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My Fiance broke up with me because of his parents

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #143007

    Bubba
    Participant

    I was dating my ex fiance when he got stationed out of state for a job. We continued a long distance relationship because I was not ready to move right away.

    We decided that we loved each other and were serious about each other so I moved out there with him because it was easier for me to move. I left my job, school family and friends. We had arguments here and there like any couple but most of them were because his parents were intruding into our relationship and wanted to control his life and random petty arguments once in a blue moon. I had always been the same and he knew who I was.

    We got engaged after 2 years (lived together for 3, so 5 total) and his parents (his mom) changed completely after ohr engagement but never said she did not want us together. His parents never mentioned anything about the wedding (plans) and never even brought it up. I was afraid to talk to them about my ideas because of their actions. I talked to me ex F about it instead.

    He is very close to his family and uses their judgment/advice when he makes decisions. I did not think that he was under so much control until this occured.

    My ex fiance and I agreed on a wedding date and location. He checked with his parents and I checked with mine. They were all okay with the date and location (destination wedding, small). His parents visited us for Xmas (2016) and I gave them invitations to invite their friends (their reaponse was we don’t have anyone to invite). They left and never even took the invitations with them. 3 months before the wedding, 2 months after they had visited us, his parents called him and told him they felt insulted by my parents at a party and that they werent coming to the wedding.

    Before he advised me of his parents statement he said “we got a big problem”.

    His parents and my parents are friends (18 yrs) btw and were friends before him and I started dating. They shouldve went to my parents and talked about any issues they had (they made stuff up) but instead they came to him and told him they were not going to the wedding because of it.

    My ex fiance came to me and asked me to ask my parents what happened and to ask them to call his parents to work it out. I did, my parents called his parents, but they did not answer their phone, my parents left a voicemail. They never called them back.

    My ex fiance and I started arguing, it caused tension and arguments between us. (I truly believe his parents wanted this) They brainwashed him/manipulated and put into his head all of these negative thoughts about me and my family.

    He started to believe them and that they wanted the best for him and told me that if his parents don’t come to the wedding that he cant come either. I paid the deposit and my dress and etc btw. Also all invitations were sent.

    We tried to find a solution but I did not know what else to do, I felt like his parents were critizing me and my family and placing their views and ideas inside his brain. He started to see me as this evil person because I told him “can’t you see they are trying to tear us apart”. I asked him what I can do but we had nothing because his parents were the only ones who could change anything but refused to call my parents back.

    I was fed up of crying and thinking that our wedding will be canceled because of his parents and that he actually would allow that. He couldn’t put his foot down, the more frustrating thing was that he was blind and unaware of what his parents were doing.

    I felt like he should have stood up to them and told them that we wanted them at the wedding but the choice is theirs and their reasoning was not enough for a dramatic scene like this. He started taking their side, I started losing patience and was arguing with him. I felt like he was bot standing up for US and for his Future wife. I gave him an ultimatum, if he cancels the wedding because of this we are done.

    Postponing it did not mean anything, his parents wanted to break us up and if they did not come to that wedding was I sopposed to sit and wait for them to decide when they will stop being mad? Btw they were mad for nothing they made up some petty things that were not true.

    He came back the next day from work and said we werent meant to be together and did not want to try to work on things at all.

    He did not blame his reasoning on his parents but he blamed it on me. He told me my attitude and actions/over reactions in all our arguments were the reason and that we cant communicate. He also said his gut feeling was telling him something but he still loved me. I had an anxiety attack, I did not expect this from a guy that was kind to me that loved me and all of a sudden was having a gut feeling. I poured my heart out to him telling him that I loved him unconditionally and he said he would think about it. He came back the following day with the same solution, that we weren’t meant to be. I believe he spoke to his prents again and they decided for him.

    He also asked for his ring back and a expensive watch he gave me and asked me what I was taking from our home.(He did this after receiving text messages, from his parents).

    He had a hard time saying all this, his words were trembling and his eyes were bloodsbot. He said he loved me with his heart but his gut feeling was telling him we werent compatible. & he basically said he wrote down all of my good qualities vs bad ones on a piece of paper and thought about it.

    I was in the process of moving out and had broken down a few more times and asked him was he sure, because I couldnt believe it. He said he was sure and that his parents had nothing to do with the decision he made. 2 weeks passed and he said I confirmed any doubts he had about his decision by my actions (I had to leave for 2 weeks because of the pain I was going through) he also said his feelings changed for me and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore all of a sudden.

    I can’t believe that because this guy was picking a wedding cake with me 3 days before his parents said they weren’t coming to the wedding. He was happy and excited and even ordered some wedding bands that we could wear when doing sports activities. He was drawing sketches of what he thought we should do for our favors.

    I will never understand his actions and how can you hurt a person you loved for five years and tell them you dont love them 3 months before your wedding. It will never make sense, because everything was ok before his parents stirred the pot.

    What i just wrote does not sound like the man I knew for 6 years. Never before has he said anything so hurtful to me.

    Its been two months I moved most of my stuff out but I cant seem to understand what happened to my relationship, I am hurting.

    Please give me your opinions/advice.

    Also we have a dog and I wanted to take him with me, he didin't agree. He wanted to switch and share the dog, I disagreed. I came to terms that I would leave the dog with him because I did not want to share him because I did not want interaction with my ex because of the pain. Once I came to terms with this my ex changed his mind and said ok you can take the dog. I had already found a place where dogs were not really allowed. I told him I came to terms with it already got a place where they don't allow dogs. He said “I think you just don't want the responsibility.” How cruel is that? He has become this evil person that I did not know.

    He watches me when I pack to make sure I am not packing any of his items, he wants to argue about petty stuff like why am I taking all of the olive oil, That I actually bought. He called me a bitch bc I asked for a certain amount of money for the house. Both our names or on the title and I was paying rent and for food so I felt like I deserved a portion of it.

    He told me I came out here to leach him for money. Wow this was so hurtful bc I never asked him for money. I paid for what I could in the beggining I got a good job and paid half the rent, groceries and for dining/going out. Through all this I went through an academy of 8 months to get my job. This was very demanding physically, mentally and emotionally. This was my second academy because I had already went through one in another state but since I moved to a different state I had to go through it again. I did this bc I wanted to be with him and I truly loved him and truly thought he loved me.

    Based on his actions, he is not the guy I knew. The statements he is making sound like something his parents would say, I am so shocked that he believes them because he knows who I am and he knows my heart. I have a huge heart and he knows it and I never ever used him for anything.

    Please give me some advice,

    Thank you so much, <3.

    #143085

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    Your ex's later behavior, regarding the dog, the olive oil and such indicates to me that he is frustrated with his choice (as influenced as it has been by his parents), that he is doubting himself (and his parents), and is therefore trying to … cement his position that you are at fault, that you are the evil entity, so to feel better about his choice.

    A clue to the right-before-the wedding dynamic is in your initial share: “We had arguments here and there like any couple… because his parents were intruding..”

    I often read accounts about arguments and fights “like any couple”- I wonder where that statement “like any couple” comes from, has the person witnessed any and every couple… and why do arguments assumed to be normal and necessary in a relationship)-

    What were those initial arguments about- what did he bring up and how did you respond?

    anita

     

    #143087

    anita
    Participant

    * didn't record…

    #143123

    Bubba
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita thank you so much,</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>So the previous arguments were about his parents belittling me and my family. Also making statements like “why did you buy this or that for the house”, they intruted into our financial status, he told them basically everything about me and what i pay for and my student debt and they would mantion how it's not good to have debt and how that needs to be taken care of first vs. other things.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Our personal arguments were in reference to house chores, he would conplain how I did not help him with the outise chores and I would conplain how he did not help me with the inside chores. Besides that I would get upset at him because of his attitude and his actions/what he said to me( this was right after I moved in with him and left my job and everything) and I tried to pack my bags twice and he stopped me. I admit that I was hot headed and also going through a lot because I was home sick, left my career and did not have a job at the time.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>We always talked about our arguments and resolved them. After these incidents I never packed my bags  but I wanted to go out for a walk after an argument and once to a hotel room to clear my head. He stopped me everytime and every time we talked about why we were both upset and etc.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>We hadnt had an argument get to that in over a year, our arguments were about chores and finances, he loves to save every penny and I liked to life comftorbly. He would turn the heat off in the winter and I wohld be cold and I would turn it back on. When i first moved in with him he would not flush the toulet after urinating, “trying to keep the water bill down”. I flushed and I told him that I was not gonna live like that, we werent struggling at all in regards to money.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>He is 34 and I am 27, he would not wanna plan/do anything fun. We only went out to eat and mostly at like regular restaurants  nothing fancy or a dinner date. All he did was watch tv, play video games and he recently started playing golf. He recently played video games for hours a day. He never made any plans to take me anywhere. If we went somewhwerw it was because I planned it. I suggested many places I woukd like to go see and he never even looked into it.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I was basically a house wife on top of working 10 hrs a day plus commuting 2 hours. He worked 6 hours a day and commuted 1 hr total. He never ever made dinner for me or anything. Plus my job was physically more demanding then his. On top of that I worked midnights because I had no senority yet.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I admit that I was not perfect and that I had bad days but he was all i had and I loved him unconditionally. I always apologized if I was wrong and tried to work on my flaws. I cooked and when we were home together I would serve him first with a hot plate then I would make myself a plate. I really loved him and cared for him. He was kind to me as well, he would pick up my clothes from the dry cleaners at times, he would feed the dog and he would tell me kind words. He recently started acting different, he would say things like you will pay the bill for electricity because I had turned the heat on. And he would say that he does everything and that i dont do much reffering to chores. 3 weeks before we broke up he was very distant, as I mentioned he played video games a lot! From like 4 pm to 9-10 pm. He said he was tired for sex. He seemed very depressed and I even mention it to him that he appeared depressed to me. He said he wasn't.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>It is weird, this whole thing the way it played out does not make sense.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Also the initial reasons for him breaking it off were like this after he said he can't come to the wedding if his parents are not there and I got so mad and said ok let me know so i can find a roomate because obviously our status will change.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>1. He came home the following day, rushed in and said in a trembling voice, not looking at me, in his entire work outfit and shoes “i dont think we are meant to be together”, i had an anxiety attack my world was crushed his reasoning was “I love you but this gut feeling is not going away and I dont think we are compatible”</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>2. Two weeks later (I had left and told him I need a few days  it to contact me), he contacted me and I did not reapond, when I came back he said “I wasnt sure if I made the right decision but you proved to me that i did” meaning my no response/actions were wrong</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>3. A few days passed and  now the new line was “i am not in love with u but i care for u”</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>4.after seeing that I could  not accept the reasons he was giving me he said “i dont love you anymore”</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I feel as you said that he is trying to find something to justify his decision and that he is pushing me away further with the words, but idk why.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>He has always been a thoughtful person and never makes sudden/impulsive decisions. He stormed in that day like he had developed courage to say those words and he did not even want to try to work it out. He refused counseling and said i dont think it will help.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I truly believe his parents gave him an ultimatum. There is no logic behind his actions.</p>

    #143149

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    You are welcome.

    He was very frugal, not turning the heat in the winter time  and not flushing the toilet so to save water even though he/ the two of you were able to afford the heat … and the flushing of water. He also didn't want to take you out.

    You worked 10 hours of physically demanding job per day, commuted two hours per day, cooked for him and did inside chores while he (who worked a less physically demanding job + commute 7 hours per day)  played computer games up to 6 hours per day.

    You wrote: “I truly believe his parents gave him an ultimatum. There is no logic behind his actions (action is breaking up with you)”

    I would like to offer the following logic behind his breaking up with you: he was too uncomfortable about spending money. It pained him to spend money. Living alone he could determine when to turn the heat on and when to flush the toilet. Living with you, at times you turned on the heat and you flushed the toilet. The expense of it terrified him.

    He broke up with you so that he will be in control of the heat and the toilet. I don't think his parents had anything to do with it. He called them to complain about you. He fed them with negative information about you.

    It is not his parents. Your fiancé broke up with you because of his stinginess.

    What do you think about his stinginess (fear and distress about any expenditure, no matter how small)? Are you at all relieved that you don't have to live a lifetime fearing to turn on the heat at winter time or facing an unflushed toilet for the rest of your life?

    anita

    #143275

    Bubba
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

     

    I Really do appreciate your response and did not even see that as a reason for the break up since it was petty. I don't think that was it though and still feel like he was being pressured by his parents because he was very upset that they were not coming to the wedding. He was extremely stressed out about it. I on the other hand was not helpful by arguing with him and causing more stress. I really feel like I contributed to the break up as well. I am kind of in a place where I am unsure what his intentions are.

    Today I picked up our dog so I can take him to the park before I moved all of my stuff out, just some clothes left. Btw the house is empty, this huge home has no feeling to it, only a couch a table and a tv with a stand. Everything else I took because it was my stuff. My ex was there and he approached me in a very kind way. He came up to me and hugged me and kissed me on the side of my head and said I love you. I hugged him back and told him I loved him as well. I have been doing a lot of self reflection and learning how the ego works. I also started meditations and watching a lot of spiritual videos and etc. I became aware that my anger came from my emotions/pain I felt which came from my thoughts.

    I am learning to give love no matter what, no matter if this person caused me despair/pain. Because deep down I only feel love, not the anger and resentment , all of that arises from my ego.

    I opened up to him and told him I can only give him love and that I care about him. I also told him that I Forgive him and that it was my commitment not just a feeling and that we are human and make mistakes. He said I know, I love you and you are my best friend. He said he did not mean the nasty things he said to me and that I can understand. He also said he understands that I was in pain and that is why I said certain things to him as well.

    He did not say let's get back together though, I still packed a few more boxes from the home and placed them in my car. He kissed me and said Inlove you and asked did I want to have sex because we got  very intimate in our conversation and it was deep and understanding. It felt so right. His eyes were shining bright and he had that smile he had for me before. He said wow cleaning the house takes a lot of work and idk if he tried to show me that now he sees that my job was not easy.

    I told him I loved him and that sex with him was comfortable and that I would like that but wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. He said ok and that he didn't want to pressure me, he said he loved me and that he felt like we both needed to release stress. We ended up having sex and it was great, we were intimate, he told me he loved me during sex which he always used to do. He hugged me close and told me that he is sad that we got to this point. He said that he doesn't know what happened and how we got here. I told him there was some type of miscommunication on both ends and we were under stress plus our ego were taking over. Afterwords he made us steak salads and we ate. I told him I still believed we were meant to be because of the bond we have and our goals and etc. I advised him that my arms were open to him and not to doubt himself about contacting me if he decides he wants to try again. I told him I hope that I still feel the same during that time but I also said maybe we need some time apart. He says he agreed, and he says maybe a year maybe less, he said he did not know. He just knew that he loved me and he is saddened by the fact that we came to this point.

    I took the dog with me and Inleft, Before leaving he said I love you drive safe and be careful and kissed me.

    This felt like the guy I knew, it felt so magical like we were on the same energy level again. It was right and comfortable. Since the incident dues to stress (assuming) my heart has been literally hurting/physical pain.Today while I was with him and things went well, my heart did not hurt at all.

    Idk, people tell me that I am stupid but I feel like  I Know who he is and how much we love each other. I feel like their egos and their anger are upset for me. Maybe I am just weak and my love for him is in the way, but I can't deny that I love him.

    I feel like he is ashamed of what he did, the way he did and why he did it. I feel like he is ashamed to even try again,so he is confused. Because it was so sudden, I left the house and slept on my friends couch for weeks until Infound a place and slept on a blow up mattress and ate off of it until I moved my furniture. He also took my car off of his insurance (I was paying him) when a new month started, he did allot of things but I feel like he was hurt and angry and had resentment toward me because Of my actions. I don't hate him, blame him or resent him. Initially I Tried because of my pain, but I couldn't. I love him even though this happened and I actually feel bad for him. I feel like he got to the highest level of stress and anxiety that he blew up.

     

    Please share your thoughts on this, Thanks!

     

     

    #143287

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    In your original post, you wrote regarding the reasons his parents were against the wedding: “they were mad for nothing they made up some petty things that were not true”- that is all your mention regarding their reasons. Later on you wrote: “He (your ex fiancé) said he was sure and that his parents had nothing to do with the decision he made”.

    In your last post, in response to my suggestion that he broke up with you because of his (extreme) stinginess, you wrote that you: ” did not even see that as a reason for the break up since it was petty”-

    You are ignoring important information by calling it “petty”. What is petty for you, like his extreme stinginess, is not petty for him: he may be experiencing severe anxiety about spending money, so much so that he couldn't endure the financial cost of the wedding.

    You wrote in your original post that you love your ex fiancé unconditionally. In your last post, you certainly behaved unconditionally loving toward him, that is, loving him no matter what he does, or not, like a saint, sacrificing yourself any which way.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  anita.
    #144201

    Bubba
    Participant

    You are right. He was most likely stressed about the money. But I do not believe that it was the only reason. I truly believe it was his parents that split us apart and that he was not strong enough to stand up to them. After they said they were not coming to the wedding, he had gotten into fights with them and stopped talking to them for a few days.

    He eventually stopped communicating with me and was quiet. I felt like something was wrong but I never imagined it would bring us to a breaking point. He loved me very much and I never even thought that he would leave my side. He was the kind of person that never gave up on me and always wanted to talk about our problems.

    Something happened that day, he said the words I never wanted to hear and he did not even want to try. It was like he knew there is no going back and fixing the issues. His decision was set in stone. He blamed it on me and his feelings as I mentioned before but not the real reason “his parents”.

    I was so shocked, I lived with him 3 years, we had a dog and a house, we had planned for kids in the near future and other life goals. We had a visual of us growing old together. But he made that sudden decision 2 weeks after his parents said they weren't coming to our wedding.

    It's hard to move on from this. I can't understand how he had the guts to do this to me after all I had sacrificed. I don't understand how a person can't stand up for the person they love at the age of 34. How could he not see that he has to live his life the way he wants to and not what his parents want for him. He always told me I was the only girl he loved and that he would never leave me, but I guess he never thought about the possibility if it was me or his parents who would he chose. He chose them because they forced him to chose. I don't understand why though, I did nothing to them. I treated them with respect and loved them. I guess they saw that he was arguing with them and they were losing control over him. What kind of parents are those? I am an emotional roller coaster, I feel pain, hurt, sorrow, confusion but I have hope somewhere deep down. It is so hard, so hard to look at my ring, wedding dress, pictures and think about the memories and the future we had planned and now feel down. We were perfect for each other but his parents split us up. Ultimately it was his decision and I really feel and know that he will regret this and realize what he allowed to happen.

    I am alone in this city, I have never been alone but I am fighting every day. The fact that he left me alone in this city that I came to because of him and went through the struggles to find a job and worked hard to get to where I am now saddens me. It saddens me because I could never leave someone I love the way he left me. I know he loves me but Inguess not enough.

     

    I want ant to move on, I don't want to hurt and feel this pain anymore. I am aware that Inhave to go through it and not around it but at certain times it's so draining and real. I feel the pain physically. I want to find a good man and marry and have kids. I don't want to love my ex anymore. I have numerous thoughts going through my head that Inmight never find what we had with someone else and that I might never get married and have my own family.

    My friends and family tell me that I have the characteristics that are very rare to find, that I give unconditional love to the people Imlove, that I fight for what I believe in and yes it is true but I feel like the way I am is causing me to feel used and in pain. It seems like everyone takes advantage of that, I ask myself should I change and stop being so giving.

    I know what I need to do and I am slowly doing it and getting through each day but at times I feel stuck and think that I will never get over what he did to me.

    I know deep down that he will look for me one day and realize what he has lost and who but I don't want to love him anymore.

     

    #144239

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    Regardless of the reasons, he broke up with you even though you loved him unconditionally and sacrificed a lot for him.

    I agree with your friends and family who tell you that you “give unconditional love to the people (you) love” and that it is causing you  “to feel used and in pain. It seems like everyone takes advantage of that”. You asked yourself: “should I change and stop being so giving”?

    If you asked me this question, my answer would be: yes, do change, stop sacrificing yourself! Stop loving a man unconditionally: make your love for a man conditional on a relationship bein a Win-Win deal, win for you (and win for him).

    Take care of yourself, make yourself Number One in your life.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  anita.
    #144635

    Bubba
    Participant

    Thank you, you are absolutely right. He broke it off regardless of the reasons. I am just having a hard time accepting that, accepting the way things happened. It was out of nowhere. It was a shock to me and my system.

    It seems to me like he wants to maintain contact and possibly use me. Since we were intimate twice after the break up I feel like he wants to continue to use me for sex because he has the emotional attachment with me. A week ago I signed the needed paperwork for the house and left him with a “take care”. He said to me “hold on let me give you a hug” as I walked away from him and said “no hugs”. I got in my car and left it at that. I don't plan on ever talking to him again and I don't want to ever see him again.

    He texted me 30 mins after asking about his “umbrella and a backpack” that I have with me that is his. These things cost maybe 20 bucks, I have left a huge safe a grill and other items at the house for him because I could not bring them with me. I don't know if he is actually being petty or is trying to find reasons to talk to me and see if I respond. I did not respond, but got another message from him 6 days after that one saying “when You drop off or mail the backpack and flashlight can You include the spare house key and spare mailbox key”. He is seriously out of his mind, he can make new keys and he does not need that backpack and flashlight, they are small petty items. I truly believe he just wants a response from me. I did not respond and don't plan to. I don't plan on mailing him those petty items either because it's just so stupid. There are several items at the house I left and he is using.

    What do you think about this? This is coming from a 34 year old man that has a very serious job.

     

    Thanks so much!

    #144639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    You are welcome. I think that he really cares for the backpack and flashlight, even though he has a “very serious job”, after all he cared to save the water it takes to flush a toilet!

    He wants his backpack, flashlight, spare keys and sex. Seems like that is all he wants, is what I think.

    I sure hope you heal from this relationship and breakup. In the future, do choose a man who will be good to you. Post anytime. I wish you well.

    anita

     

    #148625

    Bubba
    Participant

    Hello, hope all is well. I just wanted to update my story and see what you think.

    The first text I received as I wrote above, he asked about the backpack, flashlight and an umbrella. I did not respond or send it to him. I feel like he just wanted a response and also to control me because it has been boosting his ego. Also I did not send his items back because they are literally worth maybe 20 bucks all together and I left plenty of things at the house for him. Also I did not want to give him that satisfaction of bringing the items to him or mailing them because he would think that I still care about his opinion/ views. I did not respond or send him the items.

    I received another text a week later saying “when you drop off the backpack, flashlight and umbrella can you include the spare house key and mailbox key”. Seriously? It's not that he wants the keys back  because he thinks I will go into the home because if thats the case I can make spares. I think its because he wanted a reaponse from me. I did not respond. I also did not mail anything, it's so stupid.

     

    Next message I receive is about 10 days after that one saying “Happy Birthday hope you are well and take care”. No mention of the backpack and etc. anymore. Now he is saying happy b-day? It makes no sense. I believe he wanted a reaction again. I did not respond and don't plan on.

     

    Next message I receive is 10 days after the birthday one. He heard that a car crash occured at the place I work at. He saw it on the news and did  not know if I was involved. He texted me saying “Heard about the crash last night are you ok”.

     

    two hours after that text I received 2 blocked number calls. I never receive blocked number calls, its been years. The following day I receive another call from a blocked number.

     

    I did not respond or answer to any of these messages or calls.

     

    I am doing  better, I have my bad days and good days. I am still confused and have no answers for his actions. All I know is that he was very selfish, cruel, disrespectful and ignorant. I feel  betrayed and used, I feel dissapointed and I don't trust him.

     

    My heart still loves him deep down and I miss my dog dearly. But his actions are confusing. Why is he contacting me? Does he just want attention or does he really care and does not know how to approach me and start a convo?

     

    I know what he did is unforgivable and terrible. I don't want to love him anymore, I don't want to give him a chance. I am afraid that if he is persistent that I will give in. The question is if he asks for forgiveness and wants to get back together, is it even worth it? What he did is so terrible, I know I should move on but what if he tells me the truth that he lost it and was going through a rough time and he made the wrong decision because of his parents. I am confused on what I would do. Eveyone tells me that I need to move on and never get back with him because he was not man enough and acted like a crazy person.

     

    I just don't know why he keeps texting me, but he changed his approach as you see. Now he is acting nice and caring instead of asking for the  backpack.

     

    Thank you!

     

    #148653

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bubba:

    I am glad you are back with an update. Congratulations for NOT responding to him again and again. Wise choice, following clear thinking on your part!

    You wrote: “I am still confused and have no answers for his actions.” But then, in the same sentence,  you cleared your own confusion: “All I know is that he was very selfish, cruel, disrespectful and ignorant. I feel  betrayed and used, I feel dissapointed and I don’t trust him”

    – that means his actions are about him being selfish, cruel and disrespectful. He probably wants what he wanted before, after the breakup, sex with no commitment. But one thing is clear to me: the fact that he was selfish, cruel and disrespectful to you AND the fact that he did not sincerely and at length apologized for his behavior, followed by making real amends and changing his behavior, is indication to me that there is no reason for you to assume that he is no longer selfish, cruel and disrespectful.

    You asked again: “But his actions are confusing. Why is he contacting me? Does he just want attention or does he really care and does not know how to approach me and start a convo?”-if he wanted to start a conversation- he should have stated that. It is not your job to figure out what he wants, it is HIS job to make it known.

    You wrote: “I am afraid that if he is persistent that I will give in. The question is if he asks for forgiveness and wants to get back together, is it even worth it?”- my answer is: no, it is not worth it. It will be a big mistake on your part, bringing yourself more misery. You will be losing the good feeling you gained by not contacting him for so long.

    As I wrote, IF he sincerely apologized, with details, realizing in depth what he did wrong, then maybe, maybe. But there has been no communication on his part with such insight, suggestion of significant amends of his behavior, and no reason to assume that there is any such which he is not expressing.

    Keep posting. I like your no-response to him. Keep at it.

    anita

     

    #186501

    Kindle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You have given some very valuable advice and insights there.

    Having been there, it took me a decade to understand it was not his parents and friends treating me disrespectfully, it was him feeding them that stuff about me and feeding me the stories of their disrespect and disapproval – him staying as a victim everywhere!

    You said – “

    He called them to complain about you. He fed them with negative information about you.

    It is not his parents. Your fiancé broke up with you”  this was my experience atleast in a very similar scenario!

     

    I hope our friend Bubba here benefits and heals and is able to move on.

     

    #186553

    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Kindle:

    Thank you for your appreciation.  Regarding the rest of your post here: ultimately, a person has to be held responsible for his or her behavior. Otherwise there can be no improvement in one's behavior.

    Taking on Individual Responsibility for our behavior now, no longer harming others, needs to be done regardless of our past and of what others' input in our lives has been and is.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
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