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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #369324
    Tim
    Participant

    @Danny thanks mate, beyond chuffed!

    You’re doing the right thing because you’ve taken time to get to the root of your feeling. It is sad we allow our baggage and immaturity to act out and hurt the ones who love us the most but we are human, part of becoming better is growing.

    By apologising for your misdemeanours and immature actions, in the way you are, takes growth so kudos to you for facing those emotions and giving a wonderful person the closure to that part in your story.

    You can’t look at seeking redemption from her, it will have to come within yourself but doing the morally correct thing by acknowledging your mistakes whilst facing her will be the turning point.

    Don’t over complicate or plan. Go in and show her rawness, authenticity and vulnerability. Face what you felt, tell her how you feel without putting up the protection to save yourself rejection and if she is the one for you like my partner was for me. She’ll want to show compassion. Don’t try and win her back tomorrow. Just apologise, if done sincerely she will see your actions and know you have made improvements.

    Be aware she will most likely say a lot of things which will hurt to hear. Don’t get your back up and RESPECT her choice. There has been a long space that means enough time to grow for you but also her, she may have moved on, may be in a relationship. Part of accountability is acceptance for the outcome of our actions. If luck and fate are on your side you’ll reconcile. If not, chalk it up as an experience that will make you a better man. It will have shown the courage within you to face your emotions and fears. You’ll never make the same mistake twice if you’ve learned, whether that’s with her or another woman.

    Handle her with care, she is a woman and as fierce and independent as they are. You need to have the emotional intelligence to understand that the female species is delicately balanced, emotional and that’s a beautiful thing not something to cringe, scoff or abuse.

    If it goes well, be patient don’t rush it. Re engage in a way you can naturally build the chemistry, trust and future with a fresh clean slate. Past left behind. I think based on what you described, where it ended is likely to play in your favour if a reconciliation happens, higher likelihood of success. When ex become co dependent, toxic and too involved then it is difficult to wipe the slate clean.

    Keep us posted. Just rest and dress well! A small token always breaks the ice.

     

    #369361
    Danny
    Participant

    THIS IS A REALLY LONG POST. I needed to write it out to digest what happened. I tried to paragraph it.

    @Kkasxo @Sammy @Shelbyville @Tim (thanks Tim for the pre advice) all of you please offer me your opinions. I don’t know how to navigate it from here.

    I’m a mess! I feel like I’m in that movie Inside Out and someone’s unable to keep up with my extreme swing in emotions.

    We had agreed to meet at Hyde Park because of Covid, but she messaged saying the weather was bad and she wasn’ feeling her Sunday run. I didn’t know what to say because I had finally built myself up to seeing her in person again but I didn’t want to push her.

    I replied “Np..When it rains, it pours! :)”

    (a pun with some truth lol)

    She replied asking if everything was ok or something had happened. I could tell she was concerned about my bro. My chest just ached. I hurt this woman and still she was so compassionate.

    I replied; “Nothing to worry about, wanted to talk to you in person. Enjoy your lazy Sunday and maybe we can rearrange for another time or meet today at St Pancras for takeout coffee instead?(first open place that came to my head where you can sit)”

    Before people jump on me for suggesting a meeting indoors during a lockdown, I thought the concourse would be quiet. Less interaction with people and risk.

    Anyway she read it but it wasn’t until 2 hours later she agreed. I scrambled to get ready and there ahead of time.

    It was so strange seeing her in the flesh after so long. ‘B’ always dressed well but she looked real good. I had forgotten just how great her figure was, I had to really just focus on why I was there but I have to admit I was feeling those feels again. As she approached me I could feel myself on the verge of blurting out something silly that would objectify her, so I just froze like an idiot. At this point I still had my mask up so she couldn’t see my expression at least.

    I had already got her, her favourite order from EL&N’s and I told her I felt guilty so I had brought 2 train tickets so we could have a valid reason for being in the station. I asked her if we could sit and chat.

    That’s when she suggested we make use of the tickets and she would feel better to hop onto the train (she was always fun) and talk in such open space. I wasn’t going to say no! It was slightly awkward as we walked towards the train, we managed some small talk and then she asked where we were going..Luton. It broke the ice and she started to laugh! I said if I had known she’d be game, I would have chosen the longest route!

    We got on and even managed to find an empty carriage. This is when I blurted out “I thought you would have been in touch?” I think just being with her again made me feel I wish it hadn’t been so long but that was not her fault of course. I don’t know WTF I was thinking!!

    Needless to say she got really annoyed, she said I should be grateful she had agreed to this, that even after we went our separate ways, she tried to at least see if I was OK whereas I had shut the door and cancelled her like she never existed. She said I had cut her out, I had stopped her from even enquiring about my bros health. She said some of us are respectful…that she wanted to respect my wishes and give herself the respect I didn’t. She softened and then said it doesn’t mean it was easy for her, she had wanted to to text but in the end she didn’t.

    I told her this may come as a surprise to her but I had been wanting to meet her for a while now, to make amends.

    I told her she may have left thinking she was just an unimportant person, but she was someone who came into my life and revolutionised it, challenged me, she was a mirror reflecting back everything she saw in me and I ran because I didn’t want to believe it, I was too scared to invest in someone for them to just leave me again. I said my behaviour was despicable and I acknowledged she didn’t deserve to be caught up in the crossfire of the overspill of hurt and pain from my past.

    I could see the sadness in the eyes, I could see her trying to bite down her lip to not let any tears fall. She said she wasn’t my ex. She said she didn’t deserve any comparisons in any shape or form. She was her own person with her own merits and values. She said she was someone who I had deliberately pushed away and projected onto because I was scared that someone actually accepted me.

    Seeing her again in flesh was difficult more hard then I ever thought, I felt everything from wanting to touch her like I once did to wanting the ground to swallow me up when she explained how much I hurt her.

    I told her I wanted her to unleash all the pain she had locked up and had been so kind to not reveal out of fear it would set me back. I wanted to know how I made her feel and I wanted to make amends in any way I could.

    She said she never once saw me with pity, she saw that exact pain in me and being who she was instinctively wanted to help, she said it was feeling someone’s pain not pitying them. She said that’s what made us grow closer that emotional connection that wanting to tell each other who we really were. She said she wanted to support me because she valued me.

    She said she liked my humour, my passion for music, my softer side etc and was able to see beyond the bad habits. However with every breakthrough I’d then put up another wall. She said she had always believed there was something special in the way we connected.

    She commented that as time went on she felt taken for granted, was not going to tolerate me expressing such contempt and toying with her feelings. She said I told her I didn’t want to be with her but then felt it was alright to then reap the benefits of what she offered. She had always known she deserved better but made allowances because she recognised I was still healing. She said if we had met at another time maybe the goodness she saw could have been at the forefront and given her what she deserved.

    She said initially she was relieved to not be exhausted by trying to show me she liked me for me. Then after the last contact it really hurt her and made her question if i had just used her all along especially when I told her I had moved on so quickly. It just appeared as if all along I had been taking advantage of her emotional support, she meant absolutely nothing and I had viewed her like a shiny new toy you discard when bored. She felt disrespected. She felt foolish.

    She said my desire for her had made her feel ugly, not wanted. She said she didn’t sleep with me not because she wasn’t attracted or that I wasn’t enough. She had old fashioned beliefs and she said it may sound stupid but there were plenty of men who wanted her outer beauty but she had so badly believed I’d appreciate her soul but with time it became obvious I had refused to nurture a relationship with someone who valued me and I had failed to value and respect her.

    The hardest part for her was that she was incapable of stopping herself from caring. She wanted to stop because of the way I treated her. But she couldn’t and over the months she just made peace with not beating herself up for being a good person.

    She said she had moved on and accepted it was another chapter in her life. She had always hoped that I’d prove her right. That what she saw in me was true but even if I hadn’t she was at peace.

    She said the fact I had reflected on my actions and had taken accountability like a true man was deeply appreciated, the gesture meant more than she could express.

    PI mentioned Golden and how it reminded me of her and she laughed that I had definitely grown for the better in the past 10 months if I can appreciate Harry’s tunes!

    I told her I never ever wanted her to lose that golden heart and I’m glad she still had the same outlook on life and I was deeply sorry for sucking her into my darkness.

    I told her I just felt scared to death if I let her in that she would have seen that I’m just a fake. But the irony is she already saw beyond my facade.

    I told her I’ve learned to stop taking the easy way out and blaming my problems or behaviour on my past or experiences. I had stopped the fear of it’s never enough. Yes, the pain was buried so deep inside of me but I was choosing it to be, I was the one making the poor choices. I was tired of using people to “heal the pain” and I was sorry she got hurt, the one person who saw me and accepted. I had started to accept me as I am and didn’t want to refresh my self-image with each new person to try and chase that unfillable void of being enough.

    I told her initially I did desire her sexually because she was beautiful, but I also felt us getting closer and had started revealing things I’d never would normally talk about and I too now saw how special that connection was. I told her that in the beginning I wanted to do well but I ended up reverting to my bad habits. That the pain i caused her was inevitable because I wasn’t self aware and it was my fault, no reflection on her or her worth. She was the most beautiful person I met inside and out.

    She said she didn’t feel the need to go over it further, she appreciated the self-reflection hoped that I had put the bad habits from the past to bed and she’s glad I took responsibility.

    There were tears but I tried my best to not shift focus on me because I was grateful she had given me the chance to meet her and say it all.

    I could see she was also happy, focusing on herself. She said being with me had just confirmed what she wanted if the next time she was to spend a lot of emotional effort and investment on somebody. She knew she was at a stage in her life she would only date to marry and didn’t want to get caught up in lockdown romances which were just talking stages with purpose to time pass. So I jokingly said you’re single and ready to mingle then? She just grinned.

    Even though much of it was intense conversation, the chemistry was insane. I briefly told her I had been doing thinking of my own on relationships. I wanted someone mature and able to express their feelings. It meant expressing mine finally and growing the heck up and today it was to tell her I had not given her what she deserved. Because relationships are truly give and take, and I was broken and all I did was take. I hope today I had done some giving.

    On the return journey for five minutes or so we both just sat in silence. She kind of leaned her head on my shoulder. I wanted to freeze the moment. When we got off onto the main concourse there was a beautiful Tree of Hope with a mini carousel saying  EL&N Wonderland she stopped and said remember Winter Wonderland last year and we got stuck at the top of the ride, she giggled and said that was good fun and seeing her spirit in person remembering how the smallest thing made her light up made me yearn for her even though she was right in front of me.

    She gave me a hug, she felt so warm but just like that she was gone. We spent 2 or so hours together but I don’t know if I am reading too much into it or romantasizing it but where we ended up meeting, some of the moments; jumping onto the train, the tree of HOPE, the comment on Wonderland it felt special. It felt like it was meant, just like her crossing my path all those months ago. P

    I don’t know where to go from here, I wanted to give her the space to release it all and be in peace. I think she gave most of it to herself already, that’s the difference I guess with knowing who you are and what you deserve. I didn’t push for a reunion but left a few hints. What do you all think?

    I haven’t texted her anything. She hasn’t either yet. A lot of painful stuff was said but I so feel lighter and I do think it will go a long way for her too.

     

    #369377
    Danny
    Participant

    I think because your name hyperlinked its awaiting moderation but @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo @Tim are you active on here?

    #369380
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Danny,

     

    I’m sorry I’ve not been able to respond. Honestly, everyone comes to this forum with their own background and I’ve been barely keeping my head above water. But that aside here is my input.

    That was an incredible intense meeting. A lot of things were discussed and brought to the surface. She does seem to be doing well and has a strong sense of self-worth and identity in many ways. It went as you would expect it to go in a best case scenario – no fighting, so screaming, no running away etc – all very calm, mature and understanding. Well done on being brave and it’s clear she appreciated it.

    It is a lot to process, for you and for her. Remember though that what you may be feeling, may not be what she is now feeling. I re-engaged with my ex a few times and each interaction I would depart from with ideas in my head, thinking there was still something there, that this said or that said meant something etc. Everyone will have a different perspective in those scenarios.

    I don’t know how long it’s been since the meet up? If you are interested in finding out if she would be open to having you remain in her life in some way, more communication will be needed. However, she will need the time to process first – I’m sure it has been a lot for her to take in.

    Sammy – I’m sorry you feel ignored but that has not been my intention. As you know, everyone on this forum has their own background and at various times, cannot give they way they would like and then at other times can pick up the slack for someone else who is faltering. It was not an ‘excuse’ that I’m busy, believe me. Most days I have to re-do my makeup ten times before zoom calls to cover my bulging eyes from crying from the level of drama and stress. I’m not coping, but I’m surviving and that’s all I can do right now.

    There are so many good people on here and I’m sure so many in your life, so please hang in there. You have been doing incredibly well – growing and learning so much – and you’re strong. You really are, don’t let alcohol think it has power over you because it doesn’t. Tim made an interesting point earlier, that if you don’t have something to focus on, your thoughts tend to dwindle downwards, that rings true for me in the past. I found the stillness, the isolation of my thoughts very hard to deal with over my lifetime – I always filled my time, with other people’s problems or dramas of my own. Therapy offered me an outlet to try and face just sitting with myself sometimes and my journal also helped.

    Covid restrictions are testing, that’s for sure, but even if you could get out for a run – it might help. Even in the rain, hot shower when you return and I bet it would feel good. Hang in there chick.

     

    Tim – WOW!!! I’m so beyond happy for you. Reading everything you have written, I can only smile at the thought of that little child having such a wonderful kind, self-aware emotionally intelligent Dad looking out for them. Like Rupert, they will be very blessed indeed. Good wishes to you and your lovely lady.

     

    I may not be able to respond again for a while, I’m currently skiving off work for ten minutes to write this post and work into late in the evenings. Keep the heads up folks, this adventure of life is not easy on anyone and I’ll post as soon as I can x

    #369382
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks so much mate for your reply. I did wonder if i was romantasizing it..but I don’t know she was always vocal about what she wanted. So she could have ruled it out. It all happened yesterday. An hour ago she said a simple thank you for yesterday.

     

    Should i give her space to digest? I have decided I’m not going to test the waters it’s what’s got me caught up in fear. I’m going to just ask her directly if getting to know one another for long term relationship is something she would consider. I have to be willing to risk it, I’ll not get another chance.

    Is there anything I can help or advise you on? You sound mega stressed. I would like to help in any way possible.

    #369376
    Danny
    Participant

    ANYBODY ON HERE?

    @Kkasxo

    @Sammy

    @Shelbyville

    @Tim

    #369461
    Tim
    Participant

    Hello @Danny mate,

    That went very well, from my personal experience I’d say you doing what you did will resonate deep within her. She has a high EI.

    Also I noticed @Shelbyville referenced her ex and if I was to use my experience with my first ex as a reference I’d agree with her sentiment that we may be looking for false hope in certain moments. However, in those situations we were the dumpees trying to find validation from the dumper.

    Your situation is like what I experienced with my current partner. Although they walked away themselves due to their self worth, we still felt aggrieved but they had actually wanted us but it was us who had pushed them away. Like ‘B’ pointed out we resisted nurturing a relationship with someone who valued us out of fear. So if she is like my partner and really had a soft spot for you, you have just done the best thing in acknowledging your role and apologising.

    Strike while the iron is hot, you could take the softly softly approach. Being friends etc but given how you describe her..being direct is your best option.

    Tell her you want her if that means proposing to meet her values do it! My partner and I when we reconciled I knew I was going to propose and we are now having a baby.

    I read your other thread and Anita’s description of ‘B’ was:

    “….seems amazing, an evolved woman, uniquely insightful, intelligent, empathetic..  amazingly mentally healthy and emotionally resourceful and generous.”

    I couldn’t agree more mate with all the above. She is one classy lady with a strong sense of self. During my ‘phase’ I met many women but I didn’t meet someone as emotionally intelligent, selfless and kind as my partner. These women are rare, which is why further down the line if you have grown enough, you’ll always regret treating these women wrong.

    Anita poignantly said “What are the chances you ever come across a woman like this again?” Plenty of women but very rare to find the gems. She supported you through a very turbulent time, she left with grace and allowed you to get your redemption. So if you are serious about settling down in life, serious about commitment then what you have there is a woman who will stand by you and be your anchor. This life is rough, to have someone supportive,not spooked or rattled by our weaknesses and anxieties makes the journey better.

    By proposing it will show you are serious, it will show you are no longer the unavailable, immature boy who was scared of real love.

    Bare in mind she may say no but like I said love is a risk. Part of the risk is rejection. Being authentic, vulnerable and showing your true self always is better than putting up walls and not experiencing the real thing.

    Keep us updated! I have a good feeling about your chances mate 👍

    @Shelbyville

    Thank you for you very kind words, I’m beyond chuffed. I still can’t quite believe I’m going to be a Dad to a tiny human being – currently the size of a kumquat!

    Rupert would have been a great big bro, very bittersweet. I’m grateful though.

    You seem to be under an immense amount of stress. Have you reached out to those around you? Confided in your boyfriend? You’re not alone, I’m happy to offer any guidance or experience whether that’s to do with work circumstances or your relationship. So if you wish feel free to share. There will always be negative thoughts with anxiety and it’s not easy being empathetic and kind in a very demanding world so don’t fight who you are . Just learn to change your response to the negativity. I’m here if you need to talk doll.

    #369559
    Danny
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    Thanks man for the guidance and encouragement, it’s really helped. This whole forum has been a god send, wish I had come on it sooner instead of listening to the lads!

    Speaking of the lads one thing she mentioned and was very vocal about was she didn’t appreciate the way I had made out she was ‘weak’ for caring even after I treated her bad (the lads really did give shit poor advice and partly was me projecting my own insecurities/feelings of inadequacies onto her.) She said her good qualities such as loyalty, kindness etc had been distorted to make it appear she had low self esteem but that irritated her as she knew who she was, how to assert her feelings and it was kind of pathetic how this generation is normalising this as simping and unhealthy. When she had no intention to give to get.

    She said this is when she really realised I didn’t value her at all as a person for who she was. I was really saddened because tbh at first I did assume she was one of those who wanted to exchange, then I pushed her away for being kind because I couldn’t get over the fear and my own insecurities.

    Any tips on how to fix this, do I just show more appreciation? @Shelbyville is this what you meant by journey mate some teach you to value real qualities not superficial ones fed to us by social media?

    I wasn’t aware of @Shelbyville’s exact situation with her ex but the way you’ve explained it now makes sense. @Shelbyville is on the money about needing to communicate otherwise I will only cook up more hope in my head with nothing solid.

    She did text and I text her back saying thank you for teaching me to be better and accepting my apology. I joked I’m glad you don’t hate me and she replied I could never :)…I haven’t mentioned anything to do with reconciling but I know this week she is mega busy with work. However this open communication I’m going to take as a green light and give her a call on Friday night and just tell her directly how I feel.

    Anita and yourself are right, how often will I come across a woman who has a heart like hers, intelligent, caring, generous and beautiful too. Why couldn’t I see it before? I wish I’d come on here sooner to gain from your experiences. I mean she was a keeper just for accepting me for who I am and being loyal when we were unofficial imagine her as a wifey..I was such a dick!!

    However I don’t want to just say hey let’s get married. I definitely see clearly now and know she is someone I want to wifey but I think she deserves a special proposal so I will tell her I’m am wanting to commit to a relationship and take it at her pace with no pressure and will respect her and not be a dick about the home run, wait until she is ready…if she will give me a chance. I also want her to experience my romantic side, build that romantic attraction by spending more time with her, giving her that purity I gave to ‘A’ because I had no baggage. ‘B’ deserves that more, she was often the one putting all the effort in, making cool date plans but I want to wine and dine her, spoil her build those butterflies in her.  Re discover her properly and show her i value all the things I took for granted and scorned before. I hope I’m not getting ahead of myself..please keep everything crossed for me. @Sammy if you’re reading say a little prayer!!

    #369572
    Tim
    Participant

    Danny boy,

    She has a valid point mate by treating people with empathy, kindness using emotional intelligence exhibiting the qualities she did, didn’t make her weak or a simp. If you had been mature enough you’d have realised that then instead of listening to stupid lad bait or social media. Too many people advise playing game’s. This will do nothing but cause you to get confused feelings, whereas it appears she was actually strong for being authentic and sticking to her virtues. Many people don’t know who they are or are inauthentic. You need to be vulnerable, that means putting ego aside, if you are still feeling insecure/unworthy, I’d suggest working on that beforehand so if given the chance you don’t slip into those bad habits.

    I read the other thread. I do think you are being sincere and not looking for another notch on your belt. I understand your reasoning perhaps you didn’t word it very well. So don’t let yourself completely spiral! You are growing and commend yourself for being brave and facing her in person to make amends. Many men wouldn’t. So kudos to you.

    Just communicate honestly and respect her wishes. I’ll try and reply. If not I hope @Kkasxo @Sammy and @Shelbyville can advise you over the weekend.

    Good luck, don’t undo your hard work mate 👍

    #369573
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim

    Thanks dude, that post on my forum just really upset me. I just meant I didn’t want to make a desperate grand gesture and plaster over everything that happened. I wanted to be with her and commit to it, show her through my actions I’ve changed and grown up. I just feel like if strangers think so little of me, what hope have I got with someone I hurt.

    #369574
    Tim
    Participant

    Just about to head to bed have an early start with work but I couldn’t agree more. I know I mentioned proposing but in the manner I did. I knew before any reconciliation I thought we could be a long term prospect and I committed to that goal. I think calling her on Friday to propose right away would be ridiculous:

    1. You need to clarify what she wants, then respect that choice. She may not even want a reconciliation so to thrust a proposal on her would be unfair.

    However, you have momentum so communicate openly about your feelings and be vulnerable. If she gives you a chance tell her you want to date with the intention to marry her, that’s what it needs to be by sounds of it to uphold her values. Follow it up by a proposal within 3-6 months..you will do this naturally if you are serious and committed to that goal. Bare in mind you will be starting a fresh you are not the same people you were when you first met, you have both grown. Hopefully that growth will make your new relationship stronger. Yet it is still a risk and even if you were to date and propose she may say no still.  There’s no guarantee so you have to accept that.

    Only reconcile if you are ready for a long term commitment and that risk, I think you are given your above post. It’s showing wisdom.

    #369649
    Danny
    Participant

    Thanks Tim for showing some faith in me and understanding my perspective.

    I called her last night,  I just didn’t want to long it out.  I said please give me a few minutes to get this off my chest, then you can respond however you like and I’ll respect your choice.

    I told her I had been thinking, wanted to be direct and honest. That I regret what happened and taking accountabilty and apologising was not to win her back it was to give her the peace, full closure and respect she deserved back then and amend for the pain I caused.

    I said I’d really been reflecting on my future and what I wanted from an adult relationship. It was someone who believed in me, cared, supported me emotionally and encouraged me to be better, someone who will be the warmth for the old achy bones when I’m old.

    It made me realise I had everything I had ever needed and I let it go. I told her I would love the opportunity for us to reconcile so I can show her the man she saw in me. I told her I see her as someone I want to be with long term and wifey, I was willing to take it at her pace because the connection we shared was special, she was the only person I’ve been my raw self with. I told her to not ask for a chance would forever play on my mind because we have the potential to foster a healthy, happy life together.

    I told her she has changed my life already in so many ways and it was her who had helped save me from drowning in my pain and past. I said I wanted to be that person for her too not just the one who sucked her into his darkness. One who could shine bright with her and help her too when she was having a bad day. Most of all I wanted to do right by her and will respect any outcome.

    She was silent for a bit after, felt like an eternity. She said she wasn’t expecting that at all. She had genuinely been touched by the apology and accountability in person but had closed that chapter many months ago by herself but was so happy to see I had matured and growth was happening. It made all the pain worthwhile for her.

    She said she would be lying if she said she hadn’t wished we would reconcile at one point. There had been times she had wanted to contact me because she never stopped caring, but she was respectful. Also she knew in her heart for reconcilliation, I would have to make it happen because she wasn’t the one who was unsteady in her feelings. She said I wanted you but you didn’t want me and that feeling is not easy to overcome. So it had made her moving on easier, she knew she deserved better. Now she said she has reservations. She also said she is happy with where her life is at she is doing well and is always growing.

    She said we had an instant soul connection, however the comparisons to the ex, the lack of value to who she was as an individual and being objectified made her believe that I may do that all again especially if she didn’t escalate the physical side because she had made a conscious choice. She mentioned if my self esteem was still healing then the what ifs from insecurities could hold us back again. She said wiping the slate clean and starting afresh sounds easy but would only work if both people have grown and wanted the same things.

    I told her I could say many words to convince her but the proof would always be in the pudding.

    If she was willing to rediscover each other and the new version of us from growth and start a fresh relationship like we had never met before, it was something I would work hard at and show her through my actions how much I admire and actually respect her. I said I wasn’t looking to be a yes man like I was with ‘A’ but I was looking to be 100% authentic and vulnerable with her, express my feelings and wanted to show her that softer side, the romantic side that I had trouble accepting after my past and was scared to invest out of fears.

    I said I had arrived at the same point as her wanting a serious relationship that nurtures value, respect and love for one another. That communication between us had been good and it would go strength to strength that now i wasn’t afraid, i had healed and let go of my past.

    I told her that the time I spent with her was the time I felt my best, grew in confidence and felt challenged to be and do better.

    I wanted to invest for a long term relationship, a future with her and respect her values, to communicate if we hit a bump and show her I was driven to foster a healthy relationship with her.

    I said I didnt want her to feel pressured to make a choice, I wanted what would make her happy because she spent all that effort and energy the first time making me happy and I know I was too immature back then to acknowledge what an awesome, intelligent, generous and caring woman I had.

    If she wants me to not be a part of her life, I’ll accept it and hope my apology and remorse helped her even a little. I would wish her happiness and know damn well whichever man ends up with her will be one lucky son of a gun!! I told her, I understood if, she would rather invest emotional energy into someone new who was capable of valuing her right away.

    She said it was a lot to digest, said we had never been toxic or abusive, she had felt the potential for a long lasting relationship was there but it could have been an illusion. She doesn’t know the implications it could have on me if we reconciled then she felt it wasn’t right for her because she had grown too.

    I felt her confusion and told her I’m sorry. I told her to think about it. I told her to think what’s best for her, not the implications on me if it didn’t work out because I know now I wanted to take the risk, I had grown to be brave enough to face my issues and felt sure within myself the growth i had been doing would set us up for a beautiful future together. I said I know I took granted and disrespected her but I will show her I will not repeat those grave mistakes.

    She said she didn’t want to be cruel and take too long but she would need the weekend to just think. I said take your time. I look forward to taking you out on our first date. (I wanted to show her confidence in my choice)

    I just have to sit tight and wait. Which is the hardest part. What do you think based on above is is 50/50? @Tim @Shelbyville @Sammy @Kkasxo ?

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 11 hours ago by Danny.
    #369657
    Tim
    Participant

    Hello mate,

     

    Kudos to you for being brave! It’s not easy to do especially when you’ve faced heart crushing rejection in the past. You’ve just overcome a major obstacle so be proud!

    You need to give yourself some credit. You may have handled things very poorly before but you’ve put in the effort to make amends, better yourself and mature. The above posts reflects that in your actions. You really sound like a boy who has become a man. Someone who is respectful of others emotions, showing vulnerability and giving well wishes if the outcome doesn’t favour you.

    Over the weekend try and find something to focus on other than the outcome. Let her decide in peace, be confident if you are meant to be it will be because you’ve done everything possible and proactively. Whatever she decides is her choice. Her feelings are not to be minimised.

    You presented yourself well and the rest is down to fate. Don’t let it discourage the growth. Keep yourself propelling forwards regardless of the outcome.

    Given what she said, I’d say it really is 50/50. She really did accept and want you but she clearly is a woman of self worth and knows she deserves more. It’s down to her to decide if she wants to risk it to ascertain if you can give her more long term.

    I honestly believe reading your posts, you are looking to be your improved self but not willing to lose yourself i.e. beg, be a yes man or contort entirely for the relationship. That will make your relationship healthier and you more attractive to her. She is the same too, not willing to lose her values and accept less.

    I think you have a good chance mate, I really do. Fingers crossed for you. If all goes well let me give you some sage advice, man to man and based on my experience.

    You will need to build the trust, attraction and respect all over again. Don’t get complacent.

    I see resemblance of myself in you. We are both men with high drives. Great sex can sometimes create a false feeling we call love. It’s actually just an attachment to the other that can be strong due to the hormones released. To base a future decision on this is immature. You may think that’s what you need a test run, if you push for that with her you’ll wind up where you started causing her to feel used and disrespected.

    From experience, I would say, don’t consider it something that can keep a relationship together over the long haul.

    You two seem compatible emotionally and that is significantly more important. In many relationships there is great sex but the other parts like feeling understood,  having emotional needs met, being authentic can begin to feel starved when the sex/lust wears off. Incompatibility becomes an issue.

    So consider being each others support, sounding boards, etc more valuable. Building a strong foundation of friendship and then the other parts, you will not go wrong. I promise, if you connect in that way when you eventually do the deed you will be able to communicate each others needs to create fireworks. This is what mature adult relationships entail.

    The ones that thrive on drama and highs and lows always end. I speak from experience.

    If you need any other advice let me know however I will not be able to respond over the weekend. Don’t do anything foolish! Anxiety can kick in but just sit with it !

     

    Good luck mate👍

    Tim

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 7 hours ago by Tim.
    #369675
    Danny
    Participant

    Respect 👊 thanks so much mate. My bros been trying to drill the same in me. I try not to bother him with my woes as he has been through so much. So I really appreciate the help I’ve received.

    You are both in happy long term relationships so must be doing something right. His partner was his strength during a really tough time of illness. He suffered depression after as a result and she still stood by him. So I get what you mean.

    I’m willing to be celibate if it means! I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I’ve been thinking positive vibes so they manifest. It has been working,  I’m excited if she gives me a chance, that initial courting phase is meant to be light and fun, she was so compassionate and selfless during our first time because truth be told, I was sinking mostly.  So I think about how I would spoil her and take her on memorable fun dates! Build our relationship. I really hope she gives it a chance.

    Tim thanks for being my virtual bro. Your lady is lucky to have such a wise loving man!

    @Shelbyville @kkasxo @Sammy are any of you active to give your insight…

     

     

     

     

    #369679
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    I’ll catch up on your posts over the weekend and come back to you. But having a quick skim read I’m getting a good vibe & howdy neighbour 😉

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