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I am in love with my best friend but he loves someone else.

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  • #369595
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    You are very welcome, Lula, and thank you for your prayers and love. I am glad to read that you don’t want to waste your time thinking about him. We will have plenty of time to think and communicate about him- and anything else that will come to your mind- after the test. When you are done with your test next month, feel free to return to your thread. I will be glad to read from you at that time and reply further.

    anita

    #369689
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes sure❤

    #370265
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Heyy @anita and @Tim</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”> </span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I hope u both are in good health and spirit.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I am done with my exam that i told u about. I did my best in my exams and i m gonna have a good score❤.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Soo let me answer ur thoughts abt him that u shared about in upper thread. </span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”3. I couldn’t stop noticing that you wrote that the two of you sexted. Now, how can it possibly be that he allegedly never considered that you have loving feelings for him while and after sexting???</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>And, how can he possibly not have considered that you have feelings for him while he repeatedly talked to you romantically???”</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I know him very well,more than anyone. I had already told u that he is a good guy. He cannot* hurt anyone . </span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>See he said that this year when i felt like this girl is doing so much for me ,so i thought that may b she develops feelings or thinks of anything like that . So he didn’t tell me at that time but he tried to create space when he had exams. We used to talk aftr a week ,on weekends jst. He thought that if there were any feelings so it could end by this space .If he wanted all this to happen ,to develop my feelings for him intentionally,he would never have created that space too. </span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Next thing is that he had in his mind was that how can she develop feelings for me when she knows that i have a gf.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>And abt those talks he only thought of me as his friend,bcz at that time he had in his mind was that it’s okay to talk with a close friend like this.I think he took this idea from movies or friends that love is always in the heart.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I know what he did was wrong after all his thoughts which had been wrong too.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>He didn’t have a mindset. I think he wasn’t mature enough to think abt the outcomes.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Even he said that i used to call u as “friend Forever” repeatedly..which he thought it means think of nothing else,which i know is wrong ,it doesn’t mean that.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>He had his own perspectives which were wrong.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I know he would never do this to anyone. </span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>He don’t even know why he did all this. But one thing is that his intentions are pure ,he never wanted to hurt me or anyone out there. </span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”You told him in detail about how much pain you were in all these years, and –> he managed to turn it to how much pain he is feeling now- because you told him.”</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Now he keeps saying that show me a way. By which i could mend ur heart,and stop all this hurt ,and that i don’t carry All this guilt with myself forever. He keeps asking again and again to show me a way.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”no way your emotions were not evident to another human being with minimal emotional intelligence.” What do u mean by this?</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”He talked to you romantically because he felt that you were receptive for such talk, receptive because  you had feelings for him.” He talked to me like this bcz we were like too close ,like he never have talked like this with his gf,but me. We both got comfortable talking like this. I thought he had feelings and he thought It’s okay to talk with a close frnd like this jst bcz we aren’t doing it in real.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>” if you had only him on your mind and heart, can you see that the type of love you have for him (“I love”)  is different from the type of love he has for his girlfriend (“he loves”).. can you see that he doesn’t have only her on his  mind and heart?”</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>He loves her and i can see that for the efforts he does for her and how badly he gets affected when she does something wrong and isn’t listening to him. It’s like he gave loyalty* another meaning ,a meaning of his own.(which was wrong and he couldn’t find it out unless i opened up my story). </span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”an attachment like the one you have for him is about you being very lonely otherwise, not being securely attached to anyone else. I am guessing that you don’t feel connected and understood by anyone in your family, or by friends, and the only one you feel connected/ attached to-  is this 21 year old young man.”</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>it’s not abt getting lonely.. Yes i shared abt everything just to him,bcz i called him my closest frnd. I have other close frnds too but i don’t want to open up myself to them the way i did to him .Bcz he was also less judgmental. </span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>And that i think a private life is better. What people don’t know, they can’t ruin. And i hate when someone share my secrets with another. He never did this. He understood me better. He is an understanding guy.Therefore i felt more comfortable with him than anyone else.I have a good close frnd who i can share all this with but now i don’t like to share my stories with anyone.I have always regretted for it in past.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>”If you become attached to someone else, then you have the option of ending your attachment to him. “</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>I would never like to get attached to someone ever. I can’t hurt myself and break myself to this extent ever again .</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>It’s all a matter of time and i m sure God will help me through this.</span>

     

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>But one thing is that i don’t know how to take all this out frrom myself ..i Have been absorbing all these years and now i can see the results ,the damage it caused me by absorbing all this. How should i take it out from me??it mentally is draining me.</span>

    <span style=”font-weight: 400;”>-Lula</span>

     

    #370266
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    Congratulations for completing your exams and doing well

    Can you edit your post above, not only removing all the excess print, but taking your time to  re-writing your sentences thoughtfully, slowly,  and  clearly? Is is difficult for me to understand what you wrote in your recent post as it is, it seems rushed. If and when you edit your post above and produce a clearer account, I will be  glad to read it and reply further.

    anita

    #370269
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Heyy @anita and @Tim

    I hope u both are in good health and spirit.I am done with my exam that i told u about. I did my best in my exams and i m gonna have a good score❤.

    So let me answer ur thoughts abt him that u shared about in upper thread. I am copy pasting ur thoughts above and answering them.

     

    “I couldn’t stop noticing that you wrote that the two of you sexted. Now, how can it possibly be that he allegedly never considered that you have loving feelings for him while and after sexting???””

    “And, how can he possibly not have considered that you have feelings for him while he repeatedly talked to you romantically???”

    I know him very well,more than anyone. I had already told u that he is a good guy. He cannot* hurt anyone .

    See he said that this year when i felt like this girl is doing so much for me ,so i thought that may b she develops feelings or thinks of anything like that . So he didn’t tell me at that time but he tried to create space when he had exams. We used to talk aftr a week ,on weekends jst. He thought that if there were any feelings so it could end by this space .If he wanted all this to happen ,to develop my feelings for him intentionally,he would never have created that space too.

    Next thing is that he had in his mind was that how can she develop feelings for me when she knows that i have a gf.

    And abt those talks he only thought of me as his friend,bcz at that time he had in his mind was that it’s okay to talk with a close friend like this.I think he took this idea from movies or friends that love is always in the heart.I know what he did was wrong after all his thoughts which had been wrong too.He didn’t have a mindset. I think he wasn’t mature enough to think abt the outcomes.

    Even he said that i used to call u as “friend Forever” repeatedly..which he thought it means think of nothing else,which i know is wrong ,it doesn’t mean that.He had his own perspectives which were wrong.

    I know he would never do this to anyone.He don’t even know why he did all this. But one thing is that his intentions are pure ,he never wanted to hurt me or anyone out there.

     

     

    “You told him in detail about how much pain you were in all these years, and –> he managed to turn it to how much pain he is feeling now- because you told him.”

    Now he keeps saying that show me a way. By which i could mend ur heart,and stop all this hurt ,and that i don’t carry All this guilt with myself forever. He keeps asking again and again to show me a way.

     

     

     

    ”no way your emotions were not evident to another human being with minimal emotional intelligence.” What do u mean by this?

     

     

     

    “He talked to you romantically because he felt that you were receptive for such talk, receptive because you had feelings for him.” He talked to me like this bcz we were like too close ,like he never have talked like this with his gf,but me. We both got comfortable talking like this. I thought he had feelings and he thought It’s okay to talk with a close frnd like this jst bcz we aren’t doing it in real.

     

     

    ” if you had only him on your mind and heart, can you see that the type of love you have for him (“I love”) is different from the type of love he has for his girlfriend (“he loves”).. can you see that he doesn’t have only her on his mind and heart?”

    He loves her and i can see that for the efforts he does for her and how badly he gets affected when she does something wrong and isn’t listening to him. It’s like he gave loyalty* another meaning ,a meaning of his own.(which was wrong and he couldn’t find it out unless i opened up my story).

     

    “an attachment like the one you have for him is about you being very lonely otherwise, not being securely attached to anyone else. I am guessing that you don’t feel connected and understood by anyone in your family, or by friends, and the only one you feel connected/ attached to- is this 21 year old young man.”

    it’s not abt getting lonely.. Yes i shared abt everything just to him,bcz i called him my closest frnd. I have other close frnds too but i don’t want to open up myself to them the way i did to him .Bcz he was also less judgmental. And that i think a private life is better. What people don’t know, they can’t ruin. And i hate when someone share my secrets with another. He never did this. He understood me better. He is an understanding guy. Therefore i felt more comfortable with him than anyone else. I have a good close frnd who i can share all this with but now i don’t like to share my stories with anyone. I have always regretted for it in past.

     

     

    “If you become attached to someone else, then you have the option of ending your attachment to him.”

    I would never like to get attached to someone ever. I can’t hurt myself and break myself to this extent ever again .

    It’s all a matter of time and i m sure God will help me through this.

    But one thing is that i don’t know how to take all this out frrom myself ..i Have been absorbing all these years and now i can see the results ,the damage it caused me by absorbing all this. How should i take it out from me??it mentally is draining me.

    -Lula

    #370270
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Congratulations for completing your exams and doing well.

    Thankyou🌸

    I don’t know where u aren’t understanding. So tell me i am gonna make that part clearer.

    #370275
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Lula:

    You are welcome. You asked me to tell you what I want you to make clearer. My answer: try to answer the questions that I asked you (which you quoted, but did not answer):

    I asked you: “the two of you sexted. Now, how can it possibly be that he allegedly never considered that you have loving feelings for him while and after sexting???.. And, how can he possibly not have considered that you have feelings for him while he repeatedly talked to you romantically???”-

    Please answer just these two questions for me. There is no need for you to rush answering (if you choose to answer), because I will be away from the computer right after I submit this message. I will be back to the computer in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

     

    #370291
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

    I already answered that:

    He didn’t develop feelings for me after those talks,after such an intimate connection with me .So may b he thought i would also not have such feelings bcz he was calling me a “Friend” and he had it in his mind that we are jst talking deep like this bcz it’s like okayy if friends do talk like this. Also when i ask him what did u had in ur mind when we used to talk like this ,he used to say that ‘i thought we both are talking like this as frnds,nothing else’ he also said that ‘idk why i just did all this’. But his intentions weren’t to make me fall in love with him. He never thought that i* would ever think that he* is interested in me. When 2 friends have no intentions of having a future so they don’t call it bad talking like this,bcz none of them is serious regarding future, nor did i ever showed him my feelings,so therefore he thought it’s nothing serious and so he continued.

    It was my mistake that i didn’t tell him before. And it was his mistake that he started it all when he had her in his heart.

     

    Other than this ,i have written some more explanation under the question u asked abt this,in the upper box.

    #370293
    Tim
    Participant

    Kudos to you for pulling through and focusing on your exam. Hopefully you’ll attain the results you are capable of and deserve.

     

    Lula doll, there seems to be an element of denial on your behalf. So I will be addressing this once and it’s down to yourself to accept and figure out.

    As a man who has not always been as evolved and mature as I am today. I’m telling you, he was aware of what he was doing. Did he at the time question his morals or loyalty to his actual girlfriend? No! He thought be could have his cake and eat it too.

    He feels guilty because he has made a mistake and hurt someone by leading them on and using them. This is deplorable, the more you accept this standard of behaviour and make excuses the greater damage you will do to yourself. Your self esteem has been hit greatly for you to still be trying to explain his inexcusable actions. This will be your own undoing if you allow it to have power over you.

    He only questioned his morals once presented with your hurt, otherwise he would have continued to take advantage. A mature, unselfish individual would be more self aware and have better values and morals to not inflict this on anyone let alone their “best friend.” So he may have aspects to him which are good but you can’t deny he has a lot of maturing to do and re evaluate his morals and values.

    I think you have expressed your pain. Now create the space. Cut him loose and focus on your future and studies. I will not comment further as there isn’t much more to add to my previous thoughts. You just need to accept it, which is hard but better for you in the long run. Good luck with your future.

     

    Tim

     

    #370297
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    I asked you Nov 17, how is it that he didn’t think that you had any loving feelings for him as more than a friend, after he repeatedly sexted you and talked romantically to you.

    Your Nov 30 answer is that when he sexted and talked to you romantically, he  did not have romantic feelings for you. And therefore, he did not consider that you could have romantic feelings for him.

    My comment: it does not make sense that he did not have romantic feelings for you while talking romantically to you, unless he was insincere with you/ faking the romance.

    * Similarly, it doesn’t make sense that he didn’t have sexual feelings when he sexted you, unless he faked the sexual feelings.

    You wrote that he didn’t think that you had romantic feelings for him because you never showed him such feelings (“nor did I ever show him my feelings, so therefore it’s nothing serious and so he continued”)- this could maybe make sense, if whenever he talked romantically to you and whenever he sexted you- you remained silent, meaning that he was busy with a romantic monologues (not a dialogues), and with a one-way sexting (not a two-ways sexting).

    “He never thought that I would ever think that he is interested in me”, you wrote. He told you: “it’s like okay if friends do talk like this”, and: “I thought we both are talking like this as friends, nothing else”, and “idk why I just did all this”.

    My comments:

    1) “idk why I just did all this”, he told you. I hope he finds out why he does things. For a person to lead a functional life, the person needs to know his or her own motivations. It is very important.

    2) Consider that it may be a bad idea for you to sext with a friend in the future, including with this “best friend”.

    3) I wish the two of you, separately, clarity of mind and heart,  and respective success in your individual educational plans and careers.

    anita

     

    #370305
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear @anita

     

    “You wrote that he didn’t think that you had romantic feelings for him because you never showed him such feelings (“nor did I ever show him my feelings, so therefore it’s nothing serious and so he continued”)-”

    Noo i didn’t mean to say this. I was talking above about feelings (when u r in love with someone which just i had for him) … not romantic feelings ( we both had that while sexting)… It was two-way sexting. Yes he knew that i am romantically involved in this and both of us wanted this to happen. But he made it separate : Feelings of love for who u really are in love with AND romantic feelings for a friend with no future .

    “3) I wish the two of you, separately, clarity of mind and heart, and respective success in your individual educational plans and careers.” Thank you🌸

     

    Lula

    #370310
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey @Tim

    Thankyou for ur prayer.

    “He feels guilty because he has made a mistake and hurt someone by leading them on and using them. This is deplorable, the more you accept this standard of behaviour and make excuses…”

    I haven’t accepted his behavior,what he did wasn’t fine or okay ,it was the worst. But I am just trying to understand why he did all this.I want to know the mentality behind it. I am gonna leave him either way.

    Other than this i know that it happened because of his immaturity and that he needs alot to evolve.

     

    “I’m telling you, he was aware of what he was doing”… He said “i swear i didn’t have any intentions of developing ur feelings for me… If i knew this day would come ,i would have never talked like this..if i knew these qould be the outcomes i would have never sone this”… He didn’t know what he was doing unless the outcomes came. My heart,mind isn’t accepting this that he knew it already and he did this intentionally so that it breaks me..nor have i ever felt these kind of vibes from him,deep down i know it wasn’t intentional … “If” i ever had felt in these 4,5 years that it was intentional then i would never have continued this friendship with him.

     

    “Did he at the time question his morals or loyalty to his actual girlfriend?”

    He would have if only he called it ‘wrong’. I used to make him understand and he used to understood temporarily..But used to start again because deep down he didn’t called it ‘wrong’. How can someone mend their behaviors when they aren’t even calling it wrong ?!And yes now when he is awared ,he is now questioning his loyalty for his gf too.

     

    -Lula

     

    #370316
    Tim
    Participant

    Lula doll, by trying to answer all these questions of why you are leading yourself to place where more questions will arise. You will never be happy with answers because what you need to do is accept it happened. It can’t be changed and focus on what is best for you.

    I Your morals and values were clearly not aligned. He was aware of what he was doing. How can a person not see he is discussing sexually intimate things with a girl who is not his girlfriend? Like you said this was acceptable for him, so he felt indifferent to the consequences. In your case it made you feel emotionally closer to him as you obviously wouldn’t discuss things like that with any boy. He needs to grow up, learn about respect, loyalty and mature.

     

    You need to let go and not excuse or explain his actions no matter how much you love him. People do crappy things and sometimes it’s the people we love the most. You need to work on yourself, heal your unrequited love and see the lessons:

     

    1. Never allow anyone to disrespect you. You are worthy of being loved fully for who you are. You are not a side piece.

    2. You have a lot of love and capable of unconditional love. Save that for someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

    3. Sometime when we are loyal it is very hard to let go. However knowing when to quit is an important part of growth too. Now it’s time to part ways and heal.

    4. If he was your person none of this would be happening. He would have treated you with respect and not indulged his desires. He would have valued your friendship.

    5. Don’t let this stop you from achieving your educational goals and becoming stronger. With time and reflection he will realise his mistakes and make amends. You owe him nothing. He needs to redeem himself and that’s through self work and growth.

     

    I’m being blunt because I feel you need to hear it or else you’ll stay stuck in this denial. Accept what has happened and let go. You’ll blossom 🌸

     

     

    #370317
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    You are welcome. You wrote that what you had with him was a “two-way sexting.. both of us wanted this to happen”, that you and him did experience romantic feelings for each other while sexting, and that he knew that you were romantically involved in the sexting. You wrote that he made a separation, in his mind, between the feeling of being in love and having a future, and romantic feeling for a friend, with no future.

    I think I understand now: the separation that he made is similar to a separation that many men make (and some women too): men that say they love their wives but have sex with other women. They claim that what they have with other women is just sex, and what they have with their wives is love, and that having sex with other women does not hurt their love for their wives.

    I guess that’s how your “best friend” managed to have a girlfriend, and .. you, at the same time.

    anita

     

    #370341
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita,

    Yes u r right on point now.

    But in his case not the real sex ,but sex talks.

    -Lula

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