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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #368521
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville I did text him, that I was always going to do whatever the situation, I think it’s the bare min you can do for any human you know, to wish someone HB make them feel special on their day. I just didn’t know whether to go one step further.

    It’s funny I always looked forward to his birthday because it was around Halloween. When I look back from last Halloween to this weekend, it’s crazy how much things changed, we had our issues but I was so happy this time last year. Anyway me being me I knew he would have no one to spoil him or throw him a party, I had organised it for the last many years. I wanted to also return his gesture of the Hendrick’s which he took with him but 2 days later sent flowers and cookies as a replacement.

    I sent him a hoody and advent calendar. He called to say thanks and if he could call around and I said I’d think about it and I would call him today once his birthday had passed. So I called him at lunch and told him, I still care but I have lost the trust, I think we should drop the contact and limit it to contact on holidays only. I want to work on myself alone, possibly even date other people and he should do the same if after a year he stills feels the same about me and we both are available then maybe we are meant to be and can reconcile. Right now he has a lot of growth to do. He agreed to it surprisingly so I don’t know what to think.

    I feel though I’m well aware now that the relationship was a bad fit for me and that I deserved better and it would only lead to misery for both of us unless we both changed. I feel responsible for the co-dependency created so I didn’t want to be a bitch and cut him off entirely. Who knows? Feelings can change, I don’t know anymore!!!! Right now this lockdown is a major concern. I’m scared it may make me drink again from feeling lonely. I’m trying to decide if I should move back to my parents.

    Anyway, I would say quit! Do what makes you happy, are you able to financially?

    Also, read you still feel unsure in your relationship still :(, the new guy has introduced you to parents, you’re practically living together, and labeled your relationship. Does this not reassure you?

    I do worry about whether you’ve worked through your attachment issues properly. With your guy friend you mentioned you were scared to get attached too then disappointed etc, you felt the loss with guy 1 too. Like @Kkasxo so wisely said to @Danny until you crack those underlying emotional issues, you’re always going to go back in your ways eventually. Things may be good for a while until something happens and you feel insecure or needing reassurance again and it all falls apart.

    Have you shared your anxiety maybe that will get you to connect deeper and he can then be more aware of how to adapt his ways? Someone laid back will instinctively go with the flow, not think too hard about how anxious thoughts occur unless they are also naturally empathetic. This may help;

    http://www.bustle.com/p/if-youre-unsure-of-your-relationship-ask-yourself-these-15-questions-to-get-sudden-clarity-15879967

    This year needs to end already !!

    #368522
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny

    Yeh, you made mistakes but you are doing what most guys would never do. Stepping up and taking accountability in person. So you can at least forgive yourself and work on learning to do better. We can’t change our past but we can change our future. No one can say for sure if she is going to be part of your future but the only chance you have is by actually not self-pitying and taking it upon yourself to make those improvements. Even if you do not get the second chance this may be the most humbling thing like it has been for my ex.

    Many men will take the easy way out and text,

    “I’m so sorry…please forgive me… and you deserve more”

    They will never face you so it feels insincere we never actually get anything from it and is just another smack in the face and sign of how they haven’t actually learned if they had they would confront it like a man. She will respect you a lot for that if she is how you described her. I feel she would also not ignore your request given how good-natured she is but whatever you do, do not play on that.

    I have lost trust in my ex we were on and off for over 4 years. It is an entirely different situation even though I drew parallels. The main thing is how far you crossed her boundaries and that will determine everything. I really do not think you should even broach getting back. Just apologise sincerely to her and ask her if she can remain in your life in any way. The ball is in her court, whatever she wants to do respect it, be selfless let her go if deep down you know you can not change your ways to be better for her. Let her find happiness if you will not meet her needs. Don’t take advantage of her kind nature and win her over then hurt again.

    A simple text asking her how she is and if she is able to talk further. Then take it from there.

    #368523
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thanks for your story and taking the time to read my contributions, sometimes telling your own story and not giving any advice is just as useful. I have usually been good at being objective and most of my friends always come to me apparently I’m good but when it comes to oneself we lose clarity and like you said our minds play tricks on us. Anyway, good luck with your journey.

    #368524
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny

    Just listened to Golden you mentioned, it’s a tune. Listening to the lyrics I can see why you really miss her maybe you could make a reference to Harry Syles in your text might break the ice but don’t be manipulative. Let us know how you get on.

    #368567
    Danny
    Participant

    Hello @Shelbyville is that a reference to Simpsons?

    Thanks for your response mate and the advice to stop kicking myself when I’m down. Thing is it’s hard when you finally acknowledge you did wrong, it weighs on your conscience heavily. I can’t explain. Like a veil being lifted and suddenly you see the domino effect of your actions all because I was not mature enough to heal properly from A’s actions first.

    You’re right, I have regret. I’ve taken the lessons because even though I had not confronted my real feelings for ‘B’ up until now, after her I knew better. I treated ‘C’ well.

    I will forever regret the chance I never took. I regret not being a better healed person to have treated her the way I know I’m capable of because I treated ‘A’ with that purity. If anyone has proven they deserved that it was ‘B’. She seriously is the only one who accepted me before I had even accepted myself.

    @Kkasxo so aptly said hurt people hurt people. Its true after ‘A’ l was devastated but in my heart I’m finding it so difficult to justify or rationalise what I did to ‘B’. She was compassionate enough to not lash or give me grief for how i treated her when she left when she could’ve been cruel even for ego sake. So it makes you feel even more crappy.

    What did you mean she may have arrived at that point and took the brunt of my pain? Do you think she took pity?

    I also have a question why do you think I need to move on and leave her be after apologising? Is it from experiences or do you think I’m not what she deserves?

    I know i will need to accept it’s happened, i just hope I can have that one last moment with her if it is the last to make her feel special. To take that pain i caused her away because and accountability.

    @Sammy thanks mate, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t verbally or physically abuse her. I’m not like that however I didn’t treat her well.

    I miss her terribly not because I’m lonely because I realised too late how special she was. I just honestly want to talk to her express my remorse, hear her voice and be sure she’s happy and be sure she hasn’t lost that outlook she had on people and life because she crossed paths with a dick like me. She really was Golden.

    If she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me in any shape or form. I have grown enough to leave her be. I really don’t want to hurt her any further.

    I’m going to message her tonight.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Danny.
    #368632
    Britney
    Participant

    <section>It is not uncommon for men with erectile dysfunction (ED) to feel angry, frustrated, sad, or even unsure of themselves. While there are many medical causes of ED, studies have shown that men with ED may be twice as likely to develop clinical depression as compared to those without ED.

    Depression that accompanies ED is treatable. The first step in overcoming depression is to be honest with yourself, your partner, and your doctor. After depression has been brought out into the open, coping with it will be easier and less stressful.

    </section><section>
    <h2 id=”1-2″>Recognizing Depression With ED</h2>
    Depression is an illness marked by persistent sadness, feelings of hopelessness, and a pessimistic outlook. The most common symptoms of depression include:

    • Low self-esteem
    • Loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities
    • Fatigue
    • Changes in appetite
    • Sleep disturbances
    • Apathy

    Depression affects the way one feels about oneself and the way one thinks about life. People who are depressed cannot simply “pull themselves together” and get better. Without treatment, symptoms of depression can persist for months or even years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression get back on track.

    </section>Treating ED

    Sildenafil: Cenforce, Cenforce 100

    #368657
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Britney thanks for your post but the majority of us are ladies so ED is not a possibility?? Bar @Shelbyville none of us have partners to be concerned about, so confused as to why you posted it here. Is it an AD/promo??

    @Danny given what you’ve written I doubt it is aimed at you so don’t take it personally considering you and Tim are the only guys on here. I came on to wish you luck, I read the other posts on your forum and they are right, just do it. The more time you spend dwelling on it, the bigger the fear will get. You want to make amends so just speak the truth. None of us can say what she deserves, she will tell you for herself. Anything is possible if you work hard for it and prove it. The benefit is unlike me you two haven’t been intimate, a bit like @Tim whose posts you may want to read. He managed to turn it around with therapy and growth.

    So there may be room to create a new chapter as @Kylee said. Just be patient and accepting of any outcome. Don’t guilt her she owes you nothing. You now have to balance the books, make up for it. You’re not a fuckboy it’s obvious you were a boy though, thinking with the wrong thing. So now it’s time to be a man and I believe she really must have seen the potential in you to stick by you so fulfill that potential and shine bright.

     

     

    #368718
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy

    Loool that did bring a smile to me this morning. No ED here :p so no offence taken. How random though? Where can I find @Tims post?

    Yh I agree I was childish. At the end of the day I could blame it on the lads advice or my fear of being hurt again. Truth is I wasn’t compelled. I chose those actions at the time so I have to live with the consequences. The key is that I’m glad I’m feeling remorse, it weighs heavily on me and will until I’ve made amends to her in person. I’ve made the changes in my life to not repeat it. That’s a ray of hope, i have confronted it and I’m remorseful the goodness she saw is there. I need to believe I can be that potential like you said and shine bright.

    I’ve put it off for so long that we have entered a lockdown. I feel if I broach it now, if she replies…she will have a genuine excuse to say no to a meet. Which makes me think am I thinking further ahead than I should. I honestly want to make amends foremost but I can’t lie there is a part of me that hopes for more. Have I even grown? Delaying it is more likely to benefit  me. So am I being selfish again?

     

    When I do, I will post back. Thank you Sammy for the honesty, guidance and support. Thank you @Kkasxo for off the bat seeing and treating me with kindness. @Shelbyville for the advice to forgive myself and reminding I’m human prone to mistakes.

     

    Danny

     

     

    #368823
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Danny,

    Good luck with whatever approach you take. Just remember, you’re growing and evolving and presumably so is she. She might as I said before just have been a journey mate, there to teach you something, but perhaps not to stay. Who knows.

    I noticed you asking some questions of @kkasxo that seemed to have a core nugget of insecurity or low self worth still. Whether we think you’re good enough for ‘B’, whether she deserves better. Work on you own self, for your own self. Not for an outcome, just make yourself the best version of yourself in life that you can be proud of, no matter who you bump into in life.

    I think when we start from that point that ” I am good. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am kind’ and go from there, we can only attract good things. Because regardless of what you have done in the past, I can already see from what you’ve posted that you are all these things. So you have a lot to offer and with time and growth, even more to offer the world. So focus on your self growth and being the person you want and know you can be and take it from there.

     

     

    #368827
    Danny
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thank you mate for your response. I’m not sold on this journey mate thing. She was rare man, I feel personally that’s just what we tell ourselves to protect ourselves from experiencing potential loss again or being rejected. I accept there is a high likelihood ‘B’ will reject me. However, I want to give it that chance I never did because I was scared. To really make a breakthrough is to risk it. I’ve lost her already now I have only to gain.

    I know you’re probably thinking because I hurt her in the way I treated her she will have evolved presumably to not be treated like that again. Thing is I never will treat her like I did, ever. If what you say is true I am all those things she saw in me already then if I put the effort in I can prove I’ve changed to be better. I can shine. If she was able to see past my flaws when even I couldn’t it proves the depth of her heart, the kindness of her soul. She has the ability to see things with goodness. I have no intention of playing on that but I will be authentic and sincere. If she decides to give me that chance I will most definitely not be foolish to screw it up again. If I’m rejected then I wish her nothing but happiness and hope my sincere apology in person gave her peace and at least let’s her know and feel how she wasn’t insignificant but played a pivotal role in bringing me out of darkness and made me want to be, do better. There are not many people who bring that out of you without trying to benefit.

    It’s been 10 months and I’ve already grown and the reflection about ‘B’ asking myself about her inner beauty. I said before desire and my immaturity got me caught up with only seeing her outer and only focusing on the lack of advancement in the physical side which made me butthurt.

    ‘B’ saw I was worthy. I was valuable etc she accepted me before I accepted myself. She cared for me, she encouraged growth, she was funny and so much more. She had abundant of qualities you want in a partner when your bones are old and worn. When I embraced her I’d feel her warmth radiate.

    I don’t want her to be just my journey mate. I want to fight for the right person. Not the likes of A who cheated or the ones who made me feel status quo.

    I will keep you updated. Thanks for looking out for me. I guage you are trying to possibly protect me and I know 95% she would never hate me but may not want me in her life but that 5% for me she is worth and deserves to be fought for and I was the dick who reduced those odds by realising too late but if maybe I had tried too soon she would know I’d not done much work. I fought to dissociate from her, i fought to suppress my feelings for her,  i fought to convince myself she deserved better etc. I take full accountability and now it’s time to fight for her.

     

    Danny

    #368831
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny yeah you get the random post on here about promoting a website, first for an ED medication. You would think they’d remove promo posts, anyway, you can find @Tim ‘s posts by clicking on his tag and also from pages in the 100s on this thread. You’re not being selfish, you are allowed to think about what you would like that is natural but put that aside when approaching her, ensure your actions don’t hurt her so if she is showing signs of raw pain then don’t push her for reconciliation. If you are willing to be brave then that means risking rejection which is a high possibility but like I said before who are any of us to decide what she wants or deserves. She may have grown and realised you are not for her but there is also that chance she may be willing to chance it if she saw so much in you. Unless you ask you’ll never know her true feelings, being an adult means confronting them with vulnerability and authenticity. It looks like you have got your shit together and are on the right road to being a better person. Just be prepared for whatever outcome and continue to be that potential she saw because it can only bring you good.  I think it’s good you are facing your fears too. It’s what got you in the mess. You will not lose either way if she gives you a chance again great, if she indicates she has moved on then you will have made amends and taken accountability like a man, you’ll also feel lighter.

    I’ll keep an eye out for your responses on your thread. Best of luck!

    @Shelbyville

    I don’t think this thread is serving me right now because it causes negative feelings when I always take time out to post a response to everyone whatever little I can do to help. Sometimes I feel my responses are ignored. I just get the feeling I’m an afterthought and at times the one doesn’t relate to so CBA to engage with or “too busy” to respond to unless something is worth responding to. That is a feeling I’ve struggled with all my life and it will cause me to spiral when I feel lonely during a lockdown. I don’t want to go back to alcohol. So the easiest solution is not to post on it.

    I stuck around after Tim went because I didn’t want you to feel that loneliness, @KKasxo is back now so I won’t feel bad.

    I hope you settle into your job and feel happier, I hope your new relationship offers you what you need and want. You deserve happiness.

    @Kkasxo, @Lucie, @Michelle, @Tim I hope you all keep well and making progress in each of your journeys and I wish you happiness and peace x

     

    #368882
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy mate,  if you need someone to talk to I’d like to offer a listening ear. I’ll try my best to not remind you of your ex or refreshen any pain.

    Try not to misuse alcohol, it’s not worth it. You said to me dont live in fear. You need to not be scared too, sometimes being alone can be the most productive. It made me reflect on what or who I am. What I need to change within me.

    Don’t think of no response as if no one cares. I have appreciated your advice, straight talking and guidance equally as the insight shared by @Kkasxo and @Shelbyville. So thanks mate 👍

    #368902
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny thanks it means more to me than you know, I think a break and sitting alone and learning to be comfortable is what is needed.

    See you are not the only a ‘dick’ you make out, you have just shown compassion to a total stranger.  You are all the things she saw in you, which makes me feel sad because you really didn’t see it. I am not overly religious but in March I started to want to go to Sunday Service again, so I’ll say a little prayer for you. I hope you get to a place of feeling content. I hope ‘B’ still cherishes you and it works out. I’ll keep lookout 🙂

    #369020
    Tim
    Participant

    Recently I kept receiving notifications but my life has been very chaotic to respond. In short, my partner and I are expecting. It was a shock but we are overjoyed. It cemented my decision to propose even further. I’ve also started a new job since being made redundant. It’s been bittersweet I lost Rupert but I’ll be gaining a new member of the family soon. After reading a few posts I felt impelled to reply.

    @Sammy how are you doll? Something deeper is troubling you it seems.. You’ve made so much progress of late, don’t let yourself become defeated now. I sense you feel lost without something to focus your thoughts on. I can imagine helping @Shelbyville then dealing with your ex has given you plenty to tune into. When it comes to tuning out you become unsettled.

    This feeling of needing a focus can be a good thing if utilised in a productive manner and used to set career/personal goals but it can also be equally destructive if the thoughts spiral and you become transfixed in a negative thought pattern.

    @Shelbyville, I or whoever you feel has not responded might just be extraordinarily busy.

    However this does not diminish your feelings in any way. If you feel like thar it is better to voice it always. People around you who care can adjust their behaviour. Don’t let your mind assume your input is irrelevant. You offer a lot of sage advice.

    I’ve been on both ends of extremities, with my first ex I people pleased and with the breakup I became selfish to protect myself.

    There is an element of you over extending there, you give too much of yourself and when it’s not returned in the form you deliver you feel abandoned sometimes or used.

    People by their very nature can be selfish unknowingly. I’ve been guilty of being that myself in the past. So to overcome that feeling of being used, learn to set boundaries. Learn to not have expectations if you want to give because very few people are truly altruistic and selfless.  It’s ok to feel hurt, it’s ok to pull back and take time out. What’s not ok is self loathing and allowing the thoughts to make you feel unhappy/unimportant.

    So chin up doll, you have done remarkably well.

    @Lucie how are you feeling doll? Has moving back with your mum helped in getting more access to healing yourself? Thinking of you, nausea can be awful with anxiety, lying on you tummy overhanging off the bed and deep breathing helps me!

    @Kkasxo you have offered very compassionate insight to Danny quite remarkable. I hope you manage to find peace and pets are an amazing comfort. The unconditional love can be very healing. Again I picked up on Mr A. I will not impart male advice unless you ask but the offer always stands.

    @Shelbyville Career change limbo can be draining! Hang in there though because financially the economic market is looking gloomy.

    I know the exact feeling you turn up to work feeling uninspired because it’s been an insidious creep of inauthenticity, and it’s eating you from the inside out. You don’t enjoy your job in fact you probably can’t stand it, you become tired of putting on a false pretense.

    For me the one thing that’s helped because I can not afford the financial implications of quitting especially with a baby on the way. It’s been my home – my partner. She’s proven to be the anchor. This is why I think it’s really vital in a relationship to have someone who can see your vulnerabilities, anxieties and not become rattled when you need to vent, offers comfort and support when you need to unload, to be the calm amongst the chaos.

    Doing something for yourself too as an outlet a side project for me it’s Lego helps tune out. Reduce working hours and again not over extending so taking lunch, taking time to message back your friends and family. I hope that helps. I sympathise with how you feel.

    @Danny

    Let me state this, you are not an evil person. You have made some schoolboy errors. Let me be your hope at redemption. It’s entirely possible but only if you forgive yourself and commit to evolving into being the improved version, becoming self aware and managing your emotions.

    I’m not an advocate for getting back with a toxic ex. My first ex nearly destroyed me. However ‘B’ sounds like a wonderful quality partner..so in the same breath I would never rule anyone out, arbitrarily, just because they were an “ex”.

    The biggest question you need to ask yourself truthfully is;

    1. Am I doing this out of loneliness? If the answers yes, do not approach her. Leave her alone. You will hurt her again. She does not deserve that at all.

    I had a similar experience you did and it made me the man I am today, my previous posts go in depth. I made mistakes but the key is in making amendments and forgiveness.

    It’s the only way forward. To give yourself a clean break, let go of the past and start a future anew. She can be a part of your new future, if you fix up for yourself. I’m living proof and about to have a child and marry my own ‘B’ . Good luck mate 👍

    #369323
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim

    Dude thanks! I’m not lonely, I was in a relationship with C but unfulfilled so I reflected and faced a lot I had tried to bury. She is the only one who saw all of me. I want to make amends,  I read your previous posts so useful. Wish me luck mate. Any tips on how you approached it the first time you reconnected in person?

    The ball is rolling, few short moments ago she agreed to see me for a short while tomorrow. Congrats on the news mate, gives me so much hope! Fingers crossed!

     

    @kkasxo @sammy @shelbyville I think I’ll be needing your insight in the aftermath. I don’t eant to screw this up. I feel sick.

     

     

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