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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #366185
    Tim
    Participant

    @Shelbyville just saw your latest entry. Honestly, I sound like a broken record on this thread, where is your self worth? If someone the day before they are meant to meet me was treating me like that, I would not put up with it. Cancel the whole thing. People treat you the way you allow them to. To me, you are chasing someone who can’t even communicate what is bothering him, so not worth it. Call it quits yourself, move onto someone who wants to invest time in you. Better still invest time in yourself!

    #366188
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Tim what happened? who died? I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you! I’ll let you off the hook for the hypocritical comment 😛 . You are such a kind person despite your own burden you came to help! Take care and don’t worry about us, grieve in peace, unless that helps you.

    @Shelbyville I really have loved Tim’s insight which made me discuss more with my bestie. Usually we avoid talking about our jobs but it’s been a good change, coaxed me to look inwards. I have always offered good advice just never followed it. Your own emotions can be so blinding in personal situations!

    Can I say I’m impressed you were so receptive that shows determination to improve. I think you need more people to cast a different light on your situations and that may help recognise and then change your behaviour.

    I read your thread and saw familiarity and also picked up on a few things. If you are open to discussing them honestly and frankly it may give you a fresh perspective.

    I’m on the journey of self love and will be happy to share tips.

    This new guy how long have you been dating exactly? If after a short space of time he is behaving like this why are you putting up with it? (I know why!) Please do not tell me it is because you have had sex. Does this not send red flags for the future? I would not invest more time in it, this person is going to exacerbate your insecurities from the lack of communication and immaturity alone.

    Obviously it’s your choice. You should do what you feel is right. Let me know how tomorrow pans out. I would advise to avoid sex as a solution tomorrow, it can blind you! A grown up conversation is much needed. Don’t be fearful to let go yourself.

    Please don’t let this new undefined relationship/fling undo the progress and work. You can choose to not let it upset you. I’ll be thinking of you x

     

    #366244
    Tim
    Participant

    Lost my best friend, my dog Rupert. A lot of people will not understand the loss but part of me has died too. He was by my side for 14 years. I feel a pain I’ve never felt. I just need to get my head around it. So don’t worry. Keep encouraging each other @Sammy and @Shelbyville. When I get brief periods of respite I’ll respond as much as I can.

    #366272
    Sammy
    Participant

    Aww @Tim I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁  you’re not alone, if you want to share any memories of your Rupert, I’m here. There’s nothing I can say right now to make you feel better. I wish I could. Dogs are so loyal and true friends. I hope the shared memories bring you comfort. Thinking of you x

    #366273
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville I hope you are ok, you sounded so upset Friday night and I know how it feels. Let me know how you are. Thinking of you too x

    #366332
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Shelbyville Thank you so much for your reply given how overwhelmed you are lately. I experience the exact same flooding then my heart feels like it’s in my throat and slowly my windpipe is squeezing until I feel I can’t breathe. Sometimes it is so suffocating I feel like this is it, I’m going to die. Strange how at that moment I want it to ease and have a will to live but when the sleep paralysis and flashbacks happen I desperately want to disappear forever. The technique of fading out or greying out the memory of the trauma is something I will try because it is still so vivid.

    Thanks to your advice I’m leaning on more people now. I know I can’t go through this alone any longer. I do want to beat this. Reading your experience with medication no longer makes it sound daunting.

    I want to say this thread created by you has kept me going. Reading you fight and persevere through years inspired me to keep that little hope.

    I haven’t ever commented on your situations because I thought who would want to hear from someone as messed up as me. I want to say I really hope you realise you don’t stay upset for long and you don’t give up.  You deserve someone who wants you and makes you feel special because the most precious gift is time. Invest that time in someone who takes time to reply even when they have so much going on, when someone checks on your wellbeing without you asking. Time and attention are gifts that are priceless. You have given so much of your time back to people like me and you are appreciated and loved for it and that’s why I don’t take it for granted. You deserve to find that person who gives you time too, the one who wants to be in your company and makes you feel special. The right people will want us and love us even if we are broken, and we will not want them we will push them away thinking how can they see something in the real us what is wrong with them. We will chase after the ones who don’t want us to validate our distorted view of us being crazy and unlovable.

    Time is so precious.

    @Tim I read your reply, touched beyond words by your kindness. At this moment I want you to grieve, my condolences and deep felt sympathy for your loss of your dog Rupert. Hope you meet again in heaven.

    @All Thank you so much for giving me your time to respond, listening without judgement and helping me without entitlement.  I will never be able to repay it in person. So the best I can do is fight if not for me but for all those who cared enough to push me to keep hope and helped at a very dark time in my life. I will be forever indebted. 

    #366368
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Tim,

    I had started a reply last night to you and got caught up in the middle of it and had to abandon the post, because I wanted to give it the proper time to write the right words to you to express how sad I am to hear of Ruperts passing. I completely and utterly sympathise and empathise. Dogs and pets, but especially dogs are incredible creatures. They give you unconditional love and a bond that asks nothing of you but to be yourself and love them back. They are a constant, a familiar stable kind warm soul, always there to be an anchor in your life. It is so sad that they live such short lives and we must say goodbye, but he was a journey mate. He was with you for a reason for so many years and once his journey and service to you was done, he moved on when the time was right. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get to grieve just as you would for any other significant loss in you life, because for me, to be honest I like dogs more than I like humans most of the time. Rest well Rupert.

    Sammy, I have been a ball of anxiety. Hello my life circa…. 2018……!!! Basically I know what you have all said, I know what my advice would be to a friend or one of you, should you find yourselves in the same situation and yet I can’t do it. He told me o Saturday that he has a life plan and that me moving away kind of put a major obstacle in the way. He says he likes me as much as always and that if that were the problem he would just say ‘thanks but I don’t think it’s working between us, goodbye’, but he says it’s hard because he does like me. He said he doesn’t know where his head is at, he didn’t meet me Sat to end it, but neither can he commit and he knows that’s not what I wanted to hear, but he can’t change the way he feels or the lack of answers he has right now. Basically he also said he hadn’t planned on having a big depressing upsetting convo on Sat and just wanted to hang out of do things so I said okay and we spent the day walking around, eating, he did a little shopping etc. We were holding hands and it felt nice. However I felt compelled to bring it up again when we returned to the car and he seemed to be getting anguished having such a conversation again. It was a very brick wall convo and I didn’t see the point in trying to continue it so he said he’d drop me home. When we arrived at my house I asked did he want me to call over to his place (seeing as how I established that he didn’t intend to stay in mine) but he said maybe we should leave it SAt night until things settled a bit.

    He again said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me and I explained that communication is sometimes a bit scant and that things had changed and he didn’t fill me in and I was therefore confused and he asked ‘am i not allowed to change my mind….surely everyone should be allowed?” Anyway, I agreed to see him on the sunday afternoon and we said we’d cook dinner together in his place. So we met up, did some shopping for dinner supplies and he was in good form and affectionate etc and we made dinner and hung out. As we sat watching tv that evening I just couldn’t settle. I didn’t say anything but I was constantly anxious. If he was not cuddling me for maybe 5-10 mins I became worried etc. As the night went on, I just felt that 1% was not right and yes while I’m self aware and know that I can snowball, I still knew it wasnt the same as it had been previously.

    He was working the next morning and I was off work, so he told me to take the spare key and lie on on bed for a while. I stayed maybe 30 mins more in bed and then let myself out and put the key back in the post box. Anyway since then I’ve remained anxious. He has been texting etc but it’s just not like before. I had become accustomed to his outward expressions of affection, flirtiness etc and now, while that hasn’t disappeared totally, it’s definitely not the same. I realise I cringed a bit at first with the outpouring of his feelings for me, but it wore on me and I eventually became quite happy to get that kind of communication. Now I miss it.

    He said he’d see me this coming weekend. However this evening he has texted me to ask is it ok if he has a sleepover/drinks party (I’d imagine) with his two best buddies on Sat night. So I don’t know what that means. Again….it’s okay….I feel you all screaming at the computer!!! Haha! I don’t know, I want him and I don’t know why. As in, I know what I like about him, but this is not great behaviour from him, though not intentional. But the gap is always there that we’re not in a relationship…so does that mean I’m an option and if something better comes along, he’ll be done with me. My friend says I’m catastrophising, but here I am, nonetheless. I don’t have the strength to walk away, I’m in a strange city in a job I hate with no support network and suffer so bad with anxiety. At least in the past I had all my support network and familiar job to get me through the tough times after my ex.  The new guy is not trying to call me tonight (which he used to do) and is just sending me texts but no content as such in them, just light stuff. I don’t know how to cope with this.

    Lucie,

    You’re human and no matter how many times you contemplate doing something like wanting to end it all, something inside you will fight. We are survivors, our species survives. Its years of evolution. You will survive. This too shall pass. Maybe not soon but it WILL pass. keep working on it. Try any and all tips you’ve read on here and this is EXACTLY what this forum is for. It made me feel so much less alone and when i met @kkasxo I really felt like someone got exactly what I was going through.

    Thank you so much for your kind words about me – I genuinely am so taken aback by you being able to make such observations in the midst of your own trauma. That’s amazing. I know what I should be doing, but I’m sure you know all too well that it’s not that easy sometimes. Our emotions, experiences, traumas, conditioning get in the way. I have to admit, one of the things that attracted me to this guy was really that he made me feel very special at the start in fairness. But I couldn’t have known it would end up like this.

    Please try the meditation on your phone if you a smartphone – i find Sarah Blondin particularly comforting when I’m scared or anxious.

    Please continue to post here and we will help you as much as we can. You are not alone.

    #366372
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lucie doll, I am happy to read you are seeking help outside the realm of this forum. I believe it will change your life. You are so brave, every one has a voice which deserves to be heard. There is more to you then your trauma. You expressed your thoughts to @Shelbyville wonderfully and deeply moved by the concept of time and attention. Something Rupert gave abundantly and unconditionally, we deserve that from humans too. When Shelby reads it I’m sure she will be touched.

    @Shelbyville I hope the recent absence means you have managed to survive and are now keeping your head above the water and things have improved with work and your current relationship situation. Do let us know even if briefly how you are doing, reading your last paragraph was tough. I hope things are brighter for you.

     

    @Sammy I am moved by the kindness shown in offering condolences by all. Thank you for your sympathy and support during this difficult time when I know life is not very rosy for yourself either currently. Your recent posts have shown so much progress, how astute and perceptive you are. Apply all this knowledge and stay away from the bottle. You’ll rise again and find better. Keep an eye on the others on this thread, it will keep you focused and offer overall growth as a human being.

    I am devastated by my loss. Rupert played a significant role during my darkness and for him to no longer be in my life is a void I’m currently finding unbearable. I’m not ready to discuss his memories, they are too painful and only highlight the loss more. I will try my best to reply or help when I can but I apologise in advance if you run into trouble or a dip and I’m not available immediately.

     

    keep going, keep growing, keep the spirit of this thread alive all.

     

    Tim.

     

     

     

    #366374
    Tim
    Participant

    @Shelbyville I saw your post after posting mine. I am deeply touched by your message, I couldn’t have described the importance of Rupert’s role in my life any better. The unconditional love and warmth pets bring is indescribable. Thank you so much for your support and love. I am humbled by this community.

    I feel compelled to reply to what you have addressed to Sammy but I don’t have the capacity to articulate it. I’ll leave you with two quotes and I’m sure Sammy and the others will offer a more in-depth analysis.

    If you have good self-worth no matter how much you like someone, when someone treats you like an option, you will help narrow down their life choices by removing yourself from the equation. It’s that simple. Walking away from someone who refuses to define or commit to a relationship will always be the right decision.

    “NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY, WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION.”

    Good luck doll

    Tim

    #366387
    Sammy
    Participant

    Aww, @Shelbyville I was so upset for you after your last message so it is great to hear back from you.  Lucie is right, you are so special and give so much time and attention you very much deserve that.  I can’t say if you are catastrophizing because your friends may know the situation better than me. However, my point of view is based on what you have conveyed above.

    I still believe until you have addressed some of the neediness and self-worth going into a new relationship is probably unwise and may even cause more damage to you. I mean another toxic cycle will reinforce MARTHA – the negative inner critic.

    What worries me is although he is still there and didn’t end it, your intuitiveness and gut was right, so Tim’s POV had substance in this scenario may be the neediness and insecurities is not self-sabotage but someone making you genuinely feel that way because they are not willing to meet your needs/ the right person for you.

    You had picked up that the dynamic had changed and yet you are choosing to ignore it further. It flagged up his lack of action towards a more meaningful relationship. It is strange considering how he was all about being in a serious relationship and now the opportunity has presented itself he is refusing to commit. I don’t understand why your moving cities is such a big deal how does it affect his life plans?

    RIGHT NOW he is clearly saying YOU are not someone who has made him want to commit. People who initially conveyed they wanted a relationship but then refuse to commit are those who are unavailable i.e not moved on from ex or treating you as a backup plan so if the ex doesn’t return/they don’t get better you will be strung along with breadcrumbs to keep you hooked for as long as they need. Or they are not into you and just enjoy the fun, attention, an ego boost.

    You are not BF&GF so effectively you are FWBs – this person is enjoying all the perks of a relationship, the warm body on his own terms, and not wanting to commit as he gets it all without the commitment. I personally do not do casual for this reason, I can not sleep with someone without them making me exclusive. Each to their own though.

    You said he initially made you feel special, people who are after fun and attention are notorious for love bombing in the initial period. What worries me now is now that you have been intimate he is consistently not making you feel special. Considering how early it is I would be concerned. Someone who really thinks you are special will continue to show that in their action; make time, give you attention, do special things for you, etc.

    I find it alarming that you want to discuss your feelings or voice your concerns are met by disdain and he is actually saying I can change my mind and want fun! Now is this because he was after a casual affair all along and lied to you or is it because he feels you are being needy so creating the distance? Would you say you were pushy with him or did you feel unheard? Only you can honestly judge that. Either way, all these signs are screaming you two are already somewhat incompatible.

    • Your communication styles differ i.e. stonewalling
    • He doesn’t have the apt/sensitivity to deal with your concerns in an understanding way – you may wish to ignore this now but your needs will seep out at some point but I think they are already
    • He is not giving you time and attention that you clearly need and desire
    • When you have to ask for a call – that is worrying. You shouldn’t feel you can not call someone you want a committed relationship with. I do not feel you are the kind of person who would hound someone when they are busy, you just want to feel wanted. He clearly isn’t making you feel that.

    To make it balanced I feel you also may have made an ideal in your head instead of seeing him objectively for what he is. After that initial courting phase for some relationships that electric chemistry quickly fizzles out or flirting dies down that is normal. Real strong chemistry lasts for longer, and in committed relationships eventually, you will find that you both need to work to keep that fire alive. He already knows he has you and what he is showing you now is his real self. Do you like this real self or do you like the initial phase?

    It can be very common to feel an attachment to someone after sex since the brain releases all these hormones. The release of these hormones after being physically intimate may cause a feeling of attachment and closeness but you need to look at what your wants and needs are, do they actually align? It doesn’t appear to me they do purely based on what you have told us so far. If you had self-worth you would walk away because you would know you deserve more then crumbs of attention. You deserve all or nothing.

    Hanging out with friends and prioritising them from time to time is healthy, everyone needs an independent life but I think anyone would be super annoyed if plans were made with someone in advance, and then they were brushed off for friends. Not even an emergency, a clear choice to be with someone other than you. That is a major character flaw and super disrespectful and immature behaviour. It is not someone who is working towards a serious relationship or demonstrating any loyalty to original plans. You clearly are not a priority. If you are happy to be casual then you have to accept it. How did you respond?

    “I want him and I don’t know why?” That says a lot, Shelby. You are in love with the idea of him or being in a relationship. You said you feel alone in a new city, so you must be lonely, looking to fill a void. You’d rather have anyone around instead of dealing with your feelings of loneliness and low self-worth, you are willing to overlook certain behavior too. I think you catch feelings for a certain type more because you assign or put more value on them because they are unattainable. Somehow if they choose you it validates you. I think I’m the same, someone who has shown me consistent attention I always rejected. I made the wrong choices and here I am done with the pain. I want the real thing. This means I am going to confront all my issues so when I am out there, I will have the self-worth and power to walk away when my needs are not met. I will no longer rely on anyone else to make me feel whole. I will be self-sufficient.
    Read this:
    http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us

    I think it was another poster but they said sometimes we are sent lessons again and again until we learn.

    You are so intelligent Shelby, do not hurt yourself again and again. This strikes me as a very selfish person, who knows you need more but is gaining something whilst not committing. I think if you plucked up the self-worth and courage to walk away I’d be wary he doesn’t draw you in with crumbs again. Never settle unless he shows intent to commit and change some of his behaviour to compromise x

    #366422
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo, if you pick up your messages, I’d love to hear from you.

    Hi all, I’m struggling now. Not much sleep. All of the advice is what I already know. However my logic brain is not what’s running the programme at the moment. I’m in an anxiety spiral of hurt and upset and can’t see the wood for the trees.

    All I feel I want now is him. Which is infantile in some ways. I don’t understand what’s happening. I would normally go to therapy but have some light shed on it, but my therapist is on leave this week.

    We sort of argued on the phone last night when I suggested driving to his place after work this evening to spend a few hours with him. He said he wouldn’t feel good about that as it’s a three hour drive and he doesn’t want me running myself in to the ground. Again, makes sense, but all I heard was….I don’t want to see you. And then he started to sigh and say “i know what you’re thinking now…..that I don’t want to see you….but that’s not the case.”
    I texted him after phone call and said that I’m a pretty genuine and open person and I don’t know why he keeps describing me as moody (even when I’m in great form?!) and that I was just trying to make an effort.
    he replied and said it’s not his job to look out for me and that he wouldn’t feel good about me making such a long journey and good night. No sweetness etc

    I replied again saying that I hoped he realised the gesture at least and he said he did and appreciated it and that he hoped I realised that he does actually want me there. I explained that women need to hear these things sometimes and that then they can make sensible choices – like not doing a long drive. He hasn’t replied since then but it was late.

    I don’t expect to hear from him a lot today or in the coming days. I feel as though he’s rubbing his forehead thinking this is all getting too heavy and hard work and will kind of ease off the communication over the next while and just look forward to his boys weekend.

    anyway, I know all the good advice, I just need to know how to cope right now. For each moment, to get me through. I’m not near strong enough or self confident enough to take the bigger steps etc. I’m just in a ball at the moment & feel lost and scared. (Anyone reading this thread will recognise these sentences from my first couple of posts ever!) but here I am again- it is what it is.

    #366423
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville If I could I’d give you a big fat hug right now. Sending you a virtual one instead.  You’re strong, you have done and been through this before and can again. Inhale and exhale. Your therapist is not here, so let’s shed light on how and why you feel like this.

    You are NOT MOODY ok and I’ll shout it louder for the people in the back!!! You suffer from anxiety a part of you which when it rears its head can make you feel scared etc. I don’t think the new guy is bad but I think he lacks sensitivity, communication, and tact. Again something you need to a degree, making you incompatible.

    For you to feel secure you need reassurance, this guy is triggering something in you that makes you want him even though you may be aware he isn’t currently right for you, and for it to stop you need him to behave a certain way.

    1. Can I ask did your prev guy friend make you feel this way? If no, why? That difference may be the key.
    2. Does this new guy actually know you suffer from anxiety? If no, maybe explaining how it makes you feel and the thoughts it causes can inspire a change in his behaviour? Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, parts of you – these parts will always be ok with the person who loves you.
    3. Do you think your desperate need to be with him is because you are actually lonely? Would you say you jump from one relationship to the next and have had backup plans in case your relationships don’t work out? This isn’t just related to a romantic relationship, it is also true for your friendships. You are literally never alone. Because over quarantine appears you were with your guy friend, then you realised your ex had definitely moved on, then you started casual dating and now in a cycle with this new guy. You may be rebounding or just filling voids and the fear of losing him is more to do with you being alone. It somehow reinforcing the idea that you are unlovable so you cling??

    You are not giving yourself the love you need right now, you were heartbroken x3 you are here today – SURVIVOR
    You are someone who has a huge amount of good traits for relationships; loyal and gives time and honesty to others – AMAZING

    Let’s be kind to ourselves yes? Say word affirmations to boost your self-esteem. What you focus on is what becomes important, so this week shift the focus. Set a limit, I can only focus on thinking about him when he texts +10 mins after, any other time of the day I will set my own goals for the week. Change the focus to work. Focus on day by day, forget how he will respond throughout the week. So today what will you do to pick yourself up; is it a pamper, watch tv, go for a walk. What are your hobbies?

    Be alone and enjoy it.

    Sending hugs and virtual love x

     

    #366438
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Tim I didn’t have enough time on my break to write a reply to do you justice also. I thought I’d address @Shelbyville first( I hope the day has got lighter Shelby, I’m very worried for you. Seeing you in pain and unable to help much is hard. I hope @Kkasxo see’s as she is probably better than me) as she is in a spiral.

    Tim, Ruperts love for you was pure, very few humans can offer that as lovers, very few experience it in any form some angels choose fur instead of wings. So hold onto those memories he will never be replaced but live on in spirit. I know no one can truly understand why dogs are called “man’s best friend” until they have experienced the loss of one. I’m here ro listen or help in anyway I can. You have always been so giving to me and I’d hope to repay you some day.

    I will try my best by Shelby and Lucie or anyone else who needs help. I have been inspired by you and I hope that was not a goodbye or our last correspondence. This past week or two I feel the tide turning and I’m growing. I’ll have a sober wake in honour of Rupert. OJs and no bottle. Take care Tim, thinking of you and strongly believe you have the grit to get through this testing time. Sending you a virtual hug too. Thank you for everything so far. I’ll miss you x

     

    #366464
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    my previous guy friend (who is still my friend), didn’t make me feel bad when we’re dated. Since then, as a friend he has let me down a couple of times, he has many great qualities, but also sometimes things that don’t sit well with me. But right now he’s being a good friend.

    new guy doesn’t know about anxiety as we haven’t been dating a very long time and I didn’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable at this stage. I certainly don’t feel like opening up to someone currently who is gone quite cold. He would have some knowledge of mental health issues as he lost his younger brother sadly last year.

    yes I hate to be alone. It frightens me. However, I did go off travelling by myself which I thought helped my growth in this sense. But yet here I am, I reach out a lot. Be it my therapist, tiny Buddha, my sister, various friends. I pull pull pull info & opinion from lots of people about one thing, in an effort to rationalise it I suppose.

    I have to say I can hardly believe I’m corresponding with the same Sammy. Your perception has massively changed – well done, you are really doing well

     

    #366472
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    I have been doing a lot of reframing. Now it’s all about looking inward. I accepted no matter how much I loved him he wasn’t for me.
    He would never be able to meet my needs. I still think about him every day but my focus is now on me. I was on the brink of becoming a fully fledged alcoholic because I was focusing on how much I did for him and he didn’t return it. How him not committing meant I was unworthy. I spiralled into self pity. Since I’ve been reducing my consumption and really keeping up the runs for the first time in 6 months I have started to see that fog lift and see more clearly.  It has been a good few weeks of reflection and I’m hoping I don’t dip again.The Sammy before him was confident, wild often did a lot of heartbreaking. I often think was this relationship my karma for huŕting some good guys? I will be changing my pattern when I go back and not looking for the thrills but as Lucie described the priceless gift of time and attention. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone the way I got hurt by the ex. I’m willing to do the work and be patient.

    I want to go back to old Sammy but with tweaks. Sammy.2 I know I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I lost me, not him. I gave too much to someone who wasn’t right and he took granted. I made blunders became needy and did more. I let my self esteem erode so much I didn’t ever contemplate leaving myself.

    I would have carried on bending over backwards so he did me a favour. I can one day be with someome who knows how to treat a good woman. I am keen to learn and grow. I could blame him but I was tired of feeling shit and I am the one with the control to change everything for myself.

    I have an alcohol buddy in place. My best friend has from the very beginning been firm but fair and I need that.

    Tim and yourself have helped tremendously which is why I want to help you back too (don’t know if it is) to be honest it’s selfish too helping others is giving me a boost in good hormone and a break from my own worries.

    I have never had anxiety other than what I experienced in the initial separation. That was horrific so I really sympathise with you feeling it so daily. You are so strong though to survive each day. So keep pushing through.

    I remember you describing your friend as a gem. So I wondered if he made you anxious, doesn’t appear like you did find that with you when dating so that should give you hope that people can be understanding of your anxiety and meet your needs. It’s also interesting you chose not to go further. So does that give evidence to you chase people who are unattainable for validation of some sort?

    I know you felt he was unreliable and flaky did your anxiety heighten then? And did he feel emotionally exhausted by you too, have you ever asked for his insight on if he felt you exhibited neediness or patterns discussed previously? I’m glad to hear he is being a good friend now. M/F friendship can be a god send for relationship advice. Is he helping?

    The new guy has he made contact today? If so are you reading it as cold because you are upset? To give him the benefit of doubt, if he has had previous experience of grief and mental health issues with his brother maybe he is also scared as he feels solely responsible for your happiness. I would say if he starts to show interest you may want to discuss your anxiety it might change the outcome. Right now his behaviour is not very mature or showing his long term relationship potential in a good light.

    Do you have deeper feelings for new guy then your ex? If no, why are you scared of walking away if you feel so anxious? Is this worth the mental torture? You’ve survived worse. Maybe this is a test to see if you’ll stand up for yourself for once, stand up for your needs and wants. Show you have learned from the lessons with your ex!

    Why are you scared to be alone? Do you ever feel if you forced yourself to be alone, it would then leave you no choice but to become stronger and increase your self sufficiency and then you wouldn’t have so many voices. Just your own and with time you’ll find yourself and make better decisions for yourself. You wouldn’t tolerate the above type of relationship because you’d know being alone is good it can be fun. A lot of self confident women seek relationships but if they feel their needs are not met they are happy to leave being alone makes them just as happy as a good relationship does. A relationship should add not subtract. Shouldn’t we work towards that then we will always be happy with the outcome.

    That’s how I’m thinking for myself nowadays. I hope you have an easier night sleep and the anxiety begins to settle. Repeat I AM AMAZING WOMAN and I CAN  KICK ASS and stand up for my needs! Be kind to yourself first Shelby. If we cant love ourselves no one else will! x

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