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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #371183
    Danny
    Participant

    @Tim , sorry about the delayed  response, work has been mad busy in lead up to the Christmas break.

    I hope you read this even if you can not respond. Thanks so much bro, I’m saddened there will be no other male on here. One time I didn’t mind sharing the ladies! Good luck with your new family and congratulations on your nuptials. I may be crossing over from the bachelor life too very soon. Fingers crossed. I never quite believed it being the red blooded male I am, until it unravelled in front of me but your advice and guidance for me was on the money. You were right the deep emotional chemistry is more special and has triumphed against the need for the physical side. I appreciate that connection of being understood and supported more than ever.

    Coming on here to post was the best decision I ever made, if i had continued to listen to the lads I hate to think where I’d be. Your life experiences, I personally think have been more valuable then what I would have gained from sitting with a professional just nitpicking at my childhood and finding reasons for my behaviour.

    This thread all of you have given me great feedback, I took the information and then researched it and made improvements. Thank you @Kkasxo, @Shelbyville and @Sammy!!


    @Sammy
    mate thanks so much for that reply. Really humbled, I really felt your pain from that bit of context you gave. Glad that you out of everyone has appreciated my progress, I hope it reassures you that there are men who mess up but will do everything to make it right amongst all the shitty ones who never really take accountability. I know I brought up pain for you when I posted that very first post.

    I think you’ll go on to being happy whatever happens. You’re a strong lady who lost herself a bit in a shitty relationship with an immature boy but you’re going to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I have no doubt your next relationship if you decide to embark on one will be solid! I hope the guy you meet is ready for you because you’re great! I know you want someone capable of growth but I hope he doesn’t need any metamorphosis like Tim and I. I hope he is ready to support you right away, you deserve that.

    You have taken time to really work on your weak points. So can only become greater. Don’t give up hope!

    I had really been trying to get a broader understanding of my feelings and actions.

    I didn’t want to go down the self pity road where I blamed my past.

    The whole growth for me was in process before I came on this thread but you all gave so many wonderful pointers in the right direction. @Shelbyville journeymate concept really challenged me the most.

    I tried searching for it but there wasn’t much literature on it, just Christine Hassler sound cloud who proclaims we don’t need the person who illicited the feelings of growth within us.

    I thought to myself how could I possibly say that about ‘B’. That she had done her work and needed to leave, we would never say we no longer need our parents or role models who have taught us so much. We cherish them.

    When I applied the concept to my relationship with ‘B’ its almost like this journeymate concept was giving me an excuse for using ‘B’ to fulfil a need and now I was capable to do it without her. That didn’t sit right with me at all. It allows people to shift blame off of their own bad actions and use it as a crutch for avoiding real hard growth by simply stating something happened for a reason. That to me was just lazy thinking and absolving oneself from accountability.
    Saying that the reason they happened to enter our lives was to help us is a convenient and selfish excuse and it outright ignores the pain that these same circumstances have caused to the other person.

    I couldn’t ever feel at ease knowing ‘B’ entered my life and my actions caused her to leave but it was ok to hurt her because I learned something. What about her would she feel the same, it happened for a reason and her pain was a fair collateral. I had to find meaning not simply say it happened for a reason.

    What was I going to do with this event that happened and affected both of us? I did the work to recognise my failings, I took accountability and repented
    I self forgave and then committed with intent to an amazing woman. I created meaning and value out of it. I’m a better man for it.

    So thanks a lot @Shelbyville. I don’t think I’d have found enough courage to fight my fears and self doubt.That concept enraged me to the point it spurred me on. It helped me move from being a victim of my circumstances to the creator of my future! I know I will have a bright future with this delightful woman by my side.

    For many who will pass through but especially men. I want to say our nature is to compartmentalise. We break up with someone and can close a door and erase it. However if you really listen to your body the intensity of that memory will be carried on until we face up to it. Until we learn and rectify it. I feel more at peace in my soul then I have in a very long time. That began by talking, expressing and acknowledging my real feelings. With ‘B’ it could have gone the other way but after that meeting to apologise. I felt proud of the man I’d become being able to face her and ask her how did my behaviour affect you, give closure to that chapter. Facing uncomfortable emotions is what minimises our fears.

    Thank you everyone 👊

    #371184
    Sammy
    Participant

    Wow @Danny, I don’t think I can put into words how remarkable your journey is. Men don’t do reflection! Like you said they compartmentalise. If they gain self awareness, they still falter.

    You really did some deep soul searching and worked on letting go of the patterned thoughts. Then went further to make amends and face the consequences of your behaviour.

    ‘B’ is equally lucky to have you! A man put his words into action- not many do, a man willing to be brave and hear how he affected someone then address it, instead of cowering in shame or boxing it off. Wow!! @Kkasxo was right, her intuition stated you were just a little lost and hurt. @Shelbyville when she reads it will be amazed at the part she has played in guiding you!

    It sounds like you are not going to post. Please do when you can (selfishly I love a happy conclusion) have a great Christmas Danny! Best of luck and thank you for your very sweet words! I was touched by you too! X

    #371303
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy I’ll try to post back. Over the festive period it’s unlikely. I think it would be cool if any other astray male stumbled across my story, to be inspired so I will try give complete progress when I can.

    You all helped put my jigsaw together. You all made a tremendous difference! Forever will be grateful for this thread @Shelbyville


    @Kkasxo
    my homie I hope you are doing well. We never got to vibe much again but I hope you are in a good place!


    @Tim
    @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo Have a merry Christmas you filthy animals and a happy new year! 🎄2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣1️⃣🎄

    #371361
    Sammy
    Participant

    I just posted on another thread and I don’t know why but thought of you @Kkasxo. I hope you are OK and finding the strength to push through for yourself. We don’t correspond much but I know how hard it is to let go of everything you know that feels so familiar. Let us know how you are doing. If not for me for @Shelbyville who always loves hearing from you!


    @Danny
    I look forward to your next post! Merry Xmas!!

    #371417
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Apologies for going awol. Really going through the motions of it all at the moment. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent most my days over sleeping, barely functioning with shattered eyes and a heavy soul. Life, or at least mine, has a tendency to mess up big time in one go. I guess this time is no different as everything around me seems to be falling apart, not just the relationship with Mr A.


    @Danny
    , I must say I am proud of you. You sound like a man who has really done the work and a man who truly values what he has. Luckily, the girl saw potential in you and has given you a second chance. I’m pleased for you and I hope you do right by her and find your happy ever after.

    I too hope that one day a man shows up for me in the same way you have shown up for her!

    Until then, I am going to spend time trying to work out what I want, who I am, how my past has changed me and how I can deal with that moving forward.

    I hope you all have a lovely week ahead of Christmas! Tier 4 or not!

    #371418
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Sammy, sorry love I’d only just seen your post. I’ve found myself down in the gutter more often than not recently. Old habits die hard and I have completely shut myself out away from everyone once more. I have such an intense need to talk, cry, scream it all out but at the same time really don’t want to communicate at all. I am lonely but want to be alone. Most of all, I am so friggin sad for me. So sad for the woman that I am and everything that I have been through that I really didn’t deserve. It honestly sucks. I didn’t deserve to have my life shattered in this way. To live with trauma and suffer with PTSD as a result. To wake up with heart racing like I’m going to have a heart attack. I didn’t deserve any of this. Particularly not at the hands of the man that ‘loved me’. Life really is just a load of sh*t right now.

    But I can’t wait for this to be all over. For this whole chapter to be over. This year. Everything

    #371427
    Danny
    Participant

    Hey homie ( @Kkasxo )

    I had to make time and reply to you. You welcomed me here with open arms, I’ll never forget that.

    Tier 4, what a nightmare! B and me both escaped and headed out of the city before the new restrictions took effect! I hope you have family around you and are surrounded by those who love you very much.

    Cross my heart and hope to die I will do right by ‘B’. It took a lot of graft and finding out exactly what my needs were. It was worth it.

    I was betrayed by ‘A’ my very first love as well as my best friend. I really feel your pain of being hurt by the one you loved. I think you are wise enough to not do what I did and get involved with others and inflict them with my pain.

    Being by yourself as painful as it is will heal you properly. I never thought I’d be where I am now but I really had to face those questions, who am I, what do I do now, how do I heal, what do actually need in relationship? For me these hard questions led me to this journey I’m on now. So as you’ve read I did the work and it paid off.

    I promise you that the storms we face always lead you to your rainbow. I can tell you are a beautiful soul and a guy will one day show up for you in the way you deserve. Your Mr A was given a chance because you fought for the love you initially had, but he IS A FOOL if blew it. HE is the one losing out. Don’t settle for less, you will with time see you are more than your wounds, you deserve everything and more.

    I wish you a merry Christmas and more than that healing. If you need to talk just @ me. Here for you homie!

    #371428
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Danny,

    Bless you, we haven’t been communicating for very long but a part of me feels like you’re my actual ‘bro’. Maybe the Londoner thing, maybe close in age, who knows.

    I am actually proud of you, if no one has told you, I am proud. Of how far you have come as an individual, as a man, of how much work you put in for your own personal growth! I’m here for it!! I’m so glad that you have left the lads behind so to speak and did what you believed to be best for you. And here you are talking about being a bachelor not much longer, soooooo here for it!!

    My family is unfortunately not in the country. They moved back to our home country back in May and we’re going to come for Christmas. Then my Nan got sick and likely this will be her last Christmas, so they were going to come for 3 days on Christmas Day instead but now with all the travel restrictions it’s looking unlikely. Mr A is still here but really only out of the goodness of my heart. His stuff has been packed since last week or so and he was on the way out. But me being me, I offered a helping hand understanding that it isn’t an ideal time for it all and perhaps he needs another week or two to make the necessary arrangements to leave – I’m fine with it. I feel like I’ve cried so many tears for this man already I physically haven’t got any more in me. As heartbreaking as it is, ultimately, he showed me what love isn’t. Even if I still do love him.

    I am just ready for a fresh start now. And yeah I think you’ve read me just right, I couldn’t think of anything worse than entertaining any other situationship right now haha. I probably won’t for a very long time because in all honesty, I’ve kinda given up on the hopeless romantic that I am.

    I think the last few weeks have been ones of solid realisations. I really am not asking for anything out of the ordinary. And I definitely deserve much more than this.

    Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas also x

    #371432
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Kkasxo

    I’m really sad to read how much you are struggling of late. My heart breaks that you can’t be with your nana. My prayers are with your family and I hope you get to make the most out of technology and facetime or videocall. I know you’re with Mr A and I hope he does something to return that incredible gesture. Look how big your heart is, even when parting you are showing him kindness.

    That feeling of just wanting to shut yourself off from the world and retreat is so familiar.

    It is okay to want some space, do what feels most peaceful. I will say don’t isolate yourself to the point where it makes you feel more empty, unwanted and drives you further into a spiral. For me it drove me to alcohol just to numb myself.

    Come on here and scream and write those messy thoughts out. If you don’t want any interaction, we will just post gentle reminders and encouragement so you feel heard and not alone.

    You are a such a brave and beautiful soul. I know you are feeling sad for yourself, you probably thought you’d be at a different point in life but we will get there just at a different pace.

    It’s easy to place blame on yourself for what’s happened. But you’re right you didn’t deserve to go through hell, you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken and confidence shattered.

    Try to think about it the way I do now; our exes were perfectly fine with hurting the heart who loved them the most. They lost out not us! I mean if they were the one for us all the shit we went through and going through wouldn’t be happening.

    I don’t know if you are spiritual but it is the universe or God’s way in eventually leading us to the one who will understand us, will show up and despite our wounds love us unconditionally. The best is yet to come!

    You need to show yourself the same compassion you gave to other posters on this thread. You are were never the problem. You are not unloveable. Don’t let these thoughts consume you that you end up losing all optimism for the future.

    You may be depressed slightly especially with being away from family, nana and Mr A exiting? I know what it’s like to feel alone, but you’re not. I’m just one of the many people who are here for you and will listen. Don’t ever feel scared to ask for help from this thread as well as your GP.

    I know you are so strong especially to have got to where you are after the trauma you faced and grief at hands of Mr A. To fight back is strength and you’ve been doing that for so long, it’s okay to need a helping hand from time to time.

    This year is nearly over. Bury the past and just focus on YOU. You can’t change the events of the past or other peoples selfish actions. Let karma do its thing. You need to start loving yourself so the trauma can no longer haunt or define you in your mind. Because Kkasxo if I was to describe you your trauma would represent your strength. Your relationship would represent your capacity of love, forgiveness. Your are a beautiful, kind soul.

    The poison we have endured stops with us. Set yourself free, Tim and Danny were fortunate to have angels bless them and then guide them to the light and they then fought for their angels.

    Maybe we just have to be our own angels and see the light and fight for ourselves and we will still win xxxxxx

    #371553
    Danny
    Participant

    Homie!! @Kkasxo

    I felt an instant vibe too! I don’t have a sis so I’ll be your bro! Even let you correct me if I’m tripping! ahaha

    Feeling the love – it’s got me in my feels and tearful, other than B no ones ever said they are proud of me! Who knew those words could resonate so deeply. For so long I felt like I had been a disappointment, the shame and disgust in varying forms from not being chosen to then how I reacted and hurt B – the one person who really got me. I never thought I’d do a 180 and be where I am.

    I decided to stay with B’s family in their coach house over christmas, i don’t know if it’s nerves but I don’t think her old man is a fan and I’m reluctant to approach him for her hand! I’m also a bit concerned now with Tier 4 being threatened outside London too and feeling an inconvenience if I become stuck here.

    Sorry to hear about your nan that really sucks on top of your family being out of the country must be so tough. I hope you are able to power through the festive period and be reunited soon. You’re stronger than you think to be dealing with this! On top to let Mr A. have a reprieve, you’re some woman!

    You’re right you deserve so much more and you’ve come to find love on its own is never enough our internal needs always find a way to make themselves be heard. You owe it to yourself to have a fulfilling relationship and if Mr A is disturbing your peace of mind then that’s a clear sign something was amiss. Love is a verb. You have to keep working at it but is only fulfilling if both people feel the same, work the same amount and there are men out there who would show up and prove how much value you hold.

    You are allowing him to live a little longer with you but don’t let him live rent free in your head!! There was no closure for me with ‘A’ . It’s terrible when it is over and you still love someone. So I would highly recommend that you both discuss it maturely before the years up and then let go so you can focus on healing and yourself.

    The worse thing to do is let him leave but feel nothing has changed within you but everything has changed outside of you. It’s like stumbling in the dark, blinding and numbing. So get closure and really let go to be able to move forward.

    I honestly think although it is a sh*t storm right now, you don’t realise how far you’ve come, you’re so smart and wise to not entertain further situationship’s and you’ll come out winning by doing some self loving. Don’t lose your hopeless romantic side the right guy deserves to experience all of you and he’ll love you for it.

    You are amazing to even make such a hard decision when you still love him, progress!!!  Your self worth can only become greater! So I’m proud of you too homie! You will find this is the step towards a healthier and happier you.


    @Sammy
    , me and @Shelbyville (when she returns) have your back! If you need anything over the festive period @ me !

    Merry Christmas 🎅

    #371555
    Danny
    Participant

    @Sammy – you always make time for others too, I know you’re probably waiting on @Shelbyville to reply. She’s probably having a blast so can’t blame her, but if you need anything over the festive period just message. I’ll try my best to return your help and aid.

     

    Merry Christmas 🎅

    #371620
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Danny That means a lot. I do have a tendency to wait for a reply, but don’t worry I understand @Shelbyville and @Tim have their own lives nonetheless I know you said you were busy over the festive period so thanks so much for taking out a bit of your time to say that.  Don’t stress about the approval you’ll work yourself into a frenzy. Just treat his daughter with the love, respect and care you have been recently and you’ll earn your place!


    @Kkasxo
    thinking of you, hope your eve and Christmas day brings you peace and glad tidings.

    Have a good one all x

    #371648
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I started a lengthy response a while back, but it was on my phone as I cant go on the forum in work and then my phone rang whilst I was typing and i closed the browser and lost the post I had written and was too exhausted to write it all again.

    Danny,

    Lol, I know you mentioned to Sammy I’m probably having a blast! Ha, I wish that were true! In fairness, I don’t want to complain because there are others who suffer far more than me in the world. I’m just still overwhelmed and stressed at the moment, but we power on!

    I’m delighted things are going well with B. Don’t worry too much about her Dad, of course it would be ideal if he adored you as much as she does, but at the end of the day, SHE adores you and that’s what matters. You want to be with her and while her family is important to her, there are just the two of you in that relationship. Plus give it time, these things often take time. I always felt that my ex’s Dad couldn’t really warm to me. A very nice man, don’t get me wrong, but we never clicked as such or made much conversation etc, and I would have loved to get on really well with him, but it justn’t wasn’t the way, so I accepted it wouldn’t be that way and moved on. The key is to just love and cherish B, and I’m sure it will always be apparent to any outside observer just how much you love her.

    Sammy,

    How are you doing? Are you still back with your family? I know it’s super cold and a bit miserable this winter, but I hope you’ve been able to get out for walks or runs to clear your head. I found podcasts and music really helped me when I was feeling sad and a little lost after the end of my relationship. I would walk and listen and walk and think and walk and listen and it became my routine and it made me feel anchored in a way…if that makes sense?

    You asked about my relationship a while back on the thread. It’s good. I think!! To be honest, it’s all very new to me to have a man ‘show up’ and there are feelings and thoughts and old patterns on my behalf that are trying to process it all. I know I am very happy with him and he makes me feel very loved and that’s scary to me I guess. I love him too and I feel when I love something, I have the risk of losing it. It’s an ongoing battle, but I’m working on  it. I don’t want to lose him and I really want a future with him. So fingers crossed I can not stand in my own way.

    I’m finding the amount on my plate a bit overwhelming lately and my anxiety because of it, is becoming unmanageable at times. I have been seeing my therapist the odd time (online) when I can, but I feel like I live in my car now, I’m on the road so much. My job is still as stressful as ever, maybe even more so, the demands of my family and the responsibilities I have to my Dad to fill the void left by my Mum on a practical basis and an over-anxious 9-months-pregnant sister who wants to use a drone to track my every move currently for fear I will not be available come ‘push-time’, a homeowner in the city I moved to, I have been trying to get almost 2k quid back off as I never moved in but paid deposit etc and she keeps lying and making excuses, two of my best guys mates who have split up with their girlfriends and Christmas shopping and trying to make it a good Christmas for my family while all the while trying not to freak out about the bloody coronavirus and it’s prevalence, have left me completely spinning.

    I don’t think I’ll be able to post here again for some time. I would absolutely die inside to feel like I’ve let anyone down or someone needed me and I wasn’t there for them, so I feel like I need to press pause for now. I’m trying to keep too many balls in the air and some of them are about to drop. My boyfriend has already mentioned that I seem to have issues with boundaries and taking time for myself and always trying to keep every side happy. So I’m going to take some time out, away from online and try to tackle each element of my life one by one and see if I can maybe live a more balanced life because I realise that I’m heading towards burnout and some of the spinning plates will come crashing down if I don’t start dealing with them.

    I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, though it may look and feel different to what we had hoped for. I hope you all remain safe and healthy and your families too. Thanks so much for all the posting, it has helped not only me so so much, but evidently so many more.

    Keep posting here and supporting each other if you need to, you are all kind, generous and understanding people in my humble opinion and I’m grateful for our interactions.

    #371650
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo – how are you doing? I hope you are okay. Christmas can’t be easy without your family. I think you are strong and brave and will thrive….in time…. for decisions you are making now. I know you must feel lost or sad but I really feel that you are more than what your mind tells you you are. I can absolutely guarantee you that this time last year, I did not believe for one second I would be where I am today. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, I felt strange and caught a lot in my past. And yet the world kept turning and moving and as a human I guess I kept growing.

    What’s happening now is a chapter in your life. There will be a new one and when that new chapter changes, there will be a new one after that. You are more than your trauma, your sadness, your loss. You are someone who is finding herself, bit by bit in a way that you can cope with. Hang in there. Whenever you feel depleted and that nothing is ever going to change, counter that thought and say, ‘well who knows?’. None of us are clairvoyant.

    Have the best Christmas that you can have, rest and recuperate and revive your weary soul as best you can. Sending you so much warmth and kindness and all of those who post on this thread, I want the universe to feel the heartfelt goodwill and love I’m sending out. You all deserve it. Even on our worst days, we deserve it. Let’s hope. Always. xx

    #371652
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville nice to hear from you. Rest assured although I enjoy receiving correspondence to what I input (because it’s an investment of time and effort to respond to someone’s woes) I’ve grown up I don’t feel like I once did… Initially I know I was very reliant on yours and @Tim’s post. And tuning out was hard but I realised my mistakes.

    Anyway you do you 😊 I’m happy you are prioritising yourself. I wish you a very merry Christmas. May the anxiety in your life ease and burdens halve now you have a BF by your side. All the best!!!

    @All If anyone specifically needs my input or help please just tag me and I’ll reply..other than that I will let you all continue your journeys xxxx

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Sammy.
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