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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #379975
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys if the guy is not working on improving his communication and meeting you halfway don’t waste your time. It’s so early in the dating phase too. It’s hard when you want to be in a loving relationship and with someone, but you don’t want to settle just because everyone is loved up.

    Just try and remember your core needs and check in with yourself – do I enjoy this persons company when I’m with him am I smiling, laughing and does he make an effort to add to my happiness? If he is making you anxious and miserable ask yourself is it my own fears or is he just not meeting my needs? Have a checklist of core needs that you’ve learned from past relationships that are mandatory for you. When I checked ‘B’ against it when I was fearful I would be brought back to reality and out of my own head. It might sound weird but men are very logical and going a pros and cons weigh up is great when you have anxiety and can’t figure out if it’s fear or the person.

    • Affectionate
    • Acceptance
    • Trust
    • Kind and caring
    • Priority
    • Effort


    @Sammy1
    thank you for that extensive essay on my emotional manipulation and stonewalling tendencies ahaha, I’ve decided to follow the articles advice and just hit you in the face with my balls and ignore addressing it 😅 😂 🤣

    Seriously though mate, I appreciate the time and energy it must take to put your posts together. Touched even if your posts sometimes are hard truths.

    I do wonder if you’re a psychologist yourself and how the heck you lost yourself in your last relationship? You’re just too on the money with your insight. I’m glad you don’t think I’m a narcissist. I know you hated me at first and if I’m being honest, your first post to me was fair and restrained given my actions, but I wouldn’t say I took a liking to you instantly either ahaha. I was looking for sympathy at the time and @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville were much more sympathetic but you’ve really been a superstar and I hope you know I’ve grown so much more because of your honesty and insight.

    I can’t disagree with anything you wrote. The therapist didn’t outright say you are a manipulator. With poking and prodding she coaxed it out of me like so when you received the message what were your immediate feelings? Then it led from there. She phrased it as such like can you see how this behaviour can be deemed manipulative. I think I like her because she isn’t going to coddle me and I don’t need that. I need answers and I need methods to get my act together. Next session is in a few days. Part of me now that I’m purchasing the house and wedding expenses cries a little I’m forking out £200 quid per hour because I don’t have the skills to cope with my emotions but I’m hoping it is worth the investment. She was kind enough to give me the last hour free.

    The whole humanitarian crisis in Palestine is actually humbling and puts our woes into context.

    Martin Luther King said; ” In the end we will not remember the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.”

    This quote transcends time, saying nothing and not acknowledging a situations is the most painful thing you can do. It applies not only to the larger crisis but our day to day actions too.

    I was at the March on Saturday again in London, so it feels good to be a voice to the voiceless. It shows how we as humans shouldn’t lose sight of caring and looking our for one another. ‘B’ being the ever supportive wifey reminds me it’s okay to have personal problems, I shouldn’t negate them it’s part of life, that I don’t need to shame myself as long as I’m taking action to rectify the issues and I’m being active in improving my life. So I’m glad I haven’t as previous fell into a spiral of shame and self loathing.

    I’m glad the resilience article was useful to you. It’s nice to be able to help in return. So happy your new bf is treating you the way you really do deserve. He sounds like a gent!


    @Jay2023
    I’ve been thinking of you, although Sammy is right in her observations maybe it isn’t what you’re ready to hear just yet hence your subduedness. I know how depression works, and I thought I’d remind you to stay strong bro. A book that helped me is  Untangle your anxiety and most of all just talking mate. Talking to those who cared enough to be patient, talking to the therapist again not going to prod you too much you know where we are.

    #379976
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 only because I see you in me somewhat. I’m going to write out something very personal to me which I hope makes you realise you’re not alone.

    When I felt really low, combination of the heartbreak and not knowing my own identity, I would spend hours gaming and playing snooker but one day even that wasn’t enough to distract from my inner turmoil. I would then sit and write a text for ‘B’ trying to word and explain to her but not even knowing how to or where to begin. I felt a burden, so instead I ignored her, pushed her away but she was one of the very few who actually intuitively understood and would have done anything to help. I wish I had reached out sooner, I wish I had learned talking is better. Withdrawing just left me alone with my intrusive thoughts and I ended up hurting me, her and my family. My brain tried to tell me I was better off without ‘B’ and she would be happier without me bringing her down with my issues. My brain tried to tell me my family had grew sick of me. My brain told me my friends would be tired I wasn’t moving forward. This can all be terrifying, the feeling of falling into a void or drowning and you can’t escape no matter what you do, each day you get sucked deeper. Everything you once enjoyed doesn’t have any colour. Its this void that I’ve been in and come out of , it was mainly ‘B’ and my family who eventually pulled me out. But I had to take the step by reaching out to those I knew would understand and not just say get over it. I’m proof you can get out of that spell. I’m not saying it’s left me entirely it’s there and I’m working on it, but I’m not in that dark void in depths of water struggling to hold onp. Because I’ve accepted I need help and I’ve accepted help from people who care about my mental health.

    It took one text to start the chain of events which has brought me here. I hope that gives you some hope bro , I really do.

    #379995
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan good job you decided against hitting your balls in my face, would have to report you and what would your wifey say? 😝 LOL!

    I have a bestie who has a background in psychology and I’ve done a lot of self improvement to get here. Experience is the best way to learn! Put it all together and I’m less of mess I once was. Also so much easier to be objective with others.

    Aww Danny I didn’t hate you at all, sometimes I think without tone, body language, my posts must come across as cold but that’s not the case, I do care and want you to be happy. Initially I wasn’t enamored by you or should I say your behaviour, I drew parallels with my own pain and it just refreshed it all. But I think you’re such a good hearted person. I’m really proud of how far you’ve come.

    Don’t worry about the money if therapy is working then it’s money well spent. Health is wealth!

    ‘B’ is right it’s not like your own problems disappear when there are greater problems in the world. But you can be inspired by the resilience and courage of those oppressed, make positive changes, improve your own life because life is challenging and we need to be strong to conquer the obstacles. We also need to cherish the life given to us as it’s all too short.

    Danny, I just want to say that last post to @Jay2023 really was heartbreaking to read. Thank you for sharing because I honestly didn’t realise how much despair you felt within yourself. You’ve never really spoken about that in depth and always only highlighted the mistakes you made and because you’re intelligent and self aware the bad behaviour was frustrating to witness. But there was another layer to your pain that I honestly didn’t realise and I’m so so glad ‘B’ crossed your path, when you wrote your engagement speech about you being blindsided and not realising she was an Angel sent by God, all makes so much more sense now. She really was that light that pulled you out of your darkness and I’m so happy you found your way back to each other.


    @Jay2023
    I do think there’s truth in my observations but after reading Danny’s personal message for you it opened my eyes to depression and the timing of my post isn’t the best. So I want to say sorry if what I said felt overwhelming at a time you may be struggling in the same way Danny did. I’m here for you x

    #380035
    Danny
    Participant

    @sammy1 Stop being a troublemaker and it’s okay if you hated me, don’t need your approval!😝 See how far I’ve come ahaha. I think ‘B’ has got me all fired up today.

    Or maybe the humour is being used to disguise discussing the truth…

    I wrote that to @Jay2023 because depression is not spoken about in men, a few weeks ago we had an honest conversation and it made me accept it and recognise I wasn’t alone. There’s a much greater stigma with men, I blame toxic masculinity.

    I find it difficult to take myself back to that place but if it helps someone reading or @Jay2023, I will be vulnerable with my emotions and journey.

    I didn’t admit to what was happening, I was already ashamed of being dumped on top I felt disgusted for being weak, unable to cope. So I passed it off as normal heartbreak but it wasn’t. It was something much darker.

    For a very long time I didn’t know my own identity. I struggled, I appeased to fit into different crowds. When the person I had felt love for the very first time rejected me and that love, that too with my best friend it just culminated and triggered something terrible which had been brewing for number of years. Those intrusive thoughts that used to creep in when I was younger just flooded me.

    It was like someone screaming you’re shit, you’re worthless on repeat and then you go numb.

    The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum. The world was moving further and further away or maybe I was sinking deeper. It was scary. I didn’t think I would ever feel the happy feels again or “normal”. On top of this my brother was desperately ill. I literally lost my wingman, my brother was ill and parents were wracked with worry for him. I’d lost a partner to lean on too. That voice just grew louder. You’re weak! You’re selfish! Etc.

    I went on dating apps, part of it was so I could fill the void of losing the ex and mostly to feel something, anything, even if it was to expel anger or get revenge for the way the ex had treated me as advised by my company at the time. But the sex was hollow, I was treating people unkindly; justifying the exchange. I was unavailable and distant because I was completely lost. I was attracting insecure or unstable women who gave me sex right away because they thought it would bag the “bad boy” The sex was entirely hollow I’m ashamed to say I felt nothing other than it being a means to an end at the time. Doing this just fed that voice even more, I did perpetuate a toxic cycle and I regret that. I should never have been on the apps.

    Then I stumbled across my angel and met ‘B’ in that moment everything began to change. What first was a sudden feeling of being a schoolboy again and being very sexually attracted turned into something remarkable. Her intuition knew I was broken, she had this natural ability to draw me out. I wanted to desperately talk to her but then find myself unable to press send. Eventually her light began to drive out my darkness, her empathy and emotional understanding made me feel emotions again. Her support for me encouraged me to push that bit harder against the voice, that feeling of warmth from an emotional connection with another person was something I thought I’d never have again, the hopelessness began to lift. She was seriously sent to me by God as an Angel on earth, I have always appreciated what she did for me and that’s why it is painful to recall how I hurt her.

    But feeling something real again as I’ve learned triggered my attachment style. What was a beautiful kind woman who was available, secure and expressive. I let my fears distort into something different. From feeling numb I began to swing from emotion to emotion unable to get a grasp or control. I felt joy and ease to be around her, I felt incredibly excited by the chemistry but then felt smothered because what did she see in me? What was her game? What was she after? There was a constant fear of she was fooling me, she was just pitying me, she would leave me like my ex etc a spiral of this began. It was just too much because I didn’t have the tools to cope so I pushed her away. This obviously confused and hurt her, some would say it was a mind fuck.

    She walked away and I’m actually grateful she did. If she had stayed longer we would never have reunited. I think although she is mentally resilient, she’s human, I would have destroyed her as a person and left her feeling unworthy by wearing her down even further with my actions and behaviour to the point she like many other intelligent women felt trapped in the cycle so put up with it.

    When she left she was so compassionate, which stung even more. It made me feel bitter, I selfishly convinced myself she was the one who had given up and abandoned me. I was right about her and she wasn’t worth it. So I hopped straight into another relationship determined at least to not mess up, I worked harder but the darkness started to creep back in. I felt hollow again and I knew I needed to start healing and looking inwardly.

    It was here I was sick of destroying everyone and everything I love for my selfish choices and inability to face the truth. It was torturing me. I did a lot of inner work. The more work I did the more it highlighted how much I lost in ‘B’ but then I couldn’t find the courage.

    When I first posted here I was determined not to fall back into the bottom of that void that ‘B’ had pulled me out of. I also didn’t want to highlight that I had been depressed because I knew despite feeling so lost I was still accountable for my actions. But I gave a bit of background so I wouldn’t be annihilated as I had done on other forums. I was just reduced to a fuckboy, a narcissist and player. I wanted someone to understand and help me retrieve what I had lost with ‘B’. You all were amazing. It solidified my decision and gave me the push to fight for her and at least make amends properly to an amazing person.

    The rest you know. So I’m not in that dark place I was but I know I haven’t completely eradicated it, if that’s even possible. I’m more self aware, I’m determined to never ever take ‘B’ for granted. I’m determined to love from a place of wholeness. I’m learning to harness my emotions more efficiently and combat that voice that tells me I’m a failure at times and not let it suck me back into that void. I’m achieving this by not self pitying but self loving. I have a second chance with an incredible woman so I don’t want depression to steal my future. I’m not going to let it.

    So thats why I sympathise with @Jay2023. I know what its like to feel so overwhelmed with swinging emotions and feeling weighed down. You begin to sometimes believe no one deserves to be brought down by your negative aura and energy so drawback but this just pulls you deeper into that void. You end up pushing away those you actually desperately want or need but it’s like you exist in a different realm and even if you want to, you can’t quite find the strength or words to reconnect with those who care, even though they are right there.

    But all I can say is, if someone is reaching out they don’t care about the darkness. They want to help. They want to try at least to add colour back to your world. And being able to makes them feel helpless more than anything because they love and care about you. So if you think you’re going to hurt them and they don’t deserve you “bringing them down” you’re wrong. It hurts more for them to be shut out. I’ve discussed this with ‘B’ and she made me promise no matter how dark the thoughts get, I’m never alone.

    I didn’t realise how hard this would be to open up about. I started off writing with a spring in my step but feel rather drained. I hope it gives an insight into what it’s like. I still don’t quite understand whether its a chemical deficit or overload or whether I just didn’t develop the right for coping. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

    #380038
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello. I really loved your last posts here.


    @Dannydan
    , I must admit I haven’t liked you at first, expecially since I’ve felt I experienced from my ex a bit similar like you described you did with B. But you grew on me, a lot. I really appreciate your posts here, and I admit I like you. And.. all those things you did because you were hurt before. And now that I read your posts and you mentioning how you were annihilated on other forums.. I’m really glad posters here had heart and acceptance for you.

    I think both you and @Sammy1 are wonderful here, trying help Jay and me.

    I think that break up and rejection hits us hard. We all have some issues, maybe some more some less.. But those of us who want partner and companionship, and who were the ones who gave more… it hurts us. I think that happened to Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Tim, and all other posters, including us for here now. I’ve been reading older posts, and everyone mentioned same things about how they feel, mood swings, better and worse days,”I’m afraid no one will love me again”. Actually I’ve been reading your posts from last year Sammy, and the changes you went give me hope, I really admire how you did it, you are so strong.

    I also really felt I found myself in Danny’s words today:

    “The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum.”

    And I’ve been mentioning all this because I think this is some parts is normal after breakups, especially for those of us who want to be partnered and have a family (I specifically remember Shelbyville, Kkasxo, Jay and me mentioning that, and mentioning our age – as this is bothering me a lot). And sometimes I feel like we who suffer so much have  problem with ourselves, like we have to fix ourselves. And yes, we can always work on ourselves, to be better, more open and vulnerable.. But we are not broken.  (There is actually and article on tinnybuddha today about this: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-life-changing-insight-you-are-not-a-problem-to-be-fixed/). Because sometimes I get a felling we are…But I think the point is to accept who we are and what we feel, not to “fix us”. And I think we are worthy of love and much better partners then we had. Some pain after breakup, if we cared is normal, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves because of that. (I think it’s another thing if it lasts for years and years).

    So that is my message to @Jay2023 and all of us today… As maybe my English language skills are in my way so I can’t express myself the best, I’ll qoute that article I mentioned from today:

    “The truth is…

    You are not a problem to fix.

    You are a human to be held.

    To be held in your own arms and loved into wholeness.

    Take care of your human.”

    #380115
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan Troublemaker? ME? Never lol!

    I do apologise for the slight delay in my usually prompt responses. I saw the notifications but I’ve had women issues not that you boys would care 😭

    I don’t even know where to start ,wow, reading that made me feel overwhelmed, can’t imagine how tough that must have been to face then to lso reopen. I just want to reach out and give you a big bear hug.

    Naturally having had a shared experience of heartbreak I can understand but the feelings you described sound so frightening. I’m really happy you found this thread big shout out to @Shelbyville (I wish she came back and gave an update) I think knowing where a person is at can give other’s perspective, sometimes hope and sometimes not feeling so alone even if things are not good.

    Those words are going to resonate with so many readers and I’m so glad you shared it. Thank you for being vulnerable and informing us on exactly what depression can feel like. I hope it comforts those reading who suffer like @Jay2023 (please post to let us know how you are!)


    @Rhaenys
    was clearly touched by your post too. I loved her ending quote. It was beautiful 😪 you got that now so good it tight no matter what!

    God works in mysterious ways and I know you had this conversation with @Shelbyville in reference to the concept of journeymate. I think you really derived more meaning from that concept than any one of us would. Two souls don’t just cross paths by accident, I am spiritual and God sent her for you. Her reason was greater than you recognised at first, you always knew this deep down, and when you started paying attention to your own soul. You realised that you weren’t a fuckboy, you weren’t a player. You weren’t just meant to meet and touch each other like pervs 😝 your souls went one step beyond and the love was powerful enough to motivate you to do the self work and have a true awakening that pulled you out of the darkness.

    Your ego, depression, anxiety were all conquered when you decided to fight for her. So you have the grit to fight the remnants of this disease that you described as insidious. You can find the tools to cope because you already harnessed your fear once before with great courage when you made amends and then loved her with the wholeness you have. So keep loving, believing from that place.

    What struck me the most was how in all this struggle and pain you still wanted to take accountability and didn’t tell us those feelings that were haunting you. So in one sense you didn’t let the depression, heartbreak, anxiety be an excuse. You faced the consequences of your behaviour even though they weren’t from a place of evil just a place of you being lost and hurt.

    I think admitting it and facing it head on is going to really change a lot for you. You’re determined and you are willing to change. I can’t say this enough but I’m so proud of you Danny

    I’m more proud that you don’t feel like a weak man for expressing your emotions. I’m proud you’re able to admit that darkness was depression. If those fears troubles you to that same extent. I feel you will reach out and seek help. You really have come an extraordinary long way. Well done!

    I’m excited and rooting for you and ‘B’, she is amazing and I know she is very loved too. I’m probably just as excited to see you cross the line and celebrate your union by popping the Cork🍾 and the cherry 🍒. Lol! Roll on wedding fever!


    @Rhaenys
    darling you’re doing great too! I’m glad Danny grew on both of us. It was a very useful insight, that you never really know what’s happening inside a person psyche. That’s why communication and expression of emotion is so vital for sustainable relationships.

    I also want to say I didn’t have these layers,  I had addiction, I had the initial anxiety and feeling of I’ll never survive and wanting to commit suicide but I snapped out of that relatively quickly at that time because there was a poster Dose of Reality who sadly was terminal and said a lot of hard truths, there was initial shame but it just happened to resonate with me. I returned back to my faith with it being the pandemic and the self pitying began to lift because it is draining!

    So I worked hard on my inner self and there were times I felt I was going backwards and I did slip thankfully this thread and my bestie helped me. I just wanted to do better, be better and have a better relationship that I knew I deserved. I can be very straightforward but I love from a very deep place and I realised that I wanted a person to love me unconditionally too. I realised I already had that person and that person was me.

    Once you start self loving you appreciate and have gratitude for the right people. Just like Danny he had to look inwardly before he could accept ‘B’s’ love otherwise they would be in a continuous loop and toxic. So keep doing work. Work never ends x

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by Sammy.
    #380134
    Jay
    Participant

    Evening guys, first and foremost I’m really sorry for not replying I’ve been following your posts and I’m really humbled by the tagging and you thinking of me and what’s going on, I feel a bit guilty for just disappearing but I’ve had a lot going on with all sorts of things and just not had a chance to go into detail about everything, I want to let you know I’m in a really good place at the moment mentally, I’ve got out of the hole I was in and really making progress with my own happiness and how I’m moving forward, I will go into detail once things that are happening right now have developed and I can be more clearer about things, also I want yous to know I’ve really turned a corner in regards to my ex and I’m barely thinking zbout her now so time and events have helped me move on further, in fact if she was to contact me now I would have zero interest in having a in depth conversation, anyway that’s all for now I promise I will post a more in depth update about my life when I’m ready to, I’m just a bit unsure on things at the moment.

    I really hope you are guys are all well and everything is good!

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by Jay.
    #380150
    Danny
    Participant

    I think the overwhelming opinion is no one liked me on here, well at least not the ladies ahaha. I will not put you on the spot @Jay2023 and ask for your initial impressions! But bro it’s good to hear from you! I’ll leave it to Sammy to give you the dressing down for your disappearance. I knew you probably needed time to reconfigure but women! Actually to be upfront before Sammy has a field day, i was very concerned about you too, if I’d known you’re sound, I could have avoided writing my autobiography!

    What’s happening? All in your own good time though bro. Sounds like you’ve knuckled down and done a full 180! It’s good to hear you sound healthier and haven’t allowed yourself to sink into that dreaded void.

    I could be wrong but as a fellow lad I’d be willing to wager a bet, I think someone special has caught your eye if you’re over your ex to that extent given where you were! If that’s the case mate all I’ll say is don’t let swing of emotions confuse you or fear stop you! Carpe diem! Have courage to grab your happiness. Look forward to your update, fingers crossed whatever it is or you’re unsure about works out well for you bro and its not long before we hear back from you!


    @Rhaenys
    Really glad me sharing my journey has had a positive effect on you and I was touched by your words, especially the last bit. I think everyone deserves that comfort and knowing they are loved. It’s uplifting to know we have all got our own individual wounds but heartbreak really is universal. It makes us all stronger!

    You make sure you take care of your human too and not give up. Fears are what hold us back don’t give into them.


    @Sammy1
    Thank you for saying you’re proud. Everytime I hear that it gives me a buzz. Throughout life I barely heard it as a guy from anyone other than parents but I think it makes a huge difference in knowing you are making others proud.

    What you wrote in reference to soulmates was very moving but then you had me splurt out my coffee this morning too! Not just two pervs touching each other? You’re hilarious mate! Ahaha!

    I cross my heart and hope to die. I’m going to love ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

    I’ve never framed it like that myself, but you’re right it took a lot to take that first step to resist against the fear of rejection, the ego, the depression and fight for her but I did! I will make a mental note of that and when I become stuck remind myself I have the courage and I have already overridden the voice. Very useful point!

    I’m not even going to comment on the cork and cherry but bring it on! Ahahaha! Although fingers cross this Indian strain doesn’t throw a spanner in the works for the wedding. Covid is a nightmare to plan around!

    Therapy session 2 was only 30 mins yesterday, I had to cut it short ended up with a conflicting schedule. We discussed the techniques to develop more grounded thoughts when met with an emotion that feels overwhelming and behaviour activation. It was brief but I think it will help, I think the first session alone has done a lot. I like the therapist isn’t rigid, she’s flexible to park a thought if I’m not ready and come back to it or work on something else. She said between 6-8 sessions I should make headway but it was down to me really how quick or slow that progress is. Let’s see!

    #380301
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Jay2023 I’m not going to play bad cop I’m very happy to just hear you are actually doing okay! Like I said just a message out of etiquette make a huge difference in allaying worry especially after that previous post and disappearing. @Dannydan stop being misogynistic, you were just as worried about him lol

    Jay, what is developing? I’m not going to assume but kind of agree with Danny, must be someome special diverting your usual track of thought. However whatever is going on I hope you too find this thread an anonymous place where we can be real without fear of judgement. It’s great you feel the rose tinted or idealised version of your ex has lifted enough for you to realise that relationship is not worth the mental torture. I do wonder if this is now a solid belief inside you or still fleeting feelings?

    I hope to catch up with you soon, please tag as I am less active on here. Would hate to leave you hanging!


    @Dannydan
    I’M TYPING IN CAPS TO DRIVE THIS POINT HOME: S.T.O.P fretting about your initial impression, your lasting impression on a person is what counts. I think @Jay2023 and all can attest to this. I am saddened to hear you men miss out on hearing compliments and pride expressed, something everyone deserves and needs.

    I believe as a man for you to have the courage to face your demons and attend therapy, be truthful with your emotions, then to also unreservedly make proper amends and take ownership of your actions is PROOF for how far you’ve come and who you really are!

    Just as a reminder and something you should really register is yes you made mistakes but we all do! We all screw up, do something we wish we could take back. The steps after all is said and done shows a person’s true character.
    A lot of people don’t own their shit.

    You didnt just hide behind your betrayal and depression as an excuse but took full ownership by explicitly state your wrongdoing and made restitution outright to ‘B’ face to face by asking what resolution she needed. This shows you’re not selfish or narcissistic.

    Those who are self absorbed or narcissistic FAUXapologise with false concessions. They may apologise but the liars they are it is always to serve their own interest and never backed up with restitution or real admittance.

    They focus on soothing their image so may “lovebomb” by showering the other with praise on how amazing the other person is, to manipulate empathy from the other person knowing they are likely to be forgiven without having to take a hit to their fragile egos.

    So I don’t know what behaviour activation is but ACTIVATE this: give yourself credit! Whenever you feel that pain for hurting her, your family or others then remember your ability to own your shit. You rectified the mistake in the right manner. You fully balanced the books by taking action. I don’t want to hear again that you think I or anyone else wasn’t impressed! Let it go.

    Remember when @Jay2023 joined the thread and you told him there will be many voices, you don’t have to listen to all the voices. Follow your own advice lol!

    I’m glad you get my humour, it’s lost on some! I bet you can’t wait and I’ll say a prayer and cross everything for you that the Indian Strain doesn’t delay you further.

    I think you’re so eager to grow and develop you will progress well so don’t give up on therapy. How is B? Are you coping better with the wedding prep and extended family jibes? I know you didn’t want to worry B but you can always unload here. Don’t internalise your stress or it will build up.

    I have some happy news to share, my bf said the three magic words today, I feel a bit giddy and I love him very much too. Ever since @Jay2023 fabulous message in bottle idea we have really been vulnerable with each other and more intimate. I think I’m ready to take bigger steps towards our future together.

    I feel like I finally have a person who sees me for what and who I am, he doesn’t want me to mould or change for him. I feel a freeing feeling when I’m with him. I feel he fully accepts me, he isn’t scared or shy to discuss my feelings. I don’t worry about having to work at something in case his feelings wear off like they did for my ex. I feel security. I’m so happy right now! I know it’s cheesy but I’m excited again.

    #380387
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 Morning! Yes Ma’am! Thank you mate. I will try not to get stuck in that loop.

    Fauxapologise? ahaha is that even a real word? But I’m listening and thanks for always keeping it real. I have to admit I’m sensitive at times especially with new people, I don’t want to disappoint them like I’ve disappointed my loved ones.

    Congrats mate, it’s always a complete fuzzy warmth engulfing feeling when you hear it the first time and in your heart you can tell the love for you is genuine.

    Did you say it back? But don’t worry if you haven’t because it’s better to be honest with him about your feelings like you are and continue your vulnerability, let him know that you do care for him, but you don’t love him (yet).

    There is nothing wrong with that, confession of love shouldn’t be made as an obligation.

    I remember with ‘C’ she said I love you 4 months in, in my heart I knew from experience it was rushed, more infatuation. I wasn’t feeling it yet, old Danny would have probably lied and said it back and gone along for the ride, but instead it made me reassess everything. I could have been selfish and continue to enjoy the benefits but I knew deep down I needed more from a relationship. Putting an end to it here was better than dragging it on for time. So although a dick previously to ‘B’ I had already taken so much away from my time with her and undertaken so much growth,  and done the right thing this time around at least.

    Your boyfriend, I think he sounds like a top lad and by your recent energy and aura, I think you two are on an upwards trajectory fingers crossed.

    I have some really happy news to report too. Cool uncle in the house! First time and I’m so excited to hold my nephew! After what my bro went through, to see him with his little lad healthy and thriving has made me want to explode with joy. It’s made both B and I so broody, I think cousins around the same age would be amazing! She has such a natural ability,  I know she’s going to be an awesome mum!

    B is B. She powers on, the situation surrounding her doesn’t seem to be affecting her but I’m looking out for the subtlest hint and ready to support her in anyway. If the Indian strain postpones our efforts, doesn’t bother me much ahaha – as long as we tie the knot. Her parents have given us their approval to have a smaller one and civil with 30 guests. Then do all the other events and larger reception for family when possible. This green lights everything, I think they realise we both have the itch ahaha. B certainly has found it more difficult since that incident. I kind of like that the tables have turned but it certainly turns me on even more 🤣

    The jibes are still there, even though I have made it so that she is blissfully unaware, just knowing I am her priority has been enough to not let me get overwhelmed. Progress?

    Also my offer was accepted, I was quietly confident as the owners are after a quick sell. Just waiting on the survey and hoping that doesn’t throw any spanners in the work. Should I gift it before the big day or on the wedding night? Any suggestions @Jay2023 @Sammy1? Male vs. Female perspective please!

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by Danny.
    #380389
    Sammy
    Participant

    Oh em gee! Awww @Dannydan everything is finally finally falling together for you. Massive congratulations on becoming an uncle, cool parts questionable though lol Awwww your brother must feel over the moon. I hope bubba and mummy are doing well!

    I did say it back ☺ I know it’s early but I really feel it and I know it’s not puppy love or infatuation. Like yours and B it’s been a slow burn. I feel security because we both have a deep understanding of what we want out of a relationship after our experiences. I think being with someone who has a strong identity and is emotionally intelligent to be aware enough to know their needs is another ball game. My ex I loved very very much. He was my first love but looking back I can see it was out of a different place, sometimes desperation. He had not matured enough to know his needs and wants in life. This relationship has been so different and feels meaningful. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I’m excited. My bestie could officially become my sister lol!

    I think your house purchase is fabulous and frightening all at the same time. Please prepare yourself for a slim chance of a no thank you!

    Put that aside, I’m now swept away by the idea of you surprising her on your wedding night. If you’re highly confident she will like the house. Then if you’re able to get it in time, it’s in good condition, empty and will not give you scabies lol and you want to make it dreamy, go on Pinterest for inspiration and recreate your original den date where you said it all came together and you realised you’re in love, like you did for engagement,  take elements and recreate it again, make it like a tradition for your anniversaries to come. You could make it so romantic and will be free to christen the place 😉, it will be just you and her. I would prefer that over a hotel suite for the night. So that’s my suggestion!

    Don’t know what @Jay2023 thinks as a man! How are you Jay? You doing okay?

    #380390
    Danny
    Participant

    SAMMY! I could kiss you! I love that idea. Scabies? I haven’t brought a seedy bedsit. Visited often enough to know the place is in very good nick. It just needs modernisation the decor is a bit dated, but it has the potential to extend to make profit so if she really doesn’t like it. That’s ok too. I’ll do it as a project instead. We had to both extend our leases for our pads in London anyway because we couldn’t find a place before. So we have somewhere to stay. Your idea has swept me away too. What is Pinterest?

    I couldn’t help but laugh, it almost sounds like you’re more excited at the prospect of cementing your relationship with your bff then your man ahaha.

    You’re again as always on the money. Experience is what makes us more self aware. My  therapist is getting me to utilise this awareness in a more positive way. I have just come back from a very productive session this morning. She taught me about the cycle, how our thoughts create feelings. Feelings create behaviour and our behaviour reinforces our thoughts. So the sooner you intercept a negative thought the less likely you are to fall into a negative loop which leads to depression. She has asked me to note take on my phone every hour, before our next session so she has a better idea of what type of behaviours affect my mood. Whether I will stick to that I don’t know ahaha. We spoke about my ex again today and some of the questions she asked made me cry especially those focused around self blame. I wasn’t expecting that. I felt embarrassed at first by the end I felt comfortable for the tears to fall and let go. I love ‘B’ with all my heart but there are some feelings the therapist said is okay to keep for yourself. I think I’m filling those gaps finally and will be coming to ‘B’ from a place of wholeness.

     


    @Jay2023
    have you had therapy yet? It’s actually great bro so I hope yours comes through fast!

    #380512
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Dannydan you didn’t tag me! Please do as I rarely check TinyBuddha now. Would hate to leave anyone hanging.

    My ideas copyrighted I haven’t granted rights yet there may be a fee involved lol . Have you seen episodes of how clean is your house? You keep mentioning it’s a project with a big profit so I automatically imagined a hoarders house full of dust and skin shedding which equals 🤢😷🤮🤧 but when transformed is amazing!

    How can you not know what Pinterest is, do you live under a rock? It’s a virtual moodboard where you get pictures for inspiration and ideas for homes, weddings etc. Don”t you dare say that’s a womanly thing!

    Experience definitely does shape us. I think @Rhaenys @Jay2023 would all concur. I was discussing this with my bestie the other day too and it was such an interesting conversation. She mentioned how she’s glad I entered something with her brother now that I had a better idea of my needs and identity. She’s known me for years so has witnessed my relationship patterns, heartbreak and growth so that felt good she approved of us being together. You’re not wrong though Danny….sister’s before misters! It stuff we dream of as little girls lol

    We spoke of our first love always having a piece of our hearts but agreed it rarely ever works out.

    It’s curiosity because your experiencing new feelings for the the first time. You think you’re in love but don’t really know what love is. It’s a time we are fearless, everything feels magical but we soon realise the magic is an illusion.

    It’s like jumping off a cliff with a parachute midway we don’t know how to open it , so hope for the best in the moment but most of us will crash hard. You’re changed by that very experience, when the honeymoon phase wears off you don’t know how to navigate it.

    This change as a person as a result of the experience causes us to grow, we start to discover now who we are and what we actually want and unless the growth occurs simultaneously with your partner (very rare) it often is what drives a wedge between you because eventually most people realise that they had been compromising way too much just for the sole reason that they got used to the person.

    Majority split up at this point. But those who don’t exit is usually because they realise it would be a massive task to end and start all over again. But resentment kicks in and then you’re in an unhappy place until you do leave.

    Our subsequent relationship if we become self aware and undertake real growth in discovering our patterns and needs, we can choose wisely. So these relationships are likely to now succeed.

    However most subsequent relationships fail if we rush in out of desperation or fomo. So out of desperation to be in a relationship, invent love. A lot of times we are in love with the concept of being in love without realising it.

    It’s cathartic to release it all and have a good cry. Don’t stress about the betrayal of your ex anymore Danny. Make peace with it, don’t shame yourself for not knowing better then the type of person you fell for,  look at your growth as a result, you’ve become self aware. You decided to change for yourself first. You’ve learned to not appease and lose yourself but can also compromise for your partner. You have learned to harness your emotions better. So much positive. I’m the same. I loved the numpty, I would have married him but I would have been miserable too. We have had a lucky escape!

    Attending all your sessions is a must so don’t waste your money by not adhering to the tasks!


    @Jay2023
    are you okay? I recall it was your exes birthday towards end of May. Have you kept moving or has this bothered you at all? Do drop us a post to let us know how you are.

    #380548
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy1 I’m very sorry didn’t realise I didn’t @ you. Don’t worry, I will not hold it against you if you don’t reply promptly. I think both of us are now in a relatively good place so no urgency.

    I’m up to my eyeballs in financial commitments, please ma’am can I give you an IOU instead for the rights? ahahaha. If not times are hard, I’m stealing it anyway!

    You’re seriously so funny mate for a woman 👀! Shedding skin? Ahaha are you sure you haven’t merged two programmes 🤮 Gives the OCD in me the shivers.

    I’ll refrain from the Pinterest comment I used my daily quota above.

    You’re so insightful, first love is exactly that! I enjoyed reading that. In some ways I wish there was a guide when we fall in love the first time in others i think it takes falls to gain character and strength. You’re right we’ve both done the inner work first and then committed to the right person for us,  otherwise I could see us being among the statistic who out of desperation or fear to settle invent love!

    I hope you are happy with your progress too. I’m going to be quieter over the new few months. Please keep your fingers crossed the new strain doesn’t delay the 21st June day of freedom. I want ‘B’ to have her special day just as she desires even though I’ll be squirming throughout most of it!


    @Jay2023
    if you need me bro like Sammy says @ us and we will reply.

    #380775
    Tim
    Participant

    Good Evening,

    How are you all doing? I return as promised with an update. The least I owed after the wonderful support I received from this thread especially after losing Rupert.

    Where am I now? Well I became a father to a beautiful baby girl who was a little eager to meet us and arrived 4 weeks early. My family are all doing well since coming home.

    I am surviving on very little sleep currently and it has been a testing time, being responsible for a tiny human being with my anxiety naturally means I am overly protective, worry about her future and finances.

    Surprisingly has been much easier than I anticipated to bond, the love I have for her is incredible to feel. My beautiful wife continues to keep me on my toes, is a natural nurturer and superwoman. I haven’t experienced any doubts or lingering feelings for previous what ifs, which means I’m on the right path and choices have been good.


    @Sammy1
    doll it’s wonderful to see you still posting. I briefly read a few of the last posts,  you seem to be thriving alongside @Dannydan. Kudos to you both for continuing to provide support like you have to @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys.

    I’m delighted to return to read things have improved tremendously in both your lives.

    Did @Shelbyville and @Luciel or @Kkasxo keep the thread updated on their progress?

    I will not be able to with a newborn post on here,  however I did owe this thread an update. I also wanted to encourage readers although I’m riding a positive wave, life will continue to throw a curveball, it’s learning to accept the good and the bad. Nothing lasts forever.

    Peace doesn’t come from finally being in a relationship,  peace does not come from being a parent, peace does not come from the shiny new car or new home. It will continue to elude you and you’ll continue to search for the missing piece.

    Head’s up the missing piece is you.  Searching your soul, accepting yourself and being unrelentlessly the best version of you. When you are true and not appeasing, contorting, your fears will automatically shrink.

    So the final tidbit I will impart there is one clear urgency in life you must never neglect – you must be yourself!

    Wishing you all a wonderful journey of life!

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