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December 24, 2020 at 2:15 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #371650
@kkasxo – how are you doing? I hope you are okay. Christmas can’t be easy without your family. I think you are strong and brave and will thrive….in time…. for decisions you are making now. I know you must feel lost or sad but I really feel that you are more than what your mind tells you you are. I can absolutely guarantee you that this time last year, I did not believe for one second I would be where I am today. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, I felt strange and caught a lot in my past. And yet the world kept turning and moving and as a human I guess I kept growing.
What’s happening now is a chapter in your life. There will be a new one and when that new chapter changes, there will be a new one after that. You are more than your trauma, your sadness, your loss. You are someone who is finding herself, bit by bit in a way that you can cope with. Hang in there. Whenever you feel depleted and that nothing is ever going to change, counter that thought and say, ‘well who knows?’. None of us are clairvoyant.
Have the best Christmas that you can have, rest and recuperate and revive your weary soul as best you can. Sending you so much warmth and kindness and all of those who post on this thread, I want the universe to feel the heartfelt goodwill and love I’m sending out. You all deserve it. Even on our worst days, we deserve it. Let’s hope. Always. xxDecember 24, 2020 at 2:04 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #371648
I started a lengthy response a while back, but it was on my phone as I cant go on the forum in work and then my phone rang whilst I was typing and i closed the browser and lost the post I had written and was too exhausted to write it all again.
Lol, I know you mentioned to Sammy I’m probably having a blast! Ha, I wish that were true! In fairness, I don’t want to complain because there are others who suffer far more than me in the world. I’m just still overwhelmed and stressed at the moment, but we power on!
I’m delighted things are going well with B. Don’t worry too much about her Dad, of course it would be ideal if he adored you as much as she does, but at the end of the day, SHE adores you and that’s what matters. You want to be with her and while her family is important to her, there are just the two of you in that relationship. Plus give it time, these things often take time. I always felt that my ex’s Dad couldn’t really warm to me. A very nice man, don’t get me wrong, but we never clicked as such or made much conversation etc, and I would have loved to get on really well with him, but it justn’t wasn’t the way, so I accepted it wouldn’t be that way and moved on. The key is to just love and cherish B, and I’m sure it will always be apparent to any outside observer just how much you love her.
How are you doing? Are you still back with your family? I know it’s super cold and a bit miserable this winter, but I hope you’ve been able to get out for walks or runs to clear your head. I found podcasts and music really helped me when I was feeling sad and a little lost after the end of my relationship. I would walk and listen and walk and think and walk and listen and it became my routine and it made me feel anchored in a way…if that makes sense?
You asked about my relationship a while back on the thread. It’s good. I think!! To be honest, it’s all very new to me to have a man ‘show up’ and there are feelings and thoughts and old patterns on my behalf that are trying to process it all. I know I am very happy with him and he makes me feel very loved and that’s scary to me I guess. I love him too and I feel when I love something, I have the risk of losing it. It’s an ongoing battle, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to lose him and I really want a future with him. So fingers crossed I can not stand in my own way.
I’m finding the amount on my plate a bit overwhelming lately and my anxiety because of it, is becoming unmanageable at times. I have been seeing my therapist the odd time (online) when I can, but I feel like I live in my car now, I’m on the road so much. My job is still as stressful as ever, maybe even more so, the demands of my family and the responsibilities I have to my Dad to fill the void left by my Mum on a practical basis and an over-anxious 9-months-pregnant sister who wants to use a drone to track my every move currently for fear I will not be available come ‘push-time’, a homeowner in the city I moved to, I have been trying to get almost 2k quid back off as I never moved in but paid deposit etc and she keeps lying and making excuses, two of my best guys mates who have split up with their girlfriends and Christmas shopping and trying to make it a good Christmas for my family while all the while trying not to freak out about the bloody coronavirus and it’s prevalence, have left me completely spinning.
I don’t think I’ll be able to post here again for some time. I would absolutely die inside to feel like I’ve let anyone down or someone needed me and I wasn’t there for them, so I feel like I need to press pause for now. I’m trying to keep too many balls in the air and some of them are about to drop. My boyfriend has already mentioned that I seem to have issues with boundaries and taking time for myself and always trying to keep every side happy. So I’m going to take some time out, away from online and try to tackle each element of my life one by one and see if I can maybe live a more balanced life because I realise that I’m heading towards burnout and some of the spinning plates will come crashing down if I don’t start dealing with them.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, though it may look and feel different to what we had hoped for. I hope you all remain safe and healthy and your families too. Thanks so much for all the posting, it has helped not only me so so much, but evidently so many more.
Keep posting here and supporting each other if you need to, you are all kind, generous and understanding people in my humble opinion and I’m grateful for our interactions.December 15, 2020 at 2:52 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #371111
@kkasxo – how are you??? What’s been happening lately? So glad to hear the strides you’re making…December 15, 2020 at 2:51 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #371110
Yep you’re right. The job is wearing me down. I’m just in over my head. In some ways I feel trapped and don’t know what to do. It’s a big job with a good salary and can’t see an alternative coming up anytime soon.
The huge amount of stress the job is creating is also eating a little into my relationship. Distance is hard enough but the job is swamped even a lot of my ‘free time’ too and I’m trying to prioritise and make time for BF but then my family gets upset or my friends miss out. It’s never ending.
But then again, I never thought I’d be in this position. Who would have thought?! Oh and the ex texted me for my bday – I expected him to if I’m being honest. It seems to be that the rawness went and now it’s just replaced with ‘ok whatever’. I used to go out with that ok. That’s it.
anyway, how are you doing? I’m so glad to hear that you chose to get some family support while you heal and adjust to this next phase of your life. You have so much strength – well done on fighting the crutches. You should be proud of yourself.
I wanted so badly to know when I would be ‘better’ or when I would be feel joy and love and excitement again (truthfully I didn’t think it was possible), but I asked people/therapist endlessly.
no-one could give me an answer.
And I don’t know when it happened exactly, and there have been bumps but I guess you could say almost two years. That’s how long it took my to move to a different space in my life I guess. It’s different for everyone and I doubt I was half as strong as I expect you can be.
well done you on making the decision about your ex, that can’t have been easy but you made the hard decision and that in itself is pure growth. Well done – you’re getting there. Each day, step by step. One hour at a time, growing and becoming the person you want to be.
I hope you had a chance to get out for some fresh air lately, it works wonders. I’m missing my daily 5kms now, I’ve put on a lot of weight too and it’s bugging me, but almost impossible to continue my old routine in this new job.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too. Enjoy the love and support of family (even if they drive us nuts!!). You’re doing so well ya know.December 15, 2020 at 2:40 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #371109
Congratulations! You are living a wonderful and fulfilled life because you did the work. You made this happen. You deserve all the happiness life can offer. Thank you so much for being a part of my story & therefore my life. I have appreciated all your advice and understanding. You will be an amazing husband and father.
Thank you for touching my life & the lives of those on this forum. You will be missed, but I will remember always the gentlemanTim I corresponded with on this thread.
Be well and happy. xDecember 4, 2020 at 5:49 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #370440
@kkasxo – I’ll message soon. Sorry for brief post but I’m just sneaking a quick look at tiny Buddha at the mo.
PS – everyone thanks so much for the kind and heartfelt bday wishes xDecember 4, 2020 at 5:47 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #370439
So lovely to hear from you – you sound shoot? Are you good? How are you feeling? Wow, thanks so much for the birthday wishes, no idea how you even remembered! Very kind and thoughtful of you and very much appreciated.
I’m going to a hotel (within permitted guidelines!) this weekend- he booked a suite and I’m very excited. Apologies if typos in this post as my screen only shows partial at the moment, so I’m guessing some words I type!!
BF treated and spoiled me and tells me he loves me. A lot. It’s weird. You’d think my heart would soar – and it does- but it’s nearly like, it’s so strange to hear each time he says it, I’m nearly like ‘really?’ in my head. And then I think I’m more self aware than him and he only THINKS he loves me but it’s more like a puppy love and so on and so on goes my sabotaging brain. I’m working hard – really working hard to catch and acknowledge my patterns and it’s super weird for me to be with someone who sees ALL my feels and emotions and still stands firm and doesn’t run. Weird right?!
Have you been able to get out and about a bit at all as I know you liked your runs? I hope things are looking better in your world.
I agree with Tim, love mixed with anxiety. I feel the same. Often. But I do believe you are self aware enough to acknowledge and address it and work towards that last relationship you want.
I will reply more at length as soon as I can. Honestly guys my job is driving me towards a nervous breakdown. I’m so overwhelmed. But I’m hoping to make a case for some support so fingers crossed with it.
stay well all. I’ll be back online soon with more in depth reply.November 24, 2020 at 9:30 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #369825
I’m excited for you and the man you have become and the relationship you can potentially have. Take your time and really grow and get to know each other for who you are now and I wish you all the best with the exciting early days fluttery feelings – they are so much fun! I have no doubt you will really put all you can in to this relationship and give it the absolute best shot of a long term future!
Thank you for the offer of advice, but to be honest, I’m trying not think about everything too much as if I really get in to it, it gets overwhelming again. I hasten to add that I adore my boyfriend now – it’s just weird to say the word because this thread will demonstrate that I thought the likelihood of me every having a boyfriend again was practically zero! It’s not my family not approving of my boyfriend, nothing like that. It’s just the transition. Change scares most people and they have had me at their disposal and there for them all for a long number of years and I suppose I filled a certain role for them and now that I’m seeking a life outside of that, making more time for my own happiness instead of always putting others before me, it’s irksome and the word ‘selfish’ has been thrown around a bit.
I get it. I understand where it’s coming from. I understand what’s happening here with boundaries and moving away from the enmeshment in my family, but that understanding doesn’t make it any easier to be ‘at odds’ with your sister, who was always your best friend. I’m trying to accept the situation for what it is now and not try to control others’ feelings about what’s happening. If they feel pissed off, I have to let them feel pissed off, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be.
Anyway, best of luck on your new journey with ‘B’- I wish you nothing but happiness.November 23, 2020 at 3:32 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #369751
@kkasxo I miss you too! How are you? I’m struggling, but when am I ever not, so nothing new there!!! Lolz. My new job is giving me all kinds of anxiety, I’m afraid of not being up to the task (which I genuinely feel I’m not) but as Tim has mentioned before, awkward time to be giving up a good paying job in the midst of a global pandemic.
Some people on here have referenced my ‘boyfriend’ in posts! Weird!!! I can’t get used to that term for some reason. He’s a good guy who…..loves me….eek. We’ll see what happens. However, the new job and relationship has rattled the foundations I had with those closest to me and that is something I’m struggling with at the moment. My sister is putting up the most resistance to boundaries and my new path, but tbh, I’m getting little jibes from all the family and I’m currently trying to cover so many bases maintaining (or at least trying to) responsibilities that I’m wearing myself so thin that I think the entire House of Cards is soon going to come crashing down.
Tell me about you – how is life with a pet? Danny gave some advice about Mr.A albeit he didn’t know the full story as such. But then I thought, you know what? He’s right. I feel you deserve a fulfilled life and I don’t want you to miss out on that. I’m also aware how difficult change is, look at me, I’m experiencing the repercussions of that right now and it ain’t easy, so I get it and you do whatever helps you. I hate lockdown and stores being closed and can’t go anywhere for a meal, so I think Covid has a lot to answer for this year in terms of people’s mental health and emotional state.
Cant wait to hear from you again xNovember 23, 2020 at 3:25 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #369750
I’m so happy for you and where your journey has led you. Well done on your progress so far and keep up the good work. You will work on winning her over and making her feel special and appreciated and loved and that’s a beautiful thing. However, it’s not just about proving yourself to her. Remember YOU are a good person too, YOU add value to someone’s life. Yes, you made mistakes, let one single person on here shout if they have never made a mistake……hmmmm…I think you’ll hear the silence!
Continue to grow and as you said, appreciate what you have now, whatever the future may hold, who knows, but as you said…no regrets. I’m extremely impressed with you – talk about courage! Wowee…epic journey. I wish you well and I do hope to hear from you about how your life is going. I wish your lovely lady well and hopes that she gets to know the wonderful guy we have all gotten a glimpse of on here!
Thank you for your kind words which really touched my heart. I’m in a process of change currently, primarily in circumstances which is leading to friction, which is leading to growth. And sometimes growth is actually painful, so it’s a little hard, but I’m managing as best I can. Hopefully brighter days lie ahead. Take care friend.November 16, 2020 at 4:51 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #369380
I’m sorry I’ve not been able to respond. Honestly, everyone comes to this forum with their own background and I’ve been barely keeping my head above water. But that aside here is my input.
That was an incredible intense meeting. A lot of things were discussed and brought to the surface. She does seem to be doing well and has a strong sense of self-worth and identity in many ways. It went as you would expect it to go in a best case scenario – no fighting, so screaming, no running away etc – all very calm, mature and understanding. Well done on being brave and it’s clear she appreciated it.
It is a lot to process, for you and for her. Remember though that what you may be feeling, may not be what she is now feeling. I re-engaged with my ex a few times and each interaction I would depart from with ideas in my head, thinking there was still something there, that this said or that said meant something etc. Everyone will have a different perspective in those scenarios.
I don’t know how long it’s been since the meet up? If you are interested in finding out if she would be open to having you remain in her life in some way, more communication will be needed. However, she will need the time to process first – I’m sure it has been a lot for her to take in.
Sammy – I’m sorry you feel ignored but that has not been my intention. As you know, everyone on this forum has their own background and at various times, cannot give they way they would like and then at other times can pick up the slack for someone else who is faltering. It was not an ‘excuse’ that I’m busy, believe me. Most days I have to re-do my makeup ten times before zoom calls to cover my bulging eyes from crying from the level of drama and stress. I’m not coping, but I’m surviving and that’s all I can do right now.
There are so many good people on here and I’m sure so many in your life, so please hang in there. You have been doing incredibly well – growing and learning so much – and you’re strong. You really are, don’t let alcohol think it has power over you because it doesn’t. Tim made an interesting point earlier, that if you don’t have something to focus on, your thoughts tend to dwindle downwards, that rings true for me in the past. I found the stillness, the isolation of my thoughts very hard to deal with over my lifetime – I always filled my time, with other people’s problems or dramas of my own. Therapy offered me an outlet to try and face just sitting with myself sometimes and my journal also helped.
Covid restrictions are testing, that’s for sure, but even if you could get out for a run – it might help. Even in the rain, hot shower when you return and I bet it would feel good. Hang in there chick.
Tim – WOW!!! I’m so beyond happy for you. Reading everything you have written, I can only smile at the thought of that little child having such a wonderful kind, self-aware emotionally intelligent Dad looking out for them. Like Rupert, they will be very blessed indeed. Good wishes to you and your lovely lady.
I may not be able to respond again for a while, I’m currently skiving off work for ten minutes to write this post and work into late in the evenings. Keep the heads up folks, this adventure of life is not easy on anyone and I’ll post as soon as I can xNovember 9, 2020 at 1:38 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #368823
Good luck with whatever approach you take. Just remember, you’re growing and evolving and presumably so is she. She might as I said before just have been a journey mate, there to teach you something, but perhaps not to stay. Who knows.
I noticed you asking some questions of @kkasxo that seemed to have a core nugget of insecurity or low self worth still. Whether we think you’re good enough for ‘B’, whether she deserves better. Work on you own self, for your own self. Not for an outcome, just make yourself the best version of yourself in life that you can be proud of, no matter who you bump into in life.
I think when we start from that point that ” I am good. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am kind’ and go from there, we can only attract good things. Because regardless of what you have done in the past, I can already see from what you’ve posted that you are all these things. So you have a lot to offer and with time and growth, even more to offer the world. So focus on your self growth and being the person you want and know you can be and take it from there.November 2, 2020 at 6:33 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #368516
To be honest, I think I’m well in over my head with my job too, I honestly am not excited, just have a sinking feeling when I think about it, like a heaviness on my chest.
I’M so happy your family is coming. Tow weeks quarantine with family is a gift right now, once upon a time it might have driven us nutty but I think we appreciate being with those we love and care about so much more now.
Have you had any deep conversations with Mr. A recently? Do you feel you will end up together long-term, say if he wants to get married or if ye want a family? Or do you think you will have a conversation at some point which may change things?
As for me, probably just the usual shelbyville self sabotage going on!! Ah i don’t know how I feel. Well actually, I know I am absolutely terrified. I’m just scared. I can’t pinpoint what exactly, but I feel like I’m looking for certainty at all times with the new guy and that’s just unrealistic. He was the one more expressive than me about his feelings and has been trying to cajole bits and pieces out of me, but now I feel myself getting more and more attached to him, I’m scared because now I feel like I have something to lose.
I do ask him a bit about the future and in fairness he gives me as much of an answer as one can when they have only been with someone a few months, but it’s like it’s never enough. Still seeking something it seems. I’m doing my best to tackle things calmly and not overreact and try not to over-analyse, but you know me! He’s a really laid back guy in many ways and believes that you should enjoy the moment rather than constantly worrying about the future or the past, but easier said than done for the likes of me!
Aw that’s so sweet that you have a kitten, pets can give such unconditional love! I miss my dog back home at my dad’s place! One day I dream of having my own place with a puppy!
Let me know how you are doing. x
@sammy – how did you get on, did you text your ex for his birthday?November 2, 2020 at 6:19 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #368515
Take a break buddy…you’ve been beating the crap out of yourself a lot. Maybe put the bat down. We can do a lot of things in this world. Changing the past…i’m afraid….is just one of those things that is simply impossible. You did what you did at the time because it was your coping mechanism. You didn’t want to hurt a kind human being like that deliberately, you don’t come across as an evil-minded person. You mere had a programme running in the background that dictated your actions at the time, to help you navigate life without risking the pain you felt in the past. It all makes sense.
Of course in hindsight with some self awareness and growth we feel absolutely horrendous for what we’ve done, but it happened. It’s done. You were a different person then. Not the person typing today. Not the person you will be in a year. Regrets are just regrets if you learn nothing from them.
I could sit here and cry and berate myself for going back to my ex three times and wasting so much time and heartache. Will that change those past few years? Not a bit. It was what it was, I did what I did because of the coping mechanisms I had at the time. I didn’t know better and then I know better, I do better.
B sounds like a lovely person, but she’s human and has her own life experiences that brought her to that point in her life. She may have met you and experienced what she did for her own reasons. Maybe she learned from that pain, who knows. Raking the coals is a deliberate form of torture. Do your best to make amends, move on and do better next time. Perhaps reach out by text – a tentative one at first and then if she responds, follow up with a request to meet. If she does not want to, then leave her be, she has chosen how she wants to heal. Is she agrees, meet her, apologise with true sincerity and let her know how much you actually respect and admire her as a human and then let her go and heal whatever way she wants to. She may have moved on already, she may not have, but at least you will have given her the respect of expressing your remorse.October 30, 2020 at 8:44 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #368446
@kkasxo lovely to hear from you. Yep the virus is like a noose at times I feel, but we are humans and therefore resilient, so we keep going.
I’m okay, there is a lot going on, tough new job, new location, new relationship, the teething problems of so much change for those around me who are used to me always putting others first. TBH, it’s been A LOT.
But I’m trying to stay in the moment as much as I can and control the controllables.
As for you, i can imagine it’s so different without your mum nearby, but life is constant change and soon it will become the norm to have a facetime call with her at a certain time or to post her a nice letter and some photos.
As for Mr A I’m glad you’re not in any pain with that. I’d rather you were really fulfilled and loved and adored and cherished and challenged and supported in every single way possible….but that might be me being a little biased!!! heehee