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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #381962
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Sammy1

    Yes, sometimes I do feel like the world beat me down. I remember all those dreams and thoughts when I was a child and I feel that somehow my life hans’t evolved like it was supposed to. You read me pretty good.

    Thank you a lot for encouragment, I felt I need this. I don’t think I’m a person who can settle, I just can do that, so no worries about that.

    Sometimes it feels like not many things are good. Ok, work is okay, but it’s not my passion at all, not even close. My friends irritate me a lot recently, I feel like they are really selfish or don’t understand me at all. And yes I do have a lot of free time, band I watch those tv shows, read books, I go to swins, walks, runs… But I’m tired doing most things alone or with friends who don’t understand me.. Maybe it used to be fun but I always wanted to do many of those things with parter, and it never worked out and now I dread it all. And it’s that, work and home. It’s all routine, routine I don’t like and I want more. I want passion, and I don’t have that for anything now and I can’t seem to find it. I don’t think I really enjoy anything this days, and the whole last year. How did you manage to find passion after break up, @Sammy1?

    And last week I was afraid my cat was sick and that crushed me. I just cried. I felt like if I’m lose him now too I can’t bear it. I totally broke. Luckily I went to wet and he just seemed to need food change, and I think he is ok now. But just the thought of losing him now broke me completley.

    Depressing post, seems that’s how I feel these days.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Rhaenys.
    #382055
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys just realised your username has GOT reference lol.

    Sorry to hear about your cat, pets are so loyal and give unconditional love it must be tough when you feel you’re about to lose them. I hope your cat is feeling well. @Tim1 lost his dog and it was awful seeing him so heartbroken.

    I don’t mean to label you but have you seen your doctor ? A lot of what you wrote sounds like you may be depressed.

    That’s something I didn’t have to contend with. So I can imagine heartbreak alongside depression makes it much harder to cope or find hope. I just kept telling myself the universe may have given me a tough hand but I still have the opportunity with each new day to make it what I want. It doesn’t have to be a major change but bit by bit I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. So you need to do things you wouldn’t normally, this will push you and help you discover your passion again. Slowly but surely I recovered. A lot has to do with the way you think, who you have as support can make a substantial impact and there just comes a point where you grow tired of feeling sad, at least that’s what happened for me.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sometimes we make the wrong choices and that determines our fate but if you grow, learn and trust in yourself you can create something better.</p>
    I would never have thought I’d be here. My ex was my life and love for close to 5 years, I thought life was not worth living without him. I had so many of my firsts with him that I didn’t know how to start again. Now the very same man can enter a room, and I can’t believe I thought I couldn’t live without him. Lol. I care about him, he has a piece of me but when you realise your own true worth you don’t want less than you deserve no matter how much you yearn for that person, your love for yourself wins. I think a lot of it is to do with closure. I didn’t have it as he would create walls and was shit poor at communication. That final meeting which I initiated and hashed out everything was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was the only way I could get closure because I wasn’t strong enough to give it to myself. Maybe you still haven’t got closure? By doing this he also learned so much.

    I think it’s also helped being in a new relationship which is definitely right for me. When you meet someone who is right for you, you’ll feel the emotional warmth in your heart just talking to them. You’ll be drawn like magnets. You will realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind. You feel at home because you can be who you are without fear. That’s real love. So don’t settle or you’ll find even with someone by your side you are still lonely.

    I hope you feel better, don’t be afraid to see your doctor. @Jay2023 @Tim1 @Shelbyville all needed a bit of a boost in the happy hormones to help them over so it may be beneficial to you x

     

     

     

    #382065
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Sammy1 thank you for your reply.

    It seems my cat is ok now. I really appreciate your understanding. It was more a false alarm I guess, but just the thought of losing him now crushed me. Of course I realize he’s not going to live forever and I did lose pets already, sadly. But he meant a lot for me last monts, and sincerely, I think it would broke me if I lose him too during this hard times for me. I really don’t know how would I handle another loss now.

    I don’t think I have clinic or really bad depression.. But I guess I may have a mild one. I’m usually not a very positive person. For example, when I have a break up, I don’t think I will find someone better for me, but I tend to think I will never find someone I will like that much. I payed a psychotherapist last fall, and I spent a lot money on few sessions and wasn’t satisfied, and recently I had to buy a car so I can’t afford that again now.

    Actually the way you describe your experience reminds me how I felt with my last boyfriend. I had a boyfriend before that, who was not treating me very well at the end. He was my first, and all my “firsts” were with him. And then, after also a few interests that didn’t work out (guys would fall for me, then retreat), I met my last boyfriend. And this did happen: “you realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind.” I met him and I forgot all my past, my exes in one night. I fall hard for him. I liked him much more than anyone else, and I was so happy and couldn’t believe how happy I am.

    And yes, he was just my type in terms of looks. Not because he looks like a model, he doesn’t, but I thought he was made the way that is percfect for me and he was so funny and kind and I was so relaxed talking with him, and he made me laugh a lot. Some people tell me now it was just looks, but I know it wasn’t. He just seemed right. And he was really treating me so good and was thoughtful and kind and gentle at first (first year and a half), and I couldn’t believe that after last years with my first boyfriend.

    I think I had closure, because I know he is young and not ready for the things I want. Also, I don’t think his reaction when he realized those difference after our talk was the best, instead of being honest and telling me that, he used the last months to get appart from me emotionally and then he broke up, and that was not fair to me. But I know what happened, I had closure. I just haven’t managed to found anyone else that I felt the same spark for later and that’s why I’m afaid I’ll have to settle. And I miss that a lot. A few guys that had potential didn’t show interest, and the ones that did, I did not see in that way. (This happens to everyone I guess).

    And I want that feeling again. Feeling that I’m with someone who I think is the most wonderful and beautiful in the world (I get that feeling when I fall in love) and whom I would like to show to all of my friends an family because I think he is amazing. And I need for it to bi mutual , of course.

    I get that those things take time, but I wanted partner like that since my early 20s at least. I cared for that more than work, money or anything else (and funny, I never had that much problems with anything else). I always prefered being partnered, and I don’t find much advantages in being single. I’m not a person who liked that, ever. And I did expect to have that at least in my mid thirties. Not because of others, I know I have my timeline, but that is my wish, my own, always was., I wanted to live with my boyfriend at least 10 years ago.

    And now I’m in middle thirties, I even want kids now, but I’m living with my mom and brother and even don’t have my room. I don’t like my life now. And I can’t change that alone, because things that I want to change depend on having a partner. Yes, I could pay a lot money or renting appartment and living alone but that’s not what I want and  don’t like living alone. I would really like to settle with someone, build a life, have a family… And I don’t want to travel with friends anymore, go out, drink and stuff… I’ve never liked that too much and I had enough. I have a deep wish to settle, and find my person. I also won’t have kids alone. I’m complicated, I know.

    I guess I feel a lot like @Shelbyville was describing. Scared of ending up as a lonely spinster.

    These days it’t been a bit better, since it’s summer here,  places are opening, so it’s less depressing than it used to be during winter, at least it feels like there are some chances. I did have a nice weekend, went swiming, hang out with a lot of friends, so it was really nice and I am a bit better today.

    How are you? How are things with your boyfriend, did oyu have a nice weekend?

    I would love to chat and have girly talk with you.

    I’d also love to hear news from @Dannydan and @Jay2023.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Rhaenys.
    #382067
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys

    I think it’s natural at that age to want to have security. Like I said before you’re at a crossroad in life and it can be so daunting. With acceptance though, you can be happy. You just need to choose which way to go. Pursue the guy who will really get you and give you long term happiness or settle for the safe bet, have a marriage and kids and be with someone.

    I can’t imagine being married to someone and thinking about my exes or what ifs with someone else. It would be unfair to myself and to my partner, I would rather be fully fulfilled and have a person who meets all my needs in a relationship or completely by myself. Whereas you said you need to be with someone so I feel that type of person is prone to settle,that usually stems from insecurities within yourself and loneliness.

    For positivity even though it’s such a shame @Shelbyville didn’t return to update the thread, when she left she definitely wasn’t heading towards a lonely spinster route. She was in a new relationship,  whether that was the right fit for her, who knows?

    Don’t let your mind convince you that you’re somehow losing in life. You have the power to change it and find your happy place. That happy place isn’t always a relationship.

    Challenge yourself. Move out and still maintain a close relationship with your family. Push outside your safety net. You may find a new lease of life.

     


    @Jay2023
    how are you doing? Did you enjoy your holiday from work? @Dannydan I’m eagerly awaiting your wedding news. Hope it has or is going well!

     

    #382178
    Danny
    Participant

    I have officially made an honest woman of ‘B’. I can’t believe it @Sammy1 @Jay2023 @Rhaenys I did it!

    Wow! I promised a full update before the honeymoon, here it is, this is one of my longer posts with details especially for you @Sammy1!

    Who knew a little bit of paper held so much significance, when done with the right person.

    I can really say I’m lucky AF to have won back ‘B’; to find my best friend and wifey in one is incredible.

    My brother who was always going to be my best man gave a hilarious speech at my expense, but the pinnacle point was he said I don’t have to ask Danny did you make the right decision, he became a better man because of ‘B’ and he’s not looked back once since and I’m proud of you. This meant the world to me hearing that from someone I respect and admire so much after his own battle.

    He’s right no other woman will ever or has ever understood me like B, her spirit and soul encompasses everything I have ever wanted and need. The best thing I ever did was drop my ego and have courage.

    Feeling of being fully accepted by a woman who is a smart cookie and could have any man she wants is next to none, all my fantasies and dreams of what I wanted out of a relationship and thought was not possible have actually come to fruition with her by my side. I have really found my soulmate!

    When I last posted, I was having the letter fiasco, to my relief ‘B’ chose not to read it. She still hasn’t but will cross that bridge when it comes! She said if I had wanted her to read it after, then she would respect that. I definitely do panic for no reason sometimes!

    Don’t worry Sammy, I haven’t dismissed what you wrote. Now more than ever I realise if you’re not happy deep down it definitely will seep out. Our own happiness is the only way to achieve overall success. I don’t need the approval, I have B. That’s all I need. No more placating to be accepted.

    The wedding day finally arrived and I expected to be nervous but it was more of a rush,  for the first time in my life I fully felt I was doing something right, the moment finally arrived, my wifey walked down the aisle and looked breathtakingly beautiful. She’s always has had a stunning figure but the way she looked in that dress, I’ll never forget! I felt this lump in my throat and I cried! She looked ethereal, I felt a mixture of intense desire to incredible pride. Our vows I will keep private but there were full of all the feels. We had in the end chosen to make this an intimate affair with very close family and few friends only and I’m so glad we had this day low-key as to me this was transformative and I actually was fully engaged and I’ll cherish it forever.

    We had the weekend to ourselves before she returned back to her parents for the beginning of the cultural events and at this point I felt like a different man. The stand out point for the events was there was colour, lots of vibrancy and music. Painting faces with turmeric, funny traditions like milk and having your shoe stolen and paying for it to be returned, to a departing event with lots of tears this was overwhelming because I hate seeing ‘B’ upset. The events were jam packed and for the most part fun. Completely different to a traditional white wedding.

    Seeing B happy and smiling made my heart feel fuzzy. Even though we had a lot of challenges with Covid. The events all went ahead and came together for her.

    Oh and we both invited our exes to the cultural events in the end and it just reaffirmed I was with the right person. ‘B’s’ ex is bloody good looking and nice enough lad but I didn’t feel any jealousy as we have so much trust and communication. My ex best friend and ex both came too and because I was so full of pride nothing really mattered anymore. I didn’t feel at any moment it could have been her or any regrets. It was a complete new slate and I’m glad bygones are bygones. Her extended family on the other hand made a few jibes and couldn’t help but comment how ‘B’s’ ex being same race was a better choice for her. I didn’t let it affect me too much.

    The evening we officially got married and had our civil was our wedding night, I told her I was taking her to somewhere special that only her and I will share. In more ways than one 😉

    The last few weeks, ‘B’ had asked to spend with her family and no visiting until the big day, naturally this built the sexual tension even more, although I was not keen on this initially it worked out perfectly because it also gave me time to create my surprise wedding night at our new home .

    First thing I did was install a doorbell camera to record her reaction when the time came. The old owners took all their furniture thankfully, so its a period property and stripped back it looks amazing with the high ceilings and chandeliers.

    I decided to create a romantic trail based on what would be our new tradition, an ode to that date which stirred all the feelings of love for her, our engagement. I stole your idea @Sammy1 and made it very dreamy!

    When we left the wedding venue, I blindfolded her and told her she must not peak and wait. She’s always great at gestures so I was stoked with what I had created for her. When we arrived I told her to wait and not remove the blindfold until I called her, she stood there in her wedding dress and I placed the first envelope which had a key and note inside ” This is the key to your happiness, use to unlock our new beginning..”

    It was cute watching her reaction, she looked so confused at first! I prompted her and said I’m waiting for you inside our new home, and it finally clicked it was ours, she was astounded and stood there hand over mouth saying a few cursives and OMGs ahaha, best feeling ever.

    When she opened the door I had lined the hallway with her favourite flowers in vases and a trail of clues. Each envelope gave a mini tour and clue on where to go next with a surprise present in each room. The kitchen I had left something naughty which told her to make her way upstairs.

    When she arrived upstairs, I stood still and soaked her in, I didn’t want to forget how she looked at this moment. I had a record player playing “At Last”, and we slow danced to this, the rest of night was bloody magical. All I can say is B measured up in every single way and was worth all the struggle and wait. Sammy, Tim you were 100% right when there’s natural chemistry and a deep emotional connect,  the physical intimacy is bloody sublime with no inhibitions! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. Bring on the honeymoon baby ahaha! Yes loves the house. Your boy did good! We christened it well too ahaha!

    This thread steered me to taking the biggest risk of my life that led me to the most amazing reward. I am grateful beyond words can express.

    I came on here looking for sympathy, I had been reduced to a fuckboy until I stumbled across this thread.


    @Kkasxo
    homie your kindness and acceptance as a newbie allowed me to open up and spill my feelings which lead to me receiving so much insight and growth.


    @Shelbyville
    your thread is the reason why I found such good advice, your protective nature, telling me to be kind to myself too touched me in a way I didn’t expect. You didn’t want me to get hurt chasing the impossible, but your concept of journeymate actually spurred me on and helped me overcome my biggest fears. It challenged me to not settle for less and take the easy route, so I fought for ‘B’.


    @Tim1
    your sage advice making me hold my physical urges and see if the emotional connect was strong allowed me to demonstrate loyalty, maturity and be better. I found my best friend and wifey all in ‘B’ and it made the the physical side more than I could have ever anticipated and this is one of the most important elements for me in a relationship, so I’m so glad you taught me that patience can be a virtue.


    @Sammy1
    what can I say you’ve been there since day 1 and you are a real one! You are a big part of my journey,  remaining fair but firm, which made me grow so much, the time ,insight you’ve given is the most amazing gift and I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you but I send you positive vibes and know when I look back I will appreciate and always value you for the incredible support and guidance you gave.

    I’m here for you and see you like the cool sister I never had. I will always reply to you, whatever you need I will. I know you’re going to do well in life, you have a fighting spirit and whole heap of love. You go get them! If you want, B and I would love to extend our friendship to you beyond the virtual realm. That way I can repay you too.


    @Jay2023
    thanks for the heart to heart bro, it made me get therapy for the niggling issues and improve myself further. It has been a pleasure having another man on here since Tim and I really appreciated you as a sounding board and the support in the lead up to my wedding.


    @Rhaenys
    thank you too for always offering encouragement!

    I don’t want to disappear but I have a funny feeling my wifey will be occupying my time more than I originally anticipated. I’m going to take it all in whilst it’s on offer ahaha!

    I will try to post but if it does become difficult. I wish you all the best in your journeys.

    I think taking time to discover who I am, and finding someone who didn’t want to change me to ideal was key to this. Look for someone who you admire, respect so want to do better yourself but also makes you feel passion and wild desire. Don’t settle out of fear of being alone, don’t rush it or you’ll end up with a lacklustrous partnership and doing yourself injustice. Trust your timing and don’t fear love. Real love is wholesome AF!

    I’m still learning, I still have some bad patterns but I know I’m winning. I found love in myself first. Thank you for everyone who contributed to getting me this far!

    #382196
    Sammy
    Participant

    Danny! Awwwwwwwwwwww congratulations! 👰🏼‍♀️💍🤵🏼💒dreams really do come true!

    I’m seriously crying happy tears for you right now!

    I want to take my time to reply properly, hoping @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys can take the helm and 🍾  with you, I’m on a staycation with my boyfriend for a week now but once I’m back or if I get any time in between I’ll message back properly.

    • Danny for now enjoy and make up for the lost time 😉😈😜
    #382220
    Danny
    Participant

    Ahaha mate I definitely will! She’s unleashed the 😈 thank you for taking time out to congratulate me you enjoy your staycay but I’m off on a real vacay 😉 this weekend! I’ll catch you soon! Hope you have a great time with your boyfriend. Cheers mate!


    @Jay2023
    and @Rhaenys don’t worry about holding the fort, I hope you are both doing good.

    #382260
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    I just read your post… Wow! Just wow! Congratulations!

    I’m so glad everything went well, with your letter first, than wedding, and also the house and the first night together. 😀 I didn’t know when was the date of wedding, so I admit I was a bit worried, after the letter questions, why there are no news from you.

    So I’m really glad to hear all the news.

    How are the first days going? When is the honeymoon going to be, are you traveling somewhere?

    #382270
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys quickly logged in to say thank you. I know sometimes you’ve felt ignored and I wanted to make time to reply to your kind words. I’m so stoked to be where I am!

    Her extended family have been a bee in my bonnet, but coming on here venting and Sammy’s guidance reminded me to stay focused. What I have with ‘B’ is actually incredible and took a lot of graft so the leadup to the wedding as stressful as it’s been, I wasn’t going to let them get inside my head any further. It is a bridge I have to cross because Sammy’s right you can’t suppress how you really feel about anything. It all seeps out in the end.

    Right now I’m going to soak in this blissful time, I didn’t think it was possible but I love her even more. The first night together was beyond what I imagined.


    @Rhaenys
    @Jay2023 my advice is definitely don’t settle. No matter how lonely it gets, even if your clock for babies is ticking, hold out for someone who accepts all of you and you really desire and meets your needs,only then can you create something meaningful. I’ll write more on my journey because I think I need to be truthful about my main need for anyone else reading and if it had not been met maybe a part of me would have felt slightly disheartened.

    When I’m back from our honeymoon (we are off to the Caribbean this weekend) I can give a better picture of what it is like but I think the fact I have no regrets, no doubts, our exes didn’t even stir anything in us and now that our union is officially cemented and I feel like this means B’s definitely “the one” !

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

    #382349
    Tim
    Participant

    @Dannydan

    Get in there, lad! Very proud of you! Thanks but you did the hard work and were patient, you reap what you sow. Kudos to you for respecting her need to hold off, look, to be frank, it’s not easy when you’re a red-blooded male. It was a risk, it could have been disastrous ( I would have felt awful for you as the physical component is integral in a relationship) if your energies didn’t align but any type of relationship no matter how much you test run it, runs a risk. What needs to be tested is somebody’s true character, level of emotional compatibility, and intelligence, adaptability, and B’s was fantastic. I had a good feeling about you two, reminded me a little of my own relationship.

    Congratulations enjoy the honeymoon and I have no doubt you have a fantastic future awaiting you both! Fantastic news! Let’s hope this magic in the air works on the England team tonight! I love to see two people who deserve happiness so much find it with each other. Best wishes to you both.

    Tim

    #382688
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan I returned from my staycation down south yesterday evening wasn’t as fancy as the carribean but we found a lovely secluded cove, was very romantic and fun, my boyfriend stayed down South as he has nabbed some tickets for the final on Sunday with his mates! It’s coming home 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

    I hope you’re having the most beautiful honeymoon and stay healthy and safe.

    But Oh em Gee!

    Your initial post deserved my full time and attention. Just like @Tim1 who it’s so sweet of to reply and @Rhaenys have said you and B deserve your happy ever after and I’m so proud of you.

    You don’t give yourself enough credit. You had so much courage and belief to fight for her, even when we believed you should let her be, you fought your own fears too. You stepped up big time, you let go of your ego and look at your hard work it’s paid off! You can look back with no regret, not many people have that luxury. My ex wanted to try but by the time he admitted it, for me it was too late, now those what ifs will always linger for him. It always does.

    It was a bit obvious that you shared an intense emotional connection, natural chemisty just from your descriptions of her and your communication. The bases you did go to beforehand, I’m sure you guaged there would be no inhibitions and it confirmed you two were very compatible!

    But I understand it would be hard if you felt upset about the physical side as it is obviously a big need for you and let’s be real no one wants a dead lay for the rest of their lives either lol because if there isn’t the above naturally then working on it is difficult too.

    Reading your wedding night surprise and how dreamy you made it , wowee Danny! She’s a very very lucky woman to be gifted a home, loved and spoilt by you too! It sounds like you had the most perfect and magical night, you really deserve it. You are very romantic! I’m a little envious and I’m sure @Rhaenys as a woman will agree we want that too!

    I was on tenterhooks about you buying a house without her seeing it but its obvious you are attentive and know what she would want or like! So again well done!

    The wedding sounds like you actually warmed up to and honestly as a man, you made it! Lol

    Sorry to hear that the lack of emotional awareness in others meant they made unwelcome remarks. I do think it’s something you shouldn’t sweep under the carpet just because you got through it. You need to talk it through with B and let her

    wow, you invited both your exes to the wedding, why? Is B’s ex in a relationship,  how did you really feel? Did your ex and ex bestie be respectful? I’m in touch with my ex but I don’t think I could ever extend an invitation to him, I don’t know.

    I’m so touched by your offer to make our friendship real. I do not know how I feel, one hand I’ve loved the anonymity of helping others. I’ve used this thread as an outlet anonymously but the thread has a lot of pain attached. On the other hand, I really gelled with you and Tim naturally, have felt a real part of your journey’s and you both have been there for me. I would never accept this offer from anyone other than you two! I would love to meet you and B, you both sound amazing. It would mean telling my current partner about this thread though as I wouldn’t ever come alone. I’m not too sure if I want him to know or know just yet. I think it’s nice to hold some parts of you back or have personal space too in a relationship. Let me think about it.

    I look forward to hearing from you when you’re back from your honeymoon. If you can’t reply anymore because you’re too busy using your energies elsewhere lol I will not be offended. You have been amazingly supportive and I have learned so much and become stronger and happier with my choices. So thank you so much Danny!


    @Tim1
    Your message to Danny was lovely, I hope fatherhood is a bit easier for you now! I hope you are doing well X


    @Jay2023
    I hope you are doing well. Haven’t heard from you, hope it is because you’re having a great time and enjoying the football! Get in touch. Come on England!!!!!

    #383167
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim1 Thanks bro, I really am very touched and appreciate you coming online to congratulate me and send warm wishes. You played a significant part in my journey here. You and your little family stay well, I have every faith you’re acing fatherhood!


    @Sammy1
    It didn’t come home! Shame, but we had a good run, bring on WC 2022!

    No need to deep it, I wanted to offer you that because you have been there from the very beginning for me, being fair and firm through a very difficult period of my journey.  I value that quality in a person and wish to repay it. I didn’t stop to think that it might come across creepy though ahaha! I am extremely grateful and would repay your efforts anytime.

    ‘B’ is aware that I’m part of an online community that’s helped me, I am fortunate I can share anything with her but I love that she doesn’t feel the need to coax for the finer details about it and understands this has been my private venting place, so I get where you’re coming from. It is equally important to have your own personal space and be able to share certain things in your own time with your partner. It comes down to trust.

    I’m in a very good place in my life so naturally will not be online. I have loved being able to help others too but realistically I have such a busy schedule ahead. However Sammy for you the offer is always on the table and I am happy with whatever you decide. You can @ me whenever you need, I’ll always respond.

    Ahaha to answer your question truthfully, it was awkward at first when ‘B’ asked to invite her ex, I knew from early on before proposing they were still friends. That didn’t surprise me, everyone she blesses her presence with is left better, that’s the quality I love about ‘B’ the most. Her good nature and ability to keep good ties with everyone she meets. It’s so rare in our generation. Even when she walked away from me the first time, she was so calm and kind after how I treated her.

    As a man I admit I was dubious at first as to why her ex was still on the scene. Women and men are fundamentally different, women can easily be friends but facts are we men are takers, when we have shared real feelings for a woman and still care we either remain “friends” with hope to swoop in given an opportune moment OR we admit defeat, realising we can’t handle being friends because it is too late, it hurts too much to be around the person. It stirs feelings of what could’ve been so we protect ourselves over a friendship.

    There really is no in between for majority of us but exceptions to the rule always exist. In this case I think it’s an exception, time will tell but I trust ‘B.’

    She told me her ex had always treated her well, it was a mutual split because they wanted different things in life. They played a significant role in each others life and managed to stay friends, they had always wanted the best for each other. They stopped dating after university and ‘B’ has dated since and been single so it’s been years and nothings happened.

    Although I may have appeased a little I’m glad I did, I realised her emotional intelligence and maturity is on a different level to mine, I accepted she wanted him there for one of the most important moments of her life. That important moment was with me. I wanted to be mature too so I ended up inviting my ex and ex best mate. Let bygones be bygones. With my ex, I have no desire to be friends because I realised I don’t care for someone who betrayed me. That’s not love.

    Before the wedding day I had to shut down the little whispers from my inner critic and remind myself I trust her so his intentions don’t matter, when the wedding day came, honestly although I could see he was a very attractive lad and Asian which didn’t help as I was subjected to some snide remarks, I was completely enchanted by ‘B’ and he nor my own ex crossed my mind , in the end we had chosen each other and I felt 1 million percent certain in my choice. It was an incredible feeling to have no lingering regrets, I felt it was just her and I in the room during all the events. It was a risky move appeasing but paid off.

    Talking of the snide remarks. ‘B’ read the letter once we returned and was completely devastated. I thank my lucky stars she didn’t before the wedding it would have completely ruined it for her.

    She was livid initially, a scary side I’ve not seen and she gets this vessel bulging on her forehead I’ve never noticed because I’ve never seen her so angry. Which is kinda cute ahaha. She rang her father straight away and majority of the conversation was in her mother tongue I didn’t understand but knew it was serious.

    Her father came around shortly after and it really made me nervous, given the bumpy start we had when i was introduced to him but I was touched by his actions. It was a nice gesture by him and it’s actually made us closer, he thanked me for not causing a ruckus beforehand, family respect is big thing for them and said he would see to it that the family members apologise and it wouldn’t happen again on his watch.

    When he left I reassured ‘B’ it didn’t matter anymore and we had navigated ourselves through it, but she commented that “we” hadn’t and now she understood why I had not been as enthused in the lead up and had to deal with it alone, she just burst into tears. I told her I didn’t want her to feel guilty, I loved and trusted her but chose not to tell her as I was worried about her health at the time and didn’t want to ruin the magic for her. I hate seeing her upset, she was deeply sorry, she wished she had known and profusely apologised for the pressure, her family members and also said she was sorry for inviting her ex. If she had known sooner what was happening she wouldn’t have allowed it to be fuel for her guests to score points against me. The whole thing has brought us closer, I know she’s got my back. I feel deeply loved by her, I feel I’m her priority even though she has that family responsibility. Even with the inevitable issues everything ricochets because we are a team. I’m finally with someone who I really see and she sees me and we love each other for it.

    The honeymoon was sublime, 3 S’s galore and I’m pleasantly surprised I knew she was a minx but we do come from different cultures, I’m a red blooded male and very accepting of a woman expressing her sexuality in a relationship. She’s brought up a bit more conservatively, but boy is she fun and can keep up. Ahaha. If she read this she would kill me!

    There was a tiny bit of a  moment though. ‘B’ has a killer lithe figure, she always garners attention because of it and couple that with her being naturally warm and welcoming, men are drawn to her which does irritate me at times. Insecurities I guess. Being on a beach it was the first time she wore a bikini around me, and the long lingering looks from other men made me feel very uncomfortable!

    I managed to stop it in its track , I realised because I love her so much , I don’t want my view of wifey to be “shared” but we share this level of trust and respect for each others choices. So I settled on other men can just look and be jealous as I am the lucky man who gets all of her. So I didn’t let it spiral into something bigger. Which is major progress for me!

    ‘B’ being her perceptive self must have detected the squirming because the next few occasions on the beaches wore kimonos or dresses on top. Not going to pretend I didn’t prefer it but I wanted to ensure she was happy, I love our communication it’s so easy! Other than that the honeymoon was light and pure bliss!

    We unfortunately got pinged yesterday, someone on the return flight must have tested positive on day 2, so now we are having to quarantine despite going to a green list country.

    In one way it’s fantastic to be able to squeeze in some more quality time just the two of us
    because we both have busy schedule ahead with work commitments, on the other hand the weather in UK is scorching so it’s frustrating we can’t utilise it to mingle together with our family and friends. So much for “freedom day”!


    @Rhaenys
    you asked me what the early days are like. We will officially be married for a month this week ! Time flies! Planning on doing something cute for our 1 month anniversary, any idea ladies? It has to be at home because of quarantine.

    But to sum up newlywed life, I love it. Life really is down to making the right choices, with ‘B’ I really did. I focused on who met my actual needs and wants and who I really was. When you do that you can’t really go wrong. I have an invigorating partner by my side who I can completely be myself with, she makes me feel young, she makes me feel wild desire, and I really value her emotional depth and understanding, the way she makes me feel loved.

    My lease to my place in London is coming to an end, after quarantine I’ll be permanently moving into ‘B’s’ place she has time left on hers. We are hoping to get our new house ready in that time frame. It’s the most amazing feeling going to bed with her with no restraints and waking up next to her. I really enjoy calling her my wifey, I feel proud that she’s mine. I feel she’s proud of me too.

    It isn’t all plain sailing, the annoying habits we are discovering about each other leads to minor squabbles but it is actually proving fun, teasing is such a big part of our chemistry.

    Also on one occasion we locked horns over something, it fed into our sexual desire for one another. So our friends were right, we have natural sexual chemistry and I love we still can create sexual tension between us after the catching up we did over the honeymoon. It is fun, exciting and I will openly admit sex is very important need for me.

    Very excited to create our new home and space together with no lingering history and a fresh clean slate too. I feel proud that I chose something she loves and I’m able to provide for her. I’m very traditional in some ways. This was very important to me.

    I’m happy. I’m happy I went through all the betrayal, I’m happy I reached out for help and my vulnerability led me to the right person. I’m happy on the work I continue to do on myself and I’m certain if ‘B’ and I continue in the same vain we have the best years ahead of us.

    I can only say @Rhaenys sometimes things don’t make sense until you find your actual soulmate. You have relationships in between where you think you’ve found love, you convince yourself because you’ve settled out of fears and insecurities. Just be you, and when you meet the person that makes you feel like a moth drawn to the flame. Jump in with your whole heart, risk it. It is only the most beautiful exciting things that have the potential to ignite a real raging fire. It will transform us.

    Never let go of a person who does that for you. Dont settle in love. You’ll soon get bored if it isn’t the right person, your needs and desires seep out. I was always drawn to ‘B’s light because she is the most beautiful light. I could have lost the best thing that ever happened to me if I didn’t go back towards that flame. I let go and allowed myself to love her how I wanted and yes I may get burned one day you just never know it’s always a risk but for the first time in life I am experiencing as well as giving unconditional love, insatiable desire for the same person and if I burst into flames I can really say it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

    I hope I have been of some use to you, I hope reading my journey helps in some way and you reach your home too whether that’s a relationship or being happy with you.


    @Jay2023
    not heard from you bro, everything okay mate?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Danny.
    #383204
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan its great to hear from you and that you had a wonderful honeymoon.

    Loved reading your long post but where do I begin? It’s been my pleasure to help you. You honestly don’t owe me anything, but I will tag you if I ever need some perspective but like you I’m doing well now. @Rhaenys and @Jay2023 have gone awol lol. So I only respond to any notifications. The fact you want to return my time and energy, is a true reflection of your character. I appreciate that a lot. In the past, I would get upset by slow or no replies but this thread taught me about managing expectations and made me give in a better way than I did before. So you really don’t owe me anything.

    I also couldn’t agree more, having your own personal space is important in relationships too. It’s evident your relationship is built on a strong foundation, you both share great communication and trust. Maybe we should both treasure it as our safe place we can vent anonymously to each other if necessary? At least for now.

    I think be careful of setting the bar so high for yourself because consistency is key in a relationship. Are you able to sustain the monthly anniversary surprises? As a woman I would prefer consistency rather than a brief honeymoon phase and then nothing. Having said that I get the feeling there’s also a deeply romantic Danny we’ve discovered that lurks beneath the sexually charged beast. If that’s the case ‘B’ is a lucky lucky lady to have a man willing to continue to infuse romance on the daily. Keeping it real most men win you over and revert back to their true uninspiring boring setting lol.

    I recommend something simple, maybe you could write a personalised card or  sentimental poem about what your first month as official husband and wife has meant to you?

    Wow! DANNY, that is super progress! Well done on reigning your thoughts in and thinking of it like you should; being proud she is all yours and remembering she chose you.

    Too right the other men should be the jealous ones! From all the information you’ve shared about ‘B’ she is quite an amazing catch so you should always remember she accepted YOU because she saw something special in you compared to her “hot Asian ex”  and the many options or dates she had.

    I am happy to read you have learned to accept yourself fully that’s why you are genuinely proud of yourself for being the one man that really captured her heart and made her want to be your wife.

    So well done for nipping any Insecurity in the bud , if allowed to grow it can become possessive and no woman wants to constantly reassure a man it is draining or have a controlling man, it eats away at the relationship. What did B say upon discussion?

    Carry on being you and growing, the love and chemistry you both share can only grow because its evident you two have something special. It really makes me happy to see it! It’s so sweet to read the little things you notice in her too.

    It is incredible how far you’ve come and the maturity you demonstrated by inviting your exes to be there, if anything it really shows you both have no lingering doubts or feelings. You trust and are committed to one another. And based on your descriptions of her,  I don’t think ‘B’ would ever cheat even if he did try and make a move, so if that thought ever tries to settle in your mind, discard it!

    It’s interesting what you said about men being takers and their role in forging a friendship for their own benefit. It has got me thinking about my ex.

    I know it must have been very difficult for you to confront the contents of that letter but look at the result! It’s shown how valued you are by ‘B’ as well as your in laws. Her parents can see you genuinely make their daughter fulfilled and happy. That was incredible her father stepped in. My friends who are in similar positions have not been so fortunate and their partner finds themselves in middle of tug of war and it leads to misery all around. You are united and all on the same page so this union will only continue to soar.

    Glad to read your needs are being fulfilled in every way Danny 😜 be careful you mind find she wants it more!

    Remember confrontation or locking horns can be very healthy and make your bond stronger if expressed in the right manner. Arguing will occur in every relationship but those that have strong emotional understanding and communication will continue to thrive. I just knew it you two would be like horny rabbits, you have strong emotional intimacy after that incident where you had your first major fight it’s clear when your bond is threatened you seek proximity to one another to reconnect!

    Reading what you wrote to @Rhaenys made me cry. It’s just so beautiful to see you so passionately in love and willing to risk loving from your whole heart even if it comes crumbling down. Not many love like that Danny! You’re right it’s our choices that decide our fate. Never let fear decide our destiny.

    I’m so glad to have witnessed you morph from that boy who first posted to the man you are today. X

    #383213
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan and @Sammy

    No, I have not left. I’ve been actually visiting this forums almost every day to check if they are updates or if someone posts without tagging me And of course I react to tags in my mail. I saw your lost post @Sammy before today as an big congrats to @Danny (as deserved, of course) so I didn’t thought you need reply.

    I admit I also felt not wanting to bother anyone, so I guess I avoided posting myself about my life, since anyone else hasn’t posted updates after Danny’s big news (I know you two are great and will say I never bother you). And I’ve been having some good and really good days but also some bad and really bad.

    I agree with Sammy, what you wrote to me is amazing @Dannydan. You both were of much help. I can’t express how grateful I am.

    I’m in a haste today and tomorrow, so I will write a longer reply and update this weekend.

    About one month gift.. you really are romantic Danny. I don’t know… I think you know her very well, better than us. I agree with Sammy. Maybe you could use message in a bottle idea now, and put that poem or thoughts or personal card inside? I’ll reply again if I get another idea.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Rhaenys.
    #383289
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 thanks for your very kind words. It means a lot to me to know I’ve done good from you, you were here since my first post.

    Ahaha, hands up beneath the bravado, I am a cheesefest and hopeless romantic,  I’ve never had anyone appreciate that sensitive side. Most women want treat them mean, keep them keen but with ‘B’ she appreciates every aspect of the real me and doesn’t make me feel inferior or less macho. I love spoiling her. She spoils me more probably, it’s an incredible feeling. I will take heed of your advice by being consistent, I don’t want this feeling to ever fade for us.

    How are things with your new partner? Why are you thinking about your ex? It’s pretty straightforward…

    An honest man would admit that if you shared real feelings with a woman, it’s impossible to stay actual friends!

    It’s too damn hard for us men. It’s not just the sexual desire, sometimes talking to an ex can stir feelings in us especially if there’s unresolved feelings there. It becomes painful beyond belief to watch from the sidelines when those feelings can’t be acted on. Most of us give up hope here and know any friendship will be fake.

    But there are some men, like your ex who may cling to hope that you’ll date again. I’d say your ex might just be biding his time thinking you are rebounding and would at least bang if the opportunity presents itself. Tread carefully. You know his character better than anyone.

    I think you women are emotionally stronger, that’s why you’re better at being friends afterwards.

    Rarely do you get a situation like ‘B’s’ ex it’s an exception to the rule. I trust ‘B’ because she’s so mature, I know her character and how principled she is. Although I’m dubious about him as I don’t know him well yet, one boundary ‘B’ and I agreed on is never to discuss any potential issues be it marriage or personal with any exes. So their relationship is very neutral. I’m not going to stop it as that’s controlling and would be projecting my own insecurities.

    Personally I’ve chosen to have nothing to do with my ex. If I’m honest, I do hold a small place for her in my heart, she was my first “love” but I don’t trust her character after the betrayal so although I’ve matured greatly, I don’t want her in my circle because she could potentially cause issues.

    I invited her as an extension of my best mate. He’s been pushing hard to repair our relationship and I do miss him, he was a great friend since childhood until that happened. I have forgiven him now after therapy and bit by bit looking to repair our relationship.

    Thanks Sammy for highlighting that, if I’m ever having an internal meltdown, I’m going to re read that point and reframe any insecurities. ‘B’ chose me, being so beautiful inside and out she dated many better options but I captured her heart. The other men should be jealous!

    Ahaha horny rabbits…. you’re hilarious Sammy. I am extremely grateful the physical side lived up to my expectations, sex is very important but honestly the best thing I ever did was listen to @Tim1,my brother and Anita on my original thread.

    With their wisdom they advised me to marry her. It was difficult because from the very moment I met ‘B’ it was sexual attraction, I couldn’t keep my hands off her.
    Everytime I was around her, I was in a state of non stop arousal and didn’t understand what she saw in me. Waiting and learning to control the carnal desire in a way I had never before actually opened my eyes to all the qualities I was ignoring, in the end when I allowed myself to fall that golden heart is what I fell in love with.

    I knew she was a minx but combined with that golden heart is was connect us deeper during intimacy, it makes it so special and there are no inhibitions. I’m on cloud nine.

    I am no longer avoiding confrontation, I don’t mind annoying her after what it’s led to ahaha!


    @Rhaenys
    thanks for the lovely suggestion. Look how many bad days I had, but I’m riding a wave of elation and I’m sure there will be more bad days coming my way too but keep working on yourself and don’t settle because you’re tired or just want a partner. Find someone who meets all your physical and emotional needs. You can only find that if you know who you are and start to love yourself accordingly.  It will all make sense one day.

    I wish I could stick around longer to help you further but after my quarantine ends I will not get the time as much so I would hate to leave you hanging.
    I sincerely apologise.

    I hope @Sammy1 or @Jay2023 can keep this thread going to help you.  Best of luck and if you want to ask me anything for next few days you can. I’ll respond.

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