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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #370003
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thanks mate. Try asking your friends to set you up, plenty of dating apps some more meaningful than others! Good luck mate.

    Hi @Tim / @Kkasxo / @Shelbyville / @Sammy

    I need help, the past few days with ‘B’ have been so beautiful and amazing. Yesterday it was her date night idea (I was keen to take it in turns this time instead of her doing all the leg work, so we equally feel spoilt) Anyway because of Covid we are limited but she made a den probably not even doing it justice in description but there were lights and snacks, it was so cosy to cuddle and watch a movie. It was a simple idea but she made it look and feel so magical with the way she put it together.

    I really loved the evening and as I was walking home an intense feeling I don’t know how to describe. When I look at her this pang of pain hits me, I feel so sad for how I treated her before. I don’t know if I need to go to a confessional or something. I just don’t know how I could hurt someone like her.

    Since we reconciled she is taking it at her pace but has really wiped the slate clean, she hasn’t punished me or used it to her advantage / made me feel guilty like I know some women can do. She’s just being the very same kind, generous, fun authentic self she was and sticking to her boundaries. I don’t know, i wanted to ring her last night and tell her how I feel but at same time we had such a beautiful evening and I don’t want to put a dampener on things when it’s going so well.

    I am embarrassed to admit I was crying in bed all night. I don’t what is happening here.

     

     

     

    #370005
    Tim
    Participant

    @Rhaenys you’re very welcome. Glad I could ne of some assistance to you. Thank you for your warm wishes. I’m very much looking forward to this new adventure even if it means more sleepless nights!

    #370006
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny

    Bro there are a few things that are happening here, brace yourself:

    1. You are falling in love
    2. Suffering anxiety as you do

    How do I know? I’ve been there. It gives you a strange mixture of hope and guilt.

    You’ve found someone who accepts you for who you really are without the pretense we put up to impress others, she has seen the flaws, the weaknesses and has CHOSEN to be with you. It’s unreal right? It feels incredible! That my friend is REAL LOVE….

    …but at the same time your mind will do everything it can to remind you of why you are not enough for this special person. It will throw out the… “You hurt this beautiful woman. You don’t deserve her etc etc…” therefore making you feel dread too.

    You’re in a battle now and it’s with yourself, it’s up to you to overcome it, if you want a meaningful, deep partnership because if you get over this obstacle and let it develop that is exactly what it will be given your descriptions of your wonderful lady.

    I suspect during that initial 6 months when you were together the first time, you actually began to fall for her then subconsciously but were very unaware of your feelings because it got pushed down amongst your brain working overtime to sabotage as a way to protect you after what happened with ‘A’  and that’s why you ended up hurting her and believing you didn’t belong together. You know all this. You are a self aware and intelligent guy. So utilise that side to keep pushing through the self doubt.

    Now you are equipped with the knowledge that you care about someone else’s life more than your own and that’s why you feel sad for what you did. It hurts even more knowing you hurt someone you love.

    As @Shelbyville said we all are fallible and make mistakes, you need to forgive yourself, if that means taking a confession or making a spiritual connection with God to seek repentance than do that. She can’t give you the redemption, you need to find that within yourself.

    You need to also be aware ‘B’ will along the line disappoint you, make a mistake and when that happens its your time to show the compassion she showed you. That is accepting her, for her flaws. You have to CHOOSE her, don’t be afraid to.

    Falling in love mate is a beautiful thing you are being vulnerable and it will feel intense. This time the only difference is you need to get to a place where you believe that you truly deserve her love, her kindness and by offering her the same will help nurture an equal footing in the relationship.

    Don’t ruin it by running in abject fear again. Come on here myself,  @Shelbyville, @Kkasxo will be your guidance so you don’t spiral into self sabotage. Forgive yourself, it so clear you have someone very good for you mate. A person who really understands the essence of who you are and deep down every person craves that more than anything. So don’t throw it away because I can guarantee there will not be another chance with her.

    If you let this grow by spending time in her presence, respecting her boundaries you’ll realise more than the sex you’ll start to just want the comfort of her being close to you.

    Enjoy her company, let it flourish, take time because in my opinion saying ‘I love you’ should carry weight and be a commitment to accept and cherish that person no matter what. So don’t just say it as a grand gesture. Wait until you feel stable and have proven to each other in your actions that you really will honour those words.

    I have faith in you mate. Believe in yourself! You have more control than you think, each decision leads us down a path, don’t go down the REGRET route again or it will just prove you haven’t learned or grown from the mistakes you made with her before.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Tim.
    #370009
    Tim
    Participant

    And just to add there is nothing wrong with Men crying or showing emotion. I suspect the lads you surround yourself with don’t help.

    Being able to distinguish and label emotions allows you to better regulate them, it is a step towards developing more emotional intelligence. A key skill many lack. The more you develop and evolve the stronger you’ll become.

     

     

    #370011
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lucie doll I forgot to address your message, it almost got lost amongst the posts, do forgive me.

    Thank you so much, I’m still dumbfounded by the kindness of strangers although I do see this thread and its posters as a little community in itself now. I’m chuffed, I never thought after the very dark periods in my life, the spiral i took. I’d be able to live to see the day where I was in a really fulfilling and happy relationship. Perseverance and making the right choices,  surrounding oneself with the people who keep you moving towards better and are good for your soul, are KEY. Keep on growing doll and I promise you, you’ll attract good and learn to hold onto it too!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Tim.
    #370039
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Tim thanks for being real with me it always helps me grow and I’m working on it. Anyway, I’m so so so excited for you! You’re going to be a DAD 🥰 omg my heart feels so warm and could explode right now reading your news. Rupert will always be with you and waiting at the end of the rainbow to meet you all again one day. I’m sure the little kumquat has grown by now! I hope you and your beautiful partner have a safe, healthy pregnancy x


    @Danny
    Sorry for my absence and not replying sooner, I see you have received plenty of amazing advice, you’ve taken it on board and come such a long way.

    Don’t worry it’s evident to those of us who have the experience that you have actually LOVED HER all along. It explains that pang, you are feeling it physically. To feel so upset and hurt by what you did means you’ve always cared about her deeply. Your feelings were true and deep, it’s hard to admit sometimes, isn’t it?

    ‘B’ is everything you wrote, reading the ‘It went like this text..’ to her fort date night theme for you makes me jealous in a good way. It’s so cute and I see you have the chemistry still!! She’s funny, kind, and clearly has a big heart to forgive you, what more could you want? You have turned into a real man of honour and respect. Continue that growth.

    I love that your softer side is appearing, it’s ok to cry, you don’t have to be the HERO all the time. Share that vulnerability and those tears with her and I can only surmise that your love for each other will solidify.

    I’m sure you’ll be able to contain yourself out of respect too. As a woman, I have to say it’s sometimes more exciting and intimate having that SEXUAL TENSION. So get your gratification from the fact you are respecting her and building it to a point you’ll both feel comfortable, and no doubt it will be incredible and significant when it does happen because it will be borne out of real love.  I really hope the love will just flourish between you and the fears and insecurities that plague us all do not win. Best of luck Danny!


    @Shelbyville
    Congrats on the ILY milestone. You must be over the moon! I’m glad you’ve found someone you adore. You really do deserve it!


    @Kkasxo
    Hope you are OK..we haven’t spoken too much but I wanted to say you only realise your own strength when you are forced to be strong on your own. You are a fantastic, kind insightful woman and capable of living a fulfilled life. Happiness awaits you. Cut the cord, I know how hard it is but I’ve done it and I was shaky for a while but I’m getting there I’ve realised what I deserve in a relationship. I’m finding myself and willing to be entirely authentic to one day find a relationship like Danny’s and Tim’s. Someone who understands me deeply helps support me emotionally and regardless of my flaws chooses me! I believe in myself and believe I deserve that… You should do, plenty of posters have remarked how wonderful you are <3


    @Lucie
    I hope you are well, you’re also incredibly strong and more than your past, so keep on pushing through those barriers. You can and will get your happiness!


    @Rhaenys
    Time is only wasted if you didn’t learn the lesson. You have and want better for yourself, that’s a milestone. Those guys were users and for them to never give you the closure and respect is a reflection of them. It will all catch up with them. It always does. Focus on your own self and be happy. Good luck!

    #370041
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Sammy, proud of you!!! That’s honestly all I can say. Because that takes strength and a whole load of courage – so kudos to you!

    Thank you for all your kind words guys, I see them all. I’m actually going away to stay with a friend this weekend for a overdue girls night. All the way in Southend too so looking forward to an evening walk by the seaside, water has always calmed me. Get away from reality even if it’s just for a night..

    #370047
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Tim

    Hi Tim, i know i am replying after ages, actually yes i am doing well. Things have changed for me for the past few years. I hope the best for you too. 🙂

    #370173
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lucie I think I may have tagged you in error. There is another Lucie on this thread nonetheless I’m glad to read you are well. Wish you all the best in life!


    @Sammy
    doll, so lovely to hear from you! Thank you for your warm wishes, baby is a little plum and soon we will be entering the 2nd term. Really excited but how are you? Reading your strong words to @Kkasxo, I would also like to add I’m very proud of you too!

    #370123
    Danny
    Participant

    @Kkasxo homie you got the courage in you too, do what will make you feel most fulfilled. It’s good you escaped to Southend for some peace, Central London yesterday was loud and heaving!


    @Sammy
    So glad you touched base mate, are you ok? Thanks for your support, I never saw it in that way, so cool to get a woman’s perspective on the physical side but BLUE BALLs though mate lol.( I don’t know if it’s permissible to say that without being called a dick on here. Sighs.) Anyway she’s trying to not get me too excited bit difficult because I find her even more irresistible now, its fun but I’ve realised love is hard -in many ways lol but so worth the effort. I love being with her even holding her gives me an ease, definitely going to take it as her pace and respect her!


    @Tim
    Bro 👊 thanks so much. Your understanding and experiences as a man have been an incredible help. Everything you said is on the money!!!! I think that’s exactly what’s happening..

    I do feel deeply for her, I will not just blurt it out, I want to honour those words. I feel like I’m really growing up. After reading your post, I even researched emotion intelligence. Its referred as EQ on most sites. She has an abundance already and I’m going to work on improving mine, it’s the best advice!

    During the first 6 months her sensitivity and softness I treated with disdain, I think because I didn’t like that in me after As betrayal but after reading that article and now understanding my feelings, it’s what will create LASTING LOVE. It’s the very traits in her which I feel endearing now. How foolish us men can be with real emotion!

    Heres an article for @All I found it so useful:

    Emotional Intelligence in Love and Relationships

     

     

    #370294
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny Hahah your post to @Sammy, bro be careful might land yourself in hot waters. Things can easily be misconstrued. However , understandable and just do your thing to relieve the pressure and focus on the LTR goal! You have a very good woman worthy of the struggle!

    Yes EQ is derived from IQ but I prefer EI! Really impressed you are doing some reading on literature around your emotions. It will help you tremendously! Message if you need anything,  slow and steady wins the race!

    I think I’ve said it before women can be fierce and independent but that natural sensitivity and fragility is to be respected and cherished. You make her feel safe and secure , you’ll reap the rewards too.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Tim.
    #370375
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Wishing you a very Happy Birthday

    🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳🎂🎂

    Ride this new wave of change and have a wonderful day and year ahead with your nearest and dearest. Hope you get lots of cake, love and your new BF is treating you to something special 😉! Let us know what you did!!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Sammy.
    #370396
    Danny
    Participant

    Happy Birthday @Shelbyville! Have a good one mate 👍

    Cheers bro, I’ll pay more attention to what I write. Thanks!!


    @Sammy
    I hope you didn’t find my post crude. Sorry mate if you did!

     

     

    #370438
    Tim
    Participant

    Belated birthday wishes for @Shelbyville wishing you a happy year ahead doll!


    @Sammy
    , how are you doing doll?


    @Danny
    , no problem bro may the force be with you mate and your relationship grow stronger each day!

    #370439
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    So lovely to hear from you – you sound shoot? Are you good? How are you feeling? Wow, thanks so much for the birthday wishes, no idea how you even remembered! Very kind and thoughtful of you and very much appreciated.

    I’m going to a hotel (within permitted guidelines!) this weekend- he booked a suite and I’m very excited. Apologies if typos in this post as my screen only shows partial at the moment, so I’m guessing some words I type!!

    BF treated and spoiled me and tells me he loves me. A lot. It’s weird. You’d think my heart would soar – and it does- but it’s nearly like, it’s so strange to hear each time he says it, I’m nearly like ‘really?’ in my head. And then I think I’m more self aware than him and he only THINKS he loves me but it’s more like a puppy love and so on and so on goes my sabotaging brain. I’m working hard – really working hard to catch and acknowledge my patterns and it’s super weird for me to be with someone who sees ALL my feels and emotions and still stands firm and doesn’t run. Weird right?!

    Have you been able to get out and about a bit at all as I know you liked your runs? I hope things are looking better in your world.

    Danny,

    I agree with Tim, love mixed with anxiety. I feel the same. Often. But I do believe you are self aware enough to acknowledge and address it and work towards that last relationship you want.

    I will reply more at length as soon as I can. Honestly guys my job is driving me towards a nervous breakdown. I’m so overwhelmed. But I’m hoping to make a case for some support so fingers crossed with it.

    stay well all. I’ll be back online soon with more in depth reply.

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