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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #381638
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys, @Sammy1, @Jay2023, @Dannydan

    I just wrote a post a few hors ago and it’s awaiting moderation. So waiting for that. I’m not sure why, that happens often to me here, I’m not sure if I’m doing anything wrong or it’s because of my language mistakes.

    So I’m just going to reply to new posts, to respect the moderation.


    @Jay2023
    I’m glad you are better and everything is well. Also I’m really glad and you should be proud of yourself that you choose not to pursue realtionship with someone else if she is not ready. However it seems to me that situation has helped you to get over your ex a bit so that’s positive.


    @Sammy1
    , I’m really sorry. Are you two okay? Did he said why he won’t live with you, he feels it’s too early?

    I think it’s normal that old fears arise, although do you recognize you are already handling it a bit differently this time? It seems to me you are, and this is a big step.

    I remember your reply a month ago, whan I asked you how did you let yourself enter new relationship and be vulnerable again, and you are so brave.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #381641
    Jay
    Participant

    Hello Rhaenys, I hope you are well also! Thank you and you are right it was a definitely turning point for me, I think with the way things went for myself being single for so long before the dysfunctional relationship began I didn’t believe I would feel that way about someone else and tried to cling to it anyway I could no matter how wrong it was, now I’m confident enough to know something better will happen and at the very least it has triggered a new lease of life within me and given me a better attitude to succeed and do better for myself, in a way as painful as it has been at times over the last 2 years it is something that needed to happen for me to have a new perspective, I’m also happy and patient enough now to wait until something feels right from both ends rather than just myself.

    Ahh Sammy I’m really sorry to hear that has happened, don’t be too disheartened and let any insecurities arise, I know it can’t be a bit disappointing when the pace is different in each others minds but he just probably isn’t ready for that commitment at this time, at least now he knows that’s what you would like to progress to and is now something for him to think about, you are a wonderful human being and I’m sure he would love to share a home with you at some point! If you need to share or talk about anything I will e sure to give you my opinion and listen as you have done for me through the darkest times 🙂

    With my ex, not a peep now since end of February apart from when I passed her that afternoon outside my local, in all fairness I’m quite glad because there was definitely a window of time where she could of talked me back, I know I said I wouldn’t but I know if she turned the screw I would of folded, now I have zero interest in being involved in her life at all, I may have the odd curious thought but if she was to contact me see how I am I would probably say its best just to leave it as it is and that part of my life is in the past, I’ve noticed how much I’ve flourished without having to feel the need to meet her expectations, I don’t want anything to disrupt that so I’ve probably got a little fear in me of that happening so it’s best just to exclude her from my life all together, my moods are a lot more stable now and I’m generally quite upbeat daily and my social life is really good. The therapy hasn’t happened so far, no contact whatsoever, I’ve not contacted them to chase but feel a little let down if I’m honest, If they do contact me I will still talk to them and see what they say, at this time I wouldn’t stop the medication as I think I’m really feeling the benefits of it, my anxiety is non existent anymore and I’m sleeping properly and eating normally.

    With work I’m with the same company, the job I was working on when I started ended a month ago and I have always had a fear of what would happen after but that anxiety has gone now as it seems my reliability and work ethic has paid off and there is plenty more work coming up, for the last 6 months this job has been the most important thing in my life as I really enjoy it, meeting new people all the time and getting away from my home town, also there has been a more physical element to it now so I’m getting a good work out whilst earning a wage! Also it’s important for me achieving my goals financially so I’m glad everything is going to plan in that respect.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Jay.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Jay.
    #381643
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thanks for your quick response. I didn’t pick up a notification for your post and can’t see it either. Are you sending website links because then it goes into moderation.

    How are you doing? Or is that spoken about in your other post?

    Me i think I got too excited as things have been going so well with him. I asked him to move into mine because we have been spending so much time together and sleeping over at each others lately and its come to a stage for me I want to be next to him when I wake up in the morning. The funny thing is I was hesitant at first about sharing my space when i got my new home and he felt that, now I’m ready he doesn’t seem to be. He said  liked his own space and he has never moved in with any of his girlfriends and only saw himself doing that as a married couple. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t think he was a commitment phobe, I couldn’t really say well marry me then either , I don’t want him or I to rush into that as it’s a big commitment and shouldn’t be done due to fears. Maybe he feels moving in things will get too serious, I know with my ex it was a shock and I had to learn to adult and its different. He knew I was disappointed and tried to reassure me and I didn’t want to pressure him , if he’s not ready then he’s not and i tried not to dwell on it too much but once I got back to my place , I just felt overwhelmed and cried. I felt all those stupid feelings again which I know are not true. I’m trying to not let myself spiral and then press destruct because he’s such a great man and does meet all my needs and wants. I don’t feel like I desire more or something is missing when I’m with him. So I’ve hit a brick wall but your right @Rhaenys I’m trying to catch my train of thoughts and patterns and divert them so they don’t run away. Thank you for saying I’m brave.

    #381647
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 just seen your post after posting a reply to Rhaenys.

    So I’ve addressed what his reasoning was above so you can give me a further opinion. It’s reassuring to hear from another guy it is just that he’s not ready yet and not what my the bad voice is trying to shout louder.

    Thank you so much for offering to help me in return. I’m so touched by that gesture. So many people just use people when in a rut and forget about them, I have learned not to do things with expectation of anything in return but your offer is a mark of a really good natured, unselfish, grateful person. You obviously value and never forget the people who helped along the way during your own darkness and are willing to take the time and do what’s needed to lift them up in return whenever they need it. Thanks Jay! You’re a good man.

    That’s so great to hear how far you’ve come. I know it’s hard to believe when you’re admist a situation but I knew that was not the love you deserved and it just required time for you to realise it for yourself. You deserve an affectionate, emotionally supportive, warm, type of girl. I’m impressed with your new found self confidence and belief. This new girl you met although it wasn’t the right time clearly made you realise what you are worth! So well done on knowing when to move on too!

    That’s amazing that the medication has worked wonders on your anxiety. A lot of people on this thread especially @Shelbyville was desperate for a cure. Maybe you can share so anyone reading can benefit from the same medication or implement your advice. Anxiety is a biyatch for so many!

    The combination of sleep, food and exercise routine probably has helped stabilise your mood. I’m so happy to hear you feeling so great and optimistic about your future.

    This job seems to be a perfect match for you in offering work and life balance. How is it physical? Do you work in  health and fitness sector? Save those pounds, you have a holiday awaiting you…..Thailand wasn’t it?

     

    #381629
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys. Sorry I haven’t been here.

    First, congrats to @Tim1!!! Such wonderful news, I’m really happy for you. And thank you so much for coming here, and remembering us all, it means a lot. And for your lovely words at the end of your post.

    @Jay2023 I’m glad for your last post and news, it is easier with a new romantic interest.


    @Dannydan
    , I’ve been reading this topic all the time and reading your reply but I did not know what to advice. So I waited for Sammy. Like before, “ask Sammy” continues. Did you give B the letter?

    I was thinking what to advice, and as usually, I tried to put myself in B’s position. I wouldn’t like the feeling if my fiance wrote a letter that he didn’t want me to read before wedding. It would cause me too much worry, also if there is a problem, I would feel it needs to be discussed before the wedding. So I thought that givinh here is the right choice, but I was also afraid of result.. so “ask Sammy”.

    How did it go?


    @Sammy1
    , you are as alwys so wonderful and helpful, how are you?

    I’ve been actually silent because I guess I didn’t feel too good. I realized I came posting here in crisis and then post but almost don’t want to be to sincere, becasue it would seem that I’m still too anxious and in crisis. But I guess this is the right place to be vulnerable, and this is the place when I have to be sincere or don’t bother to post at all. So here it goes.

    First, I felt a bit excluded here since you all bonded. Then I realized it’s a circle, people bond because they post, I post for a while and then leave but I feel excluded… So I’m not trying to blame anyone, just stating how I feel, as I said, I think I know a reason.

    Also, in my life, as the thing with the tinder guy ended I felt depressed. Not really because of him, or my ex. I think I’m finally mostly over it. As @Jay2023 once said, I’ll be completley over when I fall in love again, but I think I’m over him for a big part. Also, what happened recently is that my last female friend that was single found somenone. And I really was and still am happy for her, and I helped her and talked with her. So I’m happy. But, for a few weeks, that left me without anyone to even ask for a drink almost, everyone is happy coupled and only wanted to hang out at home. So I felt depressed.

    I know here and in my life, people will say I have to be happy alone. And I guess I’m a bit exaggerating, but I am 34 now (had birthday recently). I do want family. I know I won’t really be satisfied I’m in my 40s and going from work to home alone. So I think that my wish for companionship, love and children is a valid one. And I know I still have time and panicking a bit, but this COVID year made it really hard for me. I probably should be more optimistic, but it was a shitty year. It’s always funny how people think I’m pretty and attractive, and guys do text me and as out. But I’ve still didn’t have much luck, faced rejection in 2 realtionships (and a few flings) and that experience scares me.

    I also feel pressure sometimes when some of people say to me , when I say taht someone doesn’t attract me, that beauty is not important. While they all have partners they found attractive. Bullshit. I need to be attracted to someone, or I will be miserable all the time in relationship.

    So I decided I won’t listen those people. I won’t listen happy coupled people who tell me I need to be happy alone, and who never faced being alone in their middle thirties and wanting family, while all friends are coupled. I won’t listen to people who tell me I have to satisfy for someone I’m not feeling any desire or attraction at all.

    I think my mom is my best therapist. She tells me that my wish for relationship and family is valid, and I don’t have to feel completley happy if that wish is curently unfulfilled, but that I still have that time and don’t have to worry. That things change, and until that happens, I have many other nice things to enjoy. Dad says that too. They were actually my saviours, and I’m really happy to have them. And they changed a lot trough years, they are now much more relaxed than that used to be. So they helped a lot.

    Thankfully summer is coming and many places are opening here so I hope it will be better.

    Hope I wasn’t too harsh in my post.

     

     

    #381656
    Jay
    Participant

    No problem I’ve just read through, my thoughts are that it is probably just timing if you feel everything else is going well, I think with something as big as that it’s better to hint at it at first to feel out whether or not its something you both feel your ready for, having said that there’s no need for any of your old coping mechanisms to resurface, look how much stronger and more knowledgeable you are with everything now than before in the past, I know it’s easier said than done because in your mind it’s something you really wanted but the best thing to do would be act cool about it and let the seed grow that’s been planted, he may feel he’s really happy as things are and doesn’t want to disrupt that so remember it could be a fear from changing something he’s really happy with at the moment, I would suggest forget about it for now and enjoy things as they are and let him make any suggestion about that next step when he’s ready, in reasonable time of course, I’m not saying wait years! But honestly don’t overthink it too much and their is definitely no need for any sort of self destruct mode, just try get back to how things were and enjoy it 🙂

    Just read your post Rhaenys, I’m sorry you’ve had those moments of feeling that way, I too sometimes get a pinch of envy when a close friend becomes involved with a new romantic interest when your still healing and wanting to move on, it’s only natural. I would say being 34 and worried about hitting 40 without meeting someone who you connect with is unlikely, 6 years is a long time! And as you said your summer is approaching and restrictions are getting relaxed so more social environments will become available, I have every faith you will find someone who is right for you 🙂

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Jay.
    #381658
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys I feel so sad reading your post. I’m sorry if I personally made you feel excluded. It is no reflection of you whatsoever. I can’t speak for @Jay2023 or @Dannydan

    I think it’s just I generally gel better with men. That’s why my bond with Tim, Jay, Danny has been the strongest and I got invested in their lives. I think irl my bestie is such a presence , no other women match up to her. I’ve only made in the past 5 years one new female friend. She was a newbie and lovely girl in the office who was amazing during my initial stages of the break up with the ex. So please don’t take anything as negative.

    I try my hardest to not exclude anyone and reply to everyone’s post. I would be happy to offer you any advice whenever.

    It’s so important to be sincere when anonymous otherwise what’s the point? You’ll end up creating more turmoil inside yourself pretending online too! Just be open, so people can genuinely help you.

    It can be really tough when all your age bracket seem loved up and settled and there you are on your own. It’s important to not get distracted by others timeline, your journey and timing is your own. I think being a woman the ticking clock doesn’t help, I think you’re at a crossroad and it requires acceptance. On one hand you are desperate to be with baby and husband and other hand you are determined to feel that attraction and have someone who meets your needs and wants.

    So you need to decide and weigh up which ones more important. If you think you’re running out of time and children are paramount then I’m afraid you will need to compromise somewhere realistically to make it happen sooner but will this lead to resentment further down the line when you realise you rushed it then inevitably be driven to seek comfort or something elsewhere?

    If you want someone who really sees you, someone you feel attraction on many levels and gets your essence then are you willing to run the risk of being patient and waiting whilst knowing you might miss out on children?

    It comes down to what will make you feel fulfilled. Many people settle and rush into marriages to not feel alone, this is always a mistake in the end as they end up with someone they can’t be 100% real with and feeling more alone inside the relationship.

    My advice your mum and dad are wise. Don’t rush it you’ll make the wrong choice, it will happen when it’s meant to. Look around you and you’ll see there is so much more that can make you happy than a relationship.

    I think when we are single we are desperate to be committed and when committed we want to be single. Humans are never satisfied unless they find peace and happiness in other things including themselves.

    I hope that helps x

    #381661
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 check you out with your amazing insight. Thank you so much. You’ve really helped. I couldn’t help but feel is this his way of saying that if we moved in together inevitably it would be a big upheaval because he doesn’t see a future with me?

    I don’t know why I feel insecure again, it’s silly really. He sat down and was very open and reassuring. I do understand that we haven’t dated long enough it’s less than a year, so we are still in the honeymoon phase so of course right now we both are still goggly eyed so it’s important to give it time with your partner before jumping in. To get a feel of personality and lifestyle compatibility because cohabiting runs a huge financial and emotional risk. Maybe he is being level headed for the both of us whilst I’m getting all emotional, he is so different to my ex, he is open,  a great communicator and not impulsive. My ex and I just jumped into living together, then developed a dysfunctional co dependency and look where that got me.

    Thank you. He’s such a sweetheart, he messaged a short while ago asking if he can still sleep over tonight. I think I’m going to just make him a nice dinner after his shift and show him what he’s missing when he goes home lol. Instead of fretting.


    @Jay2023
    don’t feel like you can’t address yourself or the previous questions when I need advise in return, I like the balance and its a good distraction to have conversation when my problems arise.  Any plans for your weekend?

    #381662
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you @Jay2024 for your kind words and for faith, that means a lot to me. Yes, you are right, seems like plenty of time, but sometimes, especially after relationships with guys afraid of commitment, fear and anxiety kicks.

    Oh @Sammy1, don’t feel bad, I explained I also tended to run and don’t post more than to bond, so how can I bond if I don’t post and just read. But I read all the time since last summer.

    I don’t think I really have a choice @Sammy1. I just can’t have a relationship with a person that I don’t find interesting because of his character and attractive. And with “attractive” I don’t mean only looks, sometimes person grows on you when you get close. But a spark of attractivnes has to exist, and while it’s not just based because of looks, it depends on that too. Or I can’t kiss him, not even mentioning everything else. So I don’t like when people say to me that “he just has to be good” because that’s not true. I have good male friends, that even liked me, but I can’t be with them, I would be miserable. That’s a friends, not a partner.

    But I also want partner who will be my support, with whom I can talk and we can share our deepest fears and dreams, someone who will take effort to meet me and understand me and I will do that for him. Maybe that’s why I’m “too much” for someone. I realize now those are not my kind of people. And sometimes it takes time to see if you can do that with someone. I thought I could do that with my last ex, but it turned our I can’t. So that’s what I mean when I say “interesting”. I used to mean “similar or many interests and intelectually smart” but now I think something else.

    So I don’t think I really have a choice . And I don’t want a perfect person, just a real one, but who will want the same goals (children and family) and will be willing to put effort if it gets hard. I realize communication is really important, so I want someone I can talk with.

    Do I want too much? heheh. I don’t think I can’t be with a guy if I don’t think he has a potential for both.

    So I’m not sorry I ended with tinder guy, as he didn’t really put much effort at the end or respected my time.

    Thank you for understanding me @Sammy1 , that means a lot.


    @Sammy1
    , I agree with @Jay2023. I think you can enjoy your time with bf, and give him a reasonable time to see if he is ready for next steps that show commitment. You are not together for much, so maybe it is a bit too early for him. If he still have you support and understanding and didn’t just shut down but reassured you, that is wonderful.

    #381663
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Also, you guys, don’t feel bad. I was sincere, but all of you three, @Dannydan, @Jay2023 and @Sammy1 are coming back here even when you feel better and want to help others, and I think that tells a lot about you.

    #381664
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys

    I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.

    The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself @Rhaenys alongside me, @Jay2023 and @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.

     

    I’ve said this so many times on this thread there’s a fine line between friends and lovers and that’s sexual attraction. If you don’t feel like touching , kissing or more than they remain friends lol. Big but though my current partner was in my life for a while so it wasn’t an instant spark but I just remember feeling this intense desire all of a sudden to be with him. So sparks can grow it requires a deeper type of intimacy and bond. It requires the right set of circumstances and time too.

    He’s my best friend , I can lean on him not feel judged, talk to him effortlessly for hours. Sometimes he avoids replying at work now because we get caught up in back and forth texts and then find it hard to quit. Lol. I thinks that’s so important in a relationship to have that kind of communication beyond the honeymoon phase where there’s always a chase so to be able to sustain it shows a deep emotional connect. So you’re not asking for too much at all.  I think finding someone on your same communication wavelength is what creates lasting relationships. Some couples are content not having deep conversations or banter exchanged etc and it works for them, but if it is something you need and it isn’t met by your partner then you will not be happy and will get resentful so don’t settle. Just wait I believe the right person is out there for you x

    #381666
    Jay
    Participant

    Ahh Rhaenys thank you, your very welcome, honestly don’t think and worry too much about the future because your just adding pressure on yourself to make something work when an opportunity arises, I was too in this mindset but I’ve been able to replace that pressure with enjoying myself and others who care around me, I know something will happen when it’s meant too, I never used to get myself out there and be really shy but I’ve become more confident in myself and I will certainly make someone who I am attracted to know my status to feel out if the feelings mutual, I think with the restrictions easing I’ve realised how many great friends I’ve got around me and will support me, it’s been so hard with covid and that can make you feel like it’s you when it’s not, it’s just limited opportunity, I said before dating apps are not for me so I need to be out and about, I can’t wait to hear when your able to do the same and can meet new people 🙂

    Sammy I’m really glad that insight has helped you, especially when your such a strong person, we all have our moments of doubt but you need not, also that’s really nice of him to say what he has, it shows he cares because he stood for what he feels is right at the moment but was still worried he would of hurt your feelings, like I said it will happen when it’s meant to be, we can all get carried away when something is going really well and we want to strengthen that by taking it to the next level but there’s no rush! Especially when your really enjoying each others time, I’m sure he will be over the moon with the meal your gonna cook him 🙂

    Honestly myself at the moment I’m really content with everything, there’s not much going at this precise time but when something does happen and I would like a different view you will be the first person I come to, I’m actually off work for a week on annual leave, not sure what I’m gonna do though lol, I took the time off because the person I work with is going away and it just makes things easier, plus I’ve only had 2 days off this year, I’m off out tonight to watch the football with friends in the pub so should be a lively atmosphere!

     

    #381800
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    We are all human, each one of us has fears and moments of feeling unsteady. It’s just remembering you have the tools, have the strength and everything will pass. It’s in those wobbles, a bit of morale boost can do wonders. So thank you Jay!

    I love that about him, he sees that it’s okay to do what’s right for him and also cares to still reassure me. My ex would do whatever was best for him every single time and then put up a wall and not see how I felt. He stayed for two nights and we also enjoyed the football and dinner. I just miss him when he’s not there but I just need to take it slowly,  there will be a time I’m sure I will be wishing he wasn’t in my space all the time! Typical human nature.

    I’m in awe of your new attitude. You sound like a new man! I know therapy hasn’t come yet but to do it on your own indicates how strong you are. The good stuff is doing its job and you’ve really put the effort in to divert any negative thoughts.

    How is your time off? I hope you enjoy the downtime! Are you drinking again now socially?

    #381794
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello guys, how did the weekend go?

    Did you have fun at pub @Jay2023? @Sammy1, did you have a nice weekend with your boyfriend? And @Dannydan, did you resolve the situation with the letter?


    @Sammy1

    “I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.

    The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself  @Rhaenys alongside me,  @Jay2023 and  @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.”

    Thank you @Sammy1 <3. I meant that I guess I’m bit afraid people won’t like me, or they will ignore me, and then I stop communicate because I feel ignored or unliked. But I think it’s connected to what you wrote too. And my reaction makes it worse, because I stop communicating / post rarely and then you can’t bond. Yes, I’m reading you for months all the time, but if I don’t post you can’t see me.

    I also thought about what you wrote, the compromise. And in these worsds you found my biggest fear. That I’ll have to accept someone I don’t feel any spark ar attraction to have a family, to settle. Like, with a friend who I don’t find attractive or interesting at all. Whom I even can’t and don’t want to kiss.  I’m afraid if I will find someone who I will feel attraction for, and who will be ready and want to commit and want family with me. Because I haven’t had much luck with that until now. (I also made some mistakes and stayed too long it those realtionships.) So that’s my biggest fear.

    And I know I can’t make that compromise now. Maybe in 5 years if I’m desperate, but I doubt even then. I know I will be miserable forever if I do that and I won’t love that guy if I do that, because I couldn’t stand being with someone with whom I don’t feel it. However, I’ll be miserable if I stay alone and childless, too. So… this is the cause of anxiety and fear for me.

    About what you wrote with spark, I know it may take time, bonding and connection, but it has to exist. And I understand you, it’s also hard for me to find friends. And I mean rela friends, not aquantancies, I have those a lot.

    Thank you @Jay2023 for your reply, I’m glad you are much better now.

    #381880
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys

    Don’t let what the world thinks of you beat you down. It can be such a horrible spiral into self loathing and shaming. From what I’ve read from you I think you’re great! I also think you need to love yourself more. When you’re happy with the human you are even if someone doesn’t like you as you want,  it will never weigh on you and you can continue to be you. That’s what is important. Sometimes you gel with certain people more than others but that’s just a natural soul tie or connection.

     

    You’ll find what you need and want but don’t settle out of desperation. It’s really not worth it. It almost always leads to more unhappiness in the long run. Dont force yourself to kiss friends either lol. It is either there or not. Sometimes the attraction can hit you all of a sudden but if its not there and you don’t feel the desire to lips then don’t force it to create something that’s just silly.

    I’m here if you need a girly chat x

    If you focus on you and other things you already have that are good, you’ll stop thinking negatively and pessimistically that you’ll be childless. Its timing, you have to trust it and in the meantime enjoy things that make you happy, having a child is a huge responsibility. Enjoy your singledom whilst you have it! It will happen.

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