@Jay2023 only because I see you in me somewhat. I’m going to write out something very personal to me which I hope makes you realise you’re not alone.

When I felt really low, combination of the heartbreak and not knowing my own identity, I would spend hours gaming and playing snooker but one day even that wasn’t enough to distract from my inner turmoil. I would then sit and write a text for ‘B’ trying to word and explain to her but not even knowing how to or where to begin. I felt a burden, so instead I ignored her, pushed her away but she was one of the very few who actually intuitively understood and would have done anything to help. I wish I had reached out sooner, I wish I had learned talking is better. Withdrawing just left me alone with my intrusive thoughts and I ended up hurting me, her and my family. My brain tried to tell me I was better off without ‘B’ and she would be happier without me bringing her down with my issues. My brain tried to tell me my family had grew sick of me. My brain told me my friends would be tired I wasn’t moving forward. This can all be terrifying, the feeling of falling into a void or drowning and you can’t escape no matter what you do, each day you get sucked deeper. Everything you once enjoyed doesn’t have any colour. Its this void that I’ve been in and come out of , it was mainly ‘B’ and my family who eventually pulled me out. But I had to take the step by reaching out to those I knew would understand and not just say get over it. I’m proof you can get out of that spell. I’m not saying it’s left me entirely it’s there and I’m working on it, but I’m not in that dark void in depths of water struggling to hold onp. Because I’ve accepted I need help and I’ve accepted help from people who care about my mental health.

It took one text to start the chain of events which has brought me here. I hope that gives you some hope bro , I really do.

@sammy1 Stop being a troublemaker and it’s okay if you hated me, don’t need your approval!😝 See how far I’ve come ahaha. I think ‘B’ has got me all fired up today.

Or maybe the humour is being used to disguise discussing the truth…

I wrote that to @Jay2023 because depression is not spoken about in men, a few weeks ago we had an honest conversation and it made me accept it and recognise I wasn’t alone. There’s a much greater stigma with men, I blame toxic masculinity.

I find it difficult to take myself back to that place but if it helps someone reading or @Jay2023, I will be vulnerable with my emotions and journey.

I didn’t admit to what was happening, I was already ashamed of being dumped on top I felt disgusted for being weak, unable to cope. So I passed it off as normal heartbreak but it wasn’t. It was something much darker.

For a very long time I didn’t know my own identity. I struggled, I appeased to fit into different crowds. When the person I had felt love for the very first time rejected me and that love, that too with my best friend it just culminated and triggered something terrible which had been brewing for number of years. Those intrusive thoughts that used to creep in when I was younger just flooded me.

It was like someone screaming you’re shit, you’re worthless on repeat and then you go numb.

The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum. The world was moving further and further away or maybe I was sinking deeper. It was scary. I didn’t think I would ever feel the happy feels again or “normal”. On top of this my brother was desperately ill. I literally lost my wingman, my brother was ill and parents were wracked with worry for him. I’d lost a partner to lean on too. That voice just grew louder. You’re weak! You’re selfish! Etc.

I went on dating apps, part of it was so I could fill the void of losing the ex and mostly to feel something, anything, even if it was to expel anger or get revenge for the way the ex had treated me as advised by my company at the time. But the sex was hollow, I was treating people unkindly; justifying the exchange. I was unavailable and distant because I was completely lost. I was attracting insecure or unstable women who gave me sex right away because they thought it would bag the “bad boy” The sex was entirely hollow I’m ashamed to say I felt nothing other than it being a means to an end at the time. Doing this just fed that voice even more, I did perpetuate a toxic cycle and I regret that. I should never have been on the apps.

Then I stumbled across my angel and met ‘B’ in that moment everything began to change. What first was a sudden feeling of being a schoolboy again and being very sexually attracted turned into something remarkable. Her intuition knew I was broken, she had this natural ability to draw me out. I wanted to desperately talk to her but then find myself unable to press send. Eventually her light began to drive out my darkness, her empathy and emotional understanding made me feel emotions again. Her support for me encouraged me to push that bit harder against the voice, that feeling of warmth from an emotional connection with another person was something I thought I’d never have again, the hopelessness began to lift. She was seriously sent to me by God as an Angel on earth, I have always appreciated what she did for me and that’s why it is painful to recall how I hurt her.

But feeling something real again as I’ve learned triggered my attachment style. What was a beautiful kind woman who was available, secure and expressive. I let my fears distort into something different. From feeling numb I began to swing from emotion to emotion unable to get a grasp or control. I felt joy and ease to be around her, I felt incredibly excited by the chemistry but then felt smothered because what did she see in me? What was her game? What was she after? There was a constant fear of she was fooling me, she was just pitying me, she would leave me like my ex etc a spiral of this began. It was just too much because I didn’t have the tools to cope so I pushed her away. This obviously confused and hurt her, some would say it was a mind fuck.

She walked away and I’m actually grateful she did. If she had stayed longer we would never have reunited. I think although she is mentally resilient, she’s human, I would have destroyed her as a person and left her feeling unworthy by wearing her down even further with my actions and behaviour to the point she like many other intelligent women felt trapped in the cycle so put up with it.

When she left she was so compassionate, which stung even more. It made me feel bitter, I selfishly convinced myself she was the one who had given up and abandoned me. I was right about her and she wasn’t worth it. So I hopped straight into another relationship determined at least to not mess up, I worked harder but the darkness started to creep back in. I felt hollow again and I knew I needed to start healing and looking inwardly.

It was here I was sick of destroying everyone and everything I love for my selfish choices and inability to face the truth. It was torturing me. I did a lot of inner work. The more work I did the more it highlighted how much I lost in ‘B’ but then I couldn’t find the courage.

When I first posted here I was determined not to fall back into the bottom of that void that ‘B’ had pulled me out of. I also didn’t want to highlight that I had been depressed because I knew despite feeling so lost I was still accountable for my actions. But I gave a bit of background so I wouldn’t be annihilated as I had done on other forums. I was just reduced to a fuckboy, a narcissist and player. I wanted someone to understand and help me retrieve what I had lost with ‘B’. You all were amazing. It solidified my decision and gave me the push to fight for her and at least make amends properly to an amazing person.

The rest you know. So I’m not in that dark place I was but I know I haven’t completely eradicated it, if that’s even possible. I’m more self aware, I’m determined to never ever take ‘B’ for granted. I’m determined to love from a place of wholeness. I’m learning to harness my emotions more efficiently and combat that voice that tells me I’m a failure at times and not let it suck me back into that void. I’m achieving this by not self pitying but self loving. I have a second chance with an incredible woman so I don’t want depression to steal my future. I’m not going to let it.

So thats why I sympathise with @Jay2023. I know what its like to feel so overwhelmed with swinging emotions and feeling weighed down. You begin to sometimes believe no one deserves to be brought down by your negative aura and energy so drawback but this just pulls you deeper into that void. You end up pushing away those you actually desperately want or need but it’s like you exist in a different realm and even if you want to, you can’t quite find the strength or words to reconnect with those who care, even though they are right there.

But all I can say is, if someone is reaching out they don’t care about the darkness. They want to help. They want to try at least to add colour back to your world. And being able to makes them feel helpless more than anything because they love and care about you. So if you think you’re going to hurt them and they don’t deserve you “bringing them down” you’re wrong. It hurts more for them to be shut out. I’ve discussed this with ‘B’ and she made me promise no matter how dark the thoughts get, I’m never alone.

I didn’t realise how hard this would be to open up about. I started off writing with a spring in my step but feel rather drained. I hope it gives an insight into what it’s like. I still don’t quite understand whether its a chemical deficit or overload or whether I just didn’t develop the right for coping. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

@Dannydan Troublemaker? ME? Never lol!

I do apologise for the slight delay in my usually prompt responses. I saw the notifications but I’ve had women issues not that you boys would care 😭

I don’t even know where to start ,wow, reading that made me feel overwhelmed, can’t imagine how tough that must have been to face then to lso reopen. I just want to reach out and give you a big bear hug.

Naturally having had a shared experience of heartbreak I can understand but the feelings you described sound so frightening. I’m really happy you found this thread big shout out to @Shelbyville (I wish she came back and gave an update) I think knowing where a person is at can give other’s perspective, sometimes hope and sometimes not feeling so alone even if things are not good.

Those words are going to resonate with so many readers and I’m so glad you shared it. Thank you for being vulnerable and informing us on exactly what depression can feel like. I hope it comforts those reading who suffer like @Jay2023 (please post to let us know how you are!)

@Rhaenys was clearly touched by your post too. I loved her ending quote. It was beautiful 😪 you got that now so good it tight no matter what!

God works in mysterious ways and I know you had this conversation with @Shelbyville in reference to the concept of journeymate. I think you really derived more meaning from that concept than any one of us would. Two souls don’t just cross paths by accident, I am spiritual and God sent her for you. Her reason was greater than you recognised at first, you always knew this deep down, and when you started paying attention to your own soul. You realised that you weren’t a fuckboy, you weren’t a player. You weren’t just meant to meet and touch each other like pervs 😝 your souls went one step beyond and the love was powerful enough to motivate you to do the self work and have a true awakening that pulled you out of the darkness.

Your ego, depression, anxiety were all conquered when you decided to fight for her. So you have the grit to fight the remnants of this disease that you described as insidious. You can find the tools to cope because you already harnessed your fear once before with great courage when you made amends and then loved her with the wholeness you have. So keep loving, believing from that place.

What struck me the most was how in all this struggle and pain you still wanted to take accountability and didn’t tell us those feelings that were haunting you. So in one sense you didn’t let the depression, heartbreak, anxiety be an excuse. You faced the consequences of your behaviour even though they weren’t from a place of evil just a place of you being lost and hurt.

I think admitting it and facing it head on is going to really change a lot for you. You’re determined and you are willing to change. I can’t say this enough but I’m so proud of you Danny

I’m more proud that you don’t feel like a weak man for expressing your emotions. I’m proud you’re able to admit that darkness was depression. If those fears troubles you to that same extent. I feel you will reach out and seek help. You really have come an extraordinary long way. Well done!

I’m excited and rooting for you and ‘B’, she is amazing and I know she is very loved too. I’m probably just as excited to see you cross the line and celebrate your union by popping the Cork🍾 and the cherry 🍒. Lol! Roll on wedding fever!

@Rhaenys darling you’re doing great too! I’m glad Danny grew on both of us. It was a very useful insight, that you never really know what’s happening inside a person psyche. That’s why communication and expression of emotion is so vital for sustainable relationships.

I also want to say I didn’t have these layers,  I had addiction, I had the initial anxiety and feeling of I’ll never survive and wanting to commit suicide but I snapped out of that relatively quickly at that time because there was a poster Dose of Reality who sadly was terminal and said a lot of hard truths, there was initial shame but it just happened to resonate with me. I returned back to my faith with it being the pandemic and the self pitying began to lift because it is draining!

So I worked hard on my inner self and there were times I felt I was going backwards and I did slip thankfully this thread and my bestie helped me. I just wanted to do better, be better and have a better relationship that I knew I deserved. I can be very straightforward but I love from a very deep place and I realised that I wanted a person to love me unconditionally too. I realised I already had that person and that person was me.

Once you start self loving you appreciate and have gratitude for the right people. Just like Danny he had to look inwardly before he could accept ‘B’s’ love otherwise they would be in a continuous loop and toxic. So keep doing work. Work never ends x

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Sammy.

I think the overwhelming opinion is no one liked me on here, well at least not the ladies ahaha. I will not put you on the spot @Jay2023 and ask for your initial impressions! But bro it’s good to hear from you! I’ll leave it to Sammy to give you the dressing down for your disappearance. I knew you probably needed time to reconfigure but women! Actually to be upfront before Sammy has a field day, i was very concerned about you too, if I’d known you’re sound, I could have avoided writing my autobiography!

What’s happening? All in your own good time though bro. Sounds like you’ve knuckled down and done a full 180! It’s good to hear you sound healthier and haven’t allowed yourself to sink into that dreaded void.

I could be wrong but as a fellow lad I’d be willing to wager a bet, I think someone special has caught your eye if you’re over your ex to that extent given where you were! If that’s the case mate all I’ll say is don’t let swing of emotions confuse you or fear stop you! Carpe diem! Have courage to grab your happiness. Look forward to your update, fingers crossed whatever it is or you’re unsure about works out well for you bro and its not long before we hear back from you!

@Rhaenys Really glad me sharing my journey has had a positive effect on you and I was touched by your words, especially the last bit. I think everyone deserves that comfort and knowing they are loved. It’s uplifting to know we have all got our own individual wounds but heartbreak really is universal. It makes us all stronger!

You make sure you take care of your human too and not give up. Fears are what hold us back don’t give into them.

@Sammy1 Thank you for saying you’re proud. Everytime I hear that it gives me a buzz. Throughout life I barely heard it as a guy from anyone other than parents but I think it makes a huge difference in knowing you are making others proud.

What you wrote in reference to soulmates was very moving but then you had me splurt out my coffee this morning too! Not just two pervs touching each other? You’re hilarious mate! Ahaha!

I cross my heart and hope to die. I’m going to love ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

I’ve never framed it like that myself, but you’re right it took a lot to take that first step to resist against the fear of rejection, the ego, the depression and fight for her but I did! I will make a mental note of that and when I become stuck remind myself I have the courage and I have already overridden the voice. Very useful point!

I’m not even going to comment on the cork and cherry but bring it on! Ahahaha! Although fingers cross this Indian strain doesn’t throw a spanner in the works for the wedding. Covid is a nightmare to plan around!

Therapy session 2 was only 30 mins yesterday, I had to cut it short ended up with a conflicting schedule. We discussed the techniques to develop more grounded thoughts when met with an emotion that feels overwhelming and behaviour activation. It was brief but I think it will help, I think the first session alone has done a lot. I like the therapist isn’t rigid, she’s flexible to park a thought if I’m not ready and come back to it or work on something else. She said between 6-8 sessions I should make headway but it was down to me really how quick or slow that progress is. Let’s see!

@Sammy1 Morning! Yes Ma’am! Thank you mate. I will try not to get stuck in that loop.

Fauxapologise? ahaha is that even a real word? But I’m listening and thanks for always keeping it real. I have to admit I’m sensitive at times especially with new people, I don’t want to disappoint them like I’ve disappointed my loved ones.

Congrats mate, it’s always a complete fuzzy warmth engulfing feeling when you hear it the first time and in your heart you can tell the love for you is genuine.

Did you say it back? But don’t worry if you haven’t because it’s better to be honest with him about your feelings like you are and continue your vulnerability, let him know that you do care for him, but you don’t love him (yet).

There is nothing wrong with that, confession of love shouldn’t be made as an obligation.

I remember with ‘C’ she said I love you 4 months in, in my heart I knew from experience it was rushed, more infatuation. I wasn’t feeling it yet, old Danny would have probably lied and said it back and gone along for the ride, but instead it made me reassess everything. I could have been selfish and continue to enjoy the benefits but I knew deep down I needed more from a relationship. Putting an end to it here was better than dragging it on for time. So although a dick previously to ‘B’ I had already taken so much away from my time with her and undertaken so much growth,  and done the right thing this time around at least.

Your boyfriend, I think he sounds like a top lad and by your recent energy and aura, I think you two are on an upwards trajectory fingers crossed.

I have some really happy news to report too. Cool uncle in the house! First time and I’m so excited to hold my nephew! After what my bro went through, to see him with his little lad healthy and thriving has made me want to explode with joy. It’s made both B and I so broody, I think cousins around the same age would be amazing! She has such a natural ability,  I know she’s going to be an awesome mum!

B is B. She powers on, the situation surrounding her doesn’t seem to be affecting her but I’m looking out for the subtlest hint and ready to support her in anyway. If the Indian strain postpones our efforts, doesn’t bother me much ahaha – as long as we tie the knot. Her parents have given us their approval to have a smaller one and civil with 30 guests. Then do all the other events and larger reception for family when possible. This green lights everything, I think they realise we both have the itch ahaha. B certainly has found it more difficult since that incident. I kind of like that the tables have turned but it certainly turns me on even more 🤣

The jibes are still there, even though I have made it so that she is blissfully unaware, just knowing I am her priority has been enough to not let me get overwhelmed. Progress?

Also my offer was accepted, I was quietly confident as the owners are after a quick sell. Just waiting on the survey and hoping that doesn’t throw any spanners in the work. Should I gift it before the big day or on the wedding night? Any suggestions @Jay2023 @Sammy1? Male vs. Female perspective please!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Danny.

SAMMY! I could kiss you! I love that idea. Scabies? I haven’t brought a seedy bedsit. Visited often enough to know the place is in very good nick. It just needs modernisation the decor is a bit dated, but it has the potential to extend to make profit so if she really doesn’t like it. That’s ok too. I’ll do it as a project instead. We had to both extend our leases for our pads in London anyway because we couldn’t find a place before. So we have somewhere to stay. Your idea has swept me away too. What is Pinterest?

I couldn’t help but laugh, it almost sounds like you’re more excited at the prospect of cementing your relationship with your bff then your man ahaha.

You’re again as always on the money. Experience is what makes us more self aware. My  therapist is getting me to utilise this awareness in a more positive way. I have just come back from a very productive session this morning. She taught me about the cycle, how our thoughts create feelings. Feelings create behaviour and our behaviour reinforces our thoughts. So the sooner you intercept a negative thought the less likely you are to fall into a negative loop which leads to depression. She has asked me to note take on my phone every hour, before our next session so she has a better idea of what type of behaviours affect my mood. Whether I will stick to that I don’t know ahaha. We spoke about my ex again today and some of the questions she asked made me cry especially those focused around self blame. I wasn’t expecting that. I felt embarrassed at first by the end I felt comfortable for the tears to fall and let go. I love ‘B’ with all my heart but there are some feelings the therapist said is okay to keep for yourself. I think I’m filling those gaps finally and will be coming to ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

@Jay2023 have you had therapy yet? It’s actually great bro so I hope yours comes through fast!

@Sammy1 I’m very sorry didn’t realise I didn’t @ you. Don’t worry, I will not hold it against you if you don’t reply promptly. I think both of us are now in a relatively good place so no urgency.

I’m up to my eyeballs in financial commitments, please ma’am can I give you an IOU instead for the rights? ahahaha. If not times are hard, I’m stealing it anyway!

You’re seriously so funny mate for a woman 👀! Shedding skin? Ahaha are you sure you haven’t merged two programmes 🤮 Gives the OCD in me the shivers.

I’ll refrain from the Pinterest comment I used my daily quota above.

You’re so insightful, first love is exactly that! I enjoyed reading that. In some ways I wish there was a guide when we fall in love the first time in others i think it takes falls to gain character and strength. You’re right we’ve both done the inner work first and then committed to the right person for us,  otherwise I could see us being among the statistic who out of desperation or fear to settle invent love!

I hope you are happy with your progress too. I’m going to be quieter over the new few months. Please keep your fingers crossed the new strain doesn’t delay the 21st June day of freedom. I want ‘B’ to have her special day just as she desires even though I’ll be squirming throughout most of it!

@Jay2023 if you need me bro like Sammy says @ us and we will reply.