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I am in love with my best friend but he loves someone else.

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  • #369454
    Lula
    Participant

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    Heyyy @anita and @Tim

    I hope u both are fine. It’s lula here.. Do u remember the topic “i love my best friend but he already loves someone else” ? It was me who wrote to u and u both gave me good advices…

    I i had told u that after my exams i am gonna open up to my frnd that what i feel for him and all that and leave him then , but due to some reasons my test delayed…it’s in december now..and the date is not even confirmed yet … The thing is now that when i took this decision of telling him abt my feelings that night in august i texted him that i m gonna tell u abt something .. He insisted me to tell him rn for abt 2,3 times but i didn’t . Yesterday he insisted again and then he said i think i know what it could be about..i said u r not cnfrm..and he said cnfrm… And like i toldd him at start while he was insisting that u m not ready to tell u rn … And then he suddenly told me that “i think u loved me somewhere in our journey ,am i right? …it’s not something to mind ,atleast u r gonna lift this weight by telling” while he was insisting me i was all shivering at start..

    I haven’t seen his msg nor replied to him… I want to ask if i should approve to him that yes this was the reason or after my test?? Bcz this test is gonna decide my future and i can’t risk it for anything!! …i couldn’t stop talking to him for more than a week while i was preparing for my test …

    And now when i know i m gonna stop talking to him after approving, it’s gonna ruin my preparation for my test..

    He asked me how these feelings developed like is it bcz of ur frnds or what?

    he don’t even know his mistake that it had always been him doing it to me…

    He was like now u have time jst open up ,we will sort it out,i told him i m not ready but like still he did it to me ,he didn’t even think that it’s gonna effect my studies afterwards… Or may be he thought that i m gonna still stay with him even after telling him ..

    So now what should i do..plz help..

    this i wrote u on 14 Nov,2020

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    I didn’t receive an answer from ur side and couldn’t wait and i couldn’t tolerate that he knew that it’s tHe thing but still he did .. And then i opened up to him… At start i gave him summary ..he thought its jst lil feelings ..he said u deserve better than me and ur feelings are gonna end itself,and that okay it’s my mistake but not all of it … But then i gave him details ,everything that i have been writing to him since i took the decision of telling him …

    And when he read it he was crying continuously … That what i just did to u …and he said idk why i jst did all this…he realized that it’s all his mistake … And he is blaming himself for it …he is saying that yes i m responsible for it only …he said i didn’t know that it was hurting u all these yrs and that u had feelings for me … He said i m gonna blame myself for this for my whole life…

    I m gonna have my test after 2 weeks may b …i usually lose my weight in exams time …and now i haven’t eaten food properly for 4,5 days… And my mind isn’t clearing from all those thoughts so i could study properly…

    #369500
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    If I understand correctly, you were thinking about telling your best friend that you are in love with him, but you wanted to tell him after your big exam, because telling him would make you anxious and distracted, and therefore less able to focus on studying for the exam.

    Your exam was postponed to December, a date has not been confirmed.

    Recently, your best friend sent you a message asking you: “I think you loved me somewhere in our journey, am I right?”

    Your question today is whether to answer him before or after the exam, if at all.

    Did I understand correctly? If I did, remembering that you felt very anxious about the idea of telling him about your feelings for him, I suggest that you do not tell him about your feelings for him until after your exam, be it in December or in January, whenever it will be, or never, as you wish.

    At this point, you can either send him a message letting him know that you cannot answer his question/ communicate further until the exam is over, or if it feels too stressful for you to send him such a message, then don’t send him a message until the exam is over.

    Do now what you need to do so to be as calm and as focused as you can be on studying for your upcoming exam, and I wish you well with it. Post again, if you need to.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
    #369513
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Lula,

    That was a difficult read but I think I got the gist of it. Firstly apologies but I haven’t been on the forums for a while hence I didn’t reply.

    The advice I gave you still stands, he was immature and ignorant of your feelings. I’m glad he has remorse and is regretful for his actions which shows he is not completely ill intentioned. Sometimes when you confront people with the truth it can shake them and push them to grow up. Hopefully this will prove a pinnacle moment in his life where he will learn a valuable lesson, to not toy with people’s emotions, not be disrespectful and to not hurt others. I’m sure with time you both can reach a mutual understanding but right now some distance is what’s needed. He shouldn’t be your priority after all the pain he had caused.  Don’t let him ruin your future prospects too!

    You will only get one attempt at this test, so love yourself and your future. You have worked very hard to throw it away over a boy. You are very young there will be plenty of boys. So have a day to cry it all out but then shift your focus onto what you want to be, give this exam your best effort. That’s my advice. Don’t let him be a distraction, you have the power and control.

    Tim

    #369530
    Lula
    Participant

    Dear @anita

    Yes u understood correctly.

    I didn’t receive an answer from ur side and couldn’t wait and i couldn’t tolerate that he knew that it’s tHe thing but still he did .. And then i opened up to him…

    I told him each and every thing… You had told me u will let me know if i open up so..

    He is ashamed of what he had done… He couldn’t tolerate it and was crying continuously… I have mentioned this in my first post.

    #369531
    Lula
    Participant

    Hi @Tim

    He is 21y.o and i am 20y.o… Yeah i think it was his immaturity. He had all those *** talks with me as a frnd,with no feelings other than friend for me.

    I told him i can’t leave u right now bcz i know if i leave u now it would effect my studies the most and i can’t do that to myself…so will leave him after my test.

    Yes i am trying to focus on my studies.

    Thanks.

    #369532
    Lula
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>He is ashamed that he did this all in my test time..so now he keeps motivating me for the test.</p>
    But the attachment i have with him ..uhh… I don’t know how this attachment is gonna end. I couldn’t stop myself from talking to him from more than 5,7 days that also jst bcz of my test.

    Any ideas/suggestions of how to end attachments with a person ?

    #369533
    Lula
    Participant

    He also said that he hate himself for this…after listening my story..for the pain he had caused to me… He said do u think after all this i would be happy after she and i get engaged?

    Then i felt bad that i shouldn’t have gone in that details..i don’t want him to hate himself atleast . i haven’t told him many other things that caused me pain bcz of him that i still remember but he may have forgotten it that also disturbs me but i couldn’t mention every single thing.

     

    I jst don’t want him to hate himself.

    #369534
    Lula
    Participant

    He also said that he hate himself for this…after listening my story..for the pain he had caused to me… He said do u think after all this i would be happy after she and i get engaged?

    Then i felt bad that i shouldn’t have gone in that details..i don’t want him to hate himself atleast . i haven’t told him many other things that caused me pain bcz of him that i still remember but he may have forgotten it that also disturbs me but i couldn’t mention every single thing.

     

    I jst don’t want him to hate himself. Me being in love with him can’t see him hating himself for anything.

    #369535
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    I am not clear about what is going on. You had a thread in which we communicated, but you either lost track of it or deleted it, so I can’t read it and find out enough of what it is that we communicated about.

    You wrote to me here that I understood you correctly, but I didn’t understand what you wrote to me after stating that I understood you correctly.

    I have a suggestion: please calm down best you can, and tell us what is troubling you. using simple, clear sentences. Don’t assume that  I remember anything we communicated about, tell me from the beginning what is going on, but don’t make it too long. Make it short, and clear . I will be back to your thread in about 11 hours from now and will reply to you further then.

    anita

    #369545
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Lula doll,

    Humans are social creatures we form bonds and attachments. Some people attach more than others based on their childhood experience. However, we are also naturally made to survive – survival of the fittest. With time, patience and some self love you’ll lose the attachment but it is something you need to choose to do and then commit to.

    You need to let go of him because this person is very selfish. He led you on and used you as an emotional support whenever things were going wrong with his actual girlfriend, he was incapable of self awareness. He should never have engaged in the type of talks with you if he was seeing someone else. It is very disrespectful. You may not see it now but you are better off without this toxic mess in your life. It’s down to him being immature and underdeveloped as a human being. The remorse and guilt is something he needs to work through and hopefully it will make him a better man in the future.

    You’re a good person that’s why you do not like seeing others hurt no matter how much others hurt you. However you also have very low self esteem for you to continue this ‘friendship’ with someone who shows you how little he valued you through his actions. Do you not deserve a real boyfriend who gives you his full attention or a real friend who will not violate the boundaries especially if they are dating or ‘serious’ with someone else already?

    Don’t feed off a person’s breadcrumbs because that will make you complicit. Don’t try to find excuses to remain in touch. Letting go will be hard but it will be the best thing for your self. Look at the effects it’s having on your studies. You’ve made him aware of his actions, the effect on you. You are not responsible for his guilt. He will need to do the work on himself to grow.

    I can’t emphasise enough how you shouldn’t be allowing someone who hurt you, used you then initially denied his part until you spelt it out crystal clear to have this much control over you and your future.

    Good luck in your studies, may your hard work pay off in your exam. It’s up to you to decide whether you’ll let this impact your life. You have the power to not let it!

     

    Tim

    #369547
    Lula
    Participant

    Hey @anita

    It was my best frnd..it’s been 4 and half years.. I starting loving him when he was single Back in 2016 ..he had told me that he hates her and i believed … And then after a year he told me in 2017 that she is back … I had already feelings for him at that time… we sexted ,the thing was i thought he loves me too …but i was wrong,he still loved her ex…she was always there in his heart … But even after she came back in his life..he still used to have romantic talks with me… I told him it’s wrong talking with a frnd like this when u have ur gf..he used to stop temporarily but never stopped actually … Bcz he had always seen me as friend nothing more…

    Years passed and i suffered with all doubts ,i wanted to save this friendship.

     

    The day when u told me to open up to him after ur test was when i texted him that i need to tell u something.It was august 24.

    My test delayed so many times.

    Now it’s in December .

    He was insisting me to tell him on 13 nov that what i wanted to tell him and that now test is delayed so u can openup and so that ur burden can lighten up . i told him i m not ready for it bcz i knew it would affect my studies. But he thought it’s not something serious . So i gave him a summary ,still he took it light … Until i gave him all the details and shared ny whole story.

    He was constantly crying ,ashamed of what he had done to me ,saying i destroyed someone’s life without even knowing it… And that i will regret for it for my whole life …

     

    @anita u had told me that after i tell him everything ,u will let me know …so here i am.

     

    I have my test in December,so i told him i m gonna leave u after my test.

     

     

    #369549
    Lula
    Participant

    @tim

     

    No,He isn’t selfish… he thought i didn’t had any feelings for him at that time ,therefore he used to tell me about his gf when things were going wrong with them…

    Bcz he thought that when she knows i have a gf, how can she develop feelings for me… He didn’t know it developed before her gf came back…

    All he thought that we both are Having all these talks just as friends.

     

    Yes he regrets for all those talks when he had her gf ,even when he was single too…he now know that he shouldn’t have done those talks even when his gf wasn’t there with him bcz he had her in his heart.

     

    I am not continuing this friendship ,i know i have to leave him after my test … Right now i am not leaving him is because it would affect my studies even more.

     

    I had realized it was disrespectful to me ,of all he had done to me.He realized too.

    But now i can’t hurt him in return.

     

     

    Thankyou for ur good wishes tim🌸

    Btw can i know how old are you?If u want to share.

     

     

    -Lula

     

    #369550
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Lula,

    He is selfish as he didn’t think about the implications of his behaviour on you until you pointed it out and made it clear to him. He only gained from it.

    A selfless person puts the needs of others first. Is aware of their actions.

    You were also complicit and you need to next time avoid engaging in something if the person has a partner. We all make mistakes. We are humans. I’ve done silly selfish things too. However I’ve evolved and matured.

    I completely understand you love him, it’s unrequited love the painful kind. Like I said previously love can also be blind, we put the person on a pedestal make excuses but eventually we have to confront the truth. You don’t need to hurt him, you just need to think about what is best for yourself and move on.

    I’m in my 30s old enough to be wise from the mistakes I have made and lessons taken from experience but young enough to relate and empathise how it feels when you fall in love for the first time in your 20s.

    Good luck doll.

    Tim

     

     

    #369555
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lula:

    I will combine all that you shared on this one thread, including your recent post addressed to me, so to tell your story best I can, and then offer you my thoughts.

    You (20) refer to this man (21)  as your “best friend”, a 4.5 years best friend. You “started loving him” in 2016 when you were 16, and he was 17. You thought he loved you back and the two of you sexted (“we sexted”). In 2017, he (18 at the time) told you that his ex-girlfriend is back in his life, and you realized then that “he still loved his ex… she was always there in his heart”.

    In 2017, while he was back with his girlfriend, he “still used to have romantic talks” with you. You told him that it is wrong for a man who has a girlfriend, to talk romantically to another woman. His response: he temporarily stopped talking romantically to you, but..  he “never stopped actually”.

    In August you texted him: “I’m gonna tell u abt something” referring to telling him that you love him, but later, after your test. He insisted that you tell him sooner. You resisted his insistence and did not tell him.

    The day before yesterday, he insisted again that you tell him, you resisted, and he texted you: “I think u loved me somewhere in your journey, am I right?”

    You say that in another thread (which is not available to me to re-read), I suggested to you that once you tell him how you feel about him, you should not talk to him anymore (I have no memory of such suggestion, and of the context in which it was given).

    When he confronted you with the text above (“I think u loved me…”) the day before yesterday, you were afraid to approve/ confirm what he suggested (that you love him), because that would mean that you would not talk with him after such confirmation, according to my advice to you.  Not talking with him before the test will distress you so much that you will not be able to focus on studying (“now when I know I’m gonna stop talking to him after approving, it’s gonna ruin my preparation for my test”).

    You then posted in another person’s thread and then in this one, asking Tim and I what you should do: tell him that you love him and then not talk to him, and therefore be so distressed, lose more weight, and not do well studying for the test or not tell him.

    You didn’t receive an answer soon enough, so you decided to tell him: “I opened up to him… I told him each and every thing”. His response: “He is.. crying continuously… He is ashamed that he did this all in my test time… He also said that he hate himself for this.. after listening to my story.. for the pain he had caused to me”, “He said, do u think after all this, I would be happy after she and I get engaged?”

    You then regretted to “have gone in that details.. I felt bad that I shouldn’t have gone in that details”, “I don’t want him to hate himself”, and you were relieved that you didn’t tell him “many other things that caused me pain bcz of him that I still remember but he may have forgotten.. I just don’t want him to hate himself..  Me being in love with him can’t see him hating himself for anything”.

    My thoughts today:

    1. After reading this paragraph, please do the following: lift your eyes from the computer and look around you. If you are in a room, look at the walls or window in front of you, look at what’s on the wall, look at what you can see from the window. Put the computer down and walk to a window, take in the air from the outside (if it is not too hot), take a few breaths slowly and naturally. Listen to the sounds:  Do you see how much bigger the world is- way bigger than your head where all these thoughts and feelings are troubling you? Even your room is so much bigger than the short distance in between your ears. Your room is also much bigger than this young man’s thoughts and feelings. You’ve been drowning in your thoughts and feelings and in his thoughts and feelings as if .. there is nothing else out there in the world. I want you to see and hear (take in the images, listen to the sounds) of what is outside of you: things, plants, animal, the many, many other people.. so that you can come out of that swamp of thoughts and feelings in which you have been drowning. Please do so and then return to the next paragraph.

    2. You wrote: “he knew.. he thought.. he said… he was crying… he realized.. he is blaming.. he is saying.. He.. he.. he”- practically, he is not important in your life: he is not paying for the food you eat, for the house you live in, for your studies.. he has a girlfriend who is not you; there is no plan of marriage with him.

    You have a test to take in December. This test is practically important in your life- it will help you get a better paying job so that you can with you can buy food and other things you need and want. Try to separate your feelings (your subjective reality) from attending to the practicality of life (the objective reality).

    3. I couldn’t noticing that you wrote that the two of you sexted. Now, how can it possibly be that he allegedly never considered that you have loving feelings for him while and after sexting???

    And, how can he possibly not have considered that you have feelings for him while he repeatedly talked to you romantically???

    Unless you can answer these two questions in a way that makes sense to me, I am assuming that he was not sincere with you when he acted surprised that you most recently told him that you loved him.

    4. After you most recently told him in detail about how much pain you suffered during the years, while he talked to you about his girlfriend etc., he asked you: “do u think after all this, I would be happy after she and I get engaged?”- well, he doesn’t have to get engaged with her, does he? I mean, if he expects to not be happy being engaged to her.. he shouldn’t. What I am trying to say is that it reads to me that he is not sincere about feeling shame and guilt and regret, but instead- he is trying to make you feel bad,  guilt-tripping you.

    You told him in detail about how much pain you were in all these years, and –> he managed to turn it to how much pain he is feeling now- because you told him.

    5. You wrote: “He isn’t selfish… he thought I didn’t had any feelings for him.. therefore he used to tell me about his gf”- I think what I italicized is a lie. I can see in your posts how emotional you are, no way your emotions were not evident to another human being with minimal emotional intelligence.

    I think that it is time for you to stop believing everything he tells you. Just because he says something, does not make that something true. If he never thought you had romantic/ sexual feelings for him, he wouldn’t have repeatedly talked to you romantically, nor would he have sexted you. He talked to you romantically because he felt that you were receptive for such talk, receptive because  you had feelings for him.

    “he now knows that he shouldn’t have done those talks.. bcz he had her in his heart”- well, he didn’t have her in his heart when he talked romantically to you, or sexted with you. “I love my best friend but he already loves someone else”- if you didn’t have a  boyfriend since 2016, if you had only him on your mind and heart, can you see that the type of love you have for him (“I love”)  is different from the type of love he has for his girlfriend (“he loves”).. can you see that he doesn’t have only her on his  mind and heart?

    6. The Issue here is what you pointed to here: “the attachment I have with him.. uhhh.. I don’t know how this attachment is gonna end. I couldn’t stop myself from talking to him”- an attachment like the one you have for him is about you being very lonely otherwise, not being securely attached to anyone else. I am guessing that you don’t feel connected and understood by anyone in your family, or by friends, and the only one you feel connected/ attached to-  is this 21 year old young man.

    We humans have to be attached to someone, because we are by nature, social animals. If you are not attached to anyone but him, you will keep needing him desperately to be in your life.

    “Any ideas/ suggestions of how to end attachment with a person?”- if you are attached only to him, and without him there is no one else you feel attached to, you will not end your attachment to him. If you become attached to someone else, then you have the option of ending your attachment to him. The answer then is to form an emotional attachment to someone else, someone who will honest with you, someone worthy of your trust. Who could that possibly be?

    anita

    #369588
    Lula
    Participant

    @Tim

    “He is selfish as he didn’t think about the implications of his behaviour on you until you pointed it out and made it clear to him. He only gained from it.”    Yes u r right, he jst thought of himself, unaware of the results it can cause…

    “You were also complicit”   i completely understand ,it was me who didn’t set up boundaries for him, nor did he know any boundaries at that time.But at that time i thought he is interested in me therefore i kept allowing him . But when i came to know the truth i still didn’t stop him,i let him continue it,that was my mistake. I could have stopped it. But i wanted to save this friendship. I never counted this suffering in self love this was my mistake therefore i let it happen until it ruined me badly.

     

    Thankyou for being my mentors❤ @Tim and @anita .You both will always be in my prayers.❤

     

    @anita … You are so right abt all u said … Will answer ur thoughts after my test which is after 2 weeks. Right now I don’t want to waste my time thinking what’s right or wrong abt him ,for these 2 weeks .

    Will be back after my test.. Till then u both take care of yourselves❤🌸

    -Love from Lula

     

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