March 7, 2018 at 5:32 pm #196277BambiParticipant
really interesting forum as i went through the exact same thing – if not only worse. I realized it was my fiancé all along and i blamed everyone else for our breakup (esp his family). I made plenty of mistakes, but he lead me on till the last moment, humiliated me and cut me off. They were so incredibly mean, and unforgiving. I have come to terms with it and definitely learnt a lot from it. I wonder what happened with Bubba – I hope she’s at a better place.March 10, 2018 at 8:28 am #196645
Hi, you are right, it was him. He had a choice, the ball was in his court no one could have made him do what he did. I am disgusted thinking that I allowed myself to love a person like him, someone who could hurt a person so cruelly without a reason and so unexpectedly. He bombarded my spirit at a time where I was happy, happy in my mind to marry someone I loved. To just leave a young female in a big city where she has no family, and treat her like a piece of garbage for no reason. He lured me into his life and tried to destroy me at the end. I can’t believe what a monster he is and that I lived with this person for 3 years and was going to marry him.
I have not fully recovered from this incident that occurred in my life. I still have questions, I feel stuck. Some days I get sad, some days I wonder and other days I feel sick to my stomach. There are days where I am happy but I have lost the desire to be in love, to give someone a chance and to trust anyone again. I trusted him with my life and I would’ve bet anything that he was never going to let me down, but he did.
I have not dated or been with anyone in a year, I haven’t even been on a date. I have been in school furthering my career, working, went on a few trips and that is pretty much it. I needed this time to heal, and even though I know it is time for me to move on completely and give someone a chance, I feel stuck, I feel sick and have no inspiration when it comes to relationships. I do have days where I feel like I need intimacy with someone, but most days I would rather be alone.March 10, 2018 at 10:29 am #196653
Welcome back to your thread. I went back and read all your posts, beginning almost a year ago, March 2017 (I did not read my/others’ replies to you).
You wrote in your recent post: “I feel stuck, I feel sick and have no inspiration when it comes to relationships”. I wonder if I can provide you with any help that will encourage you somehow to get unstuck. Maybe I can, since I read your posts slowly and thoroughly. I will respond to what you wrote in your recent post and refer in my responses to what I learned from pervious posts.
You wrote: “it was him. He had a choice”- for a long time earlier you held on to this position (April 8): “We were perfect for each other but his parents split us up”. It was his choice although it is most likely also true that he was heavily influenced by his parents’ input.
And it is true that you were not perfect for each other, not at any time.
You wrote: “someone (him) who could hurt a person so cruelly without a reason and so unexpectedly”- no doubt you were hurt, still are, no doubt some of his behavior was inconsiderate at best, hurtful at worst. But his breaking up the engagement and the relationship was not without a reason nor was it unexpected. I will soon elaborate on this.
You wrote: “He lured me into his life… what a monster he is”- you were fully responsible for moving to where he was, sacrificing what you did so to live with him. You had 50% responsibility for arguing with him repeatedly, before and after his parents’ input. He is probably not a monster, an all-bad creature.
More of my input: his parents as well as him cared a lot about money, very frugal. This has been a significant issue all along, one that you didn’t fully acknowledge. In that way, the two of you were definitely incompatible (something he told you, that the two of you were not compatible).
The arguments, which I understand started long before his parents’ involvement, were a big problem which make the breakup not sudden or unexpected. This is also something, I believe, that you did not adequately acknowledged. You had a tough time when you moved in with him, having sacrificed your job and otherwise, so to live with him. During that time you argued a lot and those arguments were tough on him, not only on you. These arguments and the arguments about his parents, were a big reason for him breaking up with you.
I understand your frustration, of course, with his parents, but there is no denying the fact that those arguments hurt your efforts to proceed with the marriage, that if that was your goal, to get married, then arguing was ineffective and harmful to your goal.
He was selfish when he did lure you to having sex with him after the breakup. That was hurtful and inconsiderate on his part, having encouraged you that way to hope for a getting back together while it reads to me that his mind was made up.
You kept repeating in previous threads that he was brainwashed by his parents, suggesting that they were responsible for the breakup. Children, into adulthood, are heavily influenced by their parents but one cannot hold adults not responsible for their choices because way too many adults are heavily influenced by their parents, and if not held responsible, then hardly anyone would be held responsible for their actions, legally and otherwise.
If you would like, let me know if any of this is helpful.
anitaAugust 3, 2018 at 3:05 am #220127
I just want this paid, disappointment, betrayal and these nasty hurtful feelings to disappear forever. It’s been so long and I still feel stuck.
I am mich better then before but it’s been a year and a half and I am still seeking answers and praying, even though I know my “why’s” don’t even matter. I just want to see the light.. at times I feel like I’m close but then the feelings kick in. I’m not even sure if I’m doing it do myself with the thoughts or I still have actual buried feelings. I miss my dog too and will never forget him. He was my baby.
I just sont don’t understand why this happened to me and why the person I trusted so much and beloved would never hurt me ended up causing me so much pain.
I had had to vent somewhere.
Thanks for understanding.August 3, 2018 at 4:22 am #220151
Please do vent here, anytime. This is your thread. I wish you weren’t hurting.
anitaAugust 21, 2018 at 4:07 pm #222443
Received a text from my ex fiancé over a year and 4 months have passed since I moved out and ignored his attempts of keeping communication with me. He stopped with the texts it’s been over a year and now this…
Hi … how are you? I received a statement of yours from …. I guess it’s for your retirement benefits. Let me know if you want me to send it to you. Hope your well !!! His name
How did he get the nerve to text me? This man is a spineless coward and you would think he would at least be aware that he nuked all of the bridges between him and me. He and his family disgust me.August 22, 2018 at 12:00 pm #222593
I wish he didn’t text you. Is there a way from you to block him, so you can’t get texts, emails, phone calls from him?
I understand your hurt and anger, and do hope you feel better soon!
How is your life otherwise?
anitaAugust 24, 2018 at 8:18 am #222809
First of all i’d like to say how strong you are! I am currently going through the same thing. Me and my partner of 3 perfect years together have split up with a very large influence from his family, in particular his mother.
I’m really really struggling to move on or even get out of bed each day. I lost everything in the process of our split. Although I despise him for everything he’s taken away from me and the sweet little lies he fed me for 3 years, there’s that hopeless romantic in me who cannot seem to forget the beautiful human that he has been to me for so many years! I can’t erase our memories. I can’t erase him out of my mind. I still love him dearly and miss him terribly. I’ve lost all belief in love or marriage or even lasting relationships.
Just wondering if it really does get better with time?October 1, 2018 at 7:46 pm #228531
I am sorry that you are going through that as I know how painful it is. I want to tell you that I understand you completely and that I wish I can give you great advice, but the only thing I can tell you is to keep moving forward. Cry it out, let it out but do not take steps back. Don’t reach out to him, because if he wanted to he could’ve made things right. He loves his mom more than you!
He is not a man, he is a spineless coward who allowed his mothers beliefs influence the relationship between you and him. One thing I can tell you is pray, hope, be active, do everything that you always wanted to do but did not get a chance and you will find joy in something.
I try to think positive and believe that the higher power has a much better pogo remain and that is why everything happened, you should try to think the same. Also realizing that the false beliefs we have about love and our expectations are what disssapoint is. If we don’t expect certain things then we won’t be disappointed.
You expected him to love you and stand up for your relationship, which cause you to feel disappointed and betrayed. Same goes for me.
Try to find happiness within yourself, I’ve been doing that and I’m understanding little by little that I have everything I need within myself. Having a partner to love/to love me is extra.
Keep your head up and try to accept it, no more hope. Hope also causes pain.
Hope you get though this, it will be a long journey but keep fighting.
Hope to hear from you soon!October 3, 2018 at 9:11 am #228759AnonymousInactive
Bubba and kkasxo,
I am sorry you guys had to go through this experience. I went through a similar experience where the guy i thought i would spend the rest of my life with could not stand up to his mom who would constantly berate me. We were together 2.5 years and though it may not be very long, we did what most couples do in a lifetime together. Shared so many memories and never fought (unless it was regarding his bullying mother). Truly felt we were each other’s soulmates. I, too, felt that my ex was brainwashed and manipulated by his mother. He was raised to blindly obey his parents, and ultimately we broke up. This was three years ago, and to this day there isn’t a day that has passed where i do not think of him. I truly felt he was the love of my life, and feel that he was “murdered” by his mother. Although we were not engaged, he had purchased a ring and was about to propose. I had envisioned a lifetime with him, and we were looking at houses to buy together just before we broke up. When we broke up, i was confused. Didn’t think i knew who he was anymore. He could no longer see me for me after how much his mother “brainwashed” him into hating me. I do not understand how or why this happened, and initially struggled to just get through the next hour. My faith has kept me strong though, and though i may not know why this happened, i do know that one day i will have all the answers. Life is crazy. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. One day you’re having the best day of your life, and the next you’re just struggling to get through the day. I’ve come to accept what I can’t control or understand, and do my best to stay positive because life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed. I’ve come to realize that there are too many greater things in the world that I don’t want any more of my time stolen or wasted on the past or what i cannot control. Yes, i still think of him everyday and miss him dearly, and sometimes very frustrated by how slow the healing process has been. I dont think we ever truly forget someone we genuinely loved. But i don’t want to lose myself either, and i know that there will be many more ups and downs to come and i’ve got to get myself back up because only i can pick myself back up and keep walking. Nobody else is going to walk my life for me. And as i mentioned, there’s more to life. More good is to come. As for his mother, I’ve forgiven her. There must have been something she was struggling with that she chose to bully, and chose to hate. The hardest part of the breakup was dealing with the after effects of her bullying, but i have come to learn that her words and actions were a reflection of herself. Not myself. Through time, i’ve regained my clarity and found myself again. I may have battlewounds, but i survived it, and came out stronger and more resilient to handle life’s next crazy rollercoaster ride, and you will too. I feel your pain, and know that it may feel like there’s no end in sight to the pain, but have faith and trust that things will get better with time. I know its so cliche, and anytime anyone told me it would get better with time i didn’t think they understood and i wanted to slap them, but it will get better. You will be ok.October 5, 2018 at 4:35 am #229149
Thank you ladies for taking the time to reply to me.
You both give me hope that I too one day can get to a point where I no longer picture my life with him, where simple things don’t remind me of him. Or even just to a point where I don’t cry and sulk every other moment of the day.
For now I guess I’ve just gotta accept that it is hard and it probably will be for the next few months!October 20, 2018 at 12:21 pm #232285
You guys he contacted me again…
This time he called once, I didin’t pick up. He called again I honestly thought the worst and that maybe something was wrong so I picked up. It’s been over 1.5 years and now he calls me. About 6 weeks ago he sent me a message if you see my post from earlier asking me about some mail. I never responded to the text and have been in no contact for 1.5 years.
I answered “hello” and he said ”heyyyy” and i said “who is this?” Even though I knew who it was. He said “ what you don’t recognize my voice anymore” so I said “ please don’t call this number ever again” & hung up.
& I ended up sending him a message immediately saying “FYI if you get any more mail of mine (since he inquired 6 weeks ago if I wanted him to send me my benefits mail) please forward it to ….(my work address) “ since he knows where I work.
He responded and said “ ok will do and I was just checking to see how you are and hope you’re well, take care”
He wants to creep back into my life wth!!! He is pretending like he didin’t leave me before the wedding. I dont understand what he wants & why all of a sudden is he checking up on me when he didin’t care for my well being during our break up. Like how does he have the audacity?
I feel like he definitely realizes he will never find another girl like me. I treated him well, what was mine was his, I cooked, I cleaned, I ran errands for the house all by myself, I also worked full time and was hitting the gym 5-6 times a week. I kept up with a lot and he couldn’t stand up for our love after his parents said they were not going to the wedding.
6 years of my life wasted on that fool.
I am so much stronger now and I honestly don’t think I love him anymore.October 21, 2018 at 4:31 am #232351
Its nice to hear from you again & im sorry that he’s contacted you after such a long time!
<p style=”text-align: left;”>You’re right, he has probably realised that he will never have what he had with you and had you given him the option to explore that by going into further conversation with you, you’d see that he wants to reconcile! It’s a shame it’s just too little too late!</p>
The fact that you are able to swiftly move past this is amazing and I hope I get there one day. And the fact that you think you may have officially fallen out of love with him is just amazing! You give me hope! You go girl!September 20, 2020 at 11:51 pm #366997LulushParticipant
Hey, i would love to hear an update from you. Much love and tace care hun.