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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 654 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 1 day, 12 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 656 total)
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  • #229473

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Happy birthday and well done. At the point we are at- survival is an achievement so not texting him even after a few drinks is a courageous feat.

    I’m not as strong today as other days. I’m alone and it’s early and there are no distractions so the pain is in full force. I’m sort of howling with tears, understanding exactly what happened and not understanding at all. I guess that’s the head and heart fighting.

    Im on the brink of texting him. Rationally Inknow it will serve no purpose, that my friends and family will be disappointed and I’m fearful it will set me back in my so-called recovery and yet, the desire remains. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been finding cold turkey extremely difficult because this person was in my life everyday and now nothing. It’s extreme.

    I wish I could tell you I’m doing ok, to give you some hope, and maybe others would say I am, but it feels like I’m not. Ok, maybe I’ll stick it out and not contact, maybe as the weeks go by, the raw feeling will ease and the cravings won’t be as savage. But I genuinely feel I’ll never not be sad about it. That I’ll just get used to living with the pain, loneliness and loss. I can’t see my future as ‘happy’ per se. Just surviving. I guess therein lies the problem.

     

    S x

    #229481

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Thank you for the birthday wishes!

    I couldn’t have said it any better myself when you say you don’t think you’ll ever not be sad about this. You’ll sort of just learn to live with it because you have no other choice. I can most definitely relate to that..

    I actually read through articles which confirmed heartbreak and withdrawal from a person can be just as tough as withdrawals from a drug addiction! Just how powerful these hearts of ours are! Although going cold turkey is extremely difficult you’re absolutely right in saying that any contact does set you back in your recovery. I’m currently living in a state of ‘Will we speak at all today?’ ‘Will he think of me?’ And that in itself fuels hope and is hurtful. I am at the end of my tether with this as rationally I know this is not allowing me to move on.. to truly let go of him or the idea of ‘us’.

    I think give yourself credit where it is due, you have done wonderful so far for not contacting him! That’s a major achievement! Well done girl!

    I hope in a few months time we come back on here with healed hearts and laugh at this thread!

    #229487

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    The not knowing in terms of contact each day must be torture for you? Do you genuinely believe that a future for the two of you that’s happy and fulfilled is possible? Or is it more the loss that’s guiding your heart? The idea that you can’t live a life without him?

    I want to be with this man, but when I ask why, the reasoning is not enough. The answer is ‘because I can’t bare living without him’….not ‘because he makes me happy and secure’….not ‘because I feel we’ll reach our full potential and be the happiest couple on earth’…. it’s because I’m afraid and I just want him back. If I ask that question of myself, the fear of this happening again is just enough of a tether at the moment to prevent me doing anything about contacting him.

    It may not work indefinitely. I feel I’m coming to a point in the road where I will get in contact again. And it will be wrong I know, because the only tiny tiny hope we could have would be if he came back to me and wanted to change.

    A friend just told me it’s ridiculously unfair but unfortunately it is as it is.

     

    S x

    #229493

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    It is absolute torture, you’re absolutely right! I think the one thing I’m sure of is that we love one another. But perhaps love is not enough to keep a relationship together..

    I think you made a very valid point in saying that you want him back because you can’t bear living without him, but at the same time you’re not entirely sure if the relationship would really flourish and progress how you would like it to!

    I think we have to remind ourselves why we are actually in this situation in the first place because good things don’t just break for no reason right? Although it is difficult, It’s important to think of the negatives and use those as motivation to keep us going and working towards something better!

    #229501

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>The thing that’s killing me is that we loved each other too. Despite him being unable to say the words, I knew. The breakup is no doubt killing him too but he got to the stage where he thought it was the right thing.</p>
    Its a pity my head wouldn’t tell my heart that, because I’m truly lost without him. I just did some grocery shopping and there was a long queue and I nearly abandoned my shopping trolley and ran out of the store in pieces.

     
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    #229505

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Oh chick! I’m right there with you!

    I went shopping with my mum and sister yesterday for my birthday and ended up wandering off having a complete breakdown in the middle of a shopping centre in tears!

    It happens!

    You’ve just got to try and keep yourself busy! I know too well that’s extremely difficult because there isn’t anything that I’m doing where he doesn’t cross my mind. But I do find it’s much worse when I’m sitting around doing nothing!

    How are you finding work with everything going on? I know that was extremely tough on me at the beginning!

    #229521

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Work for the first 4-5hours is not exactly thrilling, but at the same time, it gives me a reason to get up each morning, which I’m told will help prevent me slipping into depression. So I do it. I’m finding when I have a day off, the anxiety and heartbreak is much worse.

    As I posted this morning, I was in a dire frame of mind, had almost given up and was about to contact him. Could barely do the grocery shopping. For some reason that has lifted now, I’m not as bad this afternoon. This is what happens, mornings are always the worst. I feel I am not able to cope and as the day wears on, more often than not, the fog is not as thick.

     

    I always want to contact him but at times like this morning, it almost seems too much a temptation to bear. Whereas now I can resist it more. I don’t expect to hear from him so I’m not always checking my phone. Overall I would love to hear from him but at a minute level, I don’t expect to hour to hour.

     

    Would you consider no contact for a week. See how you get on? You don’t have to do it long term if you don’t like, but might be worth a try and see how much you can resist the drug! Anyway, I know what it’s like so I’m not advising you to do anything, just a thought. Option is always there to resume contact if you want.

     

    S x
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    #229533

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    I know exactly what you mean, there are definitely times at which you find your mind wandering more than other times. For me particularly it’s first thing in the morning and when I’m getting ready for bed. When im winding down and everything around me goes quiet my mind always wanders back to him and that’s when I tend to want to reach out to him the most!

    We’ll see how the no contact thing continues. At the moment he sent me a brief birthday message yesterday which I decided it was best to not reply to and we haven’t spoken for a few days prior to that. We probably will continue to not speak however It would’ve been our anniversary on Thursday so I wonder if anything will happen on that day..

    I think in some way a part of me hopes that he reaches out on what would’ve been our anniversary but then on the other hand I think what will it change? If anything, it’ll just take back the progress I had already made in the last few days. I’ve made a pact with my own self to block and cut contact past this point.. I think that’s the best thing to do as heartbreaking as it’ll be for me.

    #229541

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Fair play to you. That’s incredible progress for someone who is bereft and heartbroken. One days progress is an achievement, not to mention a few days.

    I guess I feel the same, I hate the world I’m in right now but a teeny tiny part of me does hold on to the assurance from others including my therapist, that I’m making progress, so it’s that tiny chink of hope for that- in other words not wanting to have to redo the last 17days that has kept me from the edge of contacting him. I’m not strong – I’m just petrified of more pain!

    The trick I’m using to prevent contact is to say to myself, the option is always there, but I don’t think I’ll bother today, maybe tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I do the same. So it doesn’t seem cold turkey, it just seems it’s untol tomorrow!

     

    #229561

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    That’s actually a really good way of thinking about it! I may give that a go!

    I tend to be a kind of in the moment person and so when I’m feeling particularly low I’m like I need to reach out this minute because if I don’t maybe I have myself to blame for thing’s not being any different. In reality, that’s not the case at all. I need to accept the fact that we are where we are because of things that have happened! So i’m going to give the idea of tomorrow thing a go the next time I try to reach out to him!

    I’m always here to talk if you’re feeling low or just need to chat with someone who can relate and I hope to see all progress posts from the both of us in the oncoming weeks!

    #229585

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m fine in terms of contacting him this eve. It just happens that way, I guess grief comes in waves, tomorrow morning I will probably be back to the suffering, heartache & anxiety again, but I am grateful for a reprieve when I get it.</p>
    I do believe I did everything I could to make the relationship flourish, so at least I don’t blame myself too much, however, that doesn’t stop me thinking I could come up with another idea that might change his mind. Trying to control the uncontrollable ?

    I think I’m in trouble on Sundays, I find I’m really at a loss & dwell much more on things in my head.

    Thanks for your updates and support, it is such an isolating lonely experience, that’s it nice to know someone else understands the pain.

     

    Is there anyone on these forums who has experienced what we are experiencing who posted here months ago and is now in a better place? Any advice gratefully received.

     

    s x

    #229591

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    There is actually a post which I followed for a little while and even reached out to Bubba to see how she is doing now as some time has passed since the ordeal, have a read;

    My Fiance broke up with me because of his parents

    #229661

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    Thanks so much for your post. I’m sorry after 3 months you are not feeling much better, I may be in the same position in a couple of months too. Rationally and logically I know my ex tried to move forward but just wasn’t able. But my heart fights with me the whole time, constantly wanting to understand why he couldn’t just take the steps, or work on himself so he would eventually be able to take the steps. The fact you have not contacted your ex girlfriend since you split shows incredible self-restraint and you are a stronger person than I.

    My relationship was almost 4 years long so I’m hoping it won’t take 2 to get over it. The sleeping is also a problem for me too, but I have not had to resort to any medication to aid sleep just yet, hopefully that will continue and I will eventually get back into a sleeping pattern naturally.

    I’m sorry for your heartache Tom, I completely understand.

    #229663

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Thanks for that link, it seems Bubba has been having a tough 18 months. I’m not even on 18 days yet, so I can’t imagine how I’m going to suffer this for months.

    Anger might have helped me move forward, but unfortunately I can’t be mad at him at all. He’s kind, sweet and caring and while he ended the relationship to make life more comfortable for himself, I suspect he feels he did it for me too so that he wouldn’t continue to not live up to my hopes etc.

    My tummy is like a washing machine the whole time and I have no interest in trying to make myself up, just enough self-care to get me to work everyday is about all I can manage right now.

     

    S x

    #229665

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    It is unfortunate Shelby but yes I do think we have a while yet to go before we both feel remotely okay. A lot of self control will need to take place in order to ensure healing, unfortunately something I’m not very good at! Keeping in light contact on my end will need to stop to progress.. i’m slowly getting there.

    I like to rationalise with myself and say that it didn’t take me 2 months to fall in love with him.. therefore it’s impossible for it to take 2 months to get over him! It’ll take time!

    Try to just be kind to yourself enough to get you by daily. If you don’t fancy getting dressed up there’s nothing wrong with that! I stayed in bed for probably the first 6 weeks after. I also lost a total of 2 stone in that time as I simply couldn’t eat anything and my appetite is still not back to normality.

    I’m feeling rather low this morning! I keep checking my phone in some crazy hope of a turnaround of events. Just going to try and keep busy at work! That’s the best I can do!

     

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 656 total)

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