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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #366037
    Sammy
    Participant

    Hi @Shelbyville

    I’m in military mode myself, discipline in my runs which has really helped lift some of that fog and firing off anyone who offers me nothing which no one is used to and took them by surprise. I had a huge clearout of so called friends and I feel better for it as they showed no concern for me during this time citing I had split up so many times they believed I would be ok and accept it by now, the nerve! It has been 6 months + that initial pain where I thought I can’t live has lifted but my ex, unfortunately, is on my mind in various ways a lot but I’m trying. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I think the way it has panned out I will end up a much better person for it, The bad days are getting fewer I need to trust the process. His family still message me but I’m undecided to keep the ties or go for a clean break?!

    First of all, Shelby, take a deep breath and give yourself a massive pat on the back, You ARE OVER YOUR EX! that is a humongous achievement. You did the growth to move on, You decided, however, you got there, you deserved more, you want to be in another relationship.

    Self-worth is something I think needs a little more work reading what you wrote. It isn’t healthy to be so upset after casual dating ends with someone you didn’t really want. You are putting your worth entirely on the decision of someone else. Casual dating is meant to be light and fun and a way of avoiding pain really because you still have other options, you haven’t put your eggs in one basket. So there is something wrong, you still need to work on your self-love. It also kind of indicates you may actually be a monogamist yourself and want that one person to love and be loved by so badly.

    Onto the 2nd guy, from what you wrote I think he sounds great and you are self-sabotaging here. He is a monogamist and focuses on one person at a time, so you don’t have to worry about cheating or competition. Monogamy is rare in people these days. He has put out the feelers and you initially wanted to go at a different pace, he still stuck around that is reassurance. Maybe he felt like you didn’t want more so he pulled back a little himself to meet your pace. Now you are rushing in, just give him space and time to catch up. You’ve suggested a sleepover so the fact he is being cautious and suggested the morning is good, he is not looking to get in your pants.

    Do you know what you actually want from a relationship? Like what is your list after the lessons from your past? “But he was really head wrecked by me and couldn’t understand what I was talking about” what do you mean? What did you discuss that would make him feel that way or are you assuming?

    The only thing I’d be wary about 2nd guy is him not being a great communicator/ not into the deep stuff, it seems you have a type because your ex was the same. So you may be looking for validation rather than love. I think as a person you will always need a bit of reassurance so just make sure you can communicate that across and an understanding partner will give you that but at the same time learn to be confident in yourself too. If your needs are not being met don’t cling. I think you place your worth in another person.

    You are putting your heart on the line again so of course, it is going to be scary, of course, you are going to have nerves. But that means being vulnerable enough to handle rejection, as Tim said as long as you are being true to yourself if someone rejects you take it on the chin. It is their loss that is the mentality you need to adopt. Don’t have expectations, let things happen. If you nitpick and worry x means he isn’t interested without any evidence, it will be over before you know it. I’d say Sat morn focus on something like what you’ll do, wear, eat instead of he’s lost interest, take a chilled out approach, have fun on the day. Then have a light conversation about what you both want or see it going, if you’re still not on the same page then work on if you can be, if not be confident to walk away it is still early days you said only a few weeks ago you were dating newly and for distraction. Don’t let what could just be infatuation tie you in knots. You’ll be able to gauge more in-person conversation. You may be over-worrying for nothing.

    Your job like seriously I’d give it some time it’s 2 weeks, so the initial introduction/ familiarisation is always intense, after a month if I felt the same and depressed by it I’d quit. x

    #366055
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Sammy,

    Thanks for the in depth reply. I guess I am seeking reassurance because I get so scared. We have already had sleepovers at his place (he lives alone), but it is just an issue coming for a sleepover at mine because my Dad lives there. I had a panic attack one night staying over at his place – i thought he was asleep and I just really wanted to leave, fear gripped me completely. I suppose the fear of how I felt and the fear of losing him. I subsequently found out the next morning that he didn’t sleep that night either as I was so restless and he was in super bad form and tired.

    Last weekend I was due to meet him sat but ended up having to work on another project for most of sat (with a guy he kinda knows actually) and ended up arriving pretty late to his place on sat eve. I kept him in the loop all day about how the project was going and the delays etc and he was so understanding and chill about it. But during our phone call last night where I was having a freak attack and he was confused, he did admit that he was really mad, but he didn’t want to ruin the actual time we DID have together then by creating bad vibes. I felt so guilty….as my preference was certainly to spend time with him but the work project had to be completed.

    Anyway, he also admitted on the phone last night that the new job in the city has thrown him and his head is spinning. Fair enough, I get it. I just loved spending time with him because he made me laugh so much and didn’t seem to be afraid to admit and seek a relationship etc and now that has changed. Am I self-sabotaging or is my instinct kicking in and something is different? At this point, I just can’t decipher. I feel like that although I’m anxious, I don’t pick up on absolutely zero and make it in to something, there is always a nugget at the core that sets me off.

    I actually really like this guy and I don’t want to lose him. As for my ex, I wish I could say I’m over him and so much better and have great self worth. But it’s not that, i now accept the situation, but I don’t see myself as being better off or as me deciding I want better. It’s more a case of he has made a decision, he has utterly moved on, so so must I. That’s about it really. The new guy is a bad communicator but not deliberately, he just wouldn’t be great at it, whereas my ex determinedly avoided it. I think my ex would have had the wherewithall to talk but choose not to, whereas the new guy is actually someone who genuinely doesn’t think about some things too seriously and just wouldn’t have that level of communication ability. But I appreciate him for so many more things. But bottom line, I’m petrified of getting hurt here.

    I’m so glad to hear that you are sticking to a routine and that it’s helping. It’s all about the baby steps, I did what you did in the initial raw period. I remember the 6 month mark, I remember time passing and next thing you know, it’s over a year later and it doesn’t sting as much. Keep going with how you are going.

    Thanks for the input

    #366059
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville if you need to dump your emotions to ease the anxious thoughts you can. I’m working from home this week so can reply promptly. It is nice to not think so much about my own shit, makes me feel like I’m normal again eases the pain for a bit, it is why I was enjoying the offtopic conversation of romcoms or men/women behaviour with Tim. So I’m happy to help you figure things out. The contributors on this thread especially yourself have been so kind to me.

    Acceptance is a huge step, so come on give yourself credit!! You have chosen to let go even if it is not what you wanted. You could have still chosen to try and reconcile but you know it is time to move forward now rather than being in denial. It is sad to read you still don’t have the self-confidence and worth to state you deserved more because I read the thread and you really did.

    What are you scared of exactly? The rejection or being lonely? Or something else?

    Because you have the scarcity approach and combine that with your low self-worth you are ending up being needy. Just tell yourself you the worst-case scenario will be rejection, if that happens tell yourself you’ve survived it before, you can again. You are the prize too, you should both feel equally happy and proud to have one another and feel you both shouldn’t lose one another.

    Can I ask some frank questions? Don’t answer if you don’t want but it may help you.

    1) Have you been intimate with him and he feels distant now?

    2) When you had the panic attack why didn’t you let him know even if it meant waking him up when you were asleep? These attacks are a part of you that he will need to accept and it would have given you an insight to see if he meets your needs.

    3) There is definitely a communication barrier, it is like you are both walking on eggshells around each other and because you are so intuitive you are picking up on things, he should have communicated he was mad you arrived so late and had adult conversation to nip it in the bud, instead it seeped over and clearly he was still holding onto it for him to still be bothered days later after your time together that he mentioned it in the call.

    You need to be wary that you don’t fall into old patterns of bending over backwards to appease.

    4) Why has your new job thrown him? Are you seeing each other less as a result? If so, try and utilise technology. Distance is never a barrier in committed relationships. No relationship should stop you from being independent.

    5) Could it be you both have expectations without having actually defined the relationship? Maybe a calm heart to heart on Sat after a chilled fun day may alleviate both of your concerns. Without the same level of communication, you will run into problems if not now further down the line.

    6) Do you think you are ready for a relationship? You still seem to be seeking approval and happiness in a partner that will lead to issues. Neediness is easily detected and can turn people off. You need to head into a relationship feeling strong, strong enough that if it doesn’t work out you will be disappointed but not feel so petrified of feeling dejected to the heights of the last relationship.

    Love requires risk, you may get hurt but rejection should make you stronger not destroy you. You have to also ensure what you are seeking is love and not validation x

    #366079
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy, I’m glad to hear that my story is providing you with a reprieve from your own – I was the same. I found helping other people in their strife, helped me get out of my own head lots.

    I can only read the forum on my phone this eve & it’s hard to fit in the screen so I’ll reply to your questions in the morning.

    Tonight the anxiety has eased a little cos I walked out of work at my “supposed” contract finish time & went for a walk in the park. I needed it. I need that life balance. Let’s hope I get a little bit of sleep tonight!

    #366080
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville by that I don’t mean I’m happy you are struggling, I much rather you were happy! Just helps switch off for a bit helping others.

    Is this new guy emotionally supporting you in your work stress? Good on you for walking out I wouldn’t stay a minute longer if I felt unease, prioritise yourself. I hope you get a good night’s sleep.

    Speak in the morning! x

    #366113
    Michelle
    Participant

    @sammy I told him some of the things you posted here because I thought it was true. And we talked more. we talked about prematurely ending the relationship etc. I told him I was going to cut let it go because it was going to be painful. He didn’t want me to go  so we are back to not being friends still being committed and letting this come to it’s natural end and maybe finding more options other than Canada.

    #366114
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you for you advice it helped a lot. Wanted to add that.

    #366116
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Michelle good on you and well done for speaking your truth, not settling for just friends and being willing to walk away if he didn’t commit to seeing it through to the end with you. I really hope you get a happy ending but whatever happens you’ll both be doing it together on fair terms, I did say distance is never a barrier in love and I’m glad he stepped up to the plate when needed. You are taking a risk but you definitely know now you have a guy who is all in too. Best of luck on your journey.

    I always give good advice to others I’m so glad it was useful. I really should apply it to myself in future! x

    #366117
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo, morning – I hope you’re doing okay?

    Sammy,

    Thanks for the advice earlier in the thread. My head is all over the place at the moment. What bothers me the most right now is that I feel like I have felt before, upset, anxious, worried, tummy not right etc. And I’m disappointed that after all this time and all the work I’ve done, things still haven’t changed in the way I react.

    Yes I have been intimate with him but he didn’t feel distant before now. If anything I felt it brought us closer and he was very much moving into relationship territory (which I was scared about initially), but in the past week the vibe has changed. I definitely don’t think he’s a player, but I’m scared his feelings have changed.

    When I was panicking, he did wake (he wasn’t really asleep) and he asked why I was scared and stuff and gave me cuddles etc, but he was also fairly confused but just tried to lull me to sleep.

    In terms of being angry that I was late, I have stressed to him that I am completely open to conversations and I’m not an argumentative person, that if he ever feels that way he can always come to me and discuss it and I’ll receive it in as understanding a way as possible.

    I guess it’s been trickier seeing each other now that I have moved and he has this whole thing in his head now that he doesn’t want me ending up resenting him because I feel I have to spend every weekend with him now when he knows how important friends and family are to me. He doesn’t want me to run myself ragged trying to please everyone. I explained that I WANT to spend my time with him right now (as we get to know each other) but he said he can’t help how he feels and he feels guilty and doesn’t want to be selfish and we both have to have our independent lives. I think this hit a trigger for me, because I instantly felt like ‘oh well he thinks I’m too clingy and wants to do his own thing’ (similar to my ex I guess).

    We have not defined what we are. Initially he was ALL about a relationship and behaving accordingly, but I wasn’t ready as I barely knew him so I said take things slow. As I’ve gotten to know him more, I really like him and would like to be in a relationship with him, but it seems the dynamic has now changed and when I try to steer conversation or anything in that direction now, I get nowhere. I do plan to have a fun day tomorrow but I’m so wound up with anxiety right now that I feel I’ll nearly be putting on a ‘show’ to try and be the light hearted free spirited girl he first met.

    That’s my difficulty I suppose, I am hard to get initially….it takes me time to warm up to people and trust. But then I do, eventually and then I’m all in. They then experience more of what I’m really like and I feel like they then go ‘oh well she’s not cool and laid back like I thought, I wanted the easy going independent girl to cave, but I don’t want this clingy over anxious person’…..and yes I’m aware of how negative that chat is towards myself, yet it’s how I feel.

    In fairness, I did think I was ready for a relationship. I was quite confident going in to this when I first met him. But now that confidence is shaking and I don’t know why. I obviously don’t want to seek validation from someone else, but when I start to care about someone, the fear of losing them takes swipes at me again. For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay. You want someone who is all in. If he chooses to reject you, he’s not the one for you’. I’ve been repeating this trying to change the perspective in my mind in a effort to subsequently change my feelings and reduce the anxiety.

    I was doing okay yesterday after talking to my sister about it and then when I texted him to say goodnight last night, he responded without his usual kisses at the end of the text. It’s a small thing I know, but it’s what I’ve come to expect and I know it means something is ‘off’ with him. He just replied a generic smiley face. It’s unlike him. So that set me off again last night so not a great sleep to be honest.

     

     

     

    #366124
    Sammy
    Participant

    I know you would prefer familiar reassurance and advice from @kkasxo- I’ll tag her too hopefully she sees it.

    You are a lovely person Shelby after reading Michelle’s response to my advice, I think you are owed more from me. You come across as someone with a strong work ethic, someone who is an asset to her team to work crazy hours, caring, intelligent, sensitive, and with so much to offer.

    The reason I asked if you had already been intimate is that some are notorious chasers they get off on that initial thrill in early courting, I think that doesn’t seem to be the case here. However like I said certain hormones are active during the acute phase of courting and it can lull you into a false sense of security too that’s why you should be relaxed until a relationship is defined.

    I wouldn’t be worried by an emoji being missing at the end of a text, that is just your brain looking for reasons to provide evidence and support your inner critic. I think the major issue is you feel you have to read into these type of signs.

    I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting and I believe some of the things I’ve learned are applicable to yourself. We are very self-critical, we allow our inner critic to overpower and control our thoughts/behaviour.

    I am going to be blunt and please do not be hurt by this and you can ignore and discard the advice of course. I know you are a sensitive person so yesterday I tried to be less direct. I could pretend that it is just fear. I could cheerlead and blame the guy, but this thread was my savior. You are the author and I want you to heal fully and have a fulfilled relationship as much as I.

    The reality is you still do not have the self worth and appear to be deeply insecure in yourself. That isn’t just in relationships but you doubt your ability in your job too.

    You are currently faking the high value act, this act allows you to attract anyone if you actually felt and believed it you would not be affected so much by the possibility of loss/rejection, disappointed but happy that you took a risk and assured that something better awaits for you.

    Our masks always come off after the initial courting phase, everyone reveals their true self when the initial hormones have worn off. Everyone has flaws but someone who is truly high value doesn’t let the inner critic win as they are self assured. With a very self critical voice someone with low self worth will allow the feelings of insecurity and neediness to become amplified as the relationship continues then seek approval and reassurance from others.

    Unless you really address the neediness and insecurity it will be tough for you to have a long lasting relationship, which is why I think you trying to forge a new relationship without really addressing the issues will hurt you.

    Sometimes it can be a case we end up meeting someone who has different needs to us i.e. we may want closeness and partner prefers space in cases like those the partners either compromise and with good communication, the difference in compatibility can be rectified or they simply accept they are incompatible and part ways.

    If the issues are stemming from deeper emotional issues you’ll hit the same block no matter what type of person you meet.

    • In your own words you stated you ended up being needy/clingy with your ex.
    • Your guy friend you mentioned to us you would end up feeling hurt when he didn’t reassure you in the way you wanted.
    • You mentioned the 1st guy you casually dated left you distraught even though you didn’t want him. You said when you care about someone that is when the fear or anxiety strikes, but you felt insecure here too.
    • Now this 2nd guy is making you feel anxious and so scared of loss.
    There’s a pattern Shelby.

    If a relationship gets going what you’ll end up trying to do is bend over backward for your partner to make yourself feel more adequate but when your emotional needs are not met eventually they will seep out in needy/clingy behaviour.

    If you have a partner who is kind the relationship will continue. But then your partner will end up feeling burdened by the responsibility of being your sole source of happiness or guilty or resentful. Your partner will feel emotionally drained. Yet you will feel hurt and disappointed they are not giving you the reassurance in the way you need. Thus leading to your partner leaving or walking away because they are exhausted or overwhelmed and drained by being ultra-supportive of your emotional needs. From what you wrote I think the new guy is sensing this hence the change.

    Personally, all my friends have been encouraging me to get back out there, except my best friend with a psychology background who was very compassionate but straight-talking also. I am not going out there until I know I have worked on similar issues myself. I read this quote once which went something like “until you have your own house built with the strong structure it’s unwise at best and unloving at the worst to invite someone to spend any length of time under your shaky roof.” So if we’re not 100% secure in ourselves should we even be looking for a relationship? Like Tim mentioned we may not like to accept it but we will end up perpetuating toxic cycles.

    You have all the qualities but you have to have real self confidence and not seek reassurance from others You need to be happy with yourself first or nothing will change in your relationships.

    Are you sure your therapy is doing you good? It may have made you hyperaware and not dealt with the actual issue. You said you’ve had therapy for years but the same issues are arising. Maybe try something different? A different therapist or training on behaviour patterns.

    Maybe get your guy friend on board to assist you? He has first hand experience with you and that’s what opposite sex friends are for!! To help navigate the dating arena by giving you a view of yourself and the pitfalls to avoid. You mentioned you were totally yourself with him and he was emotionally understanding and cared. Ask him how he felt when you were needy etc and how he dealt with it etc. Or ask him for tips on what you could tweak to ensure you don’t feel so anxious in a new relationship.

    We could have done with Tim giving an insight too. He has the experience and is pretty clued up with this stuff and may have put it across more succinctly and sensitively.

    I think you should really spend tonight self loving, pamper yourself, switch off from the intrusive inner critic thoughts and enjoy your date and take it as it comes tomorrow.

    It may surprise you but if something feels off still, discuss it and do not let it work you into a frenzy that you are not enough. Either way if this goes further you will need to address the issues or they will seep out further down the line in bigger ways because no one can reassure you forever or promise you a forever.

    I’m really sorry if you didn’t want to read it. I don’t want to molly coddle you, I really think you are an amazing person with lots of strength and you need to believe that too x

    #366125
    Sammy
    Participant

    HERE ARE THE TRAITS OF HIGH-VALUE WOMAN – can we really say we meet these naturally? I know I don’t so I need the time to be comfortable being alone and work on myself.

    The high-value woman doesn’t equate her worth to sex.

    As a woman, your worth isn’t tied to your vagina. Women’s bodies have always been theirs without truly belonging to them. Sex has culturally been a determining factor that insecure men draw a false sense of power from and thereby feel the need to base a woman’s worth on her body count or lack thereof. But who gave a man that power? Cue Queen Mother Erykah Badu Certainly, not me.

    The high value woman knows her worth without relying on a man to validate her worth or value. The high value woman doesn’t let what others think of her dictate how she lives her life. The high value woman doesn’t use sex as collateral and instead makes decisions for her body based on her wants, independent of what anyone else says in attempts to try to police – whether it is celibacy, abstinence, or sex three times a week.

    A high value woman transforms sexuality into what it is, a vessel of self-expression and intimacy, as opposed to a commodity. She is aware that the aspect of her that a man should really be worried about acquiring is her exclusivity. That’s the real prize.

    The high value woman is confident.

    While confidence can be faked until it’s made, authentic and deeply felt self-love stems from a place of true confidence. And that is where a high value woman harnesses her power. She doesn’t need anyone and as a result, none of her actions come from a place of neediness – instead, it echoes confidence. She knows her worth and it is evident in the way that she walks, talks, but most importantly, in the way that she treats herself.

    Thus, the quality of men she attracts know they have to step their game up and treat her in a way that matches what she does on her own or more, or they can keep it moving.

    The high value woman doesn’t play games.

    Because she is a high value woman, she doesn’t feel the need to behave in a way that is inauthentic to her desires nor is she one to manipulate for the hell of it. She doesn’t pretend to be busy, take twice as long to respond as her potential bae did to a text, or swallow and shroud herself in an effort to be more likeable to the opposite sex. She doesn’t have to follow arbitrary rules to seem more unattainable or more attractive – she just doesn’t have the concern.

    She is only interested in attracting and keeping people who value who she is as a woman in the way that she values who she is. That kind of woman is not worried about whether or not potential bae is thrilled by the chase.

    The high value woman is self-aware and expressive.

    Some women fail to realize that a lot of what makes them a woman are qualities to be revered – being emotional and sensitive are just two of those qualities. These are beautiful feminine qualities that you should own as pivotal aspects of your divinity. Closed mouths don’t get fed, and women hide so much of themselves out of fear of being too this or too that, so they don’t voice their opinions, their thoughts, or feelings – especially in dating.

    The high value woman doesn’t hide herself in any way from the world, especially not from a prospective partner. She understands that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it and that the way she expresses herself is a part of seduction and intimacy. She is grounded in her own sensibility and understanding of the world. She is not afraid to ask for what she wants, to say “no,” or demand respect by walking away confidently from a table where dinner is no longer served.

    The high value woman has her own.

    Her value is not intrinsically dependent on a man. She is enough just by existing so she is enough for herself. She feels good in her own skin, complete, full, and whole. She is a well-rounded woman who is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually independent. She travels the world, makes time for her girls, and clocks into a work life she’s passionate about.

    She can wait for Mr. Right without desperation because she knows that the man she chooses will be the one that deserves her and all that she is.

    #366123
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Sheelbville.

    I had a recent break-up (that I wrote about in other topic – https://tinybuddha.com/topic/after-break-up-trying-to-change-relatipnships-patterns-and-overcome-rejected/) and I’ve been reading the rest of the forums and your posts.

    I read your last posts and I’m really sad you feel this way.

    I understand the fear of rejection, as I have it too.. maybe we should change how we look at it.

    Maybe one way of dealing with it could be – you don’t have to look at his behaviour as rejection. You are not still committed yet. If he is changing, if he is not behaving how you would like him to, thank he is not the one good enough for you. Maybe now is right time for you to overcome this, to stop this pattern. Maybe you should really try to do it now.

    “For the past 24 hours I have done nothing but think about this and I have tried to go about my daily business consistently saying to myself ‘it’s okay, if he’s not for you, that’s okay” – I kow it’s hard (hey, I’m just experiencing it), but maybe you should try to relax and think about what to do – in the morning, if you drink coffee or tea, just enjoy drinking that cofee or tea (like the article from the blog about drinking tea), if you wash the dishes, try just to do that. And when thoughts come let them be. Try to look them as just an observer from outside. Maybe just now is the right time for us to overcome this and realize we have all the love in us.

    I Know, we can try, and then we will forget and thoughts will come again – but then again, we can try it again.

    Also, if you relax, maybe everything will get better – with him or with someone other, if not today than tomorrow.

    They say life will give us lessons untill we learn them – maybe you could use this as an opportunity.

    If he is so lazy that he can’t even send you kisses when you write him last night – how can he be good enough for you, if that is how you want him to behave? Maybe really, it would be better for us who fear rejection, to not look as partners like someone who we need to prove ourselves – but see how we feel with them.  My good friend lately also had a brief “fling” with a guy who she saw was not immature enough – and she said to me “His maximum (what he could give to her) was less than my minimum (that she excepts).” And she broke it up.

    #366139
    Sammy
    Participant

    @Shelbyville I’m worried are you ok?

    Let us know how you are coping, I hope tomorrow goes well and you enjoy your date and it’s nothing but a storm in a teacup.

    Thinking of you x

    #366180
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks all for the advice.


    @sammy
    – wow that was perceptive and accurate. You are so clued in and insightful! And certainly a long stretch from the bottom of a dark and deep bottle a few weeks back, I definitely think you’re making progress.

    As for me, I’m struggling, for all the reasons you listed above probably. I am absolutely faking being a high value woman, no wonder they bolt when the facade falls. But my issue is that I THOUGHT I was good to myself. I thought I was good solo, I’ve been looking after myself this past year, quitting my old job, travelling, enjoying freedom to make any choice I want.

    I was journaling, meditating, spending time with friends and family, going to therapy, reading insightful blogs and books, I don’t know how else I am to cultivate this sense of self worth so that I don’t keep falling back to the pattern of insecurity and anxiety.

    We have been texting back and forth today but nothing remotely flirty or romantic. I called him tonight, chatting about our days but nothing too exciting, I tried some flirty banter which we used to engage in and it kinda just fell flat. He was heading for a walk & said he’d call me back when he returned but he just text one or two word texts, I asked did he wanna call back and he said he’s just gonna watch some tv and hit the hay.

    For everyone reading this now- screaming at me…. oooooh defo sounds like he’s brushing you off…..I know. I can see it in some ways.

    Ugh, why can’t things be straight forward. Why all of a sudden am I feeling like this, how do I rectify it. Taking a big long period of time off to ‘find myself’ just seems like what I literally have been doing. Honestly I feel like I’ve not stopped working on myself in years, so what’s gonna give?

    I’m upset tonight & im sick of it. Sick of feeling this way. It hurts and I’m tired of it. Tired of feeling like a glass chandelier that anyone touches will end up breaking.

    #366184
    Tim
    Participant

    I am grieving at the moment which is why I need some time away, I read some of the posts and felt compelled to respond because it may reassure and help you @Shelbyville.

    The majority of what @Sammy said was surprisingly true ( Sammy, you should act on your own advice otherwise it is hypocritical 😉 ) but Shelby doll, it is something you may want to really reflect on after tomorrow. I suffered a lot of insecurity or low self-worth and as a man, it is almost worse as everyone has this expectation you should be an Alpha male, strong, etc. It made me do some things I’m not proud of and I admit I was a sub-par partner for a while. I have evolved into a completely rounded individual and it has benefited me in all aspects of my life; relationships, work, etc. You can’t fake true confidence.

    What I don’t think has been highlighted is your intuitiveness and given how aware you are I do not think you are being entirely irrational and sabotaging from what you have written. There are clear concerns here, there has been a definite change in dynamic and the feelings it is bringing up are valid. It is very easy to be labelled needy, In fact, maybe the problem isn’t that you’re needy but that he’s incapable of giving you what you need.

    You need to determine if the change in dynamic is a direct reaction to your behaviour or is it you actually have someone who is genuinely making you feel like this from not understanding who you are.

    I will say this, once the electricity and fireworks fade after the initial period you will be left with the actual reality which is why being yourself from the get-go is important. Never rely on the feelings of intimacy during that period, you can have great sex and still not want to commit. If you want a long-lasting relationship then what should be bringing you closer is being aligned in needs and values. You just have to pay attention to how the energy unfolds as the truth will play out to understand what was built with a solid foundation and whatnot.

    You mentioned people think you are something else and disappointed later, which is why you should always be authentic. If they don’t like you for it they are not for you and can shove it. That is when you will find real love and the happiness within yourself too. You need to relentlessly be you, boldly, and unashamedly and love yourself for it.

    It is important to be aware of your wants and needs and value system when getting into a relationship and to find out the wants and needs and value system of the person you are dating early on, so you can stop dating if you are not compatible enough. So the fact you are finding it hard to steer the conversation there I understand must be causing anxious feelings. It is not very mature of him. This is basic communication, do not make yourself feel like you are a head wreck for wanting to communicate your concerns. On the flip side if you have thrown out accusations i.e. YOU DO NOT CARE etc instead of stating I feel this is important to me….. then you are to blame.

    Anyone who suggests that you are “needy” is simply trying to disparage your feelings on the subject. Again, he is not a bad person for being ok with seeing you less often, and you are not a bad person for wanting more. No one is right or wrong here. Wanting to spend more time with someone you value is a natural tendency. If no compromise can be made then both of you should acknowledge that and move on from this relationship. Anyone insisting on having their way at the expense of the other person then is being immature and deliberately hurtful.

    You mentioned panic attacks this is something that has happened to me and my current partner from the very beginning was supportive. However I don’t rely on her to soothe me always, but it is nice to have comfort, and she trying to talk and understand how / what feelings triggered it. She has the emotional intelligence to adapt and assess a situation and that is something I need in a partner; emotional understanding. If you need that then it’s met by confusion then you will no doubt be left feeling anxious.

    The fact your new guy was angry with you for being late in itself seems strange for someone trying to then assert independence. You kept him informed throughout the day. Plans sometimes fall through, it is inevitable. As long as there is communication and rearrangement are made then that’s ok. So before you get swept away in lust and let your insecurities heighten because of your inner critic is searching for its own validation, really assess what you are losing in this person.

    Having said all this, if after an honest inward assessment, what @Sammy wrote rings true about patterns in your relationship where you develop unrealistic expectations due to needing constant reassurance because of low self-worth/insecurity then I suggest you take time out and work on yourself. Because you don’t want to spend the rest of your days feeling like this checking if a kiss has been added etc it will ruin you.

    I’m proof healthy relationships are possible and I was messed up! A couple who doesn’t communicate and has to try to figure out what the other person is feeling is not communicating effectively so tomorrow COMMUNICATE!

    So be yourself tomorrow, have fun, express yourself, and keep us in the loop. Good luck doll!

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