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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #383304
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi guys, thought I would drop a post to say hi, I still keep tabs on how your all doing. First off congratulations Danny, glad the wedding went well and your now in that phase of bliss you’ve been waiting so long for lol. Sammy and Rhaenys I hope all is well with yous as well.

    Unfortunately I’ve managed to contract covid so I’m currently self isolating, luckily it’s not really affected me to make me feel really unwell, just a mild cough although I have lost my sense of taste and smell which I hope doesn’t last for too long lol.

    There’s also nothing to report romantically in my life at this time but I have managed to keep myself extremely busy by taking a second job working part time in a pub which him really enjoying, I helped out over the euros and now working a few hours over the weekend.

    I also went ahead and bought the dj set up I wanted a while back so a new hobby to put my time into.

    Everything was going nicely until I managed to get the virus! Too much time isolating gives you too much time to think about the past and not focus on the future!

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Jay.
    #383317
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so low at timesl. It is good to hear from you. Just make sure you tag me properly. Having said that I did if you scroll back up post a separate post prior to the one I sent Danny congratulating him on his marriage, but you didn’t reply. I assumed you had needed time to withdraw again. I’m always here to help if you need. It’s really no bother. If something is outside my remit I would say. This is a thread to discuss your thoughts anonymously anytime and should be able to explore any feeling without worrying. What’s been bothering you?

     


    @Jay2023
    so good to hear from you aswell. I’m not surprised you caught covid if you were working in the pubs during the Euros! Absolutely gutted about the final, my boyfriend was a state when he got home and he doesn’t even drink much I’m! I’m glad your symptoms are not serious but do rest and take it easy. I know some people who have got worse over time. I know exactly how you feel about self isolation at the very beginning I had to isolate too and I was in the very early stages of my heartbreak and sober journey. Running had been my escape but being confined just brought everything to the fore again. Sometimes it is good, it comes back because you haven’t worked through it properly. If there are unresolved feelings they will continue to surface until you fully confront them. So use the time to rediscover what your heart and mind and soul are trying to tell you. How long have you got in isolation? Well done on picking up your DJ decks, great to learn new set of skills! How are you feeling about your romantic life?

     


    @Dannydan

     

    New boyfriend is great, he’s mature, attentive, can communicate effectively.  I did detach a little after he didn’t want to move in. I don’t want to get my heart broken again so decided to not rush it. Let things develop slower. When we went away on our stay cay it was really romantic and we got closer organically. There are things that concern me like his shift patterns and if I can live a life with him being on call but for now I’m loved and it’s working.

    You’re right Danny, relationships work if there’s security and that comes through trust. So well done on not being possessive or controlling.

    I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get to the same space ‘B’ has with her ex with my ex, I’d like to because he was a big part of my life and even though he messed up, he tried his best at that time and I continue to want the best for him. I have worked through my emotions fully and got past it so there will never be a reunion too much water under that bridge. Right now we’re only in contact if it’s at a mutual gathering or texting goodwill greetings on occasions. Otherwise our contact is limited.

    I haven’t really dwelled on my ex until you mentioned who you invited. It got me thinking the exact same that my ex may be waiting for an opportunity. He actually said to me I was always in his corner and it hurts him that he hurt me the most, by the time he realised it though I didn’t know how to love him anymore. I have love for him but no longer in love with him. Ill write more later but running late for a hen party.

     

     

    #383421
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1, your ex sounds very conflicted, a man full of regret.

    If he is not an entirely selfish man then I can say having been in his shoes not too long ago, it is a torturous place to be, knowing deep down your choices led you to taking the wrong turns.

    The key difference between your situation and mine was timing.

    ‘B’ was single at the time I reapproached her.  I had a woman with a strong sense of self who happened to walk away at the right time.

    I mistreated her for sure but there was space left for me to start afresh. Thank God I did and was wise enough to see sense to recognise the value in the woman who stood by me at my lowest point.

    It’s up to him now to choose to learn the lessons and accept that in your case it is far too late for you two because of how toxic it became, he had years to step up but he didn’t. To wipe 1 years history together clean is difficult let alone 4 or 5!

    The very least he can do is let you flourish and he become a better man for his next relationship.

    You’ve done the right thing getting off that merry-go-round, don’t ever doubt that.

    Grief is gritty and gnarly as fuck. The fact you wish your ex the very best shows your humility, that you loved him unconditionally and you’ve evolved something fierce within you to let go of someone you never intended to but had to in order to honour what’s best for you.

    You mastered SELF LOVE. Be very proud of what a strong and caring woman you are!

    Your ex has a lot of inner work to do, and will fall into same patterns because honestly it’s very hard to fully change. He needs to confront and work through his feelings. I had to do that for myself otherwise change never comes.

    It is his loss for sure! You may well be the one good woman that got away. The ‘what ifs’ in life are something he will have to learn to cope with, this is his responsibility not yours.

    Want real talk, keep your contact limited for now if you want to stay drama free.

    If you two had a really strong connection the chemistry doesn’t always change even with distance or if you are in new relationships.

    Him being a man if he has any unresolved feelings will use any type of interaction as hope, draw you in again and just like that you can end up having sex if the opportune moment arises.

    This is not an excuse but most men don’t have self control like women do.

    He was obviously a significant part of your life so much of your pinnacle moments are kind of co owned by this person, so I get it you do not want to discard him,  that takes great maturity. However you need your new partner on board, someone who is not jealous and understands. In order to make a friendship work eventually.

    Right now I can tell even if you were not dating you have moved on from this phase but he hasn’t so it’s crucial to only pursue friendships when you voth want the best for each other, admit you can never reunite and the romantic spark has completely faded for both parties. I think that’s the case for ‘B’ and her ex hence they are the exception to the rule.

    Remember to continue to love unconditionally, a love that doesn’t make your partner indebted to you. But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you’ve loved very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.

    Unconditional love also has boundaries. ‘B’ taught me that, she loved me for who I was but still chose to walk away when I didn’t give her what she deserved too.

    Codependent love is when you love and don’t take care of your own needs and leave when it’s necessary to.

    Don’t become overly protective of your heart,  the new man in your life sounds great from what you told us. Are you being fully vulnerable though? If not, what’s holding you back?

    Is he understanding of your emotional and physical needs? I ask you this because you sound hesitant, are you feeling fulfilled? How do you really feel?


    @Jay2023
    bro what a double whammy losing the finals and then catching the corona! How are you feeling now mate? Thanks for the congrats, it sure is bliss, definitely worth the wait! Ahaha. You know what I find incredible with her she’s so open and understanding. Given our cultural differences and she made me wait. She’s adopted a healthy, sex-positive attitude for ourselves which is making things beyond what I imagined. I love this woman! I keep having to pinch myself.

    Having a lot of time is not great if you are prone to dwelling but the past only creeps up because it’s not been dealt with properly. Sammy is right maybe work through your feelings rather than bury them again only to resurface further down the line ?

    #383460
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan the ex was selfish but he isn’t an unhinged or narcissist person, at that time he was just very immature and I’ve come to accept and understood it’s all he knew.

    Women are 5 years ahead in maturity I’d say. No wonder we prefer to go for older men!

    I’m 110% certain even if I was single I don’t want to go back to a romantic relationship with him. I deserve better than I received. We just don’t fit together. The time together drained me and I lost who I was with him. So you’re right I had to rediscover me and learn to love myself again which is why now I value myself more than ever.

    I do miss him, he has a piece of me forever because of the way I love, you are right he was a person who I shared a big part of myself with and meeting him contributed to who I am as a person today.

    It’s strange to admit but I don’t love him anymore or consider him as the “one who got away” if I did, I know talking to him, considering being friends would never be an option. It would hurt me and I wouldn’t want to do that to myself. I have neither romantic feelings or hope anymore but I care for him.

    Women confront things quicker and that’s why we tend to move on from our romantic feelings and realise there’s no going back. It’s done.

    Men don’t do this type of introspection often, they can suppress for years until they have something that triggers regret which is why after reading about ‘B’ ex ,it’s got me thinking.

    My biggest worry now is that he’s going to still hold hope if I keep any form of contact because your male perspective is completely accurate and what I believe too. I don’t want drama, I did want us to reach a place where we are both happy for each other and can be part of each others lives. I know not from assumptions but hearing it directly from mutual friends he’s conflicted whilst being in a relationship himself.

    What do I do? Cut any remaining contact and hurt him for the short term so he tries to heal then try again to be friends, will this make him bitter?

    But if I am the “one that got away” a big regret for him, I know we will never be able to be in each others lives and be friends.

    It’s that realisation that has made me so sad and either way I’m hurting him. I don’t like to hurt people. Rock and hard place!

    My current partner him not wanting to move in did throw me considering he said he wanted a relationship with the end goal being a family. When that happened, my old wounds surfaced but he has amazing awareness and saw that.  He reassured me and still stuck to his guns and I love that about him. He spontaneously planned the stay cay and it was so romantic, he’s definitely a giver in every way possible and I never knew how incredible it can be when you get two givers together 🤯

    So both physically and emotionally makes me feel very very fulfilled otherwise trust me when I say after that heartbreak, I’m at that point in my life I’m not going to settle for mediocre. I want the thrills, passion, excitement and someone caring and giving. I always thought you can have one and need to compromise on the other but I’ve been proven wrong.

    I’m just scared to say it out aloud because I don’t want to jinx it. I know this sounds stupid, I tell myself little annoying things like oh he works on call etc. just to stay grounded and not let myself get carried away but I’m very very excited and so is his sister who is my bestie so having insider info helps lol.

    Sometimes I think why didn’t I notice him sooner, he was there right in front of me but we both had to experience our own heartbreaks, take other roads to find what our needs were and who we were before we could come together and be the best for one another.

    Thanks for the sage advice and that very clear explanation of unconditional love vs. codependent love. I can’t believe you’re the same Danny that came to this thread all those months ago. Just incredible. You have really worked hard and become an incredible person. Really warms my heart!

    If I panic or become stuck i’ll tag you so don’t worry about replying if you’re occupied. Enjoy your bliss , you deserve it! Been a pleasure Danny!


    @Rhaenys
    and @Jay2023 I’m here if you still want to talk and need. Just tag me X

    #383476
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello


    @Dannydan
    , I wanted to say goodbye to you, since you won’t be online muc more. I will read your posts to me again, I really loved your last one about not settling.. I hope I will experience that love and that connection that you write sometime, as you did.

    I do hope you will pop up here sometimes just to say a short hello, it would be lovely to hear from you.


    @Sammy
    , I read last page, and I found your last reply. I think I read it and wanted to reply, and then Danny came with news and then I wanted to focus on his news, instead of replying to yours, about me, I wanted to let him shine. 🙂 And then no one posted so I was waiting for someone to come here again.

    I think I would love to continue replying here, as I don’t felt I’m in the perfect place yet. I think it’s slowly getting better, but not where I want it to be yet.

    There are some news, I’ve been dating, actually I’ve been called on dates. I haven’t used online apps, those are just a few people I meet in real. One was terrible, we met on a work thing, and then talked shortly during lunch break on work. Then he wanted to see me again, and then things started going strange… He wrote some sex implying stuff, and called me after we just met for 30 minutes to his place, things like that. He was always mentioning how he can’t wait to see me while not asking anything about me. So I broke that really quick, happy I did. It really sounded like he just wanted sex. I admit that I wanted to give him a chance, but wasn’t really that much into him, and it didn’t hurt in that way, but I was kind of feeling “why this has to happen to me”. But I guess it happens to a lot of people so.. It was a bit stressful because he is a college, but works in different building in different part of town, so at least I don’t have to see him again.

    That was experience I didn’t like, other was better, but didn’t feel a connection. However a few guys showed interest so I guess that is a good thing. There is someone else I find interesting a bit, and it may be mutual, which, sincerely, scares me in a way, but also makes me excited and I like talking to him. But I think I should let it to evolve slowly and naturally, whether to friendship or something else.

    So I think I feel a bit better now, with some events happening , sunny days and I live on the coast so summer is a good season here. There are days when I fell really happy I ( think more and more of them), and sometimes I fell depressed. But I think my problem is mostly – fear.
    I guess it’s funny that few guys showed interest, and here am I, scared of ending alone. I also realized with the situation with the guy that does interest me, that now it’s seems I am scared of being alone, but also scared of entering a new relationship. I’m not really surprised of that fear, I expected it.  I also had some problems at work, so I felt fear in that part of my life too. But I really don’t want to live in fear anymore.

    So I like to read about your experience with your new BF, about how it should feel. I’m glad he reassured you after the moving together talk. And I understand you try to not get carried away, and ground yourself, I recognize in myself I’m much more careful now too.

    About your ex, I don’t think you should be friends with him, as I’m not sure if he is ready for that.


    @Jay2023
    , I’m glad to hear news from you, and sad you caught COVID. I hope you will get better son.

    I do know, from my experience too, that keeping yourself busy helps, but I guess if we don’t deal with our emotions and problems, they arise the first opportunity they can. I was keeping myself really busy after one of my breakups before the last one, and that happened to me. I think COVID made me spent a lot of time home, what I hated at first, but not I think  that wasn’t necessary a bad thing. So I agree with Sammy and Danny.

     

    #383502
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 mate I’m not going anywhere without knowing you are fully at ease. If I can help then please let me and don’t be shy to ask. You were there for me at a critical point in my life and I want to return your generosity.

    It isn’t because I feel compelled to, it’s the personal work I’ve done on myself that means I appreciate and value you, your time, kindness and guidance to make my journey a success.

    I’m not going to ignore your predicament just because I’m married or busy. I would be disappointed in myself if I did, ‘B’ would also admonish me if she came to know.

    So first things first, I’m so glad that as a giver you are experiencing the return you deserve. I read this fascinating article when I was trying to understand how to be better for ‘B’ who is a giver through and through.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/feeling-it/201311/the-best-kept-secret-highly-successful-relationship

    Have a read and you’ll learn never to stop being a giver! Intrinsic givers are very rare to come across these days, but also the best humans in the world. I was never a natural but learned to become a giver because of ‘B’ and feel much more content and fulfilled in life overall.  I concur two givers equates to fireworks in bed! 🤪

    I think you’re headed in the right direction with your partner so don’t let him not wanting to rush it cause you to doubt yourself. Your ultimate dream is going to come true you and your bestie are going to become sisters. Ahaha! Therapist always says we have to manifest what we want through positive thoughts.

    Your partner sounds like top lad, intelligent, romantic,very supportive and secure. What you feel is what I felt with  ‘B’ why didn’t I see you sooner?

    Sometimes it takes time for the heart and mind to become aligned. The heart usually already feels it but the brain throws up defenses, making you sabotage or nitpick at times which can stop things from developing.

    When you ignore the brain you can end up missing red flags but when you ignore the heart that’s when you usually end up with painful regrets like I did with ‘B’. So my advise is try to strike a balance but follow your heart and that warm feeling you get around a special person.

    I agree with @Rhaenys your ex is no where near ready to be friends. You can be the bestest of friends and show the love or care you still have for your ex by allowing him the space to focus on his current relationship. Don’t engage unless absolutely necessary.

    Your ex is in a very difficult situation, I’ve been in his shoes which is why I have sympathy for him.

    If he’s in a new relationship and feeling conflicted that’s not a good feeling at all. I spent a lot of time behind closed doors with tears in my eyes and stressed because I didn’t understand what I felt for ‘B’, it was isolating and scary. You know what I had to do, your ex needs to soul search too.

    It’s not your fault. It’s his responsibility and ideally he shouldn’t be in a new relationship if he has regrets and is thinking of you. That’s how other people can get hurt by our actions.

    But withdrawing yourself from the equation might allow his current relationship to work. It will be down to him to figure out his own feelings, it’s up to him to decide to live an honest life for himself and be true to his feelings. Let him come to you with friendship if he ever resolves that yearning for you. It might not go away for him and that’s okay too because he loved you but he has to find a way to move forward with that love.

    Don’t blame yourself, I know all you want is for him to be in the same position as you and accept the best for each other but when a guy still wants you, any form of contact will feed into his desire and hope of rekindling what you shared and if you know you will never give it another chance then even with the best of intentions friendship may never be possible.


    @Rhaenys
    Sammy and I wrote a lot about fear in our previous posts, re read them for guidance. Fear is what held me back with ‘B’ and I would have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me if I didn’t overdone it. So make it your mission to shrink it if you want a relationship. I will try to post updates when I can. Good luck and thank you for your wishes.


    @Jay2023
    Have you been recovering well from Covid? Post an update when you are able. Get well soon bro.

    #383505
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan what a wise old owl you’ve become. I loved that link you sent about givers.

    Thank you for giving me a boost when I needed and for your kind words and demonstrating how much you value me. I’m very touched Danny.

    I have found myself a good one, haven’t I?! I love that you paid attention to my excitement of becoming sisters with my bestie! Totally going to be the best thing ever! Ground yourself Sammy lol Thank you for the encouragement!

    You’re completely right. Friendship is for people who are mutually invested in each other’s happiness or welfare, and have no stock in being close to each other than for the sake of genuinely, platonically love and care for one another.

    Although he is in a new relationship he still wants to keep some contact , but like you say if he harbors romantic feelings which he does from what I’ve been told the kindest thing to do if I care is to let him heal without contact from me which may help his relationship work. Maybe one day we can be friends rather than back to strangers. Life is just so complicated!


    @Rhaenys
    I have zoom meeting in 6 minutes but will give your post the time and response it deserves later this evening.


    @Jay2023
    I’m hoping too you kick ass with Covid.  Please please please do let us know you’re well when you can. When @Kkasxo didn’t my mind went to dark places.

    #383507
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.

    youtu.be/RZFH03DGv2s
    The EYE – Old Friend ( type that link in the other post went into moderation)

    I know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383508
    Jay
    Participant

    Morning guys, hope your all well. I’ve been lucky with covid and hasn’t really affected me at all, couple of days I felt a bit rubbish but where I’ve been resting indoors it’s been very manageable, would like my taste and smell to come back soon though lol, just been drinking a lot of water and not too fussed about choice of food. A couple more days of isolation and I can get back to my routine yay!

    I hear what you have all said in regards to dealing with my feelings and in a ideal world I would love to say I’ve closed the door on the them and I’m well down the road with them now but being cooped up indoors it’s hard not to reminisce, I’ve been speaking and meeting lots of new people including females that I’ve been initially attracted to but yet to find anyone I’m drawn to in the way I was my ex. This is essentially why I’ve changed my attitude and outlook on how I go about my life, I love the fact that I’ve become very active and want to better myself anyway I can now on a daily basis, I wouldn’t say I’m burying my feelings and I know it must have been very strong from my end because I wouldn’t still think about it now, having said I know I’m doing right and things are going to fall into place by the end of the year, if I had an option now I wouldn’t change anything I’m so focused on getting where I want to be I’m not desperately seeking a relationship anymore, if it happens then so be it but I don’t need it anymore as I’m happy and content with my own busy schedule and the hunger to learn more. The side job in a pub wasn’t about money, I earn more than enough from my main job but it was a good feeling that I learnt and adapted new skills in a short space of time and was also an opportunity to be able to extend my social network which is why I really enjoyed it and it didn’t really feel like working.

    Rhaenys I’m so glad to hear things have picked up for you socially! Its good to hear your getting out there and enjoying yourself, I’m sure you will get what you seek now we are at the back end of the pandemic.

    Sammy I’m sorry to hear your having conflicting thoughts about being friends with your ex, from my own personal point of view I don’t think it will be possible for me for a very long time, until maybe a situation plays out where I can say yes I’m glad that happened because things worked out for me for the better, until then it’s just best we have no involvement in each others lives and follow the paths we’re on.

    Danny totally understand you might not be as active as you will be a lot busier from now, enjoy the married life bro you sound like your on cloud 9! Hope you can post now and again, I’m not as active but I would still like to share with you all when something does develop for me at some point hopefully lol as you was all there in the worst and hardest part for myself

    #383506
    Danny
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@Sammy1 you’re very welcome. Listen to this and it will help you understand the effect you have on him. It is how I felt with remembering ‘B’ You will never fade in his heart if he has regrets and feelings for not doing more for you and any contact ‘one look he’s all in’  So no contact is best right now if you know you can’t be together. Only time will be able to tell if you can be friends.


    The EYE – Old Friend</p>
     

    know you care about him and that is not something you can just turn off overnight, no matter how much he hurt you. You want to be there for him because of your huge heart. Just like you care for @Jay2023 and @Kkasxo. Dont let that care become too much burden for you. Be giving with awareness like that article states!

    #383541
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan you post posted twice but that song is 🔥🔥🔥! I understand things better from the perspective you gave thank you. But Gosh you men really are takers at times lol.


    @Jay2023
    just proved that by saying he too would want a certain situation to pan out in his favour before ever considering friendship lol. Men and their egos!

    I don’t want to torture my ex further after the consensus on here, he’s doing a number on himself already I want him to be happy and accept for me and him it’s over. I want him to find someone who loves him just as much as I did or more. If that means I have to swallow the bitter pill that after all is said and done, we can no longer stay a part of each others lives by being friends then so be it. For me it’s never been a competition to beat each other into a better or “upgrade”. I just want him to thrive and the same for myself.

    After listening to that song tune, I removed him from any social media. Any mutual events , I will stay away. Do I message on birthdays guys? Our contact was already limited but do I cut that out too.

    I feel sad we can’t become friends and instead I will most likely need to withdraw further, It will hurt him but it’s for the greater good, isn’t it?


    @Jay2023
    Thanks for replying and I’m super glad your symptoms are not serious and you’ll be out if isolation imminently. I hope your taste and smell return very soon. I imagine it must be weird to eat and off putting. Hope you don’t lose weight as a result.

    You mentioned you haven’t been drawn to anyone like your ex….what qualities made you drawn to her ?

    Also yes it’s clear there were very strong feelings present for you to be feeling nostalgia.

    Try not to just recall the rose tinted memories. Remember things like her attitude she didn’t value sacredness of sex, she didn’t support you emotionally, she wasn’t very kind etc.

    You can’t help who you fall for so I would never question a persons love. But I will say there’s no need for you to have any regrets. You were an angel and treated her very well from what you told us. Unlike my ex or Danny to ‘B’ initially hence them having torturous regrets.

    I am all for you starting to love yourself and do things which make you feel fulfilled on your own first before getting into a relationship. Because when you use a relationship as your source of happiness it never pans out.

    What are your plans for the end of the year? Is it Thailand?


    @Rhaenys
    you can tag me and I will do my utmost to help.

    It’s great to hear that you are slowly shifting your focus and have been brave enough to put yourself out there and start dating again. It’s important to not have any expectations and also remember it is partly a number game so there will be some rotten apples amongst the mix.

    I think @Jay2023 and @Dannydan will not argue when I say sex is always on a man’s mind. By being wise and not willing to open your legs right away can help filter out the fuckboys from a genuine one.

    A genuine man will be patient and follow your lead.

    Don’t be a total prude, it’s important for a man to guage chemisty so there will be a need for some flirty exchange not necessarily explicit.

    In reference to fear. Danny and I have both experienced it. It is a natural defense mechanism when you’ve been heartbroken but love can only occur if you take a risk and be vulnerable. We spoke extensively on fear so re read the previous posts it will help you feel not alone. You have to be courageous,  if Danny didn’t be brave and try to woo ‘B’ again against all odds he would have lost out on the love of his life. By taking the plunge and believing in himself he can live without regrets.

    If I didn’t fight fear of being alone I would have continued my codependency with my ex. Instead I fought and look where I am now in a relationship with someone who really understands my needs and is making me believe in love all over again.

    I’m glad things have started to open up and will allow you to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

    Take pride in your progress , these little steps are going to lead you to an amazing new adventure. It’s never too late to better yourself and attain what you deserve

    #383543
    Jay
    Participant

    Hey Sammy I totally agree with you on a lot you said there, my biggest lesson was learning not to depend on someone for your own happiness, that was how it was for me, before we started seeing each other I was so miserable and hated myself she was like a breath of fresh air and that’s what caused my attachment, the heartache has sparked a fire in me now, I’m so determined to do the things I want to do, I no longer fear the unknown and have such a more positive attitude towards everything, its not just me knowing this it’s also a lot of people in my life have commented on how much I’ve changed for the better and happier I look now so the silver lining of going through that heartbreak is going to be turning a point for me which makes me feel relieved when I compare my life to how it was 2 years ago. I can’t explain why I haven’t met someone yet who made me feel the way she did but I’m not panicking either, what will be will be and of course I recognise all of those bad qualities about her now and know there is better out there.

    The holiday destination has changed now lol I’m really leaning towards Bali, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go so in the new year that’s the plan. I’ve got this new dj project to pour my free time into now as well, the pub I’ve been working in have said I can play in there when I’m ready on weekend nights so good opportunities are arising!

    #383572
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 please tag me with @Sammy1 so I don’t miss any future posts. I very rarely check on here unless I get a notification.

    Any advice for me? Do I ghost my ex on birthdays/occasions too for or keep the limited contact but don’t go to mutual gatherings?

    Even though you had to experience the depths of heartache,  you can proudly say this experience with her has made you a better person overall and it’s been character building.

    I know you got attached to her and it seems you will always have love there.

    You have come a long way and I’m very happy you did the introspective work and can source your own happiness too.

    If your exes character was like ‘B’ then after witnessing Danny’s journey, my stance has changed and I would now encourage you to try again with bravery and fight because she might be the loyl.

    But based on what you told us I think you deserve better. Someone who emotionally understands you,  someone supportive,  someone who spoils you too,  someone who is passionate about sex but finds it sacred like you and sees it as part of a commitment not means to an end.

    I know you’ve been reminiscing a lot at least you will not have to endure any torturous regrets down the road like my ex or feel you screwed up the chance of happiness because you were always an amazing giving boyfriend to her even through your own miserable and unhappy internal conflict at that time.

    I’m glad you are really pushing yourself and I think the djing is a great development because music itself is so healing. You’ll also meet new people more readily in that social setting.
    If you’re not looking to destination hop then out of the two options Bali should be your first choice,  my bf been and his pictures are incredible but Thailand is not far from there and if you’re paying to travel so far you might as well tick off as many as you can. Have a full tour. In the new year post Xmas is a good shout. Jan is always a miserable month lol.

    Are you planning on going solo? Or f&f?
    It’s really lovely to read your progress Jay so try keep in touch!

    #383574
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi Sammy, thank you, I know I have no regrets I done all I could being as genuine as I could and it wasn’t enough so its her loss, pretty sure as time goes on she will have moments where she will think back and wonder what her life could of been like for someone who thought of her the way I did but it’s her loss I know I deserved a lot better so onwards and upwards!

    In my own personal opinion I would think full on no contact is the best option, maybe not just ghost but explain your reasons and then just leave it for now, I think for me it will take years before I can get to that stage because I know how sensitive how I am and it’s just easier to concentrate on your own life, he’ll find his own way and if he does find someone else he can move forward and all parties will be content.

    I’m not sure what the plan will be with my adventure abroad, I want to achieve my own set goals first and then the holiday will be the reward for that so I’ll assess whether going solo or with someone is right at the time. No problem Sammy I will keep you all updated with any milestones or interesting events lol and stay in touch. Ps sorry about the tagging for some reason on my phone it doesn’t let me do it so I’ve struggle to do that!

    #383932
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 it’s been very hectic, flooding in London and then moving out of my place. Back to work. I’m feeling exhausted!

    if your ex is in a relationship and still yearning for you, I agree with @Jay2023 and say no contact for now even on birthdays is better because everytime you make contact with him it will give him false hope if he hasn’t accepted it’s all done and dusted.

    Love can be messy but it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. He is going through what we all experience at least once as you know it’s very painful. So you are being cruel to be kind by letting him heal without false hope delaying that.

    Yes it does come down to our stubborn egos! and if he’s the type of man to grow from his mistakes and evolve, he will actually value you and want the very best for you too and will reach out to you in a platonic manner accepting friendship one day. If he doesn’t you haven’t lost anything,  you were always very giving to him and you need to like you said thrive too.

    How are you finding dealing with it?

     


    @Jay2023
    mate how are you? Out of the woods? I hope you have recovered from Covid and it’s not left any lasting effects. Seems you are pushing through and I’m very pleased for you bro. You’re picking up new hobbies and hopefully ticking off those personal goals. You’re moving forward keep that up. Onwards and upwards as you stated!

    I agree with Sammy you have nothing at all to be sad about, she may have been a breath of fresh air but also remember you treated your ex very well but she didn’t in return so you should continue to have no regrets. She was a fool and it’s her loss for sure. That should be a fantastic feeling in a way because you already you’ve basically filtered out someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are and recognise your value naturally.

    There’s no point making someone feel obliged to see the best in you just because you have a commitment or relationship. The best feeling is someone who does that automatically and naturally regardless of what you are to them.

     

     

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