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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #366497
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    That’s incredible, your outlook has changed so much in such a short time, I’m really happy to hear you are doing much better than you were. Exercise and focus and reframing your thoughts are excellent tools, so well done and I hope you’re giving yourself credit for the growth and work you’ve already done.

    I didn’t go further with my friend because to be honest, the attraction wasn’t really there for me to the extent I needed it to be. I didn’t pursue it further because my gut was telling me, he’s not for me. I just wasn’t feeling it, but he’s a good person and I hope he will be happy in a relationship with someone wonderful some day.

    I don’t have deeper feelings for the new guy than my ex because I know him a much much shorter duration. Yet, I can’t seem to walk away. Kkasxo would have spoken previously about the curse of imagined potential….and I suppose I had let my heart and imagination run away with the potential of it working out and now I want that. Even though right now it doesn’t appear to be on offer. I wish I could stand up for myself and show myself how much I’ve grown, but evidently I haven’t because I still want someone who is only lukewarm now towards me. I think the most difficult aspect for me was the gushing adoration at the start and the fun and kindness and consideration he gave me, had he always been lukewarm and a bit ‘meh’ I would have walked away, but he was very much all about a serious relationship at the start and expressing in many ways how much he liked me. Perhaps I was fooled and I read too much in to that.

    I have been alone – as in single-  for a large part of my life apart from my relationship with my ex. However I have a strong circle of family and friends. When I went travelling to Oz & NZ, I did so alone, so I guess I tested some of my capability then.

    I definitely know in the height of my anxiety I was afraid to be alone as I felt I was spiralling out of control and wouldn’t be able to cope and would do something stupid.

    The new guy texted some today, but nothing flirty or anything, just about his work and his day. I honestly have no idea what is going on. If he wanted out, you’d think he’d ghost or just call it….so I don’t have a clue what he is thinking tbh.

    #366505
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville
    It’s all in harnessing your emotions and having more control of your mind. Not easy but I’m trying, I’m the only one with control to change the way I think. For example, before I was feeling what’s the point in living, no one will love me, so I took to the bottle to numb that pain. Now I’m thinking I’m gifted with life, it is up to me to love myself, I need to be brave and face my emotions, the fog is lifting the more I rebel against my critical negative voice, thinking more clearly and improving. Fingers crossed.

    Completely understand not feeling as much which is why I asked, my relationship history is if I’m at a party my chemical reaction will always instinctively attract me to unavailable “bad boys”, the one’s who I feel an intense attraction to physically. I’ve done that too many times, all ended badly. The primal sexual attraction you sometimes feel for certain people can be misleading. Did you not feel enough sexual attraction with your friend?  It may help you piece together the way you react and break patterns that are leading to trouble and choosing people who short term are great but long term suck.

    Actually, how have you stayed friends after dating? Have you seen When Harry met Sally? Be careful, men are not like women. Us women only stay friends to keep you as a fallback or because we care enough but men are always looking for the opportunity to swoop in he may really want you, either for a sexual encounter or you are his fallback too, be wary that’s why he is being a better friend now. What has he said about your new situation?

    So you mentioned your gut for not pursuing your friend. What is your gut saying about the new guy? You mentioned imagined potential which is why Tim and I said earlier be wary of the initial phase where infatuation causes you to create ideals in your head and when the fireworks and chemicals settle down the real version comes to the fore. I really think there is a reason you go for people who are lukewarm towards you over people who are fully available. Look into it with your therapist.

    So you said you are unsure why he has changed, It could be one of two things;

    1) Game player – men and women both do this to control, manipulate, or gain power. People can lie a lot in the initial chase to get what they want especially if they are players and not being authentic. Also, it may be with the aim to get you into bed. An authentic person will pretty much remain consistent. You see this hot/cold act by him could be game playing.
    2) He had a genuine interest in the courting phase based on sexual attraction but over time it has dwindled or he is now bored and just not that into you. The more he learns the less into you he is. It happens. Just not for you.

    You’ve only ever had one relationship – your ex? Since then you haven’t been alone, have you? Wow! Let me know if you want to hear my expansion on that.

    If you really can’t walk away even though you are smart enough to know you really do deserve someone who wants to give you attention and time. This person is controlling the pace and making it clear it is CASUAL. If you want the imagined potential, LTR you are setting yourself up for major heartbreak the longer you stay. The chances of this becoming more are slim. This person who seemingly declared LTR intentions has done a U-turn, he will keep you around for as long as he needs, giving you just enough but not all. If he really was wowed he would be moving towards spending more time, more effort, etc. So he might be bored, might be using you as a backup option, might be a selfish and weak person and scared to break up knowing you have shown intent and doesn’t want to end things, wants you to do that so he can save face and not be the bad guy. Try sending a flirty text to see if he bites if not then he really has lost all interest and is keeping you around for something else.

    Or the mature thing would be to communicate and just ask directly, say look I’m looking for a long term relationship with someone, I thought we had potential, we have spent enough time in each other’s company to decide whether we should give it a real go. Where is your head at? along those lines, if he insists on keeping it casual then there’s your answer.

    #366556
    Lucie
    Participant

    @Shelbyville
    Even though I’m running on empty in every aspect monetary, mind, body soul, I’m fighting. I’m trying. Thank you so much for sending positive energy to help in my battle.

    I appreciate the responses from you. I do have a cellphone and have downloaded the insight timer app with Sarah Blondin. Thank you so much for the recommendation and I hope it eases the anxiety and panic attacks. The greying out of the trauma has started to help reduce the intensity a little. Thank you.

    I’m planning on getting either Prozac or Zoloft but at the moment living paycheck to paycheck. I have some life decisions to make and it may be good for me. I left home at a young age but my mom reached out to me recently. Lots of bridges to build, so I’m not sure and confused if it may make my condition worse?

    Thank you for allowing me to post on your thread and making my voice feel heard. When you’ve gone from once being a college graduate, good job to allowing someone to have the power to make you feel belittled and dumb, you too start to believe your own worthlessness.

    I feel so broken I don’t ever see myself getting out of this because of the after-effects the trauma has left, but I hold onto that little hope that maybe one day the clouds will break and let some light shine through. In my brief moments of reprieve, I dream of what it could be like if I could just get over this hurdle. And I tell you when you’ve had your fair share of broken hearts and traumatic messy relationships, you know that there are many more important things to consider than getting those butterflies in your stomach when meeting someone new.

    I do agree with the opinion of others, I want to say there’s a point in your life when you will realize chemistry becomes a bonus rather than a necessity. Even I understand if I ever want to have a fulfilling relationship it requires letting go of the Hollywood ideals shoved down our throats which make you believe the idealized version experienced in the “honeymoon phase.” where it’s fun and romantic will last forever, but it always ends. It’s fickle as Hollywood itself.

    Looking for someone who will make you feel like they are home when you are happy or lost, is the most important thing. Home should be a place where you are surrounded by love and feel safe always. Look for a person that wants to build you up and support you, full of admiration for you even if you are broken, if someone makes you feel like that but there’s no physical chemistry initially with time in his/her company everything will grow. If I ever find the light at the end of this tunnel and seek a relationship that’s what I will look for and if I find it, I’ll be wise enough to never let it go. Lessons I’ve learned the hard way.

    The bitter truth is if you’ve had bad relationships like me, then it’s very very likely because of something YOU do. Accepting this will give you enormous power to do something about it if you are ready and seeking a relationship because it’s actually within your control to change.

    Sometimes we feel so lonely and want something to work so badly that we disregard the red flags and signs, we make bad choices. We are too nice or see good in people who are actually bad for us. We are selfish and immature. Growth and maturity are learning how to walk away from situations or people that threaten your peace of mind, values, and morals. This shows self-worth. It’s not easy but doing it shows strength and courage. Just my two cents. Makes me feel a little liberated to see there is more to me then I am currently.

    Thank you again.

    @Tim I extend my gratitude to you too, I hope your grief eases and you are surrounded by love. Rupert and you are in my thoughts.

    @Sammy We haven’t spoken but you helped to get a response for me, I hope your journey continues to be smooth sailing from here on in. You have improved a tremendous amount. Thank you for your love.

    #366683
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville How are you doing? Did you have a good weekend and has your anxiety lessened and things improved?

    @Lucie I don’t know why but I assumed you were much younger, thank you for the lovely thoughts. You are more than your past. Although I can not relate entirely I am happy to talk or listen. You have a wise head as Tim would say keep pushing through. There is hope.

    @Tim Hope you are coping ok, miss corresponding 🙁

    #366684
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Lucie, you are ALWAYS more than what your trauma would have you believe. It’s hard to acknowledge that in the midst of PTSD or anxiety, but try to keep it close to your heart somewhere. In my previous job, I printed out the saying ‘This Too Shall Pass’ and placed it at the bottom of my computer and any time I read it, I reinforced the idea that no matter how bad I felt, it would eventually ease. You are surviving and that in itself is an achievement, so you are achieving. Be proud of yourself for that. Keep up with whatever tips work for you. Writing everything down without thinking too much about exactly what you want to write is also useful. do it continuously and see after a week or two what comes up for you.

    Thank you so much for your kind advice. It makes so much sense and I definitely wish I had more self worth, it just doesn’t seem to be there. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not for the want of trying. I have worked hard over the past number of years on my self awareness and anxiety. But I guess the root problem remains.

    Sammy,

    It’s so reassuring to hear your attitude is now so far from how you felt when you first started posting here. How far you have come! Well done on growing so much these past few weeks and months.

    I’m okay. Anxiety is pretty bad again today – it goes straight to my stomach, so there is no way of ignoring it. It churns and churns, I didn’t sleep well last night. I went straight from my job to the new guy’s place (a long drive!) last Friday evening. I was expecting the worst after the horrendous week I had put in. When I got there, it was lovely. Genuinely lovely. He was in good form, very much like he was at the start and the way I had become accustomed to. He was happy to see me, kind, caring, funny, affectionate. So I went with it and enjoyed our time. I was preparing to leave early on Saturday as I had an appointment to go to as I felt he would be caught up with the guys. But as it turned out, he said he had wanted to spend most of Sat with me as he wasn’t meeting up with the guys until later on Sat. I said it was miscommunication but felt better that he did in fact want to spend time with me. He was talking about coming and staying with me in the city on weekends when I move into a more permanent place etc and it was all nice.

    I went home on Sat and he was messaging me for most of the day and texted to say he missed me (though I suspect he had a beer or two at that stage) but it was still nice to hear.

    Anyway, I drove down to his place again on Sun afternoon to stay over and drive back to the city first thing this morning. However yesterday when I arrived, he was a little different to how he had been on Friday. It was all such small things, you wouldn’t even notice them probably if you weren’t me, but I felt he wasn’t as caring or as interested on the Sunday. Now I realise he was a little hungover, but he was still in pretty decent shape. I left super early this morning, practically the middle of the night, after twisting and turning most of the night. I just started to get super anxious again. I don’t know why. I felt he was frustrated with me, I could be completely projecting here. That’s the thing. I can’t feel my gut instinct at the moment because anxiety makes me not understand my feelings and which ones are real and which are just constructs of the anxiety.

    So my tummy is still upside down today after being totally fine at the weekend and I’m super exhausted.

     

    #366708
    Sammy
    Participant

    Thank you @Shelbyville, I needed to hear some positive boost today. I am feeling run down and haven’t been able to do my now regular runs so my routine feels amiss and obviously that throws me when I do not have a rigid structure. I think because I feel poorly I miss him today, having someone there to make me feel better or that attention. I don’t want to be with him anymore so that is something. I am proud of myself for powering through but today I just feel bleurgh all around.

    I’m really glad to hear you had what sounds like a fantastic weekend. Wow, that’s a turn of events! Definitely sounds like a massive miscommunication or you have allowed your fear to skew your interpretation of your situations. He seems to be spending a lot of his prime time – weekends, with you. To be fair to him he has been upfront and stated it is currently casual and it is up to you to accept that and let go of any other expectations, relax and enjoy the ride whatever it may be and it may just blossom.

    Maybe this weekend allow him to come to you, allow him to put in the leg work, and plan something. You deserve to be made to feel special especially when in the early phases of dating.

    The anxiety is obviously arising because in your gut you know he is filling a need but not the right fit for you or you want to be exclusive which will give you reassurance and not having had confirmation means that when you are not in his physical company you get anxious and think of all the negative possibilities. If you had self-worth then all this would disappear you wouldn’t use people for voids and you would also not be worried about the outcome because you would know if he doesn’t accept you for who you are you deserve better.

    Now your weekends are becoming more regular did you discuss where it is heading or did you not feel the need to? Can you accept being casual and him enjoying intimacy with you with the possibility it may end? Or do you feel the more intimate you are the more attached you will become? Weigh it up based on your past relationships, you will know what makes you become attached. It appears physical intimacy does so tread carefully. Because if the scenario is this person views you as Miss Right Now and is enjoying all it encompasses rather than seeing you as Mrs. Right will all this investment damage you when there may have been red flags.

    All you can really do if you want to take the risk is not self-sabotage or that will just heighten everything, try and remember we all have fluctuating emotions, individual stressors, some more than others. You know how just being a woman is an emotional rollercoaster. The time of the month alone can make us crazy a week before and during! So cut him some slack when he appears “cold”, men may have their own time of their month too.  No one is going to be 100% lovey-dovey 24/7. Manage your expectations or communicate what you need if you want a serious relationship. See how he acts if his actions are showing he cares and wants to put forth the effort that is a positive baby step forward.

    We can only comment based on how much information we have from your posts, so try and assess your situation objectively don’t be naive either by dismissing your own needs in hope of appeasing or convincing him to commit. It never ends well. Further down the line, it will all seep out. If you feel incompatibility deep down in having your needs met then pay attention to that. Don’t cling to anyone. Remember we are sent lessons until we learn.

    I can’t imagine what it must be like having anxiety and not being able to distinguish what is your gut and what is fear/self-sabotage. I’m not surprised you are exhausted. What did your gut feel with the ex? Did it turn out right? Is your gut sound? Or do you need to learn to use a different approach a combination of gut, heart, and mind?

    I do think based on what has happened compared to what you were thinking all week you may have become accustomed to allowing Martha to dictate the show post ex.

    As I grow and learn I realise a lot of my anger I have directed at other men instead of the ex. I noticed a lot of questions I ask about your guy friend you dismiss, I ask because after reading your posts I realised you met in Aug last year and during the lockdown, you thought you had feelings. That says a lot about him for you to keep him around. So I want to apologise, I’m sorry for insinuating your guy friend is only friends with you because he wants to bed you. I shouldn’t slander someone’s character when I know so little and should remain fair. One thing for certain is you have consistently said he is good and described him in that light and how he supported you. If anything the situation could be entirely different in his view as you did meet him last summer whilst still in love with your ex and mentioned you were sneaky with him so given some of your behavior recently to do with self-worth and attachment you may have used him and he felt that?  So two sides to the story. So from now on, I will try to give both sides equal expression rather than assume every guy is a turd. This will be more helpful for your own character growth too.

    I do feel I need the same too. If I make a mistake about the new guy please correct me or if I’m coming across as anti-men. I want to build my character in more ways than one.

    #366756
    Sammy
    Participant

    Really struggling today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me 🙁 @Tim or @Shelbyville are you able to correspond?

    #366777
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy

     

    are you okay? It’s 100% normal to feel like this too. You’ve been doing so well, really helping yourself and really making progress. Just ‘cos you feel down today, does not in any way negate the progress you have made.
    You’re run down & not able to rely on your routine at the moment, so that exposes vulnerabilities & we ALL like to be taken care of from time to time. It makes us human. Not to sound like a broken record but on my bad days I stuck by the mantra, this too shall pass. And it does. You know it CAN, because you have felt better in recent weeks than you do today so it IS possible. But like life, sometimes it’s ebb and flow and right now, there is somewhat of an ebb that needs to be released from you too. So don’t worry – you will be in a better place again, but it’s okay to not be okay right now

    #366780
    Sammy
    Participant

    Hi @Shelbyville,

    Thank you for replying. I’m a mess today. Crying over stupid things because I’m run down and definitely hormonal! The new exercises and running delayed my cycle, and I stupidly found myself worrying could I be pregnant? Absolutely impossible! Then I worked myself into a frenzy; I’m never going to have children! Missing him, wondering what our kids would have looked like even thinking if they would have had his blue eyes or my green, etc etc etc! How has this even happened? 🙁 Why can’t it be once you are over something you are over it! Linear!

    I’m also aware because I’m ill, I have more time to think and this whole new Lockdown rules have been getting to me. People who would make me feel better can’t even come over. Although I’m ok with being alone, it is so lonely and depressing when ill. I just want some warmth from my rocks.

    What worries me is without distraction from work, running, socialising, helping over this forum does that mean my thoughts haven’t been dealt with?

    Anyway, hows your anxiety? Are things continuing to blossom, is he engaging better now? I hope you are well. Some respite from my shit thoughts today would be nice!

    #366802
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    ok basically while you have been doing immense work this past while, it’s still early relatively speaking and the routine you had developed was certainly helping you survive. I don’t think it might be at the stage where you’re magically ‘over’ him as such.

    You will deal with all emotions when the time comes, but up to now, your mind and body found a healthy way of coping and that’s perfectly normal.

    If you look back on my posts on this thread, I ALWAYS felt I was going backwards when I was sick or hormonal. It just got me out of whack entirely and I started the spiralling thoughts. But I’d hold on and say to myself, if I can just make it past this day, or this week or whatever, I have a feeling the fog will lift again and I’ll be okay.

    So don’t worry, you won’t stay like this, you’ll be back to your routine soon and in the meantime, lean on friends through the phone or computer and maybe try reading something really interesting to stop your mind from wandering.

    Im ok, my anxiety, as always, is the worst in the morning so I find that challenging but it eases out throughout the day. He’s not being super communicative again this week. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s even deliberate at this stage. He called me last night, just general chit chat. I texted him going to sleep but he didn’t respond and hasn’t viewed the messages yet this morning.

    Im going to have to say something this weekend, but it’s hard to know who to talk to him. I thought my ex was bad, but this guy is….I dunno…..sometimes immature, sometimes really deep. It’s hard to get a read on him. I would like to bring it up over the phone so I don’t have to suffer another week of anxiety but he doesn’t believe in discussing things over the phone. I see his point in one way but at the same time, we live apart for a whole week each week, without phone conversations, a lot can build up.

    Anyway, it’s tough. He was amazing when I arrived at his place last Friday and Sat and then not as amazing when I returned again to him last Sunday after I had visited with family. At the moment I feel like he’s not that excited about me. To be honest, I get the sense he’s not that excited about anything. He hates his job so much and doesn’t really have anything else he looks forward to apart from his workouts. But in the beginning he was nervous around me and always trying to see me and now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
    I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.

    I like him. Some parts I’m beginning to see I don’t like. But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. But I don’t know where his head is at.

    #366805
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Thanks for replying. You do not understand how much it helps me. Feel like a truck drove over me and then dragged me backward for a mile.

    I dreamt last night I had a baby with him, my hormones have some explaining to do! I don’t actually want to be back with him so why does it feel so raw??

    Have I not been dealing with my emotions? People move on so fast though. I was watching a YT Influencer Niomi Smart she was with her bf for 4 years and got engaged 8 months ago, booked her venue, planning her wedding, etc. Then there was a sudden break-up, it shocked viewers they seemed perfect! She said she was traumatised initially but 4 weeks after she is all zen and healing. How do they do it? I wanted to die 4 weeks in!!!

    I hope I feel better soon but been advised to self-isolate for 14 days by the workplace and WFH. 2 weeks like this will kill all my progress!

    He might have a big deadline or be busy with work that’s why he is being scant on communication. Although it takes 10 secs to text a reply indicating you’re snowed under, he should realise it would make a world of difference to you.

    He does appear hot/cold. Really odd he is not communicating during the week but on good form during prime time-weekends. It’s usually the other way around with players. So I don’t think he is a player. Do you think he is actually insecure too? So being wishy-washy as a result.

    Or he could be a shit texter? Some people hate texting. I guess if you like someone enough you’d make the effort for them at least.

    I’m concerned about how you are already contorting for him to placate him so early on, not a healthy sign. You do the majority of the drives it seems and it’s unfair you have to wait until the weekend to discuss any concerns you have. It should be 50/50. Can you not video call that allows you to see expression etc?

    Because this is long distance, it will require more effort but is doable if two people commit to it. Do you call at least daily? How do you find them? Do you feel you can get lost in each other’s company for hours and never run out of things to say and don’t feel like ending the call? That feeling is magic.

    It is normal for things to settle into a routine, but it would worry me if less than 3 months in it became so lackluster and mundane. Although my ex and I didn’t work out at least that first year was full-on magical. We had a lovely honeymoon phase! The distance during the week should be when you are spicing it up so when you meet in person it should be automatically electric. Maybe like Tim said the initial sexual tension and fireworks fizzled out and chemistry isn’t as strong. This is how it would be long term. That’s ok toom but is that really enough for you?

    If you had asked me a few years ago in the midst of my own relationship, what to do? I would have said keep trying, I have always been loyal and willing to put effort into something, I ride it out but looking back now sometimes it was at a detriment to myself. Sometimes the best thing to do is know when to give up. Again this all comes from self-worth which I was clearly lacking by the end so couldn’t walk away.

    If this is already hit and miss so early on for you, then from my growth so far at least it has made me realise if something disturbs your peace of mind to this extent it can’t be healthy.

    I’m glad you are thinking about your wants and needs. You sound more level headed now before you sounded just desperate to cling onto the relationship which was only weeks old. You deserve to feel special, we all do. In good relationships you keep pushing each other up and inspiring, you work to keep the fire burning.

    What do you like about him vs not like? Write a list out we can look at it with you objectively.

    #366806
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello Shelbyville

    I’m reading your posts, also Sammy’s, because I also had a break up recently and I actually feel some of the same feelings and understand you.

    I’ve been reading your latest post. I Know it’s always easier being objective when it’s about others.. I’m probably pretty subjective about my own problems and delusional..

    However reading your post.. First you say: “now I literally feel like we’ve been going out 7 years and completely lost the magic and any sort of trying to step up for the other person – it’s not even been three months since we met in person for the first time, so I’m missing the honeymoon phase already.
    I just don’t want to feel taken for granted. I would like to feel special. Rather, at the moment, I almost feel like he’s ‘enduring’ being in a ‘situation’ with me as he feels he should give it a try at least, even if he suspects it’s not going anywhere.”

    And then after a few sentences you say: “But I’m willing to try. I want to give it a proper go. “

    Do you really want to give  proper go to someone who doesn’t make you feel like you want to?

    I understand you, because I’ve just been in similar situation.. I was really frustrated and angry and unsatisfied at my ex behaviour for 2 months.. But I wanted to continue, to fix it. People tell me that’s not how it happens… That if something goes that bad there’s no fixing, especially not if the other side doesn’t try too. And you already had some talks.

    Also I understand when you said he doesn’t want to talk on phone.. My ex didn’t either. He didn’t want to talk on phone, in public, before travels, before his birthday… So ask yourself, is that just an excuse he always uses, because he just doesn’t want to talk and isn’t ready for something serious or commitnent. And if that’s the case, it’s about him, not you.

    #366816
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Thanks for the advice guys. It’s so hard for me to figure things out at times between my head and heart, what my gut thinks and what I should do versus what I want to do. I can’t peg this guy. That’s my difficulty. I knew my ex so well and all his issues that he brought to the table and who I felt he was a person, but with this guy, it’s so new, I can’t get a read on him.

    Last night he was on the phone where he said he was considering watching a horror movie to just ‘feel something’. I don’t know what he meant, well I know he wanted to be scared, but actually I feel it ties in to his personality now. I don’t know if he is maybe a little depressed or down or has shut himself off somewhat, especially with the tragic loss of his younger brother last year. He’s not busy at work. That is a fact, the reason he hates it is because he literally does zero all day long, actually zero. It’s like they don’t have anything for him to do but don’t know where to put him, so his morale is low. He works out every second evening and then says all he wants to do is go to bed and listen to music and tune his brain out.

    We don’t talk every day on the phone, we text most days but that could end at lunchtime and I wouldn’t hear from him again until the next day. I called him the other night because I just wanted to talk to him but I’d say I woke him up because he had already said his goodnight by text and I think he really just wanted to hang up and sleep. It’s really fun when I’m with him and I enjoy being in his company and hanging out with him and the chemistry is definitely there then. He does know how to text because he did that constantly up until recently with constant cute messages of flirtiness and banter. So I honestly don’t know.

    Still no brave/strong enough to walk away.

    Sammy, I know 2 weeks seems so long, but I did it at the start of covid and got through it, you will too. I did a lot of puzzles to engage my mind from thinking about other things. I was lucky as I lived in the rural countryside, so I could walk everyday and still be self isolating as no-one else around! Could you do the same? You don’t have to run, even a walk can be great for the mind. Also set a challenge for yourself of learning or doing something new each day – have it as a focal point. The hormones really do contribute to the crazy dreams and all that kind of thinking, so I’m confident it will pass again.

    Rhaenys, I’m sorry to hear your in the same situation and hope you manage to make it through.

     

    #366833
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    Mother nature has visited, definitely not pregnant. It was impossible but somehow I wanted to be. I know I wouldn’t enjoy runs whilst I’m suffering!! I thought you can’t go out when self-isolating? I live in the city so would bump into people, my neighbour is also a curtain twitcher and tattle tale so I can’t be dealing with that crap or being fined! I have work to do from home but don’t feel as productive when I’m under the weather. I lay there staring at the ceiling and just think think and think! Not great for me currently.

    To distract myself, I completed reading your whole thread today! You’ve helped loads of people but have you really loved and helped yourself?

    Just my POV and food for thought, I think there could be some unresolved emotions you have not dealt with about ex, self-worth, and attachment issues. This week will be 2 years since you broke up properly from the ex. First of all CONGRATS, you survived! Be proud.

    Now for some real analysis – could be off, but it appears before that third reunion attempt you jumped into a few dates in Jan 19 realised you wanted another try with the ex, 3rd attempt happened in March-May but ended for good. The resentment comment by the ex spurred you to move forward three months on in Aug where there is no way you would have been emotionally available, I’m not after 6 months. You met your poor guy friend who appears to have got caught in the crossfire of your emotions. He definitely sparked something in you to attempt dating properly, he helped you up too and it appears you may have used him, I don’t know if that was intentionally/unintentionally but it would explain his unreliable behaviour towards you when you became just friends. That must have been painful, I do hope you did not lead him on to fill a need because you mentioned you felt sneaky. During quarantine when most relationships were breaking, without his presence, you began to feel something more but I’m guessing something happened between you two as you said the lines were drawn. You then discovered your ex has definitely moved on over an app and shortly after the guy friend and ex news you started casually dating two people, guy 1 you didn’t even like much but cried over. Guy 2 you don’t appear to be getting your needs met fully but you are clinging for a reason only known to you. You have pretty much been nonstop in/out of relationships since ex, most likely to feel loved, it wouldn’t surprise me if you had back up options lined up when things went south with one of the new people you were dating. If this insight holds any truth then I’d say step back and recentre yourself. Ask yourself if the ex miraculously had a change of heart and came back right now, what would you really do? Your words were few weeks back;
    “As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, I now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off”

    The reason being single is important is because you can’t know who you are if you’re constantly with someone. You can’t really appreciate the lessons and have proper emotional closure from your previous relationship if you’re almost immediately sliding into a new one. Old wounds never heal this way. You may have acceptance but you don’t have all the other things in line to be in a healthy relationship yet. If you continue as you are you’ll get hurt or you’ll hurt others unknowingly.

    IF THE ABOVE IS ENTIRELY INCORRECT then ignore BUT IT IS MY HONEST THOUGHTS BASED ON WHAT I READ.

    Back to right now, I think because you are not self-confident, it comes across as you will settle for less than you deserve. Probably the most harmful thing about being in a relationship where you don’t know what you want is that it makes you passive. If you were confident and knew exactly what your needs/wants were you’d assert them. It is why you probably get caught up in a ball of anxiety because there’s a conflict there and a huge part of you seeking validation.

    You owe it to yourself foremost and to your partner to be intentional about your decisions. It’s not worth staying in a relationship just for comfort’s sake or because you are afraid of being alone. You kind of already know you are dissatisfied but keep uttering I’m not strong enough to walk away. What scares you about standing up for yourself at least?

    Your ex you knew for years so can’t compare him to the new guy, it would be unfair. Shouldn’t really compare anyone to be fair. You judge people by their actions. Does this person make me feel special? How much effort is he putting in to meet me halfway? Is he consistent?

    The more details you are revealing it does appear it may possibly be that he suffers from low self-worth/insecurities or depression.

    Long-lasting sadness or irritability – with work
    High and low moods – sometimes excited by you sometimes not (hot/cold)
    Social withdrawal – sleep and music
    Inability to feel pleasure or take interest in activities – needs a jolt from a horror film

    Although you may be getting just enough now in his presence you really need to weigh up if you suffering anxiety and him possibly depression/insecurity issues is a good mix long term. If it is healthy? You require a lot of support yourself. Two broken people either fit together perfectly or destroy each other beyond repair.

    All this conjecture, you are the only two people who know exactly what is happening, so the only way to find out is to talk it out. Communicate! Ask without being reserved or scared of the answer. The more you talk about things with substance instead of general chit chat over the phone, the more you’ll discover. It shouldn’t be this hard. x

    #366871
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville

    I hope I haven’t overstepped it was just my pov, when I’m hormonal I spew without tact. I wouldn’t want to upset you. I hope we can still correspond. I’m sorry if anything came across relentlessly. A few people incl. ex has said to me in the past sometimes when I start something, I don’t let go, like a dog with a bone. Room for improvement but it was said with good intentions.

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