what the future brings, but also that, if I want love, I have to give it a chance, and take a leap.

    Dear Danny, I’m glad that you managed to connect with B last night. You mention how she was always the brave one, but give yourself credit – this time she needs you and so far it seems you are really brave and strong for her these days. Also not telling anyone and dealing with that yourself, with here shuting you – you are brave, don’t think you are not. I agree with JAy when he suggests you to hang there and believe things will work out. I think the best now you can do is to be there and strong and brave for her (you can do it!). And don’t let you anxiety and fear get you. This time you need to believe in her, just as she did in the past for you.

    I don’t know what to say with the letter idea, as I never felt need for writing myself, but maybe it if helps you, you can do it again.

    I also think you should talk with B, I presume you already did, to tell you that’s it’s not her fault, and it’s normal that you were both shocked and surprised as it was not planned. But maybe it would be good for her to hear that from other person too, maybe someone more objective, so I suggested therapy. I also think that dealing with it this way, only you two knowing about it, is very hard and not the best for you guys. Maybe if you don’t want to talk to hers or yours family, you both (or at least one of you, if she is not ready) can talk to a therapyst. I’m glad you could at least reach here, and we can be here for you.

    Jay, how are you these days?

    #388186
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Rhaenys

    Happy for you mate, you really deserve a guy to show up for you. Your perseverance has paid off. Just carry on doing what you’re doing it’s working! Stay in the present and choose to take a leap each day into the unknown.

     

    Maybe the writing a letter is me clutching at straws. When B got me to write out my feelings about my ex and the betrayal and then watch the words disappear it felt like closure. I though maybe if she wrote a letter to our baby that wasn’t to be and bury it in the garden with a Teddy bear may help as it gives a form of closure??

    I have spoken to her she was full of guilt, highly emotional understandably so, she blamed me and was angry. I love her and know she’s hurting and doesn’t mean it and I’m not going to make it about me. I’ve done enough work on myself to be selfless. You’re right Rhaenys it’s my turn to fight for her and stand strong until she’s ready. Just with anxiety its that bit harder. It never really leaves you. Last night was a first step, she had to go into work for an important meeting so I have dinner ready for her when she returns. This morning she left before I even woke up.

    #388361
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    I haven’t forgot you or left, I was actually thinking this weekend how to help you, what to reply..

    Maybe writing a letter is not my thing, but if it was a way you two used to deal in the past, if it heps you, you can try that or suggest that to her. Maybe it could help.

    It’s really nice to hear how you are gentle to her and ful of understanding even if she blamed you. It seems her response to what happend was thah she shut everyone out – you, her family, it seems she won’t go to therapy. She maybe even got herself tis much into work to avoid dealing with it.
    I’m not sure how to get her out of this, maybe patience and love will help

    How was the weekend? I’d love to hear news from @Jay2023 too.

    I spent my weekend mostly sleeping in bed because i had kind of stomach flu, I did a fast COVID test and I’m vaccinated. I mostly had nausea and stomach pain. But I slept a lot and watched some movies so I had a really god rest. I haven’t been able to se my bf, but we talked a lot during weekend.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by Rhaenys.
    #388371
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thanks, thats very kind of you.

    I hope you recover very quickly from the stomach flu, not nice being poorly. It’s very good to hear the new man in your life is caring and present. I’m sure once you’re back on your feet and fully recovered can make up for lost time!

    I feel a lot better after speaking about it on this thread. Thank to you and @Jay2023 for responding. I’m touched. I had stopped therapy for myself. The wedding,  honeymoon and new house, it burned a huge hole in my pocket so had to make savings. I had achieved what I needed to. This thread though has a funny knack of steering me back on track.

    Things are slowly improving, I’m trying not to push it and strike a balance but although B isn’t ready to talk about it, it was a breakthrough returning to our room, she and I both appreciate the physical proximity, so its nice to hold her and cuddle again. Right now just lying in the bed next to her as she’s sleeps gives me enough peace. I know it is going to take patience and love. I have to just nip those bloody self doubts in the bud.

    I have realised for someone who communicates so well, is vulnerable, open etc she sure shuts down in very serious situations. I don’t know if this is fear left over from our first major argument or just two occasions where she has just felt overwhelmed.

    I noticed for me the shut down makes me feel helpless, abandoned and it’s such a departure from our day to day relationship that my old insecurities and anxieties rear their head, but I’m trying really hard.

     

     

    #388689
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Dannydan

    I had a bit busy week, but I’m good, thank you for your wishes.

    I’m glad you and B sleep together in your room now, I remember how physical proximity and touch were always important for you two. It’s sad you separated rooms in times you needed support of each other the most.

    I remember how I wrote you before a few times, that I think B isn’t perfect either. I thought sometimes you took that as me criticizing her, and I was not. I just don’t think it’s never fair to someone to idolize someone, because then when a flaw appears, when idolized person does something wrong, the ones who idolize her are “mad as hell”. They are harder on that person for a same mistake than if someone else did it. I say that from my personal experience. I think if you give someone a chance to be a person with many good things but also “flaws” – that is acceptance, that is how you accept someone as a person.

    And I’m glad that even now when you realized how B is dealing with serious situations, you are trying to accept that and help her.

    I also understand how you say when B shuts down, old insecurities and anxieties emerge. That happens to me too, and sometimes even in a less serious situations. I’m aware I haven’t solved all my insecurities and anxieties. They don’t go away just because I’m in a relationship now, or you are with B. And some situations trigger them again. I think those are things we have to work on by ourselves and it’s not easy and it’s a process.

    How were things with you and B last week, is it imroving slowly?

    #388697
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys things are much better we did a little a letting go ritual. It has really helped and broken down the walls. She still gets emotional but discusses it with me.

    The advice you gave above is spot on, I’m very aware of that and resentment is not something I’ll allow to creep in. We worked to hard to ruin it now. I just love her and in some ways I’m in awe of her everyday. However I also accept there’s parts I don’t like but when you choose to accept a person, the love allows you to overlook those flaws.

     

    Again on the money with that anxiety or insecurities never really vanishes. Working on oneself continuously can keep it under lock. Thanks Rhaenys. Continue to work on you too and enjoy your new relationship, you deserve it! @Jay2023 hope you’re good bro, haven’t heard back.

     


    @Sammy1
    wherever you are mate, I send positive vibes your way.

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