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September 22, 2020 at 8:26 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #367074
I’m here. How are you doing? Sorry, I’ve been working from home due to new restirctions and ironically I think I work even MORE from home (to prove a point I guess) so I’ve been manic.
How are you feeling? It’s okay that you drank last night, in the sense that you cannot change what you have already done. It’s gone and beating yourself up about it will give you absolutely no benefit. None whatsoever. Except push you in to a shame spiral which may inevitably make you feel worse and want to drink even more.
Thing is you don’t need to drink, your brain just wants you to feel like you do because who wants to sit with loneliness? Who wants to sit with sad emotions? We all have crutches. I find it extremely difficult to just sit with myself, when I’m low that is. Other times I’m fine and even relish it, but when I’m low I need connection, I crave it. But I’m working on it. On trying to sit with the discomfort a little more each time. Actually I had a virtual session with my therapist this afternoon (on my break) and we talked about me expanding my capacity to feel anxious and upset or lonely or worried and sit with it a while longer. He said consistently doing this will eventually reduce its toll on me.
Start your indoor routine diary. I’ve found that I’ve not been journalling much lately and it’s having an impact. The littlest things have an impact. So get a notebook and plan tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, plan the following day and so on. I even took up knitting at one point and suduko to occupy my mind at times indoors. And remember, it sux now but this too shall pass and you won’t be cooped up like this always.
To this day I might bump into an ex and still have a reaction. I don’t know, it’s just a reminder of a different time, a time that had different feelings attached to it and the memory almost makes your body relive it, like their presence leaves a lasting imprint on you which is triggered when you see them. However I also think that fades with time, so that the 4th or 5th time you bump in to them, it’s a little less each time.
I have stayed friends with exes. I don’t know how exactly, it just kind of works. They have moved on, I have moved on. They have families and stuff now so it’s not like there is ever a possibility for anything to happen again, so it works. However it depends. I’m not friends with ALL my exes. The ex who was the reason for starting this thread is not my friend. In fact, in a strange moment yesterday after zero contact, I texted him something about his parents to do with coronavirus that crossed my mind. He replied politely and also congratulated me on my new job in the city, which he had apparently heard about through the usual grapevine and that was it. I wasn’t anxious waiting for his reply, in fact, I didn’t care if he didn’t reply at all. I had no romantic feelings towards him, he is not the person I initially built him up to be in my head. He’s just…..whatever now. I don’t know if I’m just detached now or time has helped, but either way, it is what it is for now.September 17, 2020 at 7:20 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366910
@kkasxo, so good to hear from you. Yeah things seem to be pretty crap for both of us right now I guess. I don’t feel I’m in a great place, really upset and anxious. How have you been coping? Are you still working? Are we back to the watching Netflix survival technique again?!!!
Adelaide, thanks so much for the advice. Yeah attachment styles can be useful frames of reference. I’m definitely anxious, potentially anxious-avoidant. I really thought he was secure initially, but then felt he was more anxious. At the moment – avoidant, so honestly I don’t know what he is.
Trust me I know what it’s like to find dating difficult to navigate. When we feel the need for reassurance and a little more certainty. Maybe when not to heavily invested in someone to start, you could try practising moments of discomfort with less contact than you like? I feel that’s something I need to practice too. Not everyone has the same way of communicating in a relationship I guess.
I’m definitely hurt, though that was not his intention this eve. He got pretty crap job news which has thrown him and created uncertainty for him so he’s been in poor form this evening & less than super communicative.
I tried to explain (via text as he didn’t pick up when I called) that I’m upset & hurting a bit & not sure what’s going on. He said he’s sorry I feel crap but he has a lot on his mind & doesn’t feel like getting in to it & just wants to watch tv & not think or talk about it. I explained that I am here to listen and support from someone who cares can really help a crappy day but he said he didn’t have the energy to get in to heavy stuff tonight.
I told him I missed him and care about him and asked if he could see it from my perspective, and that I’m there to listen at any time & im not sure why he’s shutting me out. He said he’s not shutting me about but that some people like ‘quiet time’ and that if I were there he’d give me a cuddle but that he’s done talking and thinking tonight. He said he’s sorry that I’m feeling crap. I had previously suggested in the previous message meeting up tomorrow eve after I travel home after work but he said he’d rather spend tomorrow night alone.
I said I had been looking forward to seeing him and giving him cuddles. I said that I was sorry he didn’t feel the same. I added that I’d give him a call on my journey home tomorrow with a little x at the end. He didn’t reply.
Nothing points to this working. Nothing. I’m aware. And yet it makes me so sad to think of it not working out. I get this ache in my tummy when I imagine him not with me & going off and meeting someone else. I try not to dwell on that too much. My friend has tried to explain that some people deal with things differently and that men in particular, can deal with things without talking & that he was having a crap day & didn’t want to get in to a big heavy thing with me too on top of all that.
Im gonna have to manage my upset through Friday and try to make it to sat & pray that he’ll accept to meet me cos I can’t let this go on any longer without sorting it out one way or another. I’m dreading this….please be on standby Tiny Buddha family as I have a feeling I may need ye badly.
While you can’t leave the house, is there a new routine you can stick to in the house? One that would keep you on track like the runs did. My sister used to give me a notebook to write in times. Like a school class schedule to stick to to get me through from one end of the day to the next. It really helped, like she would allocate ten mins to getting dressed and brushing hair etc. Half hour meditation, half hour journaling. One hour baking etc etc and it was those baby steps that ultimately helped me get to the days when I no longer needed the list. XSeptember 17, 2020 at 1:31 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366878
Dont worry I know you have good intentions. And people on here often give advice based on their reading of a situation, some of it lands true, some of it doesn’t. I appreciate the advice.
At the moment, I’m sad. I was feeling poorly today – have a female infection- so I got a doc appointment for my lunch break. Was awake most of the night with discomfort. Anyway, I didn’t get much caring from the guy. Again, so different to how he was before. When we first met, I had to get a brain scan for an ear- ache. Unnecessary and a waste of time but doc insisted. When new guy found out he was very very put out that I hadn’t told him and that that’s something important and almost like – why wouldn’t I tell him, like he already has us as a couple in his mind. I was taken aback at the tone but also touched by his caring. Today he texted and said ‘feel better’.
The communication has been bland again today and we were in convo via text tonight about work and the news and stuff and I asked him a question and he’s just decided to not reply further. So yeah, it’s all very strange and odd. No talk of meeting this weekend or doing anything together. So yeah, I’m sad.
I’m also hormonal too which doesn’t help, but highly satisfied that I’m most definitely not pregnant – as there was a 1% doubt in my mind which was niggling me. But at least I can let that worry go now.
My face is also breaking out with a coldsore like virus these past 5 wks or so. I feel like I’m just dejected in so many ways now! Btw I might not address all things you mention as it’s quite detailed and honestly, some of it doesn’t apply to even, but I read it all and reference the things I feel have relevance to me.
I hope you’re improving slightly Sammy and are finding little distractions to keep you going for the next week or two.September 16, 2020 at 9:37 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366816
Thanks for the advice guys. It’s so hard for me to figure things out at times between my head and heart, what my gut thinks and what I should do versus what I want to do. I can’t peg this guy. That’s my difficulty. I knew my ex so well and all his issues that he brought to the table and who I felt he was a person, but with this guy, it’s so new, I can’t get a read on him.
Last night he was on the phone where he said he was considering watching a horror movie to just ‘feel something’. I don’t know what he meant, well I know he wanted to be scared, but actually I feel it ties in to his personality now. I don’t know if he is maybe a little depressed or down or has shut himself off somewhat, especially with the tragic loss of his younger brother last year. He’s not busy at work. That is a fact, the reason he hates it is because he literally does zero all day long, actually zero. It’s like they don’t have anything for him to do but don’t know where to put him, so his morale is low. He works out every second evening and then says all he wants to do is go to bed and listen to music and tune his brain out.
We don’t talk every day on the phone, we text most days but that could end at lunchtime and I wouldn’t hear from him again until the next day. I called him the other night because I just wanted to talk to him but I’d say I woke him up because he had already said his goodnight by text and I think he really just wanted to hang up and sleep. It’s really fun when I’m with him and I enjoy being in his company and hanging out with him and the chemistry is definitely there then. He does know how to text because he did that constantly up until recently with constant cute messages of flirtiness and banter. So I honestly don’t know.
Still no brave/strong enough to walk away.
Sammy, I know 2 weeks seems so long, but I did it at the start of covid and got through it, you will too. I did a lot of puzzles to engage my mind from thinking about other things. I was lucky as I lived in the rural countryside, so I could walk everyday and still be self isolating as no-one else around! Could you do the same? You don’t have to run, even a walk can be great for the mind. Also set a challenge for yourself of learning or doing something new each day – have it as a focal point. The hormones really do contribute to the crazy dreams and all that kind of thinking, so I’m confident it will pass again.
Rhaenys, I’m sorry to hear your in the same situation and hope you manage to make it through.September 16, 2020 at 12:36 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366802
ok basically while you have been doing immense work this past while, it’s still early relatively speaking and the routine you had developed was certainly helping you survive. I don’t think it might be at the stage where you’re magically ‘over’ him as such.
You will deal with all emotions when the time comes, but up to now, your mind and body found a healthy way of coping and that’s perfectly normal.
If you look back on my posts on this thread, I ALWAYS felt I was going backwards when I was sick or hormonal. It just got me out of whack entirely and I started the spiralling thoughts. But I’d hold on and say to myself, if I can just make it past this day, or this week or whatever, I have a feeling the fog will lift again and I’ll be okay.
So don’t worry, you won’t stay like this, you’ll be back to your routine soon and in the meantime, lean on friends through the phone or computer and maybe try reading something really interesting to stop your mind from wandering.
Im ok, my anxiety, as always, is the worst in the morning so I find that challenging but it eases out throughout the day. He’s not being super communicative again this week. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s even deliberate at this stage. He called me last night, just general chit chat. I texted him going to sleep but he didn’t respond and hasn’t viewed the messages yet this morning.
Im going to have to say something this weekend, but it’s hard to know who to talk to him. I thought my ex was bad, but this guy is….I dunno…..sometimes immature, sometimes really deep. It’s hard to get a read on him. I would like to bring it up over the phone so I don’t have to suffer another week of anxiety but he doesn’t believe in discussing things over the phone. I see his point in one way but at the same time, we live apart for a whole week each week, without phone conversations, a lot can build up.
Anyway, it’s tough. He was amazing when I arrived at his place last Friday and Sat and then not as amazing when I returned again to him last Sunday after I had visited with family. At the moment I feel like he’s not that excited about me. To be honest, I get the sense he’s not that excited about anything. He hates his job so much and doesn’t really have anything else he looks forward to apart from his workouts. But in the beginning he was nervous around me and always trying to see me and now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.
I like him. Some parts I’m beginning to see I don’t like. But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. But I don’t know where his head is at.September 15, 2020 at 11:36 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366777
are you okay? It’s 100% normal to feel like this too. You’ve been doing so well, really helping yourself and really making progress. Just ‘cos you feel down today, does not in any way negate the progress you have made.
You’re run down & not able to rely on your routine at the moment, so that exposes vulnerabilities & we ALL like to be taken care of from time to time. It makes us human. Not to sound like a broken record but on my bad days I stuck by the mantra, this too shall pass. And it does. You know it CAN, because you have felt better in recent weeks than you do today so it IS possible. But like life, sometimes it’s ebb and flow and right now, there is somewhat of an ebb that needs to be released from you too. So don’t worry – you will be in a better place again, but it’s okay to not be okay right nowSeptember 14, 2020 at 5:10 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366684
Lucie, you are ALWAYS more than what your trauma would have you believe. It’s hard to acknowledge that in the midst of PTSD or anxiety, but try to keep it close to your heart somewhere. In my previous job, I printed out the saying ‘This Too Shall Pass’ and placed it at the bottom of my computer and any time I read it, I reinforced the idea that no matter how bad I felt, it would eventually ease. You are surviving and that in itself is an achievement, so you are achieving. Be proud of yourself for that. Keep up with whatever tips work for you. Writing everything down without thinking too much about exactly what you want to write is also useful. do it continuously and see after a week or two what comes up for you.
Thank you so much for your kind advice. It makes so much sense and I definitely wish I had more self worth, it just doesn’t seem to be there. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not for the want of trying. I have worked hard over the past number of years on my self awareness and anxiety. But I guess the root problem remains.
It’s so reassuring to hear your attitude is now so far from how you felt when you first started posting here. How far you have come! Well done on growing so much these past few weeks and months.
I’m okay. Anxiety is pretty bad again today – it goes straight to my stomach, so there is no way of ignoring it. It churns and churns, I didn’t sleep well last night. I went straight from my job to the new guy’s place (a long drive!) last Friday evening. I was expecting the worst after the horrendous week I had put in. When I got there, it was lovely. Genuinely lovely. He was in good form, very much like he was at the start and the way I had become accustomed to. He was happy to see me, kind, caring, funny, affectionate. So I went with it and enjoyed our time. I was preparing to leave early on Saturday as I had an appointment to go to as I felt he would be caught up with the guys. But as it turned out, he said he had wanted to spend most of Sat with me as he wasn’t meeting up with the guys until later on Sat. I said it was miscommunication but felt better that he did in fact want to spend time with me. He was talking about coming and staying with me in the city on weekends when I move into a more permanent place etc and it was all nice.
I went home on Sat and he was messaging me for most of the day and texted to say he missed me (though I suspect he had a beer or two at that stage) but it was still nice to hear.
Anyway, I drove down to his place again on Sun afternoon to stay over and drive back to the city first thing this morning. However yesterday when I arrived, he was a little different to how he had been on Friday. It was all such small things, you wouldn’t even notice them probably if you weren’t me, but I felt he wasn’t as caring or as interested on the Sunday. Now I realise he was a little hungover, but he was still in pretty decent shape. I left super early this morning, practically the middle of the night, after twisting and turning most of the night. I just started to get super anxious again. I don’t know why. I felt he was frustrated with me, I could be completely projecting here. That’s the thing. I can’t feel my gut instinct at the moment because anxiety makes me not understand my feelings and which ones are real and which are just constructs of the anxiety.
So my tummy is still upside down today after being totally fine at the weekend and I’m super exhausted.September 10, 2020 at 9:11 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366497
That’s incredible, your outlook has changed so much in such a short time, I’m really happy to hear you are doing much better than you were. Exercise and focus and reframing your thoughts are excellent tools, so well done and I hope you’re giving yourself credit for the growth and work you’ve already done.
I didn’t go further with my friend because to be honest, the attraction wasn’t really there for me to the extent I needed it to be. I didn’t pursue it further because my gut was telling me, he’s not for me. I just wasn’t feeling it, but he’s a good person and I hope he will be happy in a relationship with someone wonderful some day.
I don’t have deeper feelings for the new guy than my ex because I know him a much much shorter duration. Yet, I can’t seem to walk away. Kkasxo would have spoken previously about the curse of imagined potential….and I suppose I had let my heart and imagination run away with the potential of it working out and now I want that. Even though right now it doesn’t appear to be on offer. I wish I could stand up for myself and show myself how much I’ve grown, but evidently I haven’t because I still want someone who is only lukewarm now towards me. I think the most difficult aspect for me was the gushing adoration at the start and the fun and kindness and consideration he gave me, had he always been lukewarm and a bit ‘meh’ I would have walked away, but he was very much all about a serious relationship at the start and expressing in many ways how much he liked me. Perhaps I was fooled and I read too much in to that.
I have been alone – as in single- for a large part of my life apart from my relationship with my ex. However I have a strong circle of family and friends. When I went travelling to Oz & NZ, I did so alone, so I guess I tested some of my capability then.
I definitely know in the height of my anxiety I was afraid to be alone as I felt I was spiralling out of control and wouldn’t be able to cope and would do something stupid.
The new guy texted some today, but nothing flirty or anything, just about his work and his day. I honestly have no idea what is going on. If he wanted out, you’d think he’d ghost or just call it….so I don’t have a clue what he is thinking tbh.September 9, 2020 at 3:30 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366464
my previous guy friend (who is still my friend), didn’t make me feel bad when we’re dated. Since then, as a friend he has let me down a couple of times, he has many great qualities, but also sometimes things that don’t sit well with me. But right now he’s being a good friend.
new guy doesn’t know about anxiety as we haven’t been dating a very long time and I didn’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable at this stage. I certainly don’t feel like opening up to someone currently who is gone quite cold. He would have some knowledge of mental health issues as he lost his younger brother sadly last year.
yes I hate to be alone. It frightens me. However, I did go off travelling by myself which I thought helped my growth in this sense. But yet here I am, I reach out a lot. Be it my therapist, tiny Buddha, my sister, various friends. I pull pull pull info & opinion from lots of people about one thing, in an effort to rationalise it I suppose.
I have to say I can hardly believe I’m corresponding with the same Sammy. Your perception has massively changed – well done, you are really doing wellSeptember 8, 2020 at 11:37 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366422
@kkasxo, if you pick up your messages, I’d love to hear from you.
Hi all, I’m struggling now. Not much sleep. All of the advice is what I already know. However my logic brain is not what’s running the programme at the moment. I’m in an anxiety spiral of hurt and upset and can’t see the wood for the trees.
All I feel I want now is him. Which is infantile in some ways. I don’t understand what’s happening. I would normally go to therapy but have some light shed on it, but my therapist is on leave this week.
We sort of argued on the phone last night when I suggested driving to his place after work this evening to spend a few hours with him. He said he wouldn’t feel good about that as it’s a three hour drive and he doesn’t want me running myself in to the ground. Again, makes sense, but all I heard was….I don’t want to see you. And then he started to sigh and say “i know what you’re thinking now…..that I don’t want to see you….but that’s not the case.”
I texted him after phone call and said that I’m a pretty genuine and open person and I don’t know why he keeps describing me as moody (even when I’m in great form?!) and that I was just trying to make an effort.
he replied and said it’s not his job to look out for me and that he wouldn’t feel good about me making such a long journey and good night. No sweetness etc
I replied again saying that I hoped he realised the gesture at least and he said he did and appreciated it and that he hoped I realised that he does actually want me there. I explained that women need to hear these things sometimes and that then they can make sensible choices – like not doing a long drive. He hasn’t replied since then but it was late.
I don’t expect to hear from him a lot today or in the coming days. I feel as though he’s rubbing his forehead thinking this is all getting too heavy and hard work and will kind of ease off the communication over the next while and just look forward to his boys weekend.
anyway, I know all the good advice, I just need to know how to cope right now. For each moment, to get me through. I’m not near strong enough or self confident enough to take the bigger steps etc. I’m just in a ball at the moment & feel lost and scared. (Anyone reading this thread will recognise these sentences from my first couple of posts ever!) but here I am again- it is what it is.September 8, 2020 at 2:05 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366368
I had started a reply last night to you and got caught up in the middle of it and had to abandon the post, because I wanted to give it the proper time to write the right words to you to express how sad I am to hear of Ruperts passing. I completely and utterly sympathise and empathise. Dogs and pets, but especially dogs are incredible creatures. They give you unconditional love and a bond that asks nothing of you but to be yourself and love them back. They are a constant, a familiar stable kind warm soul, always there to be an anchor in your life. It is so sad that they live such short lives and we must say goodbye, but he was a journey mate. He was with you for a reason for so many years and once his journey and service to you was done, he moved on when the time was right. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get to grieve just as you would for any other significant loss in you life, because for me, to be honest I like dogs more than I like humans most of the time. Rest well Rupert.
Sammy, I have been a ball of anxiety. Hello my life circa…. 2018……!!! Basically I know what you have all said, I know what my advice would be to a friend or one of you, should you find yourselves in the same situation and yet I can’t do it. He told me o Saturday that he has a life plan and that me moving away kind of put a major obstacle in the way. He says he likes me as much as always and that if that were the problem he would just say ‘thanks but I don’t think it’s working between us, goodbye’, but he says it’s hard because he does like me. He said he doesn’t know where his head is at, he didn’t meet me Sat to end it, but neither can he commit and he knows that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he can’t change the way he feels or the lack of answers he has right now. Basically he also said he hadn’t planned on having a big depressing upsetting convo on Sat and just wanted to hang out of do things so I said okay and we spent the day walking around, eating, he did a little shopping etc. We were holding hands and it felt nice. However I felt compelled to bring it up again when we returned to the car and he seemed to be getting anguished having such a conversation again. It was a very brick wall convo and I didn’t see the point in trying to continue it so he said he’d drop me home. When we arrived at my house I asked did he want me to call over to his place (seeing as how I established that he didn’t intend to stay in mine) but he said maybe we should leave it SAt night until things settled a bit.
He again said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me and I explained that communication is sometimes a bit scant and that things had changed and he didn’t fill me in and I was therefore confused and he asked ‘am i not allowed to change my mind….surely everyone should be allowed?” Anyway, I agreed to see him on the sunday afternoon and we said we’d cook dinner together in his place. So we met up, did some shopping for dinner supplies and he was in good form and affectionate etc and we made dinner and hung out. As we sat watching tv that evening I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t say anything but I was constantly anxious. If he was not cuddling me for maybe 5-10 mins I became worried etc. As the night went on, I just felt that 1% was not right and yes while I’m self aware and know that I can snowball, I still knew it wasnt the same as it had been previously.
He was working the next morning and I was off work, so he told me to take the spare key and lie on on bed for a while. I stayed maybe 30 mins more in bed and then let myself out and put the key back in the post box. Anyway since then I’ve remained anxious. He has been texting etc but it’s just not like before. I had become accustomed to his outward expressions of affection, flirtiness etc and now, while that hasn’t disappeared totally, it’s definitely not the same. I realise I cringed a bit at first with the outpouring of his feelings for me, but it wore on me and I eventually became quite happy to get that kind of communication. Now I miss it.
He said he’d see me this coming weekend. However this evening he has texted me to ask is it ok if he has a sleepover/drinks party (I’d imagine) with his two best buddies on Sat night. So I don’t know what that means. Again….it’s okay….I feel you all screaming at the computer!!! Haha! I don’t know, I want him and I don’t know why. As in, I know what I like about him, but this is not great behaviour from him, though not intentional. But the gap is always there that we’re not in a relationship…so does that mean I’m an option and if something better comes along, he’ll be done with me. My friend says I’m catastrophising, but here I am, nonetheless. I don’t have the strength to walk away, I’m in a strange city in a job I hate with no support network and suffer so bad with anxiety. At least in the past I had all my support network and familiar job to get me through the tough times after my ex. The new guy is not trying to call me tonight (which he used to do) and is just sending me texts but no content as such in them, just light stuff. I don’t know how to cope with this.
You’re human and no matter how many times you contemplate doing something like wanting to end it all, something inside you will fight. We are survivors, our species survives. Its years of evolution. You will survive. This too shall pass. Maybe not soon but it WILL pass. keep working on it. Try any and all tips you’ve read on here and this is EXACTLY what this forum is for. It made me feel so much less alone and when i met @kkasxo I really felt like someone got exactly what I was going through.
Thank you so much for your kind words about me – I genuinely am so taken aback by you being able to make such observations in the midst of your own trauma. That’s amazing. I know what I should be doing, but I’m sure you know all too well that it’s not that easy sometimes. Our emotions, experiences, traumas, conditioning get in the way. I have to admit, one of the things that attracted me to this guy was really that he made me feel very special at the start in fairness. But I couldn’t have known it would end up like this.
Please try the meditation on your phone if you a smartphone – i find Sarah Blondin particularly comforting when I’m scared or anxious.
Please continue to post here and we will help you as much as we can. You are not alone.September 4, 2020 at 2:42 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366180
Thanks all for the advice.
@sammy – wow that was perceptive and accurate. You are so clued in and insightful! And certainly a long stretch from the bottom of a dark and deep bottle a few weeks back, I definitely think you’re making progress.
As for me, I’m struggling, for all the reasons you listed above probably. I am absolutely faking being a high value woman, no wonder they bolt when the facade falls. But my issue is that I THOUGHT I was good to myself. I thought I was good solo, I’ve been looking after myself this past year, quitting my old job, travelling, enjoying freedom to make any choice I want.
I was journaling, meditating, spending time with friends and family, going to therapy, reading insightful blogs and books, I don’t know how else I am to cultivate this sense of self worth so that I don’t keep falling back to the pattern of insecurity and anxiety.
We have been texting back and forth today but nothing remotely flirty or romantic. I called him tonight, chatting about our days but nothing too exciting, I tried some flirty banter which we used to engage in and it kinda just fell flat. He was heading for a walk & said he’d call me back when he returned but he just text one or two word texts, I asked did he wanna call back and he said he’s just gonna watch some tv and hit the hay.
For everyone reading this now- screaming at me…. oooooh defo sounds like he’s brushing you off…..I know. I can see it in some ways.
Ugh, why can’t things be straight forward. Why all of a sudden am I feeling like this, how do I rectify it. Taking a big long period of time off to ‘find myself’ just seems like what I literally have been doing. Honestly I feel like I’ve not stopped working on myself in years, so what’s gonna give?
I’m upset tonight & im sick of it. Sick of feeling this way. It hurts and I’m tired of it. Tired of feeling like a glass chandelier that anyone touches will end up breaking.September 4, 2020 at 1:24 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366117
@kkasxo, morning – I hope you’re doing okay?
Thanks for the advice earlier in the thread. My head is all over the place at the moment. What bothers me the most right now is that I feel like I have felt before, upset, anxious, worried, tummy not right etc. And I’m disappointed that after all this time and all the work I’ve done, things still haven’t changed in the way I react.
Yes I have been intimate with him but he didn’t feel distant before now. If anything I felt it brought us closer and he was very much moving into relationship territory (which I was scared about initially), but in the past week the vibe has changed. I definitely don’t think he’s a player, but I’m scared his feelings have changed.
When I was panicking, he did wake (he wasn’t really asleep) and he asked why I was scared and stuff and gave me cuddles etc, but he was also fairly confused but just tried to lull me to sleep.
In terms of being angry that I was late, I have stressed to him that I am completely open to conversations and I’m not an argumentative person, that if he ever feels that way he can always come to me and discuss it and I’ll receive it in as understanding a way as possible.
I guess it’s been trickier seeing each other now that I have moved and he has this whole thing in his head now that he doesn’t want me ending up resenting him because I feel I have to spend every weekend with him now when he knows how important friends and family are to me. He doesn’t want me to run myself ragged trying to please everyone. I explained that I WANT to spend my time with him right now (as we get to know each other) but he said he can’t help how he feels and he feels guilty and doesn’t want to be selfish and we both have to have our independent lives. I think this hit a trigger for me, because I instantly felt like ‘oh well he thinks I’m too clingy and wants to do his own thing’ (similar to my ex I guess).
We have not defined what we are. Initially he was ALL about a relationship and behaving accordingly, but I wasn’t ready as I barely knew him so I said take things slow. As I’ve gotten to know him more, I really like him and would like to be in a relationship with him, but it seems the dynamic has now changed and when I try to steer conversation or anything in that direction now, I get nowhere. I do plan to have a fun day tomorrow but I’m so wound up with anxiety right now that I feel I’ll nearly be putting on a ‘show’ to try and be the light hearted free spirited girl he first met.
That’s my difficulty I suppose, I am hard to get initially….it takes me time to warm up to people and trust. But then I do, eventually and then I’m all in. They then experience more of what I’m really like and I feel like they then go ‘oh well she’s not cool and laid back like I thought, I wanted the easy going independent girl to cave, but I don’t want this clingy over anxious person’…..and yes I’m aware of how negative that chat is towards myself, yet it’s how I feel.
In fairness, I did think I was ready for a relationship. I was quite confident going in to this when I first met him. But now that confidence is shaking and I don’t know why. I obviously don’t want to seek validation from someone else, but when I start to care about someone, the fear of losing them takes swipes at me again. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay. You want someone who is all in. If he chooses to reject you, he’s not the one for you’. I’ve been repeating this trying to change the perspective in my mind in a effort to subsequently change my feelings and reduce the anxiety.
I was doing okay yesterday after talking to my sister about it and then when I texted him to say goodnight last night, he responded without his usual kisses at the end of the text. It’s a small thing I know, but it’s what I’ve come to expect and I know it means something is ‘off’ with him. He just replied a generic smiley face. It’s unlike him. So that set me off again last night so not a great sleep to be honest.September 3, 2020 at 1:55 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366079
Sammy, I’m glad to hear that my story is providing you with a reprieve from your own – I was the same. I found helping other people in their strife, helped me get out of my own head lots.
I can only read the forum on my phone this eve & it’s hard to fit in the screen so I’ll reply to your questions in the morning.
Tonight the anxiety has eased a little cos I walked out of work at my “supposed” contract finish time & went for a walk in the park. I needed it. I need that life balance. Let’s hope I get a little bit of sleep tonight!September 3, 2020 at 8:20 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #366055
Thanks for the in depth reply. I guess I am seeking reassurance because I get so scared. We have already had sleepovers at his place (he lives alone), but it is just an issue coming for a sleepover at mine because my Dad lives there. I had a panic attack one night staying over at his place – i thought he was asleep and I just really wanted to leave, fear gripped me completely. I suppose the fear of how I felt and the fear of losing him. I subsequently found out the next morning that he didn’t sleep that night either as I was so restless and he was in super bad form and tired.
Last weekend I was due to meet him sat but ended up having to work on another project for most of sat (with a guy he kinda knows actually) and ended up arriving pretty late to his place on sat eve. I kept him in the loop all day about how the project was going and the delays etc and he was so understanding and chill about it. But during our phone call last night where I was having a freak attack and he was confused, he did admit that he was really mad, but he didn’t want to ruin the actual time we DID have together then by creating bad vibes. I felt so guilty….as my preference was certainly to spend time with him but the work project had to be completed.
Anyway, he also admitted on the phone last night that the new job in the city has thrown him and his head is spinning. Fair enough, I get it. I just loved spending time with him because he made me laugh so much and didn’t seem to be afraid to admit and seek a relationship etc and now that has changed. Am I self-sabotaging or is my instinct kicking in and something is different? At this point, I just can’t decipher. I feel like that although I’m anxious, I don’t pick up on absolutely zero and make it in to something, there is always a nugget at the core that sets me off.
I actually really like this guy and I don’t want to lose him. As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, i now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off or as me deciding I want better. It’s more a case of he has made a decision, he has utterly moved on, so so must I. That’s about it really. The new guy is a bad communicator but not deliberately, he just wouldn’t be great at it, whereas my ex determinedly avoided it. I think my ex would have had the wherewithall to talk but choose not to, whereas the new guy is actually someone who genuinely doesn’t think about some things too seriously and just wouldn’t have that level of communication ability. But I appreciate him for so many more things. But bottom line, I’m petrified of getting hurt here.
I’m so glad to hear that you are sticking to a routine and that it’s helping. It’s all about the baby steps, I did what you did in the initial raw period. I remember the 6 month mark, I remember time passing and next thing you know, it’s over a year later and it doesn’t sting as much. Keep going with how you are going.
Thanks for the input