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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #369703
    Danny
    Participant

    Hello @KKasxo

    Are you a fellow Londoner? 🙃 Thanks mate, appreciate it..look forward to a womans view too!

    #369710
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    I am! Not far from Kings Cross actually 🙂

    Still haven’t caught up on your posts as yet but will do as soon as I get the chance and come back to you.

    My friend dragged me out for a hot choc at Alexandra Palace tonight. What a view. And it was nice getting out of the house & into some form of normality for a change!

    @Shelbyville, miss you! Hope you’re keeping sane and well! X

    #369712
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    OK, so I have briefly caught up on your posts and my thoughts are as follows..

    I think you’re definitely on the right track in terms of ‘making amends’. I say making amends what I mean is giving yourself the opportunity to let go of the grief surrounding this relationship and also giving this girl the clarity and ‘closure’ that she deserves after everything that’s happened.

    It’s nice to read that you guys had a nice chat and spent some quality time together, almost reminiscing on what was and what could’ve been. Who knows where it will go from here. You very obviously care for her. And with that you want the very best for her. The only thing I would urge you to ask yourself at this very moment is whether the very best for her is you, right now, in this moment, amongst the chaos of your self discovery..

    And to be honest I could be projecting here or I could just be sharing a female point of view picked up from personal experiences..

    This post has gone on for over two years now and me and Shelby have been communicating for a long time so I’m sure you haven’t caught up exactly on my situation (somewhat different to yours as there is trauma involved) but yet similar in ways.. And I for one wish now years later that Mr A didn’t come back into my life. I write that with an actual lump in my throat because it feels so weird throwing 5+ years with this man away like that. BUT in hindsight he was not ready. Till this day he is not ready. He wanted to make amends. He wanted to prove me wrong. He had the best of intentions (I believe) and when push comes to shove he cannot pull through because at the end of the day, he is who he is and this is the current situation, that will not change.

    Like yourself and this woman you are in awe with, me and Mr A had a very gravity pulling relationship. We were head over heels in all aspects of the relationship, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.. He was my actual best friend. We were very much committed and in love. But life unfortunately wrote its own scenario and shit happened. And I can honestly hold my hands up and say that no matter how much ‘love’ we have for one another nothing has ever been the same since. We reconciled. We moved out together. We made amends. And to cut a story short, we live like flat mates who don’t even like one another and just get by because we have to. And yet we still love one another. But what we had and what we have now are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. Without going on about this for too long, the point I am trying to make is that HAD Mr A been ready, really been about everything he said at the time of reconciliation, I believe things would be very different now. Maybe we could still be in our little love bubble. Instead we spent the last two years tarnishing the beautiful memories we made the first time round… Probably caused more damage than good. It’s oh so easy to get caught up in the ‘I’ve made a mistake, I’ve learnt my lesson, this is what I want, I’m ready, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work…’ but it’s not as easy to pull that through once the novelty wears of and the relationship goes back to basics. To the core of you and the core of her. Particularly when you’re on a journey of self discovery.

    With that in mind that is why I ask, chemistry aside, what you would like the outcome to be aside, what you think you have become on this journey aside, what you THINK you are ready to right now in your despair to get this connection back, to make right your wrong doings – Are you the best thing for her at this present moment?

    #369718
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @Kkasxo

    You’re not far from St Pancras! The view from Alexandra Palace at night over London 👌 you have given me a date night idea! Let’s hope I’m not getting ahead of myself.

    We are both living in London for work near Chelsea. So I’m a Southerner but can’t claim to be a born and bred Londoner!!

    Thanks mate for your viewpoint. It really helped me re ask if I’m doing the right thing by her. I do care about her even though my past actions don’t reflect that. I really admire and respect this woman. I promise you the very last thing I want to do is hurt her further.

    I’m sorry you feel that about your Mr A. It seems you’re stuck in a rut or reached an impasse, so resentments kicked in? Maybe it’s time to assess if he can really give you what you want. What is it you want? I.e. if you want marriage and mini mes and he can’t then maybe it’s time to take the brave decision and separate. If you love each other I’m sure you also don’t want to hold each other back from finding someone who can give you exactly what you want.

    Just from a male pov it seems he has shown loyalty at least to stick by your side, you said you are best friends. I think that’s the basis for any long term relationship. Over time that initial magic or honeymoon phase always wears off for everybody. You have someone who you can be authentic with, the value placed on authenticity in the young gen has seems to be lost. Is it possible to reignite passion and create new memories. Maybe a move to a new city?

    Then again if he is not actually trying to tie the knot by now and that’s something you want, you’re wasting your time. You’ll regret it no matter how much you love him because fundamentally you don’t belong together so go find someone who will, you deserve that.

    I’m all too aware that loving someone is never on it’s own enough. I loved ‘A’ with all my heart but you need more than that for a successful relationship.That was pure first love but it’s not the love I want anymore. The love where two people keep pushing one another to grow, step up for one another and actively keeping the passion alive is what I want. Keeping it 💯!

    With ‘B’ we never got physical to that point like you and Mr A. Funnily enough that’s an advantage, I think. With us the first time around I don’t think is the same as your situation where you were committed, exchanged I love you’s and loving memories were created over a span and then a reconciliation tarnished them.

    ‘B’  and I had a deep soul connection. We clearly cared about each other a lot, the chemistry was there but before it could really get off the ground or we could develop the deeper romantic attraction, I did the perfect job of sabatoging it.

    We would if she allows be creating a relationship from scratch, with individual growth not holding us back and experiencing a lot of new things. The ‘I love you’ will be the first and forever I hope.

    I spent 4 months really on my own searching for what I wanted. I was so exhausted. I had become weary with the chase and dating.

    I asked myself what do you want Danny?? What makes you feel and be better..I started confronting the hurt ‘A’ left which made me feel it would never be enough. I started confronting my behaviour with ‘B’, I started to confront my real feelings for her. I had convinced myself she wasn’t for me for so long but when I sat alone and faced it, the more I did, the more it brought to surface I had everything I actually wanted and needed in a long term partner. Then that pain you get, the sinking feeling just overcame me. I couldn’t believe how much I had hurt such a wonderful person.

    For the brief period she was in my life, although I was a dick to her. She saved me from drowning, she made me want to be better. I treated ‘C’ better because of her. With ‘C’ it just felt stale, I didn’t have a woman who really got me and wanted to really grow and push each other. I had the physical side of the relationship but it still wasn’t enough.

    I began to realise my battered soul needed more, I had been wrong. Like Tim and my bro said it’s very rare you meet a woman with emotional understanding, generosity and class like ‘B’

    I realised for the first time I wanted a real adult relationship with a woman who cares, gets who I am and emotionally understands me more than I wanted the physical side. That was a breakthrough for me a man who is so red blooded. ‘B’ is the only one who showed me that.

    I’m not just caught up on the idea of it all. I’m tired of the drama in my life. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I think it takes men time to reach this crossroad. I really believe if she gives me the chance I’ll be walking down the aisle with this lady. I’m not scared anymore to commit to that. I’m proud to say if we got together and she didn’t find it working for herself in any way, as much as it would hurt, I’d be happy I was courageous enough to make amends. Courageous enough to try and give it the chance it deserved. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if.

    I strongly believe we have all the ingredients to not even hurt each other and actually create lasting love.

    I just don’t know how much longer I should sit on it? I know I’m not the finished product there will be more growth but I believe it’s something we can do together. She really keeps me in good form.

    Is there anything else I need to ask myself? Anything else I need to do. I don’t want her to ever feel what you feel about Mr A. Reconciliation efforts.

    #369726
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi @everyone!! She replied and it went like this…

    I’ve just copied and pasted the texts :

    B: Yes

    Me: Yes?

    B: Yes!

    Me: *sent a risqué meme

    B: 🤣😂😂 Danny!

    Me: I’m just messin’ but I’m ready when u r 😉 but are u saying this smile I have on my face rn is because ur willing to give us a chance?

    B: I’m sure that’s not the only reason for you smiling 😏 but YES!

    Me: Let’s do this!

    B: Again 🤣

    Me: 🔫s fired!

    B: 😅Call me in 5

    I rang her and we both just started laughing. She said she needed to make a few things clear, she didn’t want to rush anything, would have to be at her pace. That for it to work we would both need to draw a line under what’s happened, let go of insecurities and if there’s concerns or worries going forward, we communicate.

    She said she did worry about what would happen if I felt insecure again, she found it exhausting by the end trying to convince me she genuinely wanted me. The thing swaying her the most was that she always felt something special in the way that we connected and I had clearly realised that too by my own reflection.

    She said I didn’t wait for her to contact me and by me taking action, getting in touch with her..she knew growth had happened. She knew for me that must have been scary but I faced up to the mistakes in person and really did the mature thing in giving her the explanation and respect she always deserved. She said we all make mistakes and deserve a chance. And this was the one and only chance so it was up to me to prove and show her I had really grown up.

    She said it will take time to build the trust and she wouldn’t tolerate me expressing contempt in anyway. So if I’m ready for the long haul it would mean both of us working together, equally and communicating.

    I suggested if she would like to attend like a couple therapy session paid for by me. She was surprised but said if it’s something I needed she’d consider it. I just want to start afresh no baggage.

    She basically told me what I already knew I need to do and I’m committed to doing.

    We then spoke about 2 hours more on random things. I still feel naturally at ease with her over text, on the phone and in person. I just don’t know how to describe it. I asked her when I could take her out for our first date and she said surprise me!

    I feel beyond elated. I rang my bro right away and he typically shouted Get in and I’m going to be your best man!! I’m really ready to change my life for the better. I’m ready to be the appreciative and giving partner I’m capable of without looking back.

    I really couldn’t have done it without you guys guiding me too and asking me to ask myself the hard questions. Thank you so much guys.

    I will keep you updated on progress and fingers crossed they are all positive.

    @Sammy I hope the situation between your ex and you gets resolved. You sound like a very giving person so its only right you receive the same in return. Not too sure of the exact circumstances but I hope he does the right thing by you. I’m sorry if any of my posts were a reminder or refreshed any pain. I hope it gives you some hope that people can grow and there are men out there who value the qualities you possess, sometimes we are a little immature/insecure too. You haven’t responded lately, you said you would keep an eye out so I do hope you are coping well and didn’t misuse alcohol and your absence is you feeling stronger sitting with yourself. I appreciate your honest, fair and real responses especially when you were pained by what I wrote in my initial post. If you ever need an ear to listen, tag me! I wish you positive vibes too mate! I hope your journey becomes less bumpy!

    @Tim we spoke briefly but your prior posts were incredibly useful to read. I learned so much. You gave me hope of redemption and I really gained more sage insight in the short time I’ve been on here then listening to the lads over many years. The recent advice has been on the money, I’m going to exert and practice self control (that’s what the sock and gym are for 🤣)  I don’t want to mess this up, I will restart it as I mean to go on and that’s to embark on a meaningful companionship to last right through until were old and bitter lol. I’m really glad amongst the great ladies there was a man on this thread. Someone who understands the manly urges and has the experience to navigate around them and offered me the pointers to make it work. I really believe you have a happy future ahead with your partner and I wish you and your lady a healthy pregnancy. Your mini me will be blessed man, congrats! Thanks so much bro!👊

    @Shelbyville you have this kindness and non judgement in you which is rare. You were clearly so overwhelmed in your own troubles but you still reached out to help me, thank you, especially for your support when I was particulatly feeling so heavy hearted and disgusted with myself. You helped me to re focus and achieve self forgiveness. You helped me to learn we all make mistakes but how we handle them is the proof in who we really are. I stopped thinking about myself and focused on how she must have felt, it urged me even more to apologise in person. That showed her I really cared about the impact those stupid actions had. I got to give her the respect she deserved.

    I got the sense you have been in a similar set of circumstances, possibly pushed away someone good for you by what you wrote? I also felt a sense of someone trying to protect me especially as I was so down on myself already. Maybe lower my expectations by stating ‘B’ was perhaps just a journeymate. I really respect that and could feel you were trying to save me from potentially more pain if the reconciliation efforts didn’t work.

    I have to say though the concept of journeymate actually challenged me. I couldn’t accept someone like ‘B’ to cross my path and not stay. It felt unfinished when I confronted my real emotions.

    It pushed me to make contact with her instead of taking the easy route of moving on. I knew for me to win her back I had to do it and she made it clear she was not going to contact me again because she was respectful and she obviously knew it meant I hadn’t grown if she did it.

    If we don’t try can we really say we’ve lived a full life? I know whatever happens i will not wonder what if. I’ll know I gave it a real chance this time,  so it took bravery and I did it. That alone gave me self confidence, if the outcome had been unfavourable at the very least I knew I had morally done right by her. F those fears!

    I know Kkasxo mentioned you and her have been on this thread for 2 years so I don’t know the exact story but whoever your  ‘journeymate’ is, maybe reassess? Hard to find a gem again mate!

    I hope you find stability in what appears a very stressful career. Sometimes you just gotta say NO to the politics!

    @Kkasxo fellow Londoner, you had this aura and positive vibe about you from the very first response to me. I must have felt it in my bones you’re a homie!😎 lol.

    I greatly appreciate you not labelling me a fuckboy. I can’t express how much the compassion and you embracing me on this thread has changed me. I feel if you had been unsympathetic I may have taken the wrong turn. Thank you for pushing myself to ask hard questions and reinforcing my desire to fix up and settle down. All I know is the reflection over the past 10 months especially the last 4 where I’ve been single has been worth it. With further encouragement from you, I’ve steered my life in the healthy direction.

    Someone who has good vibe and comes off as so amazing deserves whatever she wants. Don’t be afraid of letting go of Mr. A. Holding on if you know deep down he hasn’t taken the actions to change and fulfil what you need will cause more resentments and you’ll come to regret the wasted time. There is still love there so set each other free, be brave and go find someone who will give you what you want. You tried once, you gave it a shot. It didn’t work out but by no means should you resign yourself to end up a crazy cat lady!!

    Time to ask yourself that hard question which sounds so easy. What do you want?

    Sending you positive vibes mate and thanks a bunch! 🙃

    #369750
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @danny

    I’m so happy for you and where your journey has led you. Well done on your progress so far and keep up the good work. You will work on winning her over and making her feel special and appreciated and loved and that’s a beautiful thing. However, it’s not just about proving yourself to her. Remember YOU are a good person too, YOU add value to someone’s life. Yes, you made mistakes, let one single person on here shout if they have never made a mistake……hmmmm…I think you’ll hear the silence!

    Continue to grow and as you said, appreciate what you have now, whatever the future may hold, who knows, but as you said…no regrets. I’m extremely impressed with you – talk about courage! Wowee…epic journey. I wish you well and I do hope to hear from you about how your life is going. I wish your lovely lady well and hopes that she gets to know the wonderful guy we have all gotten a glimpse of on here!

    Thank you for your kind words which really touched my heart. I’m in a process of change currently, primarily in circumstances which is leading to friction, which is leading to growth. And sometimes growth is actually painful, so it’s a little hard, but I’m managing as best I can. Hopefully brighter days lie ahead. Take care friend.

    #369751
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo I miss you too! How are you? I’m struggling, but when am I ever not, so nothing new there!!! Lolz. My new job is giving me all kinds of anxiety, I’m afraid of not being up to the task (which I genuinely feel I’m not) but as Tim has mentioned before, awkward time to be giving up a good paying job in the midst of a global pandemic.

    Some people on here have referenced my ‘boyfriend’ in posts! Weird!!! I can’t get used to that term for some reason. He’s a good guy who…..loves me….eek. We’ll see what happens. However, the new job and relationship has rattled the foundations I had with those closest to me and that is something I’m struggling with at the moment. My sister is putting up the most resistance to boundaries and my new path, but tbh, I’m getting little jibes from all the family and I’m currently trying to cover so many bases maintaining (or at least trying to) responsibilities that I’m wearing myself so thin that I think the entire House of Cards is soon going to come crashing down.

    Tell me about you – how is life with a pet? Danny gave some advice about Mr.A albeit he didn’t know the full story as such. But then I thought, you know what? He’s right. I feel you deserve a fulfilled life and I don’t want you to miss out on that. I’m also aware how difficult change is, look at me, I’m experiencing the repercussions of that right now and it ain’t easy, so I get it and you do whatever helps you. I hate lockdown and stores being closed and can’t go anywhere for a meal, so I think Covid has a lot to answer for this year in terms of people’s mental health and emotional state.

    Cant wait to hear from you again x

    #369753
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks mate, I’m proud of myself too. This journey is making me a better man. I just know it! B is a special woman so it’s not so much I want to prove myself to her because when I was the crappy version of me she still believed in me. I just want to really appreciate her and never take her for granted again. It’s true you only realise what you had, when you lose it. I know there will be no further chances with her. She is beautiful but most of all has a gigantic heart,  I’d be a fool to sabotage it again. The first thing she did when I rang her yesterday was tell me to come around tonight to pick up a care package she made for my bro. When we met a St Pancras she showed so much concern for my family when she hasn’t even met them yet! She’s just so wholesome, ahh I think I’m going to fall first but I’m excited. I’m happy, I feel ease I haven’t felt in time. Look at me blabbering on lol

    Change is difficult but it’s usually needed to grow otherwise we would become stuck in a rut. You sound like you have a lot of drama happening. Anything I can help you with?

    Tim is right about the job market but looking at it with logic, you wouldn’t get the job if you were crap! Also you’d have performance reviews if if you were slacking, so don’t add pressure to yourself.

    bloody shambles this Covid malarkey though! Cancelling others festivals like Diwali and Eid, the night before and then approving a week of congregating for Xmas for the rest of us. Granting freedom? Wth! I’ll save my rant on exactly what I think about Covid!

    Thanks for saying I gave some useful input to Kkasxo she sounds like a great partner, weirdly easy to be objective with everyone except yourself! I noticed you don’t sound too enthused about your relationship mate? Like not how I’m in awe of my girl.  Are your family not approving? How old are you?

    You gotta do what’s right for you. But I would add though family usually know you the best so know if something is not good for you..my bro when I finally told him, knew exactly that and where I’d done wrong.

    I’ll definitely keep you all updated on progress,  I’m excited to see her today even briefly and tell her what surprise I’ve planned for our first date!!!

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 11 hours ago by Danny.
    #369825
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Danny,

    I’m excited for you and the man you have become and the relationship you can potentially have. Take your time and really grow and get to know each other for who you are now and I wish you all the best with the exciting early days fluttery feelings – they are so much fun! I have no doubt you will really put all you can in to this relationship and give it the absolute best shot of a long term future!

    Thank you for the offer of advice, but to be honest, I’m trying not think about everything too much as if I really get in to it, it gets overwhelming again. I hasten to add that I adore my boyfriend now – it’s just weird to say the word because this thread will demonstrate that I thought the likelihood of me every having a boyfriend again was practically zero! It’s not my family not approving of my boyfriend, nothing like that. It’s just the transition. Change scares most people and they have had me at their disposal and there for them all for a long number of years and I suppose I filled a certain role for them and now that I’m seeking a life outside of that, making more time for my own happiness instead of always putting others before me, it’s irksome and the word ‘selfish’ has been thrown around a bit.

    I get it. I understand where it’s coming from. I understand what’s happening here with boundaries and moving away from the enmeshment in my family, but that understanding doesn’t make it any easier to be ‘at odds’ with your sister, who was always your best friend. I’m trying to accept the situation for what it is now and not try to control others’ feelings about what’s happening. If they feel pissed off, I have to let them feel pissed off, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be.

    Anyway, best of luck on your new journey with ‘B’- I wish you nothing but happiness.

    #369835
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks mate, she’s just as awesome, emotionally understanding and I feel like because my attention is fully on her and not the baggage associated with ‘A’ she is even more beautiful, her qualities are just shining! We were together for just under 6 months before and oh it was unreal in terms of chemistry too all the way, I just get the feeling that fluttery phase will be even more special this time because in my heart I am working towards long term with her. She was always so fun, I felt the exact same, if not more yesterday as this time I’m not putting up any resistance to her, not letting my fear or insecurities ruin it. I find I’m enjoying the build up and I want to control my urges for her. So I’m definitely maturing but at the same time she make me feel like a schoolboy again, crushing hard!! As you can tell I’m just beyond elated.

    Emotions are better expressed in my view. I avoided and tried to bury so much of it as I didn’t know how to cope once I confronted them and said them out aloud but once they are out it gives you a place to begin. To work through and put changes in place to become better.

    Ahh I got the gist now, I wasn’t aware of your backstory. Just going off the posts you made since I got welcomed to the fold. Hence I thought why would she find it hard to say boyfriend. Lol.

    You said you’d never have a boyfriend again! I get that feeling, after ‘A’ crushed me I really thought I was unlovable, it brought back feeling like the odd one out during my awkward teens, my self worth was shattered and I was very angry with every woman but her. It contributed to me acting the way I did and the hurt I caused ‘B’. But I hope you don’t have low self worth it’s a terrible place to be really impacts your relationship decisions.

    I see what you mean by boundaries, it can be hard to loosen the shackles that come with having your family rely on you. ‘B’ is mixed race hence her old fashioned views and alongside that comes a type of caretaking role for her family as she is the eldest. However, I love the family dynamic she has, it seems so full of people to lean on and lots of fun because my families small, just my bro and parents. We both had to fend for ourselves at 16. Whereas she has had a completely different upbringing, she has so much sense of responsibility to her family as a result and I see where her selfless nature comes from. Her family don’t hold her back in anyway but she feels this strong sense of returning the sacrifice they’ve made.

    I can imagine it must feel like being between a rock and a hard place when you have to choose. In our deep conversations last year she always said her family responsibilities would always be there and it would be something for me to reflect on. At the time I obviously didn’t pay too much thought, however now that I want to be with her longterm, it’s something I accept, I wouldn’t make it difficult on my end. I would respect her obligations to her family and work with her to compromise so she didn’t ever feel she has to choose, it’s part of who she is. Trying to remove that element would not work.

    I know she will try to strike a balance and in some areas her family will take precedence and vice versa.

    So I think try and talk it through with your family as well as your boyfriend. He needs to be on board and supportive. You don’t want to create friction in your family for a person who may not even be there for you if the shit hits the fan. So discuss it. Family will always have your back, and even though mine and B’s upbringing is poles apart, we agree on that fundamental.

    Don’t take being called selfish to heart, don’t be at odds. Have a calm conversation and say I need to do this but I love you all very much. They will come around like you said it’s adjustment, no point getting wrapped up in the negative emotion it will not change it. If you need to lighten the load to make yourself stable and happy, they’ll see that change in you and want it for you too.

    I’m really riding positive vibes and YOLO so be the best you can be!

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 6 hours ago by Danny.
    #369842
    Tim
    Participant

    Danny, I have high hopes for your new relationship, you know why?

    Firstly, I’m so impressed with your recognition for mine, @KKasxo @Sammy, and @Shelbyville advice. You are highly percipient and capable of self-awareness. That took me a lot of therapy sessions to achieve, so you should be very proud of the individual you are becoming. The offer to her for couple therapy is remarkable, you are showing in your actions you are serious.

    In the words of Freud “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways” This couldn’t be any truer, we can run from our insecurities and fears but never hide. So continue to tackle and deal with all your emotions, communicate your feelings no matter how silly, don’t let them brew and overrule you.

    Now us men we always have a plan when we approach a woman, and when we have been hurt we can develop the attitude all women are the same, we know we want something out of the situation because we have approached her. When we are confused and immature we will deliberately be vague in our intentions so “let’s see” is usually we are not ready for commitment but will gladly take the ride. When there’s no progress for the lady, we think we don’t have to accept any accountability.

    But you have a plan, you stated “let’s do this” and it’s a long term goal , you are focused on the win – you’ve made it clear you are going in for a serious long haul relationship, so you are accepting any accountability from the offset and that Danny is GROWTH, you’ve become a man! No confusion for her, you’ve set your intentions and willing to be brought to task by being honest, upfront and authentic!

    Treat her well mate, from your descriptions of her she is one amazing woman. She’s assured and intelligent for walking away when she did, much like my partner. A loyal confident woman is not afraid to ask for what she wants and give it some time but if her needs are not being met she will walk away if needs be.

    B is also very savvy and wise to not offer up the goods without the commitment even though she obviously cared and felt something for you! Again many girls make the mistake to attain the affection, she knows who she is and what she wants. Be good to her and make her your Queen and given her characteristics she will treat you like a King too.

    I got a lumbered with a sister ( I love her really) but it’s been nice playing the role of an older bro virtually, if you need any other man to man advice, feel free to contact me, I’ll try and get back to you when I can.

    @Shelbyville

    I had to congratulate you, what an amazing turnaround. Your boyfriend is obviously very serious, it must feel amazing to hear the words “I love you” given your journey. I’m incredibly pleased for you and I’d say focus on the warm fuzziness of hearing those words because you deserve to hear them, be excited for the adventure ahead together presumably you see it as a long term given age?  I know you really wanted this, so forget the family drama. Danny is right family will always come around. You’ve had a rough time so enjoy these magical moments of falling in love! Don’t let fear stop you from enjoying it! So happy for you!

    #369843
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    Ah you have no idea how pleased for you I am. You got there in the end. You are loved. You are happy. You are flourishing. I love to see it! You finally got to where you wanted to be. The new BF sounds like he is doing wonders and I’m so glad that you have got someone like that in your life.

    Try not to stress too much about work (I know it’s easier said then done as even my job is exhausting at the moment) but work is just work. Keep doing what you’re doing. + I am so proud of you for hearing about your boundaries and you prioritising yourself against all odds. Your family will soon adjust to this change, they just need time, it isn’t something that they’re used to particularly as you are someone who would happily drop everything just to be there for the people you love.

    There has been so much good advice on here the last 2+ years, I’m not sure why I’m just incapable of accepting it to be honest. I genuinely believe that Trauma and my PTSD has made me a cripple. I am so sad at my own self. I am clearly quite unhappy & yet so afraid and so unprepared to make any change. I’m terrified in all honesty. Over the last three weeks or so Mr A and I have been having real cut throat conversations. Last night he said he would move out by the weekend.. whether he actually will or not is a different story but I am lost. I really wish that those two years ago he never came back, I wish that I accepted he walked away and that was that. Now we’re stuck in a rut of no one wanting to make the final call, not really sure how to go about it even if we do. How do you just move out from a home you’ve shared? Do I go out whilst he packs and leaves and then come back to emptiness? Do I help him back and have our goodbyes and watch him leave? It’s too much for me in all honesty. I feel like although I have already been and gotten through the worst, that I won’t be able to get through this – it hasn’t even happened yet and I already can’t deal. I’m waking up everyday with crippling anxiety unable to even work. Ugh. Why am I like this?

    So all in all, I’m still the same old Kammy. And oh so disappointed in myself.

    #369855
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim , respect bro 👊,  thank you for showing so much faith and confidence in me. I regard your advice highly so I’ll be sure to follow it to also succeed and hopefully I can report back with good news like yourself in the near future! Thanks so much mate.

    @Kkasxo I don’t know the full details of your story and was unaware of the trauma. So I will leave it to @Shelbyville to address it.

    However I clicked instantly with you and I have to say you are more than your trauma! I came on here and unbeknownst to me a woman who obviously has some big demons she’s fighting, reached out and offered me a safe place to express my feelings without making me feel like a dick even though I definitely was one. You are an incredible person, compassionate, wise and with so much more to offer than you think, I felt the vibes early on homie!!

    You know I think we often hold on to things even if they are negative for us, like a kid holds onto his favourite toy or blanket because we are scared without the familiarity that we will be not know who we are. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self and that self is not defined by your past. Its your future. So you have the power to make it whatever you want.

    I’ve realised how facing our fears is what makes us really grow. Set him free yourself. Give yourself the power. It will be so scary at first but you’ll surprise yourself on how amazing you are. That need or hole he is filling,  you’ll learn to accept within you and do more to love yourself. Eventually you’ll be ready to go out there without the fear someone new needs to come in and fill whatever that need for you is, you will do it for yourself because you’ll know who you are and what you want. You are far far from a disappointment… so quit being hard on yourself 🙃!

     

    #369874
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Shelbyville As you know I’ve read this entire thread, for a long time I was a silent observer scared to share my thoughts after my own trauma and abuse. Your thread inspires me, so it is so beautiful to read you are in love again. I’m so glad this time the adoration is being expressed and returned. I would love to read more about this man who has made you so happy, do you think he is ‘the one’?  It just really inspires me and gives me hope.

    My heart could explode reading your news @Tim. Many congratulations on the baby news!

    @Kkasxo We are more than our trauma as the above poster said. We will get there. Stay strong and we too have brighter days ahead.

    #369880
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Tim I’ve been reading this topic and I have to congratulate you, as you and your girlfriend are expecting! Wow that is such great news. I really wish you all the best and hapiness.  Your advices have been much helpful and you have helped me feel better, thank you.

    @Danny Congrats! I really hope you will make B happy this time, and you will be happy to.

    @Shelbyville  I read history of this topic, not much, but some. And I think in some aspects I understand your story, I recognize myself in some parts. So your news of being happy with your boyfriend really gives me hope.

    @Kkasxo
    Like I said to Shelby, I read some history of this topic not all… But I remember your posts about how you are ready to think about family and children, and you live with Mr A and he’s not ready…
    I had a (previous, not the last) ex boyfriend for 7 years and he was never sure or ready for anyting. And when we broke up I was 30… I regret that the most. I think now I should break up at least 3 or 4 years earlier. I also recognize that at that time I was in a bigger city and I felt alone so I coulnd’t. And the break up happened when I returned home so that was the best time for me to handle it… But on the other side now I wonder how many chances I had and I blew up in that city because of waiting for him.
    I think if you really ask yourself, if you are sure of this or not, you know the answer. I knew it to, always.. But blocked it because of my fear of being alone, of staying alone.. So you know it, but not from this position of fear. You are still young I think, in your twenties..
    In thirties you feel that you have even less time and more coupled friends. So, you know how you feel. And if you’re not happy, don’t lose time like me.

     

    I think I’m mostly over my breakup and ex.. Well not in a way that I don’t feel anything, but I recognize what I want – a serious relationship and a family. And he is too young and immature to give me that. And I want that more than him… I guess break up was just inevitable and it better happened sooner than later. But anxiety creeps up about not finding that what I want. And I don’t even think there is a problem with me, I’m just afraid because of pandemic and everything, like my coupled friends, there won’t be a chance to meet new people. Like, how could it happen?
    @Shelbyville How did you met your boyfriend, you mentioned dating apps? I think I’m just not ready for them, and I won’t ever me.

    • This reply was modified 6 hours, 37 minutes ago by Rhaenys.
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