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After break up – trying to change relatipnships patterns and overcome rejected

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  • #365240
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    I had a break-up with my last boyfriend at the beginning of this month. I feel this time I’m dealing better then with my previous break-ups, but I want help and advice so I could stop my relationship pattern and overcome rejection.

    I had 2 boyfriends, and in between a “fling” with another one.

    I had my First boyfriend at 23 years. He initiated it, at the beginning he was the one pursuing me, but he also told me he didn’t want anything serious. I fell in love with him, but he never changed, and i wanted serious relationship. I tried and waited for too long, and after 7 years he broke up.

    I was shocked and sad at First, he was my First love and I perceived him as my soulmate, but I was getting better, hanging with my friends and going out alone. Not long after break up, another guy starter pursuing me. At First I wasn’t interested and didn’t find him handsome, but soon I felt something about him. We started seeing each other. He was really nice to me, I told him about break up, and he said to me that he understands and that when I want something with him, I just need to express that to him. We were dating and seeing for 3 months, and last month he started getting cold. I initialized a relationship talk, he first needed time, then he said he is in for it, and then he suddenly  broke up wit a message. I was crushed. I have just fallen in love and was devastated.

    I was really crushed then with last experience. First, a break up from a long relationship, then the second one left wean I’ve just fallen in love in the fullest. I read a lot of self help then, even found this site, but I wasn’t coping with it very well. I couldn’t be alone, I was with my friends all the time or chatting with them, I wasn’t by best on my work. I started chatting and meeting boyfriends, desperately wanting one so I could forget both guys. I went out and drank. I had some pursuers, I rejected some but also got rejected myself. After six months, I I meet a nice cute guy on a party on the beach.

    The last guy was 8 years younger he was 23, I 31 (first boyfriend was 1 year younger, next fling 3 years younger). He was really nice, really kind. I got mononucleosis and he was chatting and keeping me company. When I got better we continued seeing each other. Next year was a paradise. It was such a magic being with him, we were really in love and enjoyed each other. I admit I was scared a lot first six months, that I will be rejected again during this phase, but he was a lot into me, really good and I started feeling better.

    I was aware he is young, and he did took a long time to tell to his parents, but I started to believe in him. I also wanted this relationship to evolve, and told myself that if after a year of two it won’t go forward, I won’t wait another 7 years.

    After little less than 1 year after meeting him, last summer I started going cold a bit. Also stress on work started and I was being tired. I didn’t understand why I fell out of love, and he was still much in love and good to me, and I didn’t want to leave him. However, even though I tried I couldn’t act as before, and he did say me a few times that something is changed and it’s not like in the beginning.

    As I got cold I acted differently, and showed my insecuruties more, and there were times I could be better to him. I also realized he can’t express when something bothers him, he stays silent. I told him that conversation is important. But he was still really kind and nice, and I wanted more with him and I really wanted to try to wotk for our relationship. During april I wanted to have a talk about our age difference and future. He said he’s not ready for anything and after that he changed, more and more.

    Last 2 months , I could’t recognize him. He, a person who always put me first and was always so nice and patient and kind with me, suddenly put other things before me and began to react angry at 1 sentence of my that he didn’t like (for example, we went shopping and we found what he wanted to bought, I said let’s go home, he in instant got angry). I talked to him about that a few times, but he still coulnd’t talk about problems with me. He said he has exams in college, and has a hard time, and that he was with me when I changed at first. After my last attempt for conversation, he broke up. He told me we don’t want same things, and I also realized he blames me for things and that he didn’t told me that for months.

    I realize now that I couldn’t have what I wanted with my last younger boyfriend, but at the same time, I feel some regrets for letting my insecurities in and changing after initial phase of falling in love ended. I can’t believe how he and our realtionship is changing.

    I admit I feel better this time, I don’t drink, and can be alone and I spend time with my family and friends, and I try to practice mindfulness. I don’t want to rush in a new relationship, and I want to work on myself and feel better and happy alone first. However I still do miss him.

    I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern. I realize I want relationship to much and I tend to cling a bit more when a guy grows distant or cold, and I really want to change that. I also want to heal my pain and my fear of rejection.

    #365252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    You shared that at 23, you had your first boyfriend (22): he pursued you and told you that “he didn’t want anything serious”. You fell in love with him, perceived him as your soulmate, wanted something serious, and waited 7 years for him to change his mind. After 7 years of waiting, he broke up with you.

    Not long after the breakup, at 30,  another man (27) pursued you, you dated him for three months, fell in love with him, and during the third month “he started getting cold” and finally he broke up with you over a message.

    Six months later, at 31, you  met a man (23). Almost a year after meeting him, you were tired, stressed at work, and you “started going cold a bit.. fell out of love” while he was “still much in love” with you and good to you. Your behavior toward him changed. If I understand correctly, you acted distant from him, and you complained to him that he is too silent, that he should talk more, tell you what bothers him. In the last two months his “nice and patient and kind” behavior toward you changed, and he was at times quickly angered at you. He finally broke up with you, and somehow suggested to you that it was your fault that the relationship ended.

    “I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern”- by pattern, you mean that you “tend to cling a bit more when a guy grows distant or cold”-

    – that was what happened in your first relationship. In the third, you grew distant and cold, not the guy, and in the second relationship (which you called a fling), did you cling to him?

    Can you better describe to me what you mean by clinging (what behaviors are clinging behaviors), and otherwise define for me what you mean by your pattern in relationships?

    anita

    #365271
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I admire you for wanting to make changes within yourself and break your pattern of behavior, as you said. I admire that you recognize how this old behavioral pattern is not actually helpful to your life and. your emotional equilibrium. The only way I know to change ourselves is to do the hard work of actively changing ourselves. I personally have found several books helpful to me in learning of my own dysfunctional ways of thinking and ways of behavior. You’ve started new patterns already by not drinking and practicing mindfulness, which shows a lot of inner wisdom and reaching for self love. Sometimes when we cling to other people, it is our own emotional need or pattern of thinking,  that makes us do this. I often recommend reading a book on codependence or going to CODA meetings (some are online) or any other codependency support group. I have liked The Happiness Trap, and The Road Less Traveled, too. Which are not about codependence but about healing ourselves and finding our paths in life.

    What I would also suggest is you start to journal each evening about the things you wonder about and maybe start with the clingyness. Does it feel like the guy is abandoning you and this triggers some kind of panic or anxiety so you long to get him back? Does it feel like you are not important or valuable if you don’t have a man in your life? Do you need approval from others to feel okay about yourself and when the man starts to disengage from you, do you think this means you aren’t okay? What drives this within you is your “homework” to start with. Take your time, just write it pen to paper and don’t censor yourself, let it flow no matter if short or long. If it feels like you can’t do this on your own, a good therapist can really help in many situations.

    #365276
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for your reply.

    “You shared that at 23, you had your first boyfriend (22): he pursued you and told you that “he didn’t want anything serious”. You fell in love with him, perceived him as your soulmate, wanted something serious, and waited 7 years for him to change his mind. After 7 years of waiting, he broke up with you.” – I think that I perceived him like that because he was my first boyfriend. Also, I’m aware my parents didn’t agree and they divorced when I was 20, and I’m aware that I wanted a boyfriend in my life for a long time, as a kind of a “savior”. I know now that I have to “save” myself, I don’t have to look for that in other people.

    If I understand correctly, you acted distant from him, and you complained to him that he is too silent, that he should talk more, tell you what bothers him. In the last two months his “nice and patient and kind” behavior toward you changed, and he was at times quickly angered at you. He finally broke up with you, and somehow suggested to you that it was your fault that the relationship ended.” – I did change, I think that was inevitable, because of stress at work and when the initial phase of falling in love, infatuation, changed for me. However, I still cared for him a lot, and I did put him first, I never went with my friends instead of him (as he did in the end for me). I still helped him with his exams. But I couldn’t avoid that he doesn’t feel the change at all (even though I tried, a lot). And I did not complain all the time, however I noticed he doesn’t tell me and can’t communicate when he doesn’t like my behaviour. I told him, when he did that , that I wanted him to trust him and tell him, that I think that’s important for realtionship. He told me that he’s not like that and can’t do it. At the end, I realized he blamed me for a lot of stuff (some of I was guilty of but as he had not told me, I even did not have an opportunity to say I’m sorry and try to change that, and also some that I couldn’t even known because I couldn’t read his mind and know what he wants if he doesn’t tell me).

    “I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern”- by pattern, you mean that you “tend to cling a bit more when a guy grows distant or cold”- – that was what happened in your first relationship. In the third, you grew distant and cold, not the guy, and in the second relationship (which you called a fling), did you cling to him? Can you better describe to me what you mean by clinging (what behaviors are clnging behaviors), and otherwise define for me what you mean by your pattern in relationships?”

    my pattern as I see it:

    – I chose partners that were not emotionally mature, and were not ready for next steps in relationship (meeting parents, living together), they wanted just to go out and hang out – especially my longer relationships. The last boyfriend was young, and he wanted to finish college and go out until late. First problems arose after our initial period, where my work problems and stress started, and I started to be sleepy and tired during weekend. We went on dates, and he wanted to stay in the car and be intimate after midnight , I needed a sleep and rest. He even had an appartment, but he never proposed we go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning – he would left me home and hang out with friend. When I asked if we could go there sometimes, he said he is afraid we would stop going out and just be in apartment. I wanted both, I wanted to go out with him and wake up near him. I realized I wanted more serious relationship but he was not ready for it.

    – All my relationships ended with my partners going distant and breaking up with me. Even before last relationship and now again, I feel hurt and rejected. With my last partner, I really did my best at the end, I helped him with college a lot, I gave him my laptop so he can go in the apartment and prepare in quiet, and I even went there and supported him during most of his online exams, I made that a priority. And he lately tried much more and spent much more time with his best friend than with me. Last 2 months I felt like he was bored with me and that really hurt.

    – I also realized I tend to try more when I feel my partner is getting distant. Like it’s a trigger for me. I start getting anxious if he doesn’t reply on my messages, I don’t feel like going out with my friends, I just want to get it to work, if I care for him. Of course, I also try to talk with them and ask what is happening, and tell them that I want more attention than they give me at that time. Maybe I should gave him space – but I don’t want to be in a relationship when my partner wants spends more time with his friend than with me. So I tried to talk it out, be there for him, help him with his exams (i thought his exams were bothering him), but nothing I did at that time could make it work.

    (Also, I don’t think I was too needy or clingy with 2nd boyfriend – fling, before the break up. I did ask him to be together after, but I don’t think I did anything wrong before that. It may be that he just realized I’m not right one for him -and I think he is right.)

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #365280
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Rose of Yellow, thank you very much for your reply and advices.
    Sadly, I really suck at writing, and I hate it… I do try to read books about mindfulness, and try to practice that. Also, a few times lately when I practiced that some reasons for my problems and answers about my last relationship just “came” to me, so it helps. When I had a kind of panic attack, I tried to just sit and look at it, like I’m observer, and some answers just came to me ( I remembered times in my past and childhood when I feel that pain came from).

    Also last time when I was in pain I read this page and others books about meditation and mindfulness (I’m a big fan of Osho), but when problems stop and when I found my last boyfriend I stopped – now I plan to practice that even when I’m better and happy. Because I realized many traps of our mind rise again when the initial infatuation period stops and other problems (work, stress, family problems) arise.

    “Does it feel like the guy is abandoning you and this triggers some kind of panic or anxiety so you long to get him back?” – I think in some ways it does.

    “Does it feel like you are not important or valuable if you don’t have a man in your life?” – I felt that for years, and even before last relationship. Maybe not that I’m not valuable, but that I can’t be happy, or complete without that. I also thought partner is the most important part of life and I can’t be happy without him, and that if I have a partner everything will be ok. I realized with my last relationship I was wrong – even when he was lovable, and I was in love, it wasn’t perfect – first, because of my fear of being hurt again, then because problems with stress because of  work and loss of my family member. And that affected the relationship too.

    Sadly, I did told him I was hurt before, and he did promise not to hurt me , and I trusted him.. and now it happened again.

    Do you need approval from others to feel okay about yourself and when the man starts to disengage from you, do you think this means you aren’t okay? – Yes, I recognize that too.

    Now I have better and worse days.. I really try not to let my mind wonder, and just be in the moment but it’s hard sometimes.
    There are some days when I feel just fine, but I also have a problem that I can’t sleep much and I wake up every every day at 4:30 am with a pain in my chest. First days I couldn’t feel asleep again, now I can – that’s progress I guess.
    I do want to have a partner in life, but this time I really want to feel happy and carefree again first, and not to wake up at 4:30 am every day (this was happening to me after last break up too, and I even had sleep problems at the beginning of new relationship because of my fear of being hurt again).

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #365286
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    “He even had an appartment, but he never proposed we go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning – he would left me home and hang out with friend. When I asked if we could go there sometimes, he said he is afraid we would stop going out and just be in apartment.” – I realized I may have not clarified enough – he lives with his family still, but his family – his parents bought an apartment last year, that they are renting for tourists during summer. He doesn’t live there, but he and his sister can use it when they are not renting it. I also live with my family now.

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #365292
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    The last boyfriend, you had work problems and stress, so you were sleepy and tired during the weekends, and you “needed a sleep and rest”, yet “he wanted to stay in the car and be intimate after midnight”.

    He had an apartment and you wanted to spend the night there with him, to wake up in the morning with him, and yet “he never proposed we go there” . Instead he wanted to have sex with you in his car, then drop you off at your home and proceed to go out with his friends.

    In your original post you described this young man, “He was really nice, really kind.. he was still much in love and good to me”-

    – A man who knows you are tired and sleepy and yet insists on having sex with you after midnight in his car- is not a “really nice, really kind” man who is “good to you. A man does not want to spend the night with you in his apartment, and wake up with you in his arms in the morning, is not a man who is “much in love with you”.

    Can you explain this contradiction to me, having described him a certain way while his behavior is not at all what you described?

    anita

     

    #365296
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you anita. I see your reasoning.

    I have to clafiry… at first we both lived with our families and neither of us had an apartment available. We used to go on dates, and stay intimate in the car, as the only place available at the time. After some time, I started being sleepy and tired even on weekdays (I had also some medical problems, evelated TSH, because of work stress, I think). At first he didn’t have apartment, and we still went on dates, but I was too tired to stay even on Saturday after midnight and didn’t feel like doing it that late in the car – I also lost interest in being intimate at that time, I’m not sure exactly why. I saw that he was really sad, but never said he blamed me, and I told him it’s not his fault. This started late spring last year. At the beginning of that year  his family bought the apartment and they were decorating it during spring and renting it at summer, so it was free in autumn but it still took him months even to invite me to stay with him there for a night.

    During that time he still acted like he is in love, and he said he understands me. We saw each other a lot, planned trips, he was still really gentle when we were together, he wrote messages, he acted he cared for me and loved me. During autumn, because I was unhappy with my job, I wanted to try to go to another college, and he was there for me and supported me, even when I changed my mind a few times and eventually dropped it. It was then when I felt I lost interest in him a bit, and there were times I put my wishes first, and didn’t think of him.. I guess I did take him a bit for granted. When I realized that I care for him at the beginning of this year, I feel it was too late. I also started the future talk in a period when things started going bad, and he grow colder, and then he just went further away.

    He also said at the end he blames me because I started the “future talk ” a week before his birthday in april, and he said that was a “great” gift for him. And I haven’t even asked him to live together like tomorrow, I also wanted him to finish college  – I just asked him if he thinks about our age difference, and how to get it work with us – we both want having family and children someday and I’m 33 so I don’t have that many years to do that as he has. But for him there was never a good time to talk about our problems (he didn’t want to talk on the phone, on public, before birthday, before trips… those last months I could never get him to talk, he always had an excuse, and when we did talk and I asked what he wants me to change, he didnt know).

    I personally think he is young and immature,  I think he is a good person, but he probably wanted a girlfriend that will go out later with him and stay longer at night, instead of being home on the couch… He wanted to go on trips, to stay out late  with me… . I wanted a relationship that will evolve, while he probably first wants to end college, and doesn’t feel ready to plan or evolve relationship soon.

    However, a small doubt sometimes evolves if me – maybe I took him for granted too much last year, maybe I lost interest and changed and didn’t care enough for his needs and wishes. I was for months in problems with work and tried to deal with that, and put my needs first. We had such amazing time and connection, during first year, whenever we went, nothing mattered, just us, and were both longing to make each other happy, and I feel like  I changed that first and he still tried more than me. Maybe that was only infatuation, but it was so strong, I feel like I’ve fallen out of heavens.

     

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Rhaenys.
    #365300
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    You wrote in your original post: “I would love to get advice on how to break my patterns”. Your pattern, as I understand it, is (1) you were interested all along in a long term, lifetime relationship with a man, (especially now being 33 and wanting a family), but you chose to date younger men who pursued you but who were not interested in a committed, long term relationship with you. (2) You waited for one of these men 7 years before he broke up with you. (3) All three men broke up with you (4) You blame yourself for the last relationship ending even though there is no evidence of any commitment or long term plans on his part, involving you.

    My advice:

    1. Do not date a man who is not interested, from the get go (from before he  met you) in getting married in the coming year or two.

    2. Do not date a man who is not able to get married in the coming year or two.

    3. In the context of a relationship (and in any other context) treat yourself respectfully- see to it that the man can tell that you respect yourself. Make sure he respects you.

    I think these three are a good start.

    anita

    man with the stated purpose of wanting to get married and having a good marriage.

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; font-family: Arial,’Helvetica Neue’,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 14.53px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern. </span>

    #365331
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I think you identified my patterns correct, and you are right in your advice.

    However, I believe that I’m getting better, but I’m still have some healing to do – I feel like a part of me is aware that the last guy was immature, however, a part of me still hasn’t realized that and misses him. I guess that is understandable after break up.

    I also have to change my behavior, and in future when a guy grows distant and isn’t good to me walk away – although, this time it only lasted 2 months, and I was also thinking about break up a lot, and would do it very soon if his behavior didn’t change – so I guess I’m improving.

    And I do want to be happy again without needing someone and practice mindfulness and gratitude not just when I’m in pain but even in better times, as I think I make better decisions when I do that.

    #365334
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    You are welcome. I can see in your most recent post how important it is for you to get better, to heal, to change, and to improve: “I’m getting better..  still gave some healing to do… have to change my behavior.. I’m improving”.

    It is encouraging to read from a person with such ambitions. But as I studied your posts this morning for over two hours, I now believe that a big part of what you want to change and improve about yourself does not require change and improvement: I believe that you carry guilt that does not belong to you, that you take responsibility for what you are not responsible for, that you believe that there is something bad or inadequate about you, a belief that is not true.

    “He was really nice to me”, you wrote about the second boyfriend who broke up with you by sending you a message. A “really nice” guy doesn’t break up with a woman over a message.

    About your third boyfriend, you wrote: “He was really nice, really kind… he was still really kind and nice.. Last 2 months, I couldn’t recognize him. He, a person who always put me first and was always so nice and patient and kind with me, suddenly put other things before me”-

    – I think that you magnified each man’s niceness and kindness so much that your image  of each man was too far from who he really was. I imagine that each man was nice and kind at times because there is no way for a man (in the great majority of cases) to get a girlfriend without smiling to the woman, without saying nice things to her, without taking her on a date, without performing nice and kind gestures to the woman.

    I believe that you took those nice gestures and words to mean that the men were genuinely nice and kind, and they were not. The one who was overly nice and kind was you, not them (regarding 3rd boyfriend): “I did put him first, I never went with my friends instead of him.. I still helped him with his exams.. I did not complain.. he blamed me for a lot of stuff.. I was guilty.. did not have an opportunity to say I’m sorry and try to change that”-

    – I think that he blamed you and you were to eager to believe that you were guilty. But you were not guilty with this man, nothing for you to apologize to him for. You were a saint to him. You didn’t need to change into more of a saint!

    More of you being a saint to him: “I helped him with college a lot, I have him my laptop so he can go in the apartment and prepare in quiet, and I even went there and supported him during most of his online exams, I made that a priority”.

    On the other hand, he was not at all a saint to you, not at all the really-nice-really-kind image you had of him: “We went on dates, and he wanted to stay in the car and be intimate after midnight, I needed a sleep and rest. He even had an apartment, but he never proposed to go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning- he would left me home and hang  out with friend”-

    – he was a selfish young college student, selfish and inconsiderate of his unselfish, overly considerate, saintly girlfriend.

    “All my relationships ended with my partners going distant and breaking up with me”- in real life, saints don’t do well, they are not appreciated by most people.

    “I’m aware that I wanted a boyfriend in my life for a long time, as a kind of a ‘savior’.. I felt that for years.. I can’t be happy without (a partner), and that if I have a partner everything will be ok”- so you see the “partner” as a saint and a savior, you magnify his kind words and gestures to the point of seeing him as the savior that you need.

    If you want to, share with me how life was for you as a child, how desperately you needed a savior then.

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

    #365370
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Thank you Anita a lot, for taking the time to read my posts. I’ve been thinking about your post the last day. I’m really thankful for hearing your perspective.

    It’s hard to describe all that happened and all of my last relationship here, so I feel like some things can give wrong impression. I don’t think I’m a saint. There were times in last relationship when it was perfect, then times when I was more selfish one ( in the period when my infatuation stopped, and his was still strong), and that, especially in the end, times when he was more selfish one. And yes, his selfishness in the end was worse than mine.

    I also do think that we wished different things – I think he wanted a relationship, but in terms of seeing each other and dating, which is more understandable in his years. I wanted something more. I did recognize our difference and try to talk it out. After that he changed.. I guess because he was not ready, and he liked it as it is. I took me a month or two to recognize this behavior, and I wouldn’t tolerate it for long.

    I do have some problems of my own, when things don’t go the way I planned it, I start being angry, frustrated and I even tend to have childish behavior. I want to change that for myself, so I could enjoy life more.

    I agree that because of my last experiences, I may tend to, as you said – take nice gestures and words of men to mean that the men were genuinely nice and kind, while that may not be the case. I’ll try to take your advice and be more careful and the future and also to find more mature man, who want the same things as I do.

    I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my childhood on online forum, however I am aware that some of my relationship problems  may have their cause in my childhood issues, I do plan to taking some counseling because of that.

    #365372
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer, in about 15 hours from now.

    anita

    #365434
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhaenys:

    You are welcome. I am glad you are planning on attending counseling and hope you will find a quality counselor, someone who will listen to you intently and respectfully, someone who will be empathetic to you, someone who will make it possible for you to have more insight into your childhood and how your childhood affected your mind and life, including your relationships with men.

    Anytime you want to post on your thread here, or start a new thread on any topic, you are welcome to do so, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #365729
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    So… I’ve been thinking about my behaviour and relationships and what it my relationship triggers problems in my relationship. Also, not just thinking, but I’ve been practicing mindfulness after having some depresing and anxiety moments lately, and I’ve come up with some things…

    I don’t think that my parents were not good to me, or they didn’t give me enough love. But it was clear from early on to me that my parents’ marriage is not perfect. They were fighting, it’s hard to remember now how often, but even when they were not, I guess I felt it’s not working. I remember a feeling that when our family was together, just the 4 of us (my dad, mom, brother and me), somehow it was not enough. I think that was because their relationship didn’t work. I wanted, when we went to trips, vacations or Christmas dinners, that someone was with us. Because if someone was with us (mostly another family), that feeling that somehow our family isn’t enough, that something missed, went away. Or maybe that just helped me to ignore it better.

    When I was 20 they divorced. I didn’t see that coming mostly because I expected it much earlier, so when it didn’t happen earlier, I thought they will stay together. It was really hard, they didn’t get along, there were some nasty fights, not just between them but between my brother and me, and us with them. I guess I blamed my dad a lot, because I felt, even as younger that he didn’t try enough. My mom was home, she did almost all of the housework and was always there for us, and my dad was often away, even more in the end. We also had some fights after divorce, he soon found a new woman and tried to get me to know her and hang with her and her family and I didn’t want to. A few times he also tricked me, we decided to meet, and he would bring them without telling me. We are okay now, because I want to have relationship with him as he is my dad, but I still don’t like how he behave.

    After divorce, my dad parents, who I was really close with, got sick and died in a few years and that was a hard time for me. I was in college, first my grades dropped and I was also an introvert, however I started getting more friends and going out and even got better grades again during the final years.

    Until last year of college, I had a a lot of crushes in my life, but never mutual. I was also an introvert, I didn’t care much about my clothes or make up, and this changed during my 20s.

    I guess that during those hardest times, as I didn’t have a family, and even didn’t have someone to really confess to (because the problems were in my family, and it was too personal to say to friends, also I didn’t want a therapist because of my prejudice that this would mean something is wrong with me or I’m sick), I wanted a boyfriend to save me. And at final year of college I found a boyfriend, and at first, I finally had that someone.

    I now see that in my relationships, I was pursued by boys, and they were at first good to me (as Anita says, maybe because they had to be nice to me if they wanted me as girlfriend). And I liked that. I think in my 2 longer relationship, I also lost infuatuation, but I liked being with them even after that because they were good to me (and they really were both, at least in the first year-two, during their infatuation phase). And I think I did care a lot for them, even after my infatuation stopped.

    But my problem is, as I see it, when they stopped being good to me, or good enough, instead of leaving, I try to do everything to get them back. Now with my 7 year relationship I waited too long, last time, it finished earlier (that phase lasted a few months). He did broke with me, but I was on verge of breaking up too, a thought of that for a time. I guess I did maybe just learn something.

    I also realized that by doing that – trying to do everything to get them back , I stop myself from getting something better. Because in 7 year relationship, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I wanted someone to wake up with, to be with me, to be mutual support and spend time together, but as it was long distance (except 1 year), I was actually alone most of the time. My behaviour deprived me of getting things I wanted instead of getting a chance to have them with someone else. Because I was afraid of breaking up and being alone, and afraid if I can fall in love again and find someone again. And when we broke up after 7 years, when I was 30…

    Now I do feel a bit scared, as I’m 33, will I be able to have a relationship and a family later (is it too late and are all the good guys taken?). I’m aware I have to see if a guy is mature, and if we want the same things. But first have some time alone. All my life, I didn’t have many health, school or work problems, I do have a support in my family and friends (even in my dad – we talk a lot, even if he sometimes doesn’t understand me or I him. I think I’m accepting that now finally). I do have a lots of interest and mostly (excpet now in covid times), I don’t have problems with going out, meeting new people, I’m also satisfied with my looks and guys do notice me. I changed a lot, from big introvert and really shy girl in my teens.

    I guess I only have problems with thing that I obsess over the most – having a partner, and now in my 30s, a family too. As I’m reading about mindfulness, meditation, spirituality already about 5 years, I guess I must find that someting I’m missing (that something since I was a child who felt something was missing when I was with my family) in me first. I’m welcome to advices on how to overcome that. And I think I have to appreciate what I have more, and be grateful for that (family, friends, my cats, health, work,) instead of clinging to someone who is not good for me.

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by Rhaenys.
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